What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e06 Episode Script

The ERA is not about,
uh, equality.
It's about power.
There are more of us
than there are of you.
I wouldn't be so sure.
NADJA:
Guillermo, I found another one!
[laughs]
Here. Right here.
- LASZLO: Gizmo, here's one.
- Oh!
Come on, boy.
Making it three to the Laszlo.
NANDOR:
Guillermo.
Big one here.
- Right here.
- We are playing a game
- that Guillermo made up.
- It's not a game.
We have been burying bodies
out here for ages,
thus creating sink spots.
It's caused by decomposing
human cadavers.
- It's a wonderful game.
- It's a safety hazard.
I'm winning!
And then my master
came into the room.
It turns out it was Nadja
who had moved the couch, so
[screams]
What the fuck?!
[screaming]
Give me your hand!
Give me your hand!
[screams]
What the fuck?!
- Get me out of here!
- [gagging]
["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]
Don't sing if you want
to live long
They have no use
for your song
You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead
You're dead
and out of this world
Now your hope and compassion
is gone
You sold out your dream
to the world
Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead
You're dead
and out of this world.
Hey, this one's extra juicy.
I think it's a three-personer.
- Three points for me! - Ugh, damn it.
- LASZLO: You're wrong.
Graves are worth one.
Three is for the body.
What the?
Who threw a fucking dagger?
COLIN:
Ooh.
[cackling]
Whoa.
NANDOR:
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
[laughs fiendishly]
I have waited ages for this.
And now
I finally have you cornered.
Please, Mr. Mystery Man,
do not harm me.
If you wish to kill someone,
kill my familiar.
It won't be as satisfying,
but it will be much easier.
Silence!
I am not here for you.
- NADJA: Oh. - That's a relief.
- Nor you.
Thank you very much.
That's nice.
Scuse me, are you possibly here
to kill me?
- No.
- 'Cause if you are,
I just need to run in and
Silence.
I am here
for him.
For me?
Well, why the hell
would you be here for me?
And who the hell are you anyway?
[chuckles]
I have gone by so many names,
all of them feared
on the whispers of time.
[chuckles]
Hello, Laszlo.
Uh, hello.
I can see by the look
on your face
you were never expecting
to see me again.
No, you can see
by the look on my face
I haven't got a fucking clue
who the hell you are.
[chuckles]
Nice try.
Like you don't remember
what went down in California.
I rented you a guest room.
Oh, yes.
I did take a brief sojourn
to the Golden State.
I didn't want to go.
Well, you weren't invited.
It was a work trip.
- And I wasn't invited.
- I was I had agreed to meet the Devil
at an intersection
of roadways,
where we'd do a deal
where I would become
a much better guitarist.
I thought the Devil's crossroads
was in Mississippi.
Exactly. I was misinformed.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Are you keeping well?
Not good, Master Cravensworth.
You remember I rented you a room
in my beach house
in San Diego?
- I do. Beautiful part of the world.
- Yes.
And you skipped out
without paying me
the last month's rent.
- [groans]
- And the security deposit.
- Laszlo.
- Yeah.
'Cause if I remember correctly,
I walked into the john,
and someone had left
a huge floater.
That may be,
but you took me for a fool.
You swindled me.
I have spent
167 years searching for you.
[laughs]:
And now, oh-oh-oh
satisfaction will be mine.
All right.
Either you repay your debt now,
or you will pay with your life.
The money or a duel!
- Pay him. Pay him the money.
- No. No, no.
- Pay him the money.
- Pay him some money. Just pay the debt.
I'm not paying for shit,
so a duel it is.
- Oh, no.
- NANDOR: Shitting
Hold this.
- NADJA: Whoo! Go on, Laszlo!
- [both hissing]
NANDOR:
Get it out, get it out.
NADJA:
Very masculine.
That's right.
Scare him with your circles.
COLIN:
Give him hell, Laszlo.
NANDOR:
Okay, okay. Thank you.
[both continue hissing]
What is done tonight
may not be undone.
Do both combatants agree?
Courage and honor.
Aye. Courage and honor.
Then the die is cast.
Both combatants, please,
you will stand back-to-back.
Then you will take ten paces.
Then
you will unleash hell.
And
one pace.
Two. Good.
No peeking, now.
Three.
- Four
- NADJA: Laszlo!
- Laszlo, no! That's not courageous!
- Bat!
- [horn blaring]
- He's not coming back,
you know.
Are you kidding me?
- NANDOR: Sorry about that.
- [groans]
Oops. He found the big one.
- Cravensworth!
- Yeesh.
LASZLO:
Am I a coward?
Of course not.
There is no honor in defeat.
- [grunts]
- I've never paid the piper
in my life,
and I won't start now.
- [blows]
- I suppose
it won't surprise thee to learn
that I've prepared
for a night such as this.
- So, my sweet angel
- [exhales sharply]
it is here
that I bid you farewell,
for tonight is the night
that I must disappear forever.
Love,
the man formerly known
as
Laszlo.
Forgive me, my darling.
[groans]
There we are.
Blue jeans.
And my toothpick.
My foolproof human disguise
for whenever
the shit hits the wind.
Makes me
completely unrecognizable.
[moos]
[upbeat country music playing]
- How you diddling, Joe-Joe?
- Yep.
Your wife still giving you shit
over that hammock?
After all that nonsense
on Staten Island,
I cut loose to Pennsylvania,
because it sounded
like "Transylvania."
And we all know
that sounds cool.
I infiltrated the township
posing as
your average
American Yankee Doodle Dandy.
And I took over
Lucky Brew's Bar and Grill.
- MAN: Yeah!
- The previous owner,
he mysteriously disappeared
because I killed him.
- Drinks on the house!
- [shouting, whooping]
And I have not
looked back since.
I now go by the name of Daytona.
Jackie Daytona.
And I'll tell you something.
Jackie Daytona's life,
it ain't so bad.
Not bad at all.
["Simply Irresistible"
by Robert Palmer playing]
MAN:
Yeah!
[others shouting, whooping]
LUCY: I've been in this town
a long time,
and we've never really met
someone like Jackie.
LASZLO:
No one here knows I'm a vampire,
apart from the people
I've drained and killed,
but they're dead now,
so that problem's
pretty much solved itself.
That kind of love
is mythical
This will blow your mind.
- [bass singing]
- Huh?
LUCY:
He has a really big heart.
How the hell does that work?
Hardly anyone cared
about the volleyball team
until he came around.
COACH SWANSON:
Up, up, up!
- [cheering]
- Yeah! Unlucky!
We weren't doing real well.
Uh, we were losing a lot.
When there's no other course
And, uh, Jackie Daytona
shows up, and, suddenly,
balls are going
where they're supposed to go.
- You got this. Nice! Set!
- Come on, girls.
I'm pretty sure
he's the X factor.
LASZLO:
There we go!
Superb!
Simply irresistible
LASZLO:
While I'm in disguise,
I can't fly.
So I got myself one of these.
Let's go, Bucks.
- [grunting]
- I've truly grown to love this township.
So I have rid it of
some motor-bicycle criminals.
You better hit the bricks
before I put my foot
up your ass.
WAYNE:
Every year, me and the boys
go on a charity run
to raise money for kids.
We're just on a weekend ride
to raise money
for Toys for Tots.
And he came out of nowhere
and beat the shit out of us.
How 'bout I put this toy
where the moon don't shine?
She leaves me in awe,
she deserves the applause
He's really mysterious.
And modest.
He covered up
all the mirrors in the bar.
But now I find her
COACH SWANSON:
When you're Jackie Daytona,
you can do whatever you want,
'cause you change lives.
LUCY:
Jackie Daytona really
inspires me.
LASZLO: It may have sprung
from necessity,
but now I feel
as though I may never depart.
Simply irresistible.
[crickets chirping]
[indistinct shouting, cheering]
LASZLO:
We made it!
Drinks are on Jackie Daytona!
- [cheering, applause]
- Yes.
Okay, okay, okay, everybody!
Ah, you know,
we've had a rough year.
But tonight
we qualified for State!
[cheering, whooping]
Great work!
I want to take a second
to thank everybody
and, most of all,
a huge, huge thank you
yes to our friend,
Mr. Jackie Daytona!
ALL:
We love you, Jackie!
Jackie, if it were not for you,
we wouldn't be here.
You're the heart and soul
of this team, sir.
- Yes, you are!
- MAN: Yes, you are.
I am just a regular human guy.
- Oh - No, you're not.
- MAN: Come on.
And, unfortunately, now
I got to deliver
some pretty tough news.
Due to state budget cuts,
we are no longer able to afford
this year's tournament fees.
And, therefore, we
we're not going to State.
- You what?
- [gasping, murmuring]
I'm so sorry, Jackie.
[gasping]
I need some air!
It makes no sense to me either,
that I would fall in love
with volleyball.
But, you know what,
I've come to love those Bucks.
I love the popcorn,
the squeak
of the tennis shoes
on the court.
And I promised I'd never get
emotional in front of you chaps,
but
I didn't scrape and murder
my way to Pennsylvania
to watch those talented athletes
get fucked off.
I don't mind saying
I need your help, Billy Bass.
I'm shit out of ideas.
Penny for your thoughts.
I think we'll need more
than a penny, Luce.
Those poor girls,
they didn't deserve that.
You got a big heart, Jackie.
Everyone in this town
knows that.
Mm.
I just wish I understood you.
You're such a mystery.
You say you're from Tucson,
but you talk
all fancy and Europe-like.
This is the way we talk
in Tucson, Arizonia.
If only there was some way
to help that volleyball team.
She's so fine
There's no telling
where the money went
- She's all mine
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there.
You never told me
you could sing like that.
Not only that,
you can sing real damn good.
That's given me an idea.
I say, an incredible idea.
Jackie Daytona has
a major-league plan.
Talent show tomorrow,
here in the pub.
We charge five bucks a ticket.
Imagine the amount of money
we'll raise for these girls.
Yes!
This town's full of talent.
He's getting into it.
This is gonna be spectacular.
I know that you're
a first-rate singer.
Talent show.
Lucky Brew's.
Take another one for your wife.
You can do some impersonations.
[imitating Borat]:
My wife!
There you go. Henry VIII.
- Support the Bucks.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Take a leaflet.
See you tomorrow?
Come on.
Me, I'm pretty handy
at the old shadow puppetry.
Like a love revival
It's very scary.
But watch this.
[laughs]:
How do you do that?
LASZLO:
I won't goof it up.
I promise.
You can trust me.
COLIN:
Playing cards
actually were invented
by the Chinese
in the ninth century.
Please shut up.
Nadja, it's your turn.
[crying]
- Yes, you should go speak to her.
- I can step in.
- No, you can't.
- All right.
I just couldn't sit there
playing games
when my Laszlo is so fragile
and out there just all alone!
He survived this far, so
- COLIN: Hello.
- Oh, um
not now, Colin Robinson.
I'm actually just checking in.
You seem to be having
a difficult time
now that Laszlo left you
and is likely dead.
You seem you know, so lonely.
- [crying]: I am so lonely!
- Yeah.
You know,
you don't need to be lonely.
Thanks.
No. No.
- No?
- No.
- No?
- No. No.
[chuckles]: No, I wasn't
actually trying to kiss Nadja.
It's just that
the unwanted kiss rejection
is one of the most awkward
interactions you can have
and, therefore,
the most delicious form
of energy draining.
'Cause I w
I was getting a bit of a-a vibe.
- No way.
- Okay.
It was like
a Thanksgiving feast.
Mwah. [laughs]
If I wasn't married
[chuckles]
and you were
a completely different person
You know, I wanted to check
on all the walls of the house.
See you around.
Every day in every room
Yeah.
- on forever.
- I live here.
We're gonna be bumping
into each other a lot.
[chuckles]
So, what's your deal?
I did, however, try to kiss
the Nadja doll, and
its rejection, uh stung.
Come on, Joe, drink up.
I don't want
Carol ringing here again.
I'm about to close, friend-o.
Anything quick
I can rustle you
up?
Uh, one human alcohol beer,
please.
Coming right up.
One human alcohol beer it is.
You don't mind if I join you,
do you?
Please do.
So, what blows you into town?
Oh, just, uh
passing through.
Judging by that look
on your face,
I'd say there's something
on your mind.
I suppose I can trust you.
After all, you're clearly
just a regular human bartender.
- Mm.
- The jeans, the toothpick.
Salt of the earth.
- [chuckles]
- That's all I am.
Just a regular human
bartender.
Ah.
Mmm.
To tell the truth,
I've been scouring
the area for a while now.
I'm hunting a shady character.
Ah.
- "Shady character," you say?
- Yes.
Great pint.
Laszlo's his name.
A slippery heathen more vile
than the most vile villain.
A pestilence masquerading
as a man.
- A cowardly worm of a person!
- All right, all right, all right.
I get your point, stranger.
- Sounds like a regular wacko.
- [groans]
A real son of a bitch.
- Yes.
- I'll keep
my peepers peeled for that guy.
Well, then, uh,
I will get out of your hair.
Thank you
for the strong beverage
and your time.
My pleasure.
But if you see anybody
that seems off
give me a call.
Nice to meet you,
Jim the Vampire.
How
did you know my name?
It's printed on your card
very clearly.
Oh. Right.
[laughs]
- Eh, well, good night.
- Good night.
- Oh.
- [chuckles]
That was too fucking close
for comfort.
The smart thing to do now
would be to get out of town.
I mean, that's what
Laszlo would do.
But I'm not Laszlo.
I'm Jackie Daytona.
And I made a promise
to this town.
- LASZLO: Give me a "hell yeah!"
- CROWD: Hell yeah!
[cheering]
Wasn't that something?
Now, listen, I want to thank
everyone for coming down.
We have raised the money
to send these girls to State!
[cheering, applause]
Way to go, Bucks!
You enjoy yourself.
If you want me,
I'll be at the bar.
Take it away, Luce.
[cheering, applause]
LUCY:
Hello, everyone.
I, uh, don't normally do
much singing in public,
but a very good friend gave me
the strength to be up here.
This one's for you, Jackie.
- ["Simply Irresistible" playing]
- GIRLS: We love you, Jackie!
[cheering, applause]
How can it be permissible?
Mmm
She compromise my principle
Yeah
I'm guessing the jig is up.
It certainly is,
if by "jig,"
you mean "the varsity
volleyball team's chance
of going to State,"
then, yes, the jig is up.
Oh, you were talking
about the volleyball?
Mm, yes.
- [exhales]
- I read your flyer.
I was so heartbroken
for the team,
I decided to come back and spare
a few bucks to help them out.
[both chuckle]
Even though
I am extremely poor
- Ah. - due to someone
swindling me years ago.
Anyway,
your fundraiser has been
my only source of hope
in a long, long time.
Well, then you'll be pleased
to know that we've raised
enough money to send
the girls to State.
Oh, thank goodness!
You don't know how it warms
my heart to hear that.
[both chuckle]
Would you like a drink,
old-timer?
Yes, I'll have a
uh, one human alcohol martini,
please.
- Martini? An aristocrat.
- Mm.
- [chuckles]
- I like that.
The trend is irreversible
Charlatan!
- [people gasping]
- LASZLO: Oh, shit.
I'm guessing I've come
to the end of the road.
[gasps]
It was you the whole time.
Prepare for your punishment,
Cravensworth.
It will not be swift.
Not without a fight,
me old fruit.
- [both hissing]
- WOMAN: Oh, my God,
- they're vampires!
- [screaming]
[shouting, clamoring]
- WOMAN: Oh, they're gonna kill each other!
- You had enough, old man?
- [hisses]
- Shit!
[shouts]
[screaming]
[growls]
[groans]
[hissing]
Eh.
[grunting]
[straining, shouting]
JIM:
Oh, that's going
to leave a mark!
Hey, Jim the Vampire,
- you're fired.
- That doesn't even make any sense.
I don't work for you.
[screaming]
Oh, fire. Now I get it.
- Shit!
- The money for State!
Oh, no!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh!
No! Get out!
LASZLO:
Hold on, hold on.
I've got this covered.
[groans]
Shit.
JIM [cries]:
Oh, no.
Ugh, no.
Look what we've done.
All these years
of obsession and hatred.
- Well - You know who the
real losers are in all this?
The girls volleyball team.
That's who.
Kind of puts our whole beef
in perspective, doesn't it?
- I should say it does.
- Mm.
That debt I owe, I shall pay it.
And I shall pay it in full.
Even the most wealthy
of vampires would struggle
- to pay what you owe.
- Ah.
But even the most wealthy
of vampires,
they don't own what I own.
- This.
- What is this?
Do you remember
the Mechanical Turk?
Ooh, yes.
Well, this is the same thing
in fish form.
- [laughs]
- Don't ask me to explain
how it works,
'cause it's unexplainable.
Because there's only one
in the whole world.
- Will they say I've spent my life
- [gasps]
- Look, look.
- Isn't it splendid?
Oh, I have never seen
such beauty.
[laughs]
Gonna take me down
Your debt is paid,
Laszlo Cravensworth.
- Excelsior.
- Excelsior.
And I apologize for
the billiard ball to the head.
- [chuckles]
- Safe passage, sir.
Still bustin' moves,
still breaking
[door opens]
[exhales]
- Lucy.
- [screams]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I just came to say goodbye.
You're a very sweet girl,
but it never would've worked.
One, I'm married.
Two, I'm a vampire.
Time to get the fuck out
of here.
[engine starts]
Fucking hell!
I never learned to drive,
which is a pity,
'cause that thing cost
a fortune.
Bat!
So it seems that
the winding path of life
Guess who's back!
has led me back to myself.
[squealing]
Back to Laszlo.
Yes!
- Everybody, my Laszlo is home!
- [laughs]
Hello, Laszlo.
What? Is that it?
- What?
- I've been gone ages,
and all you can do is,
"Hello, Laszlo"?
Please. You've been away
for, like, one week.
Are you kidding?
I was a different person.
I was Jackie Daytona.
I said "Welcome back," didn't I?
Fucking guy.
- Who cares?
- Let's go.
- To the boudoir.
- [laughs] Ooh!
Run! I'm so horny!
LASZLO:
Some of Jackie Daytona's
good-naturedness
has rubbed off on me.
I set Lucky Brew's ablaze
and picked up
the insurance money
to put
the girls volleyball team
through to State.
Thing is,
one of the waitstaff
was still in the building,
so I had to set fire to another
building to pay for his funeral.
And after hypnotizing
the entire town
into forgetting vampires
ever existed,
I put in a good word
for a new friend.
Nice hustle, Jessica!
Teamwork pays off!
Very good, very good!
Yeah! Don't be afraid
to draw blood.
Yes!
LASZLO:
And you know what?
I think we could all use
a bit of Jackie Daytona
time and again.
Oh, no.
Who the hell are you?
And what on earth
are you doing in my boudoir?
- Relax, my darling. It's me.
- Laszlo!
You scared me half to death.
[gasps]
Oh.
You're back.
So, what is your name, stranger?
My name is Jackie.
- Jackie Daytona.
- [chuckles]
- Come here.
- LASZLO: Ooh.
NADJA: I want to see
if your other toothpick
- is made of wood.
- [laughs]
Born to travel
Free to roam
Get ready!
- Oh, no!
- Oh! What the?
[people gasping]
Oh, no!
My Mechanical Turk!
[crying]
- Hey. [chuckles nervously]
- Oh, no!
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't worry about it.
You can get those anywhere.
I'll just bring you a new one
tomorrow, okay?
Cravensworth!
Born to travel
Far and wide
It's not the life fit
for a bride
'Cause he's a traveling man
Since then, I've found out
there's a indie band
also called Jackie Daytona
operating in Texas.
I listened to their music,
and I'm pretty confident
there's no conflict.
And I have to say this,
'cause someone called
Mark from Clearance told me to.
There's lots of places
to see that's new
When you're a traveling man
Traveling man
Whoa, a traveling man.
Captioned by
Spirits, uncloak yourselves.
- There's no such thing as ghosts.
- Okay. Here we go again.
- [warbling]
- [groaning sound]
I think someone summoned
a breakfast burrito.
[up-tempo music plays]
VOCALISTS: Hey!
MAN: This is your station.
But what am I actually
doing here?
I'm not gonna tell you.
Don't worry.
You're gonna figure it out.
MAN: I had no idea
what I would find
when I went searching
for my father.
They flashed the Zodiac Killer,
and my heart stopped.
WOMAN: He believes
he is the son of the Zodiac.
WOMAN: It was 1969.
I was pregnant and scared.
I signed the affidavit
for Roe v. Wade.
She was not the poster girl
that would have been helpful.
What?
- MAN: Born-again Christian.
- Hallelujah!
When you do what we did to
Norma, you lose your soul.
People are shocked
I've never had an abortion.
This is
my deathbed confession.