Whitney s02e06 Episode Script

Bro! Come on.
I don't have health insurance.
What? I covered my mouth.
The sneeze throws out over 100,000 germs at over 90 miles an hour.
You think you can just stop that with your dumb hand? You're scared of germs, but the other night you went home with that girl who was licking salt off the bar.
I didn't kiss her.
Oh, my gosh.
It's so weird.
I can't stop sneezing.
Oh, honey, I hate it when you're sick.
Dude, your eyes are getting really bloodshot.
Give me that weed.
Hey.
Hi! Sorry I'm late.
This bar is never where I think it is.
So, lily and her new guy are on their way.
I think they're really good together.
I'm so single for her.
I-I mean happy for her.
I can't believe I haven't met this guy yet.
What's he like? Okay, well, here's what you need to know.
One, he's not gay.
And that's it.
This is so great.
I mean, this is her first serious relationship since Neal, and for the first time in her life, she's actually taking it slow with a guy.
Oh, actually, there is one other thing.
He has kind of a A speech deal.
Oh, please tell me it's not a lisp, because then I'll start sympathy lith-ping-- Oh, God! Hi! - Everyone, this is Eddie.
- Hi, Eddie! I'm Whitney.
I'm Lily's best friend.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi, I'm mark.
I kissed lily once.
Hey, I'm-- Oh.
I'm R.
J.
And I have pneumonia.
Hi, Eddie.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna go wash my hands.
So, um, so you two met at the zoo? Yeah, Eddie is studying to get his masters in animal behavioral science.
Eh, it sounds Complicated.
- Tell them about the pandas.
- Yes! Tell us about the pandas.
We love pandas, right? - Yeah, adorable.
- Oh, yeah, pandas are the bomb.
I wish I was a panda.
Right now I'm studying, um Eh Obstacles in panda mating, uhumeh rituals.
I think my inner ear thing is back.
I'm getting a delay.
Hey, uh, I'm so sorry, man.
So how'd you two meet at the zoo? Oh, I'll tell you! Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, monkey.
You're the sickest.
I can't believe you were up all night.
Yeah, at least I got a front row seat to your night terrors.
Okay, I went to the market and I got you chicken soup, orange juice, and a thermometer.
Here, open your mouth.
Uh, that doesn't go in my mouth.
Okay, well, then where does it-- - Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay, turn over.
Look, I don't even feel that sick.
I just think it's my allergies.
Okay, okay, here.
Well, then take this allergy medicine.
It's a really pretty color.
Eh, I'm already on too many meds.
No such thing.
Just don't mix nyquil and dayquil, you'll always think it's 4:30.
We just have to figure out what I'm allergic to.
You know, maybe it's dust.
Or the fact that our microwave doesn't close all the way.
Have you been using any new cleaning products? Yeah, that was a pretty stupid question.
Oh honey, here, come on.
I wish I could be sick for you.
I mean, I was gonna spend all day in bed anyway.
God, my head.
Okay, you-- you're scaring me.
You know what, I'm gonna call your doctor.
And you're obviously allergic to something in this apartment, so why don't you go down to mark's and watch TV or something, you know? Isn't this weekend the foot bowl? Foot what? Bowl? Okay, I'm going down to mark's.
Okay.
You know what? Uh, maybe you're allergic to this guitar on the wall.
The one that ruins all my instagram photos and our credibility as a cool couple.
No, you did that when you posted that video of you on the El dancing to Gangnam Style.
Well, now I have to do it.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Come on! Let's go, bears.
Come on, Urlacher! What did we talk about? Is this really who you want to be right now? Hey, man, seriously, can you put, like, a hoodie or something on over that shirt? This is my lucky shirt.
I've had this shirt since sophomore year of college.
I just put on a little weight since I started working at the bar.
It's mostly muscle.
Well, you wearing that may mean the bears win, but I lose.
Do not move from that spot.
We always lose when you wiggle around.
Hey, you know what's weird? It's been like an hour since I sneezed.
It must be something up in my apartment.
It's your right leg over your left leg.
Kill him! Hey.
What's up, Winnie the Pooh? No, no, get out of here.
You're bad luck.
We always lose when you come over.
Go home, you witch! Mark, what happens in this apartment has nothing to do with what's going on at the game.
Fine.
We're gonna lose.
"We"? You mean the professional athletes who have no idea you exist? You don't know how sports works.
Yes, I do.
In high school my nickname was "Homerun.
" Hey, you know what's weird? I haven't sneezed in an hour.
I narrowed it down to what you could be allergic to.
It's either your dandruff shampoo, your baby wipes, or that tiny pillow you put between your knees when you're "Ti-ti.
" Cool, Whit.
Thanks for that.
But it can't be any of those things, because I haven't been using them.
Okay, then you know what? Let's just stay here at mark's tonight, because there is obviously something evil and toxic up in that apartment that is slowly killing you.
I think we know what you're allergic to! This is ridiculous.
You're not allerrgic to me.
I mean, you've had most of my body in your mouth.
- Hey, Alex.
- Hey, Dr.
West.
Dr.
West, this is Whitney.
Hi.
Is he gonna be okay? Well, let's see.
Allergies, huh? What are you allergic to? Her.
I mean, every time she's near me I can't stop sneezing.
How long has this been going on? - A week.
- All right, well, Whitney, have you been using any new perfumes, hair sprays, body glitters? Okay.
I'm not a hooker.
Lily did give me this new lavender oil that I've been using for a week.
I bet that's it.
Okay, you know, what should we do? In my expert medical opinion, stop using that random oil.
Okay, but it's just for this heart thing.
But it's fine.
I'll stop.
What heart thing? Oh, I-I get, like, mini heart attacks.
What? Okay, what exactly are you talking about? You know, how like every now and then your heart stops for, like, 20 seconds? No! Okay, this sounds pretty serious.
Have you ever had any tests done, like an EKG or echocardiogram? - Well, when I was 12-- - Whoa, hold on.
This has been going on since you were 12? Everything's been going on since I was 12.
- Did a doctor see you? - Well My gym teacher said that I had an irregular heartbeat, so he sent me to the school nurse who did something with a machine.
Wait, why did your gym teacher know that your heartbeat was irregular? I don't know.
He just put his hand on my chest and he noticed that-- Oh, no.
Okay, we really should have you take an EKG right away.
And you might want to talk to someone about that other thing, because that sort of thing stays with you, even 30 years later.
Okay! Okay! Okay, 18 years later, sir.
Hey.
- Oh, hi! - Hey! Sorry, Eddie and I couldn't find a spot.
He's parking the car.
Where have you been? I got up this morning, and you weren't there.
I thought you'd been kidnapped or murdered.
And you didn't do anything? I hadn't had my coffee yet.
She spent the night at that dude's house.
- Wha--how did you know? - You smell like a futon.
Well, it was very romantic.
Yeah? Let's see the bruises.
There are no bruises.
Eddie is a gentleman.
Oh.
Missionary.
Girl, you're lazy.
Hi.
Hi! What's up, Eddie? What can I get you? Uh I'mUm Vodka - Rocks? - Yeah.
- Okay, any kind you prefer? - Mm Oh The one from Russia! Can't go wrong with vodka from Russia.
- That's it.
- Uh Wha--what's new at the zoo, Eddie? Oh, actually, I've been trying to get these two pandas to mate.
At first, we tried Lighting candles? Because that--that's my move.
That doesn't work.
You pretend you can't read, and you have her teach you.
No.
Handcuffs.
What? You know, so they can't get away.
What happened to you? And--and when's it gonna happen to me? Music.
- Mm.
- Oh.
Tried music, yeah.
We played The boss? I call that a threesome with America.
Reverend Al Green.
Tori Amos.
It's the zoo, not Lilith fair.
- Mozart.
- Oh.
Actually, if you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna run to the Bathroom! Yeah.
Huh.
- What are you doing? - Huh? What? You're being so rude.
You kept finishing his sentences.
Well He wasn't going to.
Hey, don't worry, Whitney.
They're gonna find your heart.
HeyI have a heart.
My gym teacher said it's right here.
Oh, do you want to feel my pulse? Hey.
So, got the results of the EKG.
- Nailed it! - Well, not quite.
Failed it? The irregular heartbeat is called an arrhythmia.
It's caused by a faulty mitral heart valve.
Wha--what does that mean? One of your valves doesn't quite close all the way.
That sounds really serious.
Well, it can be.
Have you had any more recent tests done since high school? - Uh-- - Come on, think! Okay, uh--yeah! Yeah.
Five years ago, I did go to the free clinic for one of my bigger attacks.
- Whitney! - Whitney! Look, you know what? Don't even tell her any more.
Tell me, all right? I'll handle this from now on.
What's the next step? I'm gonna take a look at her records from five years ago, see if her condition has gotten any worse since then.
If it has, then the situation is serious and we have to have a bigger conversation.
In the meantime, just make sure that she eats right, exercises, and avoids stress.
You should be fine.
I mean, you take good care of yourself, right? Oh, no.
Here, come on in, just relax and give me your jacket.
Just, you know, like, breathe or whatever and just-- - It's fine.
- No, come on, I'm serious.
The doctor told you to avoid stress, so just down and relax.
But you can't watch Dance Moms.
It makes you mad.
Oof.
It makes me so mad.
Huh, all right.
So, do you want some of that soup? There's, like, half a matzah ball left.
Honey, no, no.
I don't need soup.
I'm fine.
Just stop doing things for me.
It's making me nervous.
No, you were taking care of me, and now I'm taking care of you, okay? And when I'm done being terrified about this, I'm gonna be really pissed at you.
I can't believe you never told me about this before.
Babe, because it's not a big deal, and I just-- I didn't want you to worry.
When I get the little heart attacks, I just lay down on the floor in fetal position until they go away.
That's why you're always doing that? I thought you were listening to the downstairs neighbors.
All right, look, I'm gonna go online and I'm gonna find the best heart guy in all of Chicago.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes.
No, no, no, no, no.
No more doctors, okay? Look--come on, look, it's-- my philosophy on this is, if it's really that bad, it's not like they can do anything about it anyway.
So, let's just stop talking about it.
Okay? Oh, I am starving.
I--ooh!--Am going to have a soda.
No.
Oh--what--that's my lunch! Pure sugar and caffeine? Oh, okay, well, don't waste it.
I mean, we could always donate it to a strugglingOlsen.
Whit, this isn't funny.
And you know what? This isn't just about you, okay? If you die, I'll be devastated.
And people will be asking a lot of questions.
I'm not gonna die.
I'm too lazy.
Hey, cut it out.
You and I are a unit now.
When you get sick, it affects me, and when I get sick, it affects you.
When somebody loves you, you know what? You have a responsibility to take care of yourself.
And I love you, okay? What movie is that from? It's not from a movie.
I just thought it.
I love you, too.
I'm--I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to this.
Ever since I met you, I have something to actually live for.
Yeah, well, that's called not being a sociopath.
And starting right now, you're gonna eat healthier, too.
No more jelly beans and marshmallow chickens.
I mean, you eat like the easter bunny.
Half the ingredients in there are colors.
Okay, I-- I love red number five.
And the doctor said you need to exercise.
- Oh, he was kidding.
- Come on, Whitney.
We never do anything, all right? We're so lazy that we somehow found a way when we have sex where we both get on the bottom.
Okay.
- Let's exercise.
- Okay.
Okay! I-- I should be good at this.
I got an "A" in gym class, so Okay, so let's do some jumping jacks.
- Okay.
- Okay.
What--uh, what-- what are you doing? Oh, no! Hey, I'm so sorry.
The bus was late.
Oh, it's cool.
Do you want to go in? It's freezing.
Actually, could we stay out here a sec? I want to talk to you about something.
Oh, okay.
I I want to choose my words very carefully.
Which I love about you, by the way.
I have a pretty big decision to make.
I Okay.
I'm kind of in this place in my life.
You are? Yes.
It's Okay.
No--okay, I get it.
Yeah, I knew this was coming.
This is the point where you don't know if I'm the kind of girl you can commit to.
- Well, that's-- - I know.
I'm a disaster.
I mean, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't have her own place, has hardly any income, and a blog domain that's about to expire, so-- - Lily-- - You don't even have to say it.
I've heard it before.
I mean, how could I possibly be a mother someday given the fact that I am basically a baby who wears heels? Okay, I think maybe we should-- Never talk again.
I know.
That will be easy, actually, 'cause my cell phone is about to be cut off.
And you don't have to worry about me trying to get you back, because in two weeks I will have already thrown myself into another bad relationship with some other weirdo, because I can't be alone! I was actually going to say, I got offered a job at the San Diego zoo.
And I wanted to know if you were interested in the long distance thing or if maybe you, possibly, wanted to come with me.
Yes! Yes, of course, Eddie! I'll go home right now and pack my thing! Yeah But now maybe it's best if Say it.
Say it.
Just say it! I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Wow.
Didn't take long to get that out.
Here it is.
Yeah, here we are.
You know, hopefully it's just a bill.
Wow, never said that before.
Don't worry.
You're gonna be okay.
- Really? - Yeah.
I promise.
We're in this together.
Okay.
Okay, I'm ready.
- Open it.
- You open it.
- You open it! - I don't want to open it.
I'm freaking out.
You said I was gonna be okay.
Okay, well, what else was I gonna say? Fine.
Okay.
Okay, I can't read it without my glasses.
You wear glasses? I'm supposed to.
All right, um, okay.
"Echocardiogram.
Abnormal heartbeat.
" Whoa.
What? Don't tell me.
What? No, there's a note from Dr.
West, and he said your arrhythmia was severe and now it's mild.
You used to have two leaky valves, and now you only have one.
What? So, he's saying my heart has gotten better over the past five years.
Well, I don't see how that's possible.
I've never seen you drink water.
- But you do.
- Me? Yeah, I mean You're the only new thing in my life in the past five years.
So you think that maybe I'm the one that fixed your busted heart? I mean, that is the only explanation.
Before you, I was a mess.
I was balding.
I I couldn't even throw myself down a flight of stairs without getting winded.
Yeah, well, you know I'm glad you feel better, because in the last five years I developed high blood pressure, I'm partially deaf in my left ear, and I lost a lot of money.
It's not lost.
Zappos has most of it.
Ah.
Ugh.
Man, that heart thing was really scary.
Yeah.
You could have lost me.
What would I have done without you? Oh, right.
Whatever I wanted.
Ok, I promise, from now on I will take better care of myself for you.
But you have to promise not to die before me.
Okay, then you have to stop spilling baby oil on the bathroom floor.
Oh.
You know what this whole thing made me realize? What? That I love jelly beans.
I'm telling you, I'm sick.
My glands are swollen.
I've got that post-nasal drip.
Your temperature is normal.
Your blood pressure is normal.
I don't know why you showed me your abs, but those look great, too.
I'm telling you, I'm dizzy.
I'm feeling nauseous.
I'm hot, I'm cold! All right, well, look.
I can run some blood work, but I'll need to see your insurance card first for billing information.
This is gonna sound weird.
But you know what? I am feeling much better.
Must be those *** vitamins.
Thanks, doc.