United States of Al (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Here's the plan for tomorrow.
We start at 8:00 a.
m.
First is Dunkin' Donuts, next is Krispy Kreme Hold on.
It's Veterans Day.
There are 27 restaurants offering free food to anybody who served in the military.
Even the Air Force.
You know it.
Point is, you can't go donut to donut.
Every donut is a chicken pot pie you're not having later.
Listen to that wisdom.
I've been a veteran a lot longer than you.
Learn from my mistakes.
Junk, junk, bill.
Something from the V.
A.
And you got a catalog for slippers.
Oh, gimme, gimme.
I hate how excited I am about this.
What is it? My disability rating.
Oh.
What does it say? 70 percent.
Wow.
I know.
You okay? Apparently, I'm only 30% okay.
Good things will come from this, Riley Jaan.
You'll get a check every month.
Hearing loss, arthritis, PTSD.
Ooh, that part has a whole bunch of words.
Let me tell you about these doctor numbers.
When I was in my mother's womb, they said I had a 30% chance to survive.
And look at me now.
I am 100% here.
- Hey, do me a favor.
- Hmm? Don't mention this when the boys come over tomorrow.
Riley, you don't have anything to be embarrassed about.
Oh, you haven't read this letter.
Okay.
I won't mention it.
Tomorrow is about celebrating your service, seeing old friends and eating until we are sick.
God bless America.
[CHUCKLES.]
You look good, Pop.
Where do you think you get it from? [AL LAUGHS.]
I wish you'd come on our food crawl instead of doing your parade.
Come on, what would a parade be without the color guard? Faster? Oh, they're here, they're here.
Todd, you ugly bastard, get in here! I'm ugly? You look like your face caught fire and someone put it out with a brick.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
It's funny because they are both beautiful men.
Al, you got fat! [GRUNTS.]
- Lizzie, it's funny because - I understand jokes.
Hey, big guy.
This is my dad.
You are gonna love him.
- Hey, nice to finally meet you.
- TODD: Same, sir.
This is my sister.
Stay away from her.
Hey.
Hi.
Todd, thank you for your help getting my sister out of Kabul.
I'm just glad she's safe.
I am ready to eat! - [WHOOPS.]
Badger! - Hey, man.
- Nate.
- Hi, Mr.
Dugan.
Hey, Nate.
You got tall.
You got your braces off.
- I know, right? - Uh, looks good.
[LAUGHING.]
Whatever.
Hazel, why don't you go bring some refreshments for our guests instead of standing here giggling.
Oh, my God, I am not giggling.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
I'm already kind of full.
Damn it, Todd, you will not be slowing us down.
We're not in combat anymore.
We will leave you behind.
Hey, Todd, what was it like being in my dad's squad? Mm, the greatest.
[CHUCKLES.]
This one time, we were on leave in Okinawa And I lost my toothbrush.
Next story.
Hey, Hazel, did you know we used to call your dad Ankles? [CHUCKLES.]
How come? Because wearing boots and socks made his ankle hair stop growing and gave him lady feet.
Did you miss the girls? [LAUGHTER.]
All right, Hazel Jaan, where we going next? Uh, Tastyberry Junction.
[CHANTING.]
: Tasty J's.
Tasty J's.
Why are we going there? It's for little kids.
I know, right? My dad loves it.
- How was the parade? - Not great.
I got stuck behind the horses.
Where are your shoes? In a dumpster on 18th Street.
What's that? Michael's stuff.
Thought I might open it today.
'Cause it's, uh, Veterans Day? 'Cause I thought the house would be empty.
Well, I have another parade in a couple hours.
I'll get out of your hair.
Thanks.
You mind if I grab a coffee first? No.
Make one for me? Irish? Please.
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
This place is lame, huh? I guess it's okay.
Want to play Skee-Ball? - Sure.
- Great! Mm.
Where is that waitress? These are supposed to be bottomless chips.
I can see the bottom.
Badger, you're rich now.
Why don't you buy the restaurant and fire her? Hey, it's my wife's money.
I'm just the arm candy.
In my culture, a man who lives off of his wife's money is only half a man.
Yeah, that's true here, too.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, Todd, you still planning to be an umpire? Nah, it's harder than you think.
They have a school and everything.
Oh, geez, I can see how that would be a barrier for you.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, what's the new plan? Take that career test the Marines give you on the way out? Yeah, and guess what it said I'm qualified for.
Nothing? [CHUCKLES.]
: Close.
Crossing guard.
Wait, birthday clown was already taken? [LAUGHTER.]
My shoulder still clicks.
I guess I could just get disability.
You know, sit on my ass, cash those checks.
[TODD AND BADGER LAUGH.]
Well [CLEARS THROAT.]
if they decide you deserve the money, you deserve the money.
There's no shame in it.
Eat your burrito, Al.
It's an important point.
Many people have the misunderstanding that disability is Why don't you go check on the kids.
Ah, mm.
Fine.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Maybe I should just marry rich like this guy.
[TODD AND BADGER LAUGH.]
I couldn't recommend it more.
Ah.
I will leave you to it.
No, you can stay.
You sure? [SOFTLY.]
: Yeah.
You know, sweetheart, I get it.
When your mom passed away, it took me months to even look at her closet, so don't feel bad And we're doing this.
From our second date, mini golf.
Boy, did he cheat.
Hole in one? I don't think so.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Hmm.
That's a lot of shot glasses.
He collected them.
Branson, Yellowstone, Niagara Falls.
The Vatican.
This one was hard to find.
Oh, he was obsessed [CHUCKLES.]
: with Donny Hathaway.
[LAUGHS.]
Hmm.
[SIGHS SOFTLY.]
His wings! After flight school graduation, they had this fancy ceremony, and then got wasted and punched the pins into each other's chests.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
: Idiots.
I'm proud of you.
Why? You opened the box.
No tears.
- Should I be more upset? - No.
It means you're moving on.
Oh, my God, you think so? Uh, uh no, I don't.
I-I think you're still very sad.
No.
[CRYING.]
: I'm not.
I Yes.
You're good.
I know.
You're up.
Are you growing a mustache? Yeah.
I-I was thinking about shaving it.
No, don't.
It looks great.
Roll the ball, Nate.
Hey, hey.
Hmm? What was all that at the table? I was just trying to help Todd.
You helping Todd is a lot like you pissing me off.
Riley, they are your squad.
Just leave it alone.
Okay.
How about I take the kids home? You go to the bar with the guys.
Have many beers and insult each other.
You're all very good at it.
All right.
Also, I don't want you to be alarmed, but these children are in love.
Don't worry.
I will protect your family's honor.
Sure, you do that.
I will make them walk home.
Exhaustion is the enemy of passion.
It is, isn't it? My feet hurt.
No, they don't.
Are you my feet? I am your elder, and I used to walk ten kilometers to my school and back.
Without food, without water, without complaining.
Sometimes, when I'd get hungry, I used to walk into a clover field and eat clovers with salt.
Where'd you get the salt? Don't engage him.
That's what he wants.
Uber for Nate? - Finally.
- What? No, no, no, no, no, no.
You, keep driving.
You, give me your phone.
Now, to answer your question, I always carried salt and a knife in case I passed a cucumber field.
Do you have any salt on you now? Dude, what are you doing? I still think about him.
Still miss him.
Still love him.
Course you do.
A year ago, this would have knocked me on my ass.
Well, that's a good thing.
Is it? I feel kind of bad about it.
Look, one of the things about grief is you get used to it.
Get used to having it around.
Sometimes you feel like it's the only thing keeping you connected to that person.
And, hey, the other thing about grief? Makes no sense.
Just when you think you're done with it, boom, you're weeping at the car wash for no reason.
You love the car wash.
It's a great place to cry.
Very loud and there's lots of water on the ground.
So, don't feel bad about not feeling bad.
You'll feel bad again.
Even worse than you think.
Promise? You have my word.
You're gonna be a mess.
Thanks, Dad.
All right.
Here we go.
Hey, you want to come see me in the parade? You gonna be behind the horses? Probably.
Yeah, I'll come.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Meal Team Six.
- [WHOOPS.]
- Here you go.
- Thanks, Holly.
Hey, happy Veterans Day.
How was your food crawl? We're sweaty, we're dizzy, none of our pants are buttoned.
Mission accomplished.
- Should I start a tab? - Oh, I got it.
This guy's an aspiring crossing guard.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Real funny.
- [BADGER LAUGHING.]
Hey, don't worry, you'll get there one day.
Keep dreaming big, baby.
- Oh, yeah.
- Cheers, boys.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Mm.
Hazel seems great.
Oh, she is, man.
She's super smart.
Where the hell does she get that? Her mother.
Who else?[LAUGHS.]
So you getting back out there? Nah, I'm hoping to patch things up with Vanessa.
How's that looking? Here with you idiots, aren't I? [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, I got to hit the head.
Hey, crossing guard, want to clear a path for me? [RILEY AND BADGER LAUGH.]
[IMITATES WHISTLE, THEN WHOOSHING.]
Glad my life's a joke to you guys.
Oh, we're just busting your chops.
No, it's hilarious.
I've been out six months, already blew my retirement fund.
So now I'm a trained combat hunter collecting shopping carts at Staples.
- Dude, I - No, forget it.
We're good.
- If you want to talk - I said forget it.
So, what's the deal with Holly? She single? Hope she likes guys that live with their grandmother.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, that was refreshing.
Want to go to my room and play video games? - Sure.
- Whoa! No, no, no, no, no, no.
No suitors allowed in your bedroom.
My God, he's not my suitor.
What's a suitor? Shh, don't tell him! Where's the bathroom? You are destroying my life.
Only because I love you.
[FRUSTRATED GROAN.]
Hey.
What the hell was that back there? [SIGHS.]
Nothing.
Don't give me that.
Back off, man.
No.
We're gonna talk about this right now.
What's going on? I never thought it would be worse being out.
Give it some time.
You've only been out six months.
I still haven't told my parents I'm out.
My mom's got this plaque on her desk, "My son's a Marine.
" What's she gonna put there now? - You and I both know - Can we not do speeches? I have a 70% disability rating.
Really? Yeah.
And saying it out loud makes me want to put a drill through my eye.
Guess I'll work it out in therapy.
Oh, yeah, I'm in therapy.
Damn.
Call your mother.
Tell her you're out and she can keep that thing on her desk.
Once a Marine, always a Marine.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
That was nice, what you did.
Thanks.
And that rating, that ain't nothing but a number.
I know.
Speaking of numbers, here is mine.
Use it wisely.
I'm gonna get this framed.
I'm regretting it already.
[CONTROLLERS CLICKING, VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Get him.
- I'm trying.
On your left.
On your left.
Oh, got it.
When I was 11, my family had a Nintendo, and we played that game with the guy in the green and the guy in the red who run through pipes.
Super Mario Brothers? Yes, but in Afghanistan, we called it Going to Your In-Laws.
That makes no sense.
It absolutely makes sense.
The red man and the pink woman are engaged, and he wants to go see his fiancée, but the father has enlisted a dragon to protect her.
Really trying to concentrate here.
My mother got totally hooked.
Every morning, she would wake up and say, "I want to go to my in-laws," and we knew she was talking about the game because she never wanted to go to her in-laws in real life.
What do you call Pac-Man in Afghanistan? Run If You Don't Want To Be Eaten.
[VIDEO GAME CHIMING.]
You made me lose.
No, you lost because you didn't do a good job.
Think you can do better? Of course I do.
What are video games? Just life without real consequences.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Nice.
I'm running away from home.
Buh-bye.
On your left.
Thank you, sir.
It's Walt.
Not today.
Today, it's sir.
What are you dummies talking about? We were just saying how proud of you we are.
Well, carry on.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
He was great in the parade.
Two Shriners crashed into each other.
He didn't even crack a smile.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was howling on the inside.
Semper Fi.
LIZZIE AND RILEY: Semper Fi.
I've been so many places in my life Donny Hathaway.
How 'bout that? I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhymes