Undateable (2014) s02e06 Episode Script

Oh, I love your hair today.
Thanks, man.
- I was talking to Candace.
- Oh, I know.
I do this thing where I just assume every compliment is about me.
It's a huge time-saver.
Oh, that's a nice blouse.
Oh, no Thanks, but I'm a guy, so it's called a shirt.
Hey, so, what's the deal with, uh, Leslie? No news yet.
Danny set Leslie up on a blind date, and I'm not supposed to tell you guys because he doesn't want to make this about what a great brother he is.
Is that how you wanted me to say it? Oh, look at you, Danny, thinking about other people.
That's not like you.
Cold, selfish, cynical.
See, that was Danny before Justin.
Or as I like to call him, Danny B.
J.
Are you offering? Yeah? I don't No! Well, I love blind dates.
It's like being a judge on "The Voice.
" You say yes to a girl without seeing her, and then you spin around and see what you got.
Damn.
Cave monster.
Oh, hey, Leslie.
How was the date? Aah! God, you're sexy when you're pissed.
Ooh.
Thanks, Bursk, but now's not the time.
- Tonight's episode features explosions.
- Justin: No, it doesn't.
Oh, really? Then what's this? Ka-ploosssssh! Now, I'm gonna ask you the same thing my mom asks every time I call.
What did Danny do this time? Danny set me up with the worst guy on earth.
Your friend Neil picked me up an hour late and then he made me breathe in a tube to start his car.
Neil sounds like a big ol' mess.
He is.
It's so hot.
And why am I so attracted to train wrecks? Girl, I get it.
Whenever there's a boy band, I'm always attracted to the one with the sleepy eyes and the soul patch.
I was just really hoping that Neil was gonna be a decent guy.
You know, I'm getting that award tomorrow night for my "Destination Detroit" marketing campaign, and I didn't want to go to the party alone.
I thought you were a wine rep.
Really, Danny? She's had this new job for like two months.
Because of her, tourism is up 10%.
If you can find a way to get people to visit Detroit, someone should give you an award.
They are! Thanks a lot, Danny.
I'm so glad I shaved my legs all the way up for this.
And also spent $200 on this hair.
Danny, Danny, Danny.
You're better than this.
What is it you say to me every morning when you see one of my outfits? Change.
Exactly.
You don't look out for your sister.
See, you need to take your own advice and change the outfit In your heart.
Don't tell my heart what to wear.
I can't believe I don't have a date for my party.
I mean, it's not like I expect a guy to have a PhD.
In this bar, you're lucky to find a guy who can afford a PBR.
I said I'd bring the money tomorrow.
I'm just trying to raise my standards when it comes to men.
With me, it's only one rule when it comes to men.
Who am I kidding? I'll take anything.
Well, for me to be involved with a woman, she's got to love babies, both human and Muppet.
You know what my new thing's gonna be? A guy has to dress well.
It means he's an adult and has a job.
So from now on, I am only dating a guy if he owns his own suit.
Hmm? You guys hear that? Leslie wants to go out with me.
Why? Just because you have a suit? I don't own a suit.
But I will by tomorrow night, and then she will let me take her to that dance.
Now, does anyone know where I can get a nice, classy suit for $35? Actually, I do take care of a guy to a retirement home that used to be a tailor.
And he does owe me one.
I give him extra nap time when he knows his ass is supposed to be in the activities room.
But to be fair, he gives me extra nap time when he knows I'm supposed to be working.
Sorry I tried to set you up with Neil.
I thought to make it up to you, I could take you to your party.
Oh, well, that's sweet, but somebody already asked me.
- Who? - Actually, you know what? I think he's working right under here.
One second.
Hi.
I'm Justin.
When it comes to platonic dates, I'm your man.
And you're proud of that? Oh, you know it.
I invented the friend zone.
I guarantee if you come with me tonight, then you're not gonna want it to end.
He said to his sister.
Oh, this just got very "Game of Thrones.
" Shing! Woosh! Okay, Danny.
How would our night go? I would start things out with a deep-tissue massage, and once I'm totally relaxed, I come pick you up.
We get some drinks, and I know that there is somebody that you hate at work for no reason, because that's always how you are, so we could just throw them catty looks all night.
Barb, that bitch.
And you know she's totally having an affair with Dave in accounting.
Yes! That's what I've been telling Mark.
Mark, that two-faced phoney.
- No, we like mark.
- Love mark.
Love mark.
See? See how this works? We're having fun.
And then I'll tell the deejay to play "I've had the time of my life," and then we'll both nail the lift move that we practiced as kids because nobody puts baby in the corner.
Candace: Wait, um Who is putting a baby in a corner? It's from "Dirty Dancing.
" No, I don't care how they got pregnant.
I just - Uh, can you beat that? - Justin: Hell yeah.
You see, I'll just pull out the ol' playbook from prom.
Pick you up at 4:30, that way it's golden hour for photos You know, a couple serious ones for mom and dad and then a couple fun ones for us, maybe even a jumper.
Then after we eat Oh, my God, I'm full We'll go dance all night.
And then, bing, guess what It's midnight.
We're pumpkins.
My prom playbook was simple Tried to have sex And I did.
Your night sounds just horrible.
Um, but I'm gonna choose Justin.
Wha What?! - Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, I never won anything.
I mean, this is You know what? I'm gonna I got to Kanye this for you.
You know what? I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but I just got to say, uh, Danny Burton is the best brother of all time.
Seriously? You set me up with Neil.
When's the last time you took me out to dinner or called me up on the phone just to talk? Seven? I don't know, Les.
Come on.
I'm your brother.
Yeah, but lately Justin's been more of a brother than you've ever been.
Whatever.
Maybe I'm on Barb's side now.
I'm gonna make you a really sharp suit, young man.
Shelly, you remember our deal? Shelly: Of course.
Payment is $35 and two extra puddings a day.
Yes.
Pudding in a retirement home are like cigarettes in jail.
I know Leslie thinks she's going to that party with Justin, but once she sees me in my new suit, game over.
Drop your pants, Romeo.
Burski, I never thought I'd have to ask you this again, but could you not have that old man measure your penis in front of me? Guys, I'm kind of worried about Bursk.
Do you really think Leslie will go with him? Leslie's like me.
We're both suckers for romantic gestures.
A few weeks ago, I walked into a restaurant, and a cute guy held the door open for me and I was immediately smitten.
A guy held the door open for you today and you didn't even say anything.
Yeah, because he was ugly.
Beauty is on the inside.
How old is that guy? He did one measurement of me and took a nap Facedown.
Brett, call an ambulance.
I lost another one.
Oh, hi, Danny.
Um, Leslie and I are going shopping later, and I just want to make sure that their outfits don't clash because that would be - Ooh, let's harmonize.
- Ooh.
Together: Awkwar-r-r-r-d Aah! - What the hell are you doing? - I'm outraged! And that's what people do in movies when they're outraged.
It also happens when two people who hate each other during the entire movie are about to make wild, passionate love, but that's more of a backhand sweep.
Hah! Unh! Unh! All right, we have company, so I'm gonna cut my imaginary love making short.
How long would it go on if I wasn't here? Till everyone is satisfied.
I can't believe you're trying to steal my sister, all right? You're an only child.
You don't even know what it's like to be a younger brother.
You're right.
But I do know about being a big brother.
The summer of my junior year, I walked into a youth center and was paired with a troubled kid named Raphael.
He loved Foosball and conversation.
And I was there for him.
That story makes me so happy.
Do you guys still talk? Uh, no, no.
He was executed by the state.
Oh, my God.
Just a "no" would have been fine.
You know what? I finally figured out why Leslie doesn't like me all of a sudden, okay? It's 'cause of you.
You're the most caretaker-y guy in the whole world.
How am I supposed to compete with that? You need to dial it down.
You need to care less.
Uh, care Less? Justin does not compute.
You're gonna tell Leslie that you can't take her to the party, and then I'm gonna come in and do my one nice brother thing, and I'm gonna take her instead.
And then I can coast her for the rest of the year.
Everything's back to normal.
Ooh.
Justin: Danny's so self-absorbed that if you, uh, go 20 seconds without talking directly to him, he forgets that you're in the room.
Are you gonna lie to Leslie? No, no, no.
We were just funning around, okay? Yeah.
You know, uh, brothers and sisters How they just sometimes, like, you know, you got the brother and he's like, "oh," and the sister's, "aah!" You got to get out.
So Oh, God.
I forgot you were there.
Listen, I'm not gonna lie to Leslie so that you can look like a better brother, okay? Just get that out of your head, okay? Just pick this stuff up, all right? All this stuff you swiped off the table.
Somebody could trip on a tangerine.
Nobody has ever slipped on a tangerine.
Just just please, could you, for the love of God, just pick Aah! God, it hurts! Okay, so, you won that one.
Uh, sorry.
We're closed.
And my father just passed away today.
Actually, I work at his retirement home, and he was a great man.
We're sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
He was actually in the middle of making a suit for my friend here.
I, uh I really need that suit by tonight.
It's a huge opportunity for me.
Maybe I would feel a little better making a suit for you guys tonight.
Really? No.
My dad just died.
Now, what if I told you that this suit could be the beginning of a great love story? Have you ever cared about a girl so much it physically hurts you not to be with her? I see her every day, but it's like she's on the other side of a canyon and I just can't get to her.
I don't know.
I just feel that if you make me that suit, I'd be able to reach across that canyon and finally Just honk those things.
I-I feel like our happy time has ended.
I-I look forward to seeing you guys again when my mom dies.
I really want to say that your dad was one of a kind, and I was just lucky to know.
Before you go, did Did my dad have any last words? You already ruined it.
You might as well.
He said that I don't need any help in the crotch department.
Dad was always trying to make people feel better.
Leslie: We found such a cool dress for my party.
Listen Leslie, I-I sprained my ankle pretty bad, so I'm sorry, but I-I don't think I'll be able to make it tonight.
But who am I supposed to take now? Did somebody order a hero? So, Les, when am I picking you up? Do you think I'm stupid? You made Justin fake an injury so you could take me to the party.
Candace, you were with them.
Is this for real? Danny did ask Justin to back out of the party so that he could take you, and then he pushed me out the door.
Oh, and you said that if you did this one nice brother thing, then you could coast for the rest of the year and everything would go back to normal.
What are you, a stenographer? Les, I really did sprain my ankle.
That's it.
I'm done.
Listen, Justin, if you have to sit all night, you're going with me to this party, you understand? Yes, ma'am.
There are a couple dance moves we could do in chairs Sprinkler, anyone? You know what? I always have your back.
Anytime you ever needed me for anything, I was there.
But what about for me? I mean, what about when I was going through my divorce? Where were you? I don't know Jamaica, Cancún.
It was a big summer for me.
Come on, Les.
Don't be mad at me.
I'm an idiot.
I mean, I keep thinking that some day you'll be the brother that I've always needed, and now I just I know you never will.
Life was so much simpler back when I was in Shelly's lap.
She's your sister, Danny.
Fight for her.
Brett: It's now or never.
You know, tomorrow you could end up like that old guy.
And just die in Justin's office.
What? What's that noise? Is that an ice-cream truck? Can you really dance in that walking boot the doctor gave you? Justin: Hmm, you know what? Let me answer that question while spinning.
Just give me a second.
Oh, yes Mm I can.
Actually, help.
Ooh, Leslie.
And hello, ladies.
So, do you think Danny's gonna show? You see, any minute, Danny's gonna walk in wearing the suit that I laid out on his bed and finally, uh, step up for Leslie.
Don't lay out clothes for me.
Hey, Les, um I know that you don't want me to go to the party with you, and I get that.
But I still think you should meet my friend Mike.
Who the hell is Mike? Hey, Mike.
Why don't you come meet my sister? Hey.
Nice to meet you.
You know, uh, Mike's had a pretty rough life.
I don't like to talk about it, but substance abuse, juvenile hall.
I've even been locked up.
Whatever.
You know, when I met him, he used to be a little punk.
He used to think he was all street.
Oh, damn, girl.
Does that ass got hydraulics? 'Cause you're making it bounce.
Danny: Hey, Brett, you want to get Mike a soda at the bar? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
So, Mike, tell us about prison.
I agree with you.
You said I was a crappy brother.
But, look, I want to be better.
How? By setting her up with another train wreck? But Leslie She's stronger than that.
If he looks over here, I'm gonna let him have me.
Ca-caw! Danny, what are you doing? - Are you trying to torture me? - No.
Look, I know you better than you think I do, all right? I know if you're really attracted to a guy.
And he's got to have some edge to him.
And he's got to be fighting some demon.
But I'm not gonna let a guy come in here and screw up your life.
That's why I brought in mike.
All right.
He's got that dangerous past that you kinda vibe on.
But also he's got nine years sobriety.
And he runs a successful construction company, that helps rebuilt downtown Detroit.
Wow.
Are you really gonna ditch me for someone else? So this is prom.
All over again.
Leslie.
You've always been a rock in my life.
And I guess that's why I thought that You didn't need me that way.
I do.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Go have fun.
Hey, umm.
Mike.
You got a suit? Of course I do.
Well go get it on.
We're gonna go to a party.
- Ok.
- Oh, and You know that The way you used to talk as a kid.
Maybe when we have a private moment.
You could bust it out.
For sure mommy.
We I got back here.
I'm gonna put a baby in you.
- Danny.
- Oh God.
I'm really proud of you.
That was a great think you did.
Granted I'm a little bummed.
Thank I Don't get to dance now.
You know.
Prom.
The time of my life All right.
All right.
I'll let you do it just this once.
Ok? But I'm gonna need everybody's help.
Come on, guys.
In *** I have the time of my life *** *** Let's get out of here.
Burski, why are you so dressed up? I was just trying on suits.
I have I have a job interview later.
To be a doctor.
Hey.
If it makes you feel any better the suit really makes you look like a gentlemen.
Thank you.
Thank God that tailor made room in the weine zone.
Cause I got major lumber.
Right back to Burski again.