Xena: Warrior Princess s02e06 Episode Script

She’ll make a great Queen one day as you will, very soon, Diana.
Papa, please don’t talk like that.
You’re gonna get better; I know it.
You must be strong.
I fear my time is very near, and it’s important that the transition between my rule and yours go smoothly.
I’m ready to do whatever’s needed of me.
I’ve sent for Xena.
In difficult times like these, it’s good to have mighty friends close at hand.
And who’s mightier than Xena? I was the one chosen to fight Callisto because if there’s anyone mightier than Xena, it’s Joxer the Magnificent.
So, I challenged Callisto to pit her strength against mine.
She was a little hesitant at first understandably.
But then she came at me.
And I parried, dodged, dodged, thrust, parried, parried! And I spun around to, to Hi, Gaby.
Go ahead I’d love to hear the rest.
To, call Xena to dispatch the villaness, which she did while I held off the other members of Callisto’s gang.
You know, I don’t remember it that way.
Well, that’s because you were tied up at the time.
So were you.
What are you doing here? I heard that King Lias was dying, and he sent fo Xena.
So I thought I might be of some help.
I don’t think so, but I’ll be sure to ask her when I see her.
I already talked to her.
She’s heading to the castle.
She told me to give her a little time to settle in, and that I should follow.
What are you talking about? Xena’s in Thebes.
The message she sent to me said that she wouldn’t be her till tomorrow.
Wrong! She was here an hour ago.
Now, how could she get here so fast? I don’t know.
But she was definitely here.
I guess I better hurry up to catch up with her.
Yeah, and tell her not to worry.
I could tell when we parted company this morning, that she was gonna miss my affections.
What’d you do that for? That’s Xena’s reputation you’re playing with.
And that’s going too far.
So anyway, there I was, on the parapet.
Xena.
Diana.
Welcome.
Thank you for coming.
We didn’t expect you so soon.
Well, I made good time.
I want you to meet Agis, He was once the advisor to King Cabnus of Thebes.
I trust him completely He’ll be a great help to us all in these difficult times If Xena trusts you, I trust you.
Welcome, sir.
I’m honored, your Highness.
How’s the King? He’s not well, Xena.
Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear that.
We’ll get through this together.
Hello, Princess.
Gabrielle, welcome.
I’ll have rooms prepared for you all.
Guard, stay with Xena.
Her commands are to be obeyed as though they came from the King himself.
Yes, your Highness.
We need to work on communication here.
I thought you said we were gonna meet at the tavern tomorrow And what hapened with Joxer to make him think you were in love with him? You have to watch what you say to this guy.
He’s a little crazy.
He had this whole bar thinking you were some kind of low-life tramp.
Guard! Throw this big-mouthed idiot in the dungeon! Big-mouthed idiot? Xena, Xena, Xena! Ain’t you ever heard of knockin?.
Hey, that’s no way to treat a Warrior Princess.
Let me remind you of reality, Meg.
You’re a filthy tramp that I fished out of the gutter because you look like Xena and Diana.
You’re useful to me only if you’re a convincing thespian.
You never said nothing about no kinky stuff.
Besides, I pulled it off so far today.
Oh, not quite.
You ordered Xena’s best friend thrown into a dungeon.
that the irritating blonde? I can’t see how Xena can put up with her.
Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.
Yes, you will.
Because you’re going to do exactly what I say.
Fine.
This place is nice.
But I bet Diana has a real comfy set-up.
When do I get to be her? When it’s apporpriate to make the switch very soon.
I want you acting as the Princess when Lias dies.
That way you can turn the control of the army over to me right away.
Once I have command of the army, I can launch an attack on Miridias and sell their citizens into slavery.
And that will only be the beginning of a series of conquests.
Hey, Aggie, come here! Look what the round thing does.
A chakram is a weapon, not a toy.
Well, what kind of damage would a cheap wooden thing do anyway? Ah, look, you broke it! Fix it, put it back on your belt, and leave it there! You need to visit Xena’s little friend.
Big-mouthed idiot.
Maybe it’s a code.
Maybe it means something.
Maybe, I’m gonna kill her.
Open up.
You had better have a pretty good explanation for this.
Gabrielle, it’s all part of the plan.
Well, will you tell me what the plan is? Can’t.
Oh, so I’m just supposed to accept being thrown into a dungeon, and you won’t tell me what the plan is? Gabrielle, have you ever had burning splinters shoved under your fingernails? No.
I thought as much.
You see, the man we’re after is known to extract information using that method.
So the less you know, the safer you’ll be.
If he captures me, he doesn’t know that I don’t know anything.
He’s still going to put splinters under my fingernails.
All the more reason why you should stay here.
You’re less likely to fall into his clutches that way.
I can take care of myself! Now why are you treating me like a kid? I thought we were passed that.
Well, we’re not and, don’t try to contact Diana You’ll only put her in danger.
She’ll stay quiet.
Good.
Hey, Aggie.
My name’s Agis.
Well, what do we do when the real Xena gets here? She won’t.
There she is.
How’s about you and me have some fun,? No, thanks.
Oh, so now you’re playing hard to get.
Have you seen a young woman, carrying a staff, about this high? She left yesterday.
But there’s no reason why you should be lonely, when there’s healthy young men like us around.
Give us a kiss.
There she is! Give me something strong.
Well, I take it you’re not looking for a kiss.
No, I want your heart.
You’re not my type.
So, Xena, how’s about that kiss, huh? The name’s Xena; that’s Xena with a capital Z.
Are you all right? Yes.
I was,I was just practicing my new punch.
I’m only gonna say this one more time: I’m a close personal friend of Xena’s.
Listen, road block, step aside! You’re not getting into this castle So, be smart and walk away while you still can.
You still don’t know who you’re dealing with, do you? - Don’t make me hurt you.
- Oh! Guard It’s all right He’s with me.
You’re a very lucky man.
Come in.
Have a seat.
What’s the matter? Listen, Xena, I’ve been thinking a lot about something Gabrielle said to me.
What did that little brat say? No, listen, Xena, I’ve been sullying your reputation around town.
What are you talking about? Listen, Xena, I told a bar-room full of guys how intimate you and I got! Well, there’s nothing wrong with a little publicity.
A little pub, no, no, Xena.
Listen.
Listen! I I don’t deserve you as a lover.
You’re kidding, right? Look, don’t listen to anything Gabrielle says I’m seriously considering having her executed.
What? No, no, listen, listen! I’m wrecking one of the great friendships! Now, OK, OK, one of us has to be strong and it’s Listen, so I’ll be outside your window, should you need my sword at your service.
I need your sword in my service right now.
Sword, service Yes, Look! What am I,nuts, going in there?! What a lovely man.
OK, OK.
Be strong.
Wow.
Be strong.
You’re Joxer.
You’re Joxer the Magnificent.
You’re Joxer.
You’re lost.
Oh, this is madness.
Do you really think a different dress will weaken my manly resolve? You’re right.
Xena’s kind of unpredictable, isn’t she? You’re telling me.
How’d she get out here? Diana, we have a real problem, here.
I was attacked in a tavern by a band of thugs Someone who obviously didn’t want me to get here.
Someone who wanted to take advantage of the king’s illness.
- We have to - Xena! I just came from seeing my father.
He’s slipping away.
Can’t we talk about this later? Sure, I’ll talk to Philemon about making the castle secure.
I’ll be here if you need me.
Hey, Aggie I thought you said she wasn’t gonna make it to the party.
Obviously, something went wrong.
Well, you’d better be careful; she looks tough.
How’d you like the tears? Nice touch, You know what to do with her.
Wait a minute.
So, Diana and Xena are exact look alikes? Right! Oh, great! I insulted royalty.
I’m in big trouble.
But on the bright side, Xena still has a thing for me.
impossible! No offense, Joxer, but you’re just not her type.
She was certainy making do with my type.
Let me tell you what we did in that tavern.
She gave me this.
That ain’t all.
Ah- no! That’s not necessary.
I wish I knew what was wrong with her.
Well, it’s simple, really.
She was struck by Cupid’s arrow.
It’s love, Gabrielle.
But, don’t worry, I’m prepared to do the honorable thing.
Leave? No, Marry her, We could all travel around together.
Xena and I could be like a father and mother to you.
Guards! Please! Please! Please! I’ve got to get out of here! Xena told me all about the plan.
What is the plan? Can’t say, but, uh, you’ll have to stay here.
And she also explained that little misunderstanding between you and I.
Forgive me, you’re Highness I’m lower than rat droppings.
Oh, of course.
It was just an honest mistake.
Now, come with me.
Eh! Sorry, remember the plan? Um, what is the plan? I’ll tell you out here.
Oh, good.
You’re gonna tell Joxer, but you’re not gonna tell me? Xena’s orders.
She’s very fond of him, you know? Uh, wait, what’s the plan? That’s the plan? What do you think? Good plan.
Your Highness Your Highness, it is time for the baby’s nap.
Now, you know how she can’t drift off unless you sing a lullabye to her.
All right, all right.
Just, go on up to the nursery and I’ll catch up with you there.
Wait for me in my room; I won’t be long.
If one of those bottles should happen to fall, If one of those bottles should happen to fall You’re mad, you devil.
Oh, Joxer, why should you deny yourself to these needy women? Joxer? What are you doing here? I hate to tell you this, Xena, but All right, I might as well spit it out.
Princess Diana wants me.
She what? Listen, I can see the pain on your face but really, there’s plenty of me to go around.
And um, there’s no reason why we can’t be adults about this and have a little fun.
Are you suicidal? Oh, don’t worry, Xena.
I got just what you need, and plenty of it, too.
You got some explaining to do and you can start by telling me where Gabrielle is.
In the dungeon, where you put her! What? What’s the gripe, Aggie? I’ve done everything just like you said.
And more try staying away from that clown, Joxer.
I think he’s cute.
You better not mess this up.
Look who’s talking.
What does that mean? You were supposed to keep the real Xena away from here.
Last time I looked, she was making herself quite at home.
You should hire better people, Aggie.
Don’t you talk to me that way.
A despiccable slag like you should find it an honor to work with a man like me.
And my name is Agis, not Aggie.
Take it easy now, Agis.
And you’re gonna do exactly like I say from now on,correct? Exactly.
Good.
Well, don’t just stand there move it! Come on, Warrior Princess.
Take that! Ow, ah! I know what the plan is: You’re trying to drive me insane! Let’s go.
Now, wait a minute.
OK, I believe you when you say that there’s another look-alike here.
That would explain everything.
But how do I know that you’re the real Xena? Yeah, how do we know you’re the real Xena? Hello, Xena.
Boy,am I glad to see you.
Let’s split up and search the castle they may have hidden Diana here.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait How am I supposed to know who the real Diana is? Well, if you come across a woman, and she looks exactly like me, and she displays any interest in you whatsoever as a man, that’s the bad one.
She is bad, real bad.
Alcibiades.
Meg? Yeah, of course, it’s me.
Look what I found.
We found her snooping around.
Agis wants you to take her to the same place you’re hiding Diana.
And that way we’ll have two cards to play against Xena.
All right, hand me the rope.
Hey, I wanna come too.
Xena’s figured this whole thing out I don’t want to be around her any more.
I’m terrified of that warrior witch.
And you know, maybe if you take me along, then we can relax a little later on.
Ah, sorry had to make sure you weren’t Xena.
Bring her along.
Hey, boys! All right! How’re you doing, Princess? Not well.
I’ll probably be dead soon.
Why’s that? Well, I’ve been sitting on this cold ground almost the entire day Who could survive that? A cold bottom isn’t fatal.
Says you.
No, but if I have to listen to you two blabber any more, somebody’s gonna end up seriously dead.
Hey, boys, let’s toy with the brat a while.
If we can put Meg on the throne, we will control the most powerful army in Boecia.
Conquests you never dreamed of are in our grasp.
And you lead Xena directly to our hideout.
What are we going to do about Xena? Now, that she has Diana, there’s nothing stopping her from coming after you.
There’s still one card left to play.
My baby! They took my baby! This chamber is known only to the royal family.
Good.
I want you and Philemon to stay here until we can find your baby.
You can’t expect me just to wait down here, when my child’s life is in danger.
Your life is in danger, too.
Philemon, I am asking you to have faith in me.
This plan is our only way to save your child.
Then we’ll stay down here.
Philemon, we have to trust Xena now.
She’s our only hope.
Gabrielle, I want you to find Meg and keep her in one place - I’ll do the rest.
- right Got you, sweety! Oh! Hi, Xena.
Sorry, Joxer just a habit.
That’s OK.
I’ve been keeping an eye out for you for the fake Diana.
Her name’s Meg.
Meg, huh? That’s a pretty name.
You’re not falling for her, are you? Well, I’ve seen a different side of her.
I bet you have.
Hey, listen, I think she’s just a victim of circumstance.
She’ll be a victim of some more circumstances when I get my hands on her.
And don’t bother keeping an eye on her anymore.
I’ve got Gabrielle on that.
Oh, you think she can do a better job than I can.
This is not a competition.
You think that I’m a complete joke, don’t you? Princess, may I talk to you, please? Can’t it wait? No, it can’t.
a little more cleavage couldn’t hurt.
Get out of my way.
Over my dead body.
That can be arranged.
Eat some fruit, baby! Mercy, mercy, please.
Tears are no good with me! Look at you looking down at me.
Ah, that’s all right.
I’m used to it.
Snotty brats like you always hate girls like me.
What do you expect with what you’ve been doing? What was I supposed to do? Agis said that he’d kill me if I didn’t do everything he said.
I suppose none of this is your fault, is it? I didn’t say that.
It’s all my fault.
My whole stinkin’ life’s my fault.
You know, I shouldn’t feel for you, but you just, you look so much like my best friend.
Me I don’t want your pity.
I’ve been on my own since I was 10 years old.
I’m tougher inside than you’ll ever be.
Since you were 10? My father died in childbirth.
Your father died in childbirth.
he got drunk and fell off the roof when I was being born.
I always wondered what it would be like to have a father.
Bet you had a good father.
I, I guess I did.
But what about your mother? One of her boyfriends liked me too much.
So I ran away from home.
And then I found out the next year that, that she had died and, and I was real sorry that I hadn’t gone back to say goodbye.
She was a rotten mother, you know? She was fun.
Anyways, I loved her.
God, I hate it when I get like this.
This is not a party! Will you get that into your head while it’s still attached to your shoulders?! Now that Diana’s on the loose, there’s only one thing to do.
What’s that? Kill the King.
You can’t assume the throne until he’s dead.
As long as we have the baby, Diana and Xena won’t do anything.
Lias is still surrounded by loyal palace guards.
I want you to take him some poison.
- No.
- What? No, I mean, uh, poison is too slow.
You can never be sure if it’s going to do the job.
I should-- I should stab him.
I could hide the knife under the baby’s blanket and pretend I was taking the little tyke to see the old buzzard.
That’s good I like that.
Go get the baby.
Are you all right? No.
Why haven’t you been to see me? Sorry, father, I’ve been bothered by some things.
Well, nothing can give the last few days of my life more worth than to be able to comfort you.
I don’t think you’d understand.
Ah, my sweet, we’ve always shared our hopes, our dreams,our pains.
Don’t draw away from me now.
If your soul has been darkened, let my love bring some light to you.
Here it is.
Hah! Xena! Let’s take the baby! Get the baby out of here.
The baby! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, oh! Hey Meg! He thinks you’re Xena.
Kill the idiot! No! No, no! I brought your sword.
Come on, idiot! The name’s Joxer.
Come on! This way! It’s quicker! What are you doing? It’s me, Meg.
Then prove it; kill him.
Do it! Go on! Do it! You heard me.
Kill him, you slag! Do it! No, and neither will you.
How dare you? Xena! Duck! Missed me! Missed me again! Well You’re not my daughter, are you? Not officially.
You’re not Xena, either.
No.
Amazing.
You’re on your own now, Pops.
Your little friend just kicked my butt.
What chance do you think I stand against you? Why don’t you just kill me? Go on, get it over and done with.
No, because I want you to stay here and take care of the king.
No.
No, see, you must not have been paying attention.
I’m no good.
You got the king to safety, I saw you.
well that was my one good deed for the year.
Believe me, you don’t want to be leaving anybody’s life in my hands.
I’m a low-life.
I don’t care what you’ve done in your past.
Do good now and you are good.
Lock the door behind me when I leave, and cover him up.
A chill now could kill him.
You look so like my daughter; it’s remarkable.
Yes, three women who look so much alike, and yet inside, so different.
One’s a warrior, and one’s a Princess.
One’s a tramp.
Wait, no! And then I lived in Athens for a while.
I actually did some honest work there.
I was a cook.
And you know, I have quite a touch when it comes to spices.
You like spicy foods, Kingy? King Lias? King Lias! Put a rope up on that chandelier! Tie the basket.
Hold it right there! I’m coming to get that baby.
And anyone who tries to stop me is going to eat my sword.
But wait! I still have my round killing thing.
It’s Diana! Get her.
Run that basket up on the rope! Just give me back my baby and then you can go in peace! Tie it off.
Now, we’ll see if she gives us what we need.
Hold it, right there! In the blink of an eye I can split the skull of anyone who moves with my trusty shamrock.
Grab her; it’s Meg! Guess which one I am.
Give me that.
What’s going on? Stay down.
I’m glad that’s over.
Gab, the baby! Hey, Princess! I just came from seeing your father.
Which one are you? I’m Xena.
Diana? Oh, Papa! I sure hope he pulls through.
He’s a good man.
I might even write him from jail If I knew how to write.
Well, if it were up to me, I’d give you another chance.
I’d set you free.
you’re a softy.
He’s going to be fine; he may live on for years, yet.
Meg, he wants to talk to you.
They told me about the plot you were mixed up in.
You were right.
You’ve done some very bad things.
Well, I told you; I’m trash.
Stop it.
I don’t ever want to hear anyone say things like that about my personal cook.
You’re not kidding me, are you, Kingy? Not at all.
Oh, by the way, I do like spices.
Well, I’m about as spicy as you can get! Thanks, King Lias.
I won’t let you down.
So, so long Xena.
Goodbye, Meg.
It was fun being you for a while.
Just don’t do it again in a hurry.
Hey, Meg! Learn to read so I can write to you.
maybe I’ll just do that.
Get, get going, get going.
Well, um, so long, Meg.
So long, Joxer.
Ditch the broads and double back I’ll leave the kitchen door open for you.
Right.
Hey, Xena, Gabrielle, wait up! I, Listen! I got some things to, attend to.
Fine.
So, I won’t be able to join you.
That’s OK.
You sure? ‘Cause I know how much you need a real warrior to watch your back, you know? Joxer, she won’t wait forever.