Alone Together (2018) s02e07 Episode Script
Mom
1 Hey, everybody.
I'm live-streaming today to inform you of an injustice that is occurring at Scooter Taco.
Because evil will triumph if good women like myself do nothing.
[NUDGE.]
I'm here to do nothing.
So as you can see here, I have a coupon that is good for one Scooterito with the purchase of a Scooter Meal.
Wait, why is my hair doing that? Dude, I thought we were gonna eat.
Why are you trying to make a three-minute Vice documentary? Now I am being told that, despite this coupon being present, it's invalid because they're "all out"! [MOUTHING.]
Ma'am can I offer you Scooter nuggets or a Scooter salad? A fast food salad? Are you trying to kill me? - [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- I realize we're in a contentious situation here, sir, but when it comes time for it, can I get an extra Scooter Sauce and the medium, not the scorcho? Uh, there's people behind you.
Can you pull up to the side? No! I won't pull to the side! Because this car is my leverage.
I will be powering off my vehicle - [HORNS HONKING.]
- and holding the keys in my hand.
- [WOMAN.]
Move it! - [EMPLOYEE.]
If you don't pull forward, we're gonna have to call the authorities.
Well, you'll have to call an ambulance, too, because I'm about to swallow this key.
Benji, swallow the key.
I'm not swallowing the key! Even if I swallow it, the car can still start.
It's a wireless key system.
[HORNS HONKING.]
Ma'am, what do you even want? That's right, a $20 gift certificate for one small, tiny temper tantrum that also got live-streamed.
They gave me scorcho instead of medium.
My sphincter's gonna be on fuego! This will not stand! Just come on, man.
This isn't a social progress situation.
Benji, this is bigger than the two of us.
Esther! [BENJI.]
I'm pretty sure I got hit on by a goth chick yesterday.
She handed me a flyer, and she had dead eyes like me, but it was sort of hot.
It made me think maybe I should go goth.
- Benji.
- I'm goth on the inside.
I like sad music, I'm obsessed with death.
I just don't fit in with them because I treat my depression with exercise, prison-style, and they treat it with black make-up.
Which is why I need you to please go to this concert with me.
- That's a hard no.
- Why don't you dress like Wednesday Addams? It'll be fun.
Oh, come on! Every guys wants me to dress as Wednesday Addams! What is with you people? I just want you to fit in at the goth concert! I don't want to be goth.
We had a pep assembly in eighth grade about the dangers of Marilyn Manson, and I really listened hard and I believed! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hi, Esther! Mommy! Hi, sweetie! Oh, my God! This is amazing! What are you doing here? Oh.
Can't a mother surprise her daughter with a visit? Hi! Oh! You must be Benjamin.
It's so nice to meet you in person.
I saw on Facebook the other day that you liked Kroger.
That's a solid supermarket.
So is there a place for me to unpack, or do I just pick a corner and dump out my suitcase? Um, well, my bathtub is open, except for on Wednesday mornings.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, this is gonna be great.
Your mom flew across the country just to surprise you.
That's so sweet.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great.
She's just gonna feed me and do my laundry and buy me stuff.
Watch.
Mommy, I'm hungie, and, also, all my laundry is dirty.
Oh, is my little girl hungry? Here's something to chew on.
Learn to cook! Stop! Mom, that's my home office! I don't care! I saw that meltdown you had on Instagram at the taco restaurant! My karate sensei saw you! Wow, your karate sensei follows her on Instagram? Sensei MacDougal is very devoted.
Mom, that video was showing the world that justice can be served, and it got 152 likes.
And you're proud of this? Do you know who you remind me of? That girl on Dr.
Phil that says, "Cash me ou'side.
How 'bou dah.
" Okay, firstly, her name is Bhad Bhabie, and she's awesome.
She's a platinum-selling recording artist.
And, secondly, that was a really good impression, Mommy.
I thought she was the snottiest thing I have ever seen.
And do you know what Dr.
Phil said? He said it was the mom's fault.
So all of this is my fault! I have coddled you, girl! No, no, it's Dad's fault.
It's Dad's fault! No, Mom! That's my tax stuff! I don't care! I'll never file for 2014.
Napping? You slept 12 hours.
You're worse than a cat.
At least cats eat spiders.
I thought you were going to wash the floors while I was out.
Well, I thought maybe, for old times' sake, you'd want me to fall asleep and then you just do all the cleaning.
I don't even care.
I bought you some nice dresses to extend your wardrobe.
Ugh! I don't want to wear dresses! Then people are gonna look at me and think I'm trying, and it'll be sad.
I don't care.
I want you to wear it.
We're going out for dinner tonight.
I ran into Peggy Kinney, and her daughter, Stephie Kinney, lives here and is very successful in PR.
And she said that she would help you to "manage your brand.
" Stephie Kinney? Eww! Don't you remember in seventh grade when I got ear acne, she was the one who told me I couldn't sit with the cool girls anymore, and she made me sit with the Scrabble Club nerds.
She got you to wash your lobes, didn't she? Her tough love worked.
- I can't go.
- Why?! Because I forgot, but I'm going to a goth concert.
What the hell is that? It's just a scary place where scary people congregate, and sometimes they make you pierce your nipples.
If that happens, I guess I'll have to wear thick bras the rest of my life to cover up my shameful breast earrings.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to scare me, and it's not going to work this time.
- Grow up! - Okay, well, I guess I'll go to the goth concert now, and, hopefully, nothing bad will happen to me.
Hopefully.
Yeah, hopefully, I won't have to be forced to get a face tattoo Well, make it a pretty one.
I guess if I have a face tattoo, I won't be able to be buried in the same cemetery as Grandma.
That's not true anymore, 'cause we're Reformed.
Last chance.
Nope, not bitin'.
I love you.
I love you.
[GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
You fit in perfectly here.
Your pale skin from your iron deficiency.
You should go goth.
I do have the perfect delicate skin of Cate Blanchett's inner elbow, but I am here for one reason, and that is to make my mom mad, so she'll pay attention to me.
Sounds familiar.
That's how most people start the lifestyle.
Well, it's not working! I sent her a picture of that scary guy in the sexual pig mask, and I got nothin'! That's Gunt.
He's a paralegal.
Hello, Gunt! I am Benji! I can't believe this.
She just texted me a picture of her eating sushi with my high school nemesis, Stephie.
She's eating sushi with a fork! That's cute! It's not cute.
We're from the Midwest, so we don't have the proper enzymes to digest sushi.
I used to fight with my mom until I pretended to be who she wanted me to be.
Now every Sunday, I take off my lipstick, I put on my dad's golf shirt, and we hug.
It's nice.
Yeah.
My mom thinks I'm a Herbalife rep.
That's so smart! I should start lying to my parents instead of just disappointing them all the time! You goth kids are, like, so insightful! This is amazing! I'm outta here! Wait! You're my wing-goth! You can't go, and I think Gunt likes you! He does have a job, but No, I gotta go.
Cool studded belt.
I had one like that in high school, but then it punctured the bucket seat in my dad's Porsche, and he took it away.
My dad loves his car more than he loves me, too.
You want to die with us? You mean, like, hang out? Yeah! Hello, Mother.
Oh! Esther! What are you doing standing in the dark? I'm saving energy like a responsible adult.
I'm not sure that's what adults do.
Do adults prepare fresh ginger tea for their weekend guests? Yes, they do, and that would be lovely.
Allow me.
Yeah, I don't know what it is about the mixture of sex, sadness, and dark clothing that really does it for me, you know? Maybe it's 'cause I lost my virginity at my uncle's funeral.
Benji, I gotta be honest.
At first I thought you were a baby bat.
But if you're into it, we have a group that gets together to explore this stuff.
Oh, yeah, well, I'm a fountain of perpetual solitude, so I am available.
We were supposed to meet up this weekend, but the venue fell through - black mold.
- Is that a band? Yes.
But it's also a health problem.
We had to cancel.
Well, um, my roommate's out of town.
I've got a great house for parties, and I've got a trampoline! Did that offend you guys? No, this is how I smile.
I frickin' love trampolines.
- Okay.
- I almost laughed.
I hate you.
Do you guys think the xylophone player was playing with real bones or with those fake bones? [MARY.]
Well, according.]
to the Kondo Method, the best way to declutter your home is to ask yourself with every item, "Does this bring me joy?" Usually, when I declutter, I ask myself, "Does it bring ants into my home?" What do you want to do about these flamingo slippers? Oh, my God, my flamingies! Pepper and Duncan, I haven't seen you guys since we watched the Grammys! I mean, you do not bring me joy.
Toss.
See? I knew you can do it.
Actually, this apartment looks so nice that I think we should do a little dinner party with Stephie.
What?! No! You can learn a lot from Stephie, Esther.
Do you know what she wore to sushi? Express pants with a crisp pleat.
And she used her chopsticks like a native chopstick user.
Now toss all these things into a bag.
You're doing great! [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
You guys stay quiet.
So, Stephie, I guess you haven't seen Esther since she was in the paper when she crashed into the mayor's house.
We're still paying that off in hundred-dollar increments.
Monthly.
Well, I've never been in the paper, except for when I was homecoming queen.
Yeah.
Well, I was on the front page.
So, Stephie, um, your hair is so big.
Is that a Bumpit? Um, no, it's just natural body.
I use horse shampoo.
Uh! Silly.
Stephie, can you tell Esther about that Roth thingy that you mentioned? Oh, IRAs, sure.
Ooh, no, thank you.
One of my girlfriends had that, and it dislodged and permanently damaged her cervix.
Okay, have a little more sparkling cider.
[GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, it's Benji.
It's, like, 8:15.
Just wanted to make sure you're still coming.
I might cover up this beet hummus before the edges get crusty.
Not that anything matters.
Life is darkness, but would love to get a head count on who might be coming.
But, um all right, cool.
Well, I live with snakes and lizards And other things that crawl Stupid! Of course they're not coming! You're a loser! You look like Pete Wentz's Jewish cousin! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
You guys made it.
Sorry I'm late.
Gigi missed and eyelet on my boot, so we had to start over.
You look like you're gonna cry.
I was about to cry, yeah.
Sick.
Me, too.
Am I okay to park after eight? I don't have a pass.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Coven? Mi dwelling su dwelling.
Hi.
Stephie, I can't help but notice that beautiful charm bracelet.
Is that the Eiffel Tower? Yes, it is.
Every charm represents a different place that I've traveled to.
So that is from the France section at Epcot.
Oh, I prefer the Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas.
Oh, I have one of those, too, actually.
And this little cutie right here is from the Sandals Resort in Cancun, which I went to with all of my Oh, no.
[CHARM CLINKS.]
Oh.
Sandals that's where they let you have all you can eat, including shrimp cocktail.
They'd probably have to change that policy once Hurricane Mary went passing through.
Tell her how much Mother loves shrimp.
- Are these flamingo slippers? - [GASPS.]
My troubled cousin has a pair of these.
Um, I'm so sorry.
Thanks for finding those.
It must be my second back-up pair.
Esther! You said that you had thrown them away! You've been doing so well! Come on, let's just toss 'em right now.
Okay, I'll just throw these into that irreversibly wet, nasty trash can.
Why not? I can't.
I don't want to throw them away.
I love them.
They make me laugh.
And they do bring me joy.
Do you really want me to be a boring, basic, cookie-cutter person like Stephie? Don't embarrass our dinner guest like that! She's mean, and she's a liar.
I know she lied about her Bumpit.
Let me see that.
- Aah! Ow! Ow! - Oh, wow.
Oh, God, that is Damn.
That is lustrous.
It is like a hair waterfall.
I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life, and I'm leaving! I need some fresh air! - Mom, don't! - No! This is exactly how I pictured this going.
[GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BENJI.]
Hey, you wouldn't believe it, but I'm actually throwing a successful party right now! Actually, gathering.
Uh, goths, we gather.
We don't party.
Okay, well, I'm freaking out, 'cause my mom and I just got into a huge fight, and she left, and I don't know where she is! And I paged all the Joann Fabrics within driving distance, and she's not at any of them.
I'm sure everything's okay.
Why don't you just come here? Nothing helps deal with parental problems like hanging with goths.
Right? [GOTHS MOANING.]
Esther, do not come here.
Whatever you do, do not come here.
[MOANS AND LAUGHTER.]
Damn, an orgy?! What kind? What kind? An orgy-orgy.
If you're gonna be such a square about it, then just tell them to put their clothes on and go home.
I don't know, man.
I've never had a successful party, and I want to be a good host.
I got it.
Just fake it while they're still there, okay? So take your shirt off, rub some coconut oil on your skin, and pretend you just finished orgying in another room.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I gotta go, dude! I gotta go! Dude, you hiding? No.
I, um I had a really late lunch, and I combined starch and protein, and now I'm just sort of cramping up after all the mutually enjoyable sex I've been having.
You gotta pace yourself.
Should we go somewhere else? No.
No, you guys have fun in here.
I'm gonna get back out there for round five.
- Mom? - Yeah? I have been looking everywhere for you.
Well, you found me.
Yeah, because I came in here to use the bathroom.
Why are you even in an alcohol bar? You don't drink.
Well, I do now.
I'm three deep.
Three glasses? No, three sips.
I'm here in this bar with all the other bad moms.
- Right, Kathy? - Oh! This is where I belong.
I guess I belong here, too, 'cause you think I'm a bad daughter.
Bartender, will you please serve me up a cup of your least grossest wine? [GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
What's up, guys? Great great work.
Hey.
Oh! Ha! Thank you.
I'm actually in between intervals right now.
It's my recovery period.
Just gonna grab a seltzer water.
D'Artagnan, lookin' good! You're gonna feel that in your legs tomorrow.
Guys, can we please label our cups?! I put markers out! Black souls, green planet! This is nothing new! Baby bat, we're feeling a little left out.
Are you avoiding us? No! I think you're great.
I'm just, uh, getting warmed up for you.
Mm! I like the sound of that.
Let's do it right here.
I-I-I have an STD! Wait.
What? Yeah, it's a really bad one.
I had to burn all my boxer briefs in a bonfire.
You have an STD and you've been having sex with the entire party? Dude! Coven, time-out! Lights on! - We have an unsafe player.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Whoa! - Are you serious? Um hey.
Oh! 'Scuse me, honey, but I think that you charged me wrong.
This is full price.
I ordered during happy hour! Happy hour ended at seven.
Your receipt, 7:01.
Can't do nothin' about that.
Mom, if you say you ordered those drinks at happy hour, - then you're paying the happy hour price.
- Oh, it's fine.
No, it's not.
That's not fair.
Hear ye! Hear ye! I want all the patrons in this bar to know that you are supporting an establishment that wants to stick it to the consumer! Ma'am, this isn't a cabaret.
Could you please sit down? Ooh! Whoa! Ohh! Ohh! I'm gonna fall because I've been over-served! Okay, fine, fine.
I will get you the happy hour price, okay? Just sit down.
And the next round's on me.
Thank you.
That's all we wanted.
Instead of alcohols for our next round, could we just have, like, a big plate of nachos? - [MARY.]
Yeah! - Black or pinto beans? - Both, of course! - Both, yes! I bet Stephie never got her mom a plate of double-bean courtesy nachos.
Oh, sweetie, I just wanted you to be like Stephie, because Stephie seemed like the kind of girl that could take care of herself.
But now I see you are that kind of girl in your own wacky, weirdo, loser way.
I just want you to know, I didn't make that Scooter Taco video to embarrass myself for no reason.
I made it to embarrass myself for a $20 gift certificate.
$20? That's six breakfasts! Did you hear that, Kath? Oh.
Oh, Kathy? Um, Kathy, you should wake up.
Is Kathy dead? I'm a little concerned.
Denizens of darkness, I'm sorry.
We may have a safety issue.
Please come forward if you've had sex with this bat.
You may be at risk.
- No.
You? - You? Did anyone have sex with this guy? [CARL.]
I did.
Never mind.
Different dude.
I'm sorry.
I lied about giving STDs to everyone I lied about having sex with.
I think you're all really cool, but I didn't realize this was gonna be a sex party.
The e-vite explicitly states to bring condoms and lube.
I skimmed the email.
That's my B.
Let's go.
Denny's is open, and Daddy wants a Grand Slam.
No, don't go! We can hang! Dog collar power bottoms, we can play Risk or something.
Pig mascot, you're the coolest! Just We can be friends! All the suicide girls, you're all leaving? I'd love to watch a Tim Burton film with you guys anytime! [ESTHER.]
Take your seats.
It's time for the recital! Let me just get the videotape organized for Dad! We tape all of her performances.
I'm very familiar with these dance videos.
She made us watch them on her birthday for seven hours.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
- Okay! - [BEEP.]
[ESTHER.]
Here comes the tap-dancing doggy! [SHOES TAPPING.]
Oh! Excellent! Wonderful! You still got it! That was great.
I loved it.
But, um, you might want to take that collar off.
Why? I found it in your brother's closet.
I guess it's from your grandparents' old dog? It actually belongs to a paralegal-slash-submissive named Gunt.
Oh.
Gunt has a doggy? Oh, for heaven's sakes! It's a sex collar! Come on! Let's go wash your neck!
I'm live-streaming today to inform you of an injustice that is occurring at Scooter Taco.
Because evil will triumph if good women like myself do nothing.
[NUDGE.]
I'm here to do nothing.
So as you can see here, I have a coupon that is good for one Scooterito with the purchase of a Scooter Meal.
Wait, why is my hair doing that? Dude, I thought we were gonna eat.
Why are you trying to make a three-minute Vice documentary? Now I am being told that, despite this coupon being present, it's invalid because they're "all out"! [MOUTHING.]
Ma'am can I offer you Scooter nuggets or a Scooter salad? A fast food salad? Are you trying to kill me? - [CAR HORN HONKS.]
- I realize we're in a contentious situation here, sir, but when it comes time for it, can I get an extra Scooter Sauce and the medium, not the scorcho? Uh, there's people behind you.
Can you pull up to the side? No! I won't pull to the side! Because this car is my leverage.
I will be powering off my vehicle - [HORNS HONKING.]
- and holding the keys in my hand.
- [WOMAN.]
Move it! - [EMPLOYEE.]
If you don't pull forward, we're gonna have to call the authorities.
Well, you'll have to call an ambulance, too, because I'm about to swallow this key.
Benji, swallow the key.
I'm not swallowing the key! Even if I swallow it, the car can still start.
It's a wireless key system.
[HORNS HONKING.]
Ma'am, what do you even want? That's right, a $20 gift certificate for one small, tiny temper tantrum that also got live-streamed.
They gave me scorcho instead of medium.
My sphincter's gonna be on fuego! This will not stand! Just come on, man.
This isn't a social progress situation.
Benji, this is bigger than the two of us.
Esther! [BENJI.]
I'm pretty sure I got hit on by a goth chick yesterday.
She handed me a flyer, and she had dead eyes like me, but it was sort of hot.
It made me think maybe I should go goth.
- Benji.
- I'm goth on the inside.
I like sad music, I'm obsessed with death.
I just don't fit in with them because I treat my depression with exercise, prison-style, and they treat it with black make-up.
Which is why I need you to please go to this concert with me.
- That's a hard no.
- Why don't you dress like Wednesday Addams? It'll be fun.
Oh, come on! Every guys wants me to dress as Wednesday Addams! What is with you people? I just want you to fit in at the goth concert! I don't want to be goth.
We had a pep assembly in eighth grade about the dangers of Marilyn Manson, and I really listened hard and I believed! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hi, Esther! Mommy! Hi, sweetie! Oh, my God! This is amazing! What are you doing here? Oh.
Can't a mother surprise her daughter with a visit? Hi! Oh! You must be Benjamin.
It's so nice to meet you in person.
I saw on Facebook the other day that you liked Kroger.
That's a solid supermarket.
So is there a place for me to unpack, or do I just pick a corner and dump out my suitcase? Um, well, my bathtub is open, except for on Wednesday mornings.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God, this is gonna be great.
Your mom flew across the country just to surprise you.
That's so sweet.
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great.
She's just gonna feed me and do my laundry and buy me stuff.
Watch.
Mommy, I'm hungie, and, also, all my laundry is dirty.
Oh, is my little girl hungry? Here's something to chew on.
Learn to cook! Stop! Mom, that's my home office! I don't care! I saw that meltdown you had on Instagram at the taco restaurant! My karate sensei saw you! Wow, your karate sensei follows her on Instagram? Sensei MacDougal is very devoted.
Mom, that video was showing the world that justice can be served, and it got 152 likes.
And you're proud of this? Do you know who you remind me of? That girl on Dr.
Phil that says, "Cash me ou'side.
How 'bou dah.
" Okay, firstly, her name is Bhad Bhabie, and she's awesome.
She's a platinum-selling recording artist.
And, secondly, that was a really good impression, Mommy.
I thought she was the snottiest thing I have ever seen.
And do you know what Dr.
Phil said? He said it was the mom's fault.
So all of this is my fault! I have coddled you, girl! No, no, it's Dad's fault.
It's Dad's fault! No, Mom! That's my tax stuff! I don't care! I'll never file for 2014.
Napping? You slept 12 hours.
You're worse than a cat.
At least cats eat spiders.
I thought you were going to wash the floors while I was out.
Well, I thought maybe, for old times' sake, you'd want me to fall asleep and then you just do all the cleaning.
I don't even care.
I bought you some nice dresses to extend your wardrobe.
Ugh! I don't want to wear dresses! Then people are gonna look at me and think I'm trying, and it'll be sad.
I don't care.
I want you to wear it.
We're going out for dinner tonight.
I ran into Peggy Kinney, and her daughter, Stephie Kinney, lives here and is very successful in PR.
And she said that she would help you to "manage your brand.
" Stephie Kinney? Eww! Don't you remember in seventh grade when I got ear acne, she was the one who told me I couldn't sit with the cool girls anymore, and she made me sit with the Scrabble Club nerds.
She got you to wash your lobes, didn't she? Her tough love worked.
- I can't go.
- Why?! Because I forgot, but I'm going to a goth concert.
What the hell is that? It's just a scary place where scary people congregate, and sometimes they make you pierce your nipples.
If that happens, I guess I'll have to wear thick bras the rest of my life to cover up my shameful breast earrings.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to scare me, and it's not going to work this time.
- Grow up! - Okay, well, I guess I'll go to the goth concert now, and, hopefully, nothing bad will happen to me.
Hopefully.
Yeah, hopefully, I won't have to be forced to get a face tattoo Well, make it a pretty one.
I guess if I have a face tattoo, I won't be able to be buried in the same cemetery as Grandma.
That's not true anymore, 'cause we're Reformed.
Last chance.
Nope, not bitin'.
I love you.
I love you.
[GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
You fit in perfectly here.
Your pale skin from your iron deficiency.
You should go goth.
I do have the perfect delicate skin of Cate Blanchett's inner elbow, but I am here for one reason, and that is to make my mom mad, so she'll pay attention to me.
Sounds familiar.
That's how most people start the lifestyle.
Well, it's not working! I sent her a picture of that scary guy in the sexual pig mask, and I got nothin'! That's Gunt.
He's a paralegal.
Hello, Gunt! I am Benji! I can't believe this.
She just texted me a picture of her eating sushi with my high school nemesis, Stephie.
She's eating sushi with a fork! That's cute! It's not cute.
We're from the Midwest, so we don't have the proper enzymes to digest sushi.
I used to fight with my mom until I pretended to be who she wanted me to be.
Now every Sunday, I take off my lipstick, I put on my dad's golf shirt, and we hug.
It's nice.
Yeah.
My mom thinks I'm a Herbalife rep.
That's so smart! I should start lying to my parents instead of just disappointing them all the time! You goth kids are, like, so insightful! This is amazing! I'm outta here! Wait! You're my wing-goth! You can't go, and I think Gunt likes you! He does have a job, but No, I gotta go.
Cool studded belt.
I had one like that in high school, but then it punctured the bucket seat in my dad's Porsche, and he took it away.
My dad loves his car more than he loves me, too.
You want to die with us? You mean, like, hang out? Yeah! Hello, Mother.
Oh! Esther! What are you doing standing in the dark? I'm saving energy like a responsible adult.
I'm not sure that's what adults do.
Do adults prepare fresh ginger tea for their weekend guests? Yes, they do, and that would be lovely.
Allow me.
Yeah, I don't know what it is about the mixture of sex, sadness, and dark clothing that really does it for me, you know? Maybe it's 'cause I lost my virginity at my uncle's funeral.
Benji, I gotta be honest.
At first I thought you were a baby bat.
But if you're into it, we have a group that gets together to explore this stuff.
Oh, yeah, well, I'm a fountain of perpetual solitude, so I am available.
We were supposed to meet up this weekend, but the venue fell through - black mold.
- Is that a band? Yes.
But it's also a health problem.
We had to cancel.
Well, um, my roommate's out of town.
I've got a great house for parties, and I've got a trampoline! Did that offend you guys? No, this is how I smile.
I frickin' love trampolines.
- Okay.
- I almost laughed.
I hate you.
Do you guys think the xylophone player was playing with real bones or with those fake bones? [MARY.]
Well, according.]
to the Kondo Method, the best way to declutter your home is to ask yourself with every item, "Does this bring me joy?" Usually, when I declutter, I ask myself, "Does it bring ants into my home?" What do you want to do about these flamingo slippers? Oh, my God, my flamingies! Pepper and Duncan, I haven't seen you guys since we watched the Grammys! I mean, you do not bring me joy.
Toss.
See? I knew you can do it.
Actually, this apartment looks so nice that I think we should do a little dinner party with Stephie.
What?! No! You can learn a lot from Stephie, Esther.
Do you know what she wore to sushi? Express pants with a crisp pleat.
And she used her chopsticks like a native chopstick user.
Now toss all these things into a bag.
You're doing great! [WHISPERS.]
Okay.
You guys stay quiet.
So, Stephie, I guess you haven't seen Esther since she was in the paper when she crashed into the mayor's house.
We're still paying that off in hundred-dollar increments.
Monthly.
Well, I've never been in the paper, except for when I was homecoming queen.
Yeah.
Well, I was on the front page.
So, Stephie, um, your hair is so big.
Is that a Bumpit? Um, no, it's just natural body.
I use horse shampoo.
Uh! Silly.
Stephie, can you tell Esther about that Roth thingy that you mentioned? Oh, IRAs, sure.
Ooh, no, thank you.
One of my girlfriends had that, and it dislodged and permanently damaged her cervix.
Okay, have a little more sparkling cider.
[GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey, it's Benji.
It's, like, 8:15.
Just wanted to make sure you're still coming.
I might cover up this beet hummus before the edges get crusty.
Not that anything matters.
Life is darkness, but would love to get a head count on who might be coming.
But, um all right, cool.
Well, I live with snakes and lizards And other things that crawl Stupid! Of course they're not coming! You're a loser! You look like Pete Wentz's Jewish cousin! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
You guys made it.
Sorry I'm late.
Gigi missed and eyelet on my boot, so we had to start over.
You look like you're gonna cry.
I was about to cry, yeah.
Sick.
Me, too.
Am I okay to park after eight? I don't have a pass.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Coven? Mi dwelling su dwelling.
Hi.
Stephie, I can't help but notice that beautiful charm bracelet.
Is that the Eiffel Tower? Yes, it is.
Every charm represents a different place that I've traveled to.
So that is from the France section at Epcot.
Oh, I prefer the Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas.
Oh, I have one of those, too, actually.
And this little cutie right here is from the Sandals Resort in Cancun, which I went to with all of my Oh, no.
[CHARM CLINKS.]
Oh.
Sandals that's where they let you have all you can eat, including shrimp cocktail.
They'd probably have to change that policy once Hurricane Mary went passing through.
Tell her how much Mother loves shrimp.
- Are these flamingo slippers? - [GASPS.]
My troubled cousin has a pair of these.
Um, I'm so sorry.
Thanks for finding those.
It must be my second back-up pair.
Esther! You said that you had thrown them away! You've been doing so well! Come on, let's just toss 'em right now.
Okay, I'll just throw these into that irreversibly wet, nasty trash can.
Why not? I can't.
I don't want to throw them away.
I love them.
They make me laugh.
And they do bring me joy.
Do you really want me to be a boring, basic, cookie-cutter person like Stephie? Don't embarrass our dinner guest like that! She's mean, and she's a liar.
I know she lied about her Bumpit.
Let me see that.
- Aah! Ow! Ow! - Oh, wow.
Oh, God, that is Damn.
That is lustrous.
It is like a hair waterfall.
I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life, and I'm leaving! I need some fresh air! - Mom, don't! - No! This is exactly how I pictured this going.
[GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BENJI.]
Hey, you wouldn't believe it, but I'm actually throwing a successful party right now! Actually, gathering.
Uh, goths, we gather.
We don't party.
Okay, well, I'm freaking out, 'cause my mom and I just got into a huge fight, and she left, and I don't know where she is! And I paged all the Joann Fabrics within driving distance, and she's not at any of them.
I'm sure everything's okay.
Why don't you just come here? Nothing helps deal with parental problems like hanging with goths.
Right? [GOTHS MOANING.]
Esther, do not come here.
Whatever you do, do not come here.
[MOANS AND LAUGHTER.]
Damn, an orgy?! What kind? What kind? An orgy-orgy.
If you're gonna be such a square about it, then just tell them to put their clothes on and go home.
I don't know, man.
I've never had a successful party, and I want to be a good host.
I got it.
Just fake it while they're still there, okay? So take your shirt off, rub some coconut oil on your skin, and pretend you just finished orgying in another room.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I gotta go, dude! I gotta go! Dude, you hiding? No.
I, um I had a really late lunch, and I combined starch and protein, and now I'm just sort of cramping up after all the mutually enjoyable sex I've been having.
You gotta pace yourself.
Should we go somewhere else? No.
No, you guys have fun in here.
I'm gonna get back out there for round five.
- Mom? - Yeah? I have been looking everywhere for you.
Well, you found me.
Yeah, because I came in here to use the bathroom.
Why are you even in an alcohol bar? You don't drink.
Well, I do now.
I'm three deep.
Three glasses? No, three sips.
I'm here in this bar with all the other bad moms.
- Right, Kathy? - Oh! This is where I belong.
I guess I belong here, too, 'cause you think I'm a bad daughter.
Bartender, will you please serve me up a cup of your least grossest wine? [GOTH MUSIC PLAYING.]
What's up, guys? Great great work.
Hey.
Oh! Ha! Thank you.
I'm actually in between intervals right now.
It's my recovery period.
Just gonna grab a seltzer water.
D'Artagnan, lookin' good! You're gonna feel that in your legs tomorrow.
Guys, can we please label our cups?! I put markers out! Black souls, green planet! This is nothing new! Baby bat, we're feeling a little left out.
Are you avoiding us? No! I think you're great.
I'm just, uh, getting warmed up for you.
Mm! I like the sound of that.
Let's do it right here.
I-I-I have an STD! Wait.
What? Yeah, it's a really bad one.
I had to burn all my boxer briefs in a bonfire.
You have an STD and you've been having sex with the entire party? Dude! Coven, time-out! Lights on! - We have an unsafe player.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Whoa! - Are you serious? Um hey.
Oh! 'Scuse me, honey, but I think that you charged me wrong.
This is full price.
I ordered during happy hour! Happy hour ended at seven.
Your receipt, 7:01.
Can't do nothin' about that.
Mom, if you say you ordered those drinks at happy hour, - then you're paying the happy hour price.
- Oh, it's fine.
No, it's not.
That's not fair.
Hear ye! Hear ye! I want all the patrons in this bar to know that you are supporting an establishment that wants to stick it to the consumer! Ma'am, this isn't a cabaret.
Could you please sit down? Ooh! Whoa! Ohh! Ohh! I'm gonna fall because I've been over-served! Okay, fine, fine.
I will get you the happy hour price, okay? Just sit down.
And the next round's on me.
Thank you.
That's all we wanted.
Instead of alcohols for our next round, could we just have, like, a big plate of nachos? - [MARY.]
Yeah! - Black or pinto beans? - Both, of course! - Both, yes! I bet Stephie never got her mom a plate of double-bean courtesy nachos.
Oh, sweetie, I just wanted you to be like Stephie, because Stephie seemed like the kind of girl that could take care of herself.
But now I see you are that kind of girl in your own wacky, weirdo, loser way.
I just want you to know, I didn't make that Scooter Taco video to embarrass myself for no reason.
I made it to embarrass myself for a $20 gift certificate.
$20? That's six breakfasts! Did you hear that, Kath? Oh.
Oh, Kathy? Um, Kathy, you should wake up.
Is Kathy dead? I'm a little concerned.
Denizens of darkness, I'm sorry.
We may have a safety issue.
Please come forward if you've had sex with this bat.
You may be at risk.
- No.
You? - You? Did anyone have sex with this guy? [CARL.]
I did.
Never mind.
Different dude.
I'm sorry.
I lied about giving STDs to everyone I lied about having sex with.
I think you're all really cool, but I didn't realize this was gonna be a sex party.
The e-vite explicitly states to bring condoms and lube.
I skimmed the email.
That's my B.
Let's go.
Denny's is open, and Daddy wants a Grand Slam.
No, don't go! We can hang! Dog collar power bottoms, we can play Risk or something.
Pig mascot, you're the coolest! Just We can be friends! All the suicide girls, you're all leaving? I'd love to watch a Tim Burton film with you guys anytime! [ESTHER.]
Take your seats.
It's time for the recital! Let me just get the videotape organized for Dad! We tape all of her performances.
I'm very familiar with these dance videos.
She made us watch them on her birthday for seven hours.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
- Okay! - [BEEP.]
[ESTHER.]
Here comes the tap-dancing doggy! [SHOES TAPPING.]
Oh! Excellent! Wonderful! You still got it! That was great.
I loved it.
But, um, you might want to take that collar off.
Why? I found it in your brother's closet.
I guess it's from your grandparents' old dog? It actually belongs to a paralegal-slash-submissive named Gunt.
Oh.
Gunt has a doggy? Oh, for heaven's sakes! It's a sex collar! Come on! Let's go wash your neck!