Vice Principals (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

1 There's a full-on revolt coming.
You're a loser who commands no respect whatsoever.
I respect him.
This school has had worse.
(CROWD APPLAUDING) RUSSELL: You need to bring a hot date.
Show Snodgrass you're over it.
I have a master plan.
Think you should just keep searching around for a publisher that's more suitable.
- One that has a full head of hair.
- Oh! - What has gotten into you? - KEVIN: Hey guys CHRISTINE: In college, when Kevin and I were dating, you said he was gay.
Stop making up lies.
- RUSSELL: Don't - (SCREAMS) D'you like my little present? (GUESTS GASPING) I roofied in his drink.
You wanna go back to my place? Yep.
(gate buzzing) Why are you alone? Where's Russell? Couldn't make it.
I think he had to work on his marriage.
What the fuck? Russell's supposed to be here! I always show up for his shit.
I'm getting sick and tired of him being so goddamn selfish.
Well, I've been doing some digging on my own, and I think I might have cracked the case.
Statistics show the prep is usually someone who's close to you.
Perhaps someone you were romantically involved with.
My guess: it's your ex-wife Gale.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ! Look I know you've expressed an interest in helping me solve my case, and I have indulged that, but this is hopeless.
Come on, boss, no.
We can solve this case.
Case is closed.
Russell doesn't even show up anymore.
What the fuck, Gamby? We were just hanging out.
We're just friends.
Uh, none of my business, boss.
You're goddamn right, Nash.
Okay, zip your lips.
You didn't see a goddamn thing here.
Hey, Nash, you know what you saw.
We're in love.
No, we're not.
(theme music playing) Could I have a biscuit, please? Babydoll, this is no way for a married couple to live.
- I agree.
- Well, if you agree, then why aren't you following the therapist's advice? We're supposed to be communicating.
Dr.
Portino also said that we should be practicing unconditional honesty.
Fine.
Honesty Check.
These scrambled eggs are hard as hell, and they taste wretched.
See? Honesty is not always the best policy.
Nope.
It is the best policy.
Always.
I can keep going.
Honesty check.
I still have anger towards you.
In fact, I cursed your name earlier when I was masturbating in the shower and secretly hoped that we wouldn't have to see each other this morning.
Okay.
My turn.
Honesty check.
Let's go.
Bring it on.
I didn't want to see you either.
I stayed in the shower hoping you'd be gone by the time I got out.
Look at us.
Just a couple of honest Abes working it the fuck out.
See? It's better to tell the truth, even if it is uncomfortable sometimes.
Can I be honest with Mi-Cha, too? You should be honest with everyone.
Mi-Cha, you look like death warmed over.
Every time I look at you, I lose my fucking appetite.
Goddamn! Woo! That felt good! (speaks Korean) This is what we should have been doing all along.
You know what else? I honestly want to cook you dinner tonight.
Would you let me do that? Since when do you cook? I learned from one of the best, Betty Crocker.
(laughs) Honesty check.
Okay.
Sure.
It's a date.
A date.
- Date? - You can be there too because I love you.
Gamby: And I just want to thank everyone who donated their time.
It was really appreciated.
Now, thanks to you, the 4H Club's future is so bright they gotta wear shades.
(laughing) Thank you.
You guys have been great.
Thank you.
Woo! Yeah! You'll have to forgive Gamby.
I think he might have hit his head.
He thinks he's in a comedy club in Greenwich Village.
You know, like, uh, like Whoopi Goldberg? Something like that? You know who I'm talking about.
So, uh, anyway, it's that time of year again, for the High School Assessment Program.
And you know what that means.
The students get to take a test that doesn't really matter.
(laughing) Oh, oh, really.
That gets a laugh? Okay, whatever.
Uh, no, Regina, actually, how the kids score on the HSAPs affects our funding for the year, so it means a lot.
Now I'm gonna need some of you to volunteer to be proctors for the test.
Shouldn't tests be about learning? It is, Mr.
Milner.
It's about the district learning what an effective school we are and what an awesome fucking principal I am.
- (blows raspberry) - (laughing) What the fuck? Hey, man, why you trying to throw shade? Ain't nobody throwing shade.
Why don't you continue with your story.
You're acting like a dictator, Russell.
Shove it up your tight little ass, Martin! Just for that, you know what you are? You're a goddamn proctor now.
Say something else.
Come on, say it.
I'll outlaw fucking scarves in this school.
Now the HSAPs are coming, and we're gonna prep for 'em like our life depended on it.
Dismissed.
Except for you.
What the fuck? How dare you undermine me to score points with these teachers.
How dare you stand me up when you're supposed to be helping with my investigation.
I told you, I have more important things going on in my life than your stupid fucking case! Uh Say again? That came out wrong, Gamby.
I didn't mean that.
I think that came out exactly how you wanted it to, and I don't appreciate it.
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Smell you later.
Gamby.
Gamby So then the guy licks his finger, gets a weird look on his face, then looks at the girl and says, "Sweetheart, that ain't marinara sauce.
" (laughing) Oh, nasty.
You are so good at joke-telling, it's not even funny.
I mean, it is funny, obviously.
- Super funny.
- So, Gamby, you're still up for payday drinks this week, right? Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
You'll up the fun quotient by double digits, at least.
Well, I hope to.
(laughs) But no marinara sauce.
(laughing) You guys have been a wonderful audience, but somebody here's got to work.
I'm out.
(laughing) Enjoy the rest of your day, teachers.
- See you so soon.
- Yeah, you will.
- Did you guys hear that? - What? I said, I'll see you soon, he was like, "Yeah, you will.
" I think he likes you Duh.
Dayshawn, Dayshawn, Dayshawn.
Damn, Mr.
Gamby.
I see you over there straight chilling with the teachers, huh? Oh yeah.
I recall the time your ass was afraid to even sit over there.
Pssh.
So true.
I can hardly believe it myself, huh.
I'm actually becoming popular.
Tell you what, man, I'm fucking impressed.
You know, I got to make sure I don't forget who I really am.
But it's so crazy.
Yeah, you don't want to get too cocky.
- Got to be real.
- Yeah.
- You see those kids over there? - Yeah.
That used to be me.
A nerd.
A nobody.
Bottom of the barrel.
But now, I think I'm more like those guys.
Oh, you more like Aiden Miller and them cool motherfuckers? That's who you think you are? That's who I know I am.
- All right.
- I'm a tastemaker.
An alpha, Dayshawn.
When I say something, people listen.
When I crack a joke, people laugh.
It's like night and day, buddy.
That's fucking beautiful, man.
Congratulations, Mr.
Gamby.
You thinking about sticking with that haircut? Yeah.
Why would I change my hair? I just thought with you being a tastemaker now, you might want to switch to something a little more dope, man, instead of that Mike Ditka, Happy Days shit you got going on.
This is actually a pretty dope haircut for a white person.
Well, I'm not trying to offend you or any other white people, but you look like a very low-level mobster.
Uh, well, I don't really think that that's a negative.
So whatever.
Gamby: If I'm going to fit in at payday drinks, I'm gonna need some advice on how to dress like you people.
I was wondering why you dragged my ass to the mall.
Can I get something pretty, too? If you use your own money.
Neal (laughs) What the hell are you doing? Don't be embarrassed.
You can put your hand on my ass too.
Get your hand out of my pocket, right now.
Neal, look, I know you want to keep our relationship a secret, but I'm the second or third most popular teacher at North Jackson.
I can be your gateway to the in-crowd.
Uh-uh.
All I need from you are fashion tips, okay? Besides clothing, I already got their acceptance.
Yeah, well, if you want to be principal, you need more than acceptance.
Russell's principal.
Yeah, but if Russell wasn't around, then you would be principal.
Well, I highly doubt Russell's going anywhere.
Neal you have so much potential.
You're like a diamond in the rough and I want to be the one to scrape off all that gross black stuff.
Popularity is like war.
There are certain rules of engagement.
Rule number one: populars have their own sense of style.
Image is everything.
What do you think about this? A few small improvements Yeah, that's better.
Fucking hot.
Hey! You can't do that.
I was just making it cool.
You're destroying merchandise.
I don't even think this is my style.
Rule number two: forget what you think.
Being popular is about accepting what everyone else thinks.
Image is everything.
Image is everything.
Image is everything.
Neal Gamby, the most popular boy in school.
Can you see it? Mm.
So? Honesty check.
Did you like it? Delicious.
Who knew you could cook? Well, it looks like Mi-Cha enjoyed it.
She's going bananas over there.
Go ahead, soak it up, gravy's the best part.
Yeah.
Uh, no-no-no.
Don't you don't do it with your tongue in America, we use bread.
We use bread.
Here you go.
My one and only mother-in-law.
This is great.
You have to make it more often.
What's in it? No way, I will not divulge the secret recipe.
You cannot even get me with an honesty check.
I mean it, Christine.
(laughing) This was nice, Lee.
Thank you.
I love you, Christine.
Our marriage is sacred.
I will do honesty checks.
I'll cook dinner.
I'll even walk over hot coals to save it.
God's honest truth, baby.
I'll do the dishes.
Okay.
(speaking Korean) Thank you.
Lee? You rang? How long did it take you to cook dinner? Uh I don't know.
Like an hour, an hour I guess? For all this? Well, I didn't time it, Christine.
If you had just said, let's get takeout, I would've been totally fine.
I tried to cook, Christine.
But I-I-I burned the chicken.
Show me the chicken.
Well, I don't have the burned chicken, Christine, because I threw it away.
Once I got the-the takeout, I threw it away.
I was trying to cover my tracks, Christine.
- What were the ingredients? Quick.
- What are you? Christine, come on, I'm a principal of a high school You lie and then you tell more lies to cover everything up, even when you're doing something nice.
Why are you doing this? We just had a beautiful dinner.
No, I didn't, I didn't cook, but isn't it the thought that counts? Hey, hey, come on.
Don't do that.
Don't do this.
- Hey-hey, come on.
Come on, don't-don't.
- Stop it.
Don't do that.
Come on.
Gale: So we'll be to the school by six PM, - if that works.
- Yeah.
And if it doesn't work Well, this is a little bit of an inconvenience.
Janelle, don't leave your bookbag at my house again, okay? Keep up with your stuff.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
What are you wearing? What are you talking about? This is a linen suit.
I dig it, Gamby.
You got sort of a Max Headroom thing going on.
You look ridiculous.
Pssh.
Says the woman with blue hair and yoga pants.
Get a clue, Gale.
Image is everything.
Hey, can we get pizza after my thing tonight? Tonight, what's tonight? J Bird won an extinct animal art contest.
Yeah, I'm getting an award.
Aw, shit baby.
I can't make it.
I got payday drinks tonight.
- Gale: So what? - So what? Payday drinks is a very important social engagement.
I've never been asked before.
It's a real honor.
Can't you just miss it? (sighs) Baby.
Look.
If I can kick ass tonight at payday drinks, it's my one shot to be the most popular boy in the whole school.
The most popular boy? Person, whatever Gale.
Don't make fun of me, all right? Look, if I ever want to be principal again, I got to be popular.
Wish you guys could be supportive and understand that.
Hume said "Patriotism and popularity are the beaten road to power and tyranny.
" See? I knew Ray would understand.
Check it, check it.
Each of you have been chosen to be the proctors for the HSAPs.
Now I know none of you all want to be here.
I don't want to be here either.
I'll try to keep it chill as poss possible.
Now once the tests are completed, you will gather them, and you will deliver them to me and Nash-O.
We will then place the tests into bins that will be delivered securely by Ms.
Snodgrass, to the school board, no later than three PM.
Do no tamper with the tests, or you could face jail time.
Yikes.
They'd throw me in teacher jail? No, Ms.
Snodgrass.
State, federal, fucking prison.
So don't fuck around.
Do you guys want to get your packets now? Gamby, looking forward to payday drinks tonight? Should be a fairly fly affair, huh? First time you've been, huh? Of course you'd try to shine a light on that.
- You buzzkill.
- No.
Hater's going to hate.
Hater's going to hate.
The problem with him is, you need to walk and talk.
You need to be able to walk and talk.
Hello, friends.
What's going on? - Deets: Oh, I got that thing.
- Seychelles: Oh, yeah.
- I got to go do.
- Oh yeah.
I got to go.
Seychelles: See ya.
Yo.
I just wanted to give you the heads-up that the proctors are all set for the HSAPs tomorrow.
Hey, that's, uh really cool ensemble.
I know.
Thank you.
Also, Gamby, I was thinking about some some suspects, you know, in your case, and, uh Russell, don't try to be my friend.
You don't care about the case, so don't act like you do.
I was just trying to be nice.
I got to split.
Teachers invited me to PDD.
Oh, you got invited to payday drinks? (scoffs) Please.
I used to go all the time.
A bunch of teachers sitting around eating nachos and singing karaoke? What an absolute joke.
I like eating nachos and lip-synching, I always have.
Oh, well good.
I hope you enjoy them.
I'm sure you will as fucking fat as you are.
Fuck you, Russell.
Pssh.
Fine, I'm jealous.
All right? The teachers, they hate my guts.
And they love you and your Is that what you want to hear? I said it, so there you go.
You got it.
Put it in your wallet.
You can have it.
Come on, man.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's just payday drinks.
I used to be the most likeable motherfucker in town, Gamby.
Now I can't even get my own wife to be my friend.
I would invite you, but you know how the teachers are.
They like to keep the guest list low for payday drinks, so they can get that good table.
Go on, have a good time, Gamby.
(sighs) Fuck it.
Come with me.
Let's rock this payday drinks.
Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka (music playing) Woo-hoo! Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk the dinosaur Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka.
Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka Boom, boom, aka-laka-laka Buenas noches, amigo.
Hey, listen.
When I said you hadn't been to payday drinks before, and, uh, you got all upset, um, I didn't mean anything by it.
I didn't think you cared about this kind of stuff, that's all.
Being popular is very important if I hope to get the things I desire in this world.
Image is everything.
Wow.
You seem so different.
You never struck me as someone who needed to fit in.
Well, there's plenty of people that think that being cool suits me just fine.
Where's your old man? He too good for payday drinks? He's in, uh, South America.
He's working on another novel.
(scoffs) Jesus, of course he is.
I guess he is getting the real deal Mexican food down there, huh? Well no, because Mexico is in North America.
Well, somebody better tell the Mexicans 'cause they think they are in South America.
(cheers, applause) Guys, tonight I'd like to make an announcement.
I have never been happier than I am right now.
And, uh, I can get pretty sad and weird, I swear.
I just want you all to know that uh, this is me doing good for once.
And, uh, I can't hold it in any longer.
But you should.
You should.
You should hold it in.
- No, I can't.
- No, but you're going to.
'Cause it needs to be mutual, it needs to be a discussion.
Neal Gamby and I are seeing each other.
We're a fucking couple, y'all! - Love wins! - (applause) Congrats, Gamby.
You scored.
Abbot: Thank you, Mr.
Milner.
Neal, come on up here.
And let's show these guys that we are made of magic.
Go on, Gamby.
Sing with your boo.
- Come on! Come on! - Come on, Gamby.
I actually don't know the words to this song, so no.
This is our song, you guys.
This song is about us.
I don't know one part of the song.
- I was tired of my lady - I'm not going to go up there and sing it.
- Go on, Neal Go.
- Together too long Russell: You got to get up here.
(cheering) Recording Of our favorite song So while she lay there sleeping (mumbling) I read the paper in bed If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain If you like making love at midnight We do! At the dunes on the cape And I never thought I'd feel this way Now why would you bring him here? He's not part of the group anymore.
Yeah, Gamby, Russell sucks ass.
Shut the fuck up, you guys.
He brought him in to make fun of him.
Snodgrass: What? If I love you You brought him to make fun of him? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, of course.
He's my sacrificial offering.
I mean, I just figured we could all use a little release, I know I could, with all this HSAP prepping.
Who's prepping? (laughs) What's with the secret laughter? What's that all about? You swear not to tell? I swear.
Okay, so ever since spring term started, we stopped teaching to the tests.
It was LeBlanc's idea.
Uh, actually not me, I-I didn't do that.
Snodgrass, you are such a square.
If the HSAPs go badly, - Russell is out.
- Gamby: Mm.
But isn't that bad for the students? I mean, if they crash and burn on a test? And the test is a useless exercise.
It only affects principals.
Yeah, maybe the budget will take a hit, but it's worth it if Russell gets fired.
Yeah.
Then you'd be the king of the school.
Neal Gamby, the handsome king.
It's better than King Ding-a-Ling.
(laughs) Guys, Neal is right, I mean, I think it's shitty - Get a chip.
- (gasps) I'm so sorry.
Hon, let me help you clean it.
No.
You're good.
It's okay.
Stop it.
I will go throw some water on it.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
Good luck.
- Excuse me.
Seychelles: Party now.
Go quick, so it doesn't set.
For sure That's what friends are for Yeah.
That is what friends are for, guys.
Thank you so much.
This has really been such a special evening for me.
I Wow.
I will wake up a different person tomorrow, I'll tell you that.
(lively chattering) Boyfriend.
Can you give me a ride home? I'm pretty buzzed.
Yeah, I got to give Russell a ride home first, though.
Ugh.
Okay guys, go home.
Let Milner be the designated driver.
(laughs) I knew that I didn't lose my touch.
Celebratory drink at my house.
No, I'm too tired, my back hurts.
No.
Yeah, it's about that time, Russell.
You're administering a test tomorrow, you can be tired.
(chatter, laughter) Hey, keep it down.
(mutters) What the fuck? Looks like you got robbed.
Christine? Mi-Cha? - (opens door) - Christine! - What the fuck? - I-I don't know.
- (door closes) - Mi-Cha? Christi? Christine! (whispers) No Buddy, everything okay? She's gone, Gamby.
Oh, Russell.
Christine is gone.
It's over.
Oh, man.
Why do all these bad things keep happening to me, Gamby? What did I do to deserve it? (sniffling, sobbing) What did I do to deserve this? (whispering) You know what? I'm really I'm really, really tired.
You'll be okay, Lee.
Let's give him some space.
Russell, do you want to spend the night tonight? No, he doesn't.
He's okay.
He'll be fine.
Let's just go.
Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.
See you at school tomorrow, Russell.
Bye, Lee, see you at school.
Ugh, I really feel like I almost puked when he stated crying.
Ugh, just a broken man.
It's like ugh.
That's never going to happen to us.
- What's that? - Splitting up.
If it did, I would fucking kill myself.
I bet we end up married.
Maybe we should just listen to these tunes.
(pop song playing) Deets: It's the same way every time.
- Seychelles: Is it? - Yeah.
Yeah.
It was the same way Oh, there he is, life of the party.
Uh, hello, hello, everybody.
Um, I just, uh, I wanted to thank you, each and every one of you for accepting me back into this group.
- That's, that's very sweet.
- Aw.
Really it means everything to me.
So I just wanted to say thank you.
Teachers: Aw! That's what friends are for.
Okay, see ya.
(laughing) There's a reason in the universe for all things.
All great things come to those who care.
Who care deeply about great things.
Stop.
Pencils down.
Test is done.
These tests Russell is fucked.
Look at this, this one wrote out "cum.
" Probably because there wasn't enough room for "ejaculate" or "spermatozoa.
" Very clever child.
Well, I got his pink slip right here.
All right, guys, let's not laugh too hard.
These are failing children we're talking about.
Who cares? Russell's ass is grass and we are the Weedwackers.
(laughs) This is the last of them, boss.
All right, Amanda, let's get these to the school board office by three PM.
- Don't dillydally.
- I'll guard them with my life.
Lee Russell bites the dust.
It's the moment we've all been waiting for.
(gasps) (laughs) Magic.
Amanda, I need to speak to you.
Your girlfriend wouldn't like that.
Oh, come on, she's not my girlfriend, okay? I just have no other option.
Don't judge me, all right? I mean, it's not like you're not dating Brian to get your book published.
Hey, do we have to do this now, Neal? - Come on.
- No, we don't, but I-I need those tests.
No.
They have to stay by my side.
Excuse me.
Nope, not excusing you because I have clearance.
You're gonna give them to me.
- It's my responsibility - Give me the tests.
- No, I will not.
- Give me the tests.
- Give me the fucking tests.
- Move out of my way.
Look, Amanda, we cannot turn in these fucked-up tests.
What the teachers have done is wrong.
I got to stop them.
Okay.
Let me help.
That I am forever in your presence and in your grace.
Russell.
Are the tests in? I'm really stressed out, Gamby.
After the whole Christine thing, I really need a win.
Lee But I know when one door closes that another one opens.
Lee, Lee, the tests are fucked.
The teachers, they didn't teach the test on purpose.
They want you fired.
It's a full mutiny.
They fucked me? Everyone fucked me? We didn't fuck you.
Snodgrass: Just under an hour.
What is the main idea of the dinosaur story? It's D! There's several competing theories.
- D.
Go.
- You got it.
Uh, 22, C.
22-22 is C.
I don't know geometry.
- (knocking at the door) - Shh.
Hello, who is it? Oh, shit.
You guys are jukin' em? - Shut the fucking door.
- Get the fucking door.
Get in here! Get in here.
Close the door.
Grab a pencil, let's go! Number seven, number seven.
- 17 is B! - Bingo! Nash, you have to erase the old answers.
- Snodgrass: 10 B! - Russell: 14.
27.
28.
- Snodgrass: C! - What number is that? Snodgrass: All's I care, 24 is C! - Gamby: Go-go-go-go.
- Wow.
What's up folks? Fuck off, Willows.
- (shouting) - (engine racing) - Answer, A! - But what about you? Hurry up! We're almost there! We're almost there! (shouting) Here we are! Here we are! Wrap it up! - (tires screeching) - Whoa! Gamby: Go! Thank you.
People, I'm coming through.
Excuse me.
Wait! I'm here.
North Jackson High School! (indistinct chattering) What's taking her so long? Oh-oh, there she is.
Nash: There she is.
Why is she walking like she's got something stuck up her ass? - Something's not right.
- I think that's just the way she walks.
Guys, I, uh, I don't know how to tell you this.
But the tests are - They're in! They're in! - (screaming) Oh, thanks, bud! Oh my God, you're all I've got! You're all I've got! That was awesome! I'm going to celebrate with Snodgrass.
- I'll come with you.
- No.
Celebrate with Nash.
Russell: No, no, no.
But you're all I've got! Come on in, you big pooh-bah.
- Grand pooh-bah! - Hey - (laughing) Okay.
- All right.
Yes, we did it! Hey, take a picture.
It'll last longer.
My old friend What's been going on? Are you still singing that same old song? Has your days been treating you well? Are the nights still cold as hell? It would be so nice To hear from you again My old friend I hear all the old folks are gone I guess we're the ones now That's the way it goes Those crowded days are behind us now May your backside catch the wind May you have many more Days to spend I could see you again My old friend