Up Pompeii (1970) s02e06 Episode Script

1 LUDICRUS: Take it outside.
It's no use in here.
Go on, take it outside.
All right, master.
All right.
All right.
What shall I do with it now? Well, shove it up, of course.
Well, that's a good start, isn't it? I must say, you could have phrased it more delicately.
All right.
I'll put it here, then.
All right.
There.
There we are.
Can you see it all right? Is it all right? There.
(STAMMERING) Eh? Well, it's in Greek.
What do you think it is? It's in Greek.
Adds a little bit of culture to the show.
All right, I'll translate it for you, see? Now, "pro venditio.
" That's "for sale," you see? "Luxury villa.
" "Three reception rooms.
" "Four bedrusums.
" Here, four "Omnia moderna boggia.
" That means, "All mod cons".
You've guessed it, haven't you? You've guessed it.
Yes, we're leaving this old home of ours.
We're leaving this old place.
The place where we spent so many happy, carefree years.
Yes, we're leaving and going to live elsewhere.
It's what is known as a moving story.
A moving story! Come on, now.
Come on.
There's one there, now.
There's one there.
Now, buck yourselves up.
No, as a matter of fact, it's rather sad, really.
'Cause my master, my master has lost his seat in the Senate.
Well, I say he's lost it No, no.
Don't laugh.
No.
He didn't lose it, actually, he wore it out.
Because No, he was never off it.
They used to call him They used to call him Old Slumber Bottom.
You see.
And of course we're all moving to Rome.
Bag and baggage.
His wife and daughter are going as well.
'Cause the mistress Like, my mistress, she's going on ahead today to find a new house in Rome.
Because when it comes to doing things like that, she's always the one who does it.
And Well, she's known around here.
She's known around here as the woman who always does it.
Anyway.
Let's get on with it now, shall we? A little culture.
Right.
Let us commence.
The prologue.
It came to pass Now, our story today concerns Pyramus and Thisbe.
Pyramus and Thisbe.
Now, Pyramus and Thisbe were young lovers.
And they were separated by their parents.
Yeah.
And it's a very tragic story.
Oh, it's ever-so tragic.
Now, they lived in adjoining houses.
And they used to talk to each other through a chink.
Now.
But unfortunately this chink couldn't speak a word of their language, now.
You can see why it was so tragic, you see? So tragic.
Anyway, it came to pass AMMONIA: Lurcio! Oh, excuse me.
The mistress'll be leaving now.
I'll be back.
Won't be long.
Well, really, there's no need for you all to come.
Nonsense, my dear, we're dying to see the back of you.
As you go away.
-There we are.
-Oh, yes.
Well, farewell, Lurcio.
Farewell, mistress, for the time being.
Oh.
Oh, Lurcio, I seem to have lost my purse.
Would you get it for me? Yes, mistress.
It's probably one of the ones you took off this morning.
Yes.
You didn't tell him.
I can't.
It's so difficult.
-Oh, Daddy.
-Tell him what? Lurcio's not coming with us.
They're going to sell him.
Pater, how could you? Well, I can't help it.
It's so much more expensive in Rome.
And we need the money for the new house.
Well, you must tell him.
It's only fair.
Yes, but he's been with us such a long while.
And that face looking at me like a tired, old camel.
Oh, really.
You're a sentimental fool.
I suppose I shall have to tell him.
Oh, mistress, I couldn't find it.
-The purse.
-But Oh.
Oh, it was there all along.
Ah, well, of course.
It's easy to get lost among that lot, isn't it? -Yes.
Now, Lurcio, I want to have a talk with you.
-Yes, mistress.
Yes.
-Well, now, the fact is -Yes? (SOBBING) Farewell, dear, dear, Lurcio.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Even my best friends won't tell me.
Goodbye, mistress.
Goodbye.
Have a nice time.
Try not to do anything the Romans would do.
Keep your hands on your drachmas.
Bye, have a nice time.
-Hey, you! -Me? Stop all this bawling and shouting out here.
I'm trying to rest.
I see.
May I ask if you're addressing me? Well, I am not talking to myself, am I? Oh, it's a pity.
You might have a larger audience.
Especially in the upper circle.
Don't give me any of your impertinence, you You underling! Underling! I've had enough trouble with you ever since I came here.
Sitting outside my door all day long, yapping -Yapping! -silly prologues.
-Prologues! -It'll be a good thing when you've all gone.
Good riddance, say I.
Well, all right, don't get your tassel in a twist.
Oh, common as muck.
Common as muck.
She doesn't lower the tone of the neighbourhood, she flattens it.
Never mind.
Let's get on with our culture, shall we? Our culture.
Of course.
(EXCLAIMING) This bench is so cold.
Never mind.
Now.
The prologue.
It came to pass APHRODITE: Stop that twaddle or you'll be sorry! Oh, shut your mouth.
Now Ignore her, ignore her.
Now.
Pyramus and Thisbe.
It came to pass -APHRODITE: Right! -It came to Oh, she Did you see that? She threw She threw a bowl of water over me.
It was a bowl, wasn't it? It didn't have a handle on it, did it? Woe, woe and thrice woe! Yeah, you can say that again, girl.
Woe, woe and thrice No, dear, I didn't say I said you can say it.
I didn't say you must say it.
-Beware! Beware! -Uhh Now, this This is Senna the soothsayer.
Our local sex Our local sex symbol.
You know, when you bang two cymbals together.
Well, this is the result.
-Take heed, slave.
-Take heed? The gods have sent me a message.
-A message? -While I was lying on my palliasse.
Look, never mind the anatomical details, dear.
Give us the message.
-I am to read your future.
-My future? Let me feel your bumps.
-Pardon? -I want to feel your bumps.
Isn't she naughty? She's wicked, you know.
How would you like it if I wanted to feel yours? Even if you had any.
Ah, yes, here is your bump of direction.
You're wrong, you know.
That's where I banged my head on the cistern, there.
-I see a journey ahead.
-I could have told you that.
I see nothing but dirt and squalor.
Muck and mire! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Good gracious.
Only a bit of dandruff.
Oh, don't show me up.
She makes it worse than it is.
-Oh, woe, woe and thrice woe! -Oh, dear.
Oh, she's a miserable old bag.
She really is.
She puts the mockers on you.
I wish someone would bump her off.
Oh, never mind.
Let's get on with it now.
Now, the prologue.
It came to pass (SOBBING) Oh! Oh! (WHIMPERING) What the devil's the matter with them? They look as miserable as sin.
As the inhabitants of Poland say, Jerry-faced.
Master, master.
Young master.
Tell me something.
Do you know what all this is about? -Yes, Lurcio.
-What? -It's about someone very dear to me.
-Pardon? It's about someone very dear to me.
Oh, he's fallen in love again.
Isn't that sweet? -Who is it, young master? -It's you, Lurcio.
Oh, young master, you're wrong.
That's not love.
That's just hero worship, that's all.
Well, it is.
No, don't laugh.
I get hundreds of letters Hundreds of letters begging for a lock of my hair.
In fact, one even asked for my scalp.
-Now -Lurcio, I might not see you again.
-Oh? -And I want you to have this.
Oh, isn't that sweet.
He's written an ode for me.
Oh! I'm touched.
"Ode to Lurcio.
" Good.
"He's tended me and cherished me Since I was young and spotty He's picked me up and sat me down And wiped my little handy-pandies" I couldn't think of a rhyme there.
Why not grotty? Oh, no, no.
You haven't got a grotty to wipe, have you? No.
-Keep it, Lurcio.
-Keep it? And every time you read it, remember me.
(CRYING) This is worse than East Lynne, isn't it? Anyone would think I was leaving them, by the way Oh, no.
Oh, no.
They wouldn't be selling me, would they? No, they wouldn't be going to Rome and And leaving me behind.
Oh, no, surely, after all, if they left me behind, surely they'd take the rest of me.
No, no.
No, no.
That's ridiculous.
No, the thought's ridiculous.
They'd be helpless without their little Lurcio, wouldn't they? Silly, little Lurcio.
HERMES: Hello! I hear a voice.
HERMES: Hello! (IN BARITONE) It is the postman.
Excuse me.
Oh! -HERMES: I'm up here! -So, I see.
Yeah, what do you want? Now, this This is Hermes, the messenger.
They tell me a bit of a flighty piece.
Oh, flighty piece.
Oh, please yourselves.
Is this the house of Ludicrus Sextus? It certainly is.
Is that Lurcio? It is me speaking.
I am calling you.
(SINGING) Will you answer true What do you mean, "Tiny Tim"? HERMES: Coming down! Well, pull 'em up! I saw your knickers.
That's a nice three-point landing.
I have a special delivery for Senator Ludicrus.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, it's very nice.
Thank you very much.
Shall I take it? -Yes, please do.
-Thank you so much.
-That's all right.
-Oh, well, excuse me.
Let me loosen something.
This is making me short-sighted, this conversation.
-Will you sign on the dotted line, please? -(IN BARITONE) Yes.
Oh, that's me.
It's more me.
Yes, I'll sign.
Down here.
-Lurcio.
There we are.
-Right.
Thank you very much.
I'll away now.
Oh, you can't can you? You've forgotten your propelling pencil.
Propelling pencil.
No.
No, no.
What a triumph we are having tonight.
I'll away now.
So, up, up and away.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Next week, Mary Poppins.
Oh, what a shame.
All that fuss.
Hello.
It's a bill.
It's a bill for the Oh, fancy.
Bringing the bill to the master this time.
When he's so hard up.
A bill.
What if I could settle it for him? How much is it for? From the Nefarius Slave Boutique.
"Dear Sir, this is to confirm our offer of 150 drachmas" Oh, they're giving him some money.
Good.
"150 drachmas for your slave, Lurcio.
" For your? For your slave! Oh, they're selling me.
They're selling me.
They can't.
Cast out in this cruel world.
After all these years of service.
Oh, dear.
After working my fingers to the bone.
Oh, God! Oh, I I'm being bartered out of hand.
Oh, surely I deserve a barter fate than this.
No, don't.
Don't.
It's wicked to mock the afflicted.
Oh, no.
Oh, ye gods, forsake me not.
Ye gods, forsake me not.
Do not leave your helpless slave.
Do not leave me.
Send down blessings on this helpless slave.
Ah, you miserable cow.
To think I've sunk to this.
This week's bargain in a serf-service store.
Oh, well.
Never mind.
Look, 195 drachmas.
Look at her.
1,995 drachmas.
After all, what's she got I haven't got? Well, apart from a couple of things.
To be reduced to this hob-nobbing with riffraff like this.
-Get out of here.
-No, no.
No, no.
No, mistress.
Please, please, I beg you.
Please, let me sleep.
No, I can't stand any more.
No, I've had enough.
I've had enough.
I'm at the end of my tether now.
I'm at the end of my tether.
You're not having mine.
Now, get away.
The end of mine is Well, this pinny was clean on, today.
Look at this.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I got carried away.
No, you weren't carried far enough, were you? Now, what? -What's your name, mate? -Lurcio.
Oh.
I'm Verminus.
Yes, so I've noticed.
And one of them's rubbed off on me, too.
Excuse me.
Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
That's That's one of my little friends, Claudius.
He's He's one of my roommates.
Is he? Well, he's a flatmate, now.
-Still.
-What? I won't need him now I've got you, will I? That's nice, isn't it? A substitute for a louse.
You think I'm mad, don't you? "Think"? My dear little chappy, I'm bloody sure of it.
Well, if you've been through what I've been through, mate, oh, I can't tell you Please.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now, for goodness' sake.
Now, look.
Calm, now.
Tell me.
Six months ago I was sold to a rich widow.
-A rich widow? -Rich widow.
And you can guess what for, can't you? Yeah, about seven drachmas, I should think.
No, no, no, I mean for what purpose.
-What purpose? -Yeah, well, I'll tell you.
-Yeah.
-To cater for her desires, that's what.
Really.
It just goes to show, anyone can get in the catering business, these days.
Well, at first I thought, oh, this is good, I thought.
(SOBBING) And, then, I can't tell you Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Night and day? -Never stopped.
-What? -I thought you were complaining.
-Yeah, well, I am.
NEFARIUS: Not much for you today, madam.
I'm afraid it's a rather bad time of year.
Oh, no.
No, it's her.
-Oh, it's her.
Oh, no.
-Oh, dear.
Oh, it's Oh, it's Ah! It's her.
Madam Night and Day.
Look at her.
Yes, I'm quite in agreement with you.
I can't think what's happened to all the men.
(LAUGHING) Oh, look, it's old camel face.
She does give me the hump, she really does.
How much do you want for this one, Nefarius? Oh, I don't think he'd be much good for what you want, madam.
No, madam, I wouldn't be very much good for what you want.
In fact, I'm not very much good for what I want.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
Precisely.
Oh, yes, my pudding.
That's it, you see.
Well, it's not Well, it's there but it's soggy.
No, I mean No! I mean, no.
My mother, poor soul.
My mother used to say it was the bun.
It was the oven.
No, the You see, it was the wrong club.
This pudding.
Yes, and she used too much suet, as well, didn't she.
You've hurt me, now.
You've hurt me.
I'll give you 100 drachma for him, Nefarius.
-Er, what was that? -100 drachma.
But I could get more than that for him in the auction.
-Take it or leave it.
-Leave it, leave it, she's having you on.
Oh.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Have him for a couple of days on approval.
Then, if he's what you want, you can bid for him at the auction.
A very good idea.
I'll try him out.
I'm sorry.
I don't do auditions.
Wrap him up, I'll take him with me.
Oh, no.
Please don't take me.
No, leave me here.
Oh, no.
Don't take me.
Please.
-Don't take him, please.
-Don't let her take me.
-Don't let her take him.
-I'm too weak.
-I couldn't do it.
-He's so weak, he couldn't do it.
-Not night and day.
-Not night and day.
-I'm too weak and helpless.
-He's too weak and helpless.
-I'm past my prime.
-Look at him.
I mean, he's not strong enough.
(BOTH YELLING) -He's my mate! -Do you mind? He only started off with a small part.
Now he's co-starring.
Do you mind? I can fight for me own honour.
Oh, good.
Can I depend upon that? There's nothing I enjoy more than a good fight.
I'll see you in the ring.
I'll be the one flat on the canvas.
Come along, now.
Stop dawdling.
Oh, isn't it degrading? She wouldn't even let me stop at a lamppost.
You won't try and run away, will you, Lurcio? From what I've heard, after a couple of days here, I shan't be able to run.
Slaves who run away or don't do what their owners want them to -are flogged.
-Flogged? -You understand.
-Yes, I understand.
Good.
Oh, she's at it already.
Come and show me exactly what you can do.
Yes, mistress, I shall be glad to oblige.
Now, if you'll just give me my pinny, my broom and my dustpan, I'll be I'll start to work.
Your pinny, your broom? And my dustpan.
Ooh! Very kinky.
What a funny woman.
I'll just go and slip on something more appropriate.
Yes.
Preferably a banana skin.
Oh, vulgar bag.
Vulgar bag.
Oh, I'm not used to working for vulgar people.
I'm not.
I'm not used to working for vulgar people.
Filthy, yes.
But vulgar, no.
Look at this room.
What a taste.
It looks like it's been furnished from a hoopla store, doesn't it? Look at it.
And it's Oh, here! Look at these pictures, these frescos here.
Oh, dear.
Come here, have a look.
No, no, no.
Perhaps not.
You'll get agitated, you won't be able to sleep.
Oh, dear.
I'll describe them to you.
Oh! Oh, there's sort of a couple This naked couple.
Oh, dear! And they're sort of stooping down, showing their indifference Yes, and it's They're sort of Yes, that's right.
They're searching for conkers.
Mind you, he won't find it where he's looking.
Oh, this is worse.
This is worse.
There's a group of people, sort of men and women, they're all entwined, like.
They're sort of muddled up.
One, and Yes Well, they're not fighting.
I tell you It's not a fight.
'Cause they're all smiling.
They're all smiling.
And in the centre there's this Good gracious, I know that face.
Even if she is bending down with her back towards me.
It's It's my new mistress, Aphrodite.
Mrs Night and Day.
And she's She's Oh, no wonder they're all smiling.
Oh, I told you she was Oh, dear.
What am I gonna do? How should I protect meself? Oh, dear.
I need help.
I'm so young and innocent.
Eh? What? That's a good idea.
You're right.
Appeal to her maternal instincts.
I wonder if it will work.
Appeal to her maternal instincts.
You are right.
Because in every woman there is a potential mother.
As my poor sister found out.
Oh, I was torn No, you see, this Scoutmaster Excuse me.
APHRODITE: Lurcio! Look out, here she is.
-I'm ready.
-Oh, dear.
-(LURCIO CRYING) -Why, Lurcio, what is wrong? You're crying.
(MUMBLING GIBBERISH) Oh, it's tears of joy.
Tears of happiness.
Oh, it's so beautiful here.
This reminds me of my old home.
And you're so sweet to me.
Ahh Yes.
How kind.
Do you really mean that? Yes.
You remind me of my dear, old mother.
-What? -Well, when she was young, of course.
Oh, I I worshiped her.
I can be much nicer to you than your dear, old mother.
(YELLING) -What is it? What have I done? -Oh, God! It's all right.
I'll be all right in a minute.
It's where I It's my poorly place.
Oh.
It's It's where I was savaged by a man-eating donkey.
-I'll be all right.
-Oh, dreadful.
I'll try not to touch it again.
(YELLING) -It was in the barbaric wars.
-The barbaric wars.
Yes, a spear went right into me.
-Oh, no.
-It was all right.
It came out the other side.
It's all right, now.
Nothing left there now.
Only the shaft, naturally.
-Lie down.
-No, don't.
-Don't touch me there.
-Oh, please, lie down.
Ah! No, don't! Oh, no, please! Oh, no, don't.
It was in the siege of Troy.
I was crushed.
You were crushed, where? In the catacombs.
Oh, yeah, I was laid in hospital.
I had me leg up for a month like that, me leg in the air.
All right! Oh, no thanks.
No, don't.
Oh, no.
Now I'm hurt.
(BOTH YELLING) Oh, no.
I'm beginning to think that Lurcio is not very happy in there.
But, Pater, she's only got him on approval.
Couldn't we buy him back again at the auction? Well, of course.
But with what? -You tell him.
-We've got 1,100 drachmas.
-What? -We sold a silver tiara, a gold ankle bracelet and a teddy bear.
Oh, I'm proud of you, daughter.
You're a very unselfish girl.
Well, they weren't hers.
They were mine.
Well, you're a very unselfish Yes.
Now we can go to the auction.
LURCIO: Oh, no, no.
Please don't.
If he lasts that long.
LURCIO: No, please.
Oh, please, no.
I only had it half an hour ago.
Oh, please.
Well, I did.
Honestly, I did.
-I can't.
-But you must have it again.
-Oh, I can't.
Please, not yet.
I can't.
-Oh, you can.
-No, don't make me.
-Oh, you can.
-Oh, I can't.
-You can.
All right, then I'll force myself.
Oh, I can't stand asses' milk.
Cheers.
Quiet, please.
Quiet, please.
Quiet.
Welcome, citizens of Pompeii, to today's auction.
We will start the auction today with our usual policy of working up from the bottom.
Lot one.
The slave, Lurcio.
Oh, dear.
The bottom.
Huh! The cheek of it.
They haven't all got that.
The bottom.
The cheek of it.
So sorry.
Now, ahem, who will start me off? I'll bid 100 drachmas.
-What was that? -100 drachmas.
100 drachmas, citizens.
Any advance? Come along, he's worth more than that in dog food.
Now, who will give me 110? Ah, that gentleman there with the peep-toed sandals.
Ah, thank you very much.
110 I'm bid.
-Any advance? 120.
120.
Any advance? That lady there with the tiara and the plunging stomach, over there.
Thank you very much.
130 I am bid.
-APHRODITE: 160.
-Who said 170? -He did.
-Oh, thank you very much.
-You're welcome.
-Yes.
Now, this gentleman on my left bids Wait a minute, you're the one being sold.
-Yeah, I'm sorry.
-Now, watch it.
I've got my eye on you.
What was the last proper bid I had from the floor? I bid 160.
160, I bid.
Any advance? -Who said that? -He did.
-Ah, that's all right.
At 70 drachmas for the first time.
I bid 160 drachmas.
160 drachmas I'm bid.
Any advance? At 160 for the first time At 160.
-For the second time.
Oh, my master's voice.
(BARKING) That's a joke for the old folk.
170, I am bid.
From Senator Ludicrus Sextus.
Ah, bless his frowsy, old beard.
-Eight.
-Nine.
-Going for nine.
-Ten.
-Eleven.
-Twelve.
-Thirteen.
-Fourteen.
-Fifteen.
-Sixteen? -Fifteen.
-Fourteen.
-Thirteen.
-Twelve.
-Eleven.
-Eleven.
Eleven.
Do I hear ten? What am I saying? What am I saying? Order, order, order.
For heaven's sake.
1,500 drachma.
1,500 drachmas.
Any advance? Come, come, citizens? Any advance on 1,500 drachmas? And don't forget, citizens, with every purchase we give away one of these magnificent green shields.
Now.
Who will bid me more? Do I hear 1,600? I shouldn't think so without your appliance.
You haven't got your doings Your thing.
-Me? -Your thing, there.
Ah, oh, yes.
Well, where's me ear trumpet? Oh, I hate to think.
I can't run an auction without me I'll do it for you.
Allow me.
Let me do it for you.
-Oh, yes.
-Right.
Now.
Lot one.
What am I bid for this lot? 1,600 drachmas.
Right.
Sold to Madam Night and Day, Aphrodite.
Sold.
Done.
There you are.
1,600 drachmas.
-I want you -And don't forget your green shield.
Thank you so much.
And now we come to the To the slave, Lurcio.
Oh, right.
Now, what have I bid? 100 drachma.
100 drachmas knocked down to Senator Ludicrus.
100 drachmas.
Done.
-Here.
Well, hold on a minute, matey.
-Yes.
What about knocking me down, then, eh? With pleasure.
-(LURCIO CRYING) -There, there, Lurcio.
There, there.
It's good to have you back in the family again.
It is, master.
Oh, dear.
When I was in that terrible auction, oh, it was awful.
It was terrible, that auction.
When, I I heard you.
I saw you.
I was overwhelmed.
My whelm has never been so over.
-What was that? -Get out of here.
Go on.
I understand, Lurcio.
Come, children.
Let's leave Lurcio to enjoy his little bit of misery.
Thank you very much.
Oh, it's the thought that counts, isn't it? Knowing that someone wants you enough to pay for it.
No, I mean Wait a minute, wait a minute.
No, wait a minute.
No, wait a minute.
I'll phrase that differently.
I mean Well, you know what I mean, don't you? It's so nice to be home again.
Ah, well.
Let's continue where we came in with the prologue.
Pyramus and Thisbe.
It came to pass APHRODITE: Stop all that noise.
I won't tell you again, or you'll be sorry.
Oh, don't take any notice.
Ignore her.
(WHISPERING) Now, Pyramus and Thisbe, it came to pass Woe, woe, the time has come.
The end is here.
Will you Missus, missus, come here, missus.
Listen, dear.
How, erm How would you like to join me in a prologue? -Me? -Yes, look, sit down there, love.
Sit down there, yeah.
I've got a nice surprise for you.
That's right.
Yeah.
Go.
The prologue.
It came to pass that Well, she got me after all.
Good gracious.
Ah, well, citizens, in the famous words, we who are about to dry, salute you.
And salute.
Goodbye.