Wild West (2002) s02e06 Episode Script

(? Humming happily) (TV) .
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Sunny Day is just a bit out the back and he's turning round.
The starter you can hear, - Simon Moran.
- (Crockery rattling) Now Coombe Hill backs away Bit of luck, wasn't it? You hitching up with my lovely friend Angela.
You've got a free flat! Don't! l'm not lovely.
l'm a complete wretch.
Oh, sorry.
Forgot my cup.
Sorry! Sorry.
Archie, try this.
- Do you like that? - Mm.
- You've got a bit there.
- lt's all right.
- l love you.
- (Chuckles) Sorry.
So, worked on the fairground long, have you? Conceived on a helter-skelter, born on a ghost train.
Yeah, country music's got a lot to answer for, hasn't it? So, what, you saw Angela, did you? Sitting in the big fairground teacup, in her lovely dress, and you thought, ''Ooh, there's someone l can suck the living blood out of.
'' Mm.
Can l get you anything, Archie? Taxi to Truro? Cup of steaming bile? Something very sharp to stick up your backflap? Mm.
Don't turn your back on me for too long, mate, cos that's when l'll jump on your head.
(Sniffs) What are you cooking for us then? - Archie's favourite.
- What, candyfloss? Or shameless dosser's pie? - Quorn - Ooh, bloody marvellous.
- .
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folded into a tofu ragu - Ooh, hold me back.
.
.
served on a bed of broccoli.
So, pepperoni pizza it is, then.
Oh, Archie, l got that stain out of your shirt.
- Two teeny requests, Angela.
- Mm, fire away.
One, don't get excited about stains, and two, dump Archie.
What? No.
You've been encouraging me to get a boyfriend ever since we split up.
l have tried to like your ''boyfriend'' but he's scared off my boyfriend, hasn't he? PC Alan doesn't feel comfortable here since Archie gave him that wedgie.
And look at you, you used to be a feisty single girl and he's made you into some dozy lickspittle aprony homemaker! No, he hasn't.
- Food! - Coming, bubsy! - Good morning.
- (Both) Hello.
Just arrived in the museum are actual photographs of a moon rainbow and some lunar cake.
ln tray eight, at the end there.
Oh, thank you! Oh, can l look at yours? - Shouldn't have sex with a goblin.
- (Laughter) No, no sex for me, l haven't got a boyfriend.
- Ahh Oh, that doesn't matter, does it? - Of course not.
No, we hate the way society is completely geared towards couples.
- ls it? - God, yes! Right.
On your way into the museum now.
OK.
Tell you what, this is perfectly reasonable, - l'll give you 50 quid to chuck Archie.
- No! Think of all the stuff you could buy, - all the little knick-knacks - What? - All right, l'll throw in a kitten.
- We are getting married.
Duh! Earth to Ange, you're not! You are just in love with the idea of being in a couple.
OK, he is quite annoying.
l will stop going out with him.
- Thank you.
- lf you stop going out with PC Alan.
No! What's wrong with PC Alan? Well, take away your noisy sex life - please! And what is there between you? lf l can't have a boyfriend nor can you.
- Morning, ladies.
- Morning.
Painkillers for my bastard back and have you got anything for itching? Do you want to itch or to stop itching? - To stop itching.
- Where? - Slightly anxious about your answer.
- Jeff's groin.
- Delightful.
- He sent me.
- Oh, right.
- Have you got anything? No.
They used to have all those adverts about feminine itching, didn't they? - What is that? - lt's just there.
lt's just there.
Hm.
Oh, hey, l was leafing through my old diary here and l see that you and Angela have been working here together for exactly 15 years.
- No? - Really? Yeah.
Here we are.
''Mary and some new girl have taken over the shop.
''They don't know what they're doing.
'' Hey, hey, there's more.
''Lesbians! Lesbians! ''Mary and the new girl in the shop are lesbians, is the gossip.
''NB, if true, ask them what they do exactly.
'' - There's still time to answer.
- No.
(Fruit machine bleeping) - l've got a major problem.
- (Angela) What? l'm going bald.
- Where? - Top of my head.
ln five years my head'll be like a snooker ball.
Not in terms of size.
No.
- lt's my turn now.
- l'm waiting for the big one.
(Bleeping) You all right, Holly? You're a bit quiet.
- Yeah, l feel a bit - Ugly? - No.
- lmmature? - Sexist? - Barren? - Unlovable? - Poorly turned out? - No.
Depressed and lonely.
- Oh, you poor baby.
l'll be OK.
l'll make an arrowroot infusion, that'll do the trick.
Tinkle! Arrowroot infusion? l don't think so.
She'd be better off with a warm batter poultice.
- (Sniggering) - (Angela) Stop it.
(Mary) Yeah, stop it.
lt's a bat in each pocket and jump over a puddle, isn't it? (Screeches) Pentangle! (Laughter) Sprig of hawthorn up the arse.
How can l put this, Holly? lt's all complete rubbish! Quick, make me a potion! My name's Holly and my problem is l'm totally gullible.
Oh, dear.
- Come here, you.
- Oh! - Come here, you.
- No, you come here.
No, you come here.
Seriously, l'm not allowed to leave my desk.
Oh, right, erm l need your help.
We've got to get rid of Archie.
Sorry, l can't condone murder.
The law is crystal clear on this.
No, no, no, not murder! Not murder? OK.
No, Angie says that she will only chuck Archie if l chuck you.
And you said, ''No, he gives my life meaning.
''Without him l'mlike a picnic without a rug.
'' - Yes, l did.
- Good.
- At first.
- What? Then l thought, l could pretend to chuck you.
- Oh.
- You see? - Yeah - Angie would have to chuck Archie.
He's got no other reason to stay so he buggers off back to Devon, whereupon Whereupon, l get it l Do l go to Devon? No.
No, a couple of weeks later we say, ''Ooh, we've changed our minds ''we've realised that our love is, like, huge and enormous, - ''and we're getting back together.
'' - Oh.
OK.
- ls this a bit risky? - Look, Archie is ruining our life.
You don't come round any more because there's no room on the sofa.
When you do he does those walkie-talkie imitations and you fall for it every time! - l do not! - (Hisses) Lima-Echo eighty-niner Excuse me.
Roger that.
(Static) Damn.
All right, you can chuck me but do it nicely.
- Hello! - Hello.
Did l, er, miss anything while l was out doing errands of a completely general and, er totally innocent nature? No.
l think we should have a party to celebrate 15 years in the shop.
- Good idea.
- l'm doing a list.
- You love a list, don't you? - l do.
lf you were in a plummeting aircraft you'd write a quick list.
''Complain to airline.
Make peace with God.
Scream.
'' ls it? - Yeah.
Whereas you would - l would either, er have sex with everyone on the plane.
Oror, Ange, l'd run up into first class and make use of all their jojoba products.
l thought a fancy-dress party.
Everyone comes dressed as you or me! - No.
- OK.
They come as an item we sell in the shop.
You know, ''l'm dressed all in white.
l'm flour!'' - lt needs a little more thought.
- OK.
Oh, erm, by the way l've decided that l will stop going out with PC Alan if you chuck Archie.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- l feel bad now.
- No, don't.
l mean, he's OK, the copper, l justl'll get over it.
(Australian accent) Hi! Two tickets, please.
l've been telling my friend about this place.
She's come over specially.
- Get a life.
- Sorry? - Nothing.
- l've told her about the square of bark which, throughout history, has exerted supernatural powers! - Yeah, right.
- And you've got this rock, the, erm evil stone of Pulwigoleth! Oh, come on! How can a piece of rock be evil? lt's a piece of rock! l mean, God, grow up.
- Your lobster.
- Thanks.
So has some of the shine come off this place for you? Welleveryone's right, it's all twaddle.
You've all been humouring me for years.
No, no.
Well, maybe the odd chuckle.
(Sobbing) l can't believe this, but l don't believe in magic any more.
Oh.
Y-You're just fed up.
(Sighs) - Have a mint.
- No, thank you.
- Chewing gum? - No.
- Suck a Fisherman's Friend? - No, l don't want a Fisherman's Friend! - Banana? - Yes, all right.
(Sighs) l've lost my faith.
l haven't got a boyfriend and everyone else has.
There's a hollowness inside me.
- A hollow what? - Ness.
l've decided to put the witchcraft centre on the market.
Right, concentrate, this is the plan, OK? We're gonna go in there and l'm gonna start on about how useless you are.
- Should l start? - No, cos l'm chucking you.
Couldn't l chuck you? Go on.
l've never done it before.
No, because the deal is, right, that while l'm chucking you Ange is simultaneously chucking Archie.
This relationship is on its last legs, no word of a lie, unless you buck your ideas up! - All right? Yeah.
- Mr King.
- (Whispers) Oh, l see.
- Yes.
So you don't want me to slam my pint down and say something like, ''Listen up, we're not developing as a couple, Mary! ''l need somebody who understands me as a policeman!'' - That's no good.
- No? No! We're in trouble if she sells the witchcraft centre.
lt's a major draw for visitors.
- lt's like Disney World, isn't it? - We have to cheer Holly up and make her stay.
- Shall l sleep with her? - No, that'll hurry her on her way.
We have to show her that witchcraft works.
- No, l will not listen to you.
- Why not? Because our relationship has broken down irretrievably.
Whose fault is that? lt's not my fault.
Listen up.
We're not developing as a couple, Mary.
l need someone who understands me as a policeman.
(Whispers) No, l am chucking you.
l am chucking you.
So let's just call it a day, shall we? And just stop going out together.
- OK.
- Right.
So that's us then, is it? - Splitting up.
- Yup.
Right.
(Whispers) Now you leave.
- l fancy a pint - Leave.
(Sighs) (TV) .
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glad when today's over.
- Archie, l've got something to tell you.
- Can you? Yeah, all right.
- Archie, look me in the eye.
- OK - That's my chest.
- OK.
Look me in the eye and tell me you're happy in this relationship.
- Which eye? - Either! - l'm happy in this relationship.
- You're not, are you? - Yeah.
- Not really.
- Yeah, l am.
- Well, l don't care.
l want us to stop seeing each other.
- But l love you.
- That's not my problem.
You're the best girlfriend l ever had.
Oh, stop it! OKbefore you go, tell me why.
- (Knock at door) - (Holly) Closed! Go to a proper museum! Oh, hello.
We're not well so we've come for some remedies.
- Yeah.
- We've tried everything.
Nothing works.
Conventional medicine has let us down.
We need an alternative remedy.
No leeches, mind.
- (Harry) Or hot coals.
- l'm not drinking anybody's urine.
Apart from that, up for anything.
Boys, l appreciate what you're doing but it won't work.
Shut up and fix us up something.
- There's nothing wrong with you.
- There is.
l got a rash up my groin.
And l'm prepared to show you.
My hair's falling out.
Back pain.
l'm at war with my own spine.
St Gweep's finest doctors are baffled.
That's a week's worth of my hair.
You could stuff a cushion with that.
Tell me about my face.
What do you like about it? - lt's great.
- More specifically.
- Everything.
- And my personality? (Mary) How did he take it, Ange? Did he weep like a baby? (Laughs) Did you get it on video? Oh, no.
- Chuck him! - l'm doing it! There you go, Archie.
(Sobs) How am l gonna live? You'll find somewhere new.
(Sobbing) (Gasping) (Yells) Oh, don't pretend that hurt! (Moaning) (Yelling) Aah! (Clattering) (Archie groans) Yeah! lt's a very sad day for both of us, isn't it, Ange? (Whispers) Yeah, very sad.
l hear you're having a party to celebrate 15 years here.
Yeah, it's fancy dress.
Come as a famous Cornish person.
- Are there many? - No.
We may have to widen it to famous people who have probably visited Cornwall.
- Morning, Doug.
- Hiya.
- All right? - Have you heard? Mary's back on the singles market.
Joining me and Tara Tompkinson-thing.
Yes, it's very sad but me and PC Alan are going our separate ways.
- You were hopelessly mismatched.
- Well We were all amazed when you started going out.
l had to lean against some furniture.
Cradle snatching of the worst order.
He wants a nice girl without a history of lesbianism.
Someone lithe.
- l'm alive! - Lithe.
You know, all bendy andslim.
Steady on, boys.
You know what they say.
Never criticise an ex.
You never knowl might wanna go back with him.
- No.
- That'd be foolish.
An ex-lover's like a firework.
once you've lit it and walked away, never go back.
- Not without asbestos gloves.
- Wise words.
Hey, Jakey, show Doug that remedy you got from Holly.
Oh.
We're encouraging Holly to stay in the village to show her that her magic potions and whatnot work.
- You're not gonna use it though? - God, no.
- What's that floating in it? - Oh, God.
You know what? The boys were ribbing me today about how unsuitable me and PC Alan were for each other.
The biggest mismatch since McDonald's tried to put porridge in a bun, apparently.
We were all right togetherweren't we? How important is it that your friends approve of your lovers? Not very, is it? ls it? Not very, is it? Well, you know, askask yourself this, who will last longer, friends or lovers? You know, l mean, lovers come and go, often literally, but your friends, well, they go on forever.
Yeah.
Afternoon.
Lovely day for it.
- Er, excuse me - Er Shaun Way, which is left.
Erm See that road there? Go up there.
Or you can take the long way Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
How are we today? - Fine.
- Yeah, lovely, thanks.
Yeah.
l'm sorry to hear about you two splitting up.
Ah.
Well, we have a saying in the Cornish police, ''lzzy wizzy, let's get busy.
'' Which l take to mean, don't fret unnecessarily, just get on with your life, however shitty it is.
- Are you seeing anyone new yet? - No, l'm keeping my options open.
- Sorry to hear about your boyfriend.
- Oh, well.
ln fact, what are you doing tonight? So, Archie's gone away according to plan, has he? l don't mean ''plan'', obviously.
There was no plan.
- lt just happened.
- Can l have a word with you? Oh, no! She's gonna chuck me again.
Not my week, is it? - Er, this isn't gonna be easy.
- l know.
l am the horniest constable in south Cornwall, and there's a lot of competition.
How long till we can tell 'em we're back together? Ermer, we're not gonna tell 'em.
So how will they know? We're not gonna get back together.
- l think l misheard you.
- l'm sorry but we're not gonna go out together any more, ever.
ls Angela watching your lips moving? No.
- OK.
- Excuse me, policeman? Where is the nearest public convenience? Go in the sea.
- l did enjoy going out with you though.
- Yeah.
(Chuckles nervously) lt was nice.
Thanks.
Come to the party tomorrow night though, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hey, feel this, feel this.
- What? Feel that.
- That is 100% hairy, isn't it? - Yes.
- lt wasn't a few days ago.
- Here, here, feel this.
Can you stop making me feel things? Thanks.
l've got the back of a man half my age.
Sadly, thefront of a man twice my age.
He was doing handstands earlier.
Kept falling on his head.
Yep.
(Chuckles) So concussion, but his back is great.
So witchcraft really does work! Obviously it works, it didn't just spring up yesterday, you know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So you're into it again, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
You look horribly cheerful.
What happened? - Oh, l just snapped out of it.
- Evening.
- Oh! - (Chuckles) Oh, sorry.
Oh, well, two out of three isn't bad.
At least it's cleared up from the groin.
Wanna look? - (All) No! - Mercy! No, no! Hello.
- Might l just - (All chattering) - Shut up! - (Silence) Right.
OK.
Welcome.
Now Angela and me aren't going to get all misty-eyed about life in St Gweep and the last 15 years because most of it has been a complete nightmare.
Yeah, everything smells of fish and it's a three hour drive to the cinema! - Whatever that is! - (Silence) Thank you, Angela.
lt would be wrong of me to, erm, single out any one of you for individual praise and thanks especially as l judge people not by their friendliness or kindness but by exactly how much they spend in my shop.
Which places you, Jake, at the bottom of the list.
- Right on, Jake.
- And that brings me on to Angela.
Yes, mood swings like a pub sign in a hurricane, yes, dresses like a trifle, but do you know what? She's OK.
- Praise indeed.
- (Shop bell) - Here he is.
- (Laughter) - Apologies for lateness.
- Shush now.
- Shush.
That's it.
- ls nobody else in fancy dress? No, none of us could be bothered.
OK, and (Clears throat) spare a thought, please, for PC Alan here, or King Arthur, is it? He's a much misunderstood young man, he's very loveable and he's the very devil between the sheets.
(Men laugh lewdly) Actually, no, l have to come clean here, l agree that it would be more appropriate for our relationship if PC Alan were a little bit older, perhaps not a policeman and as bright as me, but the fact is l care very much for him and if loving him is wrong then l don't wanna be right.
So, l would like to say proudly and publicly, here and now, PC Alan, please will you go out with me again? That is very kind but l'm afraid l'm now going out with Holly.
Yes.
(Mutters) Bloody hell.
OK! Right, well, look, here's to you both.
Long may it last, eh? Yeah.
Here's to you.
Yeah.
Lovely, isn't it? Cheers.
Cheers.
- Ohh! - Oh, prawns.
That's good.
Bring on the prawns, isn't it? (Laughter) What's that, is that a moon rainbow? Mm.
Nice.
We should get Holly out here to talk us through it.
l'm sorry about PC Alan.
Don't you worry about that.
l mean, Holly's all right but she hasn't got what l've got, has she? - Large breasts.
- Experience.
Good local knowledge.
And a vicious, ruthless streak which means if l want a man l get him.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yes.
Or a woman, of course.
l'm not choosy.
(Raucous cheering inside) Nice to have an elegant dinner party.
Yeah.
So here's to the next 15 years.
Has Doris Leggo got her top off again? Er, no, not yet.
- Shall we take it off for her? - Yeah.