Bojack Horseman (2014) s02e07 Episode Script

Thank you, Billy Crystal, for that impression of a black person.
- I'm Scott Wolf.
- And I'm Matthew Fox.
We may be a group of five on TV, but any of these next nominees would be welcome to join our party any day.
The nominees for Male Animal in a Comedy, Drama or Variety Show are: BoJack Horseman, Horsin' Around.
Now that's what I call horsin' around.
Uh Yeah.
Mr.
Peanutbutter, Mr.
Peanutbutter's House.
Now that's what I call doggin' around.
And finally, my personal favorite, Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After Dark! Oh, boy, get it off, get it off.
Hiya! And the animals' choice is Hank Hippopopalous, Hank After Dark! Oh, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
It's because we're on a show called Party of Five.
Get it? Hey, buddy, pass me that bottle of vodka? - That's not really how this works.
- It's open bar, don't be a dick.
- BoJack Horseman? - Do I know you? This is my better half, Katrina Peanutbutter.
- Katrina, BoJack.
- I don't watch TV.
Can I get another drink now or will that quote, unquote "embarrass" you? - Uh, uh, no, I would never be - Erica! Throw me a raft.
I'm dying.
My friends told me to get a prenup, but I was like, "Hey, marriage lasts forever.
" Listen, I'm doing my own thing here.
Can you believe two guys like us were even in the same category as Hank Hippopopalous? That's Uncle Hanky.
Listen, Peanutbottle, there is no "guys like us.
" I'm BoJack Horseman.
You're just some other guy I'll probably never talk to again.
Hey, boys.
What is this, a crossover episode? That is the funniest thing I have ever heard.
Uncle Hanky.
Sir, I am your biggest fan.
I used to watch Hank Hippopopalous's Dance-Pop Cosmopolis every day after school.
- Hey, can I get a picture with you? - Of course, kid.
Here, let me advance this.
And we probably got it.
And we'll find out in four to six weeks.
Yeah, I can't wait.
Okay, I gotta go.
My wife's hand just disappeared into that busboy's pants.
Treasure? Sweetheart? We're in public.
Hey, kid, listen.
Don't beat yourself up too bad.
I've seen your show.
You're really funny.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
But I'm Uncle Hanky.
You can't beat Uncle Hanky.
That's just the way it is.
Oh.
This suit needs more flasks.
- Diane! - Aah! Will you bring me one of those big Toblerone bars? Well, sure.
But, you know, I won't be out there for another month.
Yes, I know, but I always forget to write these things down.
Tell me, how's your little movie? Actually one of the stars just died.
It's really sad.
Oh, really? One person died? Just one? Yeah, well, that's a real tragedy.
Meanwhile, Diane, here in Cordovia, I'm stitching children's arms back on.
Oh, that's backwards, isn't it? Are you giving me a thumb's up or a thumb's down? I can't tell.
Well, now the production's on hiatus so BoJack and I are going on a book tour to promote the new paperback edition of One Trick Pony.
Please get here soon, Diane.
The people of Cordovia need you and I need that Toblerone.
Okay, listen, you big dummy.
You need to be on your best behavior for this tour.
Don't do that BoJack thing where you go off-script and get a lot of people mad at you.
What? I don't do that.
You're a movie star now.
Any bad press you get can hurt Secretariat.
Now boarding, Flight 422 to Juneau.
Please.
We're going to Alaska.
How am I gonna offend a bunch of inbred Eskimo blubber-munchers? You're right.
What was I thinking? The Republic of Cordovia's Prince Gustav visiting Los Angeles this week while his country rests on the brink of civil war.
Prince Gustav is a ruthless despot, but I'd still rather share a bed with him than my ex-wife.
Shannon, I didn't mean that.
Listen.
With Hey, I Think You Can Dance as a lead-in, we are expecting big things for Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out, or H.
S.
A.
C.
W.
D.
T.
K.
D.
T.
K.
T.
L.
F.
O.
for short.
- Mm.
- Why don't we get Hank in here? You guys can get some pictures together.
Hank is coming here? That old guy from Hey, I Think You Can Dance? - What's the big deal? - You don't understand.
When I was a kid, this guy was the guy.
I even bought his novelty rap album, The Hank Hippopopalous Hip-Hop Hypothesis.
You shouldn't meet your hero on an empty stomach.
- Want me to go get you some chili? - Good call.
Chili is nature's chillaxative.
Hiya, folks! Howdy! - Hank Hippopopalous.
- Oh, we've met.
Oh, oh, yeah.
I remember that.
Okay, so, I thought for the ad, you guys could stand back to back.
And then on the billboard it'll say: "Hank and Mr.
Peanutbutter are back to back.
Thursdays on MBN.
" So, what should I do with my arms? Like akimbo? - You're fine.
- Reverse akimbo? - No, that - King Tut? Mashed Potato? Windmill? Uh-oh, I'm windmilling.
Got a momentum going.
- Can't stop windmilling now.
- Hey, hey.
Why don't we just do what feels natural? Guys like us? We're pros.
"Guys like us"? You think I'm a guy like us? Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life.
Excuse me, would you get a picture of us? Yeah, that's kind of the idea.
Now we open the floor to questions from the audience.
BoJack, your book talked a lot about how much you love apple fritters.
Yeah, thanks for that, Diane.
So, my question is: Do you think Israel has a right to defend herself? - Uh - And what part should the U.
S.
play as an ally? Well, the thing about that Uh It's a shame that Arafat walked away from the table in 2000.
I mean, obviously there's no panacea, but a two-state solution with an emphasis on human rights feels like a place to begin.
- Brilliant insight.
- Very good.
- My question is for Diane Nyu Nyu - Oh.
- Nyu - You won't get it.
Ask the question.
Your book went to some revealing places.
Were you worried at all that it would hurt BoJack or his career? That's a great question.
I'd also like to know the answer to that, Diane.
Well, I think the truth is worth pursuing, no matter what.
BoJack's not perfect.
There are other celebrities who have done much worse things and it hasn't hurt their careers.
- Like who? - I don't know, like Mike Tyson or Sean Penn, or Josh Brolin, or Christian Slater, Woody Allen, Hank Hippopopalous, Bill Murray Wait, wait, what about Hank Hippopopalous? Well, all of his former assistants have made the same allegations.
- I feel like we're getting off track.
- Do you not know that? Any questions about me, the handsome, famous horse with a book? What do you have against Uncle Hanky? I'm not saying anything not on the public record.
You can just Google "Hank Hippopopalous allegations" and I Oh, you don't have to Google it right now.
Dear God.
Stanky Hanky? Allegations vile and ranky.
But first, the visiting Cordovian Prince Gustav went missing briefly this afternoon, but he was quickly found buying chili in Beverly Hills.
His official statement was, "Uh, yeah, I'm the Prince of Cordovia.
Hooray, being a prince.
" Our main story, ominous and anomalous accusations against Hank Hippopopalous.
Who is this anonymous Diane Nguyen and what does she have against our beloved hippopotamus? Joining me now is Hippopopalous apologist and armchair sociologist, Cardigan Burke.
Cardigan, what are these allegations? These allegations are so crazy, I can't even say them on TV or I'll sound like a crazy person.
What I want to know is why we're letting a national treasure face the same kind of smear tactics used by the Viet Cong.
Are you calling attention to the fact that Ms.
Nguyen is Vietnamese? I'd like to think that's a coincidence.
You gotta see this set they're building! There's a giant replica of my head, and every episode, the eyes light up with dollar signs, confetti shoots out of the ears, then I somersault out the mouth.
We're bringing class back to primetime.
- Sounds amazing.
- And I'm really getting along with J.
D.
Salinger.
- Did you know we both hate phonies? - I did know that.
So listen.
Some website called "Tit Puncher" is saying you said some stuff about Hank Hippopopalous.
Oh, my God, Mr.
Peanutbutter, I didn't mean for that to happen.
Hey, do me a favor.
Please don't make a big thing out of this.
It's really not a good time, you know, with my show about to launch.
- Hey, we are on the same page.
- Oh, are you also on "Tit Puncher"? Because you should not read the comments.
Believe me, nothing would make me happier than for this to just go away.
- Great.
I love you, too.
- Hello.
- Oh, my God! - Is chili you ask for.
I am peasant boy Todd from village.
Friend of Peanut Man, and lover of federated American states.
No reason for suspicions.
Come on! Wait a second, something's different.
I am digging this new cologne! You smell like a fancy cabbage.
Is so great to be in meager trash city Los Angeles with no pressures of royal life.
What? Royal life? Why I'm saying? I am no royal.
Look at me.
Normals.
There's that classic self-deprecating Todd wit.
I'd know it anywhere.
- We will now begin our Q and A.
- Fire when ready.
What you got against Uncle Hanky, you uppity cooze? Diane, I believe this question is for you.
If anyone here has any questions about the book, I'd be happy to answer those.
As would I, BoJack Horseman, Golden-Globe winning star of the book.
If Hank did anything wrong, they wouldn't let him on TV, right? I'm really not here to talk about that.
You women are all the same.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, you make these broad accusations to get attention for yourself, and when you don't have proof to back it up, you just slink away.
I'm not slinking away.
I just wanted to say one thing about me.
I text and drive like all the time.
What? Isn't that what happened with all those assistants? They took his money, and they don't even care they could be ruining a man's life.
What? They ruined his life? - You should probably just drop this.
- Oh, I'm gonna drop it, all right.
They don't even know how much I'm gonna drop it.
The way you said that made it sound like you won't drop it.
How dare you spread a narrative that Don't tell me what to spread.
I'll spread whatever I want.
It's called one of the amendments.
Ladies, please! Don't get hysterical! - This is completely - Yeah, hi.
I'm Diane's friend, BoJack.
I came with her.
I gotta say I'm opposed to child labor, like as a rule, but there are some kinds of labor that children are just better at.
You ever try to fit into a mine shaft? That is a tight squeeze.
What? Oh, man, probably gonna get some letters about that, huh? I'm so incorrigible.
Everyone's paying attention to me now! Okay, I'm gonna go get a snack.
Anyone else want a snack? No? That's a no? On the snacks? Okay.
What do you have against Hank Hippopopalous? Everyone says he's a really nice guy.
Good point.
That's exactly the problem.
Because he's so nice, people don't wanna think he's capable of awful things so they let him off the hook.
We don't know what happened.
It's a classic "he said, she said.
" "He said, they said.
" It's eight different women.
- Are they all lying? - I mean, probably.
We do that.
At this point, we just don't know enough to judge.
Who are these women? Have they ever shoplifted perhaps? Do they wear short shorts? Do they drink alcohol? All these things are possible.
We don't know the facts.
See, this is part of the problem.
You're supposed to be a journalist.
You won't even tell your audience what he's accused of.
You're an expert.
Why don't you tell us? I'm not afraid to say it.
Eight different women, all former assistants, claim that Uncle Hanky took them to a What is Diane doing? I know.
It's supposed to be my book tour and she's upstaging me.
Like how it was supposed to be my book.
Actually, this might be a thing she does.
She knows that Hippopopalous is the only thing keeping my network afloat, right? The same network that employs her husband.
Why would she do this? Sometimes she just whips herself into a frenzy and she loses all perspective.
Goddamn it, honeydew?! Jesus, why does cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party, it can bring along its dumb friend honeydew? You don't get a plus-one, cantaloupe! You need to talk to her.
Huh.
Wanda, I just got back from a set visit on Contemporary Family.
It's a disaster! - What? - The kids have gone through puberty.
They are rubbing themselves on everything.
If it isn't one thing, it's ano Just get a hose! Aha! I went to house to pick up mail for you like real American Johnny.
- Hey, man.
- Whoa! You know it's a federal crime to go through someone else's mail? I do not know your customs, for I am dirt-poor servant child.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Now walk me through that mail.
Death threat for wife, death threat for wife, once more death threat, and here many monies off for Bed Bath Beyond.
Seems like great U.
S.
A.
dream castle! Good Lord, that's graphic.
How would she even fit one of those in there? Some sort of funnel.
Oh, I see, there's actually an illustration.
Excuse, Dog Dog Peanut Man? This wife, she poke bear, yes? Yeah, I guess she kind of did.
They have a saying where I am from, which is here.
Bear not like to be poke.
- Bear get angry - Right.
and destroy peasant rebel army with fist of fire of which make many, many nightmares to children and men! Todd, I can always count on you to give me the straight dope.
Please don't ever change.
Okay, just kill the whole feature.
Replace it with Oh, I don't know.
What's Gwyneth doing for Purim? Diane? I want you to meet Amanda Hannity, editor-in-chief here at Manatee Fair.
The pleasure's yours.
Walk with me, squawk with me.
That woman can knock a drink back like a Kennedy at a wake for another Kennedy, but damn if she doesn't get shit done.
No.
Yes.
Turtleneck.
You're fired.
Um, okay, I wanted to pitch you an exposé on Hank Hippopopalous.
I would love to take down Hippopopalous and finally topple the acropolis of monstrous hypocrisy that ensconces us.
Hey, wouldn't your readers prefer something more relevant? Like, uh, what to do with all those extra buttons that come with your shirts.
Amanda, I am so glad you're throwing your weight behind this.
- Oh, I didn't mean - That dress is hideous.
Go home, burn it and come back.
When we know what we know about a monster like that and we still put him on TV every week, we're teaching a generation of young boys and girls that a man's reputation is more important than the lives of the women he's ruined.
Yes, exactly! I feel like I've been alone in a crazy alternate universe these last few days.
Well, you know I got your back, right? We women have got to stick to Hey, fruit plate.
No, people don't want articles about that.
People want life-hacks.
Diane, you need to be strong.
Everyone is gunning for you.
You're a woman talking out of turn about a man.
We're not supposed to have opinions.
We're supposed to smile and look pretty.
No, this model doesn't look as pretty as the other one.
Can we kill it? Scarves, not just for necks anymo We need to sit you down with someone who's willing to go on the record.
I already reached out to all eight of Hank's former assistants.
Nothing.
- What about his current assistant? - You think she'd talk? I don't know.
What do you think, answering machine? Hi, my name's Nicole.
I work for Mr.
Hippopopalous and, um I really need to talk to someone.
Are you kidding me? With this honeydew right now? Ugh! - Nicole? - Mm-hm.
Hello, Diane.
Thank you, Nicole.
Prince Gustav today startled the international community when he gave his royal fortune to charity.
What? Oh, no! And fired his chief advisor, who can be seen in this file photo looking vaguely suspicious.
Oh, you idiot! No! Big reforms which could lead to sweeping change in the embattled region, or a precipitous economic collapse.
But back to our main story, what is Diane's problem? I'll say it once, for your article.
I didn't do any of those things that you're accusing me of.
I wanna be very clear.
I'm not meeting you here because I'm scared of you.
This is me doing you a favor.
- I think you are scared of me.
- I'm not a bad guy, Diane, and I truly do believe that.
Twenty-four hours from now, the news cycle will move on to something else.
I'll go back to hosting my dance show, which employs hundreds of nice, good, hardworking people.
You, on the other hand, are pretty much done.
People love me and they're not gonna forgive you for this.
- This isn't about me.
- If you keep pushing this, you're gonna drag down the people close to you.
Look, you had your fun.
So, why don't you call it a day and go home to your husband? I know who you are.
Sweetheart, everyone knows who I am.
I'm Hank Hippopopalous.
Who the hell are you? - So, you got nothing.
- I'm not giving up.
There's gotta be someone who will talk.
Oh, listen.
I had a conversation with my bosses at AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico- Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet- Toyota-Trader Joe's, and we agreed these kind of stories, they don't sell magazines.
- Are you seriously killing this? - It's just not a good time.
So, this has nothing to do with the fact that AOL-Time Warner-Pepsico- Viacom-Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota- Trader Joe's also owns MBN, and is currently profiting off of Hank Hippopopalous's good reputation? I know you're upset.
Would you like a Joe-Joe? It's just like an Oreo, but Trader Joe's style.
No, I don't want a Joe-Joe.
Because you're mad at me, right? Not because Joe-Joes taste like garbage? So, help me to understand Dog friend's program is to find what celebrities know? - Yep.
- So, is torture? We don't torture people in America, Todd.
That's called one of the amendments.
No, of course.
In America, you do not know to suffer.
You eat your cheesy pizza, you drink your Ade of gator.
This life is nice for visit but no way for live.
I go now.
Back to palace! Sounds great, Todd.
See you tomorrow.
So, they hated the skorts idea, huh? No, I didn't pitch your skorts idea.
Hey, Diane! Why don't you shut your stupid ugly face?! Don't you talk to her like that! Yeah, don't listen to that guy, Diane.
I say you should shut your stupid pretty face.
- This is not over.
When people hear what - Give it a rest.
It's over.
You lost.
- How could you say that? - What are you doing here? I mean, what is your endgame in all of this? You don't actually believe Hank's innocent, do you? Of course not, but that doesn't matter.
You're not gonna beat this guy.
I - What? - Todd? BoJack! Thank God you found me.
I thought I would never see you again.
- We're in the middle of something.
- I got mixed up in some bad stuff and a genocide may or may not have been perpetrated in my name.
Maybe you heard about it on the news? No, most of the news has been about Diane and Hank Hippopopalous.
What? Why? This is really serious.
Oh, of course your thing is serious and my thing is just a dumb feminist trying to get attention by attacking a famous man, is that it? Uh, what? No.
- Eat shit, Diane! - You eat shit! Diane, obviously Todd doesn't know what you're talking about.
He spent the last few days at Burning Man or whatever getting high.
No! That's not what happened at all.
A stranger just told me to eat shit.
I don't understand why you can't be on my side about this.
I am on your side.
And I'm telling you you're not gonna win this thing.
Also, P.
S.
, when have you ever been on my side? - I am always on your side.
- Really? Like when you wrote that book? Was that you being on my side? You're not still mad about the book.
You manipulated me and completely took advantage of Guys? There is a very fragile alliance between the Cords and the Ovians.
If we don't do something - Todd, nobody cares.
- Nobody cares, Todd.
Everything I did was to help you tell the story I knew you wanted to tell.
You got everything you wanted because of that book.
You were a joke, now people take you seriously.
You were out of work, now you got your dream role.
Okay, yes.
All of that is true.
But also, you were my friend and you hurt my feelings.
And it's weird that you never apologized for that and that you still won't.
Well I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
- Are you? - Yes, actually.
I am.
I didn't want to do that and I probably could have handled things better.
I definitely should have.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
But this is bigger than you and me.
And I need you in my corner now because I don't have anybody else.
Well, okay.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm in your corner.
Guys, earlier, some general asked me if it was "a go" on "that thing we talked about"? And I said, "Yes.
" And he said, "God help us all" and left the room.
Now I'm not sure that was the right answer.
So, then I called Wayne to see if I could write a story for Buzzfeed.
Here's the good news: They'll publish anything.
Hey, um Can I talk to you? Yeah, of course.
What's up? I asked you, really nicely, not to make a big thing out of this.
- Yeah, I know, but someone - Had to say something, right? And that someone had to be you? Because why? I really don't get it.
What is accomplished by you being the one to take a stand on this? Uh Mr.
Peanutbutter This game show is a really big deal for me.
And I know that sounds stupid to you, and small.
But I need this to go well, and I can't Those are death threats.
People want to murder my wife because of what she's saying on the news about something that she has nothing to do with.
"You can't.
You stupid, ugly can't.
" - Yeah, that doesn't say "can't.
" - Oh.
God, you know, you'd almost be safer in Cordovia.
Yeah, maybe I should go to Cordovia.
I'm obviously not making a difference here.
Actually, maybe you should.
Go feel good about yourself and do your important work.
And maybe some space might be good for us.
You don't really want me to go, do you? Why does it suddenly matter what I want? Flight 57, Cordovian Airlines, now boarding.
Hank, I have to ask, did you do it? No, I did not.
Well, that's good enough for me.
Coming up, Kanye West claims to hate Thin Mints.
Our panel is outraged.
Hating Thin Mints? Is he legally insane? You can bet we'll get into this further in the next hour.
This is the only thing I care about now.
Hey.
Smile.
Boxer versus raptor.
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na.