Carter (2018) s02e07 Episode Script
Harley Wanted To Say Bonspiel
1 COMMENTATOR: I didn't see any urgency in the brushing there.
They kinda all quit talking at the hog line.
ANNOUNCER: They think they can get this with a third of a stone to half a stone Excuse me.
Sorry.
You are not gonna believe Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Did you just sextuple shush me? No talking.
Skip's gotta get the last brick on the pin for the win.
Staying with it all the way (CROWD CHEERING) MAN: Woo-hoo! Wha why are you hugging strangers? Are you the worst Canadian ever in the world? This is the Women's Curling Final! All right? The skipper had to put the hammer on the button for the game and what a win! Anyways, Bishop hosting this year's Farquhar Women's Curling Invitational, which is a qualifier for the Olympics.
Yeah.
Winner gets 250K and it looks like this is gonna be the year of my favourite player, "Round the House" Ronnie Hart! She's the best.
Oh, my God.
She's also the anchor for my fantasy curling league.
- This is why you're single, man.
- Hey.
I'm married to the sheet.
The ice! The ice surface in curling.
The sheet.
Doesn't matter.
Anyways, her signature move is "around the house" and it takes a lot of skill, so check your tone.
Skill?! This is just shuffleboard on ice! - Oh no, you didn't.
- REPORTER: Breaking news.
Olympic curler Camille DeMello is now being released - from St.
Anthony's Hospital - What? following a physical attack last night at Emerald Curling Club.
Okay, well this is interesting.
We go live as rival curler Ronnie Hart is being brought in for police questioning.
Don't worry, honey.
Be strong! No.
Hey, I said no comment! I wanna talk to Harley Carter, no one else.
- (CROWD REACTIONS) - Let me go! What? People don't talk to you through the TV? HARLEY: Ronnie Hart.
Thank you for coming, Mr.
Carter.
Well, last time I was called out like that on TV, I was up for Best Hero at the MTV Movie Awards.
I didn't attack nobody, okay? I'm innocent.
Someone's trying to set me up hard-core to get me out of play in the upcoming competition.
Any idea who this somebody is? No! But it's working.
The Curling Federation is gonna suspend me from play.
They think I actually did this! I'm guessing that cyber bullying doesn't fall in line with the Curling Code of Conduct.
Okay.
So what if I tweeted that Camille was gonna go down, it was gonna hurt real bad.
Whatever.
I was trash talking.
All athletes trash talk, so why am I being singled out? I have worked so hard and I have sacrificed so much.
This is my one chance to qualify for the Olympics.
My one chance.
Do you have any idea what losing that would feel like? I do.
I came within kissing distance of something very special and I blew it.
(SIGHING) You got an alibi for last night? I was at home with my husband George.
Can anyone else verify that? Because husbands tend to cover for wives and vice versa.
Look, you wanna know the real reason I'm here? - Yeah.
- They want me gone.
I'm not the princess they want.
I don't have the right look.
I don't have sponsors.
I'm never gonna be the face of a cereal box, but I am the better player.
My life, and my reputation is on the line, Harley, - and only you can clear my name.
- Why me? I-I I don't know anything about cruising? - Curling.
- Curling.
Because, you got the same raw deal after your Hollywood blow-up.
The world turned on you for a while.
Twitter Twitter hated you.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't that bad.
It was bad.
Oh, yeah.
It was it was funny, but it was bad.
There were some good comments.
It was hate.
It was all hate.
(CLEARING THROAT) But you know, you've built yourself back up, - proved them wrong.
- I did.
It's not easy.
I need you to do that for me, Harley.
- I need a hero.
- Okay.
Ronnie, I'm going to get you - and your broom - Brush.
- and your puck - Stone.
Whatever.
You called Carter and Carter answered.
I'm gonna take your case.
Oh.
So gross.
(DYNAMIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) HARLEY: I know what this is.
This is the spontaneous, not-so-spontaneous sit-down, a little mid-season tête-à -tête, mano y mano.
Just like Pacino and DeNiro in Heat.
- I didn't see it.
- Seriously? DiCaprio and Nicholson in The Departed.
Didn't see that either.
Carrey and Daniels in Dumb and Dumber? Ever heard of premium cable? It's like ten bucks a month.
Look, uh, Carter Let me just cut to the chase, all right? Why didn't anything ever happen between you and Shaw? (SIGHING) Because Sam's the best.
There is no one else like her.
She's been my best friend forever.
And I wouldn't do anything to mess with that.
Good.
And I agree.
There's no one else like her.
She's, uh Shaw's amazing.
As a cop, she outshines a lot.
She's great confidante, she's funny kind.
Lot of adjectives strung together there.
Let me ask you one more question.
You think I'm a bad guy? Like the villain here? You know, the "big bad" in one of your TV shows.
Who's writing the script? You.
Yeah, you and your boy Dave.
Oh no, no, Dave cannot be my co-writer.
He's a terrible typist, just the two fingers Yeah, well I know you both like to do your research, digging deep into people's lives.
You find anything? Well, if I'm writing the J-Boyle biopic and I'm starting page one, scene one, I gotta tell you, I don't think it's the feel-good movie of the year.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Something you don't have to wait for is this.
If any harm or darkness should ever come to Sam from you or anyone else, I would not hesitate to go full Pacino-DeNiro-Schwarzenegger-Van Damme on you or anyone else who caused it.
Scratch that.
I'm gonna go full Harley Carter, the not-safe-for-TV kind.
(LOUD SIPPING) Mmm.
Got the milk and cream ratio just right.
Do you want a sip? Let's set some ground rules.
No drooling and no gawking, especially when we talk to the victim.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No ground rules required.
I'm not exactly Team Camille.
She and her teammates are all pretty-faced egomaniacs in matching stretch pants and UGGs.
They are Cobra Kai to Ronnie's Macchio.
(SCOFFING) You don't have to worry about me, bud.
I'm nothing short of a true professional Oh, yes! Perfect Instagram opportunity! (SHUTTER SNAPPING) Curling, baby! Super professional, hey! Oh, I spy with my little eye, Sam.
So, the security guard confirmed there were no CCTV cameras in the corridors leading to the locker room.
So no footage of the attack? Anyone else getting a Gillooly vibe with this case? Mm, more like a Ronda Rousey - taking out her latest opponent vibe.
- Oh, come on.
Do not tell us you're on the "Ronnie Hart did it" bandwagon.
No, I don't bandwagon, but she's got a weak alibi, she's got a history of unsportsmanlike conduct, and she's known as an enforcer in a sport that has no enforcers.
Sam, the press has it out for her.
She's a champion in underdog's clothing.
All right, I'm just following the evidence, okay? If she is guilty, she's gonna need more of a P.
I.
, even if it is Bishop's Best.
Oh, I was hoping for one of Bishop's Hottest.
(IMITATING SIZZLING) Practice really hard and one day you might make the Olympics like me.
- (GIGGLING) - Miss DeMello, I am Detective Shaw, Bishop Police.
I'm Harley Carter, P.
I.
of the Magnum P.
I.
s.
This is my Jonathan Higgins.
You are much funnier in person than you are on TV.
I like you.
And you-I don't know if I like you yet.
Have you arrested Ronnie Hart for her latest abomination? She attacked me, smashed my foot, shattered my fourth metatarsal.
I can't walk.
I certainly can't curl.
Metatarsal sounds like something you take to stay regular.
I know you're on her side, Harley.
I saw the news, how she begged you to take her "case".
But trust me, once you hear all the heinous details, you will see her for the monster she really is.
Yeah, the monster who's breaking your records - and shattering your streak - Okay.
I'm cool! (LAUGHING) I'm cool.
I'm good.
I'm walkin' away.
If it's all right with you, can you take me through the events of the attack now? (SIGHING) Certainly.
Sorry.
(SIGHING) Well.
I hate to relive this horrible night over again.
(SIGHING) But, I was heading towards the chaise when I sensed a presence.
Suddenly, a masked intruder wearing a black hoodie grabbed me.
I screamed, and that's when the lights were flicked out.
Ronnie Hart smashed me with my own trophy and then fled the scene.
So, this is the assault weapon? DAVE: That's the Golden Curl 2013 Ladies Cup Final.
You beat Sweden 9-2.
So what makes you so sure that it was Ronnie when you just stated that the intruder was masked? 'Cause she was been threatening to hurt me for years.
I told everyone this would happen and it did.
Ask this guy! How did you know I would know? Because you are a grown man wearing a women's curling jersey.
What's the deal with all these hotdog buns? Well, a grabbed a bag of buns to defend myself and I smacked the intruder until the bag burst.
Oh, Gus, darling! GUS: Don't wanna disturb.
Just here to clean up.
SAM: Gus Beamer? The initial police report said that you were the first at the scene? You called the police? Yeah, I got here as fast as I could.
Curling's been my life's work.
Drives my wife nuts.
Now I get to geek out with my fantasy league pals.
What? Dude Fruit of the Broom! In Living Curler.
- No! - A pleasure! You're the guy who took that name! Okay, well, Gus cannot clean an active crime scene.
Sorry.
That's fine.
Hey, stick around.
We can talk rocks later.
GUS: All right.
Rocked and loaded.
So, Gus was the only one that you spoke to? No, I had a meeting right before the attack with Oscar Farquhar.
The guy who owns the car dealership in town? Oh, uh Oscar Farquhar, it's great casting.
He looks exactly like you would think a car dealer would look like.
You'll see it when you meet him.
He's sponsoring the upcoming Ladies Invitational.
We need his money but that man has some serious anger issues.
Are you or any of the other players afraid of him? If you ask me, darling, you already have the culprit of my attack H-A-R-T.
Well, why don't you let me conduct my own investigation, okay? Darling? I'm gonna go question Farquhar.
Camille's teammates are about to take the ice.
We'll see if we can get something out of them, help us crack the case.
Okay, I will see you back at the station.
Oh, uh, Boyle is having a seafood boil, uh, at the Wreck, and he wanted me to invite you guys.
Something about soft shells and shrimp and just like a casual hang? Sorry, my lobster bib is at the cleaner's.
- What is with the attitude? - No attitude.
It's just, why is Boyle suddenly playing host? Yeah.
I didn't even know he had any friends.
I'm not asking you guys to pal around with him, but I did think I could count on my two best friends to be polite and show up to my boss's party.
What is with you and Boyle? You know what? Count me in, Sam.
Anything for you.
It would really mean a lot to me if you would come too.
Fine.
You want me there, I'll be there.
I'll bring the "whine".
Sorry, that joke looked a lot funnier on the page.
(SIGHING) DAVE: Why are you so hard on the writers? What are you looking at? Ronnie is the one we should be concentrating on.
What is this article about? Oh, yeah.
That was a bad game for Camille.
Some new official accused her of cheating.
150K on the line.
Camille freaked, caused a huge scene.
Did she actually cheat? Depends on who you ask, but yeah, she did.
Still won though.
Her team backed it up, pinned it on a bad call.
Ultimately, the official was fired, driven out of the game entirely.
That's how powerful this team is.
Seems that Ronnie is not the only hothead on the ice.
- (SHOUTING) - Who's that? That is Portia Quintano, Camille's second.
Total Mean Girl.
Looks like Portia has been promoted as the new skip.
It's the understudy that always has the most to gain from taking out the star.
I once understudied John Stamos in a national tour of Cabaret and I put a little peanut inside of his Greek salad.
If he had been allergic, it would've been me who was "velkomming" the crowd that night.
I smell motive.
And stale beer but mostly motive.
Let's go talk to the new skip.
Here.
I had a thousand of those printed, and now I can't give them away.
You can keep that one.
Why would I spend all that money if I was gonna take Camille out? This whole scandal's been nothing but a money pit for me, and it's all Hart's fault.
That's where you should be lookin'.
- What makes you say that? - The whole family's a mess! I had to repossess her mother's car.
The Harts are having money trouble? Heck, yeah! All Ronnie ever talked about was what she'd do with the prize money.
Knocking out Camille's a pretty sure-fire way to nab it.
(SIGHING) Sorry to interrupt.
But you should see this.
Oh, yeah.
That's Curl-y Q's curling blog.
Great blog for all things curling.
You got your team stats, bios, trade information.
The last post was actually about Camille's attack.
Yeah, but Camille was attacked with her Golden Stone trophy.
That detail was never made public.
Nice catch, Rafalski.
Any idea who this Curl-Y Q is? Blogger's anonymous.
Not for long.
Harder! Harder! Skip directs the sweepers.
Ah, directing.
Now you're talkin' my language.
Action! You gain points by getting your stone closest to the centre.
Team with the most points wins.
I mean, it's all about strategy and athleticism! Athleticism? Still, a sport where Patton Oswalt and Paul Giamatti could be champions.
You wanna help me out, Dave? Here we go.
It's not that slippery.
- Here we go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh! Ow! - Practice is in session.
Clear the ice! Uh, we actually wanted to talk to you about the attack.
Oh, are you the police? Uh, no.
We're private investigators.
Well, I'm a private investigator.
He's just a fan.
Well, if you're not the police then I don't have to answer any questions.
So, please.
Get out of my eyeline.
I am busy trying to get my team ready for the championship.
Come on, girls! Thought you said this was an honour-based sport.
That is pure ire decked out in Tiffany studs.
Did you notice how she's calling it "her" team already? Mm-hm.
Portia would never progress if Camille was playing.
She doesn't have the talent.
She's curling's Anna Kournikova.
Looking like my understudy theory is bang-on.
Mm-hm.
HARLEY: Black hoodie.
We have to get ready - to follow our new suspect.
- Yeah, let's go.
- Help me out.
- What? Come on.
- Please Dave.
- Come on.
It's not that slippery.
What are you doing? So that's the house that curling built.
More like the house that cheating built.
(PHONE RINGING) Hey, Sam.
What's goin' on with Farquhar? I got a lead from him on this blogger Curl-Y Q who had insider information about the crime.
I had an ISP provider get me the address assigned to the internet connection.
All right, let me just grab a pen and paper.
What is this, 1995? No, that's the year I claim I was born.
You know what? Dave's gonna write it down.
Shoot.
The home address connected to the blog is 1405 Windsor Lane.
We just followed Camille's teammate Portia to that exact home address.
Sam, this is the moment in the episode where the two separate leads converge in a glorious win.
Cue the music! Okay.
Whew.
Alright.
- Start with some questioning - Mm-hm.
And then we'll ask if we can use the bathroom.
Actually, you know what? Let's ask if we can use the bathroom and then we'll go into the questioning.
Sorry, I drank a lot of that sports drink in one of those sports bottles.
I just wanna know why all of the options have you and me sharing a bathroom.
Wow.
You really have nothing better to do than stalk me? Look who it is the new skip who tried to skip out on our questioning.
Well, you can't skip out on us this time.
(CHUCKLING) Unless you know how to double-Dutch, which is something I never learned.
Look, Portia, we know you attacked Camille in that same black hoodie and then you came home and you bragged about it online.
Yep.
We traced the Curl-Y Q blog to a computer working from this address.
That is actually insane because Camille is my mentor.
- I would never hurt her.
- Leave the acting to me.
I didn't do it.
I don't "blog".
Mom, I defrosted your beef bourguignon Maybe you don't blog, but I'm gonna bet your daughter does.
Suzy.
Look, no one in here believes you're behind the attack, okay? We just have a few questions that we need you to answer, so don't be nervous.
Why would I be nervous to answer questions from a cop who clearly spends more time in the gym than on the job? The pecs gave it away.
It was leg day.
Could I have a try? I speak kid.
Have at it.
Yeah, gettin' hot in here, isn't it? You want your little Hello Kitty pen? Maybe you're getting thirsty, want a juice box.
You know what? Enough small talk.
You say you write your blog and not your mommy.
- Yes.
- Well, it's a pretty big girl blog for such a little girl to be writing.
Where'd you learn to write like that? School.
Duh! Oh, well you used some big girl words like "calamity", "intermittent", "non 'shall'ance"? It's pronounced "nonchalance".
Aren't you an actor? Weren't you privately tutored on set? (SEETHING) Okay.
Uh, Suzy, how did you know that Camille got injured by her trophy? Because we never made that detail public.
I ain't divulging my sources.
Snitches get stitches.
She has a point.
You cannot keep critical information about a violent attack to yourself.
So, either somebody told you about the trophy, or you saw it.
Wait, Suzy, how did you know? Were you at the rink? Did you sneak out of your father's house again last night? Tell me right now or you can kiss your laptop goodbye for a month.
It was Ronnie! She told me and said not to tell anyone.
So what-now you're saying I'm a liar? Yeah, you're calling my wife a liar? What I'm saying is I have faith in my clients, but that faith gets rattled when I find out they've been lying and you lied.
You were not home last night.
We have an eye witness that puts you at the rink at the time of the attack.
Well, why don't you tell them why you were there yesterday? Oh, wait.
What was it you didn't want me to tell the cops? (SIGHING) - Was that eye witness Suzy Quintano? - Mm-hm.
Ronnie, help me out here and we can meet you halfway.
I was at the rink last night giving Suzy private curling lessons, okay? But sometimes we just like, talk, though.
She needed an ear that wasn't always her mom and she she told me I was her role model and it sort of like, melted me.
I know her parents are going through a really crappy divorce right now and I wanted to give the kid an outlet because I think she's got talent.
I didn't tell you guys earlier because I knew saying I was at the rink made it look worse for me.
Hey, why wouldn't anyone want Ronnie teaching their kid? You know, she's like Bishop's LeBron James.
- Stop.
- Except, you know, shorter, and a lady, and a curler.
Well, not like LeBron.
How did you know that the trophy was the assault weapon? I overheard security talking about it when they searched the venue.
And that was during the lesson? No.
We'd already finished.
Suzy had to use the little girls' room and I was waiting for her so I could drive her back to her dad.
All right, so that should clear her! Actually, that puts her at the scene of the crime with an opportunity to slip off of the rink, hurt Camille, and then make it back unseen to drive Suzy home.
We know you have the means and the motive.
Now we can add opportunity.
Just waiting on our smoking gun.
Gun? What? Detective Shaw doesn't believe me, huh, Harley? I can't stand the world thinking I'm guilty.
I might be able to help you with that.
That is a great question and here is a great answer.
Hell, yes! I have been ready for this since I was 12 years old.
My team is Olympic ready and I am Whoa, whoa, hey! What's up, everybody! No, no, no.
This is my press conference.
I don't think you had dibs.
Hey, everybody! You all know me, Harley Carter.
(CHEERING) I'm here to tell you that my client, Ronnie Hart, has been doubted, her name dragged through the mud.
- Yep.
- We're gonna clear her name.
Ronnie's gonna get back on the ice, and then Ronnie's gonna win! Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you, the one, the only, Round the House Ronnie! (CHEERING) Harley didn't even know Ronnie's nickname until I taught him.
(CHUCKLING) Nice work.
I have to remind my wife of the players' names every game! - CROWD: Ronnie! Ronnie! - Stop! Okay.
No questions.
- All right, one question.
- Any comment on the rumours Keegan-Michael Key is on the new short list - to take over Call Carter? - And no more questions! I have a question.
Why doesn't Ronnie just admit that she attacked Camille to win the Invitational? I don't need to make cheap shots to win, unlike you, who had to take Camille out to finally make skip.
(SCOFFING) Maybe we should leave Suzy's lessons to someone more qualified.
If someone landed a shot rock over a hogged stone, I would.
- What did you just say?! - (CROWD REACTIONS) (YELLING OVER EACH OTHER) Dave, Dave a little help? This is turning into an episode of GLOW! - Help, please.
- Let me go! You're dead.
You hear me? Dead! You don't wanna be shouting things like that.
They usually come back to bite you in the next act.
Hello? (URGENTLY) Hello? (THUMPING) (SCREAMING) Ow! My leg! Portia is in the hospital after being attacked last night, and this was found at the crime scene, your fingerprints all over it.
Your initials etched on the handle is not really helping either.
I have no idea how my lucky brush ended up on the ice last night, okay? It's like I've said this entire time.
Someone is trying to frame me.
What more proof do you need? Where were you last night, Ronnie? I was at home, cold calling.
I work part-time selling reusable cat litter - to help pay the bills.
- At home? That is exactly what you told us after Camille was attacked and that turned out to be a lie, so, nice touch with the cat litter, but I'm not buying it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I wanna hear more about this reusable kitty litter before you shoot it down.
I meant I'm not buying the story.
Hey.
What's the plan, Harley? How are you gonna get me outta this? In my experience, when you really want someone to be innocent, you tend to let your feelings get in the way of the facts.
At this point, you are not helping her by helping her.
I made a promise.
Ronnie, if it wasn't you, who else had access to your equipment? (ROCKABILLY MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, oh, oh.
Uh what are you doing? What do you say we sashay on over there and go hustle this guy? I didn't come here to watch you act out scenes from The Color of Money.
Oh.
I do a pretty good Tom Cruise.
- (SNICKERING) - That's not bad.
HARLEY: What's up, Georgie? SAM: Hiya.
Hey Mr.
Carter.
I'd actually I'd prefer to be alone.
My wife just got arrested.
Mmm, we are aware.
Well, shouldn't you be working her case? Because Ronnie didn't do anything.
Who did? Any thoughts? What do ya say we rack these babies up and then nutshell this? Yeah! Talk over some leads.
You know, Jorge, I was married once.
Didn't end too well.
Cost me a fortune.
But there are two things you gotta know when you're in a marriage.
The first self-grooming.
Muy importante.
The second, communication.
If you're gonna be late, you gotta let your spouse know.
They appreciate it.
You didn't do that last night, did you? (CLATTER, GLASS SHATTERING) - MAN: Oh! Nice job, buddy! - I'm sorry? Ronnie said that you were out late last night and never said where you went.
Where'd you go, Georgie? Think before you answer.
Okay, here we go.
Corner pocket! Wait, what's going in the corner pocket? The pool ball.
- Actually, it was my turn? - That it is.
Where were you, George? Questions only get harder as we go along.
I love my wife.
You've made that crystal clear.
You'd do anything for her.
Wait what do you two think you think you know? What do you think we think we think we know? I think you think You think we're thinking of something totally different than you're thinking of.
- Well, what? - Think about this.
Our minds were thinking of you thinking about what you were gonna think about - what you were gonna think.
- I think you think that I took Ronnie's curling brush and did something with it, which I didn't.
We've spent a lot of time thinking about what you were gonna be thinking about and it made us think (WHISPERING) what were you thinking about? Okay.
Enough.
All right? Ronnie told us, George.
Come on.
Your wife does not want you to get into any more trouble than you're already in.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I I did it.
Nobody was supposed to get hurt! I was just supposed to give him the brush! SAM AND HARLEY: Who's him? It's the day of the Invitationals, Oscar.
The Federation always gives out the trophies, not the sponsor.
But Madame Commissioner, don't you think that given the chunk of money that I personally - SAM: Sorry to interrupt.
- I'm not sorry.
We are here on behalf of my client, Ronnie Hart, who is 100% innocent, because we now know the identity of the real attacker.
As the late, great, Koji Yasuda once said, "follow the money".
Isn't that right, Farquhar? I'm not behind these attacks! Publicity gets drummed up, ticket sales go up, and you get a hefty percentage of those ticket sales, don't you, Farquhar? What are you talking about? Did you not ask George Hart to bring you Ronnie's curling brush? It was a business opportunity! I told George to leave her brush for me in her locker.
The silver lining, I thought, was selling the thing! You know, people pay top dollar for sports memorabilia - that belongs to a convicted athlete.
- Hey! No one's been convicted, Pinstripes.
Okay, I'm not the enemy here, okay? I never even saw the brush! When I got to her locker, it wasn't there.
Well, how many people do you think had access to Ronnie's locker? Day of the championship? More than Farquhar.
(WRAPPING ON TABLE) - Whoa! Judge Judy! - This is the last straw.
Miss Hart, in light of no new evidence or suspect, I have no choice but to activate your ban.
You will not compete in today's bonspiel.
No, no, no.
Please reconsider, Madame.
It is tough enough out there for female athletes when fans care more about our looks than our skills sometimes.
All I wanted was to be taken seriously for who I am and my talent.
Please.
Miss Hart you will not represent our sport on our sheets or any other sheets today.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot to do before the competition begins.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
I'm so sorry, Ronnie.
We gotta go back to the scene.
We have to reinvestigate, see if we missed something.
No, no, no.
It's too late, Harley.
We tried.
But this is my fate.
Okay? I'm done.
I've got no more fight left in me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's no way for a soon-to-be Olympian to be talking.
I want you to grab your gear and I want you to go wait by the ice, because you are going to play in the schp schpull buh.
What? The spielball.
Oh, the bonspiel.
Bonspiel.
I'm sorry, I wanted to say that word all episode.
Goooood afternoon, Bishop, and welcome to the Farquhar Women's Curling Invitational! I'm Wes Holmes, Bishop's resident forensic expert and son of Manitoba's eight-time women's curling champion, Madge Holmes.
Wow, what a claim to fame, Wes.
And I'm Delilah Halsey, and I was roped into this because I'm mouthy, hot to trot, and a glutton for punishment.
WES: Coin tosses are underrated.
Yes! Looks like Team Camille has won the toss and we are off to the races! So much controversy surrounding these ladies.
Both teams playing new skips.
But that's all behind us now as both teams take the ice! Well, my money is on the mean girls 'cause they look feisty.
(AUDIENCE SHOUTING) Lay off the rock, let's see where this stone will land.
Who knows and who cares, 'cause in my mind, I'm already at home with a big bowl of Jamoca Almond Fudge and maybe some ice cream.
- Oh, and it hits the button! - (CHEERING) Dead centre! The perfect start for the reason we're all alive today! Folks, I work with this guy in a very dark room with some very dead bodies, so And we're also sort of a couple.
Oh, we are not a couple.
Well, intimacy has a way of rearing its head - in delicate ways.
- All right.
Action! Camille walks toward the chaise lounge.
I, intruder, enter, come up behind Camille, struggle ensues Okay, so if you're coming through the door, then you're able to grab a hold of me, so you probably grab my shoulder with one hand, and then your other hand to the small of my back so you can spin me around.
(BREATHLESSLY) Oh.
Harley, come on.
Put your hand right here.
Spin me around.
And then the lights go out.
- SAM: Dave? - DAVE: Yeah? This is a re-enactment.
You don't actually have to turn the lights off.
(CROWD NOISES FROM RINK) HARLEY: Who do you think's winning right now? (CHEERING) Ooh, they cannot be happy with that release or that sweep! You know, I am confused and bored, but that looks like a major blunder, Wes.
I gotta tell ya, Delilah, Team Hart could really use some of that Ronnie Hart magic right about now.
(GASPING) That's it.
What if Camille wasn't the only person on the ground?! What if in the dark, the intruder slipped, fell, hit the deck? And Camille wouldn't know about it because the lights were off, so it wouldn't be in her testimony.
Okay, look.
The buns, the buns, look at the buns.
The buns.
Buns, buns Buns.
The buns.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! I know who did it! Who? Oh, hello? Oh, what's that? You don't want me to tell them until after the commercial break? (CHUCKLING) Okay.
Cut.
Print.
WES: Team Camille take the lead nine to six.
Team Hart now possess the last stone.
Oh, my stars and garters! (CHUCKLING) Garters, yeah.
I knew there was some cake - behind all that vanilla.
- I'm officially uncomfortable - and a little turned on.
- Mission accomplished.
Whoa! Oh-ho! Stop the game.
- Delilah, hit me.
- We speak the language.
Oh! Wow! Thank you, Delilah.
There's no such thing as a perfect crime, even if it is six years in the making.
Isn't that right, handyman Gus? (SUSPENSE CUE PLAYING) You know, Gus, you said something super weird to me.
Curling's been my life's work.
It was a really odd thing for a handyman to say, but you weren't always a handyman, were you, Gus? Let's take a walk down Memory Lane.
Yeah, goin' down Memory Lane.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah! He's got the moves, right? He should move off of the rink.
Ha-ha! Six years ago, Gus was rockin' a really sweet moustache and he was also a curling official.
The last match he officiated was the Golden Curl.
This rock is out of play! He made a call a good call.
- It was a burnt rock.
- Zero points Camille disputed it.
Portia backed her up.
Gus was fired.
The girls stood to lose $150,000 if that call stood.
It was overturned, your career was ruined, and they didn't even break a nail.
Let's see that Golden Curl trophy! You're kind of a "Golden Curled" I can't hear you when he's here.
This is also the trophy that was used to break Camille's mm meta-scorpal? - Metatarsal.
- Marsupial.
- "Meta" - Meta? tarsal.
- He's not gonna get it.
- He'll get it.
Meh metar ALL: Metatarsal! - Metatarsal! - DELILAH: You got it.
Thank you.
Gus, you took Ronnie's lucky brush and used it to attack Portia.
They took away your dreams of officiating.
You were gonna ruin their Olympic career by making sure they would not be able to compete in this qualifier.
And Ronnie was the perfect fall guy.
I'm sorry fall person.
Let's talk about your wife for a second.
The old ball and chain.
Harley didn't even know Ronnie's nickname until I taught him! (CHUCKLING) Oh, nice job.
I have to remind my wife of the players' names every game! Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You know what? Let's take a look at Gus's wedding ring.
Come on, cameraperson.
Get in close.
Here, if you look up to your monitors, you will see that it's not actually a wedding ring at all.
It's actually Gus's ceremonial curling officials ring.
The exact imprint of this ring was found on a hotdog bun at the scene of the crime.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - What?! How is that not in an evidence bag? He should have an evidence bag.
You're an evidence bag.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Whoa! - You okay? - Yep.
Why Gus? Why? Because of a lost job? I had to stop them! They know they cheated.
And they needed to pay the price.
Should Ronnie have paid that price, Gus? No.
She shouldn't have.
Not too much.
Watch out for the suede.
Watch out for the suede.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, I wanna introduce to you the newly innocent Round the House Ronnie! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Okay, the Federation's Commissioner is allowing Ronnie Hart to play the hammer! Be still, my beating heart! - Was that a reference to me? - That is not you.
Oh, my gosh! She'll need to pull off her signature move.
Can she do it, folks? AUDIENCE: Ronnie! Ronnie! Ronnie! Shh, shh! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! Stop! (CHEERING) She did it! (CHEERING) Ronnie Hart has just come back from the brink of disaster and won the Farquhar Women's Curling Invitational! (CHEERING) - Yeah! - Woo! I don't know, what I'm gonna find This is quite the spread.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Old family recipe.
I'm really glad you made it out tonight.
Me too.
And don't worry about Harley and Dave.
They will show.
Fashionably late, but they will be here.
That's, um that's Harley.
Aye-yeah! Come on! Hurry! Harder! - I'm curling! - Harder! You're curling! Aah! (LAUGHING) It ain't easy.
- (IMITATING GUITAR SOLO) - I told you.
All right, take it down a notch, Fruit of the Broom.
You don't wanna pull something.
We'd better head over to Boyle's place.
We're heading into fashionably late time.
(DOOR OPENING LOUDLY) Which one of you is Dave Leigh? Dave Leigh that left me a message regarding one Joyce Warwick Boyle? You're a hard guy to track down.
Fortunately for you, I'm a cop.
And a good one.
Marco Ciccone of the 52nd.
Dave, you wanna tell me how you know an extra from The Shield? Harley Carter, this is Marco Ciccone.
This is Boyle's ex-partner.
I put a phone call in, tried to track him down.
Oh.
Welcome to Bishop.
Yeah, well, this isn't the kind of conversation you can have over the phone.
Joyce Boyle is not to be trusted.
Let me tell ya a little story.
Boyle and I, we worked homicide together.
We get tipped off.
There's this case we're working that intersects with this large drug bust.
Boyle's a bit of a hotshot.
He wants to get in there before the backup hits.
What we walk into ambush.
Set-up.
I get shot in the leg, another cop gets shot dead, and a boat-load of drug money never makes it into evidence.
So Boyle's a dirty cop.
What would you think if you had to work a limp for the rest of your life, bury a cop a good friend and your partner of seven years is the only thing that gets off scot-free, without a scratch? So that's what his sealed disciplinary hearing was about? I tried to get more information but everything's been redacted.
You mean buried.
Joyce doesn't work for ten months, and then he shows up here in Bishop, as the Chief of Police.
You've gotta ask yourselves, what is he runnin' from? You know, I've been tryin' to track him down ever since he skipped town.
And when I got that message from you I thought maybe he knows somethin'.
Maybe you found the money, or or something else that can pin this on him.
So he's here in Bishop laundering money? All the arrows seem to be pointing in one direction.
And if it was up to me, I would look in his office.
My gut? That's where you're gonna find the thing that links him to this crime.
They haven't found the gun that shot me yet.
Why don't the three of us reconnect in the A.
M.
? Concoct a plan to bring this bum down? Yeah.
Please don't let me down (GIGGLING) I got better things to do Than let you hang around When you don't know what you should do Please don't think you've found Someone who will rescue you I don't need your crown I don't need your shades of blue I got so many ways to keep my hands clean I got so many ways to keep myself free It's gonna take a lot more than you To convince me
They kinda all quit talking at the hog line.
ANNOUNCER: They think they can get this with a third of a stone to half a stone Excuse me.
Sorry.
You are not gonna believe Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Did you just sextuple shush me? No talking.
Skip's gotta get the last brick on the pin for the win.
Staying with it all the way (CROWD CHEERING) MAN: Woo-hoo! Wha why are you hugging strangers? Are you the worst Canadian ever in the world? This is the Women's Curling Final! All right? The skipper had to put the hammer on the button for the game and what a win! Anyways, Bishop hosting this year's Farquhar Women's Curling Invitational, which is a qualifier for the Olympics.
Yeah.
Winner gets 250K and it looks like this is gonna be the year of my favourite player, "Round the House" Ronnie Hart! She's the best.
Oh, my God.
She's also the anchor for my fantasy curling league.
- This is why you're single, man.
- Hey.
I'm married to the sheet.
The ice! The ice surface in curling.
The sheet.
Doesn't matter.
Anyways, her signature move is "around the house" and it takes a lot of skill, so check your tone.
Skill?! This is just shuffleboard on ice! - Oh no, you didn't.
- REPORTER: Breaking news.
Olympic curler Camille DeMello is now being released - from St.
Anthony's Hospital - What? following a physical attack last night at Emerald Curling Club.
Okay, well this is interesting.
We go live as rival curler Ronnie Hart is being brought in for police questioning.
Don't worry, honey.
Be strong! No.
Hey, I said no comment! I wanna talk to Harley Carter, no one else.
- (CROWD REACTIONS) - Let me go! What? People don't talk to you through the TV? HARLEY: Ronnie Hart.
Thank you for coming, Mr.
Carter.
Well, last time I was called out like that on TV, I was up for Best Hero at the MTV Movie Awards.
I didn't attack nobody, okay? I'm innocent.
Someone's trying to set me up hard-core to get me out of play in the upcoming competition.
Any idea who this somebody is? No! But it's working.
The Curling Federation is gonna suspend me from play.
They think I actually did this! I'm guessing that cyber bullying doesn't fall in line with the Curling Code of Conduct.
Okay.
So what if I tweeted that Camille was gonna go down, it was gonna hurt real bad.
Whatever.
I was trash talking.
All athletes trash talk, so why am I being singled out? I have worked so hard and I have sacrificed so much.
This is my one chance to qualify for the Olympics.
My one chance.
Do you have any idea what losing that would feel like? I do.
I came within kissing distance of something very special and I blew it.
(SIGHING) You got an alibi for last night? I was at home with my husband George.
Can anyone else verify that? Because husbands tend to cover for wives and vice versa.
Look, you wanna know the real reason I'm here? - Yeah.
- They want me gone.
I'm not the princess they want.
I don't have the right look.
I don't have sponsors.
I'm never gonna be the face of a cereal box, but I am the better player.
My life, and my reputation is on the line, Harley, - and only you can clear my name.
- Why me? I-I I don't know anything about cruising? - Curling.
- Curling.
Because, you got the same raw deal after your Hollywood blow-up.
The world turned on you for a while.
Twitter Twitter hated you.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't that bad.
It was bad.
Oh, yeah.
It was it was funny, but it was bad.
There were some good comments.
It was hate.
It was all hate.
(CLEARING THROAT) But you know, you've built yourself back up, - proved them wrong.
- I did.
It's not easy.
I need you to do that for me, Harley.
- I need a hero.
- Okay.
Ronnie, I'm going to get you - and your broom - Brush.
- and your puck - Stone.
Whatever.
You called Carter and Carter answered.
I'm gonna take your case.
Oh.
So gross.
(DYNAMIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) HARLEY: I know what this is.
This is the spontaneous, not-so-spontaneous sit-down, a little mid-season tête-à -tête, mano y mano.
Just like Pacino and DeNiro in Heat.
- I didn't see it.
- Seriously? DiCaprio and Nicholson in The Departed.
Didn't see that either.
Carrey and Daniels in Dumb and Dumber? Ever heard of premium cable? It's like ten bucks a month.
Look, uh, Carter Let me just cut to the chase, all right? Why didn't anything ever happen between you and Shaw? (SIGHING) Because Sam's the best.
There is no one else like her.
She's been my best friend forever.
And I wouldn't do anything to mess with that.
Good.
And I agree.
There's no one else like her.
She's, uh Shaw's amazing.
As a cop, she outshines a lot.
She's great confidante, she's funny kind.
Lot of adjectives strung together there.
Let me ask you one more question.
You think I'm a bad guy? Like the villain here? You know, the "big bad" in one of your TV shows.
Who's writing the script? You.
Yeah, you and your boy Dave.
Oh no, no, Dave cannot be my co-writer.
He's a terrible typist, just the two fingers Yeah, well I know you both like to do your research, digging deep into people's lives.
You find anything? Well, if I'm writing the J-Boyle biopic and I'm starting page one, scene one, I gotta tell you, I don't think it's the feel-good movie of the year.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Something you don't have to wait for is this.
If any harm or darkness should ever come to Sam from you or anyone else, I would not hesitate to go full Pacino-DeNiro-Schwarzenegger-Van Damme on you or anyone else who caused it.
Scratch that.
I'm gonna go full Harley Carter, the not-safe-for-TV kind.
(LOUD SIPPING) Mmm.
Got the milk and cream ratio just right.
Do you want a sip? Let's set some ground rules.
No drooling and no gawking, especially when we talk to the victim.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No ground rules required.
I'm not exactly Team Camille.
She and her teammates are all pretty-faced egomaniacs in matching stretch pants and UGGs.
They are Cobra Kai to Ronnie's Macchio.
(SCOFFING) You don't have to worry about me, bud.
I'm nothing short of a true professional Oh, yes! Perfect Instagram opportunity! (SHUTTER SNAPPING) Curling, baby! Super professional, hey! Oh, I spy with my little eye, Sam.
So, the security guard confirmed there were no CCTV cameras in the corridors leading to the locker room.
So no footage of the attack? Anyone else getting a Gillooly vibe with this case? Mm, more like a Ronda Rousey - taking out her latest opponent vibe.
- Oh, come on.
Do not tell us you're on the "Ronnie Hart did it" bandwagon.
No, I don't bandwagon, but she's got a weak alibi, she's got a history of unsportsmanlike conduct, and she's known as an enforcer in a sport that has no enforcers.
Sam, the press has it out for her.
She's a champion in underdog's clothing.
All right, I'm just following the evidence, okay? If she is guilty, she's gonna need more of a P.
I.
, even if it is Bishop's Best.
Oh, I was hoping for one of Bishop's Hottest.
(IMITATING SIZZLING) Practice really hard and one day you might make the Olympics like me.
- (GIGGLING) - Miss DeMello, I am Detective Shaw, Bishop Police.
I'm Harley Carter, P.
I.
of the Magnum P.
I.
s.
This is my Jonathan Higgins.
You are much funnier in person than you are on TV.
I like you.
And you-I don't know if I like you yet.
Have you arrested Ronnie Hart for her latest abomination? She attacked me, smashed my foot, shattered my fourth metatarsal.
I can't walk.
I certainly can't curl.
Metatarsal sounds like something you take to stay regular.
I know you're on her side, Harley.
I saw the news, how she begged you to take her "case".
But trust me, once you hear all the heinous details, you will see her for the monster she really is.
Yeah, the monster who's breaking your records - and shattering your streak - Okay.
I'm cool! (LAUGHING) I'm cool.
I'm good.
I'm walkin' away.
If it's all right with you, can you take me through the events of the attack now? (SIGHING) Certainly.
Sorry.
(SIGHING) Well.
I hate to relive this horrible night over again.
(SIGHING) But, I was heading towards the chaise when I sensed a presence.
Suddenly, a masked intruder wearing a black hoodie grabbed me.
I screamed, and that's when the lights were flicked out.
Ronnie Hart smashed me with my own trophy and then fled the scene.
So, this is the assault weapon? DAVE: That's the Golden Curl 2013 Ladies Cup Final.
You beat Sweden 9-2.
So what makes you so sure that it was Ronnie when you just stated that the intruder was masked? 'Cause she was been threatening to hurt me for years.
I told everyone this would happen and it did.
Ask this guy! How did you know I would know? Because you are a grown man wearing a women's curling jersey.
What's the deal with all these hotdog buns? Well, a grabbed a bag of buns to defend myself and I smacked the intruder until the bag burst.
Oh, Gus, darling! GUS: Don't wanna disturb.
Just here to clean up.
SAM: Gus Beamer? The initial police report said that you were the first at the scene? You called the police? Yeah, I got here as fast as I could.
Curling's been my life's work.
Drives my wife nuts.
Now I get to geek out with my fantasy league pals.
What? Dude Fruit of the Broom! In Living Curler.
- No! - A pleasure! You're the guy who took that name! Okay, well, Gus cannot clean an active crime scene.
Sorry.
That's fine.
Hey, stick around.
We can talk rocks later.
GUS: All right.
Rocked and loaded.
So, Gus was the only one that you spoke to? No, I had a meeting right before the attack with Oscar Farquhar.
The guy who owns the car dealership in town? Oh, uh Oscar Farquhar, it's great casting.
He looks exactly like you would think a car dealer would look like.
You'll see it when you meet him.
He's sponsoring the upcoming Ladies Invitational.
We need his money but that man has some serious anger issues.
Are you or any of the other players afraid of him? If you ask me, darling, you already have the culprit of my attack H-A-R-T.
Well, why don't you let me conduct my own investigation, okay? Darling? I'm gonna go question Farquhar.
Camille's teammates are about to take the ice.
We'll see if we can get something out of them, help us crack the case.
Okay, I will see you back at the station.
Oh, uh, Boyle is having a seafood boil, uh, at the Wreck, and he wanted me to invite you guys.
Something about soft shells and shrimp and just like a casual hang? Sorry, my lobster bib is at the cleaner's.
- What is with the attitude? - No attitude.
It's just, why is Boyle suddenly playing host? Yeah.
I didn't even know he had any friends.
I'm not asking you guys to pal around with him, but I did think I could count on my two best friends to be polite and show up to my boss's party.
What is with you and Boyle? You know what? Count me in, Sam.
Anything for you.
It would really mean a lot to me if you would come too.
Fine.
You want me there, I'll be there.
I'll bring the "whine".
Sorry, that joke looked a lot funnier on the page.
(SIGHING) DAVE: Why are you so hard on the writers? What are you looking at? Ronnie is the one we should be concentrating on.
What is this article about? Oh, yeah.
That was a bad game for Camille.
Some new official accused her of cheating.
150K on the line.
Camille freaked, caused a huge scene.
Did she actually cheat? Depends on who you ask, but yeah, she did.
Still won though.
Her team backed it up, pinned it on a bad call.
Ultimately, the official was fired, driven out of the game entirely.
That's how powerful this team is.
Seems that Ronnie is not the only hothead on the ice.
- (SHOUTING) - Who's that? That is Portia Quintano, Camille's second.
Total Mean Girl.
Looks like Portia has been promoted as the new skip.
It's the understudy that always has the most to gain from taking out the star.
I once understudied John Stamos in a national tour of Cabaret and I put a little peanut inside of his Greek salad.
If he had been allergic, it would've been me who was "velkomming" the crowd that night.
I smell motive.
And stale beer but mostly motive.
Let's go talk to the new skip.
Here.
I had a thousand of those printed, and now I can't give them away.
You can keep that one.
Why would I spend all that money if I was gonna take Camille out? This whole scandal's been nothing but a money pit for me, and it's all Hart's fault.
That's where you should be lookin'.
- What makes you say that? - The whole family's a mess! I had to repossess her mother's car.
The Harts are having money trouble? Heck, yeah! All Ronnie ever talked about was what she'd do with the prize money.
Knocking out Camille's a pretty sure-fire way to nab it.
(SIGHING) Sorry to interrupt.
But you should see this.
Oh, yeah.
That's Curl-y Q's curling blog.
Great blog for all things curling.
You got your team stats, bios, trade information.
The last post was actually about Camille's attack.
Yeah, but Camille was attacked with her Golden Stone trophy.
That detail was never made public.
Nice catch, Rafalski.
Any idea who this Curl-Y Q is? Blogger's anonymous.
Not for long.
Harder! Harder! Skip directs the sweepers.
Ah, directing.
Now you're talkin' my language.
Action! You gain points by getting your stone closest to the centre.
Team with the most points wins.
I mean, it's all about strategy and athleticism! Athleticism? Still, a sport where Patton Oswalt and Paul Giamatti could be champions.
You wanna help me out, Dave? Here we go.
It's not that slippery.
- Here we go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh! Ow! - Practice is in session.
Clear the ice! Uh, we actually wanted to talk to you about the attack.
Oh, are you the police? Uh, no.
We're private investigators.
Well, I'm a private investigator.
He's just a fan.
Well, if you're not the police then I don't have to answer any questions.
So, please.
Get out of my eyeline.
I am busy trying to get my team ready for the championship.
Come on, girls! Thought you said this was an honour-based sport.
That is pure ire decked out in Tiffany studs.
Did you notice how she's calling it "her" team already? Mm-hm.
Portia would never progress if Camille was playing.
She doesn't have the talent.
She's curling's Anna Kournikova.
Looking like my understudy theory is bang-on.
Mm-hm.
HARLEY: Black hoodie.
We have to get ready - to follow our new suspect.
- Yeah, let's go.
- Help me out.
- What? Come on.
- Please Dave.
- Come on.
It's not that slippery.
What are you doing? So that's the house that curling built.
More like the house that cheating built.
(PHONE RINGING) Hey, Sam.
What's goin' on with Farquhar? I got a lead from him on this blogger Curl-Y Q who had insider information about the crime.
I had an ISP provider get me the address assigned to the internet connection.
All right, let me just grab a pen and paper.
What is this, 1995? No, that's the year I claim I was born.
You know what? Dave's gonna write it down.
Shoot.
The home address connected to the blog is 1405 Windsor Lane.
We just followed Camille's teammate Portia to that exact home address.
Sam, this is the moment in the episode where the two separate leads converge in a glorious win.
Cue the music! Okay.
Whew.
Alright.
- Start with some questioning - Mm-hm.
And then we'll ask if we can use the bathroom.
Actually, you know what? Let's ask if we can use the bathroom and then we'll go into the questioning.
Sorry, I drank a lot of that sports drink in one of those sports bottles.
I just wanna know why all of the options have you and me sharing a bathroom.
Wow.
You really have nothing better to do than stalk me? Look who it is the new skip who tried to skip out on our questioning.
Well, you can't skip out on us this time.
(CHUCKLING) Unless you know how to double-Dutch, which is something I never learned.
Look, Portia, we know you attacked Camille in that same black hoodie and then you came home and you bragged about it online.
Yep.
We traced the Curl-Y Q blog to a computer working from this address.
That is actually insane because Camille is my mentor.
- I would never hurt her.
- Leave the acting to me.
I didn't do it.
I don't "blog".
Mom, I defrosted your beef bourguignon Maybe you don't blog, but I'm gonna bet your daughter does.
Suzy.
Look, no one in here believes you're behind the attack, okay? We just have a few questions that we need you to answer, so don't be nervous.
Why would I be nervous to answer questions from a cop who clearly spends more time in the gym than on the job? The pecs gave it away.
It was leg day.
Could I have a try? I speak kid.
Have at it.
Yeah, gettin' hot in here, isn't it? You want your little Hello Kitty pen? Maybe you're getting thirsty, want a juice box.
You know what? Enough small talk.
You say you write your blog and not your mommy.
- Yes.
- Well, it's a pretty big girl blog for such a little girl to be writing.
Where'd you learn to write like that? School.
Duh! Oh, well you used some big girl words like "calamity", "intermittent", "non 'shall'ance"? It's pronounced "nonchalance".
Aren't you an actor? Weren't you privately tutored on set? (SEETHING) Okay.
Uh, Suzy, how did you know that Camille got injured by her trophy? Because we never made that detail public.
I ain't divulging my sources.
Snitches get stitches.
She has a point.
You cannot keep critical information about a violent attack to yourself.
So, either somebody told you about the trophy, or you saw it.
Wait, Suzy, how did you know? Were you at the rink? Did you sneak out of your father's house again last night? Tell me right now or you can kiss your laptop goodbye for a month.
It was Ronnie! She told me and said not to tell anyone.
So what-now you're saying I'm a liar? Yeah, you're calling my wife a liar? What I'm saying is I have faith in my clients, but that faith gets rattled when I find out they've been lying and you lied.
You were not home last night.
We have an eye witness that puts you at the rink at the time of the attack.
Well, why don't you tell them why you were there yesterday? Oh, wait.
What was it you didn't want me to tell the cops? (SIGHING) - Was that eye witness Suzy Quintano? - Mm-hm.
Ronnie, help me out here and we can meet you halfway.
I was at the rink last night giving Suzy private curling lessons, okay? But sometimes we just like, talk, though.
She needed an ear that wasn't always her mom and she she told me I was her role model and it sort of like, melted me.
I know her parents are going through a really crappy divorce right now and I wanted to give the kid an outlet because I think she's got talent.
I didn't tell you guys earlier because I knew saying I was at the rink made it look worse for me.
Hey, why wouldn't anyone want Ronnie teaching their kid? You know, she's like Bishop's LeBron James.
- Stop.
- Except, you know, shorter, and a lady, and a curler.
Well, not like LeBron.
How did you know that the trophy was the assault weapon? I overheard security talking about it when they searched the venue.
And that was during the lesson? No.
We'd already finished.
Suzy had to use the little girls' room and I was waiting for her so I could drive her back to her dad.
All right, so that should clear her! Actually, that puts her at the scene of the crime with an opportunity to slip off of the rink, hurt Camille, and then make it back unseen to drive Suzy home.
We know you have the means and the motive.
Now we can add opportunity.
Just waiting on our smoking gun.
Gun? What? Detective Shaw doesn't believe me, huh, Harley? I can't stand the world thinking I'm guilty.
I might be able to help you with that.
That is a great question and here is a great answer.
Hell, yes! I have been ready for this since I was 12 years old.
My team is Olympic ready and I am Whoa, whoa, hey! What's up, everybody! No, no, no.
This is my press conference.
I don't think you had dibs.
Hey, everybody! You all know me, Harley Carter.
(CHEERING) I'm here to tell you that my client, Ronnie Hart, has been doubted, her name dragged through the mud.
- Yep.
- We're gonna clear her name.
Ronnie's gonna get back on the ice, and then Ronnie's gonna win! Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you, the one, the only, Round the House Ronnie! (CHEERING) Harley didn't even know Ronnie's nickname until I taught him.
(CHUCKLING) Nice work.
I have to remind my wife of the players' names every game! - CROWD: Ronnie! Ronnie! - Stop! Okay.
No questions.
- All right, one question.
- Any comment on the rumours Keegan-Michael Key is on the new short list - to take over Call Carter? - And no more questions! I have a question.
Why doesn't Ronnie just admit that she attacked Camille to win the Invitational? I don't need to make cheap shots to win, unlike you, who had to take Camille out to finally make skip.
(SCOFFING) Maybe we should leave Suzy's lessons to someone more qualified.
If someone landed a shot rock over a hogged stone, I would.
- What did you just say?! - (CROWD REACTIONS) (YELLING OVER EACH OTHER) Dave, Dave a little help? This is turning into an episode of GLOW! - Help, please.
- Let me go! You're dead.
You hear me? Dead! You don't wanna be shouting things like that.
They usually come back to bite you in the next act.
Hello? (URGENTLY) Hello? (THUMPING) (SCREAMING) Ow! My leg! Portia is in the hospital after being attacked last night, and this was found at the crime scene, your fingerprints all over it.
Your initials etched on the handle is not really helping either.
I have no idea how my lucky brush ended up on the ice last night, okay? It's like I've said this entire time.
Someone is trying to frame me.
What more proof do you need? Where were you last night, Ronnie? I was at home, cold calling.
I work part-time selling reusable cat litter - to help pay the bills.
- At home? That is exactly what you told us after Camille was attacked and that turned out to be a lie, so, nice touch with the cat litter, but I'm not buying it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I wanna hear more about this reusable kitty litter before you shoot it down.
I meant I'm not buying the story.
Hey.
What's the plan, Harley? How are you gonna get me outta this? In my experience, when you really want someone to be innocent, you tend to let your feelings get in the way of the facts.
At this point, you are not helping her by helping her.
I made a promise.
Ronnie, if it wasn't you, who else had access to your equipment? (ROCKABILLY MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, oh, oh.
Uh what are you doing? What do you say we sashay on over there and go hustle this guy? I didn't come here to watch you act out scenes from The Color of Money.
Oh.
I do a pretty good Tom Cruise.
- (SNICKERING) - That's not bad.
HARLEY: What's up, Georgie? SAM: Hiya.
Hey Mr.
Carter.
I'd actually I'd prefer to be alone.
My wife just got arrested.
Mmm, we are aware.
Well, shouldn't you be working her case? Because Ronnie didn't do anything.
Who did? Any thoughts? What do ya say we rack these babies up and then nutshell this? Yeah! Talk over some leads.
You know, Jorge, I was married once.
Didn't end too well.
Cost me a fortune.
But there are two things you gotta know when you're in a marriage.
The first self-grooming.
Muy importante.
The second, communication.
If you're gonna be late, you gotta let your spouse know.
They appreciate it.
You didn't do that last night, did you? (CLATTER, GLASS SHATTERING) - MAN: Oh! Nice job, buddy! - I'm sorry? Ronnie said that you were out late last night and never said where you went.
Where'd you go, Georgie? Think before you answer.
Okay, here we go.
Corner pocket! Wait, what's going in the corner pocket? The pool ball.
- Actually, it was my turn? - That it is.
Where were you, George? Questions only get harder as we go along.
I love my wife.
You've made that crystal clear.
You'd do anything for her.
Wait what do you two think you think you know? What do you think we think we think we know? I think you think You think we're thinking of something totally different than you're thinking of.
- Well, what? - Think about this.
Our minds were thinking of you thinking about what you were gonna think about - what you were gonna think.
- I think you think that I took Ronnie's curling brush and did something with it, which I didn't.
We've spent a lot of time thinking about what you were gonna be thinking about and it made us think (WHISPERING) what were you thinking about? Okay.
Enough.
All right? Ronnie told us, George.
Come on.
Your wife does not want you to get into any more trouble than you're already in.
I'm sorry.
Okay, I I did it.
Nobody was supposed to get hurt! I was just supposed to give him the brush! SAM AND HARLEY: Who's him? It's the day of the Invitationals, Oscar.
The Federation always gives out the trophies, not the sponsor.
But Madame Commissioner, don't you think that given the chunk of money that I personally - SAM: Sorry to interrupt.
- I'm not sorry.
We are here on behalf of my client, Ronnie Hart, who is 100% innocent, because we now know the identity of the real attacker.
As the late, great, Koji Yasuda once said, "follow the money".
Isn't that right, Farquhar? I'm not behind these attacks! Publicity gets drummed up, ticket sales go up, and you get a hefty percentage of those ticket sales, don't you, Farquhar? What are you talking about? Did you not ask George Hart to bring you Ronnie's curling brush? It was a business opportunity! I told George to leave her brush for me in her locker.
The silver lining, I thought, was selling the thing! You know, people pay top dollar for sports memorabilia - that belongs to a convicted athlete.
- Hey! No one's been convicted, Pinstripes.
Okay, I'm not the enemy here, okay? I never even saw the brush! When I got to her locker, it wasn't there.
Well, how many people do you think had access to Ronnie's locker? Day of the championship? More than Farquhar.
(WRAPPING ON TABLE) - Whoa! Judge Judy! - This is the last straw.
Miss Hart, in light of no new evidence or suspect, I have no choice but to activate your ban.
You will not compete in today's bonspiel.
No, no, no.
Please reconsider, Madame.
It is tough enough out there for female athletes when fans care more about our looks than our skills sometimes.
All I wanted was to be taken seriously for who I am and my talent.
Please.
Miss Hart you will not represent our sport on our sheets or any other sheets today.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot to do before the competition begins.
I think I'm gonna pass out.
I'm so sorry, Ronnie.
We gotta go back to the scene.
We have to reinvestigate, see if we missed something.
No, no, no.
It's too late, Harley.
We tried.
But this is my fate.
Okay? I'm done.
I've got no more fight left in me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's no way for a soon-to-be Olympian to be talking.
I want you to grab your gear and I want you to go wait by the ice, because you are going to play in the schp schpull buh.
What? The spielball.
Oh, the bonspiel.
Bonspiel.
I'm sorry, I wanted to say that word all episode.
Goooood afternoon, Bishop, and welcome to the Farquhar Women's Curling Invitational! I'm Wes Holmes, Bishop's resident forensic expert and son of Manitoba's eight-time women's curling champion, Madge Holmes.
Wow, what a claim to fame, Wes.
And I'm Delilah Halsey, and I was roped into this because I'm mouthy, hot to trot, and a glutton for punishment.
WES: Coin tosses are underrated.
Yes! Looks like Team Camille has won the toss and we are off to the races! So much controversy surrounding these ladies.
Both teams playing new skips.
But that's all behind us now as both teams take the ice! Well, my money is on the mean girls 'cause they look feisty.
(AUDIENCE SHOUTING) Lay off the rock, let's see where this stone will land.
Who knows and who cares, 'cause in my mind, I'm already at home with a big bowl of Jamoca Almond Fudge and maybe some ice cream.
- Oh, and it hits the button! - (CHEERING) Dead centre! The perfect start for the reason we're all alive today! Folks, I work with this guy in a very dark room with some very dead bodies, so And we're also sort of a couple.
Oh, we are not a couple.
Well, intimacy has a way of rearing its head - in delicate ways.
- All right.
Action! Camille walks toward the chaise lounge.
I, intruder, enter, come up behind Camille, struggle ensues Okay, so if you're coming through the door, then you're able to grab a hold of me, so you probably grab my shoulder with one hand, and then your other hand to the small of my back so you can spin me around.
(BREATHLESSLY) Oh.
Harley, come on.
Put your hand right here.
Spin me around.
And then the lights go out.
- SAM: Dave? - DAVE: Yeah? This is a re-enactment.
You don't actually have to turn the lights off.
(CROWD NOISES FROM RINK) HARLEY: Who do you think's winning right now? (CHEERING) Ooh, they cannot be happy with that release or that sweep! You know, I am confused and bored, but that looks like a major blunder, Wes.
I gotta tell ya, Delilah, Team Hart could really use some of that Ronnie Hart magic right about now.
(GASPING) That's it.
What if Camille wasn't the only person on the ground?! What if in the dark, the intruder slipped, fell, hit the deck? And Camille wouldn't know about it because the lights were off, so it wouldn't be in her testimony.
Okay, look.
The buns, the buns, look at the buns.
The buns.
Buns, buns Buns.
The buns.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! I know who did it! Who? Oh, hello? Oh, what's that? You don't want me to tell them until after the commercial break? (CHUCKLING) Okay.
Cut.
Print.
WES: Team Camille take the lead nine to six.
Team Hart now possess the last stone.
Oh, my stars and garters! (CHUCKLING) Garters, yeah.
I knew there was some cake - behind all that vanilla.
- I'm officially uncomfortable - and a little turned on.
- Mission accomplished.
Whoa! Oh-ho! Stop the game.
- Delilah, hit me.
- We speak the language.
Oh! Wow! Thank you, Delilah.
There's no such thing as a perfect crime, even if it is six years in the making.
Isn't that right, handyman Gus? (SUSPENSE CUE PLAYING) You know, Gus, you said something super weird to me.
Curling's been my life's work.
It was a really odd thing for a handyman to say, but you weren't always a handyman, were you, Gus? Let's take a walk down Memory Lane.
Yeah, goin' down Memory Lane.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah! He's got the moves, right? He should move off of the rink.
Ha-ha! Six years ago, Gus was rockin' a really sweet moustache and he was also a curling official.
The last match he officiated was the Golden Curl.
This rock is out of play! He made a call a good call.
- It was a burnt rock.
- Zero points Camille disputed it.
Portia backed her up.
Gus was fired.
The girls stood to lose $150,000 if that call stood.
It was overturned, your career was ruined, and they didn't even break a nail.
Let's see that Golden Curl trophy! You're kind of a "Golden Curled" I can't hear you when he's here.
This is also the trophy that was used to break Camille's mm meta-scorpal? - Metatarsal.
- Marsupial.
- "Meta" - Meta? tarsal.
- He's not gonna get it.
- He'll get it.
Meh metar ALL: Metatarsal! - Metatarsal! - DELILAH: You got it.
Thank you.
Gus, you took Ronnie's lucky brush and used it to attack Portia.
They took away your dreams of officiating.
You were gonna ruin their Olympic career by making sure they would not be able to compete in this qualifier.
And Ronnie was the perfect fall guy.
I'm sorry fall person.
Let's talk about your wife for a second.
The old ball and chain.
Harley didn't even know Ronnie's nickname until I taught him! (CHUCKLING) Oh, nice job.
I have to remind my wife of the players' names every game! Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You know what? Let's take a look at Gus's wedding ring.
Come on, cameraperson.
Get in close.
Here, if you look up to your monitors, you will see that it's not actually a wedding ring at all.
It's actually Gus's ceremonial curling officials ring.
The exact imprint of this ring was found on a hotdog bun at the scene of the crime.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - What?! How is that not in an evidence bag? He should have an evidence bag.
You're an evidence bag.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Whoa! - You okay? - Yep.
Why Gus? Why? Because of a lost job? I had to stop them! They know they cheated.
And they needed to pay the price.
Should Ronnie have paid that price, Gus? No.
She shouldn't have.
Not too much.
Watch out for the suede.
Watch out for the suede.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, I wanna introduce to you the newly innocent Round the House Ronnie! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Okay, the Federation's Commissioner is allowing Ronnie Hart to play the hammer! Be still, my beating heart! - Was that a reference to me? - That is not you.
Oh, my gosh! She'll need to pull off her signature move.
Can she do it, folks? AUDIENCE: Ronnie! Ronnie! Ronnie! Shh, shh! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! Stop! (CHEERING) She did it! (CHEERING) Ronnie Hart has just come back from the brink of disaster and won the Farquhar Women's Curling Invitational! (CHEERING) - Yeah! - Woo! I don't know, what I'm gonna find This is quite the spread.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Old family recipe.
I'm really glad you made it out tonight.
Me too.
And don't worry about Harley and Dave.
They will show.
Fashionably late, but they will be here.
That's, um that's Harley.
Aye-yeah! Come on! Hurry! Harder! - I'm curling! - Harder! You're curling! Aah! (LAUGHING) It ain't easy.
- (IMITATING GUITAR SOLO) - I told you.
All right, take it down a notch, Fruit of the Broom.
You don't wanna pull something.
We'd better head over to Boyle's place.
We're heading into fashionably late time.
(DOOR OPENING LOUDLY) Which one of you is Dave Leigh? Dave Leigh that left me a message regarding one Joyce Warwick Boyle? You're a hard guy to track down.
Fortunately for you, I'm a cop.
And a good one.
Marco Ciccone of the 52nd.
Dave, you wanna tell me how you know an extra from The Shield? Harley Carter, this is Marco Ciccone.
This is Boyle's ex-partner.
I put a phone call in, tried to track him down.
Oh.
Welcome to Bishop.
Yeah, well, this isn't the kind of conversation you can have over the phone.
Joyce Boyle is not to be trusted.
Let me tell ya a little story.
Boyle and I, we worked homicide together.
We get tipped off.
There's this case we're working that intersects with this large drug bust.
Boyle's a bit of a hotshot.
He wants to get in there before the backup hits.
What we walk into ambush.
Set-up.
I get shot in the leg, another cop gets shot dead, and a boat-load of drug money never makes it into evidence.
So Boyle's a dirty cop.
What would you think if you had to work a limp for the rest of your life, bury a cop a good friend and your partner of seven years is the only thing that gets off scot-free, without a scratch? So that's what his sealed disciplinary hearing was about? I tried to get more information but everything's been redacted.
You mean buried.
Joyce doesn't work for ten months, and then he shows up here in Bishop, as the Chief of Police.
You've gotta ask yourselves, what is he runnin' from? You know, I've been tryin' to track him down ever since he skipped town.
And when I got that message from you I thought maybe he knows somethin'.
Maybe you found the money, or or something else that can pin this on him.
So he's here in Bishop laundering money? All the arrows seem to be pointing in one direction.
And if it was up to me, I would look in his office.
My gut? That's where you're gonna find the thing that links him to this crime.
They haven't found the gun that shot me yet.
Why don't the three of us reconnect in the A.
M.
? Concoct a plan to bring this bum down? Yeah.
Please don't let me down (GIGGLING) I got better things to do Than let you hang around When you don't know what you should do Please don't think you've found Someone who will rescue you I don't need your crown I don't need your shades of blue I got so many ways to keep my hands clean I got so many ways to keep myself free It's gonna take a lot more than you To convince me