Alpha House (2013) s02e07 Episode Script

- Oh! Who's that, dear? - Oh, that's Colonel Drake, one of the witnesses at the D.
O.
D.
hearings last month.
Standard grip-and-grin.
Julie gave it to me to inscribe for him.
Oh, you give autographed pictures to your witnesses? I do.
It's a memento of their experience testifying before the most August deliberative body on Earth.
Oh.
How thoughtful.
Well, what will your inscription say? Wish him well, I guess, thank him for being totally honest with me in the committee, for opening up some feelings that we on the committee didn't know we had that sort of thing.
It's pretty pro forma.
What did he testify about? Transgenders in the military.
Oh, my land.
Why has everything got to be about sex these days? Well, not everything is, Louise.
There's Benghazi, Obamacare Obamacare? Obamacare provides birth control, for Peter's sake, which, by the by, apparently didn't do Julie much good.
Well, in fairness, Julie was trying to get pregnant, Louise.
Oh, Louis, you've got to talk to her.
They have to get married before it's obvious she's in a family way.
I will.
I will.
I just have to find the right moment.
Well, be sure that you do.
Robert, are you really worth $1.
17 million? I was.
Now I'm splitting it three ways: Eve, me, and the lawyers.
Holy cow, Warner topped 100 million this year.
What are you boys looking at? The annual net worth list for senators.
I'm ranked 47th pretty darn respectable.
Who's laughing now at my penny stocks? Not me, not when we're sitting on all that clover.
Hey, Guzman's at the bottom with a negative net worth of 240,000.
What? How's that possible? Yeah, he got burned on sub-prime mortgages.
He's underwater on his house in Miami.
You brought me a tenant who owes $1/4 million? 1/4 mil No wonder he's in Miami begging for forgiveness.
That's if he makes it to Adriana's door.
Gonna pass up a lot of opportunities stewardesses, hotel maids, whoever's in the elevator.
- Get you some coffee, Rose? - Yes, please.
- Hey, Louise.
- Good morning, Rose.
Ah, bumming coffee with a net worth of 876,000? Nest egg.
Car's here.
You about ready to go to the station? I am.
Louis, I need a favor, honey.
I'm supposed to host a women's caucus dinner tomorrow night, but my living room is still drying out from that broken pipe.
- Any chance I could have it here? - Sure, no problem.
I won't be here, though.
I've got to fly home.
I'll be in Philly.
Sorry.
Senator DuPeche, it would be my honor to host you and your women colleagues tomorrow evening say, 7:00? This way, Senator.
Thanks, Corinne.
Benny? Senator.
I wonder if you could tell Adriana that I'm here.
Senator Guzman is here, Miss de Portago.
Well? I told her.
- What are you going up for? - Hamptons fund-raiser with the .
1%.
- Hmm, who hates you.
- It's mutual.
But I like to give them a chance to hedge their bets.
You? I got an event up in North Philly.
- Where they hate you.
- You got to try.
Can't expect to get the votes if you don't "ax" for 'em.
Or suppress them.
You're just trying to touch base with your conscience.
What is your problem? Why do you say such incredibly insulting things to me? I don't see you talking smack to other people.
I can't change everyone, Robert.
I only tell the truth to people I care about.
You care? What? What, are you hitting on me? The gentleman is dreaming.
Why, Elliot I wasn't going to say anything, Gil John.
There's nothing worse than a stage dad, but your kid has just taken over the show.
She has Bigfooted her way into every scene, and now my little Charity has nothing to do.
She's the star of the show.
Excuse me, Senator, but there really isn't a star.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
And when we sat down and we signed on for this thing, it was clear that she was going to be the breakout daughter.
She has the looks, the charisma, and the interesting personal problems to be the next Snooki! - Who? - I think it's fair to say no one wants to see the next Snooki.
So are you deliberately limiting screen time? - Tell me that.
Are you - No! - Is that what you're saying to me? - No, no, no.
We do not play favorites on the show.
We just try to follow our characters into their lives and find those little moments of truth that feel real.
Real? What's real? Endless Cee Biggs whining about her childhood.
What, you think that's good television? Well, you're the experts.
Good luck with that! You know, Connie, Senator Robeson might just have a point.
Cee's story arc about her family issues has been a little slow to resolve.
Well, sir, if you would just be willing to really get into it with her You know what, Connie? I might be able to help you out with that.
Really? That would be brilliant.
- On one condition.
- Name it.
My wife is having second thoughts about being on TV.
She thinks the camera makes her look too - What? - Too Old, heavy? Whatever it is, we can fix it.
I don't think she wants it fixed.
She just wants off.
You think you can help me out with that? And you can help resolve Cee Biggs' back-story reverse engineer her pain? Whatever the hell that means, I'm all for it.
Tell Mrs.
Biggs she never happened.
She's still in North Carolina.
Now, that's my kind of reality TV.
Benny, what should I do? I wouldn't presume to tell you, Senator.
But she trusts you.
An honor I've always tried to remain worthy of.
Hello? What are you doing here? What do you think? Trying not to lose the best thing in my life.
I flew all the way down here to beg your forgiveness.
Andy, you live in Florida.
You flew home.
Technically.
But home is where you are.
Well, you're not home to me.
Home is a safe place where love is something that you can count on.
That's home.
I can be that, Adriana.
I can change.
You can no more change than Edwards or Clinton or all the other narcissistic men that do nothing but create chaos in the lives of people that care about them.
Look at me, Adriana.
I will not look at you.
I will not look at you and your easy smile and your silly orchids and tell you that I still believe in you.
I won't do it.
Benito, please show the Senator out.
Sir, you wanted to see me? Ah.
Come in, James.
Have a seat.
Whoa.
Impressive.
I didn't know you played cards.
I do.
I don't gamble, of course, but my college roommate used to work the nugget in Carson city and showed me a few moves.
Anyway, I notice you have me scheduled for another job-for-a-day media event, so I've been thinking, why not be a dealer on the strip? Certainly couldn't go any worse than being a crane operator.
No, sir.
And again, I'm really sorry about that one.
I figured I could leverage this little skill set of mine, flip a few cards, and show the voters I know what a regular job's like.
I'll have Julie advance it, so nothing goes wrong.
Julie.
You sure she should be flying in her condition, sir? The baby might get airsick.
Oh, you're right.
How do women manage that tiny little thing throwing up inside you? Well, I better go talk to her, see where this whole motherhood thing is headed.
I think she just left for the cafeteria, sir.
Oh, the old Senate cafeteria the people's dining room.
Where is it again? Going to Lombard baptist just isn't a good use of your time, Senator.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but you won't be welcome.
I don't expect to be, but it's a good chance to distance myself from voter suppression.
They won't buy it.
Disincentivizing the black community is so obviously in your interest.
Senator, if all the black voters that turned out for Obama show up in November, we're dead.
If only 3/4 show up, it's still a nail-biter.
Our best chance at beating Rendell is to drive that number down even further.
Oh, how are we looking in North Philly? Ready to go.
We've got untraceable contributions out to key community groups.
Their people will find better things to do on election day.
And volunteers will be handing out leaflets reminding people to vote on Wednesday, November 5th.
Wednesday? That actually works? Did in Tampa.
Worth a shot.
What on Earth is she doing? I don't know getting into the zone.
What did you agree to, exactly? To be honest, I'm not sure.
I assume we're supposed to get in each other's faces, mix it up.
Well, that shouldn't be hard.
That girl still does piss me off something fierce.
Just don't let it get out of control.
You don't want to solve one problem by creating another one.
Julie, Katharine, what a surprise.
Senator, what are you doing here? Having lunch, of course.
Change of pace.
Members' dining room so stuffy.
I can imagine.
Something on your mind, sir? No.
Yes.
Well, it's on my wife's mind, but since we're usually of one mind, I guess that sort of means it's on my mind as well.
She we were wondering if you two had any plans to make honest women out of each other.
Wait.
- You want us to get married? - Well, I mean, since you've decided to have your science baby, we just think it would be better for the child if But you're opposed to gay marriage.
Deeply opposed, Katharine.
But I'm even more opposed to children being born out of wedlock.
So it's one of a lesser of two evils sort of thing.
Is our child one of the two evils? Thank you for your advice, Senator.
Be sure to thank Mrs.
Laffer too.
I will.
Glad we talked about this.
You're both like daughters See you back at the office, sir.
Yeah, right.
Oh enjoy your meal.
I'm sure I will.
It's fun trying new things.
It's called a job, Charlotte.
Getting up and leaving the house, and whoever's in it is what you do to support your family.
Yeah, I was away a lot.
Yeah, I was coming home late.
Yeah, I missed some dinners, some soccer games - I didn't play soccer.
- Tabbie and Ellie did.
You weren't the only one in the house, Charlotte! I was the only one in a play! A play.
What play? Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
I was the narrator one of the best parts.
And you had the Regionals or whatever that same night, so guess who lost out.
The kid in the stupid middle school musical.
I remember.
Oh, really? What do you remember? I remember you coming down the stairs and how over the moon you were, and I remember you wearing your little silver slippers, and your sisters had threaded these little colored glass beads in your hair.
And when you spun around the living room, all the little beads clicked together.
And you you started singing me this silly song about the pharaoh, and you were cracking yourself up and cracking yourself up and cutting up and laughing.
And I thought, "my Lord", "how is this girl ever gonna get through this song onstage tonight?" And I got up and left for the game.
- Daddy.
- What? You just took my breath away.
Senator Guzman.
Hey, Beth.
Is Dr.
Semeckis in? You just caught her, sir.
She had a cancellation and was about to go home.
Senator Guzman is here, Doctor.
Go right in, Senator.
It's good to see you again, sir.
Same here, Beth.
So my life is unraveling again.
So I read.
You're referring to public ridicule, which is bad.
And by the way, it's much worse now than it used to be.
Death by a thousand tweets.
But that's not why I'm here.
I want to understand why I do what I do.
Am I a sex addict? Does such a thing even exist? Some of my colleagues refer to it as hyper-sexual disorder.
H.
D.
, meaning your pursuit of intercourse interferes with other important activities.
Well, that's me, right? So it has a name H.
D.
I have H.
D.
I mean, it sounds like I suffer from high definition, which doesn't sound very serious, but Did you swing by here just to pick up a clinical label? Do you think if you have a condition that absolves you of responsibility? Yeah, well, it's a start.
I'm feeling really bad about myself, Jody.
Do you feel equally bad about the people your condition harms? You know I do.
I did.
I've never forgiven myself.
Now, now.
Let's not drag our marriage into a billable hour.
Thanks for coming out.
Thanks for coming out.
- Hey, good to see you.
Morning.
- You too.
Morning.
Good to see you.
Reverend Mike, good to see you, sir.
Honored to have you here, Senator, and surprised.
We never get to see you.
Well, maybe not in this particular neighborhood, but I'm a Philly boy.
Born and raised not too far from here.
No, sir, not far and yet a world away.
Never mind, the important thing is you're here to help get folks to the polls.
So what do you say? Well, let's get started, shall we? Come right over here, Senator, and meet some of your fellow volunteers.
Morning.
Good to see you.
Ah, good to see you, sir.
Are you soul ready to roll to the poll? Souls to the polls is a rides program, Senator.
I'm just here to register to vote for Rendell.
Well, it's not my job to tell you who to vote for, sir.
I'm just here to encourage you to exercise your right to vote.
Thanks for helping out, Senator.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for coming.
Ed Rendell's been a good friend to this community, and we need him in Washington.
Uh, the important thing is that you're voting, sir.
Where do I write Ed Rendell's name? You don't do that today, ma'am.
You do that voting day.
Wednesday, November 5th.
Wednesday.
Okay.
Uh Tuesday, November 4th.
Oh, well, now you just confused me.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
Tuesday.
Vote on Tuesday, November 4th.
Tuesday, all right.
You understand it's not about craving, right? It's no more about sex than problem gambling is about money? Well, it sure feels like it's about sex.
I mean, there's the pheromones, the electricity, the I know the characteristics, Andy.
What happens if you don't scratch that itch? Nothing.
Nothing falls off.
There is only upside.
Monogamy allows you to honor someone you value.
You do value her, I take it.
I do.
I really do.
You know, I asked Ted Kennedy once what he did to control it, whether he got shots or something.
You did not.
What did he say? He gave me an evil look.
And yet he seems to have had a very successful final marriage.
His journey became about love.
Yours may too.
You really think so? You've been here an hour, and you haven't mentioned how Adriana leaving hurts you politically just how it hurts you.
You're right.
What's all that camera gear for? Oh, that's a reality show my kid's in Real Daughters of D.
C.
Oh, right, Elliot was telling me about it how his daughter's not in it.
Yeah, it's been pretty much a nightmare till yesterday.
Charlotte and I, I don't know, connected.
Could you open these, Gil? Let them breathe.
Man, good thing beer doesn't need to breathe.
It's always ready when you are.
Waiting on wine is like waiting on your wife to finish her makeup.
I think I'm gonna bail on that one.
I'll get it.
Good evening, ladies.
It's so nice of you Well, thank you.
Alice, Patty, Meredith, Susan.
Wait a minute.
This is bipartisan? Damn fine of you.
Mwah! Good to see you.
Oh, hey.
Come on in.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Hello, how are you? Thank you.
Thank ah! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Whoa, careful.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's all right.
- How are you? - Hi.
- Hi, how you doing? - Welcome.
Where is he? The senator's getting into costume.
I hate those words.
Nothing good ever follows.
Ah, he'll be fine.
He actually knows his cards.
We played go fish the whole flight out.
This is one of your duties now? I don't mind.
James, may I ask you a personal question? Sure.
What's up? Ever since you mentioned you didn't go to Harvard, I've just been curious about your background.
Where is your family originally from, exactly? Oh, we're mongrels.
Irish, scotch, Franco-Germanic, Lithuanian for the most part.
I see.
Any ancestors of note? Not really.
Yeah.
Most of my people just scraped by.
Barbers, tinkers, carnies I was the first member of my family to go to summer camp.
Senator quick draw is in the house.
Right this way, Senator Quick Draw.
They call it command rape.
It's not coercive in a physical sense, but the subordinate is pressured into sex under the threat of dangerous duty or of being written up.
But to report it, she has to go through her commander, who has a huge conflict of interest.
He doesn't want it on his unit's record, he doesn't want to pull the rapist offline, or the rapist may be a buddy of his.
- Or the commander himself.
- Incredible.
That's the reason the decision to prosecute has to be outside the chain of command.
Where's the bill now? We're four shy of a floor vote, but it's not gonna happen before the election.
Don't be so sure, Susan.
I have three daughters myself, not that you'd want to see 'em in the military or in any position of responsibility for that matter.
But if they were, I'd be mad as hell if command didn't have their back.
You already got my vote.
Let me do what I can do about rounding up the rest of them.
In the meantime, ah, I want to thank the caucus for inviting me into their famous zone of civility.
It has been an education.
If you'll excuse me, I need some more of Senator Conklin's mac and cheese, Senator Morris's steak salad, and Senator DuPeche's aerated vino.
- Ladies.
- To our host.
- To our host.
- Hear, hear.
Before we get started on this year's job for a day, I just want to thank Saul and Shelly watt and the golden plum for their hospitality.
With that, let's get started, shall we? Who wants to play some Blackjack? - I do.
- Great.
All right.
Man, strong Jack, and 19, 20, 20.
Dealer has Blackjack for the house.
Ah, man.
There goes the college fund.
- I'm out.
- College fund? Really? Consider a state school much more affordable.
Penn.
Well, what a surprise.
You're surprised, really? You shouldn't be.
This is my town, Louis.
And this is my favorite table, as it happens.
Let's play.
Oh, a pair of 6s.
I love 6s.
Let's split 'em.
- Split 6s.
- Yeah, let's split 6s.
And then how about you give me a 5 - and a 10 out of there, would you please? - Sorry? Oh, I mean, whatever comes out of the shoe, is what I meant.
5 and a 10 that's 21.
Do it again.
Do it again.
5 and 10 let's see what you've got here.
Dealer 16 dealer breaks.
Oh, wow.
What are the chances of that, huh? That was something.
How many's there? I can't even see.
I haven't got good eyes at all.
Oh, yeah, it's $10,000.
Fun.
Let's hurry up.
I want to get to the next round.
I want to see that 9 of clubs and 3 of hearts.
How'd you do that? Do what? Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Hit me.
Oh.
- 21.
- Is that good? Dealer has 15.
Dealer breaks.
Yeah, dealer does break, doesn't he? Yeah.
Wow! I am almost late for my sold-out show.
Tell you what we're gonna do I'll put everything on the next hand.
Mr.
Jillette, you have almost $500,000 there.
I have $505,000.
Let's play.
7, like that.
7 ooh, a pair of 7s.
Lucky 14! I'm gonna stand.
I'm sorry, Louis.
For what? The 9 of hearts.
Oh, it's diamonds.
I am slipping.
I am slipping.
I'll come back later for the check, Karl.
And, all of you, plenty of tickets available for tomorrow night.
See you all at the Rio and at the polls on November 4th.
Don't worry, sir, the Watts are in Macau.
But it might be a good idea if we leave.
- You clear? - Yeah, I'm clear.
I can't believe it getting called away from my morning blow job for this? Fucking Louis.
He hands over a million bucks of our money to his own goddamn opponent? Who does that? A fucking moron is who does that! Open the door! Where is he? Where's the Moron Senator? Louis, you cocksucker! You owe us a million bucks! Pay up, or we'll rip your goddamn lungs out.
We own your ass now, bitch.
You are totally fucked! So Gil John and I had this amazing catharsis thing, and it was really well shot.
But Charity's father keeps complaining the show's all about me, as if it's my fault that I'm a breakout daughter.
So I threw this epic after-hours party at the US Mint, and Cee Biggs wouldn't even come.
She said it wasn't something a real D.
C.
daughter would do.
How would she know? She hasn't lived here for, like, six years.
To be honest, if there's a second season, I don't see her coming back.
I mean, it's the producer's call, but for the good of the show, you know and it's not personal.
Charity is super nice.
I love her to death.
Such a bitch.
You have no idea.