Call Me Fitz (2010) s02e07 Episode Script

Take it from Fitzy, kids.
There's only one secret to staying alive in this messed up world, and that's taking care of numero uno, keeping track, being in control.
Self-control is a martial art.
Total control of your emotions, behaviour and desire takes training, practice, focus.
What the fuck? Saving that last inch of Scotch for the next morning: self-control.
Passing up a blowjob because she might have herpes: self-control.
Convincing some guy with a shotgun that you didn't just fuck his wife, without pissing your pants, Frank Sinatra wrote a song about that one.
What the fuck? So maybe some weird shit's been happening, shit I had nothing to do with.
It's going to take a lot more than a run of bad luck and blackouts to take down Richard Fitzpatrick.
Motherfucker! Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd have won by a mile Without you Oh, life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man Without you Oh, Richard! Oh, thank God I found you.
Now it's you turn to hide.
Go.
I'll count to a trillion.
This is no time for jokes.
You've been missing for two days, and a supernatural fatwa is no time to go on a bender, mister.
Sonja is missing.
Sonja is not fucking missing.
She's just trying to teach me a lesson.
The dealership is crawling with police officers.
Fuck, Albertan? You cannot drown your problems in alcohol.
God, I wish I could.
I'd start by drowning you.
"Farmington Detention Facility"? You have a collect call from-- Get me the fuck out of here! It's Mom.
Oh, fuck.
Just what I need today.
Is it Sonja? Is she all right? Listen, fuck face, Sonja is fine.
Every time we break up, she goes into hiding for a week.
Or dark forces are conspiring against you, and Sonja's their latest casualty.
I need a drink.
No, no! You need to rest and clear your head.
No, cum puddle.
What I need is to get some rest and clear my head, so I can figure out what to fucking do next.
Give me that fucking bottle! No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Only-- Only if you stay here, where I can keep track of you.
Just-- Just let me deal with this.
And how are you going to do that? I know.
I'll find that fortune-teller.
Yeah, because there must be more to this prophecy: a loophole, another clue.
Here! I'm on it.
Get me a burrito.
Extra salsa? What the fuck do you think? Ugh! Yes, I found Sonja's car, and I can assure as assistant office manger-- She was missing for how long before anyone noticed before she was gone? Look, you know how crazy broads get when they get that monthly Rorschach test in their panties.
Just hurry up.
Get out of here.
You're frightening off the customers.
Oh, I agree, Daddy.
This is really not good for business so-- I meant you.
What? Ugh! That rodeo tramp couldn't find her ass with a map.
She'll find something.
Your son isn't as smart as he thinks he is.
When he was in kindergarten, that knob gobbler flunked recess.
His favourite colour was four.
He thinks Planet of the Apes is a documentary.
He thinks vagina is a city in Saskatchewan.
He thinks General Motors is the name of a soldier.
He's so stupid.
He's so stupid.
Ew, really? You and the petrified penis? What a cute couple you make.
He's more of a man than you'll ever be.
You got a lot of balls showing your face in here.
I got a lot more balls than you.
You're letting skirts fight your battles now? You've been harassing Dot for weeks now.
Now I'm missing my favourite receptionist.
I wonder what the police will think when I tell them about the problems you two were having, the arguments.
She was distraught over you.
She's not missing, you human urinal.
She's at home, crying into her Ben & Jerry's.
Yeah, you stick to that story.
You'll be a prison-shower luffa by the end of the week.
Now get the fuck off my lot.
I got a stake in this fucking dealership.
I'm a partner.
Mm, from what I remember, a very small partner.
Call me Mom.
You want to play tough, old man? I'll hit you with an old bat.
Josh! Josh! I need your help.
No.
No-- Oh, God.
It's for Richard, a mission.
If you want to get rid of that two-faced ex-girlfriend of mine, I'm down.
If you want to get nachos, I'm also down.
But I rather get rid of Dot and then get some nachos.
Okay.
I've already been working on a plan.
Now, the table is the dealership.
Good.
This beer bottle is Fitzy.
Yeah.
These pliers are Dot.
This used teabag is you.
Why am I the--? And this is me.
Now, Dot leaves the dealership at 5:00 p.
m.
exactly every night.
I follow her out.
When she drives away-- I signal to you guys that she's gone.
Guys, she's gone! And then you, me and Fitz all run back in the dealership.
"I'm tall.
" "Shut the fuck up, Larry.
" "Ring, a-ding, ding.
" And then we lock the doors.
Lock ourselves inside the dealership? That's your plan? Well, it's Plan A.
Still got Plan B, C, D and F.
Okay, well, what's Plan E? Plan E? Jesus, Larry, I thought you of all people would appreciate the value of human life.
You're-- Josh, Josh, I need your help for Richard! If you want to get rid of that two-faced ex-girlfriend of mine, I'm down.
If you want to get nachos, I'm also down.
Shut your mouth! That will be all.
Yes, ma'am.
"Smoking can harm or kill your baby.
" Now they tell me.
Shoplifting, huh? Amateur.
Support hose aren't cheap, kid.
You want out of here? Sign this.
I need temporary proxy control of your share of the dealership.
We all need something, baby.
Ken's got himself a new psycho harpy.
They're trying to squeeze me out of my dealership and have me arrested.
I'll put that on the top of the list of shit I don't care about.
I'm just trying to level the playing field.
Ken's got a psycho harpy.
I need one too.
Fire with fire.
You know the deal.
I'm the only one that can control that bastard you call a father.
What's in it for me? How about I don't leave you here to rot alone? Albertan? What, are you trying to kill me? Don't tempt me.
Darn it, Richard.
I told you to stay home.
Oh, dear God! Still hanging out with the beanstalk? Pays the bills.
Uh, can I get you something? A drink? Maybe a bus ticket? I think I'm going to freshen up.
Where's your coke? Should be some behind the soap dish.
Okay.
Richard, what is that woman doing here? Dot Foxley's making a romance play for Ken.
She gets a share of the dealership; I'm fucked.
That still doesn't explain your mother's presence.
I'm going to lock Ken in a room with that cock dragon until he swears off women or kills himself.
Either way, I win.
Okay, okay, Richard, we need to concentrate on finding that fortune-teller.
Now, look, I've learned that many "carnival people" spend most of their off season in a town not far from here.
Now, if you're not going to listen to me and rest, we should check that out.
I just blew most of my bank roll bailing out that sausage oven, and I still haven't paid the Lebanese mob their weekly sanitation fee.
If she bolts, I'm dead.
Have you forgotten what happened the last time we saw Elaine? You know what she's like.
She only cares about one thing.
That's right, Elaine! Uh, let's talk compensation.
And money! Didn't I just bail you out? Mama needs some pocket change, Two now, the rest when Dot Foxley's a bad stain on the bed sheets.
Time for Mama to earn her money the old-fashioned way, by actually earning it.
Trust me, kid.
I know how to push your old man's buttons.
Your paying your mother to have sex with your father? Oh, Richard.
Relax, Larry.
How do you think they met in the first place? Hi, we are a little short-staffed today.
Someone will be right with you.
Okay.
I like it.
I like it as well Well played, Richard Fitzpatrick.
Darling, there's something I have to tell you.
Cut the crap, legs.
You're not the first broad to try and play me by setting up house.
And since the last one left me with two ungrateful abominations, I'm not interested.
You don't want to call me your girlfriend? Fine, I'm not your girlfriend.
Call me your pecker holster.
Call me your whore.
Call me Elaine.
I don't care.
Just promise me one thing.
Call me.
We could have a life together, Ken Fitzpatrick.
You, out.
We'll continue our conversation later.
Elaine.
That's it? No, "Get out out my sight, you desiccated penis glove"? You got your divorce papers.
You stole 25% of my dealership.
So unless you're here to suck my blood-- I was thinking we could get liquored up and then go at each other like rabid dogs.
Then go at each other like rabid dogs.
Scotch? What is that? Some kind of a fucking joke? Oh, my God.
Have you still got your panties in a twist over that stupid bottle of Scotch? It wasn't a stupid bottle.
It was a goddamn collector's item! Oh, get over it, Fitzpatrick.
Life is too short.
- Foxley! - Yes, sir? Do your job.
Take out the trash.
That's a good way to lose an arm, sweetheart.
You mentioned the fucking Scotch? You think he'd be over it by now.
Oh, fuck.
Shows what you know.
That Scotch would be worth a fortune by now.
Enough to get those Leb mobsters off my ass.
I could hole up somewhere nice and quiet, and just wait for the fucking Beaver Moon.
The Beaver-- What the fuck? Don't worry about it.
Just do your fucking job.
Don't fill your diapers.
I'll get it done.
Not if you're back in jail you won't.
You wouldn't dare.
You're the one who taught me to never get stuck with a lemon.
You ungrateful bastard.
And you wonder why I left? Oh, I know why you left.
Mommy, loves you, honey.
She just loves vodka a little more.
For five years I thought vodka was my brother you kept in the cupboard.
You know what? When you're done strolling down memory lane, wake me up.
Memory lane.
Memory lane.
If we can remind the old man of what a misery it is being married, Dot won't stand a chance.
Family trip like the old days? Yeah.
Well, good luck getting that lard ass out of his recliner.
That's easy.
Daddy, tax man! See, I'm good for things.
I'm helpful.
I'm a valuable part of this business.
Over here.
Come on.
Come on! Elaine? What the fuck is this shit? Mom? So, what, there's no tax man? This is why you made me lie to Daddy? What the fuck? Nobody tells me anything! Hello, uh Meghan.
I always hated that name.
Seriously, Daddy.
I had no idea.
You fuckers really think you can kidnap me? Who the fuck would pay to get you back? I demand answers.
Why are you even here? Well, your brother needed help.
Oh, so you just come running? Hah! What about me? What about my needs? Ten grand, she's all yours.
Would somebody just fucking shoot me? You're not getting off that easy, old man.
Just drive.
We're going somewhere? You never told me we're going somewhere.
You're trying to leave me behind again.
- That's just great.
- Mom? Daddy? I swear to fucking God! Her name is Laverne, and she lives in a gypsy caravan? Never heard of her.
Okay, okay, well, if you do come across her, please, give me a call, okay? Because a man's life and that of his conscience depends on it.
Freak.
I would pay to see not to watch her shave.
We should have found Laverne by now.
God knows what Richard and his mother are up to.
This is not good, Josh.
This is really bad.
I have memories of Ulie.
He was a good friend.
At least I thought he was.
Turns out Ulie was a double agent, and I was ordered to terminate him.
As I was tailing him, I got surrounded, ambushed.
So I barricaded myself in this farmhouse.
And he was there.
I couldn't do it, man.
I c-couldn't kill him.
Because he was your friend.
Because he was a zombie, man.
Because he was a zombie.
The old Fitzpatrick shithole.
The happiest day of my life was here, the day I left you two crap factories.
I remember this tree.
I used to try and climb it everyday, and everyday the old man used to tell me I'd never make it.
Oh, my gosh, are you going to cry? Hey, everyone, Dick's going to cry! It wasn't just a bottle of Scotch! - Oh, Jesus, here we go.
- It was your ego.
Remember the last time they fought about the Scotch? Yeah, it was the day that Elaine left, perfect.
How is that perfect? That Scotch was from the-- Kennedy Inauguration Ball.
It had the executive seal on it.
That Scotch was part of history.
You know how much that bottle cost me? Nothing.
You stole it.
And you know how I know? Because you never shut up about it.
That bottle of Scotch ruined my childhood.
With no mother to teach me about boys or fashion or what to do when my stocking went too far-- You were better off without her.
You maybe.
Not me.
You know how I learned about sex? Sneaking into your room and looking at your porn.
Yeah, I know.
I read about it in your diary.
You're not supposed to look in my diary! And you were supposed to stay out of my fucking room! You loved that Scotch more than you loved me.
Why wouldn't I? Scotch keeps me warm.
Scotch makes me feel good about myself.
Scotch gives me pleasure.
And that bottle, that bottle would be like sucking on the tit of a goddess.
Ooh! Just like always, blame all your problems on Elaine.
You did it on purpose.
You knew Dad would blame Mom.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Daddy! Mom didn't take that bottle of Scotch.
It was Dick.
Teach you to read my fucking diary.
I heard you were looking for me.
Where did you come from? My van.
Did the spirits send you? If by "spirits," you mean Marty at the gas station, then, yes, the spirits sent me.
What do you want? Oh, well, it's-- It's about Richard.
See, it's almost the Beaver Moon, but he still refuses to search for his shadowy figure, let alone make amends.
Oh, right, Fitz.
Mm.
Contacting the spirit world requires a distinct sensual interaction on our part.
And you're cute but you're not "freebie" cute.
You feel me? You don't feel me.
I need the big O in order to talk to the dead.
Oprah? The other big O.
Oh, Oklahoma.
Yeah, that's a very generous offer, Laverne, but I don't have two-- Josh? Oh, looks like it's all on you.
Oh, no, but you know what? I'm actually a very old-fashioned kind of guy.
And we haven't even gone on a date or held hands or laughed about something that we both liked but that nobody else in the world did.
I have a mattress in the back.
Yeah, yeah, look, it's not that I'm not attracted.
It's just this whole-- How do I put it? Yeah, unwashed public-toilet seat quality to is.
It's sanitized.
Oh, I can do this for Richard.
No, no! I am so sorry, Laverne.
Please, don't take it personally.
You're a very beautiful woman.
Who we just gave $200 to.
Origami.
Then there's nothing I can do for you.
Please, there must be some other way.
What the fuck did you do with my Scotch? How the fuck should I know? I was seven years old.
Oh, why am I not surprised? Every broken vase, every torched couch, you.
Right, no one else is to blame.
You know parenting requires more than scowling and smoking? I didn't have a childhood because of you.
I ought to sue your ass.
- Fuck suing! - I'm going to kill him.
You know how much that bottle w w worth? Yes! You know what? Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you.
This is all your fault.
The little bastard framed me.
He got the crazy from you! What'd he get from you? The premature ejaculation? Oh, that's right.
X marks the spot.
Anything? This would go a lot faster if you stop talking.
Sorry.
How about now? Shut up.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Ah.
Okay.
Ugh, that was the most unsatisfying 200 I've ever made.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what did the spirits say? Not much.
They made fun of you for not being able to seal the deal.
And then they told me the shadowy figure is closer than you think, and to keep watching for the signs.
No, but we've already seen them.
The train-track hickey, the glass, the fire.
Not a hickey, train tracks.
Spirits are very literal.
Yeah, Larry.
Could you please ask the spirits to be a little more specific? Sure, there's a bank machine the next town over.
Oh.
"Closer than you think"? Oh, no, Elaine.
So what did the spirits say about me? Josh, we have to go get Richard.
Tell me later.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Keep your mouth shut, and I'll split it with you.
I hate Scotch.
But you love money.
What do you say? 80/20? Daddy, Richard found your bottle! No, no, shh! Shut-- Give me that bottle, you ungrateful little shit! You want it? Fire Dot.
What? You heard me.
I want her out of our lives, or I'll-- No, no, no! Fine.
She's toast.
Now give me.
Thanks for your help, Mom.
Stupid shit-fuck.
First cancer, now my fucking Scotch.
Cancer? Oh, so that's why you've been going gaga after some skirt and whining about your mortality.
Cancer? Boo-hoo.
Breasts, skin, ass.
A slice, a little chemo, good as new.
Down a nut.
You are Ken fucking Fitzpatrick.
You're twice the man with one nut than junior could ever be with four.
You always had a way to cheer me up.
Shut up and fuck me.
Oh! Something Oh, Ken.
Happens to me Mm.
Are they eating each other? I think they're kissing.
A strange kind of chemical change Goes rushing through me I know that mysterious glow Means you'll appeal And, darling Something happens to me In your eyes When I feel I call dibs on his watch.
You're trembling too In breathless wonder To see that when something happens to me It happens to you It happens to you