Young Dracula (2006) s02e06 Episode Script

And so the sweet young princess was bitten and the evil vampire lived happily ever after.
Dad, I'm too old for stories! And I'm too young to be sleeping in a coffin! You're never too young to learn good habits.
Now, it may seem a bit dark and scary at first, but don't worry, Daddy's here to nail you in.
But I won't be able to breathe! Breathe?! - You're a vampire, Vladdy! - Not yet I'm not! Oh, it's best if you keep your mouth shut.
- Otherwise you may get worms crawling in.
- Worms?! What's going on? It sounds like you're in pain.
Can I watch? Yeah come in, the more the merrier.
Dad's just nailing me into a coffin.
Oh, typical! I'm nearly 16! How come I don't get my own coffin? There's a perfectly good reason, Ingrid.
You're a girl! Now, son, I shall leave you to enjoy your new coffin.
I have some midnight hunting to do.
Off to nibble some sheep again, are we, Daddy? Sheep?! How dare you?! I am the Prince Of Darkness! Well, just make sure the farmer doesn't catch you this time.
Blood and garlic! Bat alert! The vampire is in the air! Go! Go! Go! SIREN BLARES Dad? Let's just finish this game first.
Hey, I've got a double word score! We've been waiting for this all night.
- Now you'd rather play Scrabble? - Cuckoo! - Yeah, you said it.
Loopy! No, "cuckoo".
Look.
I'm catching up.
Chicken.
I win.
Behold! Morning has broken but young Vladimir sleeps, away from sunlight's scorching glare.
Oh, thank you, Master! I'll knit somethingsmall.
Inside this coffin there lies a true vampire! Vladimir! - Wah! - What is this thing? That thing? I've never seen it before in my life! Mr Cuddles! Oh, so it's Mr Cuddles now is it?! - I don't normally sleep with him.
- Was poor little Vladdy-waddy lonely? - You're supposed to be my son and heir! - I never chose to be! - Right! - Take it out on the monkey, why don't you! Lock up your teddies! They'll be scared of you now.
- Mum? - Magda! Hello, darlings.
Or should I say, congratulations, Daddy? Mum's pregnant.
How did this happen? Well, when a mummy and daddy love each other, they make a special wish for a baby.
Yes, but mummy doesn't love daddy.
- She loves Patrick.
- Here we are! Boys Names for the Modern Vampyre, published 1254 AD.
Now, let's see Attilla, Genghis Barry.
You do realise it could be a girl? - What? It's not an egg-dropper is it, darling? - Of course not.
He'll be all man, like his father.
There's life in the old dog yet! Talking of dogs, how's Patrick? Patrick? Yeah, you know, Patrick, the werewolf.
Tall, dark and hairy.
Patrick.
- Vladimir, we do not say that name in this castle.
- What, Patrick? Argh! Idiot.
Robin! - Have you seen this? - Robin! "Farmers lock up their livestock "due to spate of animal bitings"? Someone's been biting animals? No.
It's made up, silly.
You don't really think there's some nutter nibbling sheep, do you? - Baaa! - Baaa! - Baaa! - Baaa! I mean, biting humans I can understand, but poor innocent animals.
- What's up with you? - Mum and Dad are having a baby.
Magda? That's great news, isn't it? Bringing another vampire into the world? Another merciless, blood-sucking monster.
Or he could be a bit of a boring one, like you? Thanks.
I knew you'd cheer me up.
Dad? Hey.
.
Jonathan.
Is that a coffin? Yes! - Got a problem with that? - No.
I mean, yes! And you won't get away with it, you beautiful freak! Let's go.
Oh, that's right, run away at the first sign of trouble! All I want is a coffin.
Is that too much to ask? Erm, Ingrid, it's none of our business, but - You're not dying are you? - Dying? Me? Well, I don't expect I'll be doing much breathing after my 16th birthday.
Oh, Ingrid.
And what is this? Your lunch, mistress.
Do you want it shaved or au naturel? - Is this a joke? - Well, the master's become quite partial.
The master isn't pregnant! I need blood.
Human blood! No! No, mistress Magda, please! I'm saving myself for my master.
Oh! I could have a wipe down? Jono, can't this wait? No! This is urgent slaying business! Slaying? Look, maybe, maybe we need some time off.
It's not as if the vampires are up to much, is it? No, apart from building coffins in your woodwork room! Rubbish! All right then, Sherlock.
What's this? Thatis a designer coffee table, with a convenient shaped body space underneath.
Dad, they're making us look stupid.
Now either we slay or we pay.
You decide! They love me, they love me, they love me, they really love me.
"Ingrid In Need"! You're sick! - So it would seem.
- I don't believe you! Pretending you've got a terminal illness, just to get a few presents! Oh, sounds like someone's jealous.
- What have I got to be jealous about? - Well Here's me getting all this attention at school.
And at home, you're not Dad's favourite any more.
Ingrid, of course I'm his favourite, nothing's going to change that.
- Hi, Dad.
- Silence! I'm talking to my new son.
You were saying? DEEP GROWL That's my boy! No, that's my stomach.
I'm starving! Renfield, where's that pizza delivery boy I ordered? DOORBELL RINGS Ah, that'll be my 6ft Sicilian.
- Hello! - Hello and congratulations.
Robin told us your news.
- Hi, Magda.
- I've brought you some books on breastfeeding.
Shall we have a read? Still wrestling with a name, eh? I've always really liked Patrick.
- What? - Dad! - Patrick is Mum's boyfriend.
- Ex! Ex-boyfriend.
That's what she says.
They break up pretty much every full moon.
Right, that's it.
Go to your room! - She's only going to let you down again.
- Upstairs NOW! Before I flay you alive and feed you inch by inch to the rooks.
I see you've been watching that Supernanny too.
- Vlad? - Oh, so you've finally stopped drooling over my mum, have you? Oh no, I'll be going back down in a minute.
- Unless you wanted to talk? - I dunno what everyone's so excited about.
- Look, I was jealous when Chloe was born, but - I'm not jealous.
I'm just worried about my Dad.
What, your Dad, the evil blood-sucker? Sucker, definitely, when it comes to my mum.
Vlad, my boy.
I just want to apologise for snapping.
It was rude, unthinking, and completely selfish and I say, what a lovely room for a nursery.
You won't mind moving out, will you? - Er, yes! - Tough necks, it's decided.
Master? Splendid! My son and heir will want for nothing! Really? Can I have a Playstation? - No, not you, the baby.
- But, I'm your son and heir, right? Ah, but you never chose to be.
Well, now you won't have to.
- What? - Not such a bad father, after all, am I? Argh! Vlad, I want you to know I'm not enjoying your fall from grace - I'm loving it! Get out! Magda's box big, breathe, breathe.
Legsaah! - Should I call an ambulance? - No, no, I'll be fine.
I've found the forceps! And I've cleaned off the mould! Get out! Out! And fetch me clean towels and hot water! - Dad, about the whole son and heir thing.
- No need to thank me, boy.
I've changed my mind.
I would like to be heir to the throne after all.
Wonderful news! Unfortunately, I've already promised Magda the new baby will inherit the title.
So tell her you've changed your mind.
You're the boss.
Well, I know that.
I'm just not sure she does.
- Argh! - BABY CRIES Good, that went well.
There.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present my new son and heir Vladimir! Vladimir? But that's my name.
Curses.
What was that other name? - Barry.
- Barry - What? You're going to call him Barry? Well, no, that would be stupid.
We'll call you Barry.
- Dad, what are you doing? - I was just I don't believe this.
You're surrendering.
- Jono.
- You're scared! I am not scared! - Yes, you are.
Admit it.
- All right, fine.
I'm scared! We've just had too many near misses.
It's one thing if I end up getting hurt, but I can't keep putting you in danger.
Sorry.
Most fetching, Master Vlad.
I've got to impress Dad somehow if I want my title back.
TOY SQUEAKS Rarr! Oh, wow! I did the fire thing! Oh! Aaaah Dad! I just set fire to Zoltan's tail! Oh, yes, invite the whole village, why don't you?! Fire! Fire! Sorry, but hey I did the fire thing! Ah, good morning fellow vampires! Dad, look, I can do the fire thing.
Raarr! Do you want some matches? I did it a minute ago! Raarr! Dad? PARP! Oh, who's done an evil nappy then? Little Vladdy has! He's not called Vlad! I am! Ingrid In Need Charity Gala tonight! Hey, our first sponsored fancy dress! Vlad, this is not a good look.
Even I don't come to school dressed like that any more.
- Well, you're not the next Count Dracula.
- Neither are you.
Cheers, Robin.
- Ow! - Oh, I'm sorry! - It's you! - It was an accident.
I'm really sorry.
Get back, fiend! You'll never sup the blood of a slayer! I wasn't supping on anything.
- I'm sorry.
- You will be.
I was about to declare a ceasefire.
But now I know that my boy will never be safe until all vampire life has been scorched from this earth! Rock a bye vampire in the treetop When the fangs grow, you're Ah, Master Barry.
Oh, great, now even Zoltan's on his side.
I mean, Master Vlad.
- How was your first day as a vampire? - Don't ask.
I can smell it.
It's in here somewhere.
Got it! - Ah, slayer's blood! - My favourite! Buns, I'm drying up here! There must be some blood somewhere! Magda, I promise you there's not a clot in the castle.
Master, here's that blood you asked for.
Fangs off! This is for tonight, - when I formally anoint Vlad as my heir to the throne.
- Really? Oh, you mean the other Vlad.
The ceremony will begin at 8 o'clock sharp.
- I suggest we all go and put our best capes on.
- Oh, brilliant! That's it.
So you're going to steal everything from me? My name, my friends, my title.
Mr Cuddles? Well, for your information, I'm Vladimir Dracula and I don't give up without a fight! - BURP! - Oh, dog breath! - Sorry.
- Not you, the baby.
- BABY YIPS - I knew it! Come on then, let's go and make some money.
That's one brave young lady.
Who cancelled the gala? I did.
No-one mocks the Van Helsings.
- No! - It's a miracle! - She's cured! - Shut it! I'm warning you step away from the coffin! - You'll regret this when I really am dead! - Bring it on, vampire! Well, on the bright side, you do seem to be feeling better.
So, was she ever ill then? It's great that we're slaying again, but is this really going to work? How can it fail? The Count flies out of the castle as usual, sees us, swoops downbang! Got him.
Yeah, well, nothing silly, right? Absolutely! Baaa! Baaa! Baaa! - Oh.
Baa! Baaa! - Baaa! - Baaaa! Dad, please, you have to trust me.
I mean, haven't you noticed anything strange about the baby? Strange and classically handsome, yes.
- Just like his father.
- You're not the father! Patrick is! Just look at him! Smell his breath.
He's a werewolf! How could I have been so stupid? Not to lock you in your room! I knew you'd try and concoct some story! But it's the truth! Mum, admit it.
If you've quite finished ruining the evening Aw, are you not invited, Barry? And so by the powers of chaos and evil Ready with the party poppers everyone.
.
.
I, Count Dracula of Transylvania, hereby name and anoint my successor.
Vladimir Slobodan Napoleon Dracula.
Dad, I'm sorry.
Oh, nice lighting, thank you, Barry.
Vladimir, close that now! The moonlight is lovely.
Oh, look you can see his little nose.
Oh! You scheming, manipulative, unfaithful - Bun-Buns! - Don't Bun-Buns me, now go out! And take your hairy werewolf spawn with you! What would I do with a baby? Patrick and I are far too busy.
- So long, darlings! - Mum? Families.
Can't live with them, can't drink their blood! Baaa! The slayer boy! Gotcha! Give me the hound, Vlad! Dad you can't bite him.
- You called me Vlad! - You do want to be heir to the throne, don't you? Not if it means killing my own brother, no! I wouldn't have a problem with that.
I might have been a bit jealous, but he's just a babypuppy.
- Give me that dog! - No! You see, I can do the fire thing! They grow up so quickly, don't they? Run! Here.
I will sniff you and that mongrel out.
This way, Master! That's it! Get him out of here.
What? Why me? Your dad'll kill me.
Not if he's chasing after me, he won't.
Oh really, this is far too easy.
Hey, Dad.
Vladamir! Hi, Robin.
Ooh, is that for me? No.
Thank you.
Sorry, sis! Dad! Going somewhere? Sorry, bro.
Mum? Got any mint sauce? One bite and you're dust! - Oh, Vladdy.
- Right then, walkies! Freeze! He hasn't got the guts.
Oh, you! I said freeze! And you! Oh, stop it or I'll garlic the pair of you! Honestly, you're like a couple of kids.
Mum, go on, go back to Patrick.
And this time don't forget your baby.
Bye, Mum! Bye, darlings.
Wow, that was awesome.
I mean, you totally rocked there, Vlad.
- Yeah, I was quite cool, wasn't I? - He has got to be in trouble now.
Impressive, Vladimir, standing up to your mother.
There's hope for you yet.
And thus I declare this noble young vampire to be my rightful successor to the family throne.
Arise, my son and heir Barry Dracula! Oh, very funny!