Z Rock (2008) s02e06 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 6
(upbeat music playing) - Freak, what are you doing? - Plyometrics, baby.
I'm over here bringing beautiful violence upon my biceps and you're doing that? Dude, it's P90X, man.
Are you nuts? I'm doing a workout over here that traces back to ancient times.
Gladiators used to do this in the blood-soaked sands of the Coliseum.
They used to bring beautiful ancient violence - upon their biceps! - Freak, what is with the "bring the violence"? You can't stop saying this stupid phrase.
I was at my cousin Charlie's last week he made it up.
I can't get it out of my mind.
It's infectious.
- What does it mean? - It's when you take all your power and you muster it into one thing.
Right now, I happen to be focusing on my biceps my beach muscle, baby.
- But it really applies to any situation.
- Oh, I think I get it.
I was actually with this smokin' hot blonde the other day, so close to sealing the deal.
Her boyfriend calls, screws up the whole thing.
Would it be safe to say that because of him I couldn't bring the violence upon her? "Unto" her.
It's "unto" someone else.
So wait.
Since Dave struck out, he went home, got himself some hand lotion and brought the violence upon himself? - (all laughing) - That's good.
That's funny.
- (loud snap) - (screams) Oh! - (siren blaring) - (engine starts) - (rock music playing) - We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah! Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming Here we go.
Kids: Z Rock! (rock music playing) Hey ââ¢Âª What do you wanna be? ââ¢Âª Whoo! - Whoo! - There were at least seven or eight random acts of violence in that song.
That's probably one of the most violent riffs I've heard in a long time.
Oh my God, we were in a pool of violence.
I mean, violence was pouring out of my frets.
A Civil War of violence, like the North and the South - fighting! Violence! - Dude! - Viva la violence! - Whoa! Whoa! Relax! We're killing this catch-phrase before it even catches on.
Is it me or is he being a little violent right now? - Guys, I have great news.
- You brought the violence.
- What? - Dave: I'm sorry.
- I brought a gig! - Wait, who has a gig? - ZO2 or Z Brothers? - Paulie: Good question.
- Z Brothers.
- Yeah, thank you.
Here we go.
- But listen - (rock music blaring) Wait a minute! Hear me out! Hello! Oh, that worked.
Great.
Okay.
I think you guys will like this 'cause it's really special.
It's a dream-come-true party for a sick kid.
(groans) It's gonna be a whole party of sick kids? I don't know if he has sick friends, but I'm guessing he probably does.
That's his wish, to have us? He wants a rock band.
He wants to rock it out on his birthday.
It might be his last one.
That's different than a random kid party because our music, now, will be like healing.
- You know what I mean? - Absolutely.
- So it's like a good deed.
It's good karma.
- Good attitude.
Thank you.
Love you.
Ooh, one more thing.
Do we care that this is a wrestling-themed party? Does that matter? Why didn't you say that from the beginning? - I love wrestling! - He's a fanatic.
- Wrestling junkie.
- Charity doesn't get you, - but wrestling lights your fire? - Of course! Oh, wait a second! You could be our wrestling manager! - Yeah! Diamond Dina! - Diamond Dina? Oh, I love that.
- We'll get you a megaphone.
- I love that.
We are gonna bring so much violence to this wrestling party, right? - Hey! - Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Wait, now that we have our wrestling manager, there's only one other thing we need.
Hey Jim Norton.
Hey tranny hooker.
Oh! Oh, no.
It's I'm I'm a band manager.
I'm on my way to a gig.
It's just kind of a costume whacky thing.
- You got any weed? - No.
A band manager with no pot? Well, my band doesn't smoke actually.
- They're kinda Jonasish.
- (groans) - But they have sex.
- Okay.
I'm just looking for some weed.
Do you know Marvin who used to live here? Up on the third floor Marvin, he was weird.
He was missing an arm, but he had the fucking best pot in town.
I've been standing here for an hour and 45 minutes.
- No one's come in or out.
- An hour and wow.
- Why do you have so much free time? - Yeah.
I would think you'd be writing jokes or something.
How is your representation? Who represents you? It's awful.
That's why I'm looking for pot.
I mean, I'm just I'm very frustrated.
I'm not getting what I'm supposed to have.
I want to do a graphic novel about a female police chief with a giant clit and they're like "Nobody will buy that.
- It's too weird.
" - Is it funny? 'Cause the big clit's funny No.
No, it's not funny.
It's compelling.
- Oh, okay.
I can see how it could be - Her problems with the uniform fitting, it's a whole it's not funny, no.
So you're interested in new representation.
I just wanted to get high, but I mean, um I don't know.
I mean, if the right offer came, maybe.
Let me buy you some some lunch - and let's talk.
- That'll work.
- All right, let's eat.
- All right.
I just have to call my band first.
Let me tell you right now, I don't care if we were the biggest rock stars in the world, this is what I want to do.
I've always wanted to be Joey-licious, the Italian Dream, baby! - (laughing) - I am the man of the hour, the tower of power, too sweet to be sour! How long did you practice that? What do you practice? I've been practicing since I'm five.
- What do you mean? - (phone ringing) Paulie: Oh wait, I got a phone call.
Hello.
- Hi, Paulie.
It's Dina.
- Hey, Dina.
I am so sorry, but I'm not gonna be able to make it today.
- Why not? - Well, I'm actually in the middle of having lunch with Jim Norton.
Keep the change, baby.
Delicious.
- Jeffrey! - Jimbo! - Jeffrey.
- (laughing) - How you doing, man? - Nice surprise, buddy.
- Sit man, sit.
I'm waiting for somebody.
- How are you, kid? I'm good.
How are you? I'm I'm high.
(laughing) Yeah.
Dude, it's perfect.
You gotta hook me up.
- Hook you up? Anything, buddy.
- Yeah, um, you got any? I don't have any on me.
- You always have pot on you.
- I have some in me.
Dude, just hook me up.
I know you got some.
Well, what do you wanna do, smell my clothes? - Thank you.
- Really? Hold on.
You're having lunch with Jim Norton the comedian? I'm actually considering managing Jim.
Whoa! You can't have another client.
I thought it was us and you.
That's the way it's always been.
I would still manage you, of course, baby.
It's just that he actually has his own radio show which would be an opportunity for ZO2.
Look, just promise that we'll always be the priority.
- I promise you.
- All right, can I get that in writing too? Put it in writing.
I'll sign it.
But I'm gonna have to have somebody look at it first.
(groans) All right, fine.
- Dina: Love ya.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Unbelievable.
- What happened? - She's not coming to the party.
- What?! Who's gonna be our wrestling manager today? Who's gonna announce us? - Calm down.
What the hell? - Jesus, dude.
Relax.
We'll find someone to be our manager.
- Thank you.
- What's wrong with you? - That's nice.
- Why would you do that? - I'm back.
- Oh, hi.
- Dina, you know Jeff Ross? - Hi, Dina.
I do know you.
How do I know you? (gasps) You're the roast guy! - (squeals) - What, were you raped by an ostrich? Oh, hilar always on, right? - Are comics always like this? - Yeah.
(laughs) I'm fucked up right now.
I gotta go find a stromboli - Love ya, kid.
- All right, Jeff.
- All right.
Good luck with everything.
- Good seeing you.
- Jim: What a douche.
- Dina: He's a little odd.
Listen, why don't you tell me what it is you're looking for in a manager? I know what I'm not looking for is what I have.
- Okay.
- Which is, uh a woman who's a flamboyant dresser, which is attention-seeking and irritating.
She's violent.
She throws punches, she throws shot glasses.
She's a whore.
She's fucked probably 80% of Hollywood and still can't get me an audition.
I hear you.
How do you feel about someone who's spiritual and maybe into yoga and New-Agey kind of things? Fuckin' sickens me.
It sickens me.
Well, Jimmy, I think we might have a deal 'cause none of that's me.
- Guys: Oh! - Oh my God! - This is a party, man.
- Look at this! - Guys! We got a ring! - That's sick! Oh my God.
I am definitely going off the top rope.
Joe, let's remember, this is a kid party - Listen, this is the closest for sick kids.
- Hey! Z Brothers! - Hey! This is the birthday boy Josh.
It's so great to have you here.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Hi, Josh, how are you? - Josh: Good.
- You good? Way to keep your spirits up.
- Paulie: You feel okay? - Yeah.
- Wow, he's really skinny, huh? - Yeah, we try to get him to eat, but - Yeah.
- Just doesn't stay on him.
- Nice pig.
- Oh, thank you.
This, by the way, is my mascot.
His name is Brisket.
- Isn't that cool? - Isn't brisket beef? Yeah.
Mother: Well, this really is a dream come true for us and for Josh.
Father: Yeah.
Hey, why don't you get up with the Z Brothers? I'll get you on tape.
Oh, this is great.
Are you ready to dance in the squared circle? Ha ha! Yes! Our wrestling manager has arrived! - Oh, yeah! - Dude, who are you supposed to be? Captain Lou Albano.
Cap Lou! You couldn't do something a little bit more current? Well, you guys look like you're getting ready to solve gay crimes.
What do you want from me? I did the best I could with what I had.
I really want to thank you.
You're making a dream come true today.
No, thank you.
Josh is so excited.
Ah, not Josh.
My dream's coming true.
I've been trying to get this guy's shirt off for years.
Look at that chest bush.
Mm! I gotta tell you, Jim Norton, I'm embarrassed to say I thought I was going to be dealing with some sort of deviant maniac.
And you are just a sensitive artist, aren't you? Jesus fucking Christ! There.
Does that feel hot? And where's our food? Who do I have to felch to get a tuna Nicoise salad in this shithouse?! - Hey! - Jim, this isn't funny.
Immigration! Come out with the food, please? - He's a comedian.
- Jesus Christ! - It's a joke.
- It's not a joke.
I hate this fuck! - Okay, calm down.
- Thank you! Hi.
Thank you.
Ah, there we go.
Food.
Where'd you get this, out of the dumpster behind a Planned Parenthood? - Would you eat that? - Okay, no You probably would.
You probably live under it.
That's shit! - Thank you.
He's sorry, Jim.
L - He's not sorry! He brought me the wrong thing! I'm hungry! All right, you know what, Jim? This is not gonna work out.
- Oh, you're gonna walk away from me? - You're obviously having some sort of like lack of medication or hormonal imbalance - No, I'm not! No, I'm not! - And I have my own hormonal problems.
- I can't - What, are you gonna walk out? You know what? Go.
Take your fuckin' Steven Tyler hat and fuckin' hit the bricks like everybody else.
My shit manager! I made that fuckin' bitch $418,000 last year! I get nothing! - $418,000 in commission? - Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your wrestlers? Kids: Yeah! Your first wrestler of the evening, from Italy, somewhere near the bottom of the boot.
Rumor has it, as a young boy, he was dropped into a vat of olive oil rendering him virtually unpinnable! The master of the garlic knot! Joey-licious! - (all cheering) - Yeah! (grunting) Here's my garlic knot! I am gonna bring so much grappling violence to all you little kids! - Oh! - Check out that spray-on tan! Your second wrestler of the evening I've been told that he was genetically engineered to have the perfect body.
Every woman wants him - and a couple of guys do too! - (kids cheering and booing) Make some noise for Champion Dave! Whoo! Come on, let's hear it! - (cheering) - Neil: The master of the pump and dump! Come on, guys! Pump and dump! AIl: Pump and dump! Pump and dump! - Don't try it at home though.
- Even I think that is semi-inappropriate! Are you guys ready for your last wrestler? (cheering, screaming) Yeah! Recently escaped from a hog-farm/insane asylum in the Adirondack Mountains a haircut that will terrify you and a smile that will make you want to open-mouth kiss him, everybody, the master of the pork belly Paul Pork Paulie! (screaming, cheering) (growls, laughs) Ah! Where's the birthday boy? - Right here! - Get over here! I'm gonna pull the pork right out of ya! - Ha ha! - (screaming, laughing) The Z Brothers! (cheering) Whoo! All right, everybody.
You guys know "The Hokey Pokey," right? - Kids: Yeah! - Okay.
We're gonna do our own version called "The Wrestle Pokey.
" Mr.
Joey-licious needs a volunteer to wrestle him.
- Whoo! - I do! I do! - Mom, Dad, is this okay? - You only live once.
Okay, let's go.
Here we go! You put your Left hand in You twist your left hand out - (Joey growling) - You get a headlock on And you shake him all about You do the wrestle pokey And you turn yourself around That's how you win the bout - Wrestle pokey! - (cheering) Wow! How fun was that? Guess what.
I got a surprise! - What? What what what what? - Introducing the best wrestler out there, the destroyer of legends Chris Jericho! (kids squealing, cheering) Chris: Hey! Hey, guys! Oh my God! - (squealing, cheering) - Hey! Oh my God! - Oh my God! - Chris: Hey! All right! Hey! High five! Okay, all right! Paulie: Where are you going? Are you all right? Joey: How am I gonna talk to him? I can't talk to him, right? I've never ever seen you act like this.
- You know how much I love the Yankees? - Yes.
- You know how much I love the Pope? - Yes.
Times that by 50 there's my love for Chris Jericho.
What am I supposed to do? The heart wants what it wants.
- Paulie: Okay.
- Get my phone, freak.
I gotta call Dina right now.
Oh my God, I gotta thank her for this day.
Whoo-hoo! And you know I am an incredibly loyal manager.
- (phone ringing) - Hold on one minute.
- What the fuck? - Hi, Joey.
Dina! You will never guess who's here.
- Chris Jericho.
- Chris Jericho, wow! - Yes, I know! - Chris Jericho? - Who said Chris Jericho? - Hold my my band Joey I'm looking at him right now.
He's right there.
- What's your name, little guy? - Neil: Actually, I was next.
Uh, it's Neil.
You know what, don't even put my name on it.
That's gonna kill the resale value anyway.
Just yeah, just your name's good.
That's illegible.
I'll take it.
You know those guys that were up there earlier? I'm kind of managing them and they would really dig it if they could meet you.
You're the manager of the Z Brothers? - L well, yeah, uh - You must be making the big bucks.
He's beautiful! How long have you been managing the band for? Aw, shit, hours now.
- Jim: I love Chris Jericho - Hey, l I gotta go.
He's coming I gotta go, Dina.
He's coming over here, guys.
He's coming.
- Hide Brisket! It's ridiculous! - No, I'm not hiding Brisket! - It's embarrassing - Hey! - (squeals) - Leave him! Leave him! Guys, look natural.
Look natural.
- Hey hey.
- Look who I brought.
- Hey! - How's it going? How you doing? These are the guys.
That's David, that's Paulie.
- Hi.
Hi, Chris.
How are you? - That's Joey.
- Nice to meet you.
- Chris: Your costumes are tremendous.
They really fit the spirit of the whole party.
- Thanks, man.
- I like the boa.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Very nice.
- What's your wrestling persona? - (grunts) Settle down, Joey.
He's not Sinatra.
I'm I'm Joey-licious, Joey-licious.
- Vicious Joey-licious! - Yes, Joey-licious.
You know, it's funny because I actually saw you guys - opening for KISS in Sheboygan.
- You've seen us live? Yeah, I thought you guys were tremendous.
The energy that you had, I mean, the the harmonies, the beats you were throwing down the beats.
Your drumming was you were great! - I'm the drummer.
- I know you're the drummer.
There was a little bit of an altercation in the crowd, a fracas.
There was a couple guys hanging around.
They were watching, not showing any respect.
I said "Hey! These guys are trying hard.
Give 'em some respect.
" They wouldn't, so I started throwing hands.
Really? You went to fisticuffs for ZO2?! - I beat up some fat bastards that night.
- Dave: Dude, thank you! - Oh my God.
- Can I ask you a question? - Chris: Please.
- What do you do for your bis? - Just try and do - What about the tights - like trying to hide the love handles? - You just pull them up higher.
- Right.
- And you also have to work out.
- That helps me.
- (all laughing) (Joey laughing loudly) Good one! You see, working out helps with the love handles.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah! - Listen, guys, I gotta cut right to the chase.
Are you guys doing another number for these kids? Yeah, we have our birthday song for him - "Blow It Hard.
" - Can I sit in with you guys? - Ah! Let me field this one, fellas? - Can I jam I don't really know if that's the sound we're looking for - Neil! Neil! - It's always Neil Chris! Chris! Chris! Yes, absolutely you can sit in with us.
- At a live concert? - Of course! I mean, there's gotta be about a dozen kids out there! - This is great.
- You're gonna do it? Yes! - Neil: Way to play hardball, over-anxious.
- Okay.
This is about 30 seconds past comfortable, guys.
Okay.
You were on the phone with a guy - who is at a place where Chris Jericho is? - Yeah, the pro wrestler.
I think he won one of those big belt things You're bullshitting me.
You understand that, all right, my one embarrassing thing is I'm a bit of a celebrity picture freak.
- I didn't know that.
- I got Ted Danson.
I got Piscopo.
I got Sally Struthers on a plane.
- Really? - She fell asleep and I made a fat face I took the shot.
The only guy I've been unable to get is Jericho.
I'll tell you what, I will take you to meet him right now if you consider signing with me as a client.
If you're not lying and you really can introduce me to Chris Jericho and get me a photo, I will absolutely begin to consider the outside possibility that I may someday sign with you.
That's good enough for me.
Here, let me take care of this.
- And - No, I'll take care of it, I'll take care of it.
- Thank you.
- Attention, nosy colostomy bags! I hope you all enjoyed the show! Fuck you! And by the way, if you did enjoy the show, you can catch me Monday through Friday on "The Opie and Anthony Show" weekdays 5:00 to 11:00.
And fuck you too, Randy Jackson! - Paulie: In the key of E - Chris: I got ya.
- You'll feel pure delight - There you go.
When you see the candles burn back to E.
- Bright.
- Right.
- Right, basically it.
Okay.
But why don't you guys just do "Happy Birthday"? I mean, why don't you just sing the song "Happy Birthday" to the kids? Yeah, why don't we just do "Happy Birthday"? There's a thing called royalties.
- I know what royalties are.
- Paulie: You know what okay.
- Yeah.
- So somebody wrote "Happy Birthday.
" So the problem is every time you play it, - you have to pay for it.
- It's copyright.
Oh, but that's only if it's on, like, TV or in the movies or something.
You guys are just playing for some kids.
Yeah, that's for TV.
Yeah, and movies.
Sometimes, the moms film it.
- Oh, so YouTube.
- Yeah.
- AIl: Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Joey: Oh yeah, YouTube! I mean, you know, we don't do covers.
- We're an original kid band.
- Original.
And your song "Blow It Hard" a little shout-out to the moms, right? - What do you mean? - It's kind of like double entendre, like sexual innuendo of blowing hard.
Like, you know, AC/DC-type lyric, like "Sink the Pink" or something like that, right? No, that was about sinking a ship.
- Back to the song.
It just goes - Take it from the top.
- That's musician speak, right? - Yeah! - Take it from the top! - All right.
Dina: Neil, this is Jim Norton.
Where's Chris Jericho? I want to meet Jericho.
Oh, no, he's in the back, man.
He's busy.
- What the fuck? - I can probably get you to meet him later - if you want though.
- Thanks.
- Neil: We've been talking a lot.
- I understand we got a sick kid here? Oh, yeah.
It's sad.
He's the little transparent one with the bedazzled stuff.
I'm gonna go over and cheer him up a little bit, make him laugh.
Dina: That's so nice.
You might want to get him before he starts bleeding.
You have office supplies on your face, by the way.
- Why is that on your face? - Oh, it's part of the character.
Don't ask me how it's stuck on.
And definitely don't ask that guy in the mustache how it's stuck on.
Oh, no rough-housing! Take it easy, kid.
He's sick.
Beat it.
Beat it.
Come on, birthday boy.
How you doing? You having fun? You look tired.
Are you tired? I understand the vomiting is the worst part of being as sick as you are.
But I also know they give you something for that.
I'll give you $75 for an eighth.
That's a great deal in any town.
Tough negotiator.
I like that.
I got $150 here.
I give it to you, you slip it in your pocket, nobody knows nothing.
You give me the bag.
What are you doing? I'm trying to negotiate.
Who are you? Uh, I'm his mother.
- Oh, hi.
I'll negotiate with you.
- Hi.
Look, I know this is kind of awkward, but uh, I was looking to buy a little bit of the, uh you know, the goods.
You know, the pot the medical pot, the good stuff- You're trying to buy marijuana from my seven-year-old son? Yeah yeah, buy it.
I'm not trying to rip him off.
I mean, I got money.
- Why would he have marijuana? - Well, he's sick.
Josh isn't sick.
He's perfectly healthy.
What are you talking about? I was told this is one of those dream come true parties for a sick kid.
It's a dream come true for Josh.
His father happens to make a lot of money, so he can afford to make Josh's dream come true which was the Z Brothers and Chris Jericho, who are here.
- He doesn't have cancer? - No, he doesn't have cancer.
Well, that sucks.
Never did I think I'd see the day where wrestling and rock 'n' roll would combine.
And that's probably because I never gave it that much thought.
Now, are you guys ready to "Blow It Hard" - with the birthday song? - (all cheering) It's your special day Everyone will sing and shout "Hurray!" You'll feel pure delight When you see the candles Burning bright On a cake so delish Close your eyes and make a wish And blow it hard Blow It Hard.
Paulie: Blow it hard, Josh! Blow it hard! (all cheering, squealing) Yay! - Wow.
- Hey! Isn't that awesome, guys? - Blow it hard! - Chris! Chris! Chris! Whoa, man! Wasn't that that was awesome! You really brought the violence to that song, man! Why would you say that? What do you mean, bring the violence? No! You destroyed that song with your violence! - You annihilated it! - Okay, listen.
I'm sorry that I screwed up your song.
I tried my best, man.
- No Chris, I mean - I'm sorry, okay? - I don't no no no no! you really brought the violence! - Yeah, sure, I get what you're saying! - No Listen, I don't need to take advice from a drummer in a kids' band.
- Okay? - Whoa.
Whoa.
- You don't even have a drum set.
- Well, I'm sorry - You've got a tambourine! - I'm sorry if a Canadian couldn't understand how I was talking.
Maybe I should say it in French.
- "A la" kick your ass! All right? - Okay, so you're a racist too.
I'm not racist.
I just don't like you anymore! - Really? You wanna fracas? - Yeah, you wanna throw hands? Let's go! - You gonna hit me with that schnozz? - Come on! Like a plantain stuck in the middle of your face! - You wanna go with Joey-licious? - My grandfather's watch don't want to get blood on it.
You wanna bring the violence? - Yeah, let's go! - (loud crack) - (screaming) - Chris! - Move out of the way! - Chris: Ow! - Give the man some air! - Chris: Who are you? - Are you a doctor? - No no.
Just a big fan.
- (screams) - Can you smile? - Friggin' asshole! Get away from me! - Smile! Chris: Don't touch my leg! Don't touch my leg! - Oh, those are great boots.
- (screams) - Chris: Son of a bitch! - The violence isn't supposed to end like this.
I'm really thinking about taking anger- management classes, you know that? - It's not a bad idea, Joey - Thank you.
Oh, this fuckin' idiot.
I said sprinkles! - Joey.
- (exhales) Yes.
- Good.
- Sorry, can I have some - sprinkles on this, please? - Oh, sure.
- Thank you so much.
- I think anger management's probably - probably a good idea.
- I just feel sick about what happened to Jericho.
I put that Joey-licious costume on and I got crazy.
I mean, it's a crime of a passion.
- Crime of passion? - Of course.
I don't know what to do with this body of mine.
It's I can't control it.
- It's too powerful.
- If you want to feel sorry for somebody, feel sorry for me.
Jim Norton won't even return my calls.
You know what it's like calling that little mollusk and he won't even pick up the phone now? So it's just you and us again, right? Dina: All my eggs in one basket.
You know what I realized, guys? That bringing the violence brings too much violence.
I ended that poor bastard's career.
What the hell is Chris Jericho gonna do now? Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce my retirement as an active pro wrestler.
(cameras clicking) I have crushed my fibia.
My bicep is torn.
I have problems with my lumbar region and my coccyx bone.
But they say hope springs eternal.
I want to look forward to the future.
And my future's so bright that I have to wear the proverbial shades, ladies and gentlemen because I am about to embark on my brand new career as a pro wrestling manager! - (crowd murmuring) - I believe that I have found the next huge superstar in this business.
He's the man of the hour, the man with the power, the man too sweet to be sour, ladies, please welcome Jim "The Animal" Norton! (roaring) (rock music playing) Man: One, two, three! Kids: Z Rock!
I'm over here bringing beautiful violence upon my biceps and you're doing that? Dude, it's P90X, man.
Are you nuts? I'm doing a workout over here that traces back to ancient times.
Gladiators used to do this in the blood-soaked sands of the Coliseum.
They used to bring beautiful ancient violence - upon their biceps! - Freak, what is with the "bring the violence"? You can't stop saying this stupid phrase.
I was at my cousin Charlie's last week he made it up.
I can't get it out of my mind.
It's infectious.
- What does it mean? - It's when you take all your power and you muster it into one thing.
Right now, I happen to be focusing on my biceps my beach muscle, baby.
- But it really applies to any situation.
- Oh, I think I get it.
I was actually with this smokin' hot blonde the other day, so close to sealing the deal.
Her boyfriend calls, screws up the whole thing.
Would it be safe to say that because of him I couldn't bring the violence upon her? "Unto" her.
It's "unto" someone else.
So wait.
Since Dave struck out, he went home, got himself some hand lotion and brought the violence upon himself? - (all laughing) - That's good.
That's funny.
- (loud snap) - (screams) Oh! - (siren blaring) - (engine starts) - (rock music playing) - We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah! Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming Here we go.
Kids: Z Rock! (rock music playing) Hey ââ¢Âª What do you wanna be? ââ¢Âª Whoo! - Whoo! - There were at least seven or eight random acts of violence in that song.
That's probably one of the most violent riffs I've heard in a long time.
Oh my God, we were in a pool of violence.
I mean, violence was pouring out of my frets.
A Civil War of violence, like the North and the South - fighting! Violence! - Dude! - Viva la violence! - Whoa! Whoa! Relax! We're killing this catch-phrase before it even catches on.
Is it me or is he being a little violent right now? - Guys, I have great news.
- You brought the violence.
- What? - Dave: I'm sorry.
- I brought a gig! - Wait, who has a gig? - ZO2 or Z Brothers? - Paulie: Good question.
- Z Brothers.
- Yeah, thank you.
Here we go.
- But listen - (rock music blaring) Wait a minute! Hear me out! Hello! Oh, that worked.
Great.
Okay.
I think you guys will like this 'cause it's really special.
It's a dream-come-true party for a sick kid.
(groans) It's gonna be a whole party of sick kids? I don't know if he has sick friends, but I'm guessing he probably does.
That's his wish, to have us? He wants a rock band.
He wants to rock it out on his birthday.
It might be his last one.
That's different than a random kid party because our music, now, will be like healing.
- You know what I mean? - Absolutely.
- So it's like a good deed.
It's good karma.
- Good attitude.
Thank you.
Love you.
Ooh, one more thing.
Do we care that this is a wrestling-themed party? Does that matter? Why didn't you say that from the beginning? - I love wrestling! - He's a fanatic.
- Wrestling junkie.
- Charity doesn't get you, - but wrestling lights your fire? - Of course! Oh, wait a second! You could be our wrestling manager! - Yeah! Diamond Dina! - Diamond Dina? Oh, I love that.
- We'll get you a megaphone.
- I love that.
We are gonna bring so much violence to this wrestling party, right? - Hey! - Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Wait, now that we have our wrestling manager, there's only one other thing we need.
Hey Jim Norton.
Hey tranny hooker.
Oh! Oh, no.
It's I'm I'm a band manager.
I'm on my way to a gig.
It's just kind of a costume whacky thing.
- You got any weed? - No.
A band manager with no pot? Well, my band doesn't smoke actually.
- They're kinda Jonasish.
- (groans) - But they have sex.
- Okay.
I'm just looking for some weed.
Do you know Marvin who used to live here? Up on the third floor Marvin, he was weird.
He was missing an arm, but he had the fucking best pot in town.
I've been standing here for an hour and 45 minutes.
- No one's come in or out.
- An hour and wow.
- Why do you have so much free time? - Yeah.
I would think you'd be writing jokes or something.
How is your representation? Who represents you? It's awful.
That's why I'm looking for pot.
I mean, I'm just I'm very frustrated.
I'm not getting what I'm supposed to have.
I want to do a graphic novel about a female police chief with a giant clit and they're like "Nobody will buy that.
- It's too weird.
" - Is it funny? 'Cause the big clit's funny No.
No, it's not funny.
It's compelling.
- Oh, okay.
I can see how it could be - Her problems with the uniform fitting, it's a whole it's not funny, no.
So you're interested in new representation.
I just wanted to get high, but I mean, um I don't know.
I mean, if the right offer came, maybe.
Let me buy you some some lunch - and let's talk.
- That'll work.
- All right, let's eat.
- All right.
I just have to call my band first.
Let me tell you right now, I don't care if we were the biggest rock stars in the world, this is what I want to do.
I've always wanted to be Joey-licious, the Italian Dream, baby! - (laughing) - I am the man of the hour, the tower of power, too sweet to be sour! How long did you practice that? What do you practice? I've been practicing since I'm five.
- What do you mean? - (phone ringing) Paulie: Oh wait, I got a phone call.
Hello.
- Hi, Paulie.
It's Dina.
- Hey, Dina.
I am so sorry, but I'm not gonna be able to make it today.
- Why not? - Well, I'm actually in the middle of having lunch with Jim Norton.
Keep the change, baby.
Delicious.
- Jeffrey! - Jimbo! - Jeffrey.
- (laughing) - How you doing, man? - Nice surprise, buddy.
- Sit man, sit.
I'm waiting for somebody.
- How are you, kid? I'm good.
How are you? I'm I'm high.
(laughing) Yeah.
Dude, it's perfect.
You gotta hook me up.
- Hook you up? Anything, buddy.
- Yeah, um, you got any? I don't have any on me.
- You always have pot on you.
- I have some in me.
Dude, just hook me up.
I know you got some.
Well, what do you wanna do, smell my clothes? - Thank you.
- Really? Hold on.
You're having lunch with Jim Norton the comedian? I'm actually considering managing Jim.
Whoa! You can't have another client.
I thought it was us and you.
That's the way it's always been.
I would still manage you, of course, baby.
It's just that he actually has his own radio show which would be an opportunity for ZO2.
Look, just promise that we'll always be the priority.
- I promise you.
- All right, can I get that in writing too? Put it in writing.
I'll sign it.
But I'm gonna have to have somebody look at it first.
(groans) All right, fine.
- Dina: Love ya.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Unbelievable.
- What happened? - She's not coming to the party.
- What?! Who's gonna be our wrestling manager today? Who's gonna announce us? - Calm down.
What the hell? - Jesus, dude.
Relax.
We'll find someone to be our manager.
- Thank you.
- What's wrong with you? - That's nice.
- Why would you do that? - I'm back.
- Oh, hi.
- Dina, you know Jeff Ross? - Hi, Dina.
I do know you.
How do I know you? (gasps) You're the roast guy! - (squeals) - What, were you raped by an ostrich? Oh, hilar always on, right? - Are comics always like this? - Yeah.
(laughs) I'm fucked up right now.
I gotta go find a stromboli - Love ya, kid.
- All right, Jeff.
- All right.
Good luck with everything.
- Good seeing you.
- Jim: What a douche.
- Dina: He's a little odd.
Listen, why don't you tell me what it is you're looking for in a manager? I know what I'm not looking for is what I have.
- Okay.
- Which is, uh a woman who's a flamboyant dresser, which is attention-seeking and irritating.
She's violent.
She throws punches, she throws shot glasses.
She's a whore.
She's fucked probably 80% of Hollywood and still can't get me an audition.
I hear you.
How do you feel about someone who's spiritual and maybe into yoga and New-Agey kind of things? Fuckin' sickens me.
It sickens me.
Well, Jimmy, I think we might have a deal 'cause none of that's me.
- Guys: Oh! - Oh my God! - This is a party, man.
- Look at this! - Guys! We got a ring! - That's sick! Oh my God.
I am definitely going off the top rope.
Joe, let's remember, this is a kid party - Listen, this is the closest for sick kids.
- Hey! Z Brothers! - Hey! This is the birthday boy Josh.
It's so great to have you here.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Hi, Josh, how are you? - Josh: Good.
- You good? Way to keep your spirits up.
- Paulie: You feel okay? - Yeah.
- Wow, he's really skinny, huh? - Yeah, we try to get him to eat, but - Yeah.
- Just doesn't stay on him.
- Nice pig.
- Oh, thank you.
This, by the way, is my mascot.
His name is Brisket.
- Isn't that cool? - Isn't brisket beef? Yeah.
Mother: Well, this really is a dream come true for us and for Josh.
Father: Yeah.
Hey, why don't you get up with the Z Brothers? I'll get you on tape.
Oh, this is great.
Are you ready to dance in the squared circle? Ha ha! Yes! Our wrestling manager has arrived! - Oh, yeah! - Dude, who are you supposed to be? Captain Lou Albano.
Cap Lou! You couldn't do something a little bit more current? Well, you guys look like you're getting ready to solve gay crimes.
What do you want from me? I did the best I could with what I had.
I really want to thank you.
You're making a dream come true today.
No, thank you.
Josh is so excited.
Ah, not Josh.
My dream's coming true.
I've been trying to get this guy's shirt off for years.
Look at that chest bush.
Mm! I gotta tell you, Jim Norton, I'm embarrassed to say I thought I was going to be dealing with some sort of deviant maniac.
And you are just a sensitive artist, aren't you? Jesus fucking Christ! There.
Does that feel hot? And where's our food? Who do I have to felch to get a tuna Nicoise salad in this shithouse?! - Hey! - Jim, this isn't funny.
Immigration! Come out with the food, please? - He's a comedian.
- Jesus Christ! - It's a joke.
- It's not a joke.
I hate this fuck! - Okay, calm down.
- Thank you! Hi.
Thank you.
Ah, there we go.
Food.
Where'd you get this, out of the dumpster behind a Planned Parenthood? - Would you eat that? - Okay, no You probably would.
You probably live under it.
That's shit! - Thank you.
He's sorry, Jim.
L - He's not sorry! He brought me the wrong thing! I'm hungry! All right, you know what, Jim? This is not gonna work out.
- Oh, you're gonna walk away from me? - You're obviously having some sort of like lack of medication or hormonal imbalance - No, I'm not! No, I'm not! - And I have my own hormonal problems.
- I can't - What, are you gonna walk out? You know what? Go.
Take your fuckin' Steven Tyler hat and fuckin' hit the bricks like everybody else.
My shit manager! I made that fuckin' bitch $418,000 last year! I get nothing! - $418,000 in commission? - Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your wrestlers? Kids: Yeah! Your first wrestler of the evening, from Italy, somewhere near the bottom of the boot.
Rumor has it, as a young boy, he was dropped into a vat of olive oil rendering him virtually unpinnable! The master of the garlic knot! Joey-licious! - (all cheering) - Yeah! (grunting) Here's my garlic knot! I am gonna bring so much grappling violence to all you little kids! - Oh! - Check out that spray-on tan! Your second wrestler of the evening I've been told that he was genetically engineered to have the perfect body.
Every woman wants him - and a couple of guys do too! - (kids cheering and booing) Make some noise for Champion Dave! Whoo! Come on, let's hear it! - (cheering) - Neil: The master of the pump and dump! Come on, guys! Pump and dump! AIl: Pump and dump! Pump and dump! - Don't try it at home though.
- Even I think that is semi-inappropriate! Are you guys ready for your last wrestler? (cheering, screaming) Yeah! Recently escaped from a hog-farm/insane asylum in the Adirondack Mountains a haircut that will terrify you and a smile that will make you want to open-mouth kiss him, everybody, the master of the pork belly Paul Pork Paulie! (screaming, cheering) (growls, laughs) Ah! Where's the birthday boy? - Right here! - Get over here! I'm gonna pull the pork right out of ya! - Ha ha! - (screaming, laughing) The Z Brothers! (cheering) Whoo! All right, everybody.
You guys know "The Hokey Pokey," right? - Kids: Yeah! - Okay.
We're gonna do our own version called "The Wrestle Pokey.
" Mr.
Joey-licious needs a volunteer to wrestle him.
- Whoo! - I do! I do! - Mom, Dad, is this okay? - You only live once.
Okay, let's go.
Here we go! You put your Left hand in You twist your left hand out - (Joey growling) - You get a headlock on And you shake him all about You do the wrestle pokey And you turn yourself around That's how you win the bout - Wrestle pokey! - (cheering) Wow! How fun was that? Guess what.
I got a surprise! - What? What what what what? - Introducing the best wrestler out there, the destroyer of legends Chris Jericho! (kids squealing, cheering) Chris: Hey! Hey, guys! Oh my God! - (squealing, cheering) - Hey! Oh my God! - Oh my God! - Chris: Hey! All right! Hey! High five! Okay, all right! Paulie: Where are you going? Are you all right? Joey: How am I gonna talk to him? I can't talk to him, right? I've never ever seen you act like this.
- You know how much I love the Yankees? - Yes.
- You know how much I love the Pope? - Yes.
Times that by 50 there's my love for Chris Jericho.
What am I supposed to do? The heart wants what it wants.
- Paulie: Okay.
- Get my phone, freak.
I gotta call Dina right now.
Oh my God, I gotta thank her for this day.
Whoo-hoo! And you know I am an incredibly loyal manager.
- (phone ringing) - Hold on one minute.
- What the fuck? - Hi, Joey.
Dina! You will never guess who's here.
- Chris Jericho.
- Chris Jericho, wow! - Yes, I know! - Chris Jericho? - Who said Chris Jericho? - Hold my my band Joey I'm looking at him right now.
He's right there.
- What's your name, little guy? - Neil: Actually, I was next.
Uh, it's Neil.
You know what, don't even put my name on it.
That's gonna kill the resale value anyway.
Just yeah, just your name's good.
That's illegible.
I'll take it.
You know those guys that were up there earlier? I'm kind of managing them and they would really dig it if they could meet you.
You're the manager of the Z Brothers? - L well, yeah, uh - You must be making the big bucks.
He's beautiful! How long have you been managing the band for? Aw, shit, hours now.
- Jim: I love Chris Jericho - Hey, l I gotta go.
He's coming I gotta go, Dina.
He's coming over here, guys.
He's coming.
- Hide Brisket! It's ridiculous! - No, I'm not hiding Brisket! - It's embarrassing - Hey! - (squeals) - Leave him! Leave him! Guys, look natural.
Look natural.
- Hey hey.
- Look who I brought.
- Hey! - How's it going? How you doing? These are the guys.
That's David, that's Paulie.
- Hi.
Hi, Chris.
How are you? - That's Joey.
- Nice to meet you.
- Chris: Your costumes are tremendous.
They really fit the spirit of the whole party.
- Thanks, man.
- I like the boa.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Very nice.
- What's your wrestling persona? - (grunts) Settle down, Joey.
He's not Sinatra.
I'm I'm Joey-licious, Joey-licious.
- Vicious Joey-licious! - Yes, Joey-licious.
You know, it's funny because I actually saw you guys - opening for KISS in Sheboygan.
- You've seen us live? Yeah, I thought you guys were tremendous.
The energy that you had, I mean, the the harmonies, the beats you were throwing down the beats.
Your drumming was you were great! - I'm the drummer.
- I know you're the drummer.
There was a little bit of an altercation in the crowd, a fracas.
There was a couple guys hanging around.
They were watching, not showing any respect.
I said "Hey! These guys are trying hard.
Give 'em some respect.
" They wouldn't, so I started throwing hands.
Really? You went to fisticuffs for ZO2?! - I beat up some fat bastards that night.
- Dave: Dude, thank you! - Oh my God.
- Can I ask you a question? - Chris: Please.
- What do you do for your bis? - Just try and do - What about the tights - like trying to hide the love handles? - You just pull them up higher.
- Right.
- And you also have to work out.
- That helps me.
- (all laughing) (Joey laughing loudly) Good one! You see, working out helps with the love handles.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah! - Listen, guys, I gotta cut right to the chase.
Are you guys doing another number for these kids? Yeah, we have our birthday song for him - "Blow It Hard.
" - Can I sit in with you guys? - Ah! Let me field this one, fellas? - Can I jam I don't really know if that's the sound we're looking for - Neil! Neil! - It's always Neil Chris! Chris! Chris! Yes, absolutely you can sit in with us.
- At a live concert? - Of course! I mean, there's gotta be about a dozen kids out there! - This is great.
- You're gonna do it? Yes! - Neil: Way to play hardball, over-anxious.
- Okay.
This is about 30 seconds past comfortable, guys.
Okay.
You were on the phone with a guy - who is at a place where Chris Jericho is? - Yeah, the pro wrestler.
I think he won one of those big belt things You're bullshitting me.
You understand that, all right, my one embarrassing thing is I'm a bit of a celebrity picture freak.
- I didn't know that.
- I got Ted Danson.
I got Piscopo.
I got Sally Struthers on a plane.
- Really? - She fell asleep and I made a fat face I took the shot.
The only guy I've been unable to get is Jericho.
I'll tell you what, I will take you to meet him right now if you consider signing with me as a client.
If you're not lying and you really can introduce me to Chris Jericho and get me a photo, I will absolutely begin to consider the outside possibility that I may someday sign with you.
That's good enough for me.
Here, let me take care of this.
- And - No, I'll take care of it, I'll take care of it.
- Thank you.
- Attention, nosy colostomy bags! I hope you all enjoyed the show! Fuck you! And by the way, if you did enjoy the show, you can catch me Monday through Friday on "The Opie and Anthony Show" weekdays 5:00 to 11:00.
And fuck you too, Randy Jackson! - Paulie: In the key of E - Chris: I got ya.
- You'll feel pure delight - There you go.
When you see the candles burn back to E.
- Bright.
- Right.
- Right, basically it.
Okay.
But why don't you guys just do "Happy Birthday"? I mean, why don't you just sing the song "Happy Birthday" to the kids? Yeah, why don't we just do "Happy Birthday"? There's a thing called royalties.
- I know what royalties are.
- Paulie: You know what okay.
- Yeah.
- So somebody wrote "Happy Birthday.
" So the problem is every time you play it, - you have to pay for it.
- It's copyright.
Oh, but that's only if it's on, like, TV or in the movies or something.
You guys are just playing for some kids.
Yeah, that's for TV.
Yeah, and movies.
Sometimes, the moms film it.
- Oh, so YouTube.
- Yeah.
- AIl: Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Joey: Oh yeah, YouTube! I mean, you know, we don't do covers.
- We're an original kid band.
- Original.
And your song "Blow It Hard" a little shout-out to the moms, right? - What do you mean? - It's kind of like double entendre, like sexual innuendo of blowing hard.
Like, you know, AC/DC-type lyric, like "Sink the Pink" or something like that, right? No, that was about sinking a ship.
- Back to the song.
It just goes - Take it from the top.
- That's musician speak, right? - Yeah! - Take it from the top! - All right.
Dina: Neil, this is Jim Norton.
Where's Chris Jericho? I want to meet Jericho.
Oh, no, he's in the back, man.
He's busy.
- What the fuck? - I can probably get you to meet him later - if you want though.
- Thanks.
- Neil: We've been talking a lot.
- I understand we got a sick kid here? Oh, yeah.
It's sad.
He's the little transparent one with the bedazzled stuff.
I'm gonna go over and cheer him up a little bit, make him laugh.
Dina: That's so nice.
You might want to get him before he starts bleeding.
You have office supplies on your face, by the way.
- Why is that on your face? - Oh, it's part of the character.
Don't ask me how it's stuck on.
And definitely don't ask that guy in the mustache how it's stuck on.
Oh, no rough-housing! Take it easy, kid.
He's sick.
Beat it.
Beat it.
Come on, birthday boy.
How you doing? You having fun? You look tired.
Are you tired? I understand the vomiting is the worst part of being as sick as you are.
But I also know they give you something for that.
I'll give you $75 for an eighth.
That's a great deal in any town.
Tough negotiator.
I like that.
I got $150 here.
I give it to you, you slip it in your pocket, nobody knows nothing.
You give me the bag.
What are you doing? I'm trying to negotiate.
Who are you? Uh, I'm his mother.
- Oh, hi.
I'll negotiate with you.
- Hi.
Look, I know this is kind of awkward, but uh, I was looking to buy a little bit of the, uh you know, the goods.
You know, the pot the medical pot, the good stuff- You're trying to buy marijuana from my seven-year-old son? Yeah yeah, buy it.
I'm not trying to rip him off.
I mean, I got money.
- Why would he have marijuana? - Well, he's sick.
Josh isn't sick.
He's perfectly healthy.
What are you talking about? I was told this is one of those dream come true parties for a sick kid.
It's a dream come true for Josh.
His father happens to make a lot of money, so he can afford to make Josh's dream come true which was the Z Brothers and Chris Jericho, who are here.
- He doesn't have cancer? - No, he doesn't have cancer.
Well, that sucks.
Never did I think I'd see the day where wrestling and rock 'n' roll would combine.
And that's probably because I never gave it that much thought.
Now, are you guys ready to "Blow It Hard" - with the birthday song? - (all cheering) It's your special day Everyone will sing and shout "Hurray!" You'll feel pure delight When you see the candles Burning bright On a cake so delish Close your eyes and make a wish And blow it hard Blow It Hard.
Paulie: Blow it hard, Josh! Blow it hard! (all cheering, squealing) Yay! - Wow.
- Hey! Isn't that awesome, guys? - Blow it hard! - Chris! Chris! Chris! Whoa, man! Wasn't that that was awesome! You really brought the violence to that song, man! Why would you say that? What do you mean, bring the violence? No! You destroyed that song with your violence! - You annihilated it! - Okay, listen.
I'm sorry that I screwed up your song.
I tried my best, man.
- No Chris, I mean - I'm sorry, okay? - I don't no no no no! you really brought the violence! - Yeah, sure, I get what you're saying! - No Listen, I don't need to take advice from a drummer in a kids' band.
- Okay? - Whoa.
Whoa.
- You don't even have a drum set.
- Well, I'm sorry - You've got a tambourine! - I'm sorry if a Canadian couldn't understand how I was talking.
Maybe I should say it in French.
- "A la" kick your ass! All right? - Okay, so you're a racist too.
I'm not racist.
I just don't like you anymore! - Really? You wanna fracas? - Yeah, you wanna throw hands? Let's go! - You gonna hit me with that schnozz? - Come on! Like a plantain stuck in the middle of your face! - You wanna go with Joey-licious? - My grandfather's watch don't want to get blood on it.
You wanna bring the violence? - Yeah, let's go! - (loud crack) - (screaming) - Chris! - Move out of the way! - Chris: Ow! - Give the man some air! - Chris: Who are you? - Are you a doctor? - No no.
Just a big fan.
- (screams) - Can you smile? - Friggin' asshole! Get away from me! - Smile! Chris: Don't touch my leg! Don't touch my leg! - Oh, those are great boots.
- (screams) - Chris: Son of a bitch! - The violence isn't supposed to end like this.
I'm really thinking about taking anger- management classes, you know that? - It's not a bad idea, Joey - Thank you.
Oh, this fuckin' idiot.
I said sprinkles! - Joey.
- (exhales) Yes.
- Good.
- Sorry, can I have some - sprinkles on this, please? - Oh, sure.
- Thank you so much.
- I think anger management's probably - probably a good idea.
- I just feel sick about what happened to Jericho.
I put that Joey-licious costume on and I got crazy.
I mean, it's a crime of a passion.
- Crime of passion? - Of course.
I don't know what to do with this body of mine.
It's I can't control it.
- It's too powerful.
- If you want to feel sorry for somebody, feel sorry for me.
Jim Norton won't even return my calls.
You know what it's like calling that little mollusk and he won't even pick up the phone now? So it's just you and us again, right? Dina: All my eggs in one basket.
You know what I realized, guys? That bringing the violence brings too much violence.
I ended that poor bastard's career.
What the hell is Chris Jericho gonna do now? Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce my retirement as an active pro wrestler.
(cameras clicking) I have crushed my fibia.
My bicep is torn.
I have problems with my lumbar region and my coccyx bone.
But they say hope springs eternal.
I want to look forward to the future.
And my future's so bright that I have to wear the proverbial shades, ladies and gentlemen because I am about to embark on my brand new career as a pro wrestling manager! - (crowd murmuring) - I believe that I have found the next huge superstar in this business.
He's the man of the hour, the man with the power, the man too sweet to be sour, ladies, please welcome Jim "The Animal" Norton! (roaring) (rock music playing) Man: One, two, three! Kids: Z Rock!