Bizaardvark (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 - What's up, guys? I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
Both: And we're Bizaardvark.
Are you sick of your parents driving you places and cramping your style? Well, what if the way you got places gave you style? - Nice! Unscripted.
- Thank you.
Check out our new video, "Flying Shoes.
" (rock music playing) Woke up to a funky beat - Got a new outfit - Looking so sweet - My shoes are muddy and old - Oh no And I got a hole in my right big toe - Shoe repair? - I ain't looking for a fix - Let's hit the shoe store - Time for new kicks I heard they make shoes for flying What? No way! Let's go buy 'em We want flying shoes We want shoes that can fly - Can we see your flying shoes? - Everything came to a halt He said, "Follow me, 'cause we keep 'em in a vault" Led me and Paige to the back of the store To a room that said "Flying Shoes Only" on the door - He punched in the code - (beeps) And to our surprise - There were two pair left - Both: Just in our size - Frankie: One was all silver - Paige: One gold and white - We had our flying shoes - We were ready to take flight We got flying shoes We got shoes that can fly Liftoff! 'Cause you know we on fleek - Let's do a flyby - Our friends are gonna freak Frankie: You wish you had these shoes Paige: Now what should we do? Let's pull a uey and hit the drive-thru - What do we want? - Two chocolate shakes Paige: Our shoes are acting funny Both: There's a problem with the brakes! - Frankie: Screech! - Paige: Into the face - Both: We can't see! - Paige: Crash into each other Frankie: Then we crashed into a tree We don't need no flying shoes Just some shoes that are fly Let's return these flying shoes 'Cause we're too young to die Looks like these have been used.
Just normal wear and tear.
From the street.
No problem.
We can take these back, assuming you still have your receipt.
Both: Receipt? (both shouting) Noooo! Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
(panting) Bernard.
Bernard.
Bernard.
Grandma? Wh-what are you doing here? I have a surprise! I'm so proud of you for finishing that wilderness class I signed you up for, I'm taking you on a camping trip so you can show off your skills! Really? When? Tonight! And the whole gang is invited.
Dirk, Fake Girlfriend, Braids, Hangs With Braids.
Count me in, Grandma! I love camping! I'll text my mom and see if I can go too.
It's so exciting! I've never been camping.
Look, I'm gonna pass.
I'm not a camper.
Fresh air makes me feel like I'm choking.
I'm out too.
I've heard the WiFi in nature is terrible.
Let's get packing! - Frankie: Bye.
- Grandma: Bye.
- Dirk: Bye.
- Amelia: Text me.
(people chattering) - Looks like it's just you and me.
- Yup.
Me and you.
(chuckles) (chattering continues) - Ah! This is so awkward.
- I know.
When when our friends are around, we're fine, but when it's just the two of us, we have nothing to say, and we just bury ourselves in our phones.
I'm sorry.
What'd you say? Frankie we need to be better friends.
We're around each other all the time.
What if we get paired up for a science project? Or we find ourselves on the couch, alone, after everyone else has gone on a (gasps) It's happening! You're right.
You know, we we never actually try to hang out, just the two of us.
It can't be that hard to become better friends.
- Yeah.
- All we have to do is find something we both have in common.
Yeah.
How about we just, um, we take turns listing things we like alphabetically until we find something we both like? - Okay.
I'll go first.
- Okay.
"A.
" Amelia.
Well, this is off to a great start.
(growls) Okay.
"V.
" - Violets.
- Frankie: Violence.
(gasps) Did you say "violence"? No, I said, "Violets.
" Pretty purple flowers.
Ah! All those words are the opposite of "violence"! "W.
" Both: Wing Time Willy's.
Did you just say, "Wing Time Willy's"? Home of the Hundred to do the challenge! Yes! I've always wanted to do the challenge but I've never had a partner.
Me neither.
Paige can't handle spicy food.
- She sweats from her ears.
It's gross.
- Ugh.
Amelia, will you do Wing Time Willy's Hundred Hot Wings Challenge with me? Honey, I'll do anything where the prize is getting my picture on a wall.
(giggles) Now let's go scarf down hot wings until our mouths burn and we taste our own blood! I dig this side of you.
Oh! I can't believe I'm going camping! Do you think we'll see bears? The baby ones are okay to hug, right? Actually, don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.
Well, it looks like we're all packed.
Let's make like my fourth ex-husband and get outta here quickly.
Dude, I gotta tell you something.
I'm not really a camping expert.
You made that up? Wait.
You still have that supermodel girlfriend, though, right? Yeah, don't worry about that.
I never went to the wilderness class Grandma signed me up for.
Remember that Irish dancing game that was at Vuuugle for a while? (Irish jig music playing) (fail music plays) (Irish accent) Give up on that game now, laddie! Your footwork is rubbish.
You'll never beat Seamus O'Tierney's top score! And I should know.
I'm Seamus O'Tierney.
Bernie: I couldn't let that Australian guy talk to me like that (Irish jig music playing) so I became obsessed with beating his top score.
Every day Grandma dropped me off for wilderness class, but I went to Vuuugle instead.
Ya call that dancing? It's like you're digging a hole in the floor! Bernie: And finally, it paid off (music playing faster) Look at him.
- (music stops) - (bell dings) Congratulations, Bernie Shotz! You've earned your pick of any maiden in the lounge.
(American accent) Eh, it's just dudes.
I have to stop this trip before we get to the campsite, or Grandma's gonna know I wasted her $500.
- So, what are we gonna do? - Not a problem.
I took Grandma's car key and threw it out the window.
With my arm strength, it's probably in the next town.
We're not going anywhere.
Ah, Bern-Man, why did you tell me that? If someone asks me what's going on, I'll have to tell the truth.
You know the three pillars of the DareMeBro Code: Take all dares, never lie, and the world is flat.
Wait, what? L-look, if Grandma asks you about this, just tell her a different truth.
That way you're not lying.
I can do that.
Hey! Frick and Frack.
I can't find my car key.
Do you have any idea where it could be? Uh I cry when I see bunnies! Huh? And there's, uh, there's lots of bunnies in the forest and no car, so we can't go camping.
I'll start unpacking.
Hey, Grandma Shotz.
I found your key.
It was laying just outside the window, literally inches from the house.
(groans) I've been having rotator cuff issues.
Great work, Braids.
Let's hit the road.
Nothing's gonna stop us from camping! Oh, by the way, the car stereo is busted, but don't worry.
from my trucker days.
Peeing in a cup, peeing in a cup Such a long trip Shoulda brought a bigger cup Woo! Camping, camping, camping! These girls have one hour to eat a hundred wings! No napkins.
No leavin' the table.
No drinks.
Does imported sparkling pomegranate iced tea count as a drink? No drinks.
(bottle shatters) That cost $80! All right, Amelia, we need to win this, so don't do that thing where you eat all dainty.
- (air horn blares) - (grunting) Are you eating the bones? (rock music playing) Nibble.
- Oh! Too spicy! - (blows) - Ooh! Hot, hot! - (blows) Okay, one last wing! Eat through the pain! Eat through it! (cheering) (grunts, laughs) Amelia, that (belches) was amazing.
I know.
I can't believe we (belches) did it.
You know, maybe (belches) we're better friends (belches) than we thought.
Hey, do you wanna sleep over tonight? Oh my gosh.
Yes, I'd love to.
This is gonna be the most epic weekend of our entire lives.
We have nothing else in common, do we? (belching): Nope.
- Hey, guys! I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
Both: And we're Bizaardvark.
Today, we are doing the Cotton Ball Challenge.
Yeah, so basically, we're gonna put some sticky stuff on our noses, - put our hands behind our back.
- Behind our back.
Whoever puts all the cotton balls into the other bowl first wins.
This is why the Internet was invented.
- Are you ready? - Yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, hold on.
Okay.
- Ready, set - Wait.
No.
Hold on.
- Ready? Wait, no.
- Hold on.
My hair.
(laughs) No.
Stop.
Gotta get Gotta be standing straight.
- Ready, set, go.
- Okay, ready? - (whistle tweets) - (rock music playing) - Frankie: Oh! Ah! Okay.
- (Paige laughs) Ponytail timeout.
- Hold on.
- Look at look at We gotta resume.
Look at all these ones that you got Wait! Mine's over here! - (spits) - Paige: I got it! - I'm good.
- (inhales) (inhales, spits) - (dings) - I didn't cheat.
(laughs) But I got them all in there.
Me too, but I got it first.
- (giggles) I win.
- How did you get them all in there? With my no We're not leaving here until you pick all those up and put 'em in that bowl.
You didn't say how.
(laughs) This is ridiculous! Paige, Bernie, and Dirk are gonna come back from camping with fun stories about how much they bonded.
And and what are we gonna have? - Nothing.
- Yeah.
Except our picture on a wall of winners - and endless indigestion.
- (stomach grumbles) You said this weekend was gonna be epic.
We-we we burped our feelings.
We wiped sauce on each other.
We have the foundation of a friendship.
Now we must build on that foundation.
Time is not on our side, but I'm sure if we show each other stuff we like to do, we'll find something else we're both into.
I knew we had something else in common.
I love karaoke.
Wh-what kind of songs are we gonna do? - Songs? - Yeah.
Why would I waste it on songs? I bought it 'cause it does this.
(clears throat) Amelia.
(echoing) Amelia.
(echoing) Amelia.
(echoing) Seriously? (echoing) - So much pee - Dirk: Eee All (harmonizing): Eeee Shoulda brought a bigger cup (laughter) Okay, okay, so I've been rubbing these weird-looking plants all over my skin to give myself a rash.
I think I can get this trip canceled for real this time.
Bern-Man, just tell your Grandma you wasted her $500.
What's the worst she could do to you? Ahh! I stubbed my toe on this stupid branch! Uh-oh, look at this rash.
I must've come into contact with something poisonous.
- (gasps) - According to my wilderness expertise, we should end this trip immediately.
Oh, hang on.
I brought a plant remedy field guide.
A what whaty what what? These leaves should cure that rash.
You know, I really think the hospital would be the safer option.
Nah.
Hey, Braids! While you're at it, can you cure the rash on his lower back and legs? (whispers) Grandma! (mouths) What? - (Grandma gasps) - (gasps) It's working! Yeah.
You can see the rash fading already.
Okay, the rules of New World Pioneers are simple.
If you roll a six or lower, you get a dozen bushels of wheat, which you can either eat, store or trade for three donkeys and/or seven otter pelts, only if you roll a nine or higher on your next three turns.
- Got it.
- Okay.
- (bush rustles) - (dice thud) Game over, I win! Okay, good bathroom break.
- Everyone ready to keep hiking? - Kids: Yeah! (flatly) Yeah.
(nervously) Um, who is this? Oh, this is Wolftooth.
He lives in the woods.
I invited him to hike with us.
Okay.
What do you do in the woods, Wolftooth? Bury stuff.
Mmm.
(whispers) Uh, Bern-Man? This dude looks like he could hurt us.
(whispers) I know! We're totally not gonna make it to the campsite! So, umm that's a, uh a nice ax, Wolftooth.
Yeah, I had a bigger one, but it got stuck somewhere.
Ha-have you, umm, ever thought about being a lumberjack? Actually, that was my dream, but my parents wanted me to go into the family's accounting business.
Accounting? But you don't want to chop numbers.
You want to chop trees.
That's what I told them.
So, what you're saying is - trees are my path - Mm-hmm.
- the sky is my future - Mmm.
and the ax is my true spirit! I think you're ready to live your dream.
You're right.
I'm gonna find the nearest lumberjack school and enroll.
My new life begins now! By the way, I was planning on stealing your stuff and leaving you all in the woods.
You can all thank Paige your camping trip continues.
(growls) Okay, if you're not gonna look for me, then it's technically not hide-and-seek.
Amelia, let's just give up, okay? We tried everything, but besides wings, we don't have anything in common.
Maybe our friendship just is what it is.
- (screams) - Both: Raccoon! (screaming) - Hey, kids! I'm Dirk! - And I'm Bernie.
And today, we're gonna be telling you a magical kids' story - one - word at a time.
We'll work on it.
- Here we go! - Okay, the title will be "Trucks and Waffles.
" - Once - there - was - a waffle - who - liked - trucks - (truck honks) - So - he - bought - a - truck - and - went - to - the syrup.
- (buzzer) - Sorry.
- You said two words! - I know, I'm sorry.
The - town - bought - syrup syrup "drove," uh butter butter truck truck waffle friends syrup syrup waffle syrup.
- Do that, kids.
Yeah.
- Do that.
Thank you, guys, so much for watching.
- We're gonna go buy some waffles.
- Okay.
Oh wow.
Go, go, go! Where is it? - Go, go, go! Go, go! - I don't see him! (girls scream) Why did my dad pick tonight to do a 12-hour surgery? Don't worry.
I grew up on a farm.
- I know how to scare off raccoons.
- Okay.
- Human sacrifice! - Wait! No, you go.
- No, you go! You go! - No, it's fine, you go.
Go ahead, go ahead.
(thinking) Good evening.
I assume you girls don't speak raccoon, so I'll communicate telepathically.
- No, you go.
- Please.
No, you go.
- No, no, go ahead.
Go.
- Frankie! (thinking) My name is Wallace, and I seem to have wandered off from my family.
Can you tell me where I am? No, I can't go.
(thinking) Hmm, perhaps you'll be able to understand me better if I speak in a gentle, soothing voice.
- (Wallace screeches) - (girls scream) (thinking) Okay, zero for two.
What if I stood like a human? That should ease your fears.
- It's gonna attack! - Get on the island! - Go! Go, go, go, go! - (screams) Wallace: Oh! I see we're climbing onto things now.
What fun! I bet I can get up there too! (girls screaming) Finally! My first campsite.
(inhales) First smell of pine.
(sneezes) First reaction to pine.
(squeals) All right, I wanna see my survival expert at work.
Let me see you set up a tent.
Now, hang on.
In wilderness class, I learned that the most important part of camping is identifying trees.
Yup, there's one of those triangle trees.
Very common for this area.
- Oh.
- (phone camera clicks) Bernard, the tent! Oh.
Uh, right, okay.
So, the first step is you need to skillfully and carefully take the tent out of the bag.
(rustling) Clearly, these are defective tents.
These tents are so easy to put up.
Bernard, what is going on? Umm, I Dirk, what is going on? Bern-Man used your wilderness class money on an Irish dancing arcade game and wouldn't stop because an old guy said he couldn't beat his score! Bernard, is that true? Yeah, Grandma, it it's true.
I wanted you to take that class so you would grow up and learn some life skills.
Instead, you wasted my money.
I am very disappointed in you.
(Wallace chittering) - He's got your cell phone.
- Well, what's a raccoon gonna do with - (phone camera clicks) - (gasps) Don't post that, raccoon! Oh! Amelia, how are we gonna get out of here? I'm scared! You listen to me, Frankie middle-name-unknown Wong! We will make it out of this house alive.
- We will? - Yes.
Before today, did you think we could eat a hundred wings in an hour? - Yes.
- Well, we did.
So here's the plan.
You and I are gonna climb off this island together with our heads held high and our hearts filled with courage! - You with me? - I'm with you! - Ready? - Ready.
(girls screaming) (gasping) Bernard! We're surrounded by scorpions! Go find someone who can save us! - (musical chimes) - Use your lucky feet, laddie.
It's what you've trained for.
No! I'll save you! Dirk, turn your flashlights on and off like a video game! On it! Paige, play an Irish dancing song! Uh, are we talking more hornpipe or slip jig? I'll just go with what feels right.
- And, Grandma, heckle me! - (Irish jig playing) Are we talking insult your manhood or general appearance? I'll just go with what feels right.
You walk like a duck.
You sleep in a baby bed.
I've lost you in a poker game.
Twice! (exhales) (fast-tempo Irish jig playing) (music ends) Bern-Man, that was legit! Totally! Now what's your plan to get us out of here? Okay, so according to my wilderness expertise Darn it, that doesn't work anymore.
Hang on.
These are emperor scorpions.
We studied them in class.
They don't sting! Whoa.
Emperor scorpions? I didn't know we were in the presence of royalty.
It's an honor, sir.
Grandma, I'm sorry I lied to you.
Thank you, Bernard.
I am so proud of you.
I thought you were disappointed in me, and I didn't save you.
I'm not disappointed.
What you did took courage.
You don't need a wilderness class to prove to me that you're growing up.
- Thanks, Grandma.
- (chuckles) (rustling) I just found out there's no such thing as lumberjack school.
(screaming) (sighs) Well, it's official.
It's the raccoon's house now.
Yup.
My dad is not gonna be happy about that.
And remember how we didn't want to go camping, but now we're literally outside, camping? Even better, we're "glamping.
" - And thanks, Amelia.
- For what? For saving me back there.
What are friends for? - How crazy was today? - So crazy.
We ate a hundred wings, we met the actual Wing Time Willy, and then a raccoon tried to kill us.
I know.
We were stuck on the island, and we were like (screams) and then the raccoon as like (screeches) (both laugh) Wallace (thinking): I can hear you, and that is not how I sound.
Just for that, I'm posting that unflattering photo I took of you.