Brickleberry s02e07 Episode Script

I'm honored to introduce the woman who's been an inspiration of mine for years.
She's shown the women of this state that if we put our minds to it, anything is possible.
A female Governor? Ewe, yuck! Am I the only one who hates women? Huh? Ladies and gentlemen, the current and future Governor, Nina Melcher! Good morning, Brickleberry.
It's such an honor to speak to Boo! I'm here to see the Governor, not his frumpy housekeeper! Woody! What the hell is your problem? Shh! He drank his breakfast.
Let's see where this goes.
I'll tell you what my problem is! I don't want some uppity she-Governor telling me what to do! I'm here to lodge an intelligent protest! Show your tits! Show your tits! Show your tits! I was talking to her, you idiot! Hey, Steve, you got nice tits.
Sir, is there something you would like to say to me? Yes, Governor "Felcher," there is! For 700 proud years, this country was run by men! All courage, attitude, and big, swinging sausage.
But then "women" got put in charge.
What's next? Making the tampon the official state bird? Or Maxi Pads.
They have wings.
I suggest that you be quiet and show a little respect, or you'll regret it.
Run for cover, everybody! She's having a hot flash! Shut your sexist mouth! Oh, what's she gonna do? What the hell? "The Woody Johnson is a sexist asshole memorial highway"? No! No! No! Brickleberry! Brickleberry! She built a goddamn highway through my park! Well, maybe next time, you'll think twice about picking a fight with the Governor.
She's a pit bull.
Well, you're just lucky that I can't think of a derogatory term for "female dog".
- I've got one Connie.
- Oh.
If you want that highway gone, you should apologize to the Governor.
I will never apologize to a woman! And if that bothers you, Ethel, well, I apologize.
But you just apologized.
Oh, don't trap me with your goopy vagina logic! Jesus, Woody, what did your mother do to you? My mother was a Saint.
I'm so proud of you, son.
Happy eighth birthday.
Now, screw this hooker so you don't turn into a queer.
And that's how Woody met his first wife.
Good morning, Rangers.
"Go back to Africa, negro".
- Woody! - What? I was just reading his shirt.
Some rednecks gave it to me.
They're outside, recruiting for their militia.
But why are you wearing it? I don't give a shit what it say.
It's a free T-shirt.
I like it.
Does it come in Puerto Rican? Oh, crap.
Now we got a militia to deal with? This is not my week.
Steve, go take care of it! Where the hell is Steve? Um help? Ah, screw Steve.
Connie, go take care of it! Uh, is this the militia meeting? - I was sent here to - Yeah! You wanna join? - BoDean, what the hell? - What? We need members, Bobby.
We're anti-gay, remember? She's a gay.
Yeah, Bobby, I remember, but she looks strong and nobody else will join.
Not even your crazy brother or your crippled sister or your dirty whore Aunt who tried to bite my peter off.
Good point.
Okay, I got an announcement to make.
You can join.
We are now pro-gay.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Nobody ever asked me to join a club before.
And here's your free T-shirt.
Yay! Free T-shirt! How's the soup? - What? - Soup! - Poop? - No! Soup! I know! I'm saying your soup tastes like shit.
Ow! Oh! Oh! Damn it! You sure you don't want to apologize? Never! We are gonna make the best of this! Where the [Bleep.]
did that come from? - And who the hell are you? - Man, I'm glad you're open.
This is the first rest stop for miles.
I gotta squeak a leak out of my crotch beak.
What the hell? Hey, are you the manager? I think I broke your shitter.
But don't worry.
People are still using it.
Blegh! - What the - You said, "make the best of it".
That's it! I can't take it anymore! Aabheer, your shift's starting early.
Jackpot.
I think it's great that you're apologizing.
It shows your sensitive side.
Hey, what kind of flowers are those? Pansies? No, they're a bouquet of shut-the-[Bleep.]
-upsies.
I'll do anything to get that highway out of my park.
Wow! Nice mansion! Why don't we live in a place like this? Oh, right! Because that lady Governor is more of a man than you are.
Hello, Governor.
Oh, it's you.
Make it fast, Johnson.
I'm late for a very important speech.
This will only take a second.
I just wanted to say I'm s-s-s-s-s-s Such a pussy.
I'm sor eeh-uh! I'm sorry that you felt threatened by my manhood and got all weepy when I told the truth! - There.
- That's your apology? Plus these.
He ate most of the candy on the way here.
And judging by your ass, I did you a favor.
Kidding.
Your ass isn't that, well It's pretty big, but, hey, I'd still do you with the lights off.
So, friends again? I can promise you one thing, Mr.
Johnson.
As long as I'm Governor of this state, that highway won't move an inch! What? You can't do this to me, you dirty c Now, if you'll excuse me.
So, the truck stop stays.
All right.
I gotta get home and patch up some glory holes.
Not so fast! I ain't done yet.
Step aside, lady! I got my own announcement to make.
I, Woodrow Wayland Johnson, am running for Governor! Any questions? Yes, the lady dressed in black.
Why are you announcing this at my son's funeral? Uh oh, Fox news just said that gay terrorists are trying to replace our guns with abortions.
That's why Woody needs to be Governor.
Just make that donation check out to Malloy.
Hey, guys! It's Steve! I've been trapped for days in the middle of the highway! Please send All right, team Woody! How much money have we raised? $30,000.
Boom! Oops, sorry.
Negative $30,000.
What? There's the printing, the radio spots, uh, and that dolphin for your inauguration.
It was an impulse buy, but I don't regret it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You've got a lot of nerve, wearing that in my campaign office.
It's not your campaign office, Woody.
It's the ranger station.
- Burn in hell, Jew.
- What? Oh, more free militia T-shirts, Denzel? No, I got this at the gap.
Look, Woody, you don't stand a chance.
Governor Melcher cut unemployment, she balanced the budget, and won a Congressional Medal of Honor.
You're a racist, misogynistic war criminal! Well, when you say it with that negative tone, it sounds bad, yeah.
- Ugh! - Woody, here's the deal.
I need you to win so I can live in the Governor's mansion.
I'm running against a woman.
Of course I'm going to win.
You're trailing in the polls by 99%! We need to do something drastic.
You're right! We should buy another dolphin! No! Let's blackmail this woman.
Ooh, that's smart.
Get some dirt on her, hold it over her head.
No.
I said, "black male," I.
E.
, you.
- You're gonna make a sex tape with her.
- Yeah, then we can whack off to it.
No, we will send it to the press.
You do it your way, I'll do it mine.
I do love sex and electronics.
But how old is she? - Don't worry.
She's old.
- Hey, did you hear that, Dick? You excited? Looks like you are! Aah! Aah-aah-aah-aah! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh! Damn it! BoDean, I'm not asking you to suck it.
Just hold it in your mouth.
- Welcome, member! - Guys, I got great news.
I brought a new recruit! He's my life Coach.
Hola.
No, no, no! No Mexicans! We are definitely anti-Mexican! But he brought Chimichangas! - These are real good, Bobby.
- Okay, fine! You can join.
Gracias, amigo.
That's "burrito Christmas" in Mexican.
Hey, hey, sexy Governor.
Oh, I'm not the Governor.
That's the Governor.
Www-w-what? I've got some bad news for you, Dick.
How far are you going, friend? Across the street.
Cool.
I'll take you there.
Say, do you mind if we make a quick stop by my parents' house? Aah! Crazy weather we've had lately, huh? - Where'd you say you were going? - Uh, across the street.
Cool! That's on the way to my sister's house.
Governor Melcher has dropped out of the race after the release of a sex tape with a black male.
Damn, your breasts are so firm and perky.
Oh, thank you.
That wasn't no compliment! - Denzel, how could you? - Whew! It wasn't easy.
I had to close my eyes and think about Queen Elizabeth scissoring Barbara Bush.
Damn it, Woody! This is low, even for you.
You want to see low, Ethel? Wait till I'm Governor.
You'll be lucky to go outside without a goddamn burqa! There's no way I'm letting you run unopposed.
Well, who's going to challenge me? I would like to announce my candidacy for Governor! Why won't you people leave our family alone? I'm the Governor, look at me! Everybody loves me, I'm the Governor! I'm the Governor, I'm the Governor! I'm the Governor! I'm the Governor! Can you please shut up? I'm trying to pick out a 90-inch TV for the Governor's mansion.
Whoa, Malloy.
Do you really think you're going to live in the Governor's mansion with me? - Do you? - What do you mean? I'm sorry, little buddy, but governors don't live with bears.
You backstabbing turncoat.
I made you.
Malloy, we'll just have to keep our relationship on the down low, that's all.
Everybody already thinks it's weird.
Weird? Lincoln sucked off a kangaroo.
Read a history book.
And so, if you want a state where all races live in peace and harmony without war, rich people, or red meat, and the only violent acts committed are against unborn babies, you should vote for me.
That's great, Ethel.
Connie, come on.
You're supposed to pretend to be Woody.
Oh, sorry, that's right.
Argh! I'm Woody! Connie, you stupid [Bleep.]
! Go get rid of that militia! No, Woody.
They're my friends.
Shut the hell up, Connie! Everybody hates you! All that running and crying, you'd think she'd be thinner.
Ethel! How are you? - What do you want? - Just thinking.
I could see us actually becoming pretty good friends.
You know, when you're Governor and we're both living at the Governor's mansion.
You want to move into the Governor's mansion with me? Think of all the late nights we'd spend in our PJs, binging on Haagen-dazs, rubbing our beavs to Ryan Gosling.
You do realize that there's absolutely no way I'd ever live with you, ever.
You've been trying to ruin my life ever since I got here.
Girl, you so crazy.
It was all in fun.
The answer is hell no.
The streets will run red with your blood.
So, when they said Pluto was no longer a planet, well, that really ticked me off! Am I crazy? Not from where I'm sitting.
You know who else likes Pluto? My sister.
Guess what, big brother.
What, little sister? Pluto's not even a planet anymore.
Shut your lying mouth, you bitch! Sorry.
Sibling rivalry.
Oh! She she seems nice.
God damn it! Wow, you guys.
What a great militia meeting, right? Look at all these new members.
Yeah, yeah.
Shut your face and pass the militia mac and cheese.
Who the hell invited this guy? We are definitely anti anti uh What the hell are you, anyway? I have no idea! This is awesome, Bobby.
Our membership is at an all-time high.
And isn't having a multicultural militia so much nicer? Yeah, I guess so, but don't militias need to make some sort of statement? Yes, you do.
First of all, militias don't have picnics.
Well, what do militias do? Violent acts.
How do you not know this? You guys look more like the Ellis Island Book Club.
Malloy, what are you doing? Quiet, militia Etheridge.
Let the talking bear finish talking.
If you want to be a real militia, you need to stand up and do something big, something destructive, something that puts you in the history books.
Like that guy who invented the double-donged dildo! Can he not talk? It's time to make a statement the world will hear! - Hell yeah! Count us in! - Yes! It's time we started acting like a real [Bleep.]
militia! Our children's test scores have been dropping at an alarming rate.
What is your plan, Mr.
Johnson? Listen, chuckles.
I'll be asking the questions around here.
Uh, no, you won't.
He's the moderator.
Not anymore.
I'm the moderator now.
I'm the moderator, look at me! Everybody loves me, I'm the moderator! I'm the moderator, I'm the moderator! I'm the moderator! I'm the moderator! Let's just take some questions from the audience.
I'll allow it.
Hello, everybody.
I'm the leader of the Ellis Island Book Club militia.
And we have decided to assassinate the new Governor, so whichever one of y'all wins, you're dead! Y'all have a nice day.
Listen here.
I don't respond to threats.
All my life, I've been told that because I'm a woman, I should give up.
Well guess what! I'm Dropping out of the race for Governor immediately.
No, no, no, no.
I'm dropping out of the race.
No, you're not! I dropped out first.
I'm much more qualified to drop out of this race than you! You can't tell me that I can't drop out of this race.
Would someone please call me an ambulance? Jesus! This guy asks a lot of [Bleep.]
questions! - Uh, Malloy? - Yes, Connie? I'm really happy you joined our militia and everything, but, uh, I'm not so sure about your idea to violently assassinate the Governor.
Relax, Connie.
No one's gonna get hurt.
- Really? - Really.
I just want to scare them into dropping out of the race.
If I can't live in the Governor's mansion, neither can they.
Trust me.
No one's gonna die today.
Someone's definitely going to die today, as Woody Johnson and Ethel Anderson's names will remain on the ballot whether they drop out or not.
Which means one of them will be elected Governor and swiftly assassinated.
Ain't I a stinker? Hi, I'm Ethel Anderson, and there's no way that I should be elected Governor.
Why, you say? Because I'm a raging, unrepentant alcoholic, and I believe the holocaust never happened, but I wish it did.
Vote Woody Johnson for Governor.
Hi, I'm Woody Johnson, and there's no use beating around the bush.
I molest kids, and I love it.
And I promise to make this state a safe haven for terrorists.
Hey, can I just say, "[Bleep.]
Our troops"? Look where I can stick the Statue of Liberty! Domestic violence isn't a problem It's a solution.
Camptown lady's sing this song Doo-dah.
Doo-dah.
And the election results are in.
If I win, I am dropping off the grid.
I'll change my name to something inconspicuous like - Rick Swordfire.
- Yeah, good thinking.
The winner, and new state Governor is Woody Johnson.
- What? - Woo hoo! In your face, dead man! By the remarkably low count of two votes to none.
Wait.
You voted for yourself? Well I wasn't gonna vote for a goddamn woman.
Hello, Mr.
Governor.
You've got the wrong guy, my name is Rick Swordfire.
I knew Rick Swordfire, and you, Sir, are no Rick Swordfire! Oh et tu, Malloy? Hey, you wouldn't let me live in the Governor's mansion.
Okay! You can live in the Governor's mansion! You can have the Master Bedroom! I'll sleep in the shitter! I don't care! Just talk them down! Really? Okay, guys, great news.
Put down your guns.
The assassination is a no go.
Oh, hell no! You can't get a militia all hot and bothered and leave 'em hanging like that.
It's time to bust a nut in his ass! Uh, I mean cap.
We can do both! Stop! - Ethel? What are - Shut up, Woody.
Let a woman talk some sense into these idiots.
Out of the way, two tits! We have a message to send! What kind of message could you possibly want to send by killing this pathetic piece of shit? We're gonna kill him because he represents a government controlled by the zionist Jew threat! Uh, Bobby, we're okay with Jew people now.
Chaim got us these uniforms from his garment factory.
Fine, what I meant to say was, we gonna kill him because he wants to flood our shores with dirty immigrants.
Psst, immigrants are good, remember? Professor Chin did all our laundry, and Dr.
Patel drove us here in his cab.
Aw, shit, are we anti-anything anymore? I know what we are! We're anti-white garbage trash man! Oh! Guys! Stop! I got an idea.
How about if we make our militia all about being anti-violence? Screw it.
- You think we can just leave? - I don't see why not.
Ethel, you saved my life.
You've proved to me that women are capable of great things.
I was wrong.
I'm sorry.
Your first female apology.
Wow.
I did act like a misogynist asshole, yet you still saved me.
Why? Because even though we may be different genders, deep down inside, we're both red-blooded White people.
High five! - No, actually, I was going to say - Shh-shh.
We'll leave it at that.
I am pleased to announce that my first act as your Governor is to remove the highway running through Brickleberry Park.
The wrecking crew is already on its way.
Ah, well, Phil, your family is great company, but we've been playing for six straight days.
Oh, we're just getting started.
Uh-oh.
You forgot to say, "Uno"! Oh, a helicopter! Thank God! I'm saved! Aah! Uno! And with that done, I'm stepping down as Governor.
As a thank you to my friend Ethel, my last act is to pardon Governor Melcher for her having sex on tape with a black guy and hand the job back to her.
- Thank you, Woody! - It's good to be back.
She Governor again? You made me rob the cradle for nothing? Wait a minute.
You were behind that sex tape? Water under the bridge, right? "The Woody Johnson prison for criminally insane man-rapists"? Uh oh.