Better Off Ted (2009) s02e07 Episode Script

Did it explode? oh, my god.
There's flagella everywhere.
What have we done? Uh, I took the back stairs.
Are there spiders in my hair? I am five seconds away from a total freak out.
Relax, ted.
If you had been bitten by one of the back-stair spiders, You'd be flopping on the floor, Deep in the throes of spider madness.
Your hair is so perfect.
Man, I want to be you.
What? Nothing.
Boom.
And all clear.
So did you go the back way to avoid ryan, The chatty security guard? No.
I'm trying to create a spider sanctuary in my hair, Maybe get some of that sweet government money To fund my head.
Sarcasm--the first sign of spider madness.
Yes, I am trying to avoid ryan.
Every time I walk by the guy, He sucks me into a 15-minute conversation.
You do that eight times a day, it adds up to Well, time I could be working on my math skills.
ryan was a very friendly guy, Which was exactly the problem.
Hey, teddy.
Notice anything different about me? Nope.
I got a haircut.
Want to see a penis? What? What the hell's wrong with you? oh, I see what you thought there.
No, no, you know my wife's preg.
Take a look at this ultrasound picture of my son.
Sitting at his desk all day, ryan had a lot of time to think about things, really stupid things.
Hey, ted.
You went to college.
Who you think would win In a fight between santa claus and a shark? Shark.
Wrong.
Hey, while I got you here, How are we ever gonna solve this middle east thing? ? He once sucked me into a 20-minute conversation About the colonization of mars.
Spoiler alert--he's for it.
I don't want to insult the guy.
If only there were a nice way to say, "you're killing me, you energy-sucking time-gobbler.
" You're avoiding a difficult situation.
For the first time, I feel like you and I May be part of the same species.
Anyway Veronica wants us upstairs to talk about a project.
May be part of the same species.
Shall we slip out the back? We're not going past the spiders.
Unless you let us both sit on your shoulders.
And then run.
And then we go out the front.
Fine.
We'll go past ryan.
But no matter what, we keep walking.
If one of us gets caught, the others don't come back.
Unless it's me.
Come back for me.
Hey, hey.
It's my three favorite people.
Don't engage.
Keep going.
Keep going.
So my mom's back in the hospital.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ryan.
Damn it.
Leave him.
Yeah.
They just cannot find the head of that parasite.
parasite? Damn it.
A half-hour later, we were finally upstairs.
I didn't tell phil and lem They were gonna be working alone with veronica Because they find her a little intimidating.
Have a good meeting.
What? Where are you going? I'm not on this one.
I have quarterly budget reports.
You guys will be fine.
But--no, stop.
Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? This is the first time the guys are working With veronica without me.
It might take a little getting used to.
ted? Ted? ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? Ted? She's staring at us With her eyes.
Oh, you guys.
You're making me feel bad.
Come on.
Get away from the door.
Get away from the door.
What's up, veronica? Okay, first of all, you know you're holding hands? Oh.
Will that be all? No.
The company finally realized The p.
A.
System in this building needs to be fixed.
It makes everything sound like that janitor That got trapped inside the wall.
"let me out.
I'm not a ghost.
" we do have a lot of fun here.
The p.
A.
Has been causing problems for years.
That's weird.
The bird passed out.
Wake up, you stupid bird.
Luckily the effects were temporary.
After a week of vomiting, Everyone, even the bird, was back at work.
But from then on, no one took any chances.
Every time they heard the p.
A.
, They ran for the emergency exits.
It's the p.
A.
! Run or we'll all die! The constant evacuations are costing the company money.
Plus, nobody knew it was fajita day, And that hurt a lot of feelings in the cafeteria.
That explains all those sad people in sombreros, Which is traditionally the happiest hat in the world.
Well, next to the fez.
I think it goes like this-- sombrero, fez, ten-gallon-- I would like to unsubscribe from whatever you're doing right now.
You two need to design a new p.
A.
System, One that can actually transmit human voice.
It needs to be wireless So executives can broadcast from anywhere in the building.
I suppose we could use the 20 terahertz oscillator.
But doesn't that burn throu flesh? Not always.
How about we use the 10 terahertz oscillator? hop on a winged unicorn And fly off to magic land? Bunsen, beaker, focus.
This thing you do, with the science And the yammering and the unicorns? That doesn't work for me.
Well, that's part of our process to come up with I-- Sorry, from now on when you present ideas to me, Only one of you is allowed to talk.
But that's not how we work.
Exactly.
That's now how we work.
Not.
Now.
Not.
Now.
Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
Not? Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.
We should go.
So I'm thinking about asking security to reassign ryan.
Does that make me a bad person? Before you answer that-- I just sponsored A political prisoner for amnesty international And rescued a dog that-- from the freeway.
Red His name was sparky.
I don't know the dog's name.
He didn't have a tag.
I don't see what your problem is.
Ryan is just a nice guy who wants to get to know people.
And as my mom says, "getting to know people Is the best way to get to know the,m.
is this the same woman who says, "you eat what you eat"? Oh.
Look, there's mr.
Krebs.
He walks by two or three times a day.
He's dull as toast but always wants to talk.
Look how I deal with it, or as my mom would say, "watch what you watch and see what you see.
" mm.
Hi, linda.
How are you today? I'm great, mr.
Krebs.
Hey, did you ever figure out What's making that noise in your car? Oh, no.
For me, new cars are like women.
They start making noise, I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do.
but there both fun To take out for a spin once in a while, right? Uh-oh.
Look out.
nice to talk to you, mr.
Krebs.
See? You should just accept people for who they are, ted, And embrace them.
I can't stand who phil and lem are, So I'm changing them.
I can't believe you two.
Ted's annoyed by ryan.
You don't like how phil and lem act.
You both have to be more tolerant.
Which would really help me right now, Because I'm sure I just crossed a line.
Maybe linda's right.
Maybe she did just cross a line.
And she's also right about your ryan problem.
Don't be a wuss, ted.
If someone'sothering you, change them.
No, I didn't say any of that.
The version of linda you heard in your head is right.
I shouldn't be avoiding this.
I should do something.
Good job, linda.
We brought him around.
Look what we can do when we work together.
That's not what I-- I heard what you said, but it bothered me, So I changed it like you suggested.
friendship It's so important.
But it's different at work.
Time spent with friends at work Robs your employer of productivity, And robbing people is wrong.
Hey, it's ted.
You know a thing or two about feet.
How thick should a toenail be? Specifically-- Whoa.
We're not doing that.
Uh, listen, ryan, I-I need to talk to you about something.
Anything you want, teddy.
Whoa.
I love our conversations.
Sitting down here gets so boring.
Chatting with you is the best part of my day.
All right.
Show me your damn feet.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look I need you to dial down how much you talk to me.
I mean, I like you ryan.
It's just, this is a place of business, not a hair salon.
Really? You think I talk too much? Well, I don't know about generally, but to me? Oh, my god, yes.
Wow.
That's kinda hard to hear.
hi, honey.
You ready to go to lunch? I guess so.
Uh, ted, this is my wife sarah.
Oh, my god.
The ted? Ryan's told me so much about you.
You've been such a great friend-- All the talks you've had about his mom and my pregnancy.
Oh, did you show him your toe, honey? Does he know what that thing is? Ted's an important man.
He doesn't have time for my toe.
Oh, I'm--I'm not that important.
Oh, I'm getting a phone call.
My phone's vibrating.
It's on vibrate.
Hello.
Wow, that is a big problem that requires my immediate attention.
I'll be right up.
Yeah, my phone's broken.
It rings even though it's on vibrate and I'm on the phone with you.
it was nice to meet you.
All right, I'm not gonna sit through Another dog and pony show, So which one of you is going to speak, dog or pony? Well, phil and I were hoping-- pony it is.
Go.
Right.
So the p.
A.
System Put your hands down.
We're installing new speakers on every floor.
Now for an executive to access the system From anywhere in the building, they'll wear two control pins-- One for the mike and one for the volume.
Attached like so The pins create the perfect acoustic triangulation.
You twist this one to activate the system And this one to control the volume.
And what if those two little knobs Were attached to a woman? Do you see how that could be a problem? Oh! You should've said that.
All right.
You face the wall.
You tell me this can be fixed.
Uh, uh, uh Not a problem.
But we'll need more aluminum.
Titanium.
That's it.
We're done.
And next time you present, Only one of you is allowed in my office.
Now face each other.
why? This is not a good look for us.
Maybe it'll look less weird if I carry you.
Nope.
So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job Because you're a giant douche-mobile.
That's right, you're a douche on wheels Or perhaps a decorative sculpture Hanging above a baby douche's crib.
The gossip didn't specify.
Wait, ryan quit his job? He stormed out of here yesterday.
Of course, he stopped to tell everyone he passed What was going on, so his storming took most of the day.
He was actually the last one out of the building.
Oh, god.
I feel awful.
I-I didn't mean to hurt the guy.
I just wanted to change him a little.
Well, maybe I can change things back.
I gotta go find him.
Well, if you want to get there fast Yes, I'll take the douche-mobile.
Why do I have to be the one To present this stupid p.
A.
System to veronica? Because I did the talking last time, So it's your turn in the saddle, cowboy.
Get on that horse and I don't know any more cowboy things.
Wait.
Beans.
But I've never presented to veronica by myself.
I know.
Together we're a thing of beauty, like a swan.
But on my own, I'll be like half a swan.
All I'll do is make a big mess and die.
Gentlemen.
Man we don't know.
Whoever you are, you're not supposed to be down here.
We have a lot of top-secret stuff That no one's supposed to see.
Okay, we'll show you one thing.
Each.
No, no, I'm not here to look at anything.
I'm just taking a roundabout route to avoid someone.
Is it ryan? He's gone.
Moseyed on outta here.
Another cowboy thing.
I have more than I thought.
Peg leg.
No, that's not one.
No, no, no, it's some needy blonde Who talks my ear off every time I walk by her cubicle.
She's obsessed with my car and my wife.
Who cares? They're both small, boring and japanese.
You know what might brighten your day? A peek at the smallest squirrel science can make.
But we're going to have to ask you to wear a face mask.
He's crazy easy to inhale.
Oh, ted.
What are you doing here? Did my husba's talking Bother you all the way across town? Okay, that's fair.
Um, actually I came to apologize, Get him to come back to work, maybe have a look at that toe.
I don't know the problem, but I stopped by a pharmacy.
I bought everything that had a foot on the label.
is that ted? Let him in, 'cause I got me things I want to say.
Hey, ryan.
Shut up.
You talk too much, ted.
How does that feel? 'cause I don't care.
You're in my house now, and I can talk about whatever I want, Like my heart and how you broke it.
I thought we were friends.
Hey, we are friends.
Why else would I come here And bring you this bag of stuff for that--whoa.
Nothing in this bag is gonna hthat.
Look, I know what I said yesterday was insensitive.
I really want you to come back to work.
And you can talk as much as you want Or 20% less 30% It's up to you.
It means a lot that you would come here.
Okay, I'll come back.
And I know sometimes I talk too much.
I'm sorry.
But don't give up on me, friend.
Hey, I am not giving up on you.
My water just broke.
Well, I should get out of your way.
Oh, god.
It's happening.
H, man.
I drank too much to drive.
Ted, can you take us and film the birth And help us name him and cut the cord? Yes.
Maybe.
Benjamin.
And a big no the cord.
You can present to veronica.
You're brave.
You're strong.
Who opened that jelly jar this morning, huh? Who kicked that jar's ass? You did, you rugged son of a bitch.
So hey.
Hey.
You're kinda freakin' everyone out.
How you doing in there? I'm okay.
Well, not great.
Pretty bad.
I just lied to myself about opening a jelly jar, Which is worrisome.
You're gonna be fine.
I used to be afraid of veronica, too, Because she's scary and dangerous, And rumor has it, She once walled up a janitor in her office, but you're Hey, why is mr.
Krebs taking the stairs? He's got a bad leg.
He said he's trying To avoid some needy blonde in the cubical area.
So back to me and how I'm going to be fine.
Wait, was krebs talking about me? I'm not needy.
He's the one who's needy.
Hey, krebs? I'm not fine yet.
You made me worse, and I was already so bad.
Are you avoiding me? Clearly that's impossible.
I can't believe you called me needy.
You're the one who's needy.
You're the one Who stops me to talk every time I pass your desk.
I don't make small talk with you.
You make small talk with me Because it brightens your damn day.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
It's my day.
I think I know.
Hey, look, buddy.
I'm not e ryan in this relationship.
You're the ryan.
You talk my ear off, But I put up with it because I accept who you are--the ryan.
You know what? I just won't be friendly anymore.
Fine.
Whatever keeps you quiet.
No, I will be friendly because that's who I am, And I love that about me.
I don't care.
I just won't be friendly to you.
Good! You're mean.
You're tedious.
You're rude.
You're bland.
You're old.
Are you as turned on as I am right now? No.
What? Ew! No.
What's happening? You're not feeling this-- Is heat that's finally happening between us? No.
Barf.
You're a horrible man.
And I'm a friendly person Who never wants to talk to you again.
Oh.
Stop by my desk on your way out.
I made some of those butter cookies your wife likes.
Oh.
Unfortunately me and my new best friend ryan Never made it to the hospital.
that's it.
Push, s-sarah.
Just keep going.
There you go.
I don't even let my daughter eat in this car.
We have combined the p.
A.
Microphone And the volume knob into one convenient nipple.
I'm sorry.
Nipple.
I'm sorry.
Nipple.
I'm sorry.
You're just a shivering chihuahua, aren't you? Actually, this is going better than I had expected.
I can't get this pin on.
God, this is frustrating.
Maybe we should have some juice.
That always calms me down.
Here, you do it.
Me? No, the microphone attaching elf who lives in my drawer.
Talking about drawer elves Isn't going to make this any less scary.
I'm sorry.
My hands are very sweaty.
And I've never been this close to your neck before, Which is the perfect flesh pedestal for your head.
God, I'd kill a man for some juice right now.
And I'd like to unhinge my jaw and swallow you like a mouse, But we both have to work with what we have.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Careful.
Don't stick me with it.
I've almost got it.
Aah! I'm bleeding.
Get out! Get out now! I guess it works.
Yes, it's a huge improvement over the old system, Which made everybody panic and run out of the building.
You're so critical.
No wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you.
I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, Like, "you're so critical.
No wonder I'm afraid to be alone with you.
" Wait.
Am I dreaming? No, phil, you're not.
Crap.
I am veronica, Queen of veridian.
The gorilla habitat will be closing in 15 minutes.
I need a price check on peas.
And now it's time for all the young people To come to the dance floor.
Hello, ted.
Hello, crazy lady talking to an empty building.
Where is everybody? If corporate calls, I'm going with "it's Saturday.
" Well, I've had an eventful day.
Turns out, I should not have tried to change ryan, but I did.
Now my car looks like someone made wine in the backseat.
And trying to change phil and lem Was even more irritating than just leaving them alone.
I scared everyon out of the building And I got stabbed in the neck.
Although I did get to watch phil run.
He was like an ostrich in a lab coat Trying to catch a bus.
And I saw the beautiful miracle of birth Mm.
And the less-beautiful expulsion of afterbirth.
Maybe my kindergarten teacher was right.
Maybe I am too controlling.
Ah, probably.
But I am certainly not gonna try to change you.
Thank you.
It's lonely always knowing what's best.
I know, right? Well, we've got each other.
And that reminds me of apecial song From a simpler time.
? they say our love won't pay the rent ? Not doing it.
before it's earned, our money's all been spent Not doing it.