Animal Control (2023) s02e07 Episode Script

1
[message alert]
Maya wants to do date
night tonight.
Is she off pregnancy bedrest?
No, she wants to do
the whole thing in bed,
I get to plan everything,
and she wants me to “knock her
compression socks off ”.
- Is that sex?
- No. You could do a sponge bath
and then you could put
coconut oil in the tub.
That would be nice.
No. The smell of coconut
“makes me want to kill you ”.
You have to stop
with the quote thing,
it's making me sad for you
and your life.
No way. No way.
National RV Jamboree!
That is a license plate jackpot.
The motherlode.
We could get the phantom
plate itself,
the one that some say
doesn't even exist.
[both] Puerto Rico!
Mmhmm.
Truck 12 please respond.
Truck 8 has a question.
Do you guys identify as,
like, two individual losers
or just like a big lump
of loser?
- Come again?
- They got a license plate.
Not just one plate,
you chiseled dogs.
We're about to win this
competition and get all of them.
I wouldn't trust your eyes,
you just called Shred “chiseled”.
We're about to enter
license plate heaven, lads.
Victory is ours.
[laughing]
[Dispatch] Truck 8,
please respond.
Report of a skunk
at 1243 Arcola Ave.
No!
Uh, truck 8 is requesting
to be excused, please.
For medical reasons.
We have a note.
Dispatch, truck 12 requests
truck 8's location
to help administer
medical assistance.
No, they're not assisting!
They're trying to steal
our license plate honeypot!
[Dispatch] Truck 8
is at 4th and Main,
outside the Rose Fairgrounds.
Gaaah!
Thank you, dispatch.
And this has been another
episode of the Lovable Losers,
starring truck 8
Shred? Theme song me.
Really?
[clears throat]
[beatboxing]
You a loser, but you're lovable.
You're a loser, and you stink.
You gotta push the button down
if you want them to hear you.
Aaaarrgh!
[theme music plays]
♪
Now, this next state
we never thought
we'd get because
it's so dang small.
Frank, show me
the ocean state.
Rhode Island, the smallest
and most corrupt state.
It is the kidney stone
of America.
Meet the Singleton family.
Good people, but very unclear
how they were all related.
- Look at that one.
- Wait, is that the son?
Yeah, they said it was
my turn next so I ran.
You reek.
You've upset the dog.
- Oh, there they are.
- Okay.
Hey, ever been to Rhode Island?
I…
[crowd retches]
Wait, who got skunked?
Yeah, that's me.
I did get skunked.
Ask me if my partner did.
She did not.
Sometimes you get lucky.
You used me as
a human shield.
OK, be honest.
Is it bad?
In our HR meeting they make it
clear to never comment
on an employee's smell but
oh my god please go outside.
It's very bad.
Nope. Not until he sees
the Hawaii plate.
I accidentally shot a video
but it still counts.
- It still counts.
- Shred…
I… Sorry, I can't see.
- He can't see.
- No.
We are one state away from…
total victory, West Virginia.
Country roads,
take me home.
OK, I gotta go get this
stench off me.
Yeah, please.
Maya was very clear about me
coming home smelling neutral.
Neutral!
You go, I'm gonna PostMates some
tomato juice for you to soak in.
Can you put some crackers
in that order?
Or anything that's dipable
in the tomato stuff, OK?
OK.
- Uh, hey girl. Do you have a second?
- Yeah.
- Why do you sound like something's wrong?
- No, nothing's wrong.
It's just your green card
ex-husband dropped off
some mail for you.
Oh, OK.
Six weeks ago.
Sorry about that.
I just found it on my bookshelf
under the folder
and some books
I'm gonna get to you.
That one's from the US
Department of Homeland Security.
Yeah.
It looks official.
I just wanted to flag
that for you.
Oh my god, Emily.
This says that my citizenship
test is scheduled for the 10th.
The 10th? Of this month?
I'm toast!
I haven't even cracked open
this freakin' book!
Oh, that's a–
that's a big book.
I'm so good at studying.
Let me help you.
Now, or six weeks ago when it
might have made a difference?
That's good. Yeah, I'm glad
we're laughing about this.
Um… no, I'm very motivated
to help you
because I want you to stay
in this country,
and also I really can't stand
people being mad at me.
If you're mad at me.
I couldn't tell if you were
or you weren't or– are you?
Do you want me to say?
No, I don't want to know.
Let's just get into those books.
[laughs nervously]
[phone ringing]
Oh, um, hey Frank, we're getting
a call about an aggressive swan.
Where?
Oh, um, uh, Oakwood
Country Club.
Oversized male,
dead eyes,
a taste for human flesh
as indicated by this?
Woah. Swan scar.
I always thought that was
a TB vaccine
nestled between my two
favorite freckles.
Will you stop memorizing
my arms.
I didn't get a ton of specifics,
they just said it's terrorizing
the members.
Oh, yeah, that's him.
El Diablo Blanco.
My white whale.
Wait, so is it a swan
or a whale?
It's a Moby Dick reference.
You can't say stuff like that
at work, Frank.
OK, is this the swan that you
and Rick talk about
every time you sit
in front of a fire?
Yeah.
Because the smoke reminds us
of his phantom-like nature.
But this time I will capture
the smoke.
OK.
And I know that's impossible
but this is where the analogy
has lead me.
I'm going to take revenge
for this.
[gasps]
Oh, lord.
- It's just so much whiter…
- So white.
…than you think it's gonna be.
It's like a bowling pin.
It was a long winter in Seattle.
Focus on the scar.
Hang on, where's the scar?
Where is the scar?
OK.
Frank, you OK?
You haven't blinked
for a few miles.
I've been trying to catch
that swan since high school.
I don't wanna wade into
any sensitive math here
but is it possible for a swan
to live that long?
Oh, you can live a long time
with enough hate in your heart.
That's what my dad
taught me.
I was a caddy at that
country club as a teenager.
Oh yeah, here comes
the hero's origin story.
Everybody there was just
a bunch of rich douche bags
but I powered through.
I saved all summer and I finally
bought my first Disc-man.
I don't know what that is but
I think you mean Disc-person.
It plays CD's.
Compact discs.
I got it.
Snapped right onto my belt
next to my beeper.
It was so cool.
My nana had a beeper.
I'm gonna hit you later.
El Diablo Blanco stole
the Disc-man from my hands
and I've only seen him
twice since.
Once on local news
when he attacked a baby,
and second when Rick and I
got the call.
We thought we had him,
but he had us.
So Rick failed you,
yet he remains your
favorite partner ever?
Yep.
Well I, Shred Taylor,
your current partner,
is your second favorite?
Absolutely not.
Mid-range?
One above Devon.
DUI during work Devon?!
Ah, he was a lot of fun
before lunch.
OK, but what if I help you catch
your El Diablo Cody?
Does that bump me up to number
one, ahead of Rick?
If you help me catch that swan
all bets are off.
I am going to destroy
that bird.
By humanely capturing
and rehousing him.
Sir, you can't park that here.
It's members only parking.
Oh, we're with the city.
Fashion Police.
We got a call regarding
your pants.
Darren, everything okay
over here?
I'm handling it, Beth.
Yeah Beth,
Darren's got it.
We're just headed
to the 17th hole.
Frank knows where it is.
He actually used to caddy here
in the '70's.
Mmhmm.
Ow, Frank!
That's too hard!
It's 'cause it was two punches.
I owed you one from earlier.
Non-member's fight, Beth.
I'm calling it in.
[Frank] See?
Douche bags.
Beth, tell them
to hurry.
The swan is close. Listen.
[whizz]
[Golfer] Fore!
Hey!
You yell “fore ” before
the ball almost kills us!
Here's the plan.
I'm gonna scout the perimeter.
You go to the grill, get us
two BLT's, extra mayo.
We are going in to battle.
We deserve a warrior's feast.
I'm on it.
[groans]
[Golfer] Fore!
Are you aiming at us?!
Oh yeah, that's better.
Sniff me.
I think you smell like
a rancid Bloody Mary.
What? What about date night
with Maya?
I only have like seven hours,
Victoria.
I gotta increase my steep time.
Go under.
Hey.
So I finished correcting
your practice test.
Yeah?
You got seven right.
Is that good?
Out of 60.
[spitting] That's terrible!
That's terrible.
Oh man, this is bad.
This is really bad.
I'm hopeless.
I just feel like I'm choking
under the pressure.
Don't give up.
New approach.
I saw this Tik Tok of these kids
doing a dance
to memorize test answers.
This-is this a moonwalk?
Are we still allowed to do that?
You'll see.
First you get the answers
in your body
and then you get them
in your mind.
These are the answers
in your body?
Are you OK?
Just thinking about
The Constitution.
- That's what that is?
- Yeah.
[spits]
I felt something on the bottom.
Where did we get this bin?
I got it from behind
the kennels.
Behind the kennels?
Yeah.
You're doing a great job.
[beatboxing]
Order for Shred?
Yes!
Two BLT's to go.
Thank you.
Hey, hey. Hold on.
Uh, this is a little crazy
but what are the chances
your name is Shred
and you ordered the exact
same thing as me?
Busted. Sorry.
It's OK. I'll let you off
with a warning.
Thanks.
I see you uh, got
the loaner jacket.
No, this is mine.
I actually lost 100 pounds.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Would you like a vintage
cough lozenge?
Um, no thank you,
'cause I'm actually not
an 80-year-old woman.
- I get that.
- Mmhmm.
Um, anyway, I gotta get back
to my pond,
chasing a swan
on the 17th hole.
- Ooh, 17th hole?
- Mmhmm.
Could I walk with you?
There's usually an unattended
drink cart over there.
You can absolutely walk with me.
What the hell?
I keep finding stuff
in these pockets.
It's truly crazy to watch.
Shall we?
I've already said yes.
[chuckles]
Alright, swan.
Get ready for a beautiful mating
call from 1980… whatever.
[swan calls]
I might be a little rusty.
[rustling]
Have you seen my ball?
Oh, you again.
It's an orange Titleist.
I haven't.
It's orange.
OK.
I'm looking for a white swan.
Should we just name
the color of things?
Green, grass.
Your turn.
OK, thank you.
[plop]
[squawks]
El Diablo Blanco.
[swan hissing]
I'd recognize
that hiss anywhere.
Shred exclamation point,
I have spotted the swan,
exclamation point, come back
ASAP, exclamation point,
send message.
No, don't type “send message ”.
No, don't type–
no don't send message.
[message sent notification]
Five, six, seven, eight.
[both] Health and Energy,
Transportation,
Homeland Security,
Education.
Labor, State, Commerce,
HUD, Veteran's Affairs.
Agriculture–
Yeah, I feel like this
isn't working.
Like-well, it's not like I can
do the dance on the test, so…
I feel like the boots
are weighing you down.
Why don't you use my spare
jazz shoes I keep in my desk?
I think we're both
a size eight, so…
Oh wow, you know everyone's
shoe size
yet somehow you misplace
my very important mail.
How does that happen?
Uh, let's just focus
on the dance.
No, the dance is stupid
and I'm gonna get deported,
you numpty.
I don't really think it's
necessary to say things
that I'm pretty sure are meant
to be hurtful.
And maybe if you'd just studied
just a little bit
we wouldn't really be
in this situation.
Wow, you're gonna turn
this around on me?
Because you were the one
who lost my mail.
But you leave things
to the very last second
and that's a quality
that you have.
Wow, OK.
So you wanna go global.
You wanna talk about qualities.
Yeah. Yeah.
OK, I have heaps.
You always–
You know, I– nope, I have
changed my mind.
Heaps sounds like too much.
Afraid of confrontation.
That's definitely one.
Well, confront this.
I am no longer so sure
about your bangs.
My what?
[New Zealand accent]
Your fringe.
OK.
A lot of people in this office
got a fringe because of me.
Sue in dispatch, you think
she just has the confidence
to get a fringe all by herself?
No. I talked her into that.
Mm. This is the prettiest spot
on the whole course.
I used to nanny for a family
that are members here
and I still use their number
to sneak in.
People don't seem to mind,
except, you know, security.
Well, I've been known to pocket
an extra bagel or two
from the continental breakfast.
When I was on tour.
What were you on tour for?
This is gonna sound like a brag
but I used to be a professional
snowboarder.
Oh.
Until I blew out my ACL.
I blew out my ACL.
- What?
- Mmhmm.
- Really?
- Mmhmm.
But in a real sport,
platform diving.
- Is… that's a real–
- It is.
Cool.
Right or left?
I blew out my left.
Right.
Mmm.
We'd be terrible in
a three-legged race.
Just awful.
- Mmhmm.
- Mmhmm.
[laughs]
This sandwich is incredible,
by the way.
Right.
Oh god. Oh god!
What?
One of us is eating
Frank's sandwich!
Who's Frank?
I'm so sorry but I have to go.
But this has been amazing.
Can I have your number?
- Sure.
- Really?
Yeah.
That's crazy.
[radio] …jeans
and a leather jacket,
jeans and a leather jacket.
Oh my god.
Yo! Mind if I hitch a ride
back to the green?
Thank you.
I actually really have to go,
but this was great
and you should call me.
- OK.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- I will.
- Thank you.
- I will. I will call.
[Woman] Floor it, Johnny!
Wait, what's your name?!
Her name can't be sandwich.
Where are you,
dirty bird?
Oh, the sky?
The domain of cowards?
[swan honking]
[maniacal laughter]
I've learned some new moves
since we last danced!
I'm stuck!
I can't move!
[grunts]
I can't move!
- Frank!
- Stupid… majestic… avian…
I'm coming!
It's too late!
Where were you?
I met a girl.
Did you abandon her
in a pond, as well?
One sec.
Get in here! I'm stuck!
Oh, take your time.
What's with the sport coat?
Did you have a first
communion?
I'm coming!
You brought the sandwiches
at least, right?
Um, there was a slight issue
with the–
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm sorry.
Dereliction of duty,
sandwich forgetfulness.
You are on a roll, Shred!
- Come here!
- OK.
- Grab me out of here.
- OK.
Go!
[Woman] Fore!
[both] Ahhhhhh!!!
Well, at least they said it
first this time.
I'm so pissed at Emily.
Alright, if you're gonna
stay here
can you hand me
Frank's shampoo?
The volumizing one?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Alright.
So I'm totally gonna fail
this test, right?
Well, you should have thought
about studying.
I will fight you!
I'm ready to go.
Relax, it's gonna work out.
My father took the same test
years ago,
passed with flying colors
by the way.
- Are you kidding?
- No, he passed.
- Have you just been–
- He did really well.
You've just been sitting
on that information?
Let's call him.
No, we only talk on Tuesdays
and Saturdays.
I call them on a Thursday
it'll be weird.
Call them or I'll open
the curtain.
Do not… do not…
I hate when you do that.
Ha, trunks in the shower.
I knew it.
You need to be deported, OK?
I should call them myself,
tell them to get rid of you.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Ya!
Thank you.
Before the swan comes back
and I pin you down with ten
stakes to offer you up as bait
I wanna know what happened
with my sandwich and don't lie.
They're inside me.
And the girl.
So while you were lady
and the tramp-ing my BL
I was going nose to nose
with the white devil?
Look, I'm sorry.
I get that this bird
did a number on you
and he took your portable
record player.
It's a Disc-man!
And you know what?
Rick would have brought me
the sandwiches,
and a grape soda I didn't even
ask for, because he just knew.
He was a real partner.
Well, a real partner
would be happy for me
because I just met
the first girl
that might actually help me
forget about Emily.
I wish the swan had pecked out
my ear drums.
[swan growling]
Uh, Frank?
He's right behind me,
isn't he?
Yep.
What's wrong?
Family OK, kids OK?
Hi Dad, no, everything's fine.
[Dad] Why are you calling
on Thursday?
[Mom] Why he is calling
on Thursday?
Hey mom, everything's fine.
We're fine, mom.
Guys, can you turn the heat up?
You're rich.
Can you let me pay for it?
How about that?
[Dad] Oh, mister money bags.
[Mom] Hi work bestie.
Hey girl.
Hi.
Amit says you did really well
on your US citizenship test
and I would love any advice.
Flashcards, laminated so you
can bring them everywhere.
- OK.
- He bought a laminator.
What happens if they
get wet?
Why would they get wet?
What if they want to study
in the hot tub?
Dad, will you tutor her?
Pretty please?
Of course, if you tell me
the real reason why you called.
This– This is the reason.
[Dad] Amit, stop lying to us.
[swan hissing]
Oh my god!
Ahhh!!! It's got my hair!
- Get it off!
- I can't get in…
Get it off!
It's in my hair!
Oh god.
[hissing]
OK, OK, grab the jacket.
I have to return it.
Give me the jacket!
Just be careful with it.
They have my card on file!
Throw me the jacket!
Come on. Come on.
Come here you dumb bird!
Yeah. You're about
to go out in style.
[slams cage door]
We got a birdie!
Woo!
[laughs]
Shoot! Shred!
[hissing]
Wooo! Bagged him!
Oh, yeah!
You stole my Disc-man and
my Prince's Greatest Hits CD,
and now you're about to
find out what it's like
when a swan cries.
Wait, woah.
Hey, Frank, woah, woah!
Frank! Walk it off!
OK, OK.
I'm fine!
Going to the clubhouse
for a drink.
Patel's dad's marking
my practice test.
I'm a bit nervous.
Well, I was eavesdropping
on you with the flash cards,
you were killing it.
I think I've studied
too much today.
My brain needs alcohol.
Do you wanna get a drink?
Wait, aren't we in the middle
of, like, a massive fight?
Can it be over?
I'm really, really bad
at apologizing.
No, you don't have
to apologize, I do.
I dunked on your fringe.
- I'm so sorry.
- Me too.
This is a huge relief
because I thought me and you
were just like
[clicks tongue]
What, the friendship?
Just dead?
- Yeah.
- Friends fight all the time.
We're gonna have tons
of fights.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Knock-downs, I promise.
If I don't get deported.
Wait, no, that is not gonna
happen… Ya numpty.
I do find the accent offensive.
Mmhmm.
[phone ringing]
Hi.
Well, Victoria, 15 out of 60.
We've got some work to do.
Hey, that's eight better
than I got last time.
Right.
USA! USA!
We'll keep at it.
We don't want Amit
to lose his partner.
By the way, he's doing such
a great job around the office,
you know, balancing it all,
especially with Maya
at home on bedrest.
- Maya is on bedrest?
- Bedrest?!
- Is everything OK?
- Oh my god! Why is–
[hangs up]
- Oh.
- Oh.
Feels like I kinda kicked
something off there, doesn't it?
It does. Yeah.
Where do I return this jacket?
Oh, I'll handle it.
I'm never getting
that deposit back, am I?
Those bastards gave me
a ticket?
For $200?
Hold on.
I have an idea.
Releasing this evil back on
these wealthy douche bags
is a really good idea, Shred.
I mean, it's literally opposite
of what we're paid to do,
but it's really fun.
Rick never would have thought
of this, huh?
Absolutely not, but he would
have remembered the BLT's,
so it's a wash.
It's OK, buddy.
You come out whenever
you're ready.
You know, it's kinda
symbolic.
You're letting go of
your decades long feud
with this bird, and me?
I'm letting go of my feelings
for Emily.
Yeah, I can tell by how
you constantly bring her up.
Hmm.
Alright, fine.
Tell me about
this mystery woman
who has questionable taste
in men. What's her name?
See? I don't know,
that's the thing.
She gave me her number,
but instead of her name
she just put a sandwich emoji.
No! No!
El Diablo, drop the phone!
Drop the phone!
Let him go.
He loves gadgets.
Mmhmm. Yeah, Dad.
Mmhmm.
[snaps fingers]
Oh, you're coming in tomorrow,
that's so soon.
[laughs] Oh, great.
Hey, can you hold on a second?
Maya's on the other line.
Maya's not on the other line,
is she?
No, Maya's not speaking to me.
Oh.
Yeah, my parents are showing up
tomorrow indefinitely.
Indefinitely.
Also, Maya does know about
the skunk 'cause I still reek,
so I'm having to sleep
in the minivan every night.
Are you mad at me?
Why would I–
why would I be mad you?
OK.
[laughs] No.
Alright. You're my favorite
employee.
[Patel continues to laugh]
Oh, thank you.
Hi Dad.
No, no, no, no,
Maya's fine, Maya's fine.
No, she just needed some food.
No, no, Mom, we don't need food.
Don't bring the food, Mom!
Mom!