Blindspotting (2021) s02e07 Episode Script
Meatfest
1
[MANTIS] Oh, hello.
Let me catch you up with what happened
previously on Blindspotting.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]
Bitch!
- [WHISPERING]
- Earl!
I got you a present for keeping bugs in.
[MILES] Is your girlfriend
cheating on you with her new boyfriend?
[EARL] Are you gonna tell Jacque
you're in love with her?
- Don't let nobody steal your joy.
- I need to break them up.
I need to break them up.
I may have told Cuddie some
disastrous costume advice.
You a pirate, Pare. We kill pirates!
[CROWING]
I say this with love,
but y'all are hella
stubborn as a family.
You are not my sister.
Let's make that 1,000% clear.
You are my brother's fucking
luggage that he dropped off here.
Mustafa.
I want you to come back
to Bali, be my wife again.
- [KID] What the fuck is that?
- [ASHLEY] It's a Thizzly bear.
And his dad made it for him in prison.
Oh, Trish, you stole these for me?
- Do those say Oakland?
- Yeah.
- Ooh, I like these.
- Thank you.
Fuck, it feels so good to be out
doing some normal ass shit, girl.
Can I buy you a drink?
♪
[TEENA] You think I
didn't see you in there
kissing that pale-ass nigga?
Looks like you lost an earring.
[SMOOTH HIP-HOP PLAYS]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[SEAN] Oh, no, no, no, no!
This can't be happening.
Oh, this is bad.
We're at a full-scale red alert!
The mantises are loose!
Oh, what are we gonna do, Thizzly?
- What are we gonna do?
- [THIZZLY ROARS]
Mom's gonna kill me.
Oh.
[STUNNA] What the fuck is that?
- Bugs!
- [ROOMMATE] Bugs everywhere!
- [ROOMMATE] Shoot 'em!
- [ALL SHOUTING]
[FREDDY] Where are you guys?
[ALL SHOUTING]
[ROOMMATE] Oh, shit!
- It's on your face!
- [GRUNTING]
- [ROOMMATE SCREAMS]
- What is this, Bug's Life?
[ALL YELLING]
Hey, what the hell is Meatfest, anyway?
So Miles' daddy was a two-timing vegan.
And to commemorate
cutting his ass off
Right.
Rainey started Meatfest, a'ight?
Not a vegetable in the crib.
I'm talking meat only.
You feel me? You dig?
Anyway, that annual tradition
has been going on for 27 years?
[LAUGHS] Yo, this is a lot of meat.
- [FREDDY] Help me out here.
- [STUNNA] Ow! Fuck.
[ROOMMATES SCREAMING]
Yo, who's is this?
[STUNNA] Oh, shit. Oh, oh! Ooh!
[FREDDY] Wait, she's coming!
- [ROOMMATES SHOUTING]
- [EARL] Oh, hold up.
Hey, y'all, who know
where this earring is from?
- [ROOMMATE] What?
- [ROOMMATE] I don't know.
[ROOMMATE] Who cares?
Oh, this sexy-ass girl I hooked up with
last week at Luka's.
[STUNNA] Ooh, did you hit that?
[ROOMMATE] Fuck yeah, I did.
- [SHOUTING]
- Bug queen!
Hey, hey, what she look like?
- Fall back. Fall back.
- She's powering up her scorpion tail!
Light-skinned Black girl,
big curly hair, big booty.
She has a-a rose
tattoo on her shoulder.
She told me her name,
but I was hella lit.
Uh, Amber? Anika? Alexis?
Ashley. Her name is Ashley.
- [BOMB WHISTLING]
- Fuck!
[EXPLOSION]
- [LASER GUNFIRE]
- [BUGS CHITTERING]
[GAME NARRATOR] Game over.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUFFLED MUSIC]
♪
- Hey.
- [GUEST] Hi, Rainey.
What's that for?
In this house, Trish is
surrounded by white people
because of Miles and me.
So for the holidays, we decided to cap
the amount of white
people allowed at Meatfest.
This year, we're down to six.
I gotta do more to reduce
the white footprint.
You do know you're white.
I already clicked one for me.
You better click one for Darrell.
He's coming, right?
Yeah, but he's not white.
He's Chilean-something.
I'm not dating another white guy,
and I'm not going double
white in this neighborhood.
He looks white to me.
Why do you think I
call him White Darrell?
'Cause he's not Black.
I am not that reductive.
Wait, wait, Rainey,
you're dating someone new
and keeping it a secret from us?
I've had, like, two dates with the guy.
Well, if he looks white,
he reaps all the benefits
of being white, so guess what.
He's white.
And that's a fair point.
He's not white like me-white.
Well, show us a picture.
I can't because my phone
is in the Be Present basket.
No phones till after dinner.
Did y'all drop your
phones in that basket?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- All right, keep it simple.
Does he go to Blondie's
or Fat Slice for pizza?
And don't think. Just answer.
- I think Fat Slice.
- He's Black.
No, he's just not Blondie's white.
And Asians go to Blondie's.
Don't be grouping us with white people.
Yellow Peril supports Black Power.
Well, bring the Asians to Fat Slice.
No, go to Graffiti Pizza.
A Black woman owns that.
[MARTY] Don't be grouping
all us Asians together.
- I'm Taiwanese.
- Yeah.
[TOGETHER] Not to be
mistaken for mainland China.
I know, babe. [CHUCKLES]
Does Darrell use a washcloth
- or a naked bar of soap?
- [RAINEY] I don't know.
I haven't showered with him yet.
- [NANCY] Oh.
- Okay.
[LAUGHTER]
- Ashley!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[ASHLEY] Oh, fuck. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Mommy! Mommy
- [ASHLEY] No! Shh, shh.
- Shut up. Shut up.
- [TRISH GRUNTING]
Let me go, you bitch!
Okay! Okay, okay, okay.
Listen to me. It's not what you think.
You fucking ho-ass, trick-ass
No, no, no, no, no. It was
nothing. Just let me explain.
Bitch, you cheated on my
brother while he is in prison.
You his wife, Ash!
Ooh, I cannot wait to tell everyone.
- You are fucking done.
- I-I-I just
Hey, what up, y'all?
- [ALL GREETING]
- Spice King and his thang.
What's good with y'all?
[PERSON] Hope you got them hot wings.
Oh, look, baby, No Phones Be Present.
- You dig this?
- [JUNE] I love it.
Earl, I'm so glad you're here.
There's a code red
emergency. I need your help.
Trish is here already?
I have no idea. But
the bug terrarium broke.
What?
I used my mom's Amazon to
buy praying mantis eggs,
and then they all hatched.
- And then they escaped.
- Oh, shit.
Meet me in my room.
You can bring your friend.
It's not She has so much going on
What are you waiting for? Come on.
[EARL] Okay, I gotta put this meat in
[GUEST] Hey, what up, E?
Hey, hey, man, what's up?
No, I said, "Why are they bugging me?"
We didn't say nothing about no bugs.
[ASHLEY] Trish, I'ma need
you just to be quiet, okay?
And I need you to keep it between us.
Oh, do you?
Well, Earl knows
because your side meat
is his fucking roommate!
Now I'm 'bout to tell my mama.
He is not my fucking side meat! Fuck!
I just-I just need you
to give me a chance
to figure it out, okay?
I am begging you.
Fuck you, Ashley.
We trusted you.
Ma!
Fucking Christ. Just fine! Fine.
But if you tell her, I will tell Jacque
that you are in love with
her and that you tried
to sabotage Cuddie.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]
♪
[SCOFFS] Wow.
Wow! Okay.
Just leave it alone until
after Meatfest, okay?
And I will tell Rainey myself.
Trish, you're on duty.
You know what to do. White cap is six.
We're at three now, including me.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, just hungry for that meat.
[SCOFFS] Ain't that the truth.
Fuck you, you lumberjack-looking bitch.
[WHISPERING] Fuck you.
Dumbass fucking bitch.
[EARL] How could they all have escaped?
I'm seven.
Okay, how many mantises
are we talking about here?
At least ten.
But they kept on
hatching, so could be more.
My God, a whole
congregation of mantises.
Okay, Sean, we got you.
[JANELLE] I'm off to check on Sean.
This is our secret.
[JANELLE] Baby boy.
Oh, shit, what the
Oh.
Hi, Earl.
- You must be June.
- [JUNE] Mm-hmm.
I'm Janelle. It's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you.
- No Mustafa?
- [JANELLE] Uh, no.
He had to go back to Bali
to take care of his daughter.
- My fiancé.
- Oh, fiancé, not divorcée?
She said fiancé.
- Future fiancé.
- [EARL] Okay, fiancé.
We're just excited to meet your
[BOTH] Future fiancé.
Stop saying fiancé!
Sean's bugs got loose.
Now his ass is on the line.
- [SEAN] Earl!
- Oh!
You told!
Yeah, but we need all
the help we can get.
I don't know what the hell
you got bugs for, anyway.
Ashley ain't never heard of a dog?
Just find them before Mom sees.
And boom.
- Oh.
- Oh, nice.
- Now that's good
- Pace yourself.
Just remember to save room for the pig.
[SCOTTY] But he wanted
me to move to Nice,
and I said that's out of the question.
Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, hey Miss Tammy.
- [TAMMY] Hey, baby.
Oh, a teardrop earring
looks good on you, honey.
- [LAUGHS]
- [TAMMY] Thank you, sugar!
Oh, there you are.
Oh, God, you look like shit.
[ASHLEY WHIMPERS]
Oh, okay, uh
okay, what is wrong?
Uh, excuse me!
- I messed up, okay?
- Okay.
Last week, I went to
a bar and we had drinks
and there was music and dancing,
and then I kissed someone.
And it doesn't it
doesn't mean anything.
But but Trish found out,
and now she wants to tell Rainey.
Look, don't worry.
I kissed two guys today already.
It's the holidays.
- That's not the same!
- Mm.
Yo, I don't know what this
shit will do to my family.
But I have to do what's right, right?
Oh God, my heart.
Who's gonna be couple
goals for Cuddie and me now,
Steph and Ayesha?
Girl, you know I can't cook.
How are you making this
about Cuddie right now?
I mean, they were kind
of goals, you know?
[SCOTTY] Does she have any proof?
Yes, she has one of my earrings.
So what? So she has
one and you have one.
They cancel each other out,
like that time I had
a threesome with my ex.
Okay, this-this-
this isn't helping.
Wake up, bitch.
It's your word against hers.
And let's face it, she is a lot,
like Kirstie Alley on Twitter.
- Have you followed that bitch?
- [ASHLEY] No.
Honey, she has lost her damn mind.
She's always lounging in her pajamas.
Okay, so, um, what-what do
I say, that-that she's lying?
I should just tell, right?
It's my word against hers.
I don't think that's gonna be enough.
Who else knows?
[ASHLEY] Earl knows!
Well, what are you doing talking to me?
You need to go make
sure he shuts his trap.
Yeah, you-you're right. Here.
- Oh.
- Here, here, here.
Find Earl. Find Earl. Oh
And find wine. Find wine. Find wine.
Rainey, my angel.
Oh, I hate that bitch so fucking much!
[SCOTTY] Can I get some more wine?
[RAINEY] I have wine.
[WHIMPERS]
Get your own damn plate, Trish!
All right, Earl, where you at?
Earl.
[WESTERN SHOWDOWN MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[MOUTHING WORDS] Fuck you.
Trish? I'm Leah.
Sean goes to school with my son.
Ooh, that's four.
You lucky you here early.
A-actually, can you help?
I have another tray in my car.
Ugh, this This is why there's a cap.
- Where's your car at, Miss Daisy?
- It's right out front, yeah.
[EARL WHISPERING] Okay.
Oh, wait. Wait.
Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.
Okay, just-just follow
me right in here.
Oh.
- [ASHLEY] Earl.
- Oh!
I know you know, Earl.
And just when you think you
have things under control,
boom, this happens.
Things happen.
And I know you know.
And now you know I know you know.
I don't know anything.
I know who your roommate is.
- Oh!
- I fucked up.
But it's not what you think it is,
so I'ma need you to keep
it to yourself for a day.
No worries. I'm-I'm a vault.
They call me voûte suisse.
Okay?
It's French for Swiss vault.
Okay, well, this is English for "Shh!"
- Please.
- Okay.
- S'il vous plaît.
- Okay.
[BOTH LAUGHING FORCEFULLY]
[CHUCKLING] All right.
[WHISPERING] Oh, baby, my sweet.
We almost got caught. Oh.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[EXHALES]
You're cute, like a little alien.
- [TRISH] Earl.
- Oh! Oh!
Gotta get out this hallway.
I need you to come help me
tell my mom about Ashley now,
'cause a nigga needs a witness.
What? No. This is between you two.
Did Ashley get to you?
Are you really on her
side with this bullshit?
No, I'm not on any side of anything.
I'm-I'm Switzerland.
Nigga, fuck Switzerland.
Look, all I know is hearsay.
Okay, I heard nothing. I know nothing.
I saw a earring. I
seen so many earrings.
You have earrings on right now.
Why the fuck you
covering up your cup for?
You think I'ma fucking poison you?
This just how I a drink
that I've been drinking
that is a drink that I drink.
It's good etiquette at a
party to cover your drink.
Silence is violence, Earl.
Silence is violence.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Yeah.
You-you talkin' and you being vi
- Silence is motherfuckin' violence.
- [EARL] Oh, okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yep, just in the hallway drinking.
[WHISPERING] June, talk
to him. Talk to him.
Wow, where did you get those
little-little micro links?
Well, you know what? Enjoy that.
- Ah! Okay.
- Here you go.
Where'd you meet this guy?
Gilroy Garlic Festival.
[DAUNTES] White as cocaine.
[NANCY] Hey, I go there every year.
They got one hell of
a sorbet. Garlic Sherb.
Ooh, does he check out
them thick-ass mannequins
at Eastmont Mall?
I don't know. Should I take him?
Has he been to Sweet Jimmy's yet?
Now, that's a dead giveaway.
Does he know any of those
commercials off of Soul Beat?
Ask him if he knows what a chitloaf is.
You ask him when he gets here.
How am I supposed to know
all this off two dates?
- It's a loaf of chitlins.
- [LAUGHTER]
Tried to get that
commercial out of my mind,
but I can't, even after all this time.
- Mm-mm.
- Shoot, Darrell's late.
He's supposed to bring ice.
[DAUNTES] Ooh.
Not to bat against my own
team, but the brother is late.
[RAINEY] I didn't say he was Black.
I said I really, really, really, really
don't think he's white.
- Oh, he white.
- [MARTY] Mm-hmm.
- [DAUNTES CHUCKLING]
- As soy milk.
As the Ultimate Frisbee team.
St. Patrick's Day parade.
As a ayahuasca trip to Bali.
Shit, rice.
The Olsen twins.
[LAUGHTER]
[SEAN] You've got this. It's okay.
Come on, Petunia.
Come on. Come on.
It's okay. You can trust me. Come on.
Let's get you in your little home.
There you go.
[MONOPHONICS' "LA LA
LA LOVE ME" PLAYING]
[MIMICS GUN COCKING]
Locked and loaded.
We did it, Thizzly.
Just a few more to go.
♪
Whoo! I'm the mantis king!
♪
[SINGER] Sitting in the dark ♪
[CLEARING THROAT]
Nancy! Nancy. Nance.
I have a situation.
Oh, Lord. What now?
Ashley may have
stepped out on Miles with my roommate.
Now, she says it was
nothing, and I believe her.
But who cares what I believe
'cause Trish found out
and went crazy and says she
wanna go to Rainey with it.
Ashley's asked me not to say anything,
but Trish isn't having it.
They both coming for me.
And I keep saying, "Hey, I'm Swiss!
Like good cheese and chocolate."
And I got a lot of
things that I'm juggling
I'm not even telling oh!
I felt that on the other side.
I can't believe you're
putting all this on my plate
when I got all this on my plate.
I'll handle it. Don't do shit.
♪
What the fuck?
♪
She-she couldn't hear me, right?
Ah, I was using my whisper voice.
[JANELLE] Get your ass in there.
Ow! Ow!
Bitch, are you serious?
You cheated on Miles?
Who told you that?
Earl told my mama.
How the fuck you gon' tell
him before you tell me?
Oh, fuck, it's spreading.
First of all, it meant nothing.
And I didn't tell anyone. He found out.
Fuck.
Ash, you know I get it, okay?
But you gon' have to tell Rainey
before anybody else does.
Tell her I kissed another
man at fucking Meatfest,
the very festival she created to spite
a man who cheated on her?
Oh, yeah, Rainey don't play that.
- Mm.
- [KNOCKING]
Occupied!
Okay, take your time.
I'll go upstairs.
Mommy, Mommy, do you have a second?
Yes, baby. What is it?
Mom, I need to tell you some real
[NANCY] Trish, can I
talk to you for a second?
- Okay, wait, wait, one sec.
- I'll be right back.
- I just have to pee.
- Mom.
You keep that Ashley shit to yourself.
Don't tell your mama or anybody else.
Why?
Everybody deserves to know
what a scammer Ashley is.
Whatever happened to all that
ride or die loyalty bullshit
she be talking about?
I understand where you coming from.
But be honest with yourself.
Are you trying to help
Miles or just hurt Ashley?
Hmm? What are you up to?
[JENNIFER] Hey, Janelle.
Girl, shut the fuck
up. We're on a mission.
Go, go, go, hurry up, hurry up.
Hi, Trish.
Hey, girl.
I brought bone broth.
Great.
Okay, that's five whites.
- One spot to go.
- [CLICKS]
Bone broth.
[JANELLE] Now, see,
if my Mustafa was here,
he would have captured all of these
in under 30 seconds flat.
Did I mention his judo skills?
Not in the last five minutes.
When do we get to meet the
magical Mustafa, anyway?
Well, maybe you can come visit us.
[JUNE] Oh, yes, I love Bali.
You're moving back to
Bali with Prince Charming?
Shh! Shh! Dang, Earl.
It's still a secret, a'ight?
I ain't told Ash yet.
Okay, but now the vault is closed.
No more secrets.
- All right.
- Okay.
Man, this little
critter really like you.
[RAINEY] Make way! Make way.
[ALL CHEERING]
[GUEST] Wonderful.
That's a pig pig, ain't it?
Talk about high on the hog. [LAUGHING]
You know, it's a saying for a reason.
Speech, my lady, speech.
- Oh! Oh! Speech!
- [ALL CHEERING]
This Meatfest could not
have come at a better time.
I needed this so badly.
I'm so glad to have
all of you in our home.
[GUEST] Aww.
Ah, perfect timing.
Everybody, this is Darrell.
[DARRELL] I did not know
what to wear to Meatfest,
from the shoes and my fit
all the way up to the do.
I was just So I'm so sorry I'm late.
I didn't know what to do with my dog
because he gets separation anxiety.
- [ALL] Hmm.
- [DARRELL] But you would love him.
Chauncey is the world's sweetest pit.
[CROWD MUMBLING]
Luckily, my cousin Meredith,
she came over to sit with him.
But then driving over
here, I got pulled over.
[ALL MUMBLING]
Thank goodness I knew the cop.
[ALL MUTTERING]
'Cause he pulled me over last week.
- [CROWD] Ah!
- [DARRELL] So I pulled out
my "friends and family
of a cop" badge again,
and he let me go.
- [ALL CHATTERING]
- It works every time.
Okay, we have reached
audacity of the Caucacity
in the white capacity, y'all.
- [GUEST] Yes.
- [ALL MUTTERING]
- That's a shame.
- Yeah.
I know that dude, White Darrell.
That nigga hella Mexican.
[RAINEY] All right,
all right, where was I?
Well, you all have been there
for me when I needed you.
And more than that, you've been there
when I've shut my
blinds and tried to hide.
When I was too proud or scared to ask,
you have always been a constant support.
And I can trust you
to be honest with me,
even when the truth hurts.
And that, my friends, is loyalty.
You are my chosen family.
[JANELLE] Aww.
- [RAINEY] To Meatfest!
- [EARL] To Meatfest!
[ALL CHEERING]
All right, now where
do we start with this?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- You okay?
- I'm far from okay.
Mm-mm-mm.
Always the thirsty bitch.
Lap it up, poor baby dumb-dumb.
Trish, just back the fuck off.
Oh. Oh, no, no, don't talk to me.
Talk to the judge in divorce court.
Now's not the time.
Y'all need to get your
asses back in there.
Ooh, I should really whoop your ass
- right here in front of everybody.
- Calm down, Trish.
Don't fucking tell me to calm down!
- [NANCY] Excuse me?
- [JANELLE] Hey!
Oh, why is everyone in here?
Is it something I said?
Earl.
Don't look at me.
I'm-I'm Switzerland.
Oh. Huh?
You?
Earl? Janelle? Nancy? No?
None of y'all, hmm?
Okay, you know what? Fuck it.
I cannot do this shit anymore.
No more secrets.
Mommy,
Ashley done fucked around on Miles,
and everybody here knows but you.
Jacque, I am in love with you.
And I tried to break you and Cuddie up
by telling P-Lo to tell him
to wear a pirate costume.
- [SCOFFS]
- Sabotage.
Uh, I have some good news.
Um, I'm moving back to Bali.
Hold on. What?
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Go back.
Ashley, that's not true, is it?
I don't um
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. There's um no excuse.
Rainey, I just miss him so much.
[RAINEY] Are you fucking kidding me?
I-I just wanted a
bit of normal again.
I've just been having
a really hard time.
And it's not anyone else's problem,
so I just stuff it down.
But it's gotten worse,
and I-I don't feel like myself anymore.
I just I got drunk,
and some guy was being
really nice to me,
and it was so stupid.
And I'll tell Miles myself.
Just-just please, at least
let me tell him myself.
[MILES] Well, you just did.
[TRISH] Oh, shit.
My brother done broke out of jail.
I tried to call.
But there's no phones at Meatfest, so
[SEAN] Come on, Thizzly. We did it.
We got the praying mantises!
Dad!
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING]
[SEAN] I missed you.
♪
[TRISH] Fuck.
We are at white capacity.
Darrell, I will make you
a plate, but you gotta go.
- Okay.
- [CLICKS]
[SOB X RBE'S "ONNA GANG" PLAYING]
[DABOII] Shit, I'ma name
this shit "Onna Gang," nigga,
'cause, nigga, everything
I'm saying, nigga,
that's on gang, nigga.
Just cause you got ya ass a gun ♪
That don't make you a gangster ♪
Ol' badass lil boy
I'll give you a spanking ♪
I know some niggas want me dead ♪
I be keeping 'em patient ♪
Keep taking pictures
with all them hammers ♪
Ain't beating no cases ♪
Load the clips up with gloves ♪
I ain't leaving no traces ♪
I'll leave up out this Earth
before leaving a statement ♪
Fuck with us yeah, just know ♪
That you beefing with Haitians ♪
We ride around with baby
K's on a special occasion ♪
Li'l bitch, I'm a dog
but a lion at heart ♪
You know that shit
gon' come to light ♪
You can't hide in the dark ♪
And you can't get
up in this whip ♪
Catch you riding a bar ♪
And you don't
mean shit you tweet ♪
But be typing it hard ♪
And every time I hit a
bitch it be from behind ♪
When they had me in that cell ♪
I was beefing with time ♪
Nah, nigga, I don't rap
I'm just speaking my mind ♪
DaBoii for president,
bitch I'm freeing the guys ♪
Keep on talking out your neck ♪
That shit funny as fuck ♪
I'm finna pull up on your sister ♪
And bust me a nut ♪
I'm not familiar with no manners ♪
Or no home training ♪
[MANTIS] Oh, hello.
Let me catch you up with what happened
previously on Blindspotting.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]
Bitch!
- [WHISPERING]
- Earl!
I got you a present for keeping bugs in.
[MILES] Is your girlfriend
cheating on you with her new boyfriend?
[EARL] Are you gonna tell Jacque
you're in love with her?
- Don't let nobody steal your joy.
- I need to break them up.
I need to break them up.
I may have told Cuddie some
disastrous costume advice.
You a pirate, Pare. We kill pirates!
[CROWING]
I say this with love,
but y'all are hella
stubborn as a family.
You are not my sister.
Let's make that 1,000% clear.
You are my brother's fucking
luggage that he dropped off here.
Mustafa.
I want you to come back
to Bali, be my wife again.
- [KID] What the fuck is that?
- [ASHLEY] It's a Thizzly bear.
And his dad made it for him in prison.
Oh, Trish, you stole these for me?
- Do those say Oakland?
- Yeah.
- Ooh, I like these.
- Thank you.
Fuck, it feels so good to be out
doing some normal ass shit, girl.
Can I buy you a drink?
♪
[TEENA] You think I
didn't see you in there
kissing that pale-ass nigga?
Looks like you lost an earring.
[SMOOTH HIP-HOP PLAYS]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[SEAN] Oh, no, no, no, no!
This can't be happening.
Oh, this is bad.
We're at a full-scale red alert!
The mantises are loose!
Oh, what are we gonna do, Thizzly?
- What are we gonna do?
- [THIZZLY ROARS]
Mom's gonna kill me.
Oh.
[STUNNA] What the fuck is that?
- Bugs!
- [ROOMMATE] Bugs everywhere!
- [ROOMMATE] Shoot 'em!
- [ALL SHOUTING]
[FREDDY] Where are you guys?
[ALL SHOUTING]
[ROOMMATE] Oh, shit!
- It's on your face!
- [GRUNTING]
- [ROOMMATE SCREAMS]
- What is this, Bug's Life?
[ALL YELLING]
Hey, what the hell is Meatfest, anyway?
So Miles' daddy was a two-timing vegan.
And to commemorate
cutting his ass off
Right.
Rainey started Meatfest, a'ight?
Not a vegetable in the crib.
I'm talking meat only.
You feel me? You dig?
Anyway, that annual tradition
has been going on for 27 years?
[LAUGHS] Yo, this is a lot of meat.
- [FREDDY] Help me out here.
- [STUNNA] Ow! Fuck.
[ROOMMATES SCREAMING]
Yo, who's is this?
[STUNNA] Oh, shit. Oh, oh! Ooh!
[FREDDY] Wait, she's coming!
- [ROOMMATES SHOUTING]
- [EARL] Oh, hold up.
Hey, y'all, who know
where this earring is from?
- [ROOMMATE] What?
- [ROOMMATE] I don't know.
[ROOMMATE] Who cares?
Oh, this sexy-ass girl I hooked up with
last week at Luka's.
[STUNNA] Ooh, did you hit that?
[ROOMMATE] Fuck yeah, I did.
- [SHOUTING]
- Bug queen!
Hey, hey, what she look like?
- Fall back. Fall back.
- She's powering up her scorpion tail!
Light-skinned Black girl,
big curly hair, big booty.
She has a-a rose
tattoo on her shoulder.
She told me her name,
but I was hella lit.
Uh, Amber? Anika? Alexis?
Ashley. Her name is Ashley.
- [BOMB WHISTLING]
- Fuck!
[EXPLOSION]
- [LASER GUNFIRE]
- [BUGS CHITTERING]
[GAME NARRATOR] Game over.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUFFLED MUSIC]
♪
- Hey.
- [GUEST] Hi, Rainey.
What's that for?
In this house, Trish is
surrounded by white people
because of Miles and me.
So for the holidays, we decided to cap
the amount of white
people allowed at Meatfest.
This year, we're down to six.
I gotta do more to reduce
the white footprint.
You do know you're white.
I already clicked one for me.
You better click one for Darrell.
He's coming, right?
Yeah, but he's not white.
He's Chilean-something.
I'm not dating another white guy,
and I'm not going double
white in this neighborhood.
He looks white to me.
Why do you think I
call him White Darrell?
'Cause he's not Black.
I am not that reductive.
Wait, wait, Rainey,
you're dating someone new
and keeping it a secret from us?
I've had, like, two dates with the guy.
Well, if he looks white,
he reaps all the benefits
of being white, so guess what.
He's white.
And that's a fair point.
He's not white like me-white.
Well, show us a picture.
I can't because my phone
is in the Be Present basket.
No phones till after dinner.
Did y'all drop your
phones in that basket?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- All right, keep it simple.
Does he go to Blondie's
or Fat Slice for pizza?
And don't think. Just answer.
- I think Fat Slice.
- He's Black.
No, he's just not Blondie's white.
And Asians go to Blondie's.
Don't be grouping us with white people.
Yellow Peril supports Black Power.
Well, bring the Asians to Fat Slice.
No, go to Graffiti Pizza.
A Black woman owns that.
[MARTY] Don't be grouping
all us Asians together.
- I'm Taiwanese.
- Yeah.
[TOGETHER] Not to be
mistaken for mainland China.
I know, babe. [CHUCKLES]
Does Darrell use a washcloth
- or a naked bar of soap?
- [RAINEY] I don't know.
I haven't showered with him yet.
- [NANCY] Oh.
- Okay.
[LAUGHTER]
- Ashley!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[ASHLEY] Oh, fuck. No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Mommy! Mommy
- [ASHLEY] No! Shh, shh.
- Shut up. Shut up.
- [TRISH GRUNTING]
Let me go, you bitch!
Okay! Okay, okay, okay.
Listen to me. It's not what you think.
You fucking ho-ass, trick-ass
No, no, no, no, no. It was
nothing. Just let me explain.
Bitch, you cheated on my
brother while he is in prison.
You his wife, Ash!
Ooh, I cannot wait to tell everyone.
- You are fucking done.
- I-I-I just
Hey, what up, y'all?
- [ALL GREETING]
- Spice King and his thang.
What's good with y'all?
[PERSON] Hope you got them hot wings.
Oh, look, baby, No Phones Be Present.
- You dig this?
- [JUNE] I love it.
Earl, I'm so glad you're here.
There's a code red
emergency. I need your help.
Trish is here already?
I have no idea. But
the bug terrarium broke.
What?
I used my mom's Amazon to
buy praying mantis eggs,
and then they all hatched.
- And then they escaped.
- Oh, shit.
Meet me in my room.
You can bring your friend.
It's not She has so much going on
What are you waiting for? Come on.
[EARL] Okay, I gotta put this meat in
[GUEST] Hey, what up, E?
Hey, hey, man, what's up?
No, I said, "Why are they bugging me?"
We didn't say nothing about no bugs.
[ASHLEY] Trish, I'ma need
you just to be quiet, okay?
And I need you to keep it between us.
Oh, do you?
Well, Earl knows
because your side meat
is his fucking roommate!
Now I'm 'bout to tell my mama.
He is not my fucking side meat! Fuck!
I just-I just need you
to give me a chance
to figure it out, okay?
I am begging you.
Fuck you, Ashley.
We trusted you.
Ma!
Fucking Christ. Just fine! Fine.
But if you tell her, I will tell Jacque
that you are in love with
her and that you tried
to sabotage Cuddie.
[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]
♪
[SCOFFS] Wow.
Wow! Okay.
Just leave it alone until
after Meatfest, okay?
And I will tell Rainey myself.
Trish, you're on duty.
You know what to do. White cap is six.
We're at three now, including me.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, just hungry for that meat.
[SCOFFS] Ain't that the truth.
Fuck you, you lumberjack-looking bitch.
[WHISPERING] Fuck you.
Dumbass fucking bitch.
[EARL] How could they all have escaped?
I'm seven.
Okay, how many mantises
are we talking about here?
At least ten.
But they kept on
hatching, so could be more.
My God, a whole
congregation of mantises.
Okay, Sean, we got you.
[JANELLE] I'm off to check on Sean.
This is our secret.
[JANELLE] Baby boy.
Oh, shit, what the
Oh.
Hi, Earl.
- You must be June.
- [JUNE] Mm-hmm.
I'm Janelle. It's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you.
- No Mustafa?
- [JANELLE] Uh, no.
He had to go back to Bali
to take care of his daughter.
- My fiancé.
- Oh, fiancé, not divorcée?
She said fiancé.
- Future fiancé.
- [EARL] Okay, fiancé.
We're just excited to meet your
[BOTH] Future fiancé.
Stop saying fiancé!
Sean's bugs got loose.
Now his ass is on the line.
- [SEAN] Earl!
- Oh!
You told!
Yeah, but we need all
the help we can get.
I don't know what the hell
you got bugs for, anyway.
Ashley ain't never heard of a dog?
Just find them before Mom sees.
And boom.
- Oh.
- Oh, nice.
- Now that's good
- Pace yourself.
Just remember to save room for the pig.
[SCOTTY] But he wanted
me to move to Nice,
and I said that's out of the question.
Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, hey Miss Tammy.
- [TAMMY] Hey, baby.
Oh, a teardrop earring
looks good on you, honey.
- [LAUGHS]
- [TAMMY] Thank you, sugar!
Oh, there you are.
Oh, God, you look like shit.
[ASHLEY WHIMPERS]
Oh, okay, uh
okay, what is wrong?
Uh, excuse me!
- I messed up, okay?
- Okay.
Last week, I went to
a bar and we had drinks
and there was music and dancing,
and then I kissed someone.
And it doesn't it
doesn't mean anything.
But but Trish found out,
and now she wants to tell Rainey.
Look, don't worry.
I kissed two guys today already.
It's the holidays.
- That's not the same!
- Mm.
Yo, I don't know what this
shit will do to my family.
But I have to do what's right, right?
Oh God, my heart.
Who's gonna be couple
goals for Cuddie and me now,
Steph and Ayesha?
Girl, you know I can't cook.
How are you making this
about Cuddie right now?
I mean, they were kind
of goals, you know?
[SCOTTY] Does she have any proof?
Yes, she has one of my earrings.
So what? So she has
one and you have one.
They cancel each other out,
like that time I had
a threesome with my ex.
Okay, this-this-
this isn't helping.
Wake up, bitch.
It's your word against hers.
And let's face it, she is a lot,
like Kirstie Alley on Twitter.
- Have you followed that bitch?
- [ASHLEY] No.
Honey, she has lost her damn mind.
She's always lounging in her pajamas.
Okay, so, um, what-what do
I say, that-that she's lying?
I should just tell, right?
It's my word against hers.
I don't think that's gonna be enough.
Who else knows?
[ASHLEY] Earl knows!
Well, what are you doing talking to me?
You need to go make
sure he shuts his trap.
Yeah, you-you're right. Here.
- Oh.
- Here, here, here.
Find Earl. Find Earl. Oh
And find wine. Find wine. Find wine.
Rainey, my angel.
Oh, I hate that bitch so fucking much!
[SCOTTY] Can I get some more wine?
[RAINEY] I have wine.
[WHIMPERS]
Get your own damn plate, Trish!
All right, Earl, where you at?
Earl.
[WESTERN SHOWDOWN MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[MOUTHING WORDS] Fuck you.
Trish? I'm Leah.
Sean goes to school with my son.
Ooh, that's four.
You lucky you here early.
A-actually, can you help?
I have another tray in my car.
Ugh, this This is why there's a cap.
- Where's your car at, Miss Daisy?
- It's right out front, yeah.
[EARL WHISPERING] Okay.
Oh, wait. Wait.
Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.
Okay, just-just follow
me right in here.
Oh.
- [ASHLEY] Earl.
- Oh!
I know you know, Earl.
And just when you think you
have things under control,
boom, this happens.
Things happen.
And I know you know.
And now you know I know you know.
I don't know anything.
I know who your roommate is.
- Oh!
- I fucked up.
But it's not what you think it is,
so I'ma need you to keep
it to yourself for a day.
No worries. I'm-I'm a vault.
They call me voûte suisse.
Okay?
It's French for Swiss vault.
Okay, well, this is English for "Shh!"
- Please.
- Okay.
- S'il vous plaît.
- Okay.
[BOTH LAUGHING FORCEFULLY]
[CHUCKLING] All right.
[WHISPERING] Oh, baby, my sweet.
We almost got caught. Oh.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[EXHALES]
You're cute, like a little alien.
- [TRISH] Earl.
- Oh! Oh!
Gotta get out this hallway.
I need you to come help me
tell my mom about Ashley now,
'cause a nigga needs a witness.
What? No. This is between you two.
Did Ashley get to you?
Are you really on her
side with this bullshit?
No, I'm not on any side of anything.
I'm-I'm Switzerland.
Nigga, fuck Switzerland.
Look, all I know is hearsay.
Okay, I heard nothing. I know nothing.
I saw a earring. I
seen so many earrings.
You have earrings on right now.
Why the fuck you
covering up your cup for?
You think I'ma fucking poison you?
This just how I a drink
that I've been drinking
that is a drink that I drink.
It's good etiquette at a
party to cover your drink.
Silence is violence, Earl.
Silence is violence.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Yeah.
You-you talkin' and you being vi
- Silence is motherfuckin' violence.
- [EARL] Oh, okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yep, just in the hallway drinking.
[WHISPERING] June, talk
to him. Talk to him.
Wow, where did you get those
little-little micro links?
Well, you know what? Enjoy that.
- Ah! Okay.
- Here you go.
Where'd you meet this guy?
Gilroy Garlic Festival.
[DAUNTES] White as cocaine.
[NANCY] Hey, I go there every year.
They got one hell of
a sorbet. Garlic Sherb.
Ooh, does he check out
them thick-ass mannequins
at Eastmont Mall?
I don't know. Should I take him?
Has he been to Sweet Jimmy's yet?
Now, that's a dead giveaway.
Does he know any of those
commercials off of Soul Beat?
Ask him if he knows what a chitloaf is.
You ask him when he gets here.
How am I supposed to know
all this off two dates?
- It's a loaf of chitlins.
- [LAUGHTER]
Tried to get that
commercial out of my mind,
but I can't, even after all this time.
- Mm-mm.
- Shoot, Darrell's late.
He's supposed to bring ice.
[DAUNTES] Ooh.
Not to bat against my own
team, but the brother is late.
[RAINEY] I didn't say he was Black.
I said I really, really, really, really
don't think he's white.
- Oh, he white.
- [MARTY] Mm-hmm.
- [DAUNTES CHUCKLING]
- As soy milk.
As the Ultimate Frisbee team.
St. Patrick's Day parade.
As a ayahuasca trip to Bali.
Shit, rice.
The Olsen twins.
[LAUGHTER]
[SEAN] You've got this. It's okay.
Come on, Petunia.
Come on. Come on.
It's okay. You can trust me. Come on.
Let's get you in your little home.
There you go.
[MONOPHONICS' "LA LA
LA LOVE ME" PLAYING]
[MIMICS GUN COCKING]
Locked and loaded.
We did it, Thizzly.
Just a few more to go.
♪
Whoo! I'm the mantis king!
♪
[SINGER] Sitting in the dark ♪
[CLEARING THROAT]
Nancy! Nancy. Nance.
I have a situation.
Oh, Lord. What now?
Ashley may have
stepped out on Miles with my roommate.
Now, she says it was
nothing, and I believe her.
But who cares what I believe
'cause Trish found out
and went crazy and says she
wanna go to Rainey with it.
Ashley's asked me not to say anything,
but Trish isn't having it.
They both coming for me.
And I keep saying, "Hey, I'm Swiss!
Like good cheese and chocolate."
And I got a lot of
things that I'm juggling
I'm not even telling oh!
I felt that on the other side.
I can't believe you're
putting all this on my plate
when I got all this on my plate.
I'll handle it. Don't do shit.
♪
What the fuck?
♪
She-she couldn't hear me, right?
Ah, I was using my whisper voice.
[JANELLE] Get your ass in there.
Ow! Ow!
Bitch, are you serious?
You cheated on Miles?
Who told you that?
Earl told my mama.
How the fuck you gon' tell
him before you tell me?
Oh, fuck, it's spreading.
First of all, it meant nothing.
And I didn't tell anyone. He found out.
Fuck.
Ash, you know I get it, okay?
But you gon' have to tell Rainey
before anybody else does.
Tell her I kissed another
man at fucking Meatfest,
the very festival she created to spite
a man who cheated on her?
Oh, yeah, Rainey don't play that.
- Mm.
- [KNOCKING]
Occupied!
Okay, take your time.
I'll go upstairs.
Mommy, Mommy, do you have a second?
Yes, baby. What is it?
Mom, I need to tell you some real
[NANCY] Trish, can I
talk to you for a second?
- Okay, wait, wait, one sec.
- I'll be right back.
- I just have to pee.
- Mom.
You keep that Ashley shit to yourself.
Don't tell your mama or anybody else.
Why?
Everybody deserves to know
what a scammer Ashley is.
Whatever happened to all that
ride or die loyalty bullshit
she be talking about?
I understand where you coming from.
But be honest with yourself.
Are you trying to help
Miles or just hurt Ashley?
Hmm? What are you up to?
[JENNIFER] Hey, Janelle.
Girl, shut the fuck
up. We're on a mission.
Go, go, go, hurry up, hurry up.
Hi, Trish.
Hey, girl.
I brought bone broth.
Great.
Okay, that's five whites.
- One spot to go.
- [CLICKS]
Bone broth.
[JANELLE] Now, see,
if my Mustafa was here,
he would have captured all of these
in under 30 seconds flat.
Did I mention his judo skills?
Not in the last five minutes.
When do we get to meet the
magical Mustafa, anyway?
Well, maybe you can come visit us.
[JUNE] Oh, yes, I love Bali.
You're moving back to
Bali with Prince Charming?
Shh! Shh! Dang, Earl.
It's still a secret, a'ight?
I ain't told Ash yet.
Okay, but now the vault is closed.
No more secrets.
- All right.
- Okay.
Man, this little
critter really like you.
[RAINEY] Make way! Make way.
[ALL CHEERING]
[GUEST] Wonderful.
That's a pig pig, ain't it?
Talk about high on the hog. [LAUGHING]
You know, it's a saying for a reason.
Speech, my lady, speech.
- Oh! Oh! Speech!
- [ALL CHEERING]
This Meatfest could not
have come at a better time.
I needed this so badly.
I'm so glad to have
all of you in our home.
[GUEST] Aww.
Ah, perfect timing.
Everybody, this is Darrell.
[DARRELL] I did not know
what to wear to Meatfest,
from the shoes and my fit
all the way up to the do.
I was just So I'm so sorry I'm late.
I didn't know what to do with my dog
because he gets separation anxiety.
- [ALL] Hmm.
- [DARRELL] But you would love him.
Chauncey is the world's sweetest pit.
[CROWD MUMBLING]
Luckily, my cousin Meredith,
she came over to sit with him.
But then driving over
here, I got pulled over.
[ALL MUMBLING]
Thank goodness I knew the cop.
[ALL MUTTERING]
'Cause he pulled me over last week.
- [CROWD] Ah!
- [DARRELL] So I pulled out
my "friends and family
of a cop" badge again,
and he let me go.
- [ALL CHATTERING]
- It works every time.
Okay, we have reached
audacity of the Caucacity
in the white capacity, y'all.
- [GUEST] Yes.
- [ALL MUTTERING]
- That's a shame.
- Yeah.
I know that dude, White Darrell.
That nigga hella Mexican.
[RAINEY] All right,
all right, where was I?
Well, you all have been there
for me when I needed you.
And more than that, you've been there
when I've shut my
blinds and tried to hide.
When I was too proud or scared to ask,
you have always been a constant support.
And I can trust you
to be honest with me,
even when the truth hurts.
And that, my friends, is loyalty.
You are my chosen family.
[JANELLE] Aww.
- [RAINEY] To Meatfest!
- [EARL] To Meatfest!
[ALL CHEERING]
All right, now where
do we start with this?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- You okay?
- I'm far from okay.
Mm-mm-mm.
Always the thirsty bitch.
Lap it up, poor baby dumb-dumb.
Trish, just back the fuck off.
Oh. Oh, no, no, don't talk to me.
Talk to the judge in divorce court.
Now's not the time.
Y'all need to get your
asses back in there.
Ooh, I should really whoop your ass
- right here in front of everybody.
- Calm down, Trish.
Don't fucking tell me to calm down!
- [NANCY] Excuse me?
- [JANELLE] Hey!
Oh, why is everyone in here?
Is it something I said?
Earl.
Don't look at me.
I'm-I'm Switzerland.
Oh. Huh?
You?
Earl? Janelle? Nancy? No?
None of y'all, hmm?
Okay, you know what? Fuck it.
I cannot do this shit anymore.
No more secrets.
Mommy,
Ashley done fucked around on Miles,
and everybody here knows but you.
Jacque, I am in love with you.
And I tried to break you and Cuddie up
by telling P-Lo to tell him
to wear a pirate costume.
- [SCOFFS]
- Sabotage.
Uh, I have some good news.
Um, I'm moving back to Bali.
Hold on. What?
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Go back.
Ashley, that's not true, is it?
I don't um
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. There's um no excuse.
Rainey, I just miss him so much.
[RAINEY] Are you fucking kidding me?
I-I just wanted a
bit of normal again.
I've just been having
a really hard time.
And it's not anyone else's problem,
so I just stuff it down.
But it's gotten worse,
and I-I don't feel like myself anymore.
I just I got drunk,
and some guy was being
really nice to me,
and it was so stupid.
And I'll tell Miles myself.
Just-just please, at least
let me tell him myself.
[MILES] Well, you just did.
[TRISH] Oh, shit.
My brother done broke out of jail.
I tried to call.
But there's no phones at Meatfest, so
[SEAN] Come on, Thizzly. We did it.
We got the praying mantises!
Dad!
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING]
[SEAN] I missed you.
♪
[TRISH] Fuck.
We are at white capacity.
Darrell, I will make you
a plate, but you gotta go.
- Okay.
- [CLICKS]
[SOB X RBE'S "ONNA GANG" PLAYING]
[DABOII] Shit, I'ma name
this shit "Onna Gang," nigga,
'cause, nigga, everything
I'm saying, nigga,
that's on gang, nigga.
Just cause you got ya ass a gun ♪
That don't make you a gangster ♪
Ol' badass lil boy
I'll give you a spanking ♪
I know some niggas want me dead ♪
I be keeping 'em patient ♪
Keep taking pictures
with all them hammers ♪
Ain't beating no cases ♪
Load the clips up with gloves ♪
I ain't leaving no traces ♪
I'll leave up out this Earth
before leaving a statement ♪
Fuck with us yeah, just know ♪
That you beefing with Haitians ♪
We ride around with baby
K's on a special occasion ♪
Li'l bitch, I'm a dog
but a lion at heart ♪
You know that shit
gon' come to light ♪
You can't hide in the dark ♪
And you can't get
up in this whip ♪
Catch you riding a bar ♪
And you don't
mean shit you tweet ♪
But be typing it hard ♪
And every time I hit a
bitch it be from behind ♪
When they had me in that cell ♪
I was beefing with time ♪
Nah, nigga, I don't rap
I'm just speaking my mind ♪
DaBoii for president,
bitch I'm freeing the guys ♪
Keep on talking out your neck ♪
That shit funny as fuck ♪
I'm finna pull up on your sister ♪
And bust me a nut ♪
I'm not familiar with no manners ♪
Or no home training ♪