Velma (2023) s02e06 Episode Script

1
Previously on Velma
Hey, buddy. Remember this?
I was serious when I said
I wanted to catch up.
You owe me.
And lives are at stake.
It takes rigorous screening
before I let anyone in here.
I haven't even reached out to those
poor girls Victoria Jones put in jars,
even though I'm sure
they're dying.
What?
The Brains are dying.
It's just that
after that failed seance,
I don't feel like I'm a witch
or a popular girl.
I don't know who I am.
Hold on. What if you went
to the Brains in my body?
We all struggle with self-doubt.
Velma, can you find the dong removing
serial killer already?
We're all scared but Sophie's fear
might embarrass me to death.
Forgive me for protecting
the things I love.
Now go, go, go!
But my inability to solve this case
was starting to make my dream
of growing up to solve mysteries
in the big city feel like a joke.
Worse, nothing makes
your dreams feel farther away
than a small town
high school career day.
And sure, my parents support me
following my dreams,
but they haven't exactly
led by example.
Ah, high school. Where I let
one detention mishap
end my dream
of being a good person.
Surrounded by good friends.
What I needed was one person
who had actually achieved their dreams
to show me what it takes.
Vote for sheriff today.
It's our dream to win.
Their dream?
The seminal reality show
The Amazing Race.
But becoming Sheriff
will keep us off anti-depressants!
Velma, I need to drive
your father home.
Watch the booth and find something
to clean up this grease.
Time to accept that
for people like me,
maybe dreams don't come true.
Velma.
My grandma's alive.
She faked her death to follow
her dream of completing her work,
and now her brain is in Daphne
so we can save Brenda,
Christa, and Lola.
- The honor is all yours.
- What?
So you're Dr. Edna Perdue,
but in Daphne's body?
But you sound just like Daphne.
Because I have her vocal chords.
But to me
I sound like myself.
As a neurologist, believe me when
I say this, the brain is weird.
Which is why Daphne
put her brain in a jar.
To figure out who she is.
I mean, good for her for going
on a journey of self-discovery.
- But is it safe?
- Is it safe?
The only thing unsafe is all the fun
I'm having in her body.
I can't believe I'm in the presence
of a pioneering female scientist.
How did you achieve your dream?
Which deodorant ad
made you believe
that you could do anything?
Hey, sorry to interrupt,
but we have to save the Brains.
Lola just posted this.
Save them from what?
Getting screen grabbed and dropped
in some creep's spank bank?
'Cause Lola's looking good.
No. The Brains sink in their jars
as they use up the nutrients.
Though silver lining,
if they die, I'll be able
to dissect them!
Stop! The Brains are friends,
not science experiments.
I know you're not this heartless,
and I'm going to prove it.
Norville, you texted that
I have to meet
the most Important person in my life.
Which is Daphne?
Yes. Daphne, is there something
you'd like to say to your daughter
I mean our principal?
Blythe? I mean,
I don't have time for this.
It's Principal Rogers
and I don't have time for this either.
I have to get back
to the career fair.
The students are almost desperate
enough to consider teaching!
Damn. That was your daughter
you haven't seen in 30 years.
- You really are that heartless.
- I'm not heartless.
It's just that feelings
create distractions.
And you must eliminate those
in order to be great
and achieve your dreams.
Just like how this discussion
has distracted us
from saving the Brains.
You're right.
Norville, get The Brains
and meet us in Mr. S's classroom
or they're as good as dead!
Not that us go-getters care,
right, Dr. P?
Your pandering is wasting time.
Yes, of course.
Why aren't you putting me
in the spa room?
I am Dr. Perdue's
personal guest,
not some rube with a Mother's Day
gift certificate.
Our computers
measure your brain waves
to predict the best environment
in which to center yourself,
and they placed you on top
of this cage in the nature room.
Wait! So the computer must think
I'm a popular girl and not a witch!
No one loves posing with cute,
endangered animals
more than popular girls!
Oh, God!
Hello? Father O'Rourke?
I wanna return this stuff
from when Catholicism was my thing.
Father O, you in here?
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
Will you hear my confession?
I'm not
Actually, what else
do I have going on?
Sure. What's up?
Yes, just as I expected.
Mr. S was trying to recreate
my research
and has almost everything I need
to mix The Brains' solution!
Oh, and snacks!
Don't be gentle.
This body is only a rental!
But how would he know
what went in the brain solution
without your journals?
He was hot, so there's an upper limit
on his intelligence.
Project SCOOBI still had
some of my research
when they shuttered their labs
on Fort Crystal.
Mr. S must have
somehow found it there.
My dad's friend Don
is in the Army!
I could ask him if he knows
anything about Project SCOOBI
and if it has something to do
with the murders!
He'd never tell you
something so sensitive, Velma.
This is the military.
What do you mean
we're going to die?
I told you
to tell them nothing, Norville!
Stir this.
You were supposed
to just knock them out!
You can't do that!
This isn't the CIA in the '50s!
People deserve to know
what's happening to them!
Daphne! The new polls are out,
your moms are sure to win
Hold up, your whole aura's off.
I don't feel you judging me at all.
Something is very wrong here,
I'm calling your moms
- Tell me that's not easier.
- What the hell is happening?
Relax, you're not going to die.
This vial contained
crystalized glutamine.
It can keep brains
alive in jars indefinitely.
As soon as the new solution is mixed
and put in your jars, you'll be fine.
Is this supposed to happen?
So your sin is anger?
Is that even a sin?
Feels weird for a religion
where everyone's always
so pissed off.
Right? But it's a problem!
My mean coworkers never told me
when there were bagels in the kitchen
so I'd get there last.
And now I freak out every time
I smell pumpernickel.
Oh, totally!
I can't smell pennies
without thinking of how Mother paid
the servants and then I get furious
wondering if maybe
she was a bad person.
You are too funny.
So, this is crazy,
but can I get your number?
Sure. It's 555-0111,
like in a TV show
so I remember it easily.
But, just real quick,
how old are you?
Hello? You there?
Velma! What have you done?
- I don't know.
- Can't you make more?
Or, like, just add some water
like an empty shampoo bottle?
No, that was the last
of my glutamine.
And it takes weeks to synthesize.
Unless Velma, I developed
crystallized glutamine
in the Project SCOOBI labs
on Fort Crystal
And if some of your research
is still there,
maybe there's glutamine
on the base as well!
Yes. And I can draw you a map
of exactly where to look.
Okay. But if I'm caught
stealing from Fort Crystal,
I could be sent to prison.
Great detectives
don't get caught, Velma.
Now, do you have what it takes
to achieve your dream or not?
Fred, watch out!
Velma! I need your advice.
Advice? It better be more urgent
than my internal bleeding.
It is! I met a woman,
but the circumstances are unique.
Daphne's a few months
older than you, right?
How do you navigate the pitfalls
of dating an older woman?
Fred, I don't have time for this.
Mother?
Pennies.
Hey, Dad.
So the career fair got me thinking
my dreams will never come true
and maybe it's time
to consider joining the Army.
Really? You know you'll have
to wake up early, right?
I do. So I'm kind of
on the fence about it.
But maybe if Don could get me
a tour of the base,
I could see
what the Army is all about.
A tour? I don't know.
Don's been ghosting me.
If I send him another text,
it's really gonna tip
the friendship
power balance in his direction.
But if I enlist,
you won't have to pay for college.
I'm texting him as we speak.
We're in.
I can't die. I'm supposed to be
the face of a brain teaser app.
And you will be.
I have complete faith in Velma.
Wait. Do you really?
Oh, God, no.
These turkeys are cooked.
I just can't deal with the whining.
And when brains in jars are dying,
whining is the final stage
before drama.
What? I told you about
that brain teaser job
because I'd already booked it,
you backstabbing bitch!
Melodrama.
You guys are tearing
this friend group apart!
And ruining our shared birthday!
And as death becomes eminent,
the final stage. Being boring.
Okay, now that that's settled,
who wants to hear about
my dream from last night?
Pro move,
leave and focus on yourself.
If what you do in life
is impressive enough,
everyone will love
and respect you forever.
Forever? All I care about
is making my friends happy
with what little time they have left.
Hey, so while Velma will
totally pull this off,
are there any, like,
bucket list items
you maybe wanna bang out
just in case.
Well, we have always
wanted to start a band.
I mean, we already have
the infighting down pat.
Great. Let's go.
Dr. Purdue, are you coming?
As if.
You guys still have a chance.
She's already dead.
What happened?
Who are you?
Now don't do anything
that would embarrass me.
Don's not only an old friend, he hires
me to do legal work for the military.
Remember when we created
that fungus
that turned a bunch of people
into zombies?
- No.
- Exactly.
- Get out of the car.
- Oh, God. I somehow blew this too.
Not you. Blondie.
Hey, guys.
I was waiting for Velma
to give me relationship advice,
but the smell of Mr. Dinkley's pennies
got me so upset thinking about Mother,
I shut down and just went to sleep.
Well, it's your lucky day, son!
Normally, I'd tie you up
and throw you
in one of our secret prisons
that "do not exist",
but I wanna make a good impression
on our VIP here.
VIP? Do you mean
Very Important Person
or my fanfic Velma in Paris?
Important Person.
The Army has an image problem.
And enlisting a smart
young woman like you
will make high schoolers think
"Hell, maybe I should enlist too!"
What? That sucks.
I mean, I need some more intel
before I commit.
Maybe a tour. Learn a fun marching
rhyme about cheating wives.
Wonderful. And Fred can stay too.
The Army can always use
handsome ones like him
to take the fall
at public hearings.
I want to see the 'copters.
They want to perform
at Career Day?
The whole point is to make kids
give up their dreams.
- But fine.
- Thank you.
Wait. We might have a problem.
Dang it. Why does everything
on my bucket list require hands?
Actually, by placing additional
electrode pads on your lobes
and running them straight
into the instruments,
you can play
using simple neural pulses.
That is eerie.
You just sounded exactly like my mom.
And that's a good thing, right?
Because she was a brilliant
black female scientist
who consistently defied
the barriers of her time
and you admired her
deeply for it.
Yes.
How interesting.
- And no.
- Excuse me?
So, Velma, where to first?
Ever touch
a LGM-30G Minuteman III
intercontinental
ballistic missile? It's fun.
Oh, just show me
where they experiment on aliens
and I don't know,
maybe weapons facility "DELTA".
Got to love a sense of humor.
I'm told. Historically,
the military hates them.
Hey, what's that?
It's the one thing
that can save The Brains
and help me impress
an old lady I just met.
- So shush.
- I will if you help me.
You're not the only one trying
to impress an old lady they just met.
Wait. This woman is old?
- How old?
- Unclear.
But given her voice,
I'd be lying
if I said she didn't own
multiple pill organizers.
Fred!
So does this mean
the computer thinks I'm a witch?
Do witches like roaches?
Does anyone like roaches?
Oh, my God.
Does anyone like me?
Hey! Stop bullying
that little guy.
Let him eat.
Leave him alone!
Oh, you just picked a fight
with the wrong brain.
If I survive this,
it'll be a really useful icebreaker.
Gotcha, suckers.
You can survive the apocalypse,
but not Daphne Blake!
Maybe I'm not popular or a witch.
Maybe I'm a hero.
Wait. What's going on here?
Stop! I should be your queen!
Unless this is a Bastille Day sitch!
Oh, God.
This is weirdly fun.
Yeah, it is.
If you enlist today,
I'll let you hit it with a hammer.
How about that?
No bigger rush in the world.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Armageddon. Armageddon who?
Armageddon excited
hitting this missile with a hammer.
Let me just turn the alarm off.
I must have left
my key card in the office.
Let's run and get it
in under 15 seconds.
Jackpot.
I am a great detective.
Fred, what are you doing in here?
It's her. What do I say?
I know it's weird and sudden,
but this is the first time
I've felt something
in the thin, pointy hole
left by mother.
Okay. But she called
before texting.
So she either
lives in a nursing home
or is scamming you
because you're rich.
- Velma, where are you?
- Run!
Hey, you need to drop
the attitude Daphne.
I only let the star athletes
at this school insult me like that.
Daphne's not trying to be rude, Mom.
Right, Daphne, who only
goes by the name Daphne?
Sorry. My point is,
I'm sure my moms are very busy
with their meaningless jobs
But I still love and respect them
because I know that their goals
take precedence
over my emotional well-being.
- I will always love my mother.
- Yes, of course you will.
But I will never respect her.
Sure, her job was important,
but that's still no excuse
for never being around.
So, no, I can't respect her.
Ever.
Yeah? Well, you ain't shit.
Crap, Don hammered
another missile!
Come on, Fred. Now.
Oh, no. Dogs.
They're afraid of the missile.
Thank you, missile.
Room 1969. There.
What?
This is just a supply closet.
The glutamine isn't here.
I'm texting Norville.
Maybe we're in the wrong spot.
Fred, turn off the light!
Or if it's your bright-ass
teeth, shut your mouth
It's not.
My teeth are much brighter.
It's coming from the AC vent.
Hoist me up!
Oh, my God!
Project SCOOBI is back up and running
and they have three dead bodies.
Turn that off!!
Freeze!
Hello everyone, we have
some unfortunate news.
Our daughter Daphne
has been suspended.
And now for the good news.
We're still so far up
in the exit polls,
it doesn't even matter.
Velma just texted.
She couldn't find the glutamine.
The Brains are as good as dead.
And soon you'll join them, Norville.
Grandma!
I'm hallucinating! I need your snacks.
But that's my last one.
What the hell is wrong with me?
You're hallucinating
and I only care about myself.
You're right, Norville.
I am selfish.
I have more glutamine.
I can save the Brains.
What? Why would you lie
about being out?
I just told you, I'm selfish.
Please pay attention.
The point is, when I learned
Velma had access to the base,
I let the solution boil over
and manipulated her desire
to be a great detective
to see if Project SCOOBI
had been reactivated.
What?
I said there's absolutely no way
we can lose this election.
Okay. First things first.
Have you had fun today?
Be sure to tell your friends.
We need those
recruitment numbers up.
And secondly, what the hell are you
doing in this restricted area?
Project SCOOBI is running
on the other side of this wall,
and there are three bodies.
That's impossible. Velma.
Project SCOOBI has been dead
since the early '90s.
They said the same thing
about rock and roll,
and look at it now!
Sadly limping along!
Velma, Velma, Velma,
there's nothing there but our organ
clones for important people.
What? I swear I just saw
a SCOOBI lab and dead bodies.
Don, I apologize.
And while I know the punishment
for sneaking around a base is prison,
consider our friendship.
Whatever you do with Velma,
please continue to hire me
for your legal woes.
- Dad!
- Prison? Please.
I have much better ways Velma
and Fred can make this up to me
Is it true the military accidentally
launched
a Minuteman III missile
after an officer hit it
with a small hammer?
I plead the fifth.
The right to arm bears.
I still say Velma got it worse.
Join the military.
It's a great option for teens.
You can go viral
just by going home to your dog.
I was in the Army.
I loved it.
Taught me everything I know
about discipline, respect,
and tight-ass ponytails.
Check, one, two. Check
Norville? What are you doing?
Check, one, two. Check.
Check, check, check.
Check, one, two,
now check behind you.
Behind you, check.
Check, one, two.
I am burying a message
in this sound check. Check, one, two.
Velma!
Hold on! Back up!
You're telling me your glutamine hunt
was just a ruse
to use me to see if Project SCOOBI
was back up and running?
- You used me!
- I'm so sorry, Velma.
Huh. Never said sorry before.
What a weird sounding word.
"So-rry".
But is Project SCOOBI
back up?
Yes! I mean, I think?
It was there but then it wasn't.
Like my respect for you!
To think I let you
make me believe in my dreams.
Velma, I was wrong
to play with your emotions,
but the only thing
that can truly make you believe
in your dreams
is generational wealth. Or you.
- Well, that's inspiring.
- Let me finish.
But it's a double edged sword.
Because unless you have
generational wealth,
it takes so much effort
to achieve your dreams,
the only way to do it
is to become a selfish monster.
Wait. So my choices are failure
to achieve my dreams
or selfish monster?
Yes. But I'm learning that
maybe family
can help you find the level
of failure you can live with.
Check. Check. Check.
Check over your shoulder.
My mom is coming. Check.
Now excuse me. I have to go.
I got suspended,
so Blythe can't know I'm here.
Plus, I have some things
I want to do in this body
before I give it back.
But what about
saving the Brains?
You can mix the solution, Velma.
I believe in you as much
as I believe in anyone,
which isn't much, but still.
- Velma!
- No time. Leave me alone!
Okay, Velma, you can do this.
Hey, everyone.
Our first tune is called
"Song Number One".
Oh, God! Velma, they can't get
any more boring!
- Hurry!
- I'm trying.
I just need to concentrate.
As long as I can hear myself think
Wait. This isn't boring at all.
Forgot to mention, for the last
10 seconds of their lives,
brains in jars do something
unexpected. See ya.
Oh, no!
- We're alive.
- We made it!
Now I can focus
on my solo album!
So if Mr. S was working
for Project SCOOBI,
and there are
three more bodies,
maybe all the victims are
connected to it in some way.
It's possible. And if anyone
can figure it out, it's you.
And Norville,
hallucinations that intense
are rarely caused by anxiety.
See if there are any external
sources triggering them.
I will, thanks! And I hope
this is the start of
Hey, sorry, I don't mean
to cut this short
but my girlfriend's brain
is currently in a jar
and I have to get her
to her moms' victory party.
Of course.
What do you mean
Daphne's brain is missing?
Hey, I'm afraid
it will take too long
to do the procedure
at this moment.
Let's just get
to the victory party
so Linda and Donna
don't get suspicious.
Hey, this is not what I meant
when I checked
"open to new experiences"
on that form.
I tell you, I'm innocent!
And very scared!
And a tiny bit turned on.
Sorry. I have to take this.
Hey, babe, you watching me
on the public access channel
like the old cable TV-having
broad you are?
Yes. So put me on speaker.
I want everyone to hear this.
Should I be nervous?
Yes. Because I'm the serial killer,
and I will keep killing
until I get what I want.
Oh, God! Father O'Rourke!
Okay, everyone,
we have exciting news.
Crystal Cove has just elected
its first dog comptroller!
Unfortunately, in the wake
of the revelation
that the serial killer
is yet another woman,
Crystal Cove also elected
Merle Cogburn as sheriff.
And yet, while we lost,
we couldn't have done
any of this without you.
You guys are the real losers.
Thanks for nothing.
Who are you?