You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s02e06 Episode Script
Stranger in the Night
1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? (George, echoing) You're lazy.
Lazy, shiftless and idle.
Bone idle.
All you do is wear flashy clothes, play golf and chase servant girls.
Either you go to work or you marry Madge Cartwright.
No! No! Teddy bear! - No! - Teddy bear! Come to my arms, Teddy bear! Come to my arms! Come to bed! Come to bed! - Come to bed! Come! - Oh, no! Anything but that! l must get rid of Madge Cartwright.
Where are the two Chinamen? You want two Chinamen? l am one Chinaman.
l amanother Chinaman.
Get rid of Madge Cartwright! Get rid of Madge Cartwright! OK, boss.
Teddy bear! Teddy bear! Come to bed! Teddy! Teddy bear! Teddy! Come to Madge Cartwright got rid of.
Prisoner at the bar, stand up to be sentenced.
The honourable Edward Meldrum, you have been found guilty of the terrible crime of kidnapping Madge Cartwright and being bone idle.
You are sentenced to 50 years' hard labour, testing rubber goods at the Union Jack Rubber Company.
l didn't do it! lt was these bally Chinamen! We are bally innocent Chinamen.
Of course you are.
Not only that, you're working class.
Not guilty.
Take him down.
No! No! No! No! l don't know how to work! l just wear flashy clothes, play golf and chase servant girls.
You will test 1,000 invalid cushions per day or you'll get no bread or water.
Blow the air in.
Push the air out.
Blow the air in.
Push the air out.
Blow the air in.
Push the air out.
- l can't do it! - ln! Out! ln! Out! ln! Out! Get them off! Get them off! Off! Off! Get them off! Get them off! - (Teddy) Off! - What's going on? - It's UncIe Teddy.
- What is happening? - It's coming from UncIe Teddy's room.
- Oh, good heavens.
- Teddy? - Off! Get them off! Who have you got in there with you? Off! Get them off! - Off! Get them off! - It's aII right! AII right, I'II bIow it up! There's no need to beat me! Oh! Oh! - What's happening? - You had a nightmare, UncIe Teddy.
Oh, gosh! I had a nightmare! George, I had a nightmare! Oh, Mr Teddy Mr Teddy! My God! It's stiII going on! Mr Teddy, was it about the war? No! I had to go to work! M'Iord, if you'II show me where he hid the girI, James and I wiII get her out.
It's aII right, Stokes.
Mr Teddy was having a nightmare.
Oh, poor Mr Teddy.
WouId you Iike a cup of tea? - Oh, yes, pIease, a cup of tea.
- India or China? - Oh, no, no, not China! - It's aII right.
It's over.
It's over.
Right, back to bed, everybody.
Sorry you've been disturbed.
- (Man) Is everything aII right up there? - Who's that? - I think it's ConstabIe WiIson, sir.
- Oh, Iord (WiIson) Oh, it's you, Your Lordship.
Is everything aII right? Yes, thank you, ConstabIe.
I heard a voice yeIIing, ''Get 'em off!'' - It was my brother.
- Ah, I thought that's who it was.
- He was having a nightmare.
- Oh, I see.
WeII, that's aII right, then.
Good night.
Back to bed, everybody.
I dreamt I was back at the factory.
You wouIdn't do that to me, wouId you? Of course not, Teddy, just so Iong as you marry Madge Cartwright.
But she was part of the nightmare! Have a nice cup of tea.
You'II feeI better.
I gave him his tea, but he was asIeep, so I Ieft it on the side.
I'm gIad somebody's getting some sIeep.
Does he reaIise we have to be up at the crack of dawn to get their breakfast? When he was a boy, he used to have nightmares.
PersonaIIy, I bIame the cheese.
I make it a ruIe never to eat GorgonzoIa after eight o'cIock.
We never have GorgonzoIa in the house! Nasty, smeIIy, foreign stuff.
You don't go in for cheeses, do you? No.
8, they have a cheese board you wouIdn't beIieve.
Her cherry cake isn't up to much, but she can order cheese.
I expect you'II want to get back to your beat, ConstabIe.
I'd have been at the station haIf an hour ago, but I thought I saw somebody in your drive, then I heard Mr Teddy's voice, so I thought I'd investigate.
- Good night, aII.
- (AII) Good night.
See you in the morning.
WiII it be kippers? Very IikeIy.
I had some at No.
4 yesterday.
They were aII bones.
WeII, I'm off.
We've stiII got a coupIe of hours before we start another day.
You going to count sheep, Mrs Lipton? If I count anything, Henry, it'II be the money certain peopIe owe me.
- Who is it owes her money? - She Ient me haIf a crown Iast week.
- She never stops going on about it.
- HaIf a crown? I couId buy 15 chocoIate cream bars with that.
Make me sick of course.
Mind you, it wouId be worth it.
She Ient you haIf a crown! £7 4 you owe her, which you obtained by Iies and deceit! What a mathematicaI brain you have, James TweIvetrees.
Oh, don't start.
Dad'II pay Mrs Lipton back.
- Won't you, Dad? - Of course I wiII.
- And he's toId her he won't marry her.
- We've no proof of that.
The way she's going on, he must have said something.
- Is there another cup in the pot, Ivy? - Just about.
WeII one more fag and I'm off to bed.
- God, I hate these Egyptian cigarettes.
- Then why do you smoke them? Because his Iordship is out of Virginia.
That reminds me, I must order more.
Fancy one? I've never taken anything that didn't beIong to me in aII my time in service.
- He's the most honourabIe man I've met.
- Thank you, Ivy.
It isn't easy to keep on the straight and narrow these days, is it Mr TweIvetrees? It was the way you was brought up, wasn't it? Did you say your father was a Iay preacher? - Yes.
- WeII, is that a sort of a vicar? Yes, something Iike that.
- You toId me he was a church warden.
- No, you're mistaken, AIf.
Knowing nothing of Church matters, I doubt you'd know the difference.
I beg your pardon, Your HoIiness.
I expect it was his exampIe that made you reIigious.
Very IikeIy.
When I stood next to him in church on Sunday, I couId feeI sanctity oozing out of him.
You're ever so sanctimonious, aren't you? You haven't got the right word there, Ivy.
If you ask me, you're trying to Iive in a worId that doesn't exist.
AII the more reason to maintain the moraI standards I was taught from boyhood - truth, IoyaIty and thrift.
WeII, you're doing aII right with thrift.
You're as mean as muck.
- Good night, Ivy.
- Good night, Dad.
See you in the morning.
I wish you and my dad got on a bit better.
He's not a bad sort at heart.
What do you mean, ''Not a bad sort''? I know he's your father, Ivy, but if you and I hadn't covered up for him time after time, he'd be behind bars! WeII, he's had a hard Iife.
- What's your mother Iike, Ivy? - Oh, she's IoveIy.
She Iooks Iike me, except she doesn't wear gIasses, her nose turns up and she's got grey hair.
Oh, but she's got IoveIy teeth.
She saved up two years for them.
- Have you any brothers and sisters? - No, just me.
They were ever so poor.
They couIdn't even afford a photographer at the wedding.
There's not one picture in the house.
You'd hardIy think they had a wedding at aII.
WeII, I'd better wash these cups or Mrs Lipton wiII give me what for.
Oh! There's somebody outside in the garden! - Where? - He just ran by.
He's round the back.
The constabIe said he saw someone in the drive! What are we going to do? (Knock on door) Don't answer! It might be a burgIar! CaIm down, Ivy.
BurgIars do not come to the back door and knock.
I'II be here in case you need heIp.
- Dad! - Jim.
Let me in, quick.
I had to wait tiII that copper had gone.
I'm on the run, Jim.
You've got to hide me.
Are you aIone? - Ah! - Ah! - Who's this? - Good evening.
Ivythis is my father.
Oh, the preacher! Oh, h How do you do? - Now, Iook, Dad - Ah! Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
I must sit down.
My heart's pIaying up again.
Oh, that's better.
- ShaII I put the kettIe on? - (James) Yes, Ivy.
Haven't you got anything stronger? - There's a drop of beer.
- That'II do.
Have you got any grub? - There's a pork pie in the pantry.
- LoveIy.
- Hang on.
I'II get you a gIass.
- Don't bother.
- I'II get a knife and fork.
- It's aII right.
I can manage.
Oh, I don't want to put anyone to any troubIe.
- Have you come far? - Birmingham.
Oh, were you preaching there? What's she on about? Sit down.
Now then, Iet me give it to you straight.
I need you to fix me up with a biIIet whiIe the heat's on.
Like I toId you, I'm on the run.
Has he run aII the way from Birmingham? - No, you see - What is it this time? I have been straight, Jim.
Four years, I've been straight.
- WeII, since I did that Iast bit of porridge.
- Is he a cook as weII? See, I was short of cash, Jim, desperate for money, and then the boys said they'd give me a monkey to drive the getaway car.
A monkey? Yeah.
It was a warehouse job they was doing.
WeII, you see, the aIarm went off and Harry You know, one-eyed Harry, he Iost his nerve, puIIed out a shooter.
- A gun?! - I never knew he had it.
Straight up.
Straight up what? Anyway, he fired one shot, and thank God, he missed.
Now, as you know, I don'tI don't hoId with shooters, so I took to my heeIs and ran.
They nicked two of them.
Now, the rest are after me for Ieaving them in the Iurch, and thethe Rozzers are after me an' aII.
I'm in a right pickIe, son.
But you can't stay here! You wouIdn't turn your own fIesh and bIood out on the street? That's aII very weII, Dad.
I've got a good job.
I've worked hard for it.
I don't want anything to do with this! J, my IittIe boy, you're the onIy one I've got to turn to.
Look, justjust hide me for a few days, and then heIp me get out of the country.
Excuse me.
Where did you put the monkey? Ivy Now, Iisten, Ivy, I've kept this secret aII my Iife.
My father's been in and out of troubIe ever since I can remember.
- Do you mean he's not a preacher? - No.
He's a burgIar.
A burgIar? How awfuI! He's not even a proper burgIar! He just gets in with the wrong peopIe and gets Ied astray.
He's weak but he's never been in this sort of troubIe, not armed robbery.
Why doesn't he go to the poIice? He didn't do any shooting.
One-eyed Harry did that, and he missed.
ProbabIy cos he's onIy got one eye.
You don't know the Iaw, Ivy.
If one uses a gun, they're aII up for armed robbery.
He'd be Iucky to get ten years' hard Iabour.
- Oh, no.
- What am I going to do? - Hide him.
- I can't do that! He's your dad.
You've got to! - But where? - Take him up to your room.
No one goes in there except me when I cIean.
- We can sneak food up to him.
- But he can't stay there forever.
- Dad'II know what to do.
- I don't want him to know.
- I couIdn't take the humiIiation.
- What eIse can we do? Oh, I don't know.
I need time to think.
Get him upstairs.
We'II decide in the morning.
Jim where's the toiIet? Outside.
- It's down there on the right.
- Thank you, son.
Mr TweIvetrees, I'm stiII worried about that monkey.
- More toast, Miss Poppy? - Oh, yes, pIease.
I'm hungry as a hunter.
Butter it for me, pIease, James, and take the butter to the edge.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
- Good morning, Your Lordship.
- Morning, James.
- Your Times, sir.
- Thank you.
Morning, Daddy.
I've never seen you Iate for breakfast.
I couIdn't get to sIeep after that ridicuIous business Iast night.
Poor UncIe Teddy.
It's your fauIt.
You shouId never have made him work for his Iiving.
Why shouIdn't he? I work for my Iiving.
Daddy, you onIy go into the City one day a week.
UntiI Iast year, I used to go in much more.
Three days a week.
However often it was, business is booming, especiaIIy the Union Jack Rubber Company.
Because Marie Stopes said your products work.
As I keep teIIing you, Poppy, that's onIy one of our Iines.
I'm fed up with peopIe making cheap jokes about it.
- Morning, Teddy.
- Morning, George.
You're Iooking very bright, considering.
That nightmare gave me an absoIuteIy wonderfuI idea for a new invention that's going to make me oodIes of cash.
- Oh, reaIIy? What is it? - I'm not going to teII you.
WeII, that's the end of that conversation.
As soon as I perfect it, I'II seII it to the highest bidder.
I'm sure the business worId wiII be agog.
James, you spiIt coffee in my saucer! I can't drink coffee if it's in the saucer! - It'II drip on my dressing gown.
- I'm sorry, sir.
I shouId baIIy weII think so.
I've never known your hand to trembIe.
What's the matter? Yes, and he's broken my toast.
You're not usuaIIy cIumsy Iike that.
I'II obtain some more, miss, and a cIean cup, sir.
Oh, Ivy, I can't go on.
I'm so jumpy.
Go in and see to the famiIy.
- WeII, how's your dad? - He had the bed.
I sIept on the fIoor.
- He was stiII asIeep when I Ieft.
- Oh, poor souI.
He was tired out.
- I'II go up and see if he's aII right.
- Oh, good morning, Lady Lavender.
Oh, EtheI, I've had another note from Captain DoIby.
I think I'm going to eIope.
What was that about? She keeps finding Ietters from her boyfriend 40 years ago and thinks he's just sent them.
See to the famiIy, Ivy.
What was aII that commotion during the night? Was the house being attacked by hostiIe tribesmen? No, Lavender.
We don't get hostiIe tribesmen down this street.
They stay the other side of the Thames.
Croydon.
- Are you aII right, Dad? - Yeah.
Rotten Iumpy bed they given you.
It's better than the fIoor.
Put that cigarette out.
If Mrs Lipton smeIIs that, it'II give us away.
- Have you got any grub? - I'II bring some as soon as I can.
I can smeII bacon.
Bacon wouId go down a fair treat.
- I'II do my best.
- I don't want it swimming in grease.
You'II have what I can get.
ChurchiII's putting thruppence on income tax.
That'II make it four shiIIings in the pound.
The man's a fooI.
He'II never amount to anything.
I mean, Iook at that mess he made at BaIacIava.
That was Omdurman, Lavender, and we won.
WeII, he was wearing a BaIacIava.
Morning, famiIy.
Sorry I'm Iate.
Cissy, I can't have you sitting down to breakfast with aII that on.
- She does it to show off.
- I do not show off.
I'm onIy having coffee.
I ate at the aerodrome with the instructors.
- But you've got your Iicence.
- Steve's teaching me to Ioop the Ioop.
I wish you wouIdn't do that.
FIying is dangerous enough the right way up.
You just shove the stick forward and wait tiII the wind's shrieking through your stays, then puII back and over you go.
You wear stays under aII that? Wear a frock tomorrow night.
We've got the bishop coming with three cronies.
Daddy, why do you keep inviting these boring bishops to dinner? Because your father wants to be on the board of the BBC as a governor.
- How do the bishops heIp? - They know the other boring governors.
Excuse me, my Iord.
This arrived by speciaI messenger from the factory.
It's addressed to Mr Edward.
Oh! Good-o.
I rang up for it earIy this morning.
CouIdn't you have had them wrap it? The neighbours probabIy think it's for me.
What do you want that for? Are you having troubIe sitting? I'm not going to teII you.
When I perfect my invention, you'II be Iaughing on the other side of your face.
The sooner he marries Madge Cartwright and gets his own pIace the better.
(WhistIing cheerfuIIy) (Coughing) You aII right, Jim? - (Coughing) - Jim? That's aII the breakfast things, MabeI.
If I had my way, I'd pass a Iaw against eating kippers in the morning.
It turns my stomach.
Don't grumbIe, MabeI.
You get weII paid.
There's three sIices of bacon and an egg.
I can't take a pIate upstairs.
Someone wiII see.
Here's a coupIe of sIices of bread.
Put it in that.
Oh, and here's some peanuts for the monkey.
- Ivy, there is no monkey.
- What have you done with it? A monkey is £500.
Oh, never! Ah, a nice IittIe sandwich.
- FeeIing a bit peckish, are you, James? - I was I was just making it for MabeI.
Did I hear my name mentioned? Mr TweIvetrees has made you a nice sandwich.
WeII, I never.
What is it? Three sIices of bacon and a fried egg.
You can take it home.
I'm not taking it anywhere.
I'm eating it here.
I was just passing your room, James, and I heard a coughing.
I expect it was the pigeons.
There's ever so much smoke about.
- Drop it, Ivy.
I went into the room.
- How? It was Iocked! AII the Iocks upstairs are the same.
I've met him.
I've taIked to him, and I know what's going on.
Oh, no.
You aIways were a hypocrite, James TweIvetrees.
You and your strict upbringing.
Truth, IoyaIty and thrift? And aII that guff you gave us about your father being a Iay preacher? He's a sniveIIing IittIe tea Ieaf! Oh, no! AII right.
I'm gIad it's out in the open.
AII my Iife, I hated what my father stood for.
I was aIways afraid it might come out in me.
Because he was so weak, I had to be twice as strong.
I couIdn't aIIow myseIf the smaIIest fauIt.
WeII, it's over.
The poIice wiII catch him, and if they don't, his own gang wiII.
He'II go to prison.
I'II be disgraced and I'II have to Ieave here.
Oh, no, you won't.
We're aII one famiIy down here.
If you're in troubIe, we're aII in troubIe.
We'II sort this out between us.
If the poIice are after him and the gangs are after him, what chance has he got? I wouIdn't Iike to be in your dad's shoes.
I've seen what them gangs can do.
At Ieast he'd be safe in the hands of the poIice.
- I reckon he shouId give himseIf up.
- And spend ten years in Dartmoor? WeII, sureIy if a fine, upstanding man Iike James spoke up for him, it wouId heIp, him being his onIy son.
And what happens to James after that? Supposing he gets the sack? Who's going to empIoy a convict's son? Why shouId Mr TweIvetrees suffer just because of his father? It's not fair.
The whoIe worId's not fair, Ivy, especiaIIy to the Iikes of us.
Oh, them upstairs wouId wheedIe their way out of it, but if you're working cIass, you're guiIty before you get in the dock.
We've got to get him out of the country.
But how can we do that? I know how to do it.
There's a pub down the docks.
It's run by a paI of mine.
He gets aII sorts in there.
SaiIors and captains and the Iike.
They come off banana boats, grain ships and tankers and they go everywhere.
It won't be hard to get him a boat but there's one snag.
They don't do it for nothing.
WeII, I've got six pounds in the post office.
- We'II need a bit more than that, Ivy.
- How much do you reckon? CouId be up to £50.
Maybe more.
I've got it! SeII the monkey.
Ivy WeII, you said it was worth £500.
I couId ask his Iordship for three months' wages in advance.
- That wouId come to £7/10.
- I'd heIp, but I need every penny.
I expect Mrs Lipton's got a bit tucked away.
What I've got tucked away, Henry, is no concern of yours.
Mind you, if I had aII the money that is owed to me by certain peopIe, it wouId be a different matter.
But as it is, I think he shouId give himseIf up.
I know he's James's father, but honesty is the best poIicy.
That's crueI, Mrs Lipton! You have to be crueI to be kind, Ivy.
You've gone very quiet, James.
I was doing a sum.
I don't need heIp.
I've got enough.
I'II go there tonight and see what I can sort out.
Put the kettIe on, Mrs Lipton.
Thanks, Dad.
(Loud parp) - HeIIo, George.
- Not now, Teddy.
I'm busy.
- Are you aII right, Teddy? - Yes, perfectIy.
Now, George, how wouId you Iike to make a Iot of money? - I've aIready got a Iot of money.
- You said you couId never have enough.
Did I? WeII, I was quite right.
I'II teII you what I'II do.
As you're my brother, I'II Iet you have it for £1 ,000 and sixpence on every one you seII.
- What are you babbIing on about? - It's my invention.
- Oh, the one you wouIdn't teII me about? - I'm teIIing you about it now.
- Good.
WeII, go ahead.
- Come over here.
- Can't you teII me here? - No.
Sit here.
Oh, reaIIy, Teddy! I've got a Iot of work to attend to.
Now, sit down.
(Parp) - What on earth was that? - What do you think it was? I'm asking you.
George, if you were in a crowded room and you heard that, what wouId you think? I'd think, er - I'd think, er - PreciseIy.
- You'd roar with Iaughter.
- I most certainIy wouId not.
I'd do the gentIemanIy thing and pretend I hadn't heard it.
You oId stick-in-the-mud! If you had a sense of humour, you'd go, ''Ha-ha-ha!'' - No, I wouIdn't.
- Get up.
Let me show you.
(Parp) (Parp) (Parp) It'II make us a fortune, George! PeopIe wiII buy it for a joke.
They'II put it under their cushions, other peopIe wiII sit on it and everyone aII over the worId wiII go, ''Ha-ha-ha!'' I shaII caII it the ha-ha-ha cushion.
I think it's absoIuteIy ridicuIous.
The pubIic Iove that sort of humour, and you couId put it on the market.
It's bad enough seIIing what we do seII without seIIing that.
Does that mean you're turning me down? Teddy, you have no idea of business.
And you're a pompous oId fuddy-duddy.
I shaII seII it to your rivaIs, I shaII make a fortune, and I shan't give you a penny.
(Parp) (Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
- I've got monkey nuts for the parrot.
- Don't give them to him.
- But you asked for them.
- He's been very rude.
He feII asIeep when I was reading him Winnie The Pooh.
Excuse me, my Iady, but what are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? - Why do peopIe tie sheets together? - I don't know.
So they can cIimb down them and eIope.
I'm going to eIope with Captain DoIby.
Stand aside.
You're onIy going to eIope as far as the room beIow.
- Get me some more sheets! - Yes, Lady Lavender.
I must say, Mrs Lipton, this is the nicest duck I've tasted in a Iong time.
That cook at No.
6, Mrs Cooper, she can't do a duck to save her Iife.
I toId the butIer to get rid of her.
I've tried aII the houses, and I can say you are the best cook in the street.
Oh, thank you, ConstabIe WiIson.
I'm sorry Mr Stokes is not here.
With a deIicate fIavour Iike this, a Burgundy wouId be better than aIe.
- He's off.
He'II be back soon.
- It's aII fixed up.
I saw the captain I've erI've seen the captain and he says it's aII right for Henry to pIay in goaI.
Oh, and I've erI've seen your sergeant going by on his bike.
Do you think he's Iooking for you? I shouIdn't think so, but I'd better go aII the same.
- Good night, aII.
- (AII) Good night.
Where's mine? Didn't you put it in the oven? Oh, I forgot aII about it.
Oh, we must be getting oId, Mr Stokes.
I forget about food, you forget about money.
We're a right pair, aren't we? The constabIe Ieft a Ieg and a bit of breast.
I suppose that'II have to do.
- How did you get on? - It's aII fixed up.
There's a banana boat going to VenezueIa tomorrow.
We have to get him on board by haIf one.
- Where's VenezueIa? - South America.
- How much? - Forty quid.
- HaIf by dinner and the rest on board.
- How wiII we get him there? Jim and I wiII run him down on the gardener's motorbike and sidecar.
There's a party for those church peopIe.
Last time they came, they stayed forever! They'II go by midnight.
That's soon enough.
I'II get the money first thing.
I gave your dad the duck.
He said the skin was soggy.
What impertinence! You heard what the constabIe said, James.
I'm the best cook in the street.
He said your Lyonnaise potatoes were too oniony.
Any more from him and I'II WeII, I'II turn him in.
Oh, Henry, Mr Stokes has seen the captain, and it's aII right for you to pIay in goaI.
What are you taIking about? I made that up, Ivy, because the constabIe was there.
Oh, I see! You're not pIaying in goaI.
Have you fixed him up, then? Yeah.
He's on a banana boat tomorrow for South America.
He'II be upset about that.
He was counting on the Mauritania to New York.
Oh, and he said, can you run him a nice hot bath with some bath saIts? I'II have a word with him.
I can't drink aIe with Mrs Lipton's duck.
It's sacriIege.
I'II go and get a nice bottIe of Richebourg.
- AIf? - Yes? Thanks for what you're doing for me.
I've condemned you in the past, but now I'm in troubIe, it's good to know I've got someone I can reIy on.
Perhaps it's taught you one thing - when you're in troubIe, turn to your own cIass for heIp.
Perhaps you're right.
Now, you sing The Red FIag whiIe I get a bottIe of wine out of his Iordship's ceIIar.
(Knock on door) - You rang, Miss Cissy? - Yes, Ivy.
- It is James's room above mine, isn't it? - Yes, miss.
I've been hearing strange noises aII day.
I expect it was Mr TweIvetrees doing his exercises.
It can't be him.
I heard it when he was downstairs.
There's been a Iot of coughing too.
What's going on? Has he got someone up there? I don't think so, miss.
Come on, Ivy.
You're hopeIess at Iying.
Look me in the eye.
You know something, don't you? - No, miss.
- I shaII have to get Daddy to have a Iook.
Oh! AII right, Miss Cissy, I'II teII you, because you're the onIy one who has any sympathy with us.
You won't Iet on, wiII you? I don't know what you're going to say.
It's Mr TweIvetrees' dad.
He's on the run from the poIice.
I see.
What's he done? WeII, nothing.
WeII, aImost nothing.
They were robbing a warehouse but he ran away.
- Why do the poIice want him? - His friend had a shooter.
Mr TweIvetrees' dad didn't know he had a shooter, and when he saw it, he ran away.
And there's a monkey in it somewhere.
If there's a gun invoIved, it's very serious.
I suppose he couId give himseIf up, but they'd never beIieve him.
That's what Mr Stokes says.
He's arranged for him to escape on a banana boat tomorrow night.
- You won't teII, wiII you? - Of course not, Ivy.
He's just another victim of this rotten sociaI system.
Yes, miss.
- Ivy - Yes, miss? Let me know if I can heIp.
Thank you, miss, but I think Mr Stokes has fixed everything.
If you ask me, Mr Stokes shouId have been back over an hour ago.
You're right.
The pub shut at three and it shouIdn't take over an hour to get here.
It's rough down there.
They couId have robbed him and chucked him in the dock.
- Don't say that! - He has that £20 you gave him.
He couId be tempted.
He's not a thief, Mrs Lipton.
No, Ivy, I'm not saying he is a thief.
I'm saying he couId be tempted.
(Henry) HeIIo, Mr Stokes.
We were just taIking about you.
What's happened to your arm? (SIurring) I, erhad a bit of an accident.
Did they try to rob you and throw you in the dock? - No.
I feII over.
- You're drunk.
I am not drunk.
I had a few whiIe I was negotiating with the captain, and I feII over the step when I was coming out of the pub and I had to go to hospitaI.
- Have you broken it? - No.
It's just a bad strain.
What I aIways say is drink's a good servant but a bad master.
I am not drunk.
I'm not even happy.
You used my money, I suppose? OnIy ten shiIIings.
I gave the rest to the captain.
How are you going to drive with your arm in a sIing? - Jim'II have to do it.
- I can't drive the bike! WeII, I haven't got a Iicence.
Ah, weII, we'II have to go some other time, then.
TypicaI! We get everything arranged and you get drunk and spoiI everything! - More sherry, My Lord? - No.
No, thank you.
WeII, maybe a touch more.
My, my, you have been in the wars, Stokes.
What happened? I had popped into church for a quiet moment of thanksgiving and upon Ieaving, I trapped it in the door.
- Trapped it in the door? You were drunk.
- I was not drunk.
Ah, Poppy.
This is my youngest daughter, Poppy.
- Good evening, CharIes.
- Good evening.
How pretty you Iook! - Now, this is Peter, Bishop of GuiIdford.
- How do you do? DudIey, the Bishop of St Edmundsbury and Ipswich.
- And HaroId, the Bishop of Exeter.
- How do you do? Teddy, have you set a date for the wedding? Teddy here is going to get married.
No.
I'm working on a rather noveI invention.
I don't think CharIes wants to hear about it.
- It sounds interesting.
- Aha! You'II hear about it sooner or Iater.
- Ivy, is everything aII right? - No, miss.
It's been canceIIed.
- Why? - Mr Stokes can't drive the motorcycIe.
Oh, damn! Look, Ivy, I couId drive him in the car.
Oh, wouId you, Miss Cissy? Oh, thank you.
Anything for a bit of excitement.
When has he go to be there? - HaIf past one.
- I'II be ready when the bishops Ieave.
HeIIo, CharIes.
- Dad, it's aII on.
- What do you mean? - Miss Cissy's going to drive you.
- Ivy, I toId you not to teII anyone! I didn't! She found out.
- I'II expIain Iater.
- Ivy Don't worry.
She's on our side.
Oh, and Mrs Lipton says dinner's ready.
- Put the soup in the Iift and puII it up.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Teddy, I'm dying to hear about your invention.
If you reaIIy beIieve in it, you must have faith.
CharIes, you sit there, DudIey there, Peter next to me and HaroId opposite him.
- What are cushions doing on the chairs? - It was Mr Edward's instructions.
(CharIes) Right, who is to say grace? Who's the most senior? Oh, me.
Benedic, nos Domine, et haec tua dona quae de tua Iargitate sumus sumpturi.
- Amen.
- (AII) Amen.
(Chorus of parping) (Long, deep parp) (Laughter) What did I teII you, George? It's the British sense of humour.
I'II make a fortune! (George) Very amusing.
It's time they was Ieaving or they'II miss that boat.
Oh, it's aII wrong.
They're pIaying with fire.
The famiIy's in bed.
Mr Stokes and the rest wiII be Ieaving in a few minutes.
If we're to get there by 1 :30, we'd better get a move on.
(Stokes) Come on, James! I was fast asIeep.
I hate being wakened quickIy.
It gives me a headache.
- I do not Iike boats and I hate bananas! - Come on.
- Come on.
Use the front door.
- What is going on? - That's torn it.
- Go back to bed.
I'II do no such thing.
Who's this rough-Iooking feIIow? - I'm going to fetch Daddy.
- Come back, Poppy.
The rest of you get in the car.
Poppy, come in here.
Oh, heck! It's Lady Lav! She's eIoping! Oh, EtheI, I'm gIad you're here.
I need one more sheet.
Get her down.
She'II wake everybody up.
(Stokes) Grab hoId of her by the knees.
Easy does it.
We've got you.
Let go of the sheet! Oh, Captain DoIby! Why haven't you shaved? - ShaII I take her back to her room? - No, I am not going back to my room! I'm going to eIope with the captain, and you're trying to stop me! No, we're not.
Get her in the car and Iet's take her with us.
- James - Yes, miss? Seeing he's your father, I won't say anything to Daddy, but I expect you to be very attentive to me in the future.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Oh, we are squashed.
Perhaps I'd better sit on your knee, Captain DoIby.
Who is this mad oId bat? Shove him on the fIoor in case the cops see him.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Ah! Hey! - That's a nice way to treat your dad! - Oh, shut up! Right, we're aII ready, Miss Cissy.
Here's that nosy constabIe, Miss Cissy.
Put your foot down! Here, watch out! Where are they going at this time of night? They're taking Lady Lavender to the Kit-Kat CIub.
BIimey! She's a goer, isn't she? (Ivy) Oh, it's ever so rough round here.
Do you think it's safe? Of course it's not.
Stay in the car whiIe I find the captain.
- Stay in the car, miss.
- I'm coming with you.
- Now, Iisten - Remember your pIace, Stokes.
- I am coming with you.
- Very weII, miss, but stay cIose in case there's any bother.
Here, you, where's the captain? I arranged to meet him.
You've brought a girI for him? She's nice.
He Iikes bIondes.
Give us a kiss, darIing.
Oh! Now, go and get your captain.
Miss Cissy's just punched a saiIor! We'd better get over there.
Oh, it's you.
You're Iate.
- Where is he? - He's here.
- Where's he going? - On the boat.
Oh, how romantic! We're going to eIope on a boat.
I thought you said there was onIy one.
- Take no notice.
- Have you got the money? Yes.
Here.
- Come on! Come on! - £20.
- Where's the rest? - You've had the rest.
- He onIy gave me £18.
- You spent two pounds on drink? No wonder you feII over! Give him the two quid and stop beIIyaching.
Right, you, come on board.
- Hang on, where's your passport? - I haven't got a passport.
Why didn't you get me a passport? No passport? That's another tenner.
I haven't got another tenner! What do you mean, coming without enough money? TypicaI.
I have money.
I brought it to pay for the marriage Iicence.
Here you are.
- Goodbye, Dad.
- Eh? Oh.
It's a mucky-Iooking boat.
- I hope it don't sink.
- Look after him.
Don't worry, I shaII put him in a first-cIass cabin.
Why is he going without me? He's going back to join his regiment.
Why? Are the Boers revoIting? ProbabIy.
Come on back to the car.
Just a minute We've forgotten the monkey! Come on, Ivy.
It's me, Ivy.
Sorry I'm so Iate.
I'II have to be short cos it's three in the morning and I've to be up by six.
I'm afraid I've had to teII a few fibs, and I hope you think we've done the right thing about James's dad.
I mean, it wasn't his fauIt his friend shot with a shooter.
Anyway, he's safe and sound now on the high seas.
And some good might come of it aII.
James may not be quite so pompous and my dad might understand that the toffs can be quite nice.
WeII, some of 'em, now and again.
Anyway, thanks very much.
Oh, I stiII don't understand about that monkey, but wherever he is, take care of him.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
Lazy, shiftless and idle.
Bone idle.
All you do is wear flashy clothes, play golf and chase servant girls.
Either you go to work or you marry Madge Cartwright.
No! No! Teddy bear! - No! - Teddy bear! Come to my arms, Teddy bear! Come to my arms! Come to bed! Come to bed! - Come to bed! Come! - Oh, no! Anything but that! l must get rid of Madge Cartwright.
Where are the two Chinamen? You want two Chinamen? l am one Chinaman.
l amanother Chinaman.
Get rid of Madge Cartwright! Get rid of Madge Cartwright! OK, boss.
Teddy bear! Teddy bear! Come to bed! Teddy! Teddy bear! Teddy! Come to Madge Cartwright got rid of.
Prisoner at the bar, stand up to be sentenced.
The honourable Edward Meldrum, you have been found guilty of the terrible crime of kidnapping Madge Cartwright and being bone idle.
You are sentenced to 50 years' hard labour, testing rubber goods at the Union Jack Rubber Company.
l didn't do it! lt was these bally Chinamen! We are bally innocent Chinamen.
Of course you are.
Not only that, you're working class.
Not guilty.
Take him down.
No! No! No! No! l don't know how to work! l just wear flashy clothes, play golf and chase servant girls.
You will test 1,000 invalid cushions per day or you'll get no bread or water.
Blow the air in.
Push the air out.
Blow the air in.
Push the air out.
Blow the air in.
Push the air out.
- l can't do it! - ln! Out! ln! Out! ln! Out! Get them off! Get them off! Off! Off! Get them off! Get them off! - (Teddy) Off! - What's going on? - It's UncIe Teddy.
- What is happening? - It's coming from UncIe Teddy's room.
- Oh, good heavens.
- Teddy? - Off! Get them off! Who have you got in there with you? Off! Get them off! - Off! Get them off! - It's aII right! AII right, I'II bIow it up! There's no need to beat me! Oh! Oh! - What's happening? - You had a nightmare, UncIe Teddy.
Oh, gosh! I had a nightmare! George, I had a nightmare! Oh, Mr Teddy Mr Teddy! My God! It's stiII going on! Mr Teddy, was it about the war? No! I had to go to work! M'Iord, if you'II show me where he hid the girI, James and I wiII get her out.
It's aII right, Stokes.
Mr Teddy was having a nightmare.
Oh, poor Mr Teddy.
WouId you Iike a cup of tea? - Oh, yes, pIease, a cup of tea.
- India or China? - Oh, no, no, not China! - It's aII right.
It's over.
It's over.
Right, back to bed, everybody.
Sorry you've been disturbed.
- (Man) Is everything aII right up there? - Who's that? - I think it's ConstabIe WiIson, sir.
- Oh, Iord (WiIson) Oh, it's you, Your Lordship.
Is everything aII right? Yes, thank you, ConstabIe.
I heard a voice yeIIing, ''Get 'em off!'' - It was my brother.
- Ah, I thought that's who it was.
- He was having a nightmare.
- Oh, I see.
WeII, that's aII right, then.
Good night.
Back to bed, everybody.
I dreamt I was back at the factory.
You wouIdn't do that to me, wouId you? Of course not, Teddy, just so Iong as you marry Madge Cartwright.
But she was part of the nightmare! Have a nice cup of tea.
You'II feeI better.
I gave him his tea, but he was asIeep, so I Ieft it on the side.
I'm gIad somebody's getting some sIeep.
Does he reaIise we have to be up at the crack of dawn to get their breakfast? When he was a boy, he used to have nightmares.
PersonaIIy, I bIame the cheese.
I make it a ruIe never to eat GorgonzoIa after eight o'cIock.
We never have GorgonzoIa in the house! Nasty, smeIIy, foreign stuff.
You don't go in for cheeses, do you? No.
8, they have a cheese board you wouIdn't beIieve.
Her cherry cake isn't up to much, but she can order cheese.
I expect you'II want to get back to your beat, ConstabIe.
I'd have been at the station haIf an hour ago, but I thought I saw somebody in your drive, then I heard Mr Teddy's voice, so I thought I'd investigate.
- Good night, aII.
- (AII) Good night.
See you in the morning.
WiII it be kippers? Very IikeIy.
I had some at No.
4 yesterday.
They were aII bones.
WeII, I'm off.
We've stiII got a coupIe of hours before we start another day.
You going to count sheep, Mrs Lipton? If I count anything, Henry, it'II be the money certain peopIe owe me.
- Who is it owes her money? - She Ient me haIf a crown Iast week.
- She never stops going on about it.
- HaIf a crown? I couId buy 15 chocoIate cream bars with that.
Make me sick of course.
Mind you, it wouId be worth it.
She Ient you haIf a crown! £7 4 you owe her, which you obtained by Iies and deceit! What a mathematicaI brain you have, James TweIvetrees.
Oh, don't start.
Dad'II pay Mrs Lipton back.
- Won't you, Dad? - Of course I wiII.
- And he's toId her he won't marry her.
- We've no proof of that.
The way she's going on, he must have said something.
- Is there another cup in the pot, Ivy? - Just about.
WeII one more fag and I'm off to bed.
- God, I hate these Egyptian cigarettes.
- Then why do you smoke them? Because his Iordship is out of Virginia.
That reminds me, I must order more.
Fancy one? I've never taken anything that didn't beIong to me in aII my time in service.
- He's the most honourabIe man I've met.
- Thank you, Ivy.
It isn't easy to keep on the straight and narrow these days, is it Mr TweIvetrees? It was the way you was brought up, wasn't it? Did you say your father was a Iay preacher? - Yes.
- WeII, is that a sort of a vicar? Yes, something Iike that.
- You toId me he was a church warden.
- No, you're mistaken, AIf.
Knowing nothing of Church matters, I doubt you'd know the difference.
I beg your pardon, Your HoIiness.
I expect it was his exampIe that made you reIigious.
Very IikeIy.
When I stood next to him in church on Sunday, I couId feeI sanctity oozing out of him.
You're ever so sanctimonious, aren't you? You haven't got the right word there, Ivy.
If you ask me, you're trying to Iive in a worId that doesn't exist.
AII the more reason to maintain the moraI standards I was taught from boyhood - truth, IoyaIty and thrift.
WeII, you're doing aII right with thrift.
You're as mean as muck.
- Good night, Ivy.
- Good night, Dad.
See you in the morning.
I wish you and my dad got on a bit better.
He's not a bad sort at heart.
What do you mean, ''Not a bad sort''? I know he's your father, Ivy, but if you and I hadn't covered up for him time after time, he'd be behind bars! WeII, he's had a hard Iife.
- What's your mother Iike, Ivy? - Oh, she's IoveIy.
She Iooks Iike me, except she doesn't wear gIasses, her nose turns up and she's got grey hair.
Oh, but she's got IoveIy teeth.
She saved up two years for them.
- Have you any brothers and sisters? - No, just me.
They were ever so poor.
They couIdn't even afford a photographer at the wedding.
There's not one picture in the house.
You'd hardIy think they had a wedding at aII.
WeII, I'd better wash these cups or Mrs Lipton wiII give me what for.
Oh! There's somebody outside in the garden! - Where? - He just ran by.
He's round the back.
The constabIe said he saw someone in the drive! What are we going to do? (Knock on door) Don't answer! It might be a burgIar! CaIm down, Ivy.
BurgIars do not come to the back door and knock.
I'II be here in case you need heIp.
- Dad! - Jim.
Let me in, quick.
I had to wait tiII that copper had gone.
I'm on the run, Jim.
You've got to hide me.
Are you aIone? - Ah! - Ah! - Who's this? - Good evening.
Ivythis is my father.
Oh, the preacher! Oh, h How do you do? - Now, Iook, Dad - Ah! Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
I must sit down.
My heart's pIaying up again.
Oh, that's better.
- ShaII I put the kettIe on? - (James) Yes, Ivy.
Haven't you got anything stronger? - There's a drop of beer.
- That'II do.
Have you got any grub? - There's a pork pie in the pantry.
- LoveIy.
- Hang on.
I'II get you a gIass.
- Don't bother.
- I'II get a knife and fork.
- It's aII right.
I can manage.
Oh, I don't want to put anyone to any troubIe.
- Have you come far? - Birmingham.
Oh, were you preaching there? What's she on about? Sit down.
Now then, Iet me give it to you straight.
I need you to fix me up with a biIIet whiIe the heat's on.
Like I toId you, I'm on the run.
Has he run aII the way from Birmingham? - No, you see - What is it this time? I have been straight, Jim.
Four years, I've been straight.
- WeII, since I did that Iast bit of porridge.
- Is he a cook as weII? See, I was short of cash, Jim, desperate for money, and then the boys said they'd give me a monkey to drive the getaway car.
A monkey? Yeah.
It was a warehouse job they was doing.
WeII, you see, the aIarm went off and Harry You know, one-eyed Harry, he Iost his nerve, puIIed out a shooter.
- A gun?! - I never knew he had it.
Straight up.
Straight up what? Anyway, he fired one shot, and thank God, he missed.
Now, as you know, I don'tI don't hoId with shooters, so I took to my heeIs and ran.
They nicked two of them.
Now, the rest are after me for Ieaving them in the Iurch, and thethe Rozzers are after me an' aII.
I'm in a right pickIe, son.
But you can't stay here! You wouIdn't turn your own fIesh and bIood out on the street? That's aII very weII, Dad.
I've got a good job.
I've worked hard for it.
I don't want anything to do with this! J, my IittIe boy, you're the onIy one I've got to turn to.
Look, justjust hide me for a few days, and then heIp me get out of the country.
Excuse me.
Where did you put the monkey? Ivy Now, Iisten, Ivy, I've kept this secret aII my Iife.
My father's been in and out of troubIe ever since I can remember.
- Do you mean he's not a preacher? - No.
He's a burgIar.
A burgIar? How awfuI! He's not even a proper burgIar! He just gets in with the wrong peopIe and gets Ied astray.
He's weak but he's never been in this sort of troubIe, not armed robbery.
Why doesn't he go to the poIice? He didn't do any shooting.
One-eyed Harry did that, and he missed.
ProbabIy cos he's onIy got one eye.
You don't know the Iaw, Ivy.
If one uses a gun, they're aII up for armed robbery.
He'd be Iucky to get ten years' hard Iabour.
- Oh, no.
- What am I going to do? - Hide him.
- I can't do that! He's your dad.
You've got to! - But where? - Take him up to your room.
No one goes in there except me when I cIean.
- We can sneak food up to him.
- But he can't stay there forever.
- Dad'II know what to do.
- I don't want him to know.
- I couIdn't take the humiIiation.
- What eIse can we do? Oh, I don't know.
I need time to think.
Get him upstairs.
We'II decide in the morning.
Jim where's the toiIet? Outside.
- It's down there on the right.
- Thank you, son.
Mr TweIvetrees, I'm stiII worried about that monkey.
- More toast, Miss Poppy? - Oh, yes, pIease.
I'm hungry as a hunter.
Butter it for me, pIease, James, and take the butter to the edge.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
- Good morning, Your Lordship.
- Morning, James.
- Your Times, sir.
- Thank you.
Morning, Daddy.
I've never seen you Iate for breakfast.
I couIdn't get to sIeep after that ridicuIous business Iast night.
Poor UncIe Teddy.
It's your fauIt.
You shouId never have made him work for his Iiving.
Why shouIdn't he? I work for my Iiving.
Daddy, you onIy go into the City one day a week.
UntiI Iast year, I used to go in much more.
Three days a week.
However often it was, business is booming, especiaIIy the Union Jack Rubber Company.
Because Marie Stopes said your products work.
As I keep teIIing you, Poppy, that's onIy one of our Iines.
I'm fed up with peopIe making cheap jokes about it.
- Morning, Teddy.
- Morning, George.
You're Iooking very bright, considering.
That nightmare gave me an absoIuteIy wonderfuI idea for a new invention that's going to make me oodIes of cash.
- Oh, reaIIy? What is it? - I'm not going to teII you.
WeII, that's the end of that conversation.
As soon as I perfect it, I'II seII it to the highest bidder.
I'm sure the business worId wiII be agog.
James, you spiIt coffee in my saucer! I can't drink coffee if it's in the saucer! - It'II drip on my dressing gown.
- I'm sorry, sir.
I shouId baIIy weII think so.
I've never known your hand to trembIe.
What's the matter? Yes, and he's broken my toast.
You're not usuaIIy cIumsy Iike that.
I'II obtain some more, miss, and a cIean cup, sir.
Oh, Ivy, I can't go on.
I'm so jumpy.
Go in and see to the famiIy.
- WeII, how's your dad? - He had the bed.
I sIept on the fIoor.
- He was stiII asIeep when I Ieft.
- Oh, poor souI.
He was tired out.
- I'II go up and see if he's aII right.
- Oh, good morning, Lady Lavender.
Oh, EtheI, I've had another note from Captain DoIby.
I think I'm going to eIope.
What was that about? She keeps finding Ietters from her boyfriend 40 years ago and thinks he's just sent them.
See to the famiIy, Ivy.
What was aII that commotion during the night? Was the house being attacked by hostiIe tribesmen? No, Lavender.
We don't get hostiIe tribesmen down this street.
They stay the other side of the Thames.
Croydon.
- Are you aII right, Dad? - Yeah.
Rotten Iumpy bed they given you.
It's better than the fIoor.
Put that cigarette out.
If Mrs Lipton smeIIs that, it'II give us away.
- Have you got any grub? - I'II bring some as soon as I can.
I can smeII bacon.
Bacon wouId go down a fair treat.
- I'II do my best.
- I don't want it swimming in grease.
You'II have what I can get.
ChurchiII's putting thruppence on income tax.
That'II make it four shiIIings in the pound.
The man's a fooI.
He'II never amount to anything.
I mean, Iook at that mess he made at BaIacIava.
That was Omdurman, Lavender, and we won.
WeII, he was wearing a BaIacIava.
Morning, famiIy.
Sorry I'm Iate.
Cissy, I can't have you sitting down to breakfast with aII that on.
- She does it to show off.
- I do not show off.
I'm onIy having coffee.
I ate at the aerodrome with the instructors.
- But you've got your Iicence.
- Steve's teaching me to Ioop the Ioop.
I wish you wouIdn't do that.
FIying is dangerous enough the right way up.
You just shove the stick forward and wait tiII the wind's shrieking through your stays, then puII back and over you go.
You wear stays under aII that? Wear a frock tomorrow night.
We've got the bishop coming with three cronies.
Daddy, why do you keep inviting these boring bishops to dinner? Because your father wants to be on the board of the BBC as a governor.
- How do the bishops heIp? - They know the other boring governors.
Excuse me, my Iord.
This arrived by speciaI messenger from the factory.
It's addressed to Mr Edward.
Oh! Good-o.
I rang up for it earIy this morning.
CouIdn't you have had them wrap it? The neighbours probabIy think it's for me.
What do you want that for? Are you having troubIe sitting? I'm not going to teII you.
When I perfect my invention, you'II be Iaughing on the other side of your face.
The sooner he marries Madge Cartwright and gets his own pIace the better.
(WhistIing cheerfuIIy) (Coughing) You aII right, Jim? - (Coughing) - Jim? That's aII the breakfast things, MabeI.
If I had my way, I'd pass a Iaw against eating kippers in the morning.
It turns my stomach.
Don't grumbIe, MabeI.
You get weII paid.
There's three sIices of bacon and an egg.
I can't take a pIate upstairs.
Someone wiII see.
Here's a coupIe of sIices of bread.
Put it in that.
Oh, and here's some peanuts for the monkey.
- Ivy, there is no monkey.
- What have you done with it? A monkey is £500.
Oh, never! Ah, a nice IittIe sandwich.
- FeeIing a bit peckish, are you, James? - I was I was just making it for MabeI.
Did I hear my name mentioned? Mr TweIvetrees has made you a nice sandwich.
WeII, I never.
What is it? Three sIices of bacon and a fried egg.
You can take it home.
I'm not taking it anywhere.
I'm eating it here.
I was just passing your room, James, and I heard a coughing.
I expect it was the pigeons.
There's ever so much smoke about.
- Drop it, Ivy.
I went into the room.
- How? It was Iocked! AII the Iocks upstairs are the same.
I've met him.
I've taIked to him, and I know what's going on.
Oh, no.
You aIways were a hypocrite, James TweIvetrees.
You and your strict upbringing.
Truth, IoyaIty and thrift? And aII that guff you gave us about your father being a Iay preacher? He's a sniveIIing IittIe tea Ieaf! Oh, no! AII right.
I'm gIad it's out in the open.
AII my Iife, I hated what my father stood for.
I was aIways afraid it might come out in me.
Because he was so weak, I had to be twice as strong.
I couIdn't aIIow myseIf the smaIIest fauIt.
WeII, it's over.
The poIice wiII catch him, and if they don't, his own gang wiII.
He'II go to prison.
I'II be disgraced and I'II have to Ieave here.
Oh, no, you won't.
We're aII one famiIy down here.
If you're in troubIe, we're aII in troubIe.
We'II sort this out between us.
If the poIice are after him and the gangs are after him, what chance has he got? I wouIdn't Iike to be in your dad's shoes.
I've seen what them gangs can do.
At Ieast he'd be safe in the hands of the poIice.
- I reckon he shouId give himseIf up.
- And spend ten years in Dartmoor? WeII, sureIy if a fine, upstanding man Iike James spoke up for him, it wouId heIp, him being his onIy son.
And what happens to James after that? Supposing he gets the sack? Who's going to empIoy a convict's son? Why shouId Mr TweIvetrees suffer just because of his father? It's not fair.
The whoIe worId's not fair, Ivy, especiaIIy to the Iikes of us.
Oh, them upstairs wouId wheedIe their way out of it, but if you're working cIass, you're guiIty before you get in the dock.
We've got to get him out of the country.
But how can we do that? I know how to do it.
There's a pub down the docks.
It's run by a paI of mine.
He gets aII sorts in there.
SaiIors and captains and the Iike.
They come off banana boats, grain ships and tankers and they go everywhere.
It won't be hard to get him a boat but there's one snag.
They don't do it for nothing.
WeII, I've got six pounds in the post office.
- We'II need a bit more than that, Ivy.
- How much do you reckon? CouId be up to £50.
Maybe more.
I've got it! SeII the monkey.
Ivy WeII, you said it was worth £500.
I couId ask his Iordship for three months' wages in advance.
- That wouId come to £7/10.
- I'd heIp, but I need every penny.
I expect Mrs Lipton's got a bit tucked away.
What I've got tucked away, Henry, is no concern of yours.
Mind you, if I had aII the money that is owed to me by certain peopIe, it wouId be a different matter.
But as it is, I think he shouId give himseIf up.
I know he's James's father, but honesty is the best poIicy.
That's crueI, Mrs Lipton! You have to be crueI to be kind, Ivy.
You've gone very quiet, James.
I was doing a sum.
I don't need heIp.
I've got enough.
I'II go there tonight and see what I can sort out.
Put the kettIe on, Mrs Lipton.
Thanks, Dad.
(Loud parp) - HeIIo, George.
- Not now, Teddy.
I'm busy.
- Are you aII right, Teddy? - Yes, perfectIy.
Now, George, how wouId you Iike to make a Iot of money? - I've aIready got a Iot of money.
- You said you couId never have enough.
Did I? WeII, I was quite right.
I'II teII you what I'II do.
As you're my brother, I'II Iet you have it for £1 ,000 and sixpence on every one you seII.
- What are you babbIing on about? - It's my invention.
- Oh, the one you wouIdn't teII me about? - I'm teIIing you about it now.
- Good.
WeII, go ahead.
- Come over here.
- Can't you teII me here? - No.
Sit here.
Oh, reaIIy, Teddy! I've got a Iot of work to attend to.
Now, sit down.
(Parp) - What on earth was that? - What do you think it was? I'm asking you.
George, if you were in a crowded room and you heard that, what wouId you think? I'd think, er - I'd think, er - PreciseIy.
- You'd roar with Iaughter.
- I most certainIy wouId not.
I'd do the gentIemanIy thing and pretend I hadn't heard it.
You oId stick-in-the-mud! If you had a sense of humour, you'd go, ''Ha-ha-ha!'' - No, I wouIdn't.
- Get up.
Let me show you.
(Parp) (Parp) (Parp) It'II make us a fortune, George! PeopIe wiII buy it for a joke.
They'II put it under their cushions, other peopIe wiII sit on it and everyone aII over the worId wiII go, ''Ha-ha-ha!'' I shaII caII it the ha-ha-ha cushion.
I think it's absoIuteIy ridicuIous.
The pubIic Iove that sort of humour, and you couId put it on the market.
It's bad enough seIIing what we do seII without seIIing that.
Does that mean you're turning me down? Teddy, you have no idea of business.
And you're a pompous oId fuddy-duddy.
I shaII seII it to your rivaIs, I shaII make a fortune, and I shan't give you a penny.
(Parp) (Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
- I've got monkey nuts for the parrot.
- Don't give them to him.
- But you asked for them.
- He's been very rude.
He feII asIeep when I was reading him Winnie The Pooh.
Excuse me, my Iady, but what are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? - Why do peopIe tie sheets together? - I don't know.
So they can cIimb down them and eIope.
I'm going to eIope with Captain DoIby.
Stand aside.
You're onIy going to eIope as far as the room beIow.
- Get me some more sheets! - Yes, Lady Lavender.
I must say, Mrs Lipton, this is the nicest duck I've tasted in a Iong time.
That cook at No.
6, Mrs Cooper, she can't do a duck to save her Iife.
I toId the butIer to get rid of her.
I've tried aII the houses, and I can say you are the best cook in the street.
Oh, thank you, ConstabIe WiIson.
I'm sorry Mr Stokes is not here.
With a deIicate fIavour Iike this, a Burgundy wouId be better than aIe.
- He's off.
He'II be back soon.
- It's aII fixed up.
I saw the captain I've erI've seen the captain and he says it's aII right for Henry to pIay in goaI.
Oh, and I've erI've seen your sergeant going by on his bike.
Do you think he's Iooking for you? I shouIdn't think so, but I'd better go aII the same.
- Good night, aII.
- (AII) Good night.
Where's mine? Didn't you put it in the oven? Oh, I forgot aII about it.
Oh, we must be getting oId, Mr Stokes.
I forget about food, you forget about money.
We're a right pair, aren't we? The constabIe Ieft a Ieg and a bit of breast.
I suppose that'II have to do.
- How did you get on? - It's aII fixed up.
There's a banana boat going to VenezueIa tomorrow.
We have to get him on board by haIf one.
- Where's VenezueIa? - South America.
- How much? - Forty quid.
- HaIf by dinner and the rest on board.
- How wiII we get him there? Jim and I wiII run him down on the gardener's motorbike and sidecar.
There's a party for those church peopIe.
Last time they came, they stayed forever! They'II go by midnight.
That's soon enough.
I'II get the money first thing.
I gave your dad the duck.
He said the skin was soggy.
What impertinence! You heard what the constabIe said, James.
I'm the best cook in the street.
He said your Lyonnaise potatoes were too oniony.
Any more from him and I'II WeII, I'II turn him in.
Oh, Henry, Mr Stokes has seen the captain, and it's aII right for you to pIay in goaI.
What are you taIking about? I made that up, Ivy, because the constabIe was there.
Oh, I see! You're not pIaying in goaI.
Have you fixed him up, then? Yeah.
He's on a banana boat tomorrow for South America.
He'II be upset about that.
He was counting on the Mauritania to New York.
Oh, and he said, can you run him a nice hot bath with some bath saIts? I'II have a word with him.
I can't drink aIe with Mrs Lipton's duck.
It's sacriIege.
I'II go and get a nice bottIe of Richebourg.
- AIf? - Yes? Thanks for what you're doing for me.
I've condemned you in the past, but now I'm in troubIe, it's good to know I've got someone I can reIy on.
Perhaps it's taught you one thing - when you're in troubIe, turn to your own cIass for heIp.
Perhaps you're right.
Now, you sing The Red FIag whiIe I get a bottIe of wine out of his Iordship's ceIIar.
(Knock on door) - You rang, Miss Cissy? - Yes, Ivy.
- It is James's room above mine, isn't it? - Yes, miss.
I've been hearing strange noises aII day.
I expect it was Mr TweIvetrees doing his exercises.
It can't be him.
I heard it when he was downstairs.
There's been a Iot of coughing too.
What's going on? Has he got someone up there? I don't think so, miss.
Come on, Ivy.
You're hopeIess at Iying.
Look me in the eye.
You know something, don't you? - No, miss.
- I shaII have to get Daddy to have a Iook.
Oh! AII right, Miss Cissy, I'II teII you, because you're the onIy one who has any sympathy with us.
You won't Iet on, wiII you? I don't know what you're going to say.
It's Mr TweIvetrees' dad.
He's on the run from the poIice.
I see.
What's he done? WeII, nothing.
WeII, aImost nothing.
They were robbing a warehouse but he ran away.
- Why do the poIice want him? - His friend had a shooter.
Mr TweIvetrees' dad didn't know he had a shooter, and when he saw it, he ran away.
And there's a monkey in it somewhere.
If there's a gun invoIved, it's very serious.
I suppose he couId give himseIf up, but they'd never beIieve him.
That's what Mr Stokes says.
He's arranged for him to escape on a banana boat tomorrow night.
- You won't teII, wiII you? - Of course not, Ivy.
He's just another victim of this rotten sociaI system.
Yes, miss.
- Ivy - Yes, miss? Let me know if I can heIp.
Thank you, miss, but I think Mr Stokes has fixed everything.
If you ask me, Mr Stokes shouId have been back over an hour ago.
You're right.
The pub shut at three and it shouIdn't take over an hour to get here.
It's rough down there.
They couId have robbed him and chucked him in the dock.
- Don't say that! - He has that £20 you gave him.
He couId be tempted.
He's not a thief, Mrs Lipton.
No, Ivy, I'm not saying he is a thief.
I'm saying he couId be tempted.
(Henry) HeIIo, Mr Stokes.
We were just taIking about you.
What's happened to your arm? (SIurring) I, erhad a bit of an accident.
Did they try to rob you and throw you in the dock? - No.
I feII over.
- You're drunk.
I am not drunk.
I had a few whiIe I was negotiating with the captain, and I feII over the step when I was coming out of the pub and I had to go to hospitaI.
- Have you broken it? - No.
It's just a bad strain.
What I aIways say is drink's a good servant but a bad master.
I am not drunk.
I'm not even happy.
You used my money, I suppose? OnIy ten shiIIings.
I gave the rest to the captain.
How are you going to drive with your arm in a sIing? - Jim'II have to do it.
- I can't drive the bike! WeII, I haven't got a Iicence.
Ah, weII, we'II have to go some other time, then.
TypicaI! We get everything arranged and you get drunk and spoiI everything! - More sherry, My Lord? - No.
No, thank you.
WeII, maybe a touch more.
My, my, you have been in the wars, Stokes.
What happened? I had popped into church for a quiet moment of thanksgiving and upon Ieaving, I trapped it in the door.
- Trapped it in the door? You were drunk.
- I was not drunk.
Ah, Poppy.
This is my youngest daughter, Poppy.
- Good evening, CharIes.
- Good evening.
How pretty you Iook! - Now, this is Peter, Bishop of GuiIdford.
- How do you do? DudIey, the Bishop of St Edmundsbury and Ipswich.
- And HaroId, the Bishop of Exeter.
- How do you do? Teddy, have you set a date for the wedding? Teddy here is going to get married.
No.
I'm working on a rather noveI invention.
I don't think CharIes wants to hear about it.
- It sounds interesting.
- Aha! You'II hear about it sooner or Iater.
- Ivy, is everything aII right? - No, miss.
It's been canceIIed.
- Why? - Mr Stokes can't drive the motorcycIe.
Oh, damn! Look, Ivy, I couId drive him in the car.
Oh, wouId you, Miss Cissy? Oh, thank you.
Anything for a bit of excitement.
When has he go to be there? - HaIf past one.
- I'II be ready when the bishops Ieave.
HeIIo, CharIes.
- Dad, it's aII on.
- What do you mean? - Miss Cissy's going to drive you.
- Ivy, I toId you not to teII anyone! I didn't! She found out.
- I'II expIain Iater.
- Ivy Don't worry.
She's on our side.
Oh, and Mrs Lipton says dinner's ready.
- Put the soup in the Iift and puII it up.
- Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Teddy, I'm dying to hear about your invention.
If you reaIIy beIieve in it, you must have faith.
CharIes, you sit there, DudIey there, Peter next to me and HaroId opposite him.
- What are cushions doing on the chairs? - It was Mr Edward's instructions.
(CharIes) Right, who is to say grace? Who's the most senior? Oh, me.
Benedic, nos Domine, et haec tua dona quae de tua Iargitate sumus sumpturi.
- Amen.
- (AII) Amen.
(Chorus of parping) (Long, deep parp) (Laughter) What did I teII you, George? It's the British sense of humour.
I'II make a fortune! (George) Very amusing.
It's time they was Ieaving or they'II miss that boat.
Oh, it's aII wrong.
They're pIaying with fire.
The famiIy's in bed.
Mr Stokes and the rest wiII be Ieaving in a few minutes.
If we're to get there by 1 :30, we'd better get a move on.
(Stokes) Come on, James! I was fast asIeep.
I hate being wakened quickIy.
It gives me a headache.
- I do not Iike boats and I hate bananas! - Come on.
- Come on.
Use the front door.
- What is going on? - That's torn it.
- Go back to bed.
I'II do no such thing.
Who's this rough-Iooking feIIow? - I'm going to fetch Daddy.
- Come back, Poppy.
The rest of you get in the car.
Poppy, come in here.
Oh, heck! It's Lady Lav! She's eIoping! Oh, EtheI, I'm gIad you're here.
I need one more sheet.
Get her down.
She'II wake everybody up.
(Stokes) Grab hoId of her by the knees.
Easy does it.
We've got you.
Let go of the sheet! Oh, Captain DoIby! Why haven't you shaved? - ShaII I take her back to her room? - No, I am not going back to my room! I'm going to eIope with the captain, and you're trying to stop me! No, we're not.
Get her in the car and Iet's take her with us.
- James - Yes, miss? Seeing he's your father, I won't say anything to Daddy, but I expect you to be very attentive to me in the future.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Oh, we are squashed.
Perhaps I'd better sit on your knee, Captain DoIby.
Who is this mad oId bat? Shove him on the fIoor in case the cops see him.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Ah! Hey! - That's a nice way to treat your dad! - Oh, shut up! Right, we're aII ready, Miss Cissy.
Here's that nosy constabIe, Miss Cissy.
Put your foot down! Here, watch out! Where are they going at this time of night? They're taking Lady Lavender to the Kit-Kat CIub.
BIimey! She's a goer, isn't she? (Ivy) Oh, it's ever so rough round here.
Do you think it's safe? Of course it's not.
Stay in the car whiIe I find the captain.
- Stay in the car, miss.
- I'm coming with you.
- Now, Iisten - Remember your pIace, Stokes.
- I am coming with you.
- Very weII, miss, but stay cIose in case there's any bother.
Here, you, where's the captain? I arranged to meet him.
You've brought a girI for him? She's nice.
He Iikes bIondes.
Give us a kiss, darIing.
Oh! Now, go and get your captain.
Miss Cissy's just punched a saiIor! We'd better get over there.
Oh, it's you.
You're Iate.
- Where is he? - He's here.
- Where's he going? - On the boat.
Oh, how romantic! We're going to eIope on a boat.
I thought you said there was onIy one.
- Take no notice.
- Have you got the money? Yes.
Here.
- Come on! Come on! - £20.
- Where's the rest? - You've had the rest.
- He onIy gave me £18.
- You spent two pounds on drink? No wonder you feII over! Give him the two quid and stop beIIyaching.
Right, you, come on board.
- Hang on, where's your passport? - I haven't got a passport.
Why didn't you get me a passport? No passport? That's another tenner.
I haven't got another tenner! What do you mean, coming without enough money? TypicaI.
I have money.
I brought it to pay for the marriage Iicence.
Here you are.
- Goodbye, Dad.
- Eh? Oh.
It's a mucky-Iooking boat.
- I hope it don't sink.
- Look after him.
Don't worry, I shaII put him in a first-cIass cabin.
Why is he going without me? He's going back to join his regiment.
Why? Are the Boers revoIting? ProbabIy.
Come on back to the car.
Just a minute We've forgotten the monkey! Come on, Ivy.
It's me, Ivy.
Sorry I'm so Iate.
I'II have to be short cos it's three in the morning and I've to be up by six.
I'm afraid I've had to teII a few fibs, and I hope you think we've done the right thing about James's dad.
I mean, it wasn't his fauIt his friend shot with a shooter.
Anyway, he's safe and sound now on the high seas.
And some good might come of it aII.
James may not be quite so pompous and my dad might understand that the toffs can be quite nice.
WeII, some of 'em, now and again.
Anyway, thanks very much.
Oh, I stiII don't understand about that monkey, but wherever he is, take care of him.
Good night.
Good night, Dorothy.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.