Workaholics s02e06 Episode Script

We've been spotted! The prisoner should be right over this wall.
I'm gonna go ahead and make a grand entrance.
I'm Lieutenant Blazer from the U.
S.
Special Forces.
I'm here to rescue you.
This is completely against military protocol Girls shouldn't be allowed to play if they're gonna cry.
Hey guys.
This is Sigourney Beaver.
She is not a sex doll, she's a real doll.
I'm told she was on set of Alien: Resurrection.
I have a certificate, so Not a sex doll.
All I'm saying is that you don't charge the mound on a girl.
What if you pop one of her things? There's no crying in softball.
She's not a sex doll.
I love that hat.
Why, thank you.
They gave it to me 'cause I'm the top sales gun of the month.
It's like an honor that they bestow upon just one guy a month.
I thought you bought that at 7/11? Yeah.
Well, I kind of did with all the earnings that I'm making as Top Gun, so think before you speak.
- Eew.
- Ugh.
Okay.
Good morning, everyone.
You're probably Okay, you're probably wondering why Jillian looks like an overgrown rug rat.
How's it going? Well, my college gal pal Rachael is actually product manager for one of our favorite clients, Fuzzy Onesies.
And I thought it would be a real treat to send her a staff photo of all of you guys wearing her adult pajamas.
- Oh, you go girl! Okay, so everyone has a pair of pajamas at their desks so we'll just fit this in at lunch.
- Okay.
- What? - Lunch? - Lunch.
No.
But that's when I read magazines.
When am I gonna have time to read magazines? - Come on.
- God.
Okay.
You know what, we are doing this Because it's cute, it's fun, and if you don'tOh, God.
I'm just gonna have to swallow that.
Okay, you know what, I'm done.
I can't take it.
I'm going home.
If any of you have any questions or concerns, Jillian is gonna be my eyes and my ears for the rest of the day.
So just let her know, and she'll give me a call.
Don't you fuck dare call me.
All right.
Wait, you're leaving her in charge, not me? Okay, Anders.
Just please worry about yourself, please.
Don't worry about anything.
Go home and you rice, all right? That stands for rest, ice, coffee, explosion.
- Shut up, Jillian.
- All right.
Alice, feel better.
Take it sleazy.
That's the thing I'm saying nowTake it sleazy.
I like it, yeah.
As your newly appointed leader, our first order Wait guys, don't leave yet.
No.
Wait, we haven't figured out the pajama thing.
Waymond, you stay right there.
Get thatNo.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's a hat.
Hey, guys, do you mind getting back to your desk and make it a successful work day? Ooh! One more toss and that's it.
Okay, maybe not a beer, maybe paper work.
Hey, Jet Set, oh.
Uh, so I was thinking maybe we should do the group photo soon.
Suck my dick.
Be gone.
Hey, Blake, be honest.
What is it about me that no one respects? Is it my hair? Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting a new haircut, changing stuff up.
Maybe getting like an Arnie Schwarzenegger, Jingle All The Way type of haircut? You know, short, tall and stiff.
Kind of like how I like my men.
Oh.
Oh, I literally almost puked.
That's right.
Work parties.
Kind of makes you wish Alice was sick forever.
Or that Jillian was in charge as well also.
Jillian's not in charge.
If anybody should be in charge, it should be the Top Gun over here.
I mean, why would she send me to that leadership conference to see Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger speak? Well, she didn't send you.
Right, but I went anyway.
I showed initiative.
I can't believe you are such a dick hole and didn't invite me to see Rudy, he's my hero; the way he carried Frodo up that mountain.
I didn't see Sean Astin, the actor.
I saw Rudy.
Like the real Rudy.
He dead-lifted 350 right in front of us.
Oh.
I'm here.
Getting that perp.
Got that perp on.
Howdy, guys.
You smelt those burgers, huh? Yeah.
I got a couple of toppings for the burgers, raided some lunches.
Dude, check this out.
Waymond only eats gummy worms.
All right.
Anyways, I thought maybe we could throw a couple on my burger, do it ninja turtle style.
Let's do it.
- You're the best.
- Let's do it.
Thanks.
- Oh! - Jeez.
Babe, we can't hear you, babe.
- We can't hear you.
- We can't hear you, though.
What? We can't hear you.
I couldn't hear you guys either.
But what was I saying was I thought I could count on you boys, but nope, you have to go fool me with the sex dummy in the swivel chair routine.
It takes a dummy to fool a dummy, dummy! Well, at least I'm not pumping a plastic bitch, you pervs.
- Okay.
- Gross! She's not a bitch, she's a real doll.
She's a real friend to me.
I'm sorry, I didn't know she was your friend.
It's likeI thought I told you to get rid of that thing.
It's breeding ground for bacteria.
Is it? Get off my back about it, Ders, I washed her.
You did.
.
like when how many days did you ago did wash it? Yeah, no.
I just threw her in the dishwasher, put it on, like, the heavy pot scrubbing mode.
Okay.
That's disgusting.
I'm like itching already just thinking about it.
Ders, she's not a sex doll because none of us are having sex with it.
Sex is a pretty relative term, like, what is sex, you know.
Guys, can you please set a good example and go back to work, please? I hate telling people what to do.
It makes me anxious and I get all sweaty and then I get all body conscious.
How bad is it? How bad is it? Scale of one to soaked.
Not good.
Guys, no.
Not in the office.
It's not classy.
Hey! Get backOkay.
Who did that? Hillbillies.
Well, well, well.
All right.
Listen up, you minimum-waged lowlifes! Gather round to see the freak show.
So Alice got an email from corporate that says that she's supposed to fire four people this week due to their recent performance.
What? That's right.
Four of you are getting the chop.
So if you wanna keep your jobs, you might wanna go get on those pajamas.
First of all, you can't just be firing people, Jillian.
You ain't even the boss.
Uh-oh.
Are you out of your mind? Where are you going? Where are you going, Jillian? Jillian, don't be closing the door in my face, woman! Shoot, shoot, shoot.
Oh, God.
Oh, what have I done? - Come on.
- Oh, stop it! It's fine.
I got everything under control.
Really? Everything's under control? Jet Set's up here shoving thumbs up butts.
Jet Set, stop it! Let these papa smurfs in.
We'll put some red pants on this situation.
Well, when you put it like that Come on.
Ow.
Who did that? Help.
- No.
- Ow.
Careful.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Okay.
- Stop, you monster.
- Hey! That was just violent for no reason.
Okay.
That was full penetration.
I feel violated.
I didn't know what happened, really.
I justI wanted them to respect me and then they went crazy.
And to make matters worse, I can't find my uncrustables and my butthole is sweating like it's getting paid to.
Okay.
All right.
Here's the deal.
We need to go calm the herd ASAP, right? How are we gonna do that? We're gonna go tell the people that are fired that they're fired.
Donald Trump these fools.
You're terminated! Once they hear that news, everybody will relax, they'll go back to work, we'll be good to glow.
People are gonna hate me if I fire them.
It'sot that hard.
I mean give me the list, and I'll Schindler those fools right now.
Nah.
I don't think you want to say that, actually.
That so inappropriate.
I never saw the movie.
It's a tearjerker.
Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson.
They have a whole list that they need to Schindler - before they die.
- Yes.
Right.
That's Bucket List.
Okay, guys, corporate hasn't even sent me the names yet.
And besides that, I've been fired from a lot of jobs before All right.
You know what? This is why I should've been left in charge 'cause all the stuff out there wouldn't be happening right now 'cause I'm a born leader.
All right? I'd be out there commanding people, they'd be listening to me and they'd be doing everything I want them to do.
What's the problem with your face? It's the onesie.
It's giving me hives.
It's like this synthetic wool or something.
Jillian, I think this is gonna be good for you.
Yeah, we might have a major breakthrough.
Damn! You are just like really sweating.
Ooh.
- You're armpits are unreal.
- Are theyThey got worse? They might be.
How about we get her some fresh air.
All right, we just got to figure out how to get past these psychos.
All right.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh, you're getting laid with that thing.
Get back! Let's just go.
Don't wanna have sex you.
Yes.
You do.
'Cause you're nasty.
Okay, sweetie, I want you to just smile, be calm, and just say it.
Be a cold-blooded robot, Jillian.
No fear.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're Say it! I can't.
Her face is too sad.
Come on.
It's just it's a real doll.
It's Blake's friend.
Do you realize that the United States is on life support right now? Watch your mou, bro.
My dad says that international economic competition is heating up because the United States is getting too fat and too lazy.
My dad says we think we deserve jobs.
My dad says we don't.
Does your dad ever fire people? My dad has fired over 200 people this fiscal year alone.
You wanna know why? Because he's trying to save this country.
Are you crying right now? No, I'm not crying.
Are you all right? It's the onesie.
It's burning my eyes.
Stop! Wanna hug? I'm going to flush my eyes out.
Deal with this.
Okay.
I got an idea.
What of we do like a little scrimmage? Adam, you be the firee That doesn't make much sense, kinda the Top Gun.
And I will be the firer, okay.
And no matter what this guy says or throws my way, you know, I'll just power through and I'll fire the guy, okay? It's real easy.
Are you ready? - I'm ready.
- Okay.
Let's get to it.
Adam, I'm sorry to say this, but we got to let you go, bud.
You're firing me? I work here for 60 years building this company from the ground up, and you firing me? Sorry, dude.
I ain't going out like no bitch, you bitch.
Anders, you heard anything? I can't lose my job, you understand? I ain't going back to substitute teaching.
Montez, my eyes are burning right now.
Come on.
You kids got no shame, no decency.
Thanks for this apron, man.
You got a .
44 magnum pointed at your head.
What the fuck are you doing? You fire me, I'll kill you and everybody in here.
Oh, do what he says, Blake.
You really think I'm that stupid? What are you talking about? Check the gun, hotshot.
Very clever.
Very clever.
You take the bullets out of my gun.
Yeah.
But let's see if you can take the bullets out of this butterfly knife.
Jillian, go ahead and give this guy a cigarette, 'cause I'm about to light him up.
Are those sunglasses? - Yeah, sunglasses.
- Cool.
For my flamethrower.
No, no.
- You're fired.
- No! You're so fired.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! And he's fired.
- And I'm fired.
- And he's fired.
- That was very informative.
- Thank you.
And a wonderful performance.
All the names came in.
Oh, here we go, baby.
Who's gettin' chopped? Jillian-style.
Okay.
Clint.
- Uh-hmm, yes.
- Yeah.
- Garth.
- That makes sense.
Lois.
Oh, the big stink.
Oh.
- And Adam.
- Hmm? Who? Demamp.
Oh.
I'mI'm confused.
Wait, I'm fired? No.
Good.
You're going to be fired.
Fuck! You gotta, you gotta be fresh Fuck! Me! Jillian, how many times have I saved your life, hmm? I don't know six? Never! And in never will now because I thought we were work friends and then you fire me.
And then you fire me like a cold-blooded robot.
You're like, "yeah, you're fired!" I was just doing what you told me to do.
Since when have you listened to me? I just talk.
I just talk to hear myself think.
Nobody actually listens to me.
Hey, you know, I'm just here talking and Why the fuck are there no Reese's pieces? Okay, Adam You suck Reese's pieces.
Hey, you are stress-eating.
Gimme the chips.
Plain potato chips, really? You can have one more.
Now were closing this.
Unreal.
Come on.
I'm sure this is all just a big mistake.
Let's just relax.
Let's calm our jets.
My jets are calm.
Besides, Alice is the only one that can fire me.
So I'm not going anywhere until I hear it come from her sweet, pursed lips.
Okay.
This is exactly what I didn't want to happen.
I'm wearing a Top Gun hat, for God sakes.
If I get fired today, I'm gonna look like an idiot.
And this hat's bad ass.
It is.
I love it.
You should fire some other dummy.
- Oh.
- Wait.
Did you just I have to go to rest room.
I have an idea.
Oh.
Uh oh, yes.
Great.
Oh, got it.
Who's there? Hello.
Is someone there? Listen, I'm armed and I've got aids, so it's not worth it.
What? Okay, what the hell is going on here? Oh, Allison.
Hey, listen, these these onesies.
They're making me break out.
I can't really see anything.
I got to go to the hospital.
See, I just got a call from Montez.
Says that Jillian is going around firing people.
Well, yeah.
She is.
And you know what? Rudy says, "when you leave the third string kicker in the quarterback's position, someone's gonna get sacked.
" Okay.
Just shut up and follow me.
I want to know what's going on.
Okay.
Would you take my hand actually? Hey, Alice, hold up.
What? One thing right quick.
What's up? Adam, get down from there right now.
I don't have to listen to anything you have to say for the rest of my life, which is about to end because you fired me, Alice.
So hear me, world, 'cause these are my last words.
If you take anything from Adam "The Top Gun" Demamp's life, take this.
Take it sleazy.
And I'm out.
Write that down.
"Take it sleazy and I'm out" are my last words.
And I'm killing myself.
What the hell does any of that even mean? Take it sleazy! Oh, no! Oh, Adam! Oh, no! Why would he this is your fault! You should've put me in charge.
Hey.
It's a dummy, you blind idiot.
Wait, what? What you have seen here was not real.
This was a demonstration of what strange turns life can take when the powers that be make dumb decisions Stupid decisions.
Dumb decision? - Stupid decisions.
- Stupid decisions.
So put your fears aside, for Adam is alive.
Hey.
I justI just wanted them to listen to me so I told them about the terminations.
I get those emails all the time from corporate when they're trying to trim the fat and everyone has been on that list, even you.
But you know what? I never follow through with it.
Do you wanna know why? Yeah, I wanna know why.
Because emails don't run this office.
I do.
You're the best in the biz and I love you.
But going through your bossy shit.
Ya don't do that.
That's kind of a law that exists here on earth with us humans.
So I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to clean out your desk.
What? I'm fired because of some stupid earth law? Ow.
Super man It's just doesn't right, you know.
Jillian can't be fired.
That's like egregious or something.
That's an American word, right? Egregious.
I don't know, actually.
I just think it might be German.
Egregious.
It's like we're losing one of the team here, man.
I know, she's like our air bud, golden receiver.
I was thinking more of our Rudy.
Hey, Alice.
I guess this is it.
I got all my stuff, so.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry it had to end this way.
No.
No.
Okay, look she is fired, okay? There is nothing you can say or do about it.
Please don't do any more stuff.
Alice, we know Jillian suffers from a ton of quirks, but this is the U.
S.
A.
"Characters welcome" is our country's motto.
Yes, she's a horrible leader.
Yeah.
She's the worst we've all ever seen.
Horrible.
You should've left me in charge.
That said, she means a whole heck of a lot to this company.
So if you fire her, you fire us.
Okay, you know what, Anders, you're supposed to be the responsible one here.
Okay, why don't you act like it? I believe that I am.
I believe that I am.
Let's go, come on.
Unbelievable.
You're gonna eat this later.
Fine, you know what? If you want her, you can have her.
All right, I don't have time to train a new person anyway.
Yes! Yes! Fuck yeah! Fuck yes! Fuck yeah! Heck, yeah.
Just get the hell out of my office now.
All right.
Hey, why don't we Why don't we go take that group photo now? All right.
- Okay.
- Let's do it.
You said we were turning in the onesies 'cause the photo was cancelled You lied to us.
Sh-sh-sh-shut up.
Hey, Alice, I promise next time, I'm your gal.
You can count on me.
Your armpits are a disaster.
Go switch tops and then get me a cup of coffee and a neti pot.
I'm not some coffee wench.
I'm a business woman.
A force to be reckoned with.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God! Is Sigourney done with her bath? She's got a big picture to take.
Oh, man, she's smells so good.
Oh, my God.
It smells terrible, Blake.