And Just Like That... (2021) s02e07 Episode Script
February 14th
1
("COME ON LITTLE BIRD" BY BRICE
DAVOLI AND VALERIE DENIZ PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
(AMBIENT STREET NOISE)
(TRUCK BEEPING)
CHARLOTTE: Okay, so, what did he say?
That he was coming to town for a meeting
and asked me to
go to dinner Thursday.
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
Thursday?! It's Valentine's Day!
He asked you to dinner
on Valentine's Day!
No, he probably doesn't even
know it's Valentine's Day.
Well, if he doesn't know
that it's Valentine's Day,
then he's not in a relationship.
Uh, I-I don't think Carrie wants
to hear the inner machinations
Well, wait, wait, wait.
N-n-n-n-not so fast.
- How so?
- CHARLOTTE: A girlfriend would be letting him know.
So, the way I see it,
either "A," he knows
and he has asked you to
dinner on Valentine's Day,
or "B," he doesn't know,
and he doesn't have a girlfriend.
I think he doesn't know.
And therefore, doesn't
have a girlfriend?
Possibly. I mean, why else
would he be asking me to dinner?
And full disclosure
yeah, I knew it was Valentine's Day
when I wrote back "yes" to his email.
So, what about you?
What are your plans for Valentine's Day?
- Any new ladies on the horizon?
- No.
And why do you assume
only ladies on the horizon?
Should we not be assuming only ladies?
MIRANDA: Honestly, I have no idea.
It was Che that I was drawn
to, and they're non-binary.
It's not like I was married to Steve
and fantasizing about
Brady's friend Drew's hot mom.
But ya pulled that
name up pretty quickly.
Well, she's clearly
hot. Everyone knows that.
- Is she single?
- You don't even know if she's gay.
You don't even know if you're gay.
And as your very good
friend for over 25 years,
I just think you should figure it out,
so that you can find love again.
You're like Cupid on steroids.
So, we were thinking on Thursday,
we could get together
for a few cocktails.
Yeah, we haven't had a night out,
just the three of us, in forever.
Doesn't that sound fun?
Actually, it sounds more
like my married girlfriends
are worried I'm alone on
my first Valentine's Day
since my Andre breakup.
- I'll pay for the drinks.
- NYA: I'm fine.
I have the perfect evening planned.
I'm gonna stay at home and
make myself a chocolate souffle.
I'm having a "me-vening."
- A "me-vening"?
- F fine. We'll come to Brooklyn.
- No! You're stuck with your husbands.
- Fuck.
So, we don't think we should have
to wear these uniforms in winter.
You don't think the waitresses at
Hooters wear puffy coats, do ya?
Good meeting. Back to the bread.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hotfellas Bakery. Yes, this is he.
She did? She did?!
She does?!
Yes, we can talk details
on a follow-up call.
Thank you!
Drew Barrymore loved the
bread basket I sent over
and she thinks it
would be fun to have me
and a Hotfella on for Valentine's Day!
Which one of you delivered the basket?
Me.
Uh, that better be insulin.
It's H.G.H. My calves
are under-performing.
I mean, look at these guys.
Nope. Uh-uh.
This isn't the Moscow Olympics.
I run a clean business.
Hang up your onesie and go.
(THOM LAUGHS)
- You serious?
- It's a morning show.
Orange juice and juice-heads
do not go together.
Hey, just to be clear
no one doing human growth
hormone can be a Hotfella.
- Fuck it then. Yeah.
- Okay.
- HOTFELLA: I'm goin' to the gym.
- I
Leave the uniforms!
- (GASPS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(STUDENTS SCREAMING, CHEERING)
- Rock is really somethin' of a celebrity, huh?
- I know, it's crazy!
I mean, just the one
Ralph Lauren campaign
and already we have interest
from all three top modeling agencies.
And the Instagram I made for
them already has 3,000 followers.
It took me a year to get half
that many for Richard Burton.
(GASPS) Have you seen
Mr. Burton's latest
"countdown to V-Day" post?
- No, sorry. I'm behind.
- Oh! That's okay, no worries.
I can show it to you.
(SQUEALS) Look!
Look.
LISA: Aw. Aw! Aw.
- Can the girl not stand up on her own?
- Who?
Herbert Jr.'s girlfriend, Baxter.
- She's always hangin' all over him.
- CHARLOTTE: Oh.
(LISA GASPS)
Oh, hell no. It's a
schoolyard, and it's 3:30!
- Uh-oh.
- LISA: Hi!
Mom, I didn't know you were still here.
Oh, I'm here. And so are
all these other people.
As well as the scouts from Harvard.
- We're all here.
- Hi, Mrs. Wexley. I love your purse.
Thank you, Baxter. I love it, too.
Because it has a strap,
and my hand is free
to not hold it all the time in public.
GABRIELLE: Mommy!
Hi, baby. Seriously it's 3:30.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHONE BUZZING)
CHE: Oh, that was so good.
Ooh.
- Uh
- Hey, I have a question to ask you,
but I didn't wanna put
us off our cheeseburgers.
- Ooh, what is it?
- Is Miranda ghosting me?
- Define "ghosting."
- O-kay. That's a big yes.
Bummer. I thought we ended pretty well.
Well, she didn't say anything,
but that is kind of her M.O.
- Mm.
- You know, with her exes.
You know, if things don't
Something doesn't work out for her,
she gets very, um, introspective
Carrie, I really appreciate the info,
but I don't need to hear
a Ted Talk on Miranda.
Okay, good, 'cause I
really don't wanna give one.
(CHUCKLES) No, I was
just I was asking
because she left a box of
her shit at my apartment.
- Oh.
- And I need to clear it out, uh, to Airbnb it, so.
- Wait, you're, you're Airbnb-ing?
- (CHE SIGHS)
Yeah, I have to. No real cash comin' in.
- (SCREAMS) Oh!
- Oh!
- (CHE LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God. I thought it was a rat.
Hey! Hey, buddy.
Come here. Come here.
- Come on.
- Che, Che, Che, Che.
Che, che, you can't go around
just touching random animals.
Yeah, it's okay. I used to do this.
- Used to do what?
- Hey.
JUDY: There you go, Mr. Sprinkles.
Hey there she is.
Uh, I thought I told your ass not
to bring me any more charity cases.
But this one is so cute!
I mean, look at her cute, little paws!
You got some of your Hollywood
money to patch up what's wrong
- with little miss cutie paws?
- Hollywood broke up with me, Judy.
- I think you'll survive.
- Oh!
I was talkin' to the dog, not you.
- Oh.
- Let me have a look.
- I found her three blocks from here.
- Mm.
You picked the wrong one, sweetie.
Next time, you need to
limp your pathetic ass
through a better neighborhood.
"Awoof. Why couldn't a
rich white lady pick me up?"
- (JUDY/CHE HOWLING)
- "Instead of some busted, broke-ass stand-up comic.
- Awooo."
- (JUDY LAUGHING)
- Aww. Mm.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're the best.
- Ah. Shut up before I change my mind.
- (CHE CHUCKLES)
- Hey if you're really broke,
I never cleaned out your locker.
- (CHE GASPS)
- Not 'cause I'm sentimental,
- 'cause I'm lazy.
- Full-time? With benefits?
Full-time, uh, plus whatever it
costs to patch up this damn dog.
- (CHE CHUCKLES)
- Dr. Fisher and I could use some extra hands.
- Hm.
- And I can always use a laugh.
Know anyone who's funny?
- No.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, my God! Look at this place!
February also happens to
be Black History Month,
but all we ever get are
two shelves and a table.
And there is it. Two
shelves and the table.
- (NYA CHUCKLES)
- Yep.
- Oh, my God.
- Am I a lesbian?
Uh, wh Is that a new children's book?
- Seriously.
- (NYA LAUGHS)
I don't even know what
LGBTQIA dating sites to go on.
It's like a cruise
ship buffet of choices.
Uh, lesbian, bisexual,
cis couples seeking bisexuals.
The only two categories
I can comfortably rule out
are Black People Meet and GayDaddy.com.
(NYA CHUCKLES)
Well, as I tell my students, uh,
- when they are doing their papers
- Yeah.
Explore the topic,
do the research, cite the examples.
- I only have one example.
- Okay, well, then you're gettin' an F.
You're right.
I'm like one of those
floundering students
that doesn't even know
what major to declare.
Yeah, well, I know what I'm looking for.
And that's a souffle cookbook
that doesn't intimidate.
- I'll be right back.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.
AUTHOR: "He came towards
her in an agitated manner
and thus began.
In vain have I struggled.
It will not do.
My feelings will not be repressed.
You must allow me to
tell you how ardently
I admire and love you.
Elizabeth's astonishment
was beyond expression.
She stared, colored,
doubted, and was silent."
Oh, um, excuse me, Amelia.
I love the way you read.
I listened to the entire
Jane Austen audiobook series
that you recorded,
and I was, uh,
listening to you read just now inside.
Yes, I noticed you.
- You, you noticed me?
- Right away.
There's something so alluring
about a beautiful woman
not wearing a hat from
the Regency period.
I'm a total "Austen-head,"
but not to that hat-frenzy level.
Anyway, I, um I-I used
to run listening to her,
uh, listening to you, reading her.
You ran to period prose
instead of say, Bruno Mars?
The miles just flew by, and,
and when I needed to push,
you really got me going.
I got ya going? I
like the sound of that.
- (MIRANDA CHUCKLES)
- So, you know my name.
What's yours?
- I'm Miranda.
- Miranda.
Prospero's daughter in "The Tempest."
Yes, but in Brooklyn,
in the cold. (CHUCKLES)
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't know if what I'm
gonna say is appropriate,
so forgive me if it's not, but
Miranda
you've really got me going as well.
It's appropriate.
So, I asked her out for Thursday night,
but with that voice, I almost jumped her
right then and there in
front of the bookstore.
- It is on!
- CARRIE (ON PHONE): "It's on"?
Maybe, um, maybe you
should check the manual
and make sure that that's
a lesbian-approved phrase.
MIRANDA (ON PHONE): Ya know,
I've always been sort of
turned on by those
Jane Austen audiobooks,
and I thought it was the words,
but maybe it was really Amelia Carsey.
No, seriously, her name's Carsey?
Is Ms. Carsey your Mr. Darcy?
(LAUGHS) God, I hope not!
I don't want years of torment,
I just want one night of great sex.
So, you have Great Sexpectations?
- (MIRANDA CHUCKLES)
- I know that's Dickens, but I can't pun
"Mansfield Park."
Carrie, I was like a whole new me.
I saw her, I wanted her, I went for it.
And I got her!
So, now I know.
Strong, sexy, women are my thing.
I'm done with Dickens.
Look at us! We both have hot
dates for Valentine's Day!
And we are 56 years old!
Wow. Lesbian Miranda's a lot.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You're asleep?
Well, not anymore.
Honey, it's 4:30!
Don't nap-shame me.
I just needed to close
my eyes for a few minutes.
Okay, well, please go
on OpenTable right now
and find us a place to have
dinner on Valentine's Day.
Ugh, that's the worst night of the year.
What a lovely sentiment.
You know what I mean.
They gouge you with those
Valentine's night prices.
Two years ago, we dropped 500 bucks
on a steak, wine, and mousse,
and we vowed "never again."
Well, Lily is having an
"F the boys" dinner party,
and told me that we can't
be here, so start looking.
Sounds like an "F the
parents" dinner party to me.
Blake broke up with her
- two weeks before Valentine's Day.
- Mm-hmm.
So if she wants to have an "F the boys"
girls night with the
cool girls from school,
then I'm like, "F us."
Since when do you care so much about her
and the cool girls from school?
Since those mean seniors made
fun of her original music.
Oh, I saw that one comin'.
A song called "The Power of Privilege"
practically has a "kick
me" sign on its back.
(CHARLOTTE SIGHS)
- Every place is booked.
- (CHARLOTTE SIGHS)
Oop, oop, oop. Wait, wait, wait.
I see a 5:30 at Gotham downtown.
Oh, no, that's too early.
I've gotta take Rock on
all those agency meetings.
- Keep looking.
- I think we should take that 5:30.
Every place is gonna be the same.
(EXHALES) Okay, I'll make it work.
- (LISA TYPING)
- Well I just got us
a table at Monkey Bar on Thursday night.
No!
- Yes.
- They're totally booked.
How much money did you
have to throw around?
Let's just say that Henry is
no longer goin' to college,
- a and neither is Gabby.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Mom and Dad, good news.
Whatever it is, we got no cash.
No, but listen, all right?
Baxter's mom and dad got us a suite
at the Mandarin Oriental
for Valentine's Day.
- No, they didn't.
- Yeah, Mom, they did.
Here, let me show you
the text Baxter sent.
No, I don't think you understand.
I said, "No, they did not,"
because you are not going.
We can't even talk about it?
We just did. That's not happenin'.
- You embarrassed me at school, Mom.
- No
- you embarrassed yourself.
- No, Dad,
she totally called me out in front
of Baxter and, like, everyone.
Your son's girlfriend
practically had her hand
- down his pants in public!
- (HERBERT JR. SCOFFS)
Is it too late for me not to be here?
No, her hand was on my belt, Mom.
- Why are you so uptight?
- Hey.
I mean, seriously, why
can't we go to the Mandarin?
I mean, now we have nowhere
to hang for Valentine's Day!
Why don't you hang here?
You'll have the place to yourselves.
Your mother and I are goin' to dinner
and your brother and
sister have sleepovers.
Fine.
No, call him back.
Because you forgot to
tell him that it was
okay to fuck in our bed.
'Cause that's happening.
This girl has no boundaries.
They are not gonna have sex in our bed.
His? Definitely. But not ours.
And this is not about me being
uptight about him having sex.
I was totally fine with
his last girlfriend.
It's just this one.
She acts like he's her
property or something.
Well, he is not her property
and he's not your property.
Right?
Okay, well, I'm gonna
take that as a "yes."
(SIGHS)
ANTHONY (ON PHONE): Drew
Barrymore is tomorrow
and I don't have a Hotfella.
Wait, I'm confused.
Don't you have Hotfellas
that didn't walk out?
Yeah, but they're all porn-star
hot, not morning-mom hot.
What is morning-mom hot?
ANTHONY: Look, the show's audience
is moms folding laundry at home.
They need romance, fantasy.
It's more "kiss me" than "fist me."
Anthony, I am in a card store!
ANTHONY: I can't go on the show alone.
They want a Hotfella wearing
the Hotfellas uniform.
I am so screwed.
(WHISPERS) Maybe not.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- (SENDS MESSAGE)
I just sent you a picture of someone
here who might be able to do it.
ANTHONY: What? You found
Romeo in a card store?
(MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
You found fuckin' Romeo in a card store!
Oh, my God! He's gorgeous! Char, Char!
You have to make this happen.
Tell him I'll pay anything.
Listen, I don't think we're
gonna have to go that far
because he is selling poems
in a card store for a dollar.
ANTHONY: For a sweet woman,
you're rough sometimes.
Good luck. Call me back.
CHARLOTTE: Okay.
(CHARLOTTE BREATHES DEEPLY)
Buongiorno. Would you like a love poem?
Oh, is that a real Italian accent?
(CHUCKLES) Yes. Why
would it not be real?
Oh, I-I just thought
that you were an actor
just doing an accent for the job.
No, I'm not an actor. I'm a poet.
So, a dollar a poem?
What if I pay you $300,
but you don't have to write 300 poems.
I would want you to do
something else for that money.
- (GIUSEPPE SIGHS)
- Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. Nothing like that.
Nothing like that. No,
no. I'm married with kids.
So, was the woman who wanted to buy me
a cashmere sweater this morning.
- CHARLOTTE (ON PHONE): When are you gonna be on?
- ANTHONY: Next.
I'm so excited, too.
The stage manager lady
just came over and said
we'd be on the next segment.
Giuseppe's puttin' on the uniform now.
He is perfect for Drew.
He's sweet, sexy, nothing in your face.
It's okay?
CHARLOTTE: Anthony?
Anthony, are you there?
Yeah it's okay.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
Alright, and we're back,
ladies and gentlemen,
with Anthony Marantino
of Hotfellas Bakery
right here in New York City.
Now, your bread is so delicious,
but where did you come
up with the fun name?
Well, Drew, who doesn't love a
Hotfella delivering hot bread?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- DREW: Uh, no one.
And, actually, Anthony, um, brought
one of his Hotfella
delivery men here, right?
- We've got Giuseppe?
- Yes, we do.
Well, should we invite him out?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
DREW: Without further ado,
please welcome Hotfella
Giuseppe!
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
Oh, my God. That is a big basket.
ANTHONY: It has all my bread selections.
- DREW: Big basket.
- ANTHONY: Big basket!
- Giuseppe. (CHUCKLES)
- ANTHONY: He's adorable, isn't he?
(STAMMERING)
And, uh, uh, much like our audience,
uh, who started with a, a sourdough, uh,
- starter in the pandemic, so did you.
- Yes, I did,
but it got outta that Tupperware
and it just kept on growing.
Well, how big do you
think it's gonna get?
Honestly, I don't know.
I'm surprised it's this big.
I think it's gonna be huge.
We're a hit! Hotfellas'
Instagram is blowing up!
"Hot," "Hot," "Hawt." (CHUCKLES)
"Is he gluten-free?"
- That's cute.
- Here is your uniform. Ciao.
Wait what do you mean "ciao"?
I just got your Venmo, so, ciao.
In the last hour, I
got 100 bread orders,
and they're all expecting
someone "hot, hot, hawt"
- to deliver them.
- It's New York.
There are plenty of hot, hot, hawt guys.
Not like you. I'll pay
you whatever you want.
I'm not a prostitute. I'm a poet.
- And I'm a convict! In jail for false advertising.
- (GIUSEPPE SIGHS)
Giuseppe please. For a week.
Just until I get on the other side
of this Valentine's Day bump.
Then you can go poet your ass off.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
if you don't say yes, I'll kill myself.
- That doesn't even rhyme.
- Well
you're the poet.
- One week.
- Thank you.
ROSS MATHEWS: Is he
here? Is he still here?
Ah, man, I'm too late.
He already changed.
Ah, oh well.
Oh, hey, Uh, ya know, I'm
not really eating carbs,
but I liked your bread.
- Thank you.
- ROSS: Yeah.
You know, it's also good
in a wool pant. (CHUCKLES)
I've been, like, you
know, floating around,
so looking forward to this dinner,
and then the minute he
sent the time and the place,
suddenly, I'm very nervous.
- Well, I'm glad you called.
- (CARRIE SIGHS DEEPLY)
An emergency massage is
precisely what my drawer
full of spa gifts are made for.
I don't know. What if he's
different? What if I'm different?
I've had, like, a whole life, you know?
What if it's just it's too much time?
We haven't laid eyes on
each other in 13 years.
- Thirteen years.
- No worries there. You look amazing.
- Mm.
- The big question is,
how do you think he's going to look?
- Mm.
- Case in point,
when I dated this man many years ago,
he was a total John Kennedy.
- Hm.
- Bumped into him recently, late-stage Ted.
Hello, welcome. How can I help you?
I made an appointment for massages.
Seema Patel, 2:30.
Wonderful. One couple's massage.
Oh, no, sorry. We're not a couple.
Oh, uh, sorry. It, it says "two."
Yes. Two people. Separate massages.
There's been a misunderstanding.
We're only doing couples massages today
- because of the holiday.
- What holiday?
- Valentine's Day.
- And I repeat: what holiday?
Last I looked, it was Thursday.
Banks are open, mail's being delivered.
Well, it's just something nice we do
on this day to celebrate couples.
Why? Mm, aren't they celebrated enough?
- Seema, I don't need a massage.
- You do.
- She does.
- I have a solution.
Can you pretend to be a couple?
I can't. I'm too busy pretending
not to be outraged.
It's just We are fully booked.
How can you be fully booked?
I just called, and made a reservation.
Yes, for two.
And all of our massage spaces today
are booked for two tables.
So, where on this very
expensive gift card
does it list the blackout
dates for fake holidays?
It's just our policy for today.
Understood. So, do you have a date
set aside where you ban couples?
No, because single
people have rights, too.
Seema, h-honestly, let's just,
let's just go grab a glass of wine.
I'm al I'm already too tense.
I really can't handle a
February 14th spa insurrection.
I'm taking this to Yelp.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
CARRIE: Sorry.
Have a seat.
("1234 HELLO" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
It is 1:40. Our appointment
was for one o'clock.
- This is disrespectful.
- They'll get to us.
But when? I took you out
of science lab for this.
I mean, who do they think they are?
We're not even in Manhattan.
Yeah, this is the cool agency.
Well, it is not cool to keep
us waiting over half an hour.
- I'm gonna say something.
- You already did.
♪
Hi again. We need to be seen now.
Um they are before you.
Well, are they on charging
stations all over the city?
Are they in a Ralph Lauren campaign?
Mom!
We cannot wait any longer.
Rock has other appointments today
at IMG and Elite in Manhattan.
We're gonna go. Come on! Come!
Well, I really like
the women at Elite, too,
but since both big agencies want us,
we just have a decision to make.
- I made a decision.
- Oh, really? Which one, Elite or IMG?
Neither. I don't wanna do this anymore.
Wait, what?!
It's not fun, and you
were kinda gross today.
Real "Dance Mom" vibes.
I think I was hypoglycemic.
You said I could stop
modeling if I wanted to stop.
I wanna stop.
But what about all
the time and the effort
that we put into it?
And what about your
3,000 Instagram followers?
I have nothing to do with that.
You do. And now you can devote
more time with your other client.
What other client?
That one.
("ANTI-HERO" BY TAYLOR
SWIFT PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
- Hi, I'm the problem, it's me ♪
- (SINGING ALONG)
Lily! That music is a little loud!
Mom! Go! You're ruining the mood.
- I just got home.
- You said you wouldn't be here.
Fine, fine. But look, I got you
girls a Valentine's Day cake.
We don't need it. Kara made brownies,
and there's way too many as it is.
Now, please go!
- Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby ♪
- Mom! Go!
Harry, we've gotta go!
CHARLOTTE: And the
more I think about them,
the madder I get.
I didn't even take time for lunch today
because I was so busy running
around to all of Rock's appointments,
and getting that surprise
special cake for Lily,
which then she basically spat on
before she kicked me out of my own home.
It's 5:45. How can seating
be backed up already?
And you don't wanna be a model, fine!
Just do me a favor and tell me
before I make the effort of getting you
a blue checkmark on fucking Instagram!
Honey, you gotta calm down.
Gonna give yourself a heart attack.
Harry Harry.
I feel like something's really wrong.
You mean besides the
fact that the hostess
won't make eye contact with me?
Okay, we'll text you.
Maybe I'm having low blood sugar,
but I suddenly feel really weird.
Weird, weird how?
Like, tingling in my face, and Whoa.
- I can feel my blood.
- What, what?
What do you mean you
can feel your blood?
And my mouth feels really weird.
Am I slurring my words?
- What, like a stroke?!
- Oh, my God!
- Am I having a stroke?
- Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go. Here we go. Excuse me?!
Sir, I already told you,
- I'm doing the best
- My wife is having a stroke.
- Do you really think that's gonna work?
- Call a fucking ambulance!
- (SIREN WAILING)
- She said her face was tingling.
Uh, she said she could feel her blood.
- I could! I could!
- That can't be good, right?
Oh, boy. Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Sir, you can't ride in the back.
- This is the love of my life!
- You'll be fine up front.
- I love you so much, Harry!
- I love you, too, baby!
Don't you leave me now!
If I die, please let Carrie
pick out what I'm buried in!
Is she gonna die?
I don't think so.
Um, babe what are you doing?
I'm booby-trapping our bed.
(SIGHS) Because if these pillows
are different when we get home
I'll know they were
here and I'll have proof.
- Proof of what?
- (SIGHS) That I am not uptight
and that Baxter has some
serious boundary issues.
Okay, Lis, you do you,
but that's not so much
a booby trap as it is a booty trap.
Exactly.
(LIGHT JAZZ PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
NYA: Oh, w Look at you.
I see someone has finally
declared a major in "hot mama."
My lady just texted me to not
meet her at the restaurant,
but to come to her
place for dinner instead.
Are you okay with that?
Oh, my God, yes! It's so refreshing.
And, dare I say, quite scandalous.
- (NYA CHUCKLING)
- Okay, well, I'm outta here.
You sure you're gonna be okay tonight?
Me? Oh, so okay.
Me and chocolate, a
match made in heaven.
- (MIRANDA LAUGHS)
- You go get your A-plus in
"Queer Sexuality and
19th Century Literature."
- Tally-ho.
- (NYA CHUCKLING)
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Hi.
- MAITRE D': Buongiorno.
Um, a reservation for Aidan Shaw.
It's a party of two, eight o'clock.
Yes, sure. Come, come.
This way.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Here we go.
Oh, okay.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
("VIENE VIENE AMMORE" BY MARIA
PARIS PLAYING IN RESTAURANT)
Oh, there will be,
there'll be two of us.
Thank you.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So
- ya didn't have a stroke.
- Oh, thank God.
You do have a pretty significant
amount of THC in your bloodstream.
- What?
- I see it more and more.
People in your age group
haven't quite learned
how to navigate the power of a gummy.
She doesn't do gummies.
She won't even take a Tylenol PM.
Y-Ya gotta run some more tests.
I know for a fact my wife is not high.
Wait, wait, Harry.
I might be.
Before dinner, I ate a homemade brownie
that one of Lily's new
friends brought over.
Oh, yeah, "space cake." Mystery solved.
Okay, um,
finish these fluids. I'll
fill out the discharge orders,
and you can, uh, go
home and sleep it off.
- Thanks, Doctor.
- Yeah, take care.
- (CHARLOTTE EXHALES)
- Well at least you're not dyin'.
I'm gonna kill our oldest,
but at least you're not dyin'.
Honey
when I was in that ambulance,
my life flashed in front of me,
and I didn't like what I saw.
I'm a "mom-ager" for
Rock, a maid for Lily,
and, and a pimp for Anthony?
What happened?
- Where am I in all this?
- Honey
- you're here.
- No.
No, I'm not.
I am gonna call Mark Kassabian,
and I'm gonna ask him if
the job that he offered me
at the gallery is still available.
I have got to get back to me.
And it's not just the pot talking.
Okay?
Okay.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING IN RESTAURANT)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh, my God.
What?
Excuse me? Excuse me? Sorry.
Um, I hate to be this person,
- but my phone just died, and
- Same as mine.
Here.
Here.
Thank you so much. I'm
waiting for someone,
and he's running a little late,
and I ju
Just make sure he's on his way.
'Scuse me.
Thanks.
No dick making me stupid ♪
No funny Valentine lovin' from Cupid ♪
Need someone to get to it ♪
I see you beggin' so
there ain't no choosin' ♪
- Delicious.
- There must be a glitch in my phone ♪
I'm ready for the
switch to turn me on ♪
Won't you come and
do somethin' fun to me ♪
'Cause I'm tryna have you ♪
Waste my time, get on my line ♪
'Cause I got the time to waste ♪
Use that mouth, blow this back out ♪
Back up every word you say ♪
(DOG BARKING)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, come on in.
Thank you so much for
the change of plans.
Uh, I ran behind doing a
series of drops for PBS,
and I-I just needed all
the time I could get.
Oh, you record right here?
Yeah. I mean, it started
during the pandemic
- Oh!
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry. You know what?
That is usually in the shower,
but Pickles is hiding in there.
She does not like people. (CHUCKLES)
But no worries, no worries.
I'll, um, uh, you know what?
No worries. I'll just
I'll clean it up later.
(AMELIA SIGHS)
- Can I take your, uh, coat?
- Sure. Thanks.
- Wow, Miranda.
- (MIRANDA CHUCKLES)
To quote Mrs. Bennet in "P and P:"
"How can you be so teasing?"
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Oh, I think I just
- What?
- Yeah, I just stepped in cat poo.
Um, oh, fuck. Fuck me!
(EXHALES) I left the
sheets in the laundry room.
Um, I'm You know what? I'm
just gonna run down and get 'em.
Uh, listen. Um, there are, uh menus.
Just choose whatever you want,
and we'll do Grubhub
either before or after.
So, whatever you want.
A Oh, you know what? Do you, um
do you have any quarters,
uh, just in case?
'Cause, you know, flannel
sheets always take longer.
- I-I'm fresh out.
- Uh, I
(CHUCKLES) I-I don't think that I do.
(EXHALES) It's fine. You know what?
I'll just go to the
bodega on the corner.
It's no biggie. Um just, uh, yeah.
Make yourself comfortable.
I'll see ya soon.
- (PICKLES HISSES, MEOWS)
- (MIRANDA SCREAMS)
- Hm.
- All quiet on the pillow front?
Maybe she cracked my code.
Baby, admit it. The only
boundary issues that girl has
are sexual ones, and that bothers you.
- (BAXTER GASPS)
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, hi, Mrs. Wexley.
Um, I just wanted to get a pic
with this awesome purse for my Insta.
- Hope it's okay.
- (SCOFFS) No
Baxter, it is not okay.
That is my property. This is my space.
- So please go.
- Mom.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- (BAXTER SIGHS)
Dad, say something.
(LISA, HERBERT STAMMERING)
Come on.
- M'kay.
- Baby.
You are on your own, boy.
You know, sex is one thing,
but your mother's closet?
Have you lost your mind?
CARRIE (ON PHONE):
Aidan's 30 minutes late.
He, he wouldn't stand me up, would he?
No, Aidan's a good guy. Did ya call him?
CARRIE: The number I
have isn't good anymore.
- Mm.
- I don't know. Maybe he got cold feet.
It's understandable. I thought
about staying home, too.
Oh I wish I'd had that thought.
Oh, my God! I totally
forgot you're on your,
you're on your hot date with Ms. Darcey.
Go, go. I'm sorry. Go.
She isn't here. Neither is Jane Austen.
Unless Miss Austen forgot
to clean her litter box.
Amelia is off getting quarters
to dry her flannel sheets.
And I really need to pee,
but her freak of a cat attacked
me when I went in the bathroom.
Carrie, I may be
different, but dating isn't.
It's still a shit show. A cat shit show.
Well, do you have to stay?
What?
Do you have to stay?
Ya know what?
I don't.
35-year-old straight Miranda would stay,
but 56-year-old lesbian
Miranda wouldn't.
(LAUGHS) I'll tell her
I'm allergic to cats!
- Yeah, and dating.
- (QUIETLY) Ugh, I better go.
I don't wanna run
into her on the stairs.
CARRIE: Should I leave, too?
- (MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
- Wait.
- Oh, it's a text from him.
- See? Good guy.
- Have fun.
- Bye. Bye.
Um
"I'm here where are you?"
Well
"I'm here. Where are you?"
- (MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
- "Re "
"Red booth"?
Excuse me, excuse me, is,
is this 60 West 55th Street?
Next door.
Oh.
Okay. Thank you.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
What are the chances
this would ever happen?
♪
Hi.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
How do you look exactly the same?
I, uh, I lost 40 pounds
- since I emailed you last week.
- (CARRIE LAUGHS)
(DEEP BREATH)
I was sorry to hear about John.
I wanted to write you,
but I didn't know if I should.
But I was thinkin' about you.
Thank you.
I read your book about it.
And it was sad and it was beautiful.
Well it was sad
not beautiful.
But, time, you know?
I'm better.
Yeah, well, uh, I'm
very glad to hear that.
Anyone new in your life?
I I couldn't find
that information online.
(LAUGHS)
No. No, no one new.
- You?
- Nope.
That's why I gained those 40 pounds.
- (LAUGHS)
- Man, sittin' here with you.
It's like 10 years just
I thought maybe you stood me up.
- I thought you stood me up.
- No mm-mm.
We're on the same page.
We're on the same page.
CARRIE: I got a bottle opener.
AIDAN: Okay.
- I know how to slap 'em off.
- (LAUGHS) I know you do.
Hey, you
- you still live here?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I moved back.
It's a story Come on up.
When you said "Go back to your place,"
I-I just thought ya
had a different place.
What's happening now?
At the restaurant, I
just thought how great,
this f this feels really great.
We're back where we started.
(SIGHS) But this is where we ended
with the fuckin' wall
I couldn't break through,
and those floors, remember
the floors that I redid?
I mean, it's all bad. And
it's just It's all in there.
Okay, yes, it's
it's the same place, but
but we're not in the same place.
And really, uh, it, it, it
doesn't even look the same.
It's Like, I-I hung
wallpaper and I've repainted.
And it wasn't all bad, Aidan, was it?
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
Are you listening?
Yeah, I am. I'm, I'm, I'm listening.
I just can't do it. I
No matter how much I want to
I can't go in there again with all that.
♪
I'm never goin' in there again.
I thought it felt too easy, too.
I understand.
(STAMMERS) I do.
I guess time doesn't heal everything.
No matter how much you want it to.
Shit.
I-I should go. I
♪
Hey, fuck it.
This is New York.
They have hotels, right?
("IKYK" BY OGI PLAYING)
CARRIE: And just like that
Aidan and I were back on the same page.
Brother, I see your heavy load ♪
It seems too hard to bear ♪
But I'll walk with
you down this road ♪
This is a burden to share ♪
Why would you go alone in
light of what's goin' on ♪
Don't do this on your own
'cause I been here all along ♪
Said I know you
know that I'll be there ♪
Whenever you need me, oh, oh, oh ♪
Why would you go alone in
light of what's goin' on ♪
Don't do this on your own
'cause I been here all along ♪
I know you know that I'll be there ♪
Whenever you need me, oh, oh, oh ♪
You don't need to doubt it ♪
You won't be without the best team ♪
A family, you and me ♪
Don't care whose about it ♪
You can't lose 'cause
we're the best team ♪
("COME ON LITTLE BIRD" BY BRICE
DAVOLI AND VALERIE DENIZ PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
(AMBIENT STREET NOISE)
(TRUCK BEEPING)
CHARLOTTE: Okay, so, what did he say?
That he was coming to town for a meeting
and asked me to
go to dinner Thursday.
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
Thursday?! It's Valentine's Day!
He asked you to dinner
on Valentine's Day!
No, he probably doesn't even
know it's Valentine's Day.
Well, if he doesn't know
that it's Valentine's Day,
then he's not in a relationship.
Uh, I-I don't think Carrie wants
to hear the inner machinations
Well, wait, wait, wait.
N-n-n-n-not so fast.
- How so?
- CHARLOTTE: A girlfriend would be letting him know.
So, the way I see it,
either "A," he knows
and he has asked you to
dinner on Valentine's Day,
or "B," he doesn't know,
and he doesn't have a girlfriend.
I think he doesn't know.
And therefore, doesn't
have a girlfriend?
Possibly. I mean, why else
would he be asking me to dinner?
And full disclosure
yeah, I knew it was Valentine's Day
when I wrote back "yes" to his email.
So, what about you?
What are your plans for Valentine's Day?
- Any new ladies on the horizon?
- No.
And why do you assume
only ladies on the horizon?
Should we not be assuming only ladies?
MIRANDA: Honestly, I have no idea.
It was Che that I was drawn
to, and they're non-binary.
It's not like I was married to Steve
and fantasizing about
Brady's friend Drew's hot mom.
But ya pulled that
name up pretty quickly.
Well, she's clearly
hot. Everyone knows that.
- Is she single?
- You don't even know if she's gay.
You don't even know if you're gay.
And as your very good
friend for over 25 years,
I just think you should figure it out,
so that you can find love again.
You're like Cupid on steroids.
So, we were thinking on Thursday,
we could get together
for a few cocktails.
Yeah, we haven't had a night out,
just the three of us, in forever.
Doesn't that sound fun?
Actually, it sounds more
like my married girlfriends
are worried I'm alone on
my first Valentine's Day
since my Andre breakup.
- I'll pay for the drinks.
- NYA: I'm fine.
I have the perfect evening planned.
I'm gonna stay at home and
make myself a chocolate souffle.
I'm having a "me-vening."
- A "me-vening"?
- F fine. We'll come to Brooklyn.
- No! You're stuck with your husbands.
- Fuck.
So, we don't think we should have
to wear these uniforms in winter.
You don't think the waitresses at
Hooters wear puffy coats, do ya?
Good meeting. Back to the bread.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hotfellas Bakery. Yes, this is he.
She did? She did?!
She does?!
Yes, we can talk details
on a follow-up call.
Thank you!
Drew Barrymore loved the
bread basket I sent over
and she thinks it
would be fun to have me
and a Hotfella on for Valentine's Day!
Which one of you delivered the basket?
Me.
Uh, that better be insulin.
It's H.G.H. My calves
are under-performing.
I mean, look at these guys.
Nope. Uh-uh.
This isn't the Moscow Olympics.
I run a clean business.
Hang up your onesie and go.
(THOM LAUGHS)
- You serious?
- It's a morning show.
Orange juice and juice-heads
do not go together.
Hey, just to be clear
no one doing human growth
hormone can be a Hotfella.
- Fuck it then. Yeah.
- Okay.
- HOTFELLA: I'm goin' to the gym.
- I
Leave the uniforms!
- (GASPS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(STUDENTS SCREAMING, CHEERING)
- Rock is really somethin' of a celebrity, huh?
- I know, it's crazy!
I mean, just the one
Ralph Lauren campaign
and already we have interest
from all three top modeling agencies.
And the Instagram I made for
them already has 3,000 followers.
It took me a year to get half
that many for Richard Burton.
(GASPS) Have you seen
Mr. Burton's latest
"countdown to V-Day" post?
- No, sorry. I'm behind.
- Oh! That's okay, no worries.
I can show it to you.
(SQUEALS) Look!
Look.
LISA: Aw. Aw! Aw.
- Can the girl not stand up on her own?
- Who?
Herbert Jr.'s girlfriend, Baxter.
- She's always hangin' all over him.
- CHARLOTTE: Oh.
(LISA GASPS)
Oh, hell no. It's a
schoolyard, and it's 3:30!
- Uh-oh.
- LISA: Hi!
Mom, I didn't know you were still here.
Oh, I'm here. And so are
all these other people.
As well as the scouts from Harvard.
- We're all here.
- Hi, Mrs. Wexley. I love your purse.
Thank you, Baxter. I love it, too.
Because it has a strap,
and my hand is free
to not hold it all the time in public.
GABRIELLE: Mommy!
Hi, baby. Seriously it's 3:30.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHONE BUZZING)
CHE: Oh, that was so good.
Ooh.
- Uh
- Hey, I have a question to ask you,
but I didn't wanna put
us off our cheeseburgers.
- Ooh, what is it?
- Is Miranda ghosting me?
- Define "ghosting."
- O-kay. That's a big yes.
Bummer. I thought we ended pretty well.
Well, she didn't say anything,
but that is kind of her M.O.
- Mm.
- You know, with her exes.
You know, if things don't
Something doesn't work out for her,
she gets very, um, introspective
Carrie, I really appreciate the info,
but I don't need to hear
a Ted Talk on Miranda.
Okay, good, 'cause I
really don't wanna give one.
(CHUCKLES) No, I was
just I was asking
because she left a box of
her shit at my apartment.
- Oh.
- And I need to clear it out, uh, to Airbnb it, so.
- Wait, you're, you're Airbnb-ing?
- (CHE SIGHS)
Yeah, I have to. No real cash comin' in.
- (SCREAMS) Oh!
- Oh!
- (CHE LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God. I thought it was a rat.
Hey! Hey, buddy.
Come here. Come here.
- Come on.
- Che, Che, Che, Che.
Che, che, you can't go around
just touching random animals.
Yeah, it's okay. I used to do this.
- Used to do what?
- Hey.
JUDY: There you go, Mr. Sprinkles.
Hey there she is.
Uh, I thought I told your ass not
to bring me any more charity cases.
But this one is so cute!
I mean, look at her cute, little paws!
You got some of your Hollywood
money to patch up what's wrong
- with little miss cutie paws?
- Hollywood broke up with me, Judy.
- I think you'll survive.
- Oh!
I was talkin' to the dog, not you.
- Oh.
- Let me have a look.
- I found her three blocks from here.
- Mm.
You picked the wrong one, sweetie.
Next time, you need to
limp your pathetic ass
through a better neighborhood.
"Awoof. Why couldn't a
rich white lady pick me up?"
- (JUDY/CHE HOWLING)
- "Instead of some busted, broke-ass stand-up comic.
- Awooo."
- (JUDY LAUGHING)
- Aww. Mm.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're the best.
- Ah. Shut up before I change my mind.
- (CHE CHUCKLES)
- Hey if you're really broke,
I never cleaned out your locker.
- (CHE GASPS)
- Not 'cause I'm sentimental,
- 'cause I'm lazy.
- Full-time? With benefits?
Full-time, uh, plus whatever it
costs to patch up this damn dog.
- (CHE CHUCKLES)
- Dr. Fisher and I could use some extra hands.
- Hm.
- And I can always use a laugh.
Know anyone who's funny?
- No.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, my God! Look at this place!
February also happens to
be Black History Month,
but all we ever get are
two shelves and a table.
And there is it. Two
shelves and the table.
- (NYA CHUCKLES)
- Yep.
- Oh, my God.
- Am I a lesbian?
Uh, wh Is that a new children's book?
- Seriously.
- (NYA LAUGHS)
I don't even know what
LGBTQIA dating sites to go on.
It's like a cruise
ship buffet of choices.
Uh, lesbian, bisexual,
cis couples seeking bisexuals.
The only two categories
I can comfortably rule out
are Black People Meet and GayDaddy.com.
(NYA CHUCKLES)
Well, as I tell my students, uh,
- when they are doing their papers
- Yeah.
Explore the topic,
do the research, cite the examples.
- I only have one example.
- Okay, well, then you're gettin' an F.
You're right.
I'm like one of those
floundering students
that doesn't even know
what major to declare.
Yeah, well, I know what I'm looking for.
And that's a souffle cookbook
that doesn't intimidate.
- I'll be right back.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.
AUTHOR: "He came towards
her in an agitated manner
and thus began.
In vain have I struggled.
It will not do.
My feelings will not be repressed.
You must allow me to
tell you how ardently
I admire and love you.
Elizabeth's astonishment
was beyond expression.
She stared, colored,
doubted, and was silent."
Oh, um, excuse me, Amelia.
I love the way you read.
I listened to the entire
Jane Austen audiobook series
that you recorded,
and I was, uh,
listening to you read just now inside.
Yes, I noticed you.
- You, you noticed me?
- Right away.
There's something so alluring
about a beautiful woman
not wearing a hat from
the Regency period.
I'm a total "Austen-head,"
but not to that hat-frenzy level.
Anyway, I, um I-I used
to run listening to her,
uh, listening to you, reading her.
You ran to period prose
instead of say, Bruno Mars?
The miles just flew by, and,
and when I needed to push,
you really got me going.
I got ya going? I
like the sound of that.
- (MIRANDA CHUCKLES)
- So, you know my name.
What's yours?
- I'm Miranda.
- Miranda.
Prospero's daughter in "The Tempest."
Yes, but in Brooklyn,
in the cold. (CHUCKLES)
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't know if what I'm
gonna say is appropriate,
so forgive me if it's not, but
Miranda
you've really got me going as well.
It's appropriate.
So, I asked her out for Thursday night,
but with that voice, I almost jumped her
right then and there in
front of the bookstore.
- It is on!
- CARRIE (ON PHONE): "It's on"?
Maybe, um, maybe you
should check the manual
and make sure that that's
a lesbian-approved phrase.
MIRANDA (ON PHONE): Ya know,
I've always been sort of
turned on by those
Jane Austen audiobooks,
and I thought it was the words,
but maybe it was really Amelia Carsey.
No, seriously, her name's Carsey?
Is Ms. Carsey your Mr. Darcy?
(LAUGHS) God, I hope not!
I don't want years of torment,
I just want one night of great sex.
So, you have Great Sexpectations?
- (MIRANDA CHUCKLES)
- I know that's Dickens, but I can't pun
"Mansfield Park."
Carrie, I was like a whole new me.
I saw her, I wanted her, I went for it.
And I got her!
So, now I know.
Strong, sexy, women are my thing.
I'm done with Dickens.
Look at us! We both have hot
dates for Valentine's Day!
And we are 56 years old!
Wow. Lesbian Miranda's a lot.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You're asleep?
Well, not anymore.
Honey, it's 4:30!
Don't nap-shame me.
I just needed to close
my eyes for a few minutes.
Okay, well, please go
on OpenTable right now
and find us a place to have
dinner on Valentine's Day.
Ugh, that's the worst night of the year.
What a lovely sentiment.
You know what I mean.
They gouge you with those
Valentine's night prices.
Two years ago, we dropped 500 bucks
on a steak, wine, and mousse,
and we vowed "never again."
Well, Lily is having an
"F the boys" dinner party,
and told me that we can't
be here, so start looking.
Sounds like an "F the
parents" dinner party to me.
Blake broke up with her
- two weeks before Valentine's Day.
- Mm-hmm.
So if she wants to have an "F the boys"
girls night with the
cool girls from school,
then I'm like, "F us."
Since when do you care so much about her
and the cool girls from school?
Since those mean seniors made
fun of her original music.
Oh, I saw that one comin'.
A song called "The Power of Privilege"
practically has a "kick
me" sign on its back.
(CHARLOTTE SIGHS)
- Every place is booked.
- (CHARLOTTE SIGHS)
Oop, oop, oop. Wait, wait, wait.
I see a 5:30 at Gotham downtown.
Oh, no, that's too early.
I've gotta take Rock on
all those agency meetings.
- Keep looking.
- I think we should take that 5:30.
Every place is gonna be the same.
(EXHALES) Okay, I'll make it work.
- (LISA TYPING)
- Well I just got us
a table at Monkey Bar on Thursday night.
No!
- Yes.
- They're totally booked.
How much money did you
have to throw around?
Let's just say that Henry is
no longer goin' to college,
- a and neither is Gabby.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
Mom and Dad, good news.
Whatever it is, we got no cash.
No, but listen, all right?
Baxter's mom and dad got us a suite
at the Mandarin Oriental
for Valentine's Day.
- No, they didn't.
- Yeah, Mom, they did.
Here, let me show you
the text Baxter sent.
No, I don't think you understand.
I said, "No, they did not,"
because you are not going.
We can't even talk about it?
We just did. That's not happenin'.
- You embarrassed me at school, Mom.
- No
- you embarrassed yourself.
- No, Dad,
she totally called me out in front
of Baxter and, like, everyone.
Your son's girlfriend
practically had her hand
- down his pants in public!
- (HERBERT JR. SCOFFS)
Is it too late for me not to be here?
No, her hand was on my belt, Mom.
- Why are you so uptight?
- Hey.
I mean, seriously, why
can't we go to the Mandarin?
I mean, now we have nowhere
to hang for Valentine's Day!
Why don't you hang here?
You'll have the place to yourselves.
Your mother and I are goin' to dinner
and your brother and
sister have sleepovers.
Fine.
No, call him back.
Because you forgot to
tell him that it was
okay to fuck in our bed.
'Cause that's happening.
This girl has no boundaries.
They are not gonna have sex in our bed.
His? Definitely. But not ours.
And this is not about me being
uptight about him having sex.
I was totally fine with
his last girlfriend.
It's just this one.
She acts like he's her
property or something.
Well, he is not her property
and he's not your property.
Right?
Okay, well, I'm gonna
take that as a "yes."
(SIGHS)
ANTHONY (ON PHONE): Drew
Barrymore is tomorrow
and I don't have a Hotfella.
Wait, I'm confused.
Don't you have Hotfellas
that didn't walk out?
Yeah, but they're all porn-star
hot, not morning-mom hot.
What is morning-mom hot?
ANTHONY: Look, the show's audience
is moms folding laundry at home.
They need romance, fantasy.
It's more "kiss me" than "fist me."
Anthony, I am in a card store!
ANTHONY: I can't go on the show alone.
They want a Hotfella wearing
the Hotfellas uniform.
I am so screwed.
(WHISPERS) Maybe not.
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- (SENDS MESSAGE)
I just sent you a picture of someone
here who might be able to do it.
ANTHONY: What? You found
Romeo in a card store?
(MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
You found fuckin' Romeo in a card store!
Oh, my God! He's gorgeous! Char, Char!
You have to make this happen.
Tell him I'll pay anything.
Listen, I don't think we're
gonna have to go that far
because he is selling poems
in a card store for a dollar.
ANTHONY: For a sweet woman,
you're rough sometimes.
Good luck. Call me back.
CHARLOTTE: Okay.
(CHARLOTTE BREATHES DEEPLY)
Buongiorno. Would you like a love poem?
Oh, is that a real Italian accent?
(CHUCKLES) Yes. Why
would it not be real?
Oh, I-I just thought
that you were an actor
just doing an accent for the job.
No, I'm not an actor. I'm a poet.
So, a dollar a poem?
What if I pay you $300,
but you don't have to write 300 poems.
I would want you to do
something else for that money.
- (GIUSEPPE SIGHS)
- Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. Nothing like that.
Nothing like that. No,
no. I'm married with kids.
So, was the woman who wanted to buy me
a cashmere sweater this morning.
- CHARLOTTE (ON PHONE): When are you gonna be on?
- ANTHONY: Next.
I'm so excited, too.
The stage manager lady
just came over and said
we'd be on the next segment.
Giuseppe's puttin' on the uniform now.
He is perfect for Drew.
He's sweet, sexy, nothing in your face.
It's okay?
CHARLOTTE: Anthony?
Anthony, are you there?
Yeah it's okay.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
Alright, and we're back,
ladies and gentlemen,
with Anthony Marantino
of Hotfellas Bakery
right here in New York City.
Now, your bread is so delicious,
but where did you come
up with the fun name?
Well, Drew, who doesn't love a
Hotfella delivering hot bread?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- DREW: Uh, no one.
And, actually, Anthony, um, brought
one of his Hotfella
delivery men here, right?
- We've got Giuseppe?
- Yes, we do.
Well, should we invite him out?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
DREW: Without further ado,
please welcome Hotfella
Giuseppe!
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
Oh, my God. That is a big basket.
ANTHONY: It has all my bread selections.
- DREW: Big basket.
- ANTHONY: Big basket!
- Giuseppe. (CHUCKLES)
- ANTHONY: He's adorable, isn't he?
(STAMMERING)
And, uh, uh, much like our audience,
uh, who started with a, a sourdough, uh,
- starter in the pandemic, so did you.
- Yes, I did,
but it got outta that Tupperware
and it just kept on growing.
Well, how big do you
think it's gonna get?
Honestly, I don't know.
I'm surprised it's this big.
I think it's gonna be huge.
We're a hit! Hotfellas'
Instagram is blowing up!
"Hot," "Hot," "Hawt." (CHUCKLES)
"Is he gluten-free?"
- That's cute.
- Here is your uniform. Ciao.
Wait what do you mean "ciao"?
I just got your Venmo, so, ciao.
In the last hour, I
got 100 bread orders,
and they're all expecting
someone "hot, hot, hawt"
- to deliver them.
- It's New York.
There are plenty of hot, hot, hawt guys.
Not like you. I'll pay
you whatever you want.
I'm not a prostitute. I'm a poet.
- And I'm a convict! In jail for false advertising.
- (GIUSEPPE SIGHS)
Giuseppe please. For a week.
Just until I get on the other side
of this Valentine's Day bump.
Then you can go poet your ass off.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
if you don't say yes, I'll kill myself.
- That doesn't even rhyme.
- Well
you're the poet.
- One week.
- Thank you.
ROSS MATHEWS: Is he
here? Is he still here?
Ah, man, I'm too late.
He already changed.
Ah, oh well.
Oh, hey, Uh, ya know, I'm
not really eating carbs,
but I liked your bread.
- Thank you.
- ROSS: Yeah.
You know, it's also good
in a wool pant. (CHUCKLES)
I've been, like, you
know, floating around,
so looking forward to this dinner,
and then the minute he
sent the time and the place,
suddenly, I'm very nervous.
- Well, I'm glad you called.
- (CARRIE SIGHS DEEPLY)
An emergency massage is
precisely what my drawer
full of spa gifts are made for.
I don't know. What if he's
different? What if I'm different?
I've had, like, a whole life, you know?
What if it's just it's too much time?
We haven't laid eyes on
each other in 13 years.
- Thirteen years.
- No worries there. You look amazing.
- Mm.
- The big question is,
how do you think he's going to look?
- Mm.
- Case in point,
when I dated this man many years ago,
he was a total John Kennedy.
- Hm.
- Bumped into him recently, late-stage Ted.
Hello, welcome. How can I help you?
I made an appointment for massages.
Seema Patel, 2:30.
Wonderful. One couple's massage.
Oh, no, sorry. We're not a couple.
Oh, uh, sorry. It, it says "two."
Yes. Two people. Separate massages.
There's been a misunderstanding.
We're only doing couples massages today
- because of the holiday.
- What holiday?
- Valentine's Day.
- And I repeat: what holiday?
Last I looked, it was Thursday.
Banks are open, mail's being delivered.
Well, it's just something nice we do
on this day to celebrate couples.
Why? Mm, aren't they celebrated enough?
- Seema, I don't need a massage.
- You do.
- She does.
- I have a solution.
Can you pretend to be a couple?
I can't. I'm too busy pretending
not to be outraged.
It's just We are fully booked.
How can you be fully booked?
I just called, and made a reservation.
Yes, for two.
And all of our massage spaces today
are booked for two tables.
So, where on this very
expensive gift card
does it list the blackout
dates for fake holidays?
It's just our policy for today.
Understood. So, do you have a date
set aside where you ban couples?
No, because single
people have rights, too.
Seema, h-honestly, let's just,
let's just go grab a glass of wine.
I'm al I'm already too tense.
I really can't handle a
February 14th spa insurrection.
I'm taking this to Yelp.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
CARRIE: Sorry.
Have a seat.
("1234 HELLO" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
It is 1:40. Our appointment
was for one o'clock.
- This is disrespectful.
- They'll get to us.
But when? I took you out
of science lab for this.
I mean, who do they think they are?
We're not even in Manhattan.
Yeah, this is the cool agency.
Well, it is not cool to keep
us waiting over half an hour.
- I'm gonna say something.
- You already did.
♪
Hi again. We need to be seen now.
Um they are before you.
Well, are they on charging
stations all over the city?
Are they in a Ralph Lauren campaign?
Mom!
We cannot wait any longer.
Rock has other appointments today
at IMG and Elite in Manhattan.
We're gonna go. Come on! Come!
Well, I really like
the women at Elite, too,
but since both big agencies want us,
we just have a decision to make.
- I made a decision.
- Oh, really? Which one, Elite or IMG?
Neither. I don't wanna do this anymore.
Wait, what?!
It's not fun, and you
were kinda gross today.
Real "Dance Mom" vibes.
I think I was hypoglycemic.
You said I could stop
modeling if I wanted to stop.
I wanna stop.
But what about all
the time and the effort
that we put into it?
And what about your
3,000 Instagram followers?
I have nothing to do with that.
You do. And now you can devote
more time with your other client.
What other client?
That one.
("ANTI-HERO" BY TAYLOR
SWIFT PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
- Hi, I'm the problem, it's me ♪
- (SINGING ALONG)
Lily! That music is a little loud!
Mom! Go! You're ruining the mood.
- I just got home.
- You said you wouldn't be here.
Fine, fine. But look, I got you
girls a Valentine's Day cake.
We don't need it. Kara made brownies,
and there's way too many as it is.
Now, please go!
- Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby ♪
- Mom! Go!
Harry, we've gotta go!
CHARLOTTE: And the
more I think about them,
the madder I get.
I didn't even take time for lunch today
because I was so busy running
around to all of Rock's appointments,
and getting that surprise
special cake for Lily,
which then she basically spat on
before she kicked me out of my own home.
It's 5:45. How can seating
be backed up already?
And you don't wanna be a model, fine!
Just do me a favor and tell me
before I make the effort of getting you
a blue checkmark on fucking Instagram!
Honey, you gotta calm down.
Gonna give yourself a heart attack.
Harry Harry.
I feel like something's really wrong.
You mean besides the
fact that the hostess
won't make eye contact with me?
Okay, we'll text you.
Maybe I'm having low blood sugar,
but I suddenly feel really weird.
Weird, weird how?
Like, tingling in my face, and Whoa.
- I can feel my blood.
- What, what?
What do you mean you
can feel your blood?
And my mouth feels really weird.
Am I slurring my words?
- What, like a stroke?!
- Oh, my God!
- Am I having a stroke?
- Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go. Here we go. Excuse me?!
Sir, I already told you,
- I'm doing the best
- My wife is having a stroke.
- Do you really think that's gonna work?
- Call a fucking ambulance!
- (SIREN WAILING)
- She said her face was tingling.
Uh, she said she could feel her blood.
- I could! I could!
- That can't be good, right?
Oh, boy. Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.
Sir, you can't ride in the back.
- This is the love of my life!
- You'll be fine up front.
- I love you so much, Harry!
- I love you, too, baby!
Don't you leave me now!
If I die, please let Carrie
pick out what I'm buried in!
Is she gonna die?
I don't think so.
Um, babe what are you doing?
I'm booby-trapping our bed.
(SIGHS) Because if these pillows
are different when we get home
I'll know they were
here and I'll have proof.
- Proof of what?
- (SIGHS) That I am not uptight
and that Baxter has some
serious boundary issues.
Okay, Lis, you do you,
but that's not so much
a booby trap as it is a booty trap.
Exactly.
(LIGHT JAZZ PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
NYA: Oh, w Look at you.
I see someone has finally
declared a major in "hot mama."
My lady just texted me to not
meet her at the restaurant,
but to come to her
place for dinner instead.
Are you okay with that?
Oh, my God, yes! It's so refreshing.
And, dare I say, quite scandalous.
- (NYA CHUCKLING)
- Okay, well, I'm outta here.
You sure you're gonna be okay tonight?
Me? Oh, so okay.
Me and chocolate, a
match made in heaven.
- (MIRANDA LAUGHS)
- You go get your A-plus in
"Queer Sexuality and
19th Century Literature."
- Tally-ho.
- (NYA CHUCKLING)
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Hi.
- MAITRE D': Buongiorno.
Um, a reservation for Aidan Shaw.
It's a party of two, eight o'clock.
Yes, sure. Come, come.
This way.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Here we go.
Oh, okay.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
("VIENE VIENE AMMORE" BY MARIA
PARIS PLAYING IN RESTAURANT)
Oh, there will be,
there'll be two of us.
Thank you.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So
- ya didn't have a stroke.
- Oh, thank God.
You do have a pretty significant
amount of THC in your bloodstream.
- What?
- I see it more and more.
People in your age group
haven't quite learned
how to navigate the power of a gummy.
She doesn't do gummies.
She won't even take a Tylenol PM.
Y-Ya gotta run some more tests.
I know for a fact my wife is not high.
Wait, wait, Harry.
I might be.
Before dinner, I ate a homemade brownie
that one of Lily's new
friends brought over.
Oh, yeah, "space cake." Mystery solved.
Okay, um,
finish these fluids. I'll
fill out the discharge orders,
and you can, uh, go
home and sleep it off.
- Thanks, Doctor.
- Yeah, take care.
- (CHARLOTTE EXHALES)
- Well at least you're not dyin'.
I'm gonna kill our oldest,
but at least you're not dyin'.
Honey
when I was in that ambulance,
my life flashed in front of me,
and I didn't like what I saw.
I'm a "mom-ager" for
Rock, a maid for Lily,
and, and a pimp for Anthony?
What happened?
- Where am I in all this?
- Honey
- you're here.
- No.
No, I'm not.
I am gonna call Mark Kassabian,
and I'm gonna ask him if
the job that he offered me
at the gallery is still available.
I have got to get back to me.
And it's not just the pot talking.
Okay?
Okay.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING IN RESTAURANT)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh, my God.
What?
Excuse me? Excuse me? Sorry.
Um, I hate to be this person,
- but my phone just died, and
- Same as mine.
Here.
Here.
Thank you so much. I'm
waiting for someone,
and he's running a little late,
and I ju
Just make sure he's on his way.
'Scuse me.
Thanks.
No dick making me stupid ♪
No funny Valentine lovin' from Cupid ♪
Need someone to get to it ♪
I see you beggin' so
there ain't no choosin' ♪
- Delicious.
- There must be a glitch in my phone ♪
I'm ready for the
switch to turn me on ♪
Won't you come and
do somethin' fun to me ♪
'Cause I'm tryna have you ♪
Waste my time, get on my line ♪
'Cause I got the time to waste ♪
Use that mouth, blow this back out ♪
Back up every word you say ♪
(DOG BARKING)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, come on in.
Thank you so much for
the change of plans.
Uh, I ran behind doing a
series of drops for PBS,
and I-I just needed all
the time I could get.
Oh, you record right here?
Yeah. I mean, it started
during the pandemic
- Oh!
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry. You know what?
That is usually in the shower,
but Pickles is hiding in there.
She does not like people. (CHUCKLES)
But no worries, no worries.
I'll, um, uh, you know what?
No worries. I'll just
I'll clean it up later.
(AMELIA SIGHS)
- Can I take your, uh, coat?
- Sure. Thanks.
- Wow, Miranda.
- (MIRANDA CHUCKLES)
To quote Mrs. Bennet in "P and P:"
"How can you be so teasing?"
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Oh, I think I just
- What?
- Yeah, I just stepped in cat poo.
Um, oh, fuck. Fuck me!
(EXHALES) I left the
sheets in the laundry room.
Um, I'm You know what? I'm
just gonna run down and get 'em.
Uh, listen. Um, there are, uh menus.
Just choose whatever you want,
and we'll do Grubhub
either before or after.
So, whatever you want.
A Oh, you know what? Do you, um
do you have any quarters,
uh, just in case?
'Cause, you know, flannel
sheets always take longer.
- I-I'm fresh out.
- Uh, I
(CHUCKLES) I-I don't think that I do.
(EXHALES) It's fine. You know what?
I'll just go to the
bodega on the corner.
It's no biggie. Um just, uh, yeah.
Make yourself comfortable.
I'll see ya soon.
- (PICKLES HISSES, MEOWS)
- (MIRANDA SCREAMS)
- Hm.
- All quiet on the pillow front?
Maybe she cracked my code.
Baby, admit it. The only
boundary issues that girl has
are sexual ones, and that bothers you.
- (BAXTER GASPS)
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, hi, Mrs. Wexley.
Um, I just wanted to get a pic
with this awesome purse for my Insta.
- Hope it's okay.
- (SCOFFS) No
Baxter, it is not okay.
That is my property. This is my space.
- So please go.
- Mom.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- (BAXTER SIGHS)
Dad, say something.
(LISA, HERBERT STAMMERING)
Come on.
- M'kay.
- Baby.
You are on your own, boy.
You know, sex is one thing,
but your mother's closet?
Have you lost your mind?
CARRIE (ON PHONE):
Aidan's 30 minutes late.
He, he wouldn't stand me up, would he?
No, Aidan's a good guy. Did ya call him?
CARRIE: The number I
have isn't good anymore.
- Mm.
- I don't know. Maybe he got cold feet.
It's understandable. I thought
about staying home, too.
Oh I wish I'd had that thought.
Oh, my God! I totally
forgot you're on your,
you're on your hot date with Ms. Darcey.
Go, go. I'm sorry. Go.
She isn't here. Neither is Jane Austen.
Unless Miss Austen forgot
to clean her litter box.
Amelia is off getting quarters
to dry her flannel sheets.
And I really need to pee,
but her freak of a cat attacked
me when I went in the bathroom.
Carrie, I may be
different, but dating isn't.
It's still a shit show. A cat shit show.
Well, do you have to stay?
What?
Do you have to stay?
Ya know what?
I don't.
35-year-old straight Miranda would stay,
but 56-year-old lesbian
Miranda wouldn't.
(LAUGHS) I'll tell her
I'm allergic to cats!
- Yeah, and dating.
- (QUIETLY) Ugh, I better go.
I don't wanna run
into her on the stairs.
CARRIE: Should I leave, too?
- (MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
- Wait.
- Oh, it's a text from him.
- See? Good guy.
- Have fun.
- Bye. Bye.
Um
"I'm here where are you?"
Well
"I'm here. Where are you?"
- (MESSAGE WHOOSHES)
- "Re "
"Red booth"?
Excuse me, excuse me, is,
is this 60 West 55th Street?
Next door.
Oh.
Okay. Thank you.
(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)
What are the chances
this would ever happen?
♪
Hi.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
How do you look exactly the same?
I, uh, I lost 40 pounds
- since I emailed you last week.
- (CARRIE LAUGHS)
(DEEP BREATH)
I was sorry to hear about John.
I wanted to write you,
but I didn't know if I should.
But I was thinkin' about you.
Thank you.
I read your book about it.
And it was sad and it was beautiful.
Well it was sad
not beautiful.
But, time, you know?
I'm better.
Yeah, well, uh, I'm
very glad to hear that.
Anyone new in your life?
I I couldn't find
that information online.
(LAUGHS)
No. No, no one new.
- You?
- Nope.
That's why I gained those 40 pounds.
- (LAUGHS)
- Man, sittin' here with you.
It's like 10 years just
I thought maybe you stood me up.
- I thought you stood me up.
- No mm-mm.
We're on the same page.
We're on the same page.
CARRIE: I got a bottle opener.
AIDAN: Okay.
- I know how to slap 'em off.
- (LAUGHS) I know you do.
Hey, you
- you still live here?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I moved back.
It's a story Come on up.
When you said "Go back to your place,"
I-I just thought ya
had a different place.
What's happening now?
At the restaurant, I
just thought how great,
this f this feels really great.
We're back where we started.
(SIGHS) But this is where we ended
with the fuckin' wall
I couldn't break through,
and those floors, remember
the floors that I redid?
I mean, it's all bad. And
it's just It's all in there.
Okay, yes, it's
it's the same place, but
but we're not in the same place.
And really, uh, it, it, it
doesn't even look the same.
It's Like, I-I hung
wallpaper and I've repainted.
And it wasn't all bad, Aidan, was it?
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
Are you listening?
Yeah, I am. I'm, I'm, I'm listening.
I just can't do it. I
No matter how much I want to
I can't go in there again with all that.
♪
I'm never goin' in there again.
I thought it felt too easy, too.
I understand.
(STAMMERS) I do.
I guess time doesn't heal everything.
No matter how much you want it to.
Shit.
I-I should go. I
♪
Hey, fuck it.
This is New York.
They have hotels, right?
("IKYK" BY OGI PLAYING)
CARRIE: And just like that
Aidan and I were back on the same page.
Brother, I see your heavy load ♪
It seems too hard to bear ♪
But I'll walk with
you down this road ♪
This is a burden to share ♪
Why would you go alone in
light of what's goin' on ♪
Don't do this on your own
'cause I been here all along ♪
Said I know you
know that I'll be there ♪
Whenever you need me, oh, oh, oh ♪
Why would you go alone in
light of what's goin' on ♪
Don't do this on your own
'cause I been here all along ♪
I know you know that I'll be there ♪
Whenever you need me, oh, oh, oh ♪
You don't need to doubt it ♪
You won't be without the best team ♪
A family, you and me ♪
Don't care whose about it ♪
You can't lose 'cause
we're the best team ♪