Black Dynamite (2009) s02e07 Episode Script

Hey, hey, hey! Welcome to "the James Brown show," starring me James Brown! Watch the "James Brown" dancers do the James Brown to the James Brown music.
And as we take a pause for the cause, get ready and listen and get down to new James Brown hit, called "Booty sweat," from the booty sweat of my own brow! That's right the hardest-working man in show business, Mr.
James Brown himself! Hey! in the hair dryer.
Dick Clark from "American bandstand"?! Word on the street is you were ready to get on up and do your own thing, so I thought I'd pay my respects.
No, no, no, no, no! You ain't you ain't got to pay me nothin'! Your "American bandstand" took me from the chitlin' circuit and gave me national exposure.
I don't know what the "children's circus" or "vaginal enclosures" have to do with anything, but my "American bandstand" took you from the chitlin' circuit and gave you national exposure.
Now you want to muscle in on my territory? - Hot comb! Makes me hot! - I'm Dick Clark! I run "American bandstand"! At one time, I controlled everything! Then came rhythm.
Then came blues.
Then came "So-o-o-o-o-ul Train.
" But Don Cornelius isn't reasonable.
He doesn't pay respects.
Now my bread and my ratings are down and dropping, so I need to take over ni[bleep.]
black music.
- Good god! Not black music! - Cher.
I said please, please Owww! please No, not now, man! Please, Mr.
Clark, make me an offer that I can't refuse! I don't know what you just said, but I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
You go and tell that Don Cornelius either he stops that Soul Train or I'm gonna run it off the tracks.
Get it? "Run it off the tracks"? Cause it's a train a Soul Train? - Yeah! - That wasn't a joke, James.
"So-o-o-o-o-ul Train's" days are done.
Dick Clark's "american bandstand" will take over black music forever! Dynamite! Dynamite! He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week Git it, git it, git it! Unh! Ah! Right on! Cream Corn, what is Fred Berry and the "Soul Train" gang doing in my living room, and why are they dancing where my living room is? They helping me practice so I can become a "Soul Train" dancer.
I been wantin' to be a "Soul train" dancer all my life! - Only the best make it on that show.
- "Soul train" dancer? Look, that is not a good idea, Cream Corn.
Besides, no self-respecting man would be caught dead - in an outfit like that.
- Good thing I ain't - got no self-respect! - You look like a damn lawn jockey.
Now, I got work to do.
Either you tell them, "scram, split, shake the scene, you turkeys, get out of my house," or I'ma do it! Man! I'll see y'all tonight.
- get me a sandwich, Raj! - Is this really all about me lookin' like a lawn jockey, Black Dynamite? 'Cause you know I've worn worse shit than this.
Yes.
Well, that and the "Soul Train" klan ain't nothing to [bleep.]
with! You have no idea what kind of commitment you're making.
Sure, I do.
That's why I'm practicing! Don Cornelius and "Soul Train" is much more than it seems, and, believe me, you don't want to end up on the wrong side of the tracks.
Get it? Wrong side of the tracks 'cause I-it's a train and - uh, never mind.
- Yeah, I get it.
You just don't get me.
- # Hey, hey, hey # - All right.
That's the legendary Gladys Knight & the Pips here on Dick Clark's "American bandstand"! This ain't "Soul Train," and I ain't Don Cornelius, 'cause you'd never get this much - soul on "so-o-o-o-o" - So, Dick Clark, it's a music - war you want.
- Excuse me, sir.
James Brown is here to see you.
Mr.
Don Cornelius He thinks he can disrespect me? He thinks that "American bandstand" can muscle in on my territory? If you were under my protection, you wouldn't have to worry - about anybody taking your show.
- Well, who is your protection? These are Don's cornholes, and trust me Dick don't want - to [bleep.]
with my cornholes.
- Help me, Don Cornelius! - You my only hope! - Are you a friend to me? How many times have you been on my "Soul Train"? None, godfather Don! chicken! Listen.
Someday and that day may never come I will call upon you to do a service for me.
- I will expect you to deliver.
- Anything for you, - Don Cornelius! - Kiss the pinky.
Mmm.
Mm-mm-mmm.
Take your show to Atlanta.
You'll be safe there.
I'll handle this little Dick Clark and his homogenous hooligans.
Owww! I feel good! Ha ha! Dick won't feel good when I run a train up Dick's [bleep.]
a Don Corn-hole-lius Soul Train up his ass, nonstop express.
Get it? 'Cause it's a train a big black so-o-o-o-o-ul train! B.
D.
, even though Cream Corn is dumb as - hell, he does have a point.
- Not you, too, Bee.
You know Cream Corn is way out of line talking to me - like he's grown.
- Now you got a secret you ain't telling us about Don Cornelius, uh and the truth will be the truth will be the and the truth will be the magic wand for healing us! - Whew! - Okay.
I can tell you the truth, but I cannot promise you what the truth will tell.
I worked for Cornelius when he was small-time, still just running a radio station in Chicago.
Had to bust some heads, but I got it.
All right, y'all.
Exclusive here.
We got a new cut for you.
And since there could only be one - number-one radio station - And that was today's - latest song by - Suey! And now the latest hit from Aretha - Whoa, whoa! Who are you? - Suey! It got to the point that talent acts started coming to him for help.
But as tough as he was, - he always took care of his people.
- Free fried chicken for everybody! Once he owned the radio game, there was only one place left to go.
Here we are at the inaugural broadcast on the new "So-o-o-o-o-ul train," the hippest trip in America! And with newfound success came newfound enemies.
Yeah.
Great success, Don.
But, you know, nobody around here runs music without cutting us in on the action.
Capisce? - I understand.
- Yeah.
Suey! Shah! Suey! You know, gentlemen, you can't stop the train, and I dedicate these three records to you.
Suey! Hah! He grew more and more powerful, and I saw that power corrupts even those with the people's good at heart.
All that dancer wanted was out, but Cornelius couldn't stand the thought of anyone leaving.
And Black Dynamite couldn't stand the thought of any mother[bleep.]
tellin' him what he can and cannot do, so I had to split.
- Ah, suey! - Who knows? If Don had somebody like me to whup my ass, I might not have made it out alive, either.
After I laid waste to the "Soul Train" dancers, Don and I went our separate ways.
It's all been a stone gas, Black Dynamite.
As always, in parting, I wish you love, peace, - and so-o-o-o-o-ul! - When you work for the Don, you're a Don worker for life.
Even the dancers had to put in work, and by "work," - I mean "killing.
" - Black Dynamite, we can't let Cream Corn become a killer! - He'll get killed! - Bullhorn, Honey Bee, I guess it's time for us to catch a train.
Dynamite! Dynamite! All these stupid bitches Hey, Mr.
Wonder, it's Donny and Marie! We're here to take you to "American bandstand" - because you're blind! - I can see you mother[bleep.]
I'm comin'.
That's funny.
When did Donny and Marie start wearing afro sheen? What?! What do you mean Stevie Wonder's a no-show? "American bandstand" will not survive without top ni black acts like that! How far can he go?! He's as blind as Ray Charles! This just came in from Don Cornelius.
Aw [bleep.]
naw.
Is it a dead fish? Are they sleeping with the fishes?! No.
Donny and Marie.
They're being gang-raped by four n four n four negroes.
Aw, naw! Okay, wait.
I get the sausage, I get the white bread, but the toothpaste? No need to look any further, 'cause we got what you're looking for right here.
Give a warm "Soul Train" gang welcome to Mr.
Stevie Wonder! All these stupid bitches cryin' on my balls Cream Corn, I got to tell you something - about "Soul Train.
" - Not now, Black Dynamite.
You are [bleep.]
up my robot.
You look like a [bleep.]
puppet on a string.
What the hell do you have against dancing, huh?! - Not enough bloodshed? - Well, that's one reason, but the main thing is you ain't dancin'.
The shit you're doing is monkey-shinin'.
See? See? See? You see how you're smiling when - you do that shit? - Yeah, because it's fun! See?! Right there! Dancing should not be fun! Real dancing requires an anger, a real pissed-off dignity.
Didn't I tell you I ain't have no dignity? - And who dances when they're mad? - All right, tango pissed off.
Ballet pissed off.
Salsa pissed off.
African so pissed off, they show you how they'll stomp a mudhole in your ass.
- Now listen - Well, you can put - this in your hat! Unh! - Those are your ring fingers, damn it! Yeah, I know, but it's the closest I can get to flippin' Black Dynamite off without gettin' my ass whupped! Look, Don Cornelius and the "Soul Train" dancers are a crime family of mobsters! And you just mad 'cause you can't do this! Black Dynamite is jealous 'cause he can't do this.
Unh! Ah! Get it, get it, get it! - Unh! Ah! Right on! - I want Don Cornelius dead.
I want "Soul Train" dead! I want his family dead! I want his car and his house dead! And I want you to deliver a permanent message - no one [bleep.]
with Dick! - Hey, don't worry, Mr.
Clark.
When I attach this bomb to the "Soul Train" scramble board and the contestants unscramble today's puzzle kaboom! They'll be scrambled eggplant! Huh? Get it? Because they're black! Ah, I kill me.
Dynamite! Dynamite! All right.
Well, I guess it's time to go.
Hmm.
"Soul Train" Scramble Board Maintenance Inc? "Soul Train" is a sole proprietorship, and the "Soul Train" scramble board maintenance could not incorporate even if they wanted to.
It'd be a subsidiary at best! Besides, "Soul Train" scramble board maintenance engineers don't wear alligator shoes.
Hmm.
I should have known.
The old "wire a bomb to the 'Soul Train' scramble - board" trick.
- All right, y'all.
It's time for the world-famous "Soul Train" scramble board.
Hi, and I'm Cream Corn.
That Bitch, control your hair! Hi.
I'm that sexy asian bitch - with the "rong," "rong" hair.
- All right.
You have 30 seconds to correctly unscramble the puzzle.
It's the name of a popular group that sounds like "tirth, tind, and tire.
" Bullhorn, Honey Bee, you got to stop Cream Corn from solving that puzzle! There's a bomb that's gonna explode when it's unscrambled! Oh [bleep.]
.
Uh The Temptations! The Temptations?! That don't sound like no "tirth"! All right.
Now I just got to defuse this Oh.
Well, what the [bleep.]
? - It's the O'Jays! - I don't see no "O," - and I don't see no "J"! - Oh.
Maybe the bar-kays! Bar-kays?! There's no "K"! - Uh, Barry White! - Barry White?! - Barry White's not a group! - Oh, come on! It's a Earth, Wind & Fire! What?! Oh [bleep.]
! Suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! Cream Corn, I see that you did everything in your power to get the scramble board wrong, and you did it all to save the life of - the Don.
- Yeah! You know me.
I'm always down to do something - for the Don.
- Cream Corn, how would you like to be an official "Soul Train" - dancer? - What?! Are you serious?! - Cream Corn, let's go.
- But, Black Dynamite I think Cream Corn is a grown-ass man that can make his own decisions, Black Dynamite, And the decision I'm telling him to make is to stay - he-e-e-e-e-re with me.
- You don't know what your gettin' your little permed head into, Cream Corn.
I'm telling you right now, you - makin' a bad decision! - Are you ready to become - a member of the "Soul Train" family? - It would be an honor.
It's the Don.
Time to do it the hard way.
Mr.
Don, what exactly did you mean when you said it's time to do it the hard way? Is that a new dance? Something like that.
You just keep your eye on the disco ball, and you'll be just fine.
Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Suey! Honey Bee, what I tell you 'bout - interrupting my [bleep.]
fu? - Black Dynamite, how many times I got to tell you you can't [bleep.]
away all - of your problems by [bleep.]
.
- Yeah? - And why not? - Well, I guess, you could, but sooner or later, you're gonna have to deal with 'em.
You're right, Honey Bee.
Now, I ain't gonna tell y'all to split the scene, but y'all bitches can scram.
I guess it's hard to admit that Cream Corn was once just a little half-a-man pimp and now he's a full-grown half-a-man pimp.
But I wouldn't say, "full-grown.
" He's like 3/4 there.
- And who the [bleep.]
are they? - Damn.
See? With all this Cream Corn on my mind, I forgot to tell them not to wake up the rest of the bitches.
Dynamite! Dynamite! - Cream Corn, do you denounce Dick Clark? - I do denounce Dick.
- Wha? - What the Do you denounce the American broadcast company - and all of its works? - I do denounce them, except "Charlie's Angels," 'cause they kind of smokin'.
Do you promise not to snitch for neither money nor a bitch? Yes.
I promise not to be a bitch with a switch who got a itch Wait a minute.
What you say again? Do you accept your commitment to "Soul Train" as a lifetime commitment? Lifetime? Like the whole-time-of-my-life lifetime? I do, godfather.
You must kiss the pinky.
Mmm.
Love, peace, and so-o-o-o-o-ul! You are now officially a "Soul Train" dancer! The bossman wants some face time with you and Dick.
But I had established my outfit long before this marmaluke started muscling in without so much - as paying me my vig! - Your vig?! My thing was "Soul Train," not "rock-'n'-roll train.
" but maybe you're just stupid and your brains are scrambled just like my "Soul Train" board you tried to blow up! How 'bout you give a nice warm "Soul Train" welcome - for my foot in yo' ass? - Good one, Mr.
Cornelius.
Those mother[bleep.]
moulinyans owe you, Mr.
Clark.
You disappoint me, man.
I'm sorry.
The fake eye throws me off.
- Who who were you talking to? - Yeah.
Actually, I never have any idea who you're looking at at any given time.
I've called this meeting because there is discord among us discord that has cost us a lot of money.
D.
C.
, when I heard about what you did, I was gonna - bury your ass in the desert.
- Uh, yeah.
- We're actually both "D.
C.
" - Yeah.
Again, you know, - uh, the eye.
- Shut the [bleep.]
up, the both of youse, or I'll tap-dance a hora on both your faces! It's time we settle this vendetta in an honorable way a dance-off, your best versus his best.
Loser is off the air, babe, for good.
Cream, it looks like you're the only cornhole that Dick hasn't banged up.
Now, you know you got to win - this dance-off, right? - Oh, don't you worry, Don! There's no way - I'ma let you down! - That's good to hear, 'cause if you don't win I'ma kill you.
Fred Berry, too.
Here you go, Black Dynamite one order of ox ass and truffle, on the house.
Thanks, Roscoe, but all the free ox ass and truffles in the world couldn't solve my problem.
I just wish I could learn how to make Cream Corn learn.
Naw, that ain't what learni' is, Dynamite.
See, with kids, you got to let them [bleep.]
up on their own.
Take my son, Herman, for example.
I didn't know you had a son, Roscoe.
- I never see him.
- Yep little Herman cain.
I tried teachin' him the family business, but he don't want to combine [bleep.]
-up food combinations.
He just wants to do pizza by itself and call it "godfather.
" But that boy definitely a [bleep.]
-up, and he - ain't goin' nowhere.
- Roscoe, that's it! - It's what? - It's not Cream Corn's certainty of failure.
It's that he's willing to face death for what he believes in, regardless of how stupid as [bleep.]
it is.
And it's about time I faced it with him.
Uh, wait! You ain't even ate your ox ass, Black Dynamite! Dynamite! Dynamite! Don't you disappointment me, Cream Corn.
- And where's your partner, Fred? - Black Dynamite! Lord have mercy! I'm glad you're here! I just wanted you to know you may be half a pimp, but you're a whole man, Cream Corn, - and that I got respect.
- Thank you, Black Dynamite.
- Now you go out there and break a - My leg! They popped my locks! There's no way I can poplock - with my locks popped, Raj! - What's happening now? Oh - Jesus! - This looks like - the job of Dick's muscle.
- Clark, you dirty Dick.
Now we can't get this pop dance-off unlocked with a pop-locker who can't poplock! It's a two-versus-two contest.
Since we don't have another dancer, we're forced to forfeit.
- Black music is done forever.
- What?! No fair! James Brown and Deney Terrio? That's the white cat that taught John Travolta how to dance black.
It's a unbeatable mix of funk and disco! This is true, but funk as well as disco both have asses.
And if it has an ass, then it can be kicked, and Black Dynamite leaves no ass unkicked.
Can you dig it? Now somebody get me some lawn-jockey, pop-locker threads so we can show these suckers how It's done! Come on, Cream Corn.
- Let's dance.
- It's great to have you back, Dynamite.
Cornelius, I'm not doing it for you.
I'm doing it for Cream Corn, black music, and all the multiple bitches I pleasure at the same time while listening to it.
The winner is "So-o-o-o-o-ul Train.
" [bleep.]
No more black [bleep.]
music for me.
I'm sticking with disco.
Come on! We did it, Black Dynamite! - We beat Dick! - We sure did, Cream Corn, and it's all thanks to me.
Man, you made them fireworks look just like an accident! I may have to use you again one day.
Thank you, my friend.
I told you if I should ever need a favor, I'd expect you to deliver, and you delivered.
And in case you didn't understand that, uh Uh, D-D-Don, does that mean - we're even? - Hell, no, negro! Pull up my car! Dynamite! Dynamite! Uh, I'll be there in a minute.
Forgot my, uh lawn-jockey hat.
Dynamite! Dynamite!