According To Jim s02e07 Episode Script

Cheryl? Cheryl, where's the good ice cream? You know, the stuff we don't share with the kids? It's behind the Brussels sprouts.
Oh! There it is.
Okay.
Spoons.
Spoons.
We have lived here seven years and you don't know where the spoons are? I know where the spoons are.
Oh.
Are you sure? Really? The ice cream is melting.
Oh, damn! Coupon drawer.
I swear, the silverware was in that drawer yesterday.
Yeah, Jim.
A magical elf came and moved the spoons.
(LAUGHS) (GRUMBLING) Think he'll ever catch on? Oh, please! He still thinks that's the good ice cream.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! (PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING HELLO OPERATOR) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! (SHOUTING) Hey! Honey? What? Do you really think this is appropriate? Oh, that's the beautiful thing about this song, it sounds like you're gonna say something dirty, but you never do.
All right, girls.
Your lunch is ready in the kitchen.
Good work, girls.
Your attention, please.
I have an announcement.
Something bouncy, maestro! (SINGING HELLO OPERATOR) Uh, no! You guys are not gonna believe this.
Not only am I not gonna believe it, I won't care! I am going to be on national TV.
What? Yes! I'm going to be on The Bachelor , that reality show! (EXCLAIMING) The Bachelor? The one where 25 gorgeous women fight over one slick-haired pretty boy? Yeah, that's reality.
I can't believe it.
I know! I just applied for fun and I got picked.
Oh! This is so exciting! Oh, I should have applied.
Oh, right.
You see, the way I see it, it's like my own personal infomercial, either I get the bachelor or I get asked out by a hundred guys who saw me on the show.
Yeah.
You'll get fan letters from prisons in all 50 states.
(LAUGHING) Dana, don't listen to him.
You are smart, confident, ambitious Honey, have you seen the show? Yeah.
The guy picks the girl.
Smart, confident, ambitious equals high maintenance, thanks for playing.
What do you know about The Bachelor? Enough to know if you wanna be a contestant, you should enroll in the Jim School of Seducing a Man.
Is that anything like Jim's School of Holding Your Liquor? Because that didn't go so well at the Hannigan wedding.
(LAUGHS) Cheryl, if they didn't want people swimming in that pool, they should have covered it.
They did.
Dana, I am serious.
You can win this thing.
You've got to make the bachelor feel like he's bigger than he thinks he is.
Hmm.
If he thinks he's smart, make him think he's brilliant.
If he's funny, make him feel hysterical.
If he's a pompous windbag, make him think you're listening? Exactly! Now, this goes for all men, and when you feel like you're getting in trouble, talk about his mother.
They love their mothers.
And if he likes his mother, be like her.
You know, that is true, Dana.
That's why you see me walking around in my housecoat and curlers smoking a Pall Mall.
Cheryl, come on! When we first met, you did all that girlish stuff.
You laughed at everything I said.
Oh, honey, that's different.
I genuinely thought you were funny.
You know, then.
And you know, I wasn't trying to win a contest.
But you did.
You won a lifetime supply of stud.
Oh, honey! I don't know if I'd say "won.
" Yeah, or "stud.
" Jim, you're telling her to be something she's not.
Well, it's not like guys are banging down the door to get to the real Dana.
He makes a good point.
Oh, I'm sorry, Andy, I forget.
When was your last date? No shortage of good points today.
My first impression of Dana was, you know, she was really cute.
So, anyway, I'm in advertising.
You know those commercials for the American Bread Council? Mine.
So, you know, if all goes well, I should be partner by May of 2003.
RICK: But as we started talking Well, as she started talking, I began to realize that we just weren't clicking.
I just think that some governments exploit their people.
I mean, sure.
You can put a Band-Aid on it and say that you don't care Um, excuse me, Dana? Hmm? This has been really educational.
Uh, but it's getting late.
We should head back.
But what about that walk we were gonna take by the river? I think they closed that river.
Could you take us home? High maintenance, thanks for playing.
Hmm.
(ENGINE STARTING) Wait.
Wait! Hmm? You know what? I have been talking about myself this entire time.
(BOTH LAUGH) Let's talk about you.
What's your mom like? Oh, my mom? Yeah.
She's great.
She thinks I'm really funny.
Uh-huh.
She loves my Peter Jennings impression.
"Good evening, I'm Peter Jennings.
" (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! That is just like watching the news.
We got off to a rough start.
But once I saw her real personality, I was hooked.
Well, did you make the cut? Oh! You made it! Yes.
I'm so happy for you.
I know! GIRLS: Yay! And get this, this is so cool.
Rick is coming here tomorrow night to have dinner with you guys, (EXCLAIMING) Oh! my family, with a film crew.
(EXCLAIMS) We're gonna be on TV! Oh, go! Go clean your rooms! Honey! Honey! My house is going to be on television.
(GASPS) So is my butt! Honey, there is no TV crew gonna be traipsing through my house stealing all our valuables.
You mean your glass collection from Chevron? Cheryl, you don't get it.
Nobody has all eight.
It's not happening.
Jim No, Cheryl.
Jim's right.
I mean, who needs a catering table with five different kinds of pies? Five? Well, it could be a good experience for the girls, you know.
And, Cheryl, they're bringing a stylist to redo the whole house for the night.
Oh, that's so great.
Maybe they can put in really big furniture to make my butt look smaller.
You guys are going to love Rick.
He's just so great and he's so into me.
Oh! Oh! Do you hear that, Professor? Rick is into a smart, confident woman.
Ha! Yeah, about that.
Um What? Well What? I tried to be myself, Cheryl.
But he was losing interest.
And? And it was just easier to do it Jim's way.
Oh! Well, well, well, well, well, well, well! Looks like we have another transfer student to the University of Jim.
Please stop by the library to pick up your copy of the fight song.
(LAUGHS) You should have seen him, Cheryl.
I mean, his eyes lit up.
I couldn't bear to be myself.
(JIM LAUGHING) So, you'd rather have an entire relationship based on a lie? Well, if it makes me happy, why not? I mean, I really like this guy, Cheryl.
I like him a lot.
Interesting! After an entire lifetime of you playing matchmaker to Dana, I'm the one who gets her a husband.
Isn't that a delicious enigma? You know, Jim, if I sculpted a man out of crap, he wouldn't be more full of crap than you are right now.
Oh, excuse me, would you please put those flowers on top of the piano? Thanks so much.
(EXCLAIMING) I am in love with these throw pillows.
Can I have them? (LAUGHS) Kidding.
I love this.
It's like being married to a rich guy.
Oh! Honey, we're rich in many ways.
Like our love.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you all miked up? That's what we say in the biz.
Ah! My latte.
Yeah.
Cold.
Chad? Can you do me a favor and run this over to 10 minutes ago, when I wanted it? Okay, you guys, how do I look? I mean, I know I look great.
But I'm still really nervous.
I just really need this night to go well.
Wish me luck.
You know what? A graduate of the University of Jim, they make their own luck.
Thank you, Jim.
(LAUGHING) Oh.
Well, Andy, do they give out a Nobel Prize for love? Because I humbly accept.
Jim, put on your headphones.
I can hear the bachelor out on the porch.
JIM: Oh, cool.
This Dana chick, she laughs at all my jokes.
She thinks I'm a genius.
It's too easy.
Tonight is going to be the perfect one-night stand and then, tomorrow, I dump her on the show.
Oh, man.
This is unbelievable.
What a creep.
How can people be so cruel? Chad? Yeah See my hand? Guess what's not it? A hot latte! Come on.
Let's go teach this slick-haired, pretty-boy bachelor a lesson.
No! No! We can't beat up a guy on national TV.
We learned that at the Saint Patrick's Day parade.
Okay.
Let's tell Dana.
No, we don't tell Dana.
Dana tells Cheryl, Cheryl discredits the School of Jim, and a great institution of learning tumbles down.
Well, we've got to do something.
We can't let him sleep with her.
What would make a guy not want to sleep with a beautiful available woman? (DOORBELL RINGING) (ALL GREETING) Hello! Hi, Rick, I'm Cheryl.
He's so cute.
I know, let him go.
Oh.
Wow, you have a beautiful home, Cheryl.
Oh, thank you! Jim and I got this vase in Italy, when we were yachting.
These are our children, Gracie and Ruby.
We got them from Cheryl at Franklin General.
Hi, girls.
Are you gonna marry Aunt Dana? If I told you, you wouldn't watch the show.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
Wait till you guys see this.
Do your Peter Jennings.
All right.
Good evening, I'm Peter Jennings.
(LAUGHS) It's go time.
Why don't we all have a seat? Yes! Yes, let's.
Come on in.
Here, let me get your coat for you, Rick.
Dana's a whack job.
Run.
I hope Rick's ready, 'cause I have some pretty tough questions for him.
Do you like pot roast? No, I don't like it.
I love it.
Well, I'm just going to take our soup terrine back into the kitchen.
We got it in Wales while we were yachting.
You know, honey, I missed that trip.
Remember? I was big-game hunting in Africa with Nelson Mandela.
Well, I'll help you with your entree.
I'll be right back, cutie pie.
Well Boy, those mushrooms just shoot right through you, huh? Yeah.
Time for me to go to the can.
How about you, Rick? I think I'm good.
What he's saying, Rick, is that you'd be real smart to get in there before him.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) You guys realize there are cameras here, right? Oh, yes! I think it's good advice for the entire country.
Shall we? Come on in.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Hey! A little privacy.
A little privacy.
Okay.
I think I can pretty much take it from here.
Have a seat.
(STAMMERS) Look, I think everyone here in this room loves Dana.
That's right.
We wouldn't want anything to happen to her.
Mmm-mmm.
But, when it comes to men, she's A complete psycho.
Out of her freaking mind.
Okay, now you didn't hear this from us, all right? But a while back, she was dating this guy that she was crazy about.
He sleeps with her once, then dumps her.
Okay, she gets all obsessed.
Calls him at all hours of the night.
Drives by his house, steals his mail.
She joined his mother's canasta club.
Okay, the guy finally moves away to Bali.
Four years later, he gets married, comes out of the church with his bride, in Bali, gets into the limo and guess who's driving? Dana? Dana, wow! She is so complex.
I'm beginning to think that I'm not good enough for her.
In fact, I know I'm not.
I'm not.
So, Rick, do you plan to stay in the Chicago area, 'cause, you know, Dana is a real Chicago girl.
Um, well, no.
I like to move all over the place.
Oh! Well, don't worry, I'll follow you anywhere.
Just try and lose me.
Rick, come on, sit down next to me.
I don't bite.
For the love of God, do what she says.
No, really, I'm fine over here.
Say, Rick, looks like you need a little ice in your drink.
Dana, do you mind? Oh! She loves her ice pick.
I do.
I really do.
Okay, that's great.
But I think I should be heading out.
Uh What? But wait a minute, you're meeting my family.
Dana, hand me the ice pick.
Nice and easy.
We all love you.
This has been really fun, but I've gotta go.
Oh, but you can't go! Dana, you are really nice and sane and everything.
Back off! What But we're perfect for each other.
So, uh, what night is this gonna show on TV? All right, all right, all right.
Shut that off.
Show's over.
Over.
What happened? I don't know.
It was going so well, then you and I went into the kitchen and the guys were out in the dining room Excuse me.
Did you see his face with the ice pick? Oh, that was brilliant.
I just made that up.
(EXCLAIMING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Jim, honey, hi.
(LAUGHS) Hi.
Are you responsible for this? Well, I think you have to define "responsible.
" Okay.
Andy, were you involved in this, too? Cheryl, we had a very good reason.
Honest.
All right.
I want to hear this.
Uh-uh.
Coaster.
Not ours.
Pretty comfortable bench, huh? Apparently, we picked that up ballooning in Switzerland.
Not now, Jim.
You know, Dana, maybe this Rick wasn't ready for a, you know, long-term relationship.
He said he was.
Well, then, maybe I scared the hell out of him when I told him you were a psycho.
You did what? Dana Andy and I were listening on the headset to him and he was talking to the crew and bragging about how he was gonna sleep with you and then dump you tomorrow.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
This is so embarrassing.
I am such an idiot.
I even laughed at his stupid Peter Jennings.
Now, that was a slap in the face to a fine journalist.
What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking.
I was just blinded by the whole fantasy of the roses and the limousines and the cameras.
How low have I sunk? I listened to you to get a man.
But when he turned out to be a weasel, I got rid of him.
At no extra charge.
So, it doesn't work when I'm myself, and it doesn't work when I take your stupid advice.
It must be me.
Oh, come on.
It's not you.
Let me ask you a question.
How many women out there, if they really knew me, would want to be with me? None.
You know, you could have waited a couple of seconds before you answered.
One.
Your sister.
That's all I needed.
And that's all you need, is one.
You see, Dana, we're what the experts call hard-to-place people.
(LAUGHS) You'll find somebody, just Just take some time.
Yeah, how do you know? Well, that's because I'm the president of an enormous university.
(LAUGHS) Remember, for every hand there is a glove.
For every ass, there is a saddle.
And for every good woman, there is a good man.
Thanks.
(SNIFFLING) Mmm Are you gonna come back inside? No, I'm gonna stay out here.
I need to shake off these nice feelings I'm having for you.
Oh.
Probably Probably the best idea.
Oh, listen.
This little conversation Never happened.
That's my girl.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE) You were nice to my sister! You were nice to my sister! Very sweet, my lady.
Damn.
(SHOUTING) It's not polite to eavesdrop.
Ow! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you.
Thank you so much.
And thank you, graduates of the University of Jim.
Four years ago, you came here as hapless, nagging, single chicks, but under my tutelage, you've become the kind of broads any man would be happy to throw a ring at.
And now a word from our class valedictorian, runner-up on the first Bachelor and star of the new show The Bachelorette, Trista Rehn.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thanks, Professor Jim, but what I have to say, wouldn't be nearly as interesting as hearing you talk.
I couldn't be more proud.