Call Me Kat (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

1 - Hey, Oscar.
- Morning, Kat.
Hey, Randi.
I'm so pumped.
I actually have a reason to be here today besides the hot coffee and even hotter café owner.
- Randi, for you.
- Oh! I love shopping after a few glasses of wine.
It's like drunk me sending sober me presents.
I wonder what it is.
Two packs of cotton balls and a candle.
Delivery driver skill.
I can tell what's in a package just by shaking it.
Uh, that's amazing.
- What flavor candle? - I'm not a magician.
I mean, I dabbled a bit in high school, but a dove died, and I hung up my cape.
Just when I thought you couldn't get any sexier.
The magic and the cape, not the dead bird.
It's nice you two found each other.
Katharine, I got here as soon as I could.
You said there was a fashion emergency? I see I'm too late.
Okay, I didn't really have a fashion emergency.
I just wanted to get you out of the house.
You've been in hiding since you and Preston broke up.
I don't know where you learned such trickery and manipulation.
But give me a free biscotti, and I'll consider forgiving you.
Yes, wherever did I learn it? Hey, Sheila.
How you holding up? A little lonesome, but I'm surviving.
Aw.
Well, at least you have that trip to Bora Bora coming up.
I know a beach always makes me feel better.
Not me.
I hate beaches.
Not the movie that's pure cinematic perfection.
Oh, I'm not going.
What? Wh why not? Only truckers and serial killers travel alone.
Well, then take a friend.
Who? What about Margaret from the club? No, thanks.
She's become so needy since she found out I was a bone marrow match.
Okay.
What about Betty? TSA nightmare.
She has a titanium hip and a steel plate in her head.
It's like traveling with the Tin Man.
Take a sip of water or something, for God's sake.
Uh, Sheila, I think he's offering to go with you.
That, or he has a hair ball.
- Phil, would you like to go with me to Bora Bora? - Yes.
Then it's settled.
I've got to go pack.
Uh, oh, don't forget to change that dreadful shirt.
I'm going to Bora Bora.
But I don't want to leave you two in the lurch.
Phil, you have to go.
Okay.
Listen, I will leave dough and premade pastries in the freezer.
Thank you so much! Do you think we should hire someone for a few days? Oh, well, I don't want to do all the extra work, but I also don't want to meet a new person.
If you need an extra pair of hands, I have a ton of vacation days saved up.
- Happy to help out.
- You would do that for us? - Of course.
- Oh, that's so nice.
Thank you.
Handsome and helpful.
You're the total package.
Delivery driver pun intended.
Good one.
Pew, pew.
Again, so nice you two found each other.
Have a great day.
I'm having a blast.
Me, too! You fit right in.
And I love that you moved the cups.
So much more efficient.
Well, I did win an award for most efficient carrier at my other job.
Where they pay me.
Uh, I pay you in kisses.
I accept that.
Uh, if there's a policy change, I'd like to go on record, I prefer cash.
Randi, did you see what he did with the cups? Yes, I saw what he did with the cups.
I saw what he did with the straws.
I saw what he did with the napkins.
Nothing in this café is where it's supposed to be.
Really? I think it's so much more intuitive.
Yeah, I mean, we were keeping the straws and the lids, like, a mile away from each other.
Now they're practically making love, which is always good.
On the truck, I like to say "organization equals optimization.
" Okay, who does he say that to? He drives alone.
Okay, I'm gonna take my break, but I'm also gonna take this trash with me, because efficiency.
You know, it's so nice for Oscar to help out, but he's making a lot of changes for someone who's been here for, you know, three hours.
Impressive, huh? I mean, I guess.
I just don't know why we're trying to fix something that isn't broken.
I mean, did you see that he put out comment cards for the customers? Yeah, that way we know if we're doing something wrong.
Okay, A) I rarely do anything wrong.
And B) when I do, I don't want to know about it.
And what is this "on the truck"? I mean, "On the truck, I do this," and, "On the truck, I do that.
" Does it look like we're on a damn truck? Well, I like the changes.
Well, of course you do.
That's because you're looking at him through the rose-colored glasses of a new relationship.
Randi.
Randi, Randi, Randi.
I'm a 40-year-old woman, not some lovesick middle schooler.
Come on, you never complain about him.
I complain about Carter to Carter.
It's healthy to recognize the person you're dating isn't perfect.
In fact, it makes your relationship stronger.
I know he's not perfect.
Okay, then name one thing you don't like about him.
He made me wait 39 years to meet him.
Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna go clean the bathroom, because that's less gross than what you just said.
I'm so full.
I didn't need the triple-triple.
- Then why'd you do it? - I don't know.
Why did I eat a chimichanga for breakfast? Why did I have pizza in bed last night? Pizza in bed? I call it my night za.
I'm on a downward spiral.
I can't even remember the last time I ate anything green that wasn't a gummy worm.
You got gummy worms? You holding out on me? No, no more bad food.
In fact, I'm gonna start a juice cleanse.
Tomorrow.
Maybe Friday.
No, no, tomorrow.
Hey, you got to be kidding me.
There is no way that you can survive a juice cleanse.
Could do it better than you.
You down sugar like it's heroin.
- Nuh-uh.
- Empty your pockets.
I don't have to prove anything to you.
Oh, get out of there! Did you just eat pocket candy off a dirty bar floor? No.
I may have a problem.
Why don't you do the cleanse with me? Three days, starting tomorrow.
Maybe Friday.
No, no, tomorrow.
All right, but let's make it interesting.
Whoever breaks has to clean the deep fryer and handle all vomit-related incidents for the next month.
Ooh, throwing VRIs into the mix.
You're on.
I'm gonna order a pizza.
Do you want anything? Ooh, see if they can put gummy worms on it.
Welcome to the Monoi Beach Resort and Spa the hotel for lovers.
Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
Preston cheated on you.
Living well is the best revenge.
Here's our confirmation.
Thank you.
Would you like to use the credit card on file for incidentals and amenities? Preston Brooks, ending in 8564? Preston, honey, does that work for you? Most certainly, my dear.
Pip-pip.
You know what? We'd like to upgrade to one of your luxury suites.
Blimey, that'll be great for all the hot, heterosexual relations we're going to have.
Let me just get you your keys.
British? If I have to be straight, I get to be British.
Where do you get the delicious candy in the machines by the front door? Oh, those are cat treats.
I know.
I want to get some for my cats.
You don't have a cat, do you? I might.
All right, we'll have those ready for you tomorrow at 9:00.
Have a "meowtastic" day.
Wait.
What are we having ready tomorrow at 9:00? - Cupcakes.
- How many? 400 of Phil's cupcakes, without Phil? Are you crazy?! I assumed you took orders like this all the time.
No! Our record is 82.
And that was muffins no frosting.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Good news.
Matthew Purry does not have a bladder infection.
He's just pee shy.
Well, more good news thanks to this guy, we get to stay up and make 400 cupcakes overnight.
What? 400 of Phil's cupcakes, without Phil? Are you crazy?! Okay, nobody panic.
- 300 cupcakes is not that many.
- It's 400.
400 cupcakes is not that many.
- You know what? Let's just call and cancel.
- No way.
One bad Yelp review can destroy a business.
That's true.
My uncle's barbershop folded after a bad review.
Though he did cut someone's ear off, so it may have been for the best.
And what if the cupcakes are for something important, like a fundraiser for puppies or orphans? Puppies don't eat cupcakes, and orphans are used to disappointment.
We've all seen Annie.
Okay, okay, you know, we we can do this.
And it might even be fun.
Randi, let the customers know we're gonna be closing early.
I'll call Phil and get his recipe.
Ma'am? Would you like the exfoliating jasmine sugar scrub? Does it cost more? Way more.
Not really worth it, but they make me ask.
Wonderful.
We'll take two.
Put it on the room.
Throw one in for yourself.
Darling, you're so generous.
I know.
It's like I'm spending someone else's money.
How is he not answering? This is a man who once picked up during a colonoscopy.
I found Phil's recipe book.
He has a recipe book? Phil told me all of his recipes were up here.
Little liar.
Uh, "Phil Crumpler's Crumpets.
" "Phil Crumpler's Biscuits.
" "Phil Crumpler's Hoecakes.
" Oh, wait, that's just a list of phone numbers.
Oh, here we go.
"Phil Crumpler's Cupcakes.
" All right, so how should we do this? Uh, well, the recipe says it makes 24 cupcakes.
So we need 17 batches.
I say we make one batch at a time, and then make the next batch while those are baking.
No, no, that'll take too long.
We should do one giant batch of batter so we're only measuring and mixing once.
Then we move on to the baking phase, then the frosting phase.
Um, I think small batches - are much more manageable.
- Trust me, I help my abuela make hundreds of empanadas every year for Christmas.
We always do all the dough at once.
I promise you it is the most efficient way.
Um, all right, uh, one big batch it is.
Or we can cancel and go watch other people make cupcakes on TV.
Enjoy.
You don't know how lucky you are.
I am so hungry, and I am so tired.
And I am so hungry.
Hey, man, this was your idea.
I didn't know these juices were gonna be so tiny.
And they taste like wet dirt.
Well, I love 'em.
They go down so smooth.
Ah How are you doing so well? I don't know, I guess I'm just better than you.
Open up, you turd.
Okay, nobody's getting cherries! - Hey.
- Hey.
Did you come to order food? Can I watch you eat it? Oh, I'd be into that, too.
Weird vibe in here.
We need to use your oven.
We have a really big cupcake order.
- We don't have an oven.
- How is that possible? We make everything with a deep fryer, a flattop or a microwave.
Well, can you make cupcakes in any of those? Can you please stop saying cupcakes? Okay.
Cake, cookies, your mama's banana pudding.
You are so mean.
- Wake up! - Oh, my.
Okay, the first batch is officially cooled.
- Okay.
- Shall we? Yes.
Okay, what's happening here? It's so salty.
This tastes like a fluffy Virginia ham.
I'll try Phil again.
No, no, I can fix this.
Okay, how do we make 'em less salty? Ooh.
I once watched a YouTube video where they rubbed a balloon to get static electricity, and it sucked the salt right off the table.
Should we try that? I'm calling Phil.
So I told her, I said, "Girl, you need to hush.
" Oh.
Hey, Kat.
Oh, thank God you answered.
Hello, Katharine! Is everything okay? No, we got an order for 400 of your cupcakes.
400? 82 nearly put me in my grave.
Well, you're not dead, and we need your help.
We used your recipe, and they came out terrible.
Well, that's because I switched all the teaspoons to tablespoons to thwart potential thievery.
Very smart.
Well, now we have batter for 400 cupcakes, and it's all wasted.
Why would you do one giant batch? Small batches are the way to go.
Don't get me started.
So is the teaspoon-tablespoon thing the only secret code? No, no, no.
Where it says "dash of love," that's nutmeg.
Okay, thanks, Phil.
Are you two having fun? Well, we're making do.
Good luck.
All right, let's start over, now that we have the right recipe.
Oh, we should do small batches this time.
You don't say.
Ooh, rose-colored glasses slipping down a little, huh? Oh.
I think we should've asked about the frosting, too.
Somehow it tastes like fish.
Damn it, I'll call back.
What is that? I don't know.
Some delivery guy dropped it off.
Is that the meatball sub from Palandro's? Let's open it up and see.
I believe it is.
You bastard.
I cannot believe that you would sink so low.
Oh, really? So I guess the doughnut fairy just left these then.
I guess he did.
I'm gonna put this in your mouth.
You go low, and I go high.
Put it in your mouth.
Come on.
- Daddy.
- Eat it, eat it.
- Eat this.
Eat this.
- Daddy.
Hey, Daddy.
What is going on? I told you there was a weird vibe over here.
This backstabber's trying to sabotage my cleanse with the most delicious balls of meat you've ever met.
He started it with the doughnuts.
Ooh, doughnuts.
Can I have one? Uh, I wouldn't.
I rubbed 'em on my butt so I wouldn't be tempted to eat 'em.
Then why'd you put 'em back in the box? 'Cause if Max broke and ate one, it would be hilarious.
Too far, man.
Okay, as fun as this is, we really need your help, or we're never gonna finish the cupcakes in time.
But we're so tired.
This cleanse is no joke.
Oh, just shut up and come help us.
- Such a warm invitation.
- How do we say no? You don't.
Get your asses over there.
They never come in to be nice anymore.
All right.
We cleaned out the gift shop.
Hey, you want to put on our new sun hats and go scare the peacocks? I'm not really feeling up for it.
What's wrong? I thought it'd feel good to stick it to Preston but it didn't.
- Well, it's okay to feel sad after a breakup.
- Mm.
I'm not just sad.
I'm angry.
Not only at Preston.
At the hands I've been dealt recently.
Oh, honey.
I thought I'd grow old with Katharine's father but that was taken from me.
Then I thought I had a chance at some happiness with Preston.
And here I am alone again.
I get it.
My life did not turn out the way I thought it would, either.
Hell, I'm still waiting for the growth spurt the pediatrician promised me.
I'm just ready to stop feeling bad all the time.
Did you have any fun today? Well, yeah.
I liked the parasailing and the cooking class, and watching you swim away from that eel while we were snorkeling was a delight.
See? The happiness is still in there.
And with each passing day, you will feel a little better for a little longer.
I hope you're right.
I know I am.
Now, let's order champagne and name my dolphin.
All right, we're moving, we're grooving, we're doing this.
We're a well-oiled machine.
His positivity's starting to get real annoying.
Yeah, I have no idea what that's like.
I'm gonna kill him.
How you doing, sugar man? Don't worry about me, meatball.
Hey, sweetie, if you squeeze from the top of the piping bag, the frosting will come out a little faster, and you can shave off a few seconds per cupcake.
- Okay.
- Not like that.
You want me to show you? - All right, so you want to put your thumb - You have to stop.
- What? - You're driving me nuts.
All day long, you've been suggesting and fixing and "efficientizing.
" - That's not a word.
- I don't care.
I'm just trying to help.
On the truck, I like to Oh, frick the frickin' truck! Frick it straight to hell! And you're not helping.
You're trying to take over.
And I keep letting you 'cause I'm wearing glasses made of roses.
Now you're not even making sense.
Oh, you want me to make sense? I'll make sense.
I'm tired of you telling me what to do all day.
I'm not telling you what to do.
I was offering suggestions.
Well, you have to stop it, because my love for you is making me agree to do stupid things! That's not my fault.
And you're over-frosting - that cupcake.
- Oh, this one? This one right here? Oh! Ooh! Oh, no! Oh.
Oh, you think it's funny? You think that's funny? Mmm.
- You lose.
You lose.
- Hey, it doesn't count! - It doesn't count! - It does count! - It total - Oh! Oh, is that funny? - Oh! - Oh! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay, you guys, stop wasting the damn cupcakes, or we're gonna be here all night! - Thanks.
- Oh.
You got quite the arm on you.
That was nothing.
You should've seen me in the summer camp spaghetti war of '95.
Kat, I'm sorry.
I was supposed to be helping you while Phil was gone, but I just made things more stressful.
Yeah, you you did.
You may not know this about me yet, but I get excited about organization and efficiency.
Is that why you alphabetized all my condiments? It was a zoo in there.
Soy sauce next to mayo? What are we doing? I've always been like this.
I used to rearrange my sister's dollhouses so Barbie could focus on her work.
My mom got rid of my dollhouse when she found Barbie and Ken in the throes of smooth-genitaled passion.
Listen, um, you know, I should apologize, too.
For smashing a cupcake in my face? Don't.
It was delicious.
Well, that, and I should have just told you you were bugging me, but I just I don't like to rock the boat.
You got to rock the boat sometimes, or it'll fill up with resentment and sink to the bottom of the ocean.
- I'm just not used to fighting.
- Really? Well, I never saw my parents fight.
I didn't have any siblings.
Even my imaginary friend worked more in passive-aggressiveness.
She'd disappear for weeks at a time without so much as a note.
Well, my family loved to throw down, and if you were left out, you wondered what you did wrong.
By the way, this was barely a fight.
But even when we have bigger ones, we'll be fine.
Because our "relation-ship" is solid.
Pun intended? You know it.
All right, we should probably get back downstairs.
In a minute.
Oh, is it payday already? - Mmm.
- Sweet.
Hey, we got a review for the cupcakes.
- Ooh, what did they say? - Uh "Great cupcakes.
Nice job.
" - That's it? - I like it.
It's efficient.
We're back! - Hey.
- Hey, welcome back.
And we brought gifties.
Ooh, I love presents.
I picked him out just for you.
- His name is Kevin.
- Oh.
Hey, Kevin.
A hat for you.
Ooh, thank you.
- And chocolates for you.
- Ooh, thanks.
Phil, I'm so glad you're back.
Now I can get back on my truck alone.
Oh, I'm so glad you're back, too.
Although I have come around to some of Oscar's changes.
Moving the straws was brilliant.
Really? 'Cause I had a few more ideas I think could really help.
- No! - No! Give me some of that sugar Hey, let's make it sweet Give me some of that good stuff Lift me off my feet You know I love it when you smile, baby Now I really got to move We're gonna groove, groove Give me that sugar, all I need It's all I need, sugar Sugar, sugar Sugar, hey Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, hey.