Bless This Mess (2019) s02e07 Episode Script
Six Out of Six
1 RUDY: Yeah.
Portia's not feeding her piglets.
What we have here is a touch of mastitis, which is making her udder tender, and it's making her cranky, so we need to keep her separated from the little piglets.
I'm gonna give her some meds, but she is not gonna want to nurse for a couple of days.
Hey, we had planned on going away this weekend.
Should we cancel that? We were just gonna go to the Red Lion Inn in Omaha.
No, you should definitely take that trip.
Come on.
You guys have earned it.
- I was looking forward to that, yeah.
- I know! I was like Uh, but say goodbye to the piglets before you leave because they'll be dead when you get back.
[PIGLETS SQUEALING.]
- What?! - Tough decision.
I've heard the Red Lion has a stellar business center.
Yeah.
RIO: Here it is! Pig milk, right by the light bulbs Makes total sense.
- Ah.
Oh, "Pig Milk.
" - Look how simple.
- Clear and concise packaging.
- Yeah.
Well, you gotta let the pig milk sell itself, you know? - It's kind of refreshing.
- What do we think? One bucket? We gotta feed them every two hours.
Let me do the math.
Uh yeah, yeah.
That'll be plenty.
- Got it.
- Uh-huh.
All we got to do is keep these little rascals fed and warm.
Yeah.
And we're gonna be looking at six healthy piggies tomorrow morning.
- Six out of six.
- Six out of six.
Up high.
Right here.
I think this will be good.
RIO: W-What's going on here? You guys setting up for something? No, we're just, uh, going about our usual b daily business.
Oh, yeah, looks like you guys are setting up for a party.
No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
Mnh-mnh.
Party time! Let's get cruuuunk I thought you guys were out of town at a hotel.
Is that a margarita machine or? Beau, what are you having a party or something? - That's so surprising.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause that's the first that I'm even hearing about it right now.
The jig is up.
We're having a Euchre tournament.
We have one every year after the Harvest, and I would've invited you, but we take it pretty seriously - and we thought you would stink.
- What is a Euchre? It's a card game you play with a partner.
But this year, Rudy and I are gonna dominate.
No, no, no, no.
Kent and I always win.
Yeah, 'cause you cheat.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're on acid.
- Excuse me? - We don't! No, we don't.
We just ain't caught you yet.
I am a doctor of veterinary medicine.
I don't think I would cheat at Euchre.
- Got a PhD in dirty palms.
- [GASPS.]
- That's all I'm saying.
- Okay Sweetie.
- Well, this seems like a friendly game.
- It seems nice.
BEAU: Yeah, don't think I didn't notice you're wearing your Friday jeans.
And I smell that perfume.
- I got it.
- It's an all-in-one scented body lotion and insect repellent.
Rolling out the red carpet for this, uh what are we calling this guy? He's my date.
He's a long-haul trucker.
His name is Joe, but he prefers Swamp Fox.
It's his handle.
This Swamp Fox does he know you're married? - Well, he knows we're separated.
- Married.
- No, separated.
- Well.
- Separated.
- Still married.
- Technically.
Separated.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- He wants to meet up at some coordinates on his route.
I'm looking forward to it.
I'm not at all nervous.
Not a Not even a tiny, little bit.
I have a date, too.
Yeah.
You're probably jealous about that one.
You didn't know it, did you? Not jealous at all.
Who is she? You don't know her.
Hmm.
[VOCALIZING.]
Oh, I can make circus noises, too.
[VOCALIZING.]
- I got it! I got it! I got it! - I got this! I got this! I Hey, how's your piglets? - How many have died so far? - RIO: Died? - None.
- Are you kidding me? You guys, listen, don't worry.
If you've taken care of a baby, you can certainly take care of a pig.
Kent, shh, shh, no, no, no, no.
They can't have kids.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- What do you mean we can't have kids? Oh, my God.
My apologies.
I-I To be honest, I thought you had kids.
I heard that Mike was shooting blanks.
- What?! - Oh! Is that Is that what you heard? - Wow.
- No.
No.
I'm not shooting blanks.
I'm shooting armor-piercing bullets.
Yes, and I am filled with eggs.
I can't even tell you how many eggs are down here.
It's just like a can of beluga.
Well, if you if you didn't have kids, - then what'd you do in your 20s? - God, my 20s? I worked at the Virgin Megastore at some point.
I sort of accidentally auditioned for "The Real World.
" Strange.
I had a tryst with, um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
one of the Bush twins.
- Ooh! - Yeah.
I never even told you - about that, actually, yeah.
- Exciting.
Yeah.
And then I wore a lot of, like, low-rise jeans.
With a thong? - Mm.
- Yes.
I had, uh, quite a little whale-tail in the In the in the back seat.
Well, I tried one of them once, and that didn't work for me, but - some people like them.
- You were wearing low-rise, too, right? I was wearing a low-rise pant.
- It was a trend.
- Uh, but it but I wore a boxer underneath.
No No floss.
Well, okay, far be it from me to tell somebody - how to live their lives.
- Yes.
Thank you.
But you're doing it completely wrong because that's what you're supposed to do in your 40s.
CONSTANCE: Exactly.
You have kids young because you're too stupid to know you're screwing up.
Oh, hey.
We talking kids? Yeah, when are you two gonna start popping 'em out? - Very personal question.
- Mike is shooting blanks.
That's the second time I've heard that.
But, I mean, have you talked about kids? - Sure, sure, sure.
Not in a - Oh, yeah, we've had a lot of - conversations, but, yeah, I think - So, what are you guys waiting on? I think what we're waiting for - Is - is, um - We're I think - Well, I don't even know anymore what we're waiting for.
I mean, we certainly have the space, and we have the time now.
I think we both have accrued some wisdom that I'd love to bestow onto a-a little, adorable vessel and help guide it through the maze of life.
I don't know.
I You're right.
I don't know why we're waiting, and it's ridiculous! I think we sh we should have a kid.
We should have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
- Oh! - What? - We're gonna have a baby.
- Oh, good.
- A little, tiny - Yeah.
- Nope.
- Nope.
Um - Sidebar in the car.
- Sidebar in the car.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Okay.
It takes a village.
- Bagged up.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
Go get her! - Congratulations!- - need a babysitter, let me know.
- Okay, thanks.
- Good for them.
Honey, I-I-I just I really, really need to apologize again for deciding in front of the whole town that we should have a kid together.
Yeah, I appreciate that, 'cause it just kind of felt like, you know, when we went to that baseball game and there was that boyfriend who proposed to his girlfriend up on the jumbotron and then she said no, and then the whole crowd just, like, booed her, and And they started throwing hot dogs at her, and she picked one up, threw it at that kid.
He got mustard in his eye and then it was like "#MustardBoy.
" Remember? It was kind of like that for me.
It was just like that, and, uh, I see the similarity and in my defense, I found a pros and cons list we made about having a kid back in New York.
Okay.
Well, I love a pros and cons list.
Yeah, you love them, a-and I have come to see the value of them.
So, the cons were "small apartment, garbage smell, baby-stealing rats, baby-stealing pigeons, baby growing up in New York, constantly telling people 'I grew up in New York, ' private schools, public schools, the subway smell, the cab smell, might leave the baby in a cab.
" [PIGLET SQUEALS.]
- And, you know - [SQUEALING CONTINUES.]
all that's changed.
Okay.
Look.
I [STAMMERS.]
I love the idea of having a kid.
I do.
It's just it scares me so bad.
[CHUCKLES.]
I think about, you know, my parents and what it did to them and their marriage.
Well, honey, you you can't possibly blame yourself for your parents' divorce.
Well, I mean, my mom's exact words were, "I can see how you would think this is your fault" - [PIGLET SNORTING.]
- But i-it's n-not.
- No, there was There's no "but.
" - Th No "but.
" Okay.
- She went to get her roots done.
- Okay.
Look, I love her, but not a great parenting moment.
It's not about that.
I am an evolved woman.
I meditate 30 minutes every every month.
Even if it was about your family, that would be totally fine.
I mean, one of the reasons I'm excited to have kids is because of my family.
Your family's, like, perfect.
It's like you can't even talk about them without smiling.
- No.
That's not true.
- You j My family is, you know, they're [CHUCKLES.]
I'm doing it.
Um I just like them.
I like them.
Why is it that, in every family photo, you guys are all wearing, - like, bright white? - Some of the neighbors, uh, thought we were in a cult.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But we weren't.
- Oh.
- I'll tell you what.
How about this? - What? What? What if we make a new pros and cons list? I like that.
I could get behind that.
- Okay, good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Nice doing business with you.
- [PIG SQUEALS.]
KAY: Oh, glad to have you here, Swamp Fox.
Trucking company says I have to have 12 hours off for every 24 I drive.
That, no drinking, no drugs, no hitchhikers.
Took all the fun out of my job.
Yeah, I hear you.
We had to stop using the good pesticide on our corn.
Oh, if you got some pesticide, I got a rag, - if you know what I'm saying.
- I don't.
Wait, so, you've been driving 24 hours straight? - [BELL JINGLES.]
- Oh, there were some curves in there.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
- That was a truck driver joke.
- I see.
Here's a farmer joke You have tomatoes for brains.
[BEAU AND CLARA LAUGH.]
Wait, is Clara your date? I thought you said I didn't know her? I don't know who you know and who you don't know in this town.
- She's Jacob's godmother.
- I had no choice, Kay.
He promised to walk my cats.
All seven at one time, and I can't even do that.
Are you okay? You're breathing very heavy.
The battle of the wits I won.
- We should sit We should sit down.
- I won the battle of the wits.
Dear Blessed Lord, please give us the strength - to win this tournament.
- And dear God, Cousin Marge's cancer is back.
If you would just No, don't don't bug him with that stuff.
Alright, let's get this party started! I don't mean to be cocky, but Constance and I are gonna be victoriousin a dominating fashion.
- Yeah, we'll see about that.
- Alright, let's do this.
RIO: New list.
Here we go.
- Con - Yeah.
We'd have to get up very early every day.
Pro we're already waking up early 'cause of the farm.
Con we still haven't found the nest of snakes in our house.
- Mm-hmm.
- And that is worrisome.
Pro uh, we'll have nine months to locate the nest.
Yeah, regardless, I feel like that should just be on like, a separate to-do list - or something.
- We should do a to-do list.
- Yeah, I'll do that after.
- Okay.
- Pro baby smell.
Hello! - Oh, what a smell.
- Isn't that fantastic? - Mm.
- Con poop.
- Okay.
- If we're in a groove - Sure.
family band is on the table.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, let's write that.
- "Family band.
" - Won't that be fun? Oh.
Con health insurance.
We don't have health insurance or savings.
- Yeah, who does? - Yeah, true.
Pro if our kid is really talented and gets rich, - but then goes crazy - Oh.
- we can take all their money.
- Is that a pro or a con? - Oh, a pro.
A pro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
"Crazy money.
" - Give it to me, baby.
- Okay.
Sweetheart, it's your turn to order up the trump suit.
And don't forget that the Clarkes are bringing in their dog Monday to have it spayed.
Right.
I totally forgot.
Uh I guess I'll pick - spades.
- Okay.
What a bunch of bean dip.
You're cheating.
- Whoa.
- Joe, it's your turn.
- [SNORING.]
- Joe! [BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Oh, God.
Joe, you're not on the road anymore.
Swamp Fox, come in! Go for Swamp Fox! Sorry about that.
Did I lose time? - Rudy, do you smell something? - I do.
I think somebody's toast.
A J-bird.
Boom-shaka-laka-laka.
Ba-bah! I don't have a sense of smell.
Clara, Euchre is a team sport.
We We need to communicate.
Okay.
So, I have an ace of hearts and a 10 of spades No, no, you don't say it out loud.
- You You say it with your eyes.
- [MUTTERING.]
God, Beau Bowman, you want me so bad.
I might just let you have me.
[SLURPS LOUDLY.]
[SLURPING CONTINUES.]
[GULPS.]
- Yeah.
- I need a napkin.
Oh, God! RIO: You know what? Here's a con Just, like, the state of the world, you know what I mean? Global warming, the erosion of democracy, that trash island - Pro we both love the name Bastian.
- Yeah, that's true.
And I've never met anyone who even like sthat name.
It's because it's the best name.
Everyone else is crazy.
Mm-hmm.
And - [LIQUID SLOSHING.]
- [PIGLETS SQUEALING.]
Good.
Pro look how cute their little butts look - wiggling around.
- Mm! I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, con but this is, like, a real con What if having a baby [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
pulls us apart? I mean, that has nothing to do with my parents.
- I'm just saying, it - Mm-hmm.
hypothetically speaking.
But pro What if it pushes us closer together? - Okay.
Alright.
- Mm-hmm.
- Con - Mm-hmm.
- Dig deep.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Con con, con Trying to think of it, but, look, they're so cute! - Okay, pro - Okay.
I would love to see what kind of little weirdo we would cook up.
I would I would love to see what kind of weirdo we would cook up, too.
- Yeah? [CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Of course.
I'm pro-weirdo.
Well, it looks like it's you two against us for the final game.
- We gonna kick your butt! - You're wood, and Constance and I are a wood chipper.
We're gonna shred you piece by piece so that you can only be used as mulch or perhaps a decorative walkway.
- [IMITATING WOOD CHIPPER BUZZING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [BOTH IMITATING BUZZING.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Sit down.
- Oh.
Come on, now.
- We know.
It's time to feed the piglets again.
[PIGLETS SQUEALING.]
Oh.
Honey, this is empty The bucket.
Did you not get another bucket of formula? No, no, I just bought the one.
I-I did the math.
Yeah, but it's weird 'cause they need to eat right now - and this is empty, so - Well - Okay.
- What kind of math did you - Yeah, it's still empty.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So - Um a-alright, don't panic.
- I'm not panicking, I'm just saying.
- I'll run to the store and grab another one.
And you stay here with the piggies.
Alone? Wait.
Why do you get to run to the store and I stay with the piggies? Just off the top of my head - You don't have a license.
- Okay, that's fair.
Alright, yeah, you just go.
That makes more sense.
Alright.
Are Are you Are you okay? - Yeah, of course.
I'm good.
- Okay.
- Yeah, we got a strong bond.
- Okay.
- I'll I'll keep them entertained.
- Great.
I got this.
Alright.
[SEAT BELT CLICKS.]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING, CHIMING.]
- [BREATHES SHARPLY.]
[WHISPERING.]
Okay Okay.
Why did you leave me alone?! [CRYING.]
I can't do this! Did someone break in? No, I went to pee, and I came back, and the thing went boom.
We got to all get in the car and go together don't leave me alone again.
- We put them in the basket - Whoa, hold on.
Do you see what they did to the house? I don't think we should put them in the car.
We'll just put them in the car! We'll all go! How'd they take the phone off the hook? BEAU: So, where's your partner? Um, taking a sink shower in Connie's bathroom.
Clara's trying to break into the Kotex machine.
What do you mean? I have pads.
She's very private.
I'll bet you miss your old partner, though.
- Dream team.
- [SCOFFS.]
Okay.
We were never a team.
You went solo on every hand.
I just drank beer and checked celebrity gossip on my phone.
We won every now and again.
You won, but Euchre is about playing together.
You only cared about what you had, not the cards that were in my hand.
You never even looked at me.
I was always looking at you.
I have incredible peripheral vision.
I I'm looking into your eyes right now.
No, I'm not blaming you.
I'm just saying, you know, when you said,"Oh, I've done the math.
Yeah, we have enough formula," and then we didn't have enough formula, I'm kind of like, "Eh Ah Ah" I mean, it does sound like you're blaming me a little bit.
I'm I'm not.
That's just my voice and my face and the expression that my face is making, but it's not how I feel.
- I am not blaming you.
- Well, you shouldn't.
But I was gone for three seconds! - What happened in there?! - I You I Now we're on a road trip with six pigs.
No.
You know what? Stop.
See? This is what I'm talking about.
This is the only con that we should be paying attention to.
This is the con.
We forget how much formula to get, and then all of a sudden, we're turned against each other? This is about my parents.
I'll admit that, okay? - It's a little bit about my parents.
- Thank you.
- It's super about my parents.
- Thank you.
- Who am I kidding? - You're You're right.
You're right.
- We are stronger than this.
We are b - Yeah.
- What the Did you just lock it? - I don't have the keys.
- They stepped on the keys! - Did they just lock it?! Okay.
Hold on.
Hold on, hon.
Hon, don't unravel.
If they stepped on it once, they'll step on it again.
- Okay? - Wha! - [CAR HONKS.]
- [SHOUTING.]
No! They just locked it again! They doubled down! - Laugh it up, piggies! - So funny! [PIGLETS SNORTING.]
Hi, piggies.
Little Hey, you stay warm.
- Boy, maybe I can get them to walk - Baby, go get spare key.
- What? - Go get the spare key.
- That is the spare key.
- No, that's not it.
- Yes, that's it.
- Inside?! Why's the spare key I would've I-If it wasn't, I would've gotten it I know, I know.
Just fine.
Let me just think about it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- Let me think about it.
We're fine.
We're good.
We're good.
As a couple, we're good.
I just need to break the glass.
- Yes.
Let's - Break the glass is something we do after we've tried another thing that didn't work, okay? Honey, please, please don't try to break the [SHOUTING.]
Oh, my God! Mike! Honey, are you okay?! Please say something! Please say something! - It's okay, baby.
It didn't even hurt.
- You You sure? - 'Cause I see a little bit of blood.
- Yeah, how's it how's it look? Oh, that's a lot of blood.
Oh, God.
It's not bad, though.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Yeah, here it is.
Here's the pain.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
- Does it hurt now? - Yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna get you help.
Okay? - [GROANING.]
Th-That's locked.
That's locked.
- Oh, that's right.
Locked.
Dang it.
- That's why we're here.
Hon, hon, take your bike.
Your bike, your bike.
I'm gonna take my bike.
I'm gonna take my bike.
Okay.
- [OHHS AND OOHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, okay.
Ohh! - I'll take that little round.
DEB: Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Bring us home, Kent.
Bring us home.
- Help.
Kent.
- [ALL SHUSHING.]
Rio, you weren't invited.
- Yeah, Rio, playing Euchre.
- Oh.
Kent, please, please.
- What you got? - Oh, you Sneaky Pete! Oh, no! There's a flimflammer in our midst! Okay, well, I have no idea how that happened.
This is causing me to question everything I know about you.
Is your name even Kent? Do you even like margaritas? Kent's a cheater! Just him! Ban him for life! Seriously, the pigs are locked in the car, and I smashed Mike in the face! - Let's go! - No, no, no.
You don't need a veterinarian who cheats at cards.
- You need me, Beau, and a toolbox.
- Good.
That's great.
- Let's do that.
Rock 'n' roll.
- You coming? - Yep.
Bye, Clara.
- Bye, Joe.
[BELL JINGLES.]
I'm heading to a packing plant in Lubbock, Texas.
You want in? Honk honk.
- Can my cats come? - No.
Alright, good news.
The bleeding stopped.
I accidentally hit Mike with one of those long What's the long stick with the metal thing at the end? The sharp? - BOTH: A hoe? - I h I hoed him in the face.
So, um So, when are you gonna start having kids? Kay, did you hear what I just said? I locked my little baby piglets in my car, and I forgot to buy enough formula for them to live, and I hoed my husband in the face.
I don't think that I'm fit to have kids.
That's nothing.
We set Jacob on fire at his first birthday.
What? It was just his bib, really, and then we got all those cute pictures of him - covered in fire extinguisher foam.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- That seems, like, - pretty bad.
- Oh, it was, and we had to talk to people from several organizations.
Yeah, had a home visit, case study he's got a file.
Having children obviously hurt your marriage, right? [LAUGHS.]
Of course it did.
Things were much better off before Jacob came.
We, uh, cared for each other, had more money, looked a lot better, too.
We used to think we were tired.
We used to take naps just for the hell of it.
Beau used to make love to my body like I was a glass of water and he was thirsty, fresh from the desert.
Fog up the shower and then write nasty things on the wall.
Whatever we could find on the YouTubes, we'd re-create it.
- We shouldn't go into Right.
- Details.
Sure.
Yeah, it changes you life and your marriage for the worse, but then it changes them for the better, and then for the worse again, and then for the better.
Better and worse and better and worse, and on like that - until everyone dies.
- Oh.
Then there's Jacob.
There ain't nothing better than Jacob.
[BIRDS SQUAWKING.]
Yeah.
Don't overthink it.
Doesn't make sense doesn't need to.
- I know what I want to do.
Beau - Yes, ma'am? [KNIFE CLICKS.]
- Thank you.
- A knife? - Oop.
- Okay.
- Where was that? - There we go.
- And then you just - Uh-huh.
- Okay, and then - Mm-hmm.
- And can you Uh-huh.
- Yep.
- Oh, yeah.
Right there, Daddy.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, and now bring her on home! - Whoo! - Okay.
- Really? Oh.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Oh.
Here we go.
- Oh, my goodness.
Hi, baby.
- Oh - Okay, we got him.
We got him.
Okay, okay, okay, 'kay-'kay.
Alrighty.
Hey.
Oh, look at this little guy.
Okay, you take that one inside.
- We'll get the rest.
- Little butter face.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
- [GROANS LIGHTLY.]
Huh? - Yeah, me, too.
- Mm.
[MIKE BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Hey.
Hon, I'm sorry I couldn't help you feed them.
Don't worry about it.
- I bet it helps.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Okay, that looks - Looks better.
- Yeah? Feels better.
- Does it? - Yeah.
Okay.
I just want to say, you know thank you for you know, making this list with me.
Yeah, of course.
You know, we can talk more about it.
I want to try.
Yeah? - I do.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[SNORTS.]
No, no, don't move.
Okay.
What made you change your mind? I just don't think it's a decision I can make with my mind.
I'm scared.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm scared, too.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Do Do we Do we need to start right now? [CHUCKLES.]
Let's just - Let's just cuddle.
- Okay.
[SIGHS.]
I want to be, like, old parents, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to be like Clint Eastwood with a brand-new baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
[SNIFFLES.]
You know, when I take the baby to the grocery store and ask where the diapers are, I want the person to say, "For which one of you?" [LAUGHS.]
Alright.
Mm, smokin' hot.
Set it on fire, baby.
- [LAUGHS.]
Take one.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I got a pretty good hand.
I think I can do this on my own.
Pass.
Okay, Kay has one card left.
If it's the Jack of Hearts, she and Beau win.
Who are you talking to, honey? [IMITATING WOOD CHIPPER BUZZING.]
[CONSTANCE AND RUDY LAUGH.]
BEAU: Oh, my God.
You have the Jack of Hearts.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [GROANING.]
No, no [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Looks like your wood chipper's all jammed up, Rudy! [LAUGHS.]
I won! I paid attention to my wife, and I won! - [LAUGHS.]
- Whoo! Suck on that! [ALL GASP.]
Oh, boy, oh, boy, this could be it.
I could spin completely out of control.
No, I've got a handle on it.
We're good.
Portia's not feeding her piglets.
What we have here is a touch of mastitis, which is making her udder tender, and it's making her cranky, so we need to keep her separated from the little piglets.
I'm gonna give her some meds, but she is not gonna want to nurse for a couple of days.
Hey, we had planned on going away this weekend.
Should we cancel that? We were just gonna go to the Red Lion Inn in Omaha.
No, you should definitely take that trip.
Come on.
You guys have earned it.
- I was looking forward to that, yeah.
- I know! I was like Uh, but say goodbye to the piglets before you leave because they'll be dead when you get back.
[PIGLETS SQUEALING.]
- What?! - Tough decision.
I've heard the Red Lion has a stellar business center.
Yeah.
RIO: Here it is! Pig milk, right by the light bulbs Makes total sense.
- Ah.
Oh, "Pig Milk.
" - Look how simple.
- Clear and concise packaging.
- Yeah.
Well, you gotta let the pig milk sell itself, you know? - It's kind of refreshing.
- What do we think? One bucket? We gotta feed them every two hours.
Let me do the math.
Uh yeah, yeah.
That'll be plenty.
- Got it.
- Uh-huh.
All we got to do is keep these little rascals fed and warm.
Yeah.
And we're gonna be looking at six healthy piggies tomorrow morning.
- Six out of six.
- Six out of six.
Up high.
Right here.
I think this will be good.
RIO: W-What's going on here? You guys setting up for something? No, we're just, uh, going about our usual b daily business.
Oh, yeah, looks like you guys are setting up for a party.
No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
Mnh-mnh.
Party time! Let's get cruuuunk I thought you guys were out of town at a hotel.
Is that a margarita machine or? Beau, what are you having a party or something? - That's so surprising.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
'Cause that's the first that I'm even hearing about it right now.
The jig is up.
We're having a Euchre tournament.
We have one every year after the Harvest, and I would've invited you, but we take it pretty seriously - and we thought you would stink.
- What is a Euchre? It's a card game you play with a partner.
But this year, Rudy and I are gonna dominate.
No, no, no, no.
Kent and I always win.
Yeah, 'cause you cheat.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're on acid.
- Excuse me? - We don't! No, we don't.
We just ain't caught you yet.
I am a doctor of veterinary medicine.
I don't think I would cheat at Euchre.
- Got a PhD in dirty palms.
- [GASPS.]
- That's all I'm saying.
- Okay Sweetie.
- Well, this seems like a friendly game.
- It seems nice.
BEAU: Yeah, don't think I didn't notice you're wearing your Friday jeans.
And I smell that perfume.
- I got it.
- It's an all-in-one scented body lotion and insect repellent.
Rolling out the red carpet for this, uh what are we calling this guy? He's my date.
He's a long-haul trucker.
His name is Joe, but he prefers Swamp Fox.
It's his handle.
This Swamp Fox does he know you're married? - Well, he knows we're separated.
- Married.
- No, separated.
- Well.
- Separated.
- Still married.
- Technically.
Separated.
- Okay.
- Alright.
- He wants to meet up at some coordinates on his route.
I'm looking forward to it.
I'm not at all nervous.
Not a Not even a tiny, little bit.
I have a date, too.
Yeah.
You're probably jealous about that one.
You didn't know it, did you? Not jealous at all.
Who is she? You don't know her.
Hmm.
[VOCALIZING.]
Oh, I can make circus noises, too.
[VOCALIZING.]
- I got it! I got it! I got it! - I got this! I got this! I Hey, how's your piglets? - How many have died so far? - RIO: Died? - None.
- Are you kidding me? You guys, listen, don't worry.
If you've taken care of a baby, you can certainly take care of a pig.
Kent, shh, shh, no, no, no, no.
They can't have kids.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- What do you mean we can't have kids? Oh, my God.
My apologies.
I-I To be honest, I thought you had kids.
I heard that Mike was shooting blanks.
- What?! - Oh! Is that Is that what you heard? - Wow.
- No.
No.
I'm not shooting blanks.
I'm shooting armor-piercing bullets.
Yes, and I am filled with eggs.
I can't even tell you how many eggs are down here.
It's just like a can of beluga.
Well, if you if you didn't have kids, - then what'd you do in your 20s? - God, my 20s? I worked at the Virgin Megastore at some point.
I sort of accidentally auditioned for "The Real World.
" Strange.
I had a tryst with, um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
one of the Bush twins.
- Ooh! - Yeah.
I never even told you - about that, actually, yeah.
- Exciting.
Yeah.
And then I wore a lot of, like, low-rise jeans.
With a thong? - Mm.
- Yes.
I had, uh, quite a little whale-tail in the In the in the back seat.
Well, I tried one of them once, and that didn't work for me, but - some people like them.
- You were wearing low-rise, too, right? I was wearing a low-rise pant.
- It was a trend.
- Uh, but it but I wore a boxer underneath.
No No floss.
Well, okay, far be it from me to tell somebody - how to live their lives.
- Yes.
Thank you.
But you're doing it completely wrong because that's what you're supposed to do in your 40s.
CONSTANCE: Exactly.
You have kids young because you're too stupid to know you're screwing up.
Oh, hey.
We talking kids? Yeah, when are you two gonna start popping 'em out? - Very personal question.
- Mike is shooting blanks.
That's the second time I've heard that.
But, I mean, have you talked about kids? - Sure, sure, sure.
Not in a - Oh, yeah, we've had a lot of - conversations, but, yeah, I think - So, what are you guys waiting on? I think what we're waiting for - Is - is, um - We're I think - Well, I don't even know anymore what we're waiting for.
I mean, we certainly have the space, and we have the time now.
I think we both have accrued some wisdom that I'd love to bestow onto a-a little, adorable vessel and help guide it through the maze of life.
I don't know.
I You're right.
I don't know why we're waiting, and it's ridiculous! I think we sh we should have a kid.
We should have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
- Oh! - What? - We're gonna have a baby.
- Oh, good.
- A little, tiny - Yeah.
- Nope.
- Nope.
Um - Sidebar in the car.
- Sidebar in the car.
- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- Okay.
It takes a village.
- Bagged up.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
Go get her! - Congratulations!- - need a babysitter, let me know.
- Okay, thanks.
- Good for them.
Honey, I-I-I just I really, really need to apologize again for deciding in front of the whole town that we should have a kid together.
Yeah, I appreciate that, 'cause it just kind of felt like, you know, when we went to that baseball game and there was that boyfriend who proposed to his girlfriend up on the jumbotron and then she said no, and then the whole crowd just, like, booed her, and And they started throwing hot dogs at her, and she picked one up, threw it at that kid.
He got mustard in his eye and then it was like "#MustardBoy.
" Remember? It was kind of like that for me.
It was just like that, and, uh, I see the similarity and in my defense, I found a pros and cons list we made about having a kid back in New York.
Okay.
Well, I love a pros and cons list.
Yeah, you love them, a-and I have come to see the value of them.
So, the cons were "small apartment, garbage smell, baby-stealing rats, baby-stealing pigeons, baby growing up in New York, constantly telling people 'I grew up in New York, ' private schools, public schools, the subway smell, the cab smell, might leave the baby in a cab.
" [PIGLET SQUEALS.]
- And, you know - [SQUEALING CONTINUES.]
all that's changed.
Okay.
Look.
I [STAMMERS.]
I love the idea of having a kid.
I do.
It's just it scares me so bad.
[CHUCKLES.]
I think about, you know, my parents and what it did to them and their marriage.
Well, honey, you you can't possibly blame yourself for your parents' divorce.
Well, I mean, my mom's exact words were, "I can see how you would think this is your fault" - [PIGLET SNORTING.]
- But i-it's n-not.
- No, there was There's no "but.
" - Th No "but.
" Okay.
- She went to get her roots done.
- Okay.
Look, I love her, but not a great parenting moment.
It's not about that.
I am an evolved woman.
I meditate 30 minutes every every month.
Even if it was about your family, that would be totally fine.
I mean, one of the reasons I'm excited to have kids is because of my family.
Your family's, like, perfect.
It's like you can't even talk about them without smiling.
- No.
That's not true.
- You j My family is, you know, they're [CHUCKLES.]
I'm doing it.
Um I just like them.
I like them.
Why is it that, in every family photo, you guys are all wearing, - like, bright white? - Some of the neighbors, uh, thought we were in a cult.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But we weren't.
- Oh.
- I'll tell you what.
How about this? - What? What? What if we make a new pros and cons list? I like that.
I could get behind that.
- Okay, good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Nice doing business with you.
- [PIG SQUEALS.]
KAY: Oh, glad to have you here, Swamp Fox.
Trucking company says I have to have 12 hours off for every 24 I drive.
That, no drinking, no drugs, no hitchhikers.
Took all the fun out of my job.
Yeah, I hear you.
We had to stop using the good pesticide on our corn.
Oh, if you got some pesticide, I got a rag, - if you know what I'm saying.
- I don't.
Wait, so, you've been driving 24 hours straight? - [BELL JINGLES.]
- Oh, there were some curves in there.
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
- That was a truck driver joke.
- I see.
Here's a farmer joke You have tomatoes for brains.
[BEAU AND CLARA LAUGH.]
Wait, is Clara your date? I thought you said I didn't know her? I don't know who you know and who you don't know in this town.
- She's Jacob's godmother.
- I had no choice, Kay.
He promised to walk my cats.
All seven at one time, and I can't even do that.
Are you okay? You're breathing very heavy.
The battle of the wits I won.
- We should sit We should sit down.
- I won the battle of the wits.
Dear Blessed Lord, please give us the strength - to win this tournament.
- And dear God, Cousin Marge's cancer is back.
If you would just No, don't don't bug him with that stuff.
Alright, let's get this party started! I don't mean to be cocky, but Constance and I are gonna be victoriousin a dominating fashion.
- Yeah, we'll see about that.
- Alright, let's do this.
RIO: New list.
Here we go.
- Con - Yeah.
We'd have to get up very early every day.
Pro we're already waking up early 'cause of the farm.
Con we still haven't found the nest of snakes in our house.
- Mm-hmm.
- And that is worrisome.
Pro uh, we'll have nine months to locate the nest.
Yeah, regardless, I feel like that should just be on like, a separate to-do list - or something.
- We should do a to-do list.
- Yeah, I'll do that after.
- Okay.
- Pro baby smell.
Hello! - Oh, what a smell.
- Isn't that fantastic? - Mm.
- Con poop.
- Okay.
- If we're in a groove - Sure.
family band is on the table.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, let's write that.
- "Family band.
" - Won't that be fun? Oh.
Con health insurance.
We don't have health insurance or savings.
- Yeah, who does? - Yeah, true.
Pro if our kid is really talented and gets rich, - but then goes crazy - Oh.
- we can take all their money.
- Is that a pro or a con? - Oh, a pro.
A pro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
"Crazy money.
" - Give it to me, baby.
- Okay.
Sweetheart, it's your turn to order up the trump suit.
And don't forget that the Clarkes are bringing in their dog Monday to have it spayed.
Right.
I totally forgot.
Uh I guess I'll pick - spades.
- Okay.
What a bunch of bean dip.
You're cheating.
- Whoa.
- Joe, it's your turn.
- [SNORING.]
- Joe! [BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Oh, God.
Joe, you're not on the road anymore.
Swamp Fox, come in! Go for Swamp Fox! Sorry about that.
Did I lose time? - Rudy, do you smell something? - I do.
I think somebody's toast.
A J-bird.
Boom-shaka-laka-laka.
Ba-bah! I don't have a sense of smell.
Clara, Euchre is a team sport.
We We need to communicate.
Okay.
So, I have an ace of hearts and a 10 of spades No, no, you don't say it out loud.
- You You say it with your eyes.
- [MUTTERING.]
God, Beau Bowman, you want me so bad.
I might just let you have me.
[SLURPS LOUDLY.]
[SLURPING CONTINUES.]
[GULPS.]
- Yeah.
- I need a napkin.
Oh, God! RIO: You know what? Here's a con Just, like, the state of the world, you know what I mean? Global warming, the erosion of democracy, that trash island - Pro we both love the name Bastian.
- Yeah, that's true.
And I've never met anyone who even like sthat name.
It's because it's the best name.
Everyone else is crazy.
Mm-hmm.
And - [LIQUID SLOSHING.]
- [PIGLETS SQUEALING.]
Good.
Pro look how cute their little butts look - wiggling around.
- Mm! I know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, con but this is, like, a real con What if having a baby [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
pulls us apart? I mean, that has nothing to do with my parents.
- I'm just saying, it - Mm-hmm.
hypothetically speaking.
But pro What if it pushes us closer together? - Okay.
Alright.
- Mm-hmm.
- Con - Mm-hmm.
- Dig deep.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Con con, con Trying to think of it, but, look, they're so cute! - Okay, pro - Okay.
I would love to see what kind of little weirdo we would cook up.
I would I would love to see what kind of weirdo we would cook up, too.
- Yeah? [CHUCKLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Of course.
I'm pro-weirdo.
Well, it looks like it's you two against us for the final game.
- We gonna kick your butt! - You're wood, and Constance and I are a wood chipper.
We're gonna shred you piece by piece so that you can only be used as mulch or perhaps a decorative walkway.
- [IMITATING WOOD CHIPPER BUZZING.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [BOTH IMITATING BUZZING.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Sit down.
- Oh.
Come on, now.
- We know.
It's time to feed the piglets again.
[PIGLETS SQUEALING.]
Oh.
Honey, this is empty The bucket.
Did you not get another bucket of formula? No, no, I just bought the one.
I-I did the math.
Yeah, but it's weird 'cause they need to eat right now - and this is empty, so - Well - Okay.
- What kind of math did you - Yeah, it's still empty.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So - Um a-alright, don't panic.
- I'm not panicking, I'm just saying.
- I'll run to the store and grab another one.
And you stay here with the piggies.
Alone? Wait.
Why do you get to run to the store and I stay with the piggies? Just off the top of my head - You don't have a license.
- Okay, that's fair.
Alright, yeah, you just go.
That makes more sense.
Alright.
Are Are you Are you okay? - Yeah, of course.
I'm good.
- Okay.
- Yeah, we got a strong bond.
- Okay.
- I'll I'll keep them entertained.
- Great.
I got this.
Alright.
[SEAT BELT CLICKS.]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATING, CHIMING.]
- [BREATHES SHARPLY.]
[WHISPERING.]
Okay Okay.
Why did you leave me alone?! [CRYING.]
I can't do this! Did someone break in? No, I went to pee, and I came back, and the thing went boom.
We got to all get in the car and go together don't leave me alone again.
- We put them in the basket - Whoa, hold on.
Do you see what they did to the house? I don't think we should put them in the car.
We'll just put them in the car! We'll all go! How'd they take the phone off the hook? BEAU: So, where's your partner? Um, taking a sink shower in Connie's bathroom.
Clara's trying to break into the Kotex machine.
What do you mean? I have pads.
She's very private.
I'll bet you miss your old partner, though.
- Dream team.
- [SCOFFS.]
Okay.
We were never a team.
You went solo on every hand.
I just drank beer and checked celebrity gossip on my phone.
We won every now and again.
You won, but Euchre is about playing together.
You only cared about what you had, not the cards that were in my hand.
You never even looked at me.
I was always looking at you.
I have incredible peripheral vision.
I I'm looking into your eyes right now.
No, I'm not blaming you.
I'm just saying, you know, when you said,"Oh, I've done the math.
Yeah, we have enough formula," and then we didn't have enough formula, I'm kind of like, "Eh Ah Ah" I mean, it does sound like you're blaming me a little bit.
I'm I'm not.
That's just my voice and my face and the expression that my face is making, but it's not how I feel.
- I am not blaming you.
- Well, you shouldn't.
But I was gone for three seconds! - What happened in there?! - I You I Now we're on a road trip with six pigs.
No.
You know what? Stop.
See? This is what I'm talking about.
This is the only con that we should be paying attention to.
This is the con.
We forget how much formula to get, and then all of a sudden, we're turned against each other? This is about my parents.
I'll admit that, okay? - It's a little bit about my parents.
- Thank you.
- It's super about my parents.
- Thank you.
- Who am I kidding? - You're You're right.
You're right.
- We are stronger than this.
We are b - Yeah.
- What the Did you just lock it? - I don't have the keys.
- They stepped on the keys! - Did they just lock it?! Okay.
Hold on.
Hold on, hon.
Hon, don't unravel.
If they stepped on it once, they'll step on it again.
- Okay? - Wha! - [CAR HONKS.]
- [SHOUTING.]
No! They just locked it again! They doubled down! - Laugh it up, piggies! - So funny! [PIGLETS SNORTING.]
Hi, piggies.
Little Hey, you stay warm.
- Boy, maybe I can get them to walk - Baby, go get spare key.
- What? - Go get the spare key.
- That is the spare key.
- No, that's not it.
- Yes, that's it.
- Inside?! Why's the spare key I would've I-If it wasn't, I would've gotten it I know, I know.
Just fine.
Let me just think about it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- Let me think about it.
We're fine.
We're good.
We're good.
As a couple, we're good.
I just need to break the glass.
- Yes.
Let's - Break the glass is something we do after we've tried another thing that didn't work, okay? Honey, please, please don't try to break the [SHOUTING.]
Oh, my God! Mike! Honey, are you okay?! Please say something! Please say something! - It's okay, baby.
It didn't even hurt.
- You You sure? - 'Cause I see a little bit of blood.
- Yeah, how's it how's it look? Oh, that's a lot of blood.
Oh, God.
It's not bad, though.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Yeah, here it is.
Here's the pain.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
- Does it hurt now? - Yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna get you help.
Okay? - [GROANING.]
Th-That's locked.
That's locked.
- Oh, that's right.
Locked.
Dang it.
- That's why we're here.
Hon, hon, take your bike.
Your bike, your bike.
I'm gonna take my bike.
I'm gonna take my bike.
Okay.
- [OHHS AND OOHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, okay.
Ohh! - I'll take that little round.
DEB: Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Bring us home, Kent.
Bring us home.
- Help.
Kent.
- [ALL SHUSHING.]
Rio, you weren't invited.
- Yeah, Rio, playing Euchre.
- Oh.
Kent, please, please.
- What you got? - Oh, you Sneaky Pete! Oh, no! There's a flimflammer in our midst! Okay, well, I have no idea how that happened.
This is causing me to question everything I know about you.
Is your name even Kent? Do you even like margaritas? Kent's a cheater! Just him! Ban him for life! Seriously, the pigs are locked in the car, and I smashed Mike in the face! - Let's go! - No, no, no.
You don't need a veterinarian who cheats at cards.
- You need me, Beau, and a toolbox.
- Good.
That's great.
- Let's do that.
Rock 'n' roll.
- You coming? - Yep.
Bye, Clara.
- Bye, Joe.
[BELL JINGLES.]
I'm heading to a packing plant in Lubbock, Texas.
You want in? Honk honk.
- Can my cats come? - No.
Alright, good news.
The bleeding stopped.
I accidentally hit Mike with one of those long What's the long stick with the metal thing at the end? The sharp? - BOTH: A hoe? - I h I hoed him in the face.
So, um So, when are you gonna start having kids? Kay, did you hear what I just said? I locked my little baby piglets in my car, and I forgot to buy enough formula for them to live, and I hoed my husband in the face.
I don't think that I'm fit to have kids.
That's nothing.
We set Jacob on fire at his first birthday.
What? It was just his bib, really, and then we got all those cute pictures of him - covered in fire extinguisher foam.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- That seems, like, - pretty bad.
- Oh, it was, and we had to talk to people from several organizations.
Yeah, had a home visit, case study he's got a file.
Having children obviously hurt your marriage, right? [LAUGHS.]
Of course it did.
Things were much better off before Jacob came.
We, uh, cared for each other, had more money, looked a lot better, too.
We used to think we were tired.
We used to take naps just for the hell of it.
Beau used to make love to my body like I was a glass of water and he was thirsty, fresh from the desert.
Fog up the shower and then write nasty things on the wall.
Whatever we could find on the YouTubes, we'd re-create it.
- We shouldn't go into Right.
- Details.
Sure.
Yeah, it changes you life and your marriage for the worse, but then it changes them for the better, and then for the worse again, and then for the better.
Better and worse and better and worse, and on like that - until everyone dies.
- Oh.
Then there's Jacob.
There ain't nothing better than Jacob.
[BIRDS SQUAWKING.]
Yeah.
Don't overthink it.
Doesn't make sense doesn't need to.
- I know what I want to do.
Beau - Yes, ma'am? [KNIFE CLICKS.]
- Thank you.
- A knife? - Oop.
- Okay.
- Where was that? - There we go.
- And then you just - Uh-huh.
- Okay, and then - Mm-hmm.
- And can you Uh-huh.
- Yep.
- Oh, yeah.
Right there, Daddy.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, and now bring her on home! - Whoo! - Okay.
- Really? Oh.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Oh.
Here we go.
- Oh, my goodness.
Hi, baby.
- Oh - Okay, we got him.
We got him.
Okay, okay, okay, 'kay-'kay.
Alrighty.
Hey.
Oh, look at this little guy.
Okay, you take that one inside.
- We'll get the rest.
- Little butter face.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
- [GROANS LIGHTLY.]
Huh? - Yeah, me, too.
- Mm.
[MIKE BREATHES SHARPLY.]
Hey.
Hon, I'm sorry I couldn't help you feed them.
Don't worry about it.
- I bet it helps.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
Okay, that looks - Looks better.
- Yeah? Feels better.
- Does it? - Yeah.
Okay.
I just want to say, you know thank you for you know, making this list with me.
Yeah, of course.
You know, we can talk more about it.
I want to try.
Yeah? - I do.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[SNORTS.]
No, no, don't move.
Okay.
What made you change your mind? I just don't think it's a decision I can make with my mind.
I'm scared.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm scared, too.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Do Do we Do we need to start right now? [CHUCKLES.]
Let's just - Let's just cuddle.
- Okay.
[SIGHS.]
I want to be, like, old parents, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to be like Clint Eastwood with a brand-new baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
[SNIFFLES.]
You know, when I take the baby to the grocery store and ask where the diapers are, I want the person to say, "For which one of you?" [LAUGHS.]
Alright.
Mm, smokin' hot.
Set it on fire, baby.
- [LAUGHS.]
Take one.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I got a pretty good hand.
I think I can do this on my own.
Pass.
Okay, Kay has one card left.
If it's the Jack of Hearts, she and Beau win.
Who are you talking to, honey? [IMITATING WOOD CHIPPER BUZZING.]
[CONSTANCE AND RUDY LAUGH.]
BEAU: Oh, my God.
You have the Jack of Hearts.
- [LAUGHING.]
- [GROANING.]
No, no [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Looks like your wood chipper's all jammed up, Rudy! [LAUGHS.]
I won! I paid attention to my wife, and I won! - [LAUGHS.]
- Whoo! Suck on that! [ALL GASP.]
Oh, boy, oh, boy, this could be it.
I could spin completely out of control.
No, I've got a handle on it.
We're good.