Casual (2015) s02e07 Episode Script
Threesomes
1 ALEX: Previously on "Casual" My ex-girlfriend is marrying my new business partner.
Okay.
I thought she was in a mental institution in Oklahoma.
I'm with someone I love.
The person you love is trying to take over my company.
This man that I met at Jennifer's game night - just showed up at my office.
- Yikes.
VALERIE: But not for therapy.
- I think just to flirt.
- Come in.
PAZ: Spencer's gone back into treatment.
It would be nice if some of you could put together a care package for him.
Laura and I can do it.
Spencer's care package.
- LAURA: A bra shot? - [camera shutter clicks.]
JENNIFER: You have plans this weekend? - Nothin' really.
- No? JENNIFER: You should call Harry.
- [phone chimes.]
- Jennifer? You too? What is this? Our Relationship Disclosure form.
- We fucked once.
- I've already informed Jordan.
Jordan knows about this? Stop trying to make me jealous.
I'm not that girl anymore and nothing you do is gonna bring her back.
Holy shit.
It worked.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
[laughs.]
Not bad.
Waze or unnecessary eye contact? - Ah, the Walter White joke.
- Yeah, there was a there was a fly in my office.
Little dated, but it plays.
Good pacing, though.
Solid banter.
And no emojis.
You're off emojis? They're so desperately cutesy.
Oh.
The girls I date don't complain.
You date children.
Oh, right.
Have you made plans with him? Nope.
Just playing it by ear.
- You've come so far.
- Thank you.
Can I have my phone back, please? LAURA: How's Harry? Uh, I'm sure he's fine.
Who's Harry? Some doctor my mom slept with.
- Laura - And this is Jack.
They haven't slept together.
Okay.
Thanks.
That's enough.
Well, we should go anyway.
- Thanks for breakfast.
- Sure.
[sighs.]
How about that? What? She made a friend.
[phone buzzes.]
[light music.]
I got to be honest with you, I'm a little confused here.
About what? Your relationship with Fallon.
Millennials, right? So quick to make it HR official.
Uh, you're a partner in this company.
Guy who started it all.
And you don't find this behavior at all I don't know inappropriate? I'm not following.
She's your subordinate.
And my assistant.
Come on, you can you can understand why people might be concerned.
I think people who know me and Fallon will understand.
Mm.
So there's there's nothing else behind this, then? Just want us all to be happy.
Well Okay.
[phone rings.]
- It's hard to uninclude people.
- Mm-hmm.
I know.
SARAH: I do think this is this is the final list, though.
You said that last time.
Sarah.
Love that shirt.
It's very fetching.
[chuckles.]
That's a fun word to say.
Fetching.
Hey, I was thinking, there's this restaurant I've been dying to try.
It's Korean food in big metal pots.
You interested? - Totally.
- Great.
I will swing by your desk at 7:00.
Special delivery.
Who are they from? Harry.
Aw, that's that's really nice.
Not necessarily.
My sister dated a plastic surgeon who sent her flowers and then two weeks later, he died.
Hi.
[gasps.]
Wow.
Look at those.
Yeah.
- Am I ungrateful? - Possibly.
Well, I haven't had the most discerning taste since Drew.
Harry is great.
He's stable and loyal and reliable.
Yeah, those are all good qualities.
But? So, um, Jack came by the office.
For a session? More like a date under the guise of a session.
Oh.
He always loves a grand gesture.
It was charming.
Sure, it was.
But you know that he can sustain a relationship about as long as he can probably hold a boombox over his head.
Yeah, but everyone remembers the boombox.
He told you his near-plane-crash story? - Yeah, among other things.
- Yeah.
But I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
I get it.
I just don't want to see you get hurt.
I mean, Harry is great, and I'm really grateful that you set me up with him.
You know, um, Harry's giving a lecture on autism tomorrow night.
We're all gonna go, take him out for drinks, celebrate him and his colleagues afterwards.
- You should come.
- Well, I don't want to intrude.
You wouldn't be.
Not at all, trust me.
No, he would love it.
We all would.
[door shuts.]
- LAURA: Hey.
- SPENCER: Hey.
No love for our care package? Oh, you mean your bra pictures? - Yeah, I deleted those.
- Why? Low light? Yeah, not trying to spend my last six months in jail for kiddie porn.
Six months? Seriously? I retire with Kobe.
I was a little scared at first, but it turns out that it's just this teeny tiny rubber hammer that smashes your nasal bones.
This is for snoring? She said it was this or suffocating me with a pillow.
[chuckles, snorts.]
And the tiny upturn here is just an added bonus.
Okay, well, I think I want to pick up here next week.
- We have a lot to mine.
- Oh, oh, I, uh I actually can't make our usual time next week.
I, um, I have a consult about a chin augmentation.
Anthony Lauren just wants me to talk to someone about it.
Okay? I probably won't do it, but it's good to get the information.
[sighs.]
- All right.
- Yep.
- Well, have a good weekend.
- You too.
Be safe.
Okay.
Make sure to get Anthony in next week.
Any day, any hour.
I'll make time.
[chuckles.]
Oh.
[inhales deeply.]
[exhales.]
[knocking on door.]
[Marion Black's "Who Knows" playing.]
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Maybe sunshine and maybe rain But as for me, I'll wait and see And maybe it'll bring my love to me Who knows? Who knows? Who knows any better than I That it's she who's keeping me alive? Keeping the little girl as my goal Makes my life worth living, you know Another day Another day, just another day I wanna live To share the love that only she can give And if she don't come on home I pray the Lord will help me carry on Oh, my God.
[moaning.]
Just another day Yeah.
Ah.
Ah.
[moaning.]
[both moan loudly.]
[panting.]
[laughing.]
What? [laughing.]
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'll take that.
- JACK: You know what word I hate? - Hmm? JACK: Pamphlet.
[laughs.]
JACK: No, it really is sickening, if you really think about it.
And I don't know what's worse, the "pamph" or the "phlet.
" [water shuts off.]
[sighs.]
Where you going? I'm going back to work.
[ice clinks.]
You just got here.
[light music.]
[light music.]
Sorry about the pictures.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
And your cancer.
That sucks.
Yeah.
It's not great.
- What's it like? - Cancer? Knowing you're gonna die? We're all gonna die, but I'm just doing it quicker.
Well, at least you'll go out in your prime.
Right.
Yeah, leaving on a real high note.
I'd like to go out on a high note.
Maybe I'll off myself with you in solidarity.
Wow.
That's sweet.
So six months, huh? Yeah.
What are you gonna do? Uh, I got a couple ideas.
Bucket list? When my life flashes before my eyes, I want to have done enough cool shit to give myself a show.
Oh, look at that.
It's like a toboggan full of kimchi.
Mm.
Lot of Koreans in here, huh? Yeah.
That means it's authentic.
Korean to white ratio is very promising.
Yeah, just saying, lot of Koreans.
There's no need for that.
- For what? - Whatever that was.
Racism? Is that what you're saying? Because it's actually more racist to think that's racist.
Oh.
How do you figure? It's like how Americans think it's insulting to call Mexicans "Mexican.
" As if it's an insult to actually be from Mexico.
It's just their ingrained sense of superiority shabbily masked behind political correctness that really highlights our latent racist views.
Maybe it was just your tone of voice.
Yeah, we should get some drinks.
Hey, can I get a whiskey? Neat.
Double, please.
And for you, Miss? A Negroni.
Instructions.
Okay.
Always get it wrong.
Isn't it just gin, Campari, and vermouth? And an orange twist.
Doesn't seem that complicated.
Even the most capable-seeming people can be useless.
Take my coworkers, just riding Jordan's coattails.
They act like I'm some dumb assistant, but I went to Michigan.
And oh, my God, Sarah She made me plan the entire engagement party.
Like that's a part of my job description.
Totally sexist.
If I was a man, she never would have asked me.
Did I say double? I'm gonna go check.
You should come with me.
Huh? To the engagement party.
What better way to show Jordan and Sarah how happy we are together? Yeah.
Okay.
- But first, kimchi.
- Mmm.
[lighter clicks.]
VALERIE: Do you do this often? Invite women that you barely know onto hotel roofs? Would you believe me if I told you you were the first? Nope.
And hey, I do know you.
[laughs.]
- Oh, you do? - Sure.
Mm.
Okay.
What do you what do you know? I know this isn't your thing.
No.
But you're good at it.
Thank you.
And you were laughing downstairs because you were happy and you haven't had a lot of those moments lately.
No, I haven't.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm.
So I'm gonna ask you a quick question.
Okay.
Can you name the happiest minute of your life? Um, I don't know.
My wedding day.
No.
Too obvious.
Too obvious.
Okay.
Um When Laura was a baby, she cried all the time, and we were living in this shithole apartment in Encino and and it was it was the kind of cry where you didn't think there was any possible way she could be okay, or that anything would ever be okay ever again.
And one morning, Drew took her out just to give me a break and before I knew it, I I don't even know.
I don't think I knew what I was doing.
I had packed a bag and I got in the car and I just started driving north.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Did you know where you were going? No.
No.
But when I got past Santa Barbara, I saw this sign.
Wait.
Was it for Anderson's Pea Soup? Holy shit.
Was it? [laughs.]
[laughs.]
Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, it was.
It was relentless.
It was like "Anderson's Pea Soup, 54 miles.
32 miles.
14 miles.
- And you stopped? - Of course.
I mean I told myself that everything would be okay if I could just make it to the soup.
How was it? - It was terrible.
- No.
[laughs.]
It was just covered in toppings bacon, cheddar, sour cream, it was - Oh, fuck.
Like a baked potato? - Exactly.
It's like they spend 50 miles advertising this one fucking thing and then you get there and it's like they're doing everything they can to try to cover it up.
Nothing's ever as good as you think it's gonna be.
What'd you do? Uh I ate the soup and then I turned the car around, drove home.
Walked in the front door.
And Drew had Laura in the high chair and she was still crying.
And I just knew that everything was gonna be okay.
That was my best minute.
Never told anyone that before.
Not even Drew.
I want to see you again.
Okay.
JACK: Tomorrow? Can't tomorrow.
Aw.
Why not? Because I'm going out with your friend Harry.
Ah.
You're the next one up.
- What does that mean? - [sighs.]
Jennifer put you two together, right? - Yeah.
- She's always trying.
I guess I respect her perseverance.
Come on.
He's cute.
JACK: Not when he drunk texts.
Come over afterwards.
We can laugh about it.
We'll see.
I think we should have sex with Spencer.
[chuckles.]
Oh, are you serious? I mean, the kid's dying.
It's the least we could do.
I can think of less.
You ever had a threesome? - No.
- Me neither.
It'd be the perfect opportunity.
Two girls who want to have a threesome don't lack for opportunity.
Not with someone who's dying.
That's a selling point how? You don't think it would be fun? One night, we do whatever we want with him, and that's it.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
- Yeah? - Sure.
Why not? [door opens.]
[chuckling.]
Guess where I was.
Jack? [laughs.]
How was it? It was so fun.
Oh, Mom.
Yeah.
Who wants pizza? We should get pizza, right? Like, a few pizzas.
I'm I'm gonna get a pizza.
Do you want pizza? - Hey.
- Hey.
We have an idea.
What kind of idea? Hi.
Okay.
What what do we think? Too short for a room full of pediatricians? ALEX: No.
They're used to two-year-olds running around the waiting room, Porky-Pigging it.
[phone chimes.]
- Ugh.
- What? Emojis.
Two beers, a frog, and a-a crying cat.
Harry? What's the matter? I just I don't know.
- I should have said no.
- Why didn't you? Because I wanted to hang out with Jennifer.
And also make Jack a little bit jealous.
Okay.
But then he said that Harry has this drunk texting problem and I mean, what the fuck is crying cat? What is that? Am I crying cat? I don't want to be crying cat.
- You're not crying cat.
- Well, it's a bad start.
So hang for a bit.
See if it gets worse.
He won't drunk text if you're with him.
[door opens.]
Hi.
You both look nice.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, Spencer, my mom and uncle.
Mom and Uncle, Spencer.
- Hi, there.
- Welcome.
Hi.
You guys can go up.
More friends.
Oh, don't get too attached.
Cancer kid.
[phone chimes.]
Oh, shit.
Uber's here.
Where are you going? - Out.
- Out where? This is one of those times you'd rather not know.
Okay.
Fine.
Then I'll stay.
I mean, since Laura's friend has cancer.
Val, he'll have cancer whether you stay or not.
ALEX: Bye-bye.
[jazzy music.]
Alex.
- Fallon.
Hey.
- Hey.
- You came.
- Wouldn't have missed it.
- You look great.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
For the happy couple.
Went off registry for this one.
[chuckles.]
That's totally unnecessary.
The cow was more than enough.
It was 100, but who's counting? Sarah, you look lovely.
Thank you, Alex.
Can I get anyone a drink? Absolutely.
I will do a bourbon.
Neat.
And Negroni, orange twist, equal parts vermouth and Campari.
Perfect.
WAITER: Great.
I'll be right back with that.
[alt rock music playing.]
So, uh, how does this work? Do I make an open bid or, like, a proposal? All right, well, if we could avoid transactional references, - that'd be great.
- Right.
Sorry.
Let's just enjoy ourselves.
We should, you know, set some ground rules first.
Right? Also, pass me that.
Oh, sure.
- Condoms are a must.
- Obviously.
Okay, uh, what about kissing? I like kissing.
You okay? Oh.
First-time jitters.
That's all.
We can slow down, if you want.
No, it's let's have fun with it.
Okay, then.
[upbeat music playing.]
'Cause we got the same kind of thing going on [phone chimes.]
We got the same kind of thing going on So we go into business together We'll have a love that [sighs.]
I don't want something for nothing You want a love that's real To make love grow, I know We both got to give, yeah We got the same kind of thing going on We got the same [phone chimes.]
[scoffs.]
It wasn't just good, that show was great.
Really? Great? It's the "My So-Called Life" of your generation.
Come on.
"Welcome to the O.
C.
, bitch"? Yeah, one of the best sentences ever uttered on television.
Mm-hmm.
I guess I remember the music.
Yeah, Death Cab.
"One guitar and a lot of complaining.
" Hey, that's a quote.
Summer.
Summer! BOTH: Tijuana episode! Yes.
Oh, my God, you are good.
- You are very good.
- Hey, remember Caleb's funeral? That Imogen Heap song juxtaposed with, you know the dark I'm gonna hit the dessert table.
Um, me too.
[clears throat.]
Really? "The O.
C.
"? I haven't watched that trash since middle school.
You're really making me work here.
I'm making you work? I hated that show.
You could have fooled me.
Tighten up, will you? Your performance is all over the place.
You what? Your little act for Sarah.
No, it's not an act.
- I'm not doing an act.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm doing the same thing with Jordan.
Well, trying, but it's impossible with you going all Jekyll and Hyde.
Just even out.
Find a rhythm.
You can't only be into me when Sarah's watching.
You're noting me? Wait, what? What? You and Jordan? Yes, we've been emotionally involved for months.
You're using me? Dude, we are using each other.
Did you really not get that? We had sex in my office.
And? [laughs.]
Oh, my God.
You're hilarious.
- [laughing.]
- Fallon.
May I speak with you for a moment, please? Of course.
What is wrong with you? What would you like to do next? Would you like to, perhaps, make a toast, or join us on our honeymoon? I asked you to stop.
I asked you.
Stay away from me.
It isn't fair.
I moved forward.
I moved past you, and now everywhere I look, all I see is [jazzy music.]
I should go.
[Michael Nau's "While You Stand" playing.]
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
I am a mountain High as can be Yes, and I am an ocean While you While you stand by me Oh, but I am the fool, you know [knocking on door.]
Anytime you don't No telling why I'll go MAN: Yes? Oh, sorry.
I-I have the wrong room.
I'm sorry about that.
Mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm I know the starlight [knocking on door.]
Laid by its bed Felt all its waterfalls falling Against my head Well, it don't come easy, they say It always did for me But tomorrow's on its way So I guess we'll see What we see [sobs.]
Mm, mm-mm Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm I am the mountain High as can be Yes, and I am an ocean while you Stand by me Oh, but I am the fool, you know Anytime you don't No telling why I go Or where I won't Where I won't Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm
Okay.
I thought she was in a mental institution in Oklahoma.
I'm with someone I love.
The person you love is trying to take over my company.
This man that I met at Jennifer's game night - just showed up at my office.
- Yikes.
VALERIE: But not for therapy.
- I think just to flirt.
- Come in.
PAZ: Spencer's gone back into treatment.
It would be nice if some of you could put together a care package for him.
Laura and I can do it.
Spencer's care package.
- LAURA: A bra shot? - [camera shutter clicks.]
JENNIFER: You have plans this weekend? - Nothin' really.
- No? JENNIFER: You should call Harry.
- [phone chimes.]
- Jennifer? You too? What is this? Our Relationship Disclosure form.
- We fucked once.
- I've already informed Jordan.
Jordan knows about this? Stop trying to make me jealous.
I'm not that girl anymore and nothing you do is gonna bring her back.
Holy shit.
It worked.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
[laughs.]
Not bad.
Waze or unnecessary eye contact? - Ah, the Walter White joke.
- Yeah, there was a there was a fly in my office.
Little dated, but it plays.
Good pacing, though.
Solid banter.
And no emojis.
You're off emojis? They're so desperately cutesy.
Oh.
The girls I date don't complain.
You date children.
Oh, right.
Have you made plans with him? Nope.
Just playing it by ear.
- You've come so far.
- Thank you.
Can I have my phone back, please? LAURA: How's Harry? Uh, I'm sure he's fine.
Who's Harry? Some doctor my mom slept with.
- Laura - And this is Jack.
They haven't slept together.
Okay.
Thanks.
That's enough.
Well, we should go anyway.
- Thanks for breakfast.
- Sure.
[sighs.]
How about that? What? She made a friend.
[phone buzzes.]
[light music.]
I got to be honest with you, I'm a little confused here.
About what? Your relationship with Fallon.
Millennials, right? So quick to make it HR official.
Uh, you're a partner in this company.
Guy who started it all.
And you don't find this behavior at all I don't know inappropriate? I'm not following.
She's your subordinate.
And my assistant.
Come on, you can you can understand why people might be concerned.
I think people who know me and Fallon will understand.
Mm.
So there's there's nothing else behind this, then? Just want us all to be happy.
Well Okay.
[phone rings.]
- It's hard to uninclude people.
- Mm-hmm.
I know.
SARAH: I do think this is this is the final list, though.
You said that last time.
Sarah.
Love that shirt.
It's very fetching.
[chuckles.]
That's a fun word to say.
Fetching.
Hey, I was thinking, there's this restaurant I've been dying to try.
It's Korean food in big metal pots.
You interested? - Totally.
- Great.
I will swing by your desk at 7:00.
Special delivery.
Who are they from? Harry.
Aw, that's that's really nice.
Not necessarily.
My sister dated a plastic surgeon who sent her flowers and then two weeks later, he died.
Hi.
[gasps.]
Wow.
Look at those.
Yeah.
- Am I ungrateful? - Possibly.
Well, I haven't had the most discerning taste since Drew.
Harry is great.
He's stable and loyal and reliable.
Yeah, those are all good qualities.
But? So, um, Jack came by the office.
For a session? More like a date under the guise of a session.
Oh.
He always loves a grand gesture.
It was charming.
Sure, it was.
But you know that he can sustain a relationship about as long as he can probably hold a boombox over his head.
Yeah, but everyone remembers the boombox.
He told you his near-plane-crash story? - Yeah, among other things.
- Yeah.
But I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
I get it.
I just don't want to see you get hurt.
I mean, Harry is great, and I'm really grateful that you set me up with him.
You know, um, Harry's giving a lecture on autism tomorrow night.
We're all gonna go, take him out for drinks, celebrate him and his colleagues afterwards.
- You should come.
- Well, I don't want to intrude.
You wouldn't be.
Not at all, trust me.
No, he would love it.
We all would.
[door shuts.]
- LAURA: Hey.
- SPENCER: Hey.
No love for our care package? Oh, you mean your bra pictures? - Yeah, I deleted those.
- Why? Low light? Yeah, not trying to spend my last six months in jail for kiddie porn.
Six months? Seriously? I retire with Kobe.
I was a little scared at first, but it turns out that it's just this teeny tiny rubber hammer that smashes your nasal bones.
This is for snoring? She said it was this or suffocating me with a pillow.
[chuckles, snorts.]
And the tiny upturn here is just an added bonus.
Okay, well, I think I want to pick up here next week.
- We have a lot to mine.
- Oh, oh, I, uh I actually can't make our usual time next week.
I, um, I have a consult about a chin augmentation.
Anthony Lauren just wants me to talk to someone about it.
Okay? I probably won't do it, but it's good to get the information.
[sighs.]
- All right.
- Yep.
- Well, have a good weekend.
- You too.
Be safe.
Okay.
Make sure to get Anthony in next week.
Any day, any hour.
I'll make time.
[chuckles.]
Oh.
[inhales deeply.]
[exhales.]
[knocking on door.]
[Marion Black's "Who Knows" playing.]
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Maybe sunshine and maybe rain But as for me, I'll wait and see And maybe it'll bring my love to me Who knows? Who knows? Who knows any better than I That it's she who's keeping me alive? Keeping the little girl as my goal Makes my life worth living, you know Another day Another day, just another day I wanna live To share the love that only she can give And if she don't come on home I pray the Lord will help me carry on Oh, my God.
[moaning.]
Just another day Yeah.
Ah.
Ah.
[moaning.]
[both moan loudly.]
[panting.]
[laughing.]
What? [laughing.]
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'll take that.
- JACK: You know what word I hate? - Hmm? JACK: Pamphlet.
[laughs.]
JACK: No, it really is sickening, if you really think about it.
And I don't know what's worse, the "pamph" or the "phlet.
" [water shuts off.]
[sighs.]
Where you going? I'm going back to work.
[ice clinks.]
You just got here.
[light music.]
[light music.]
Sorry about the pictures.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
And your cancer.
That sucks.
Yeah.
It's not great.
- What's it like? - Cancer? Knowing you're gonna die? We're all gonna die, but I'm just doing it quicker.
Well, at least you'll go out in your prime.
Right.
Yeah, leaving on a real high note.
I'd like to go out on a high note.
Maybe I'll off myself with you in solidarity.
Wow.
That's sweet.
So six months, huh? Yeah.
What are you gonna do? Uh, I got a couple ideas.
Bucket list? When my life flashes before my eyes, I want to have done enough cool shit to give myself a show.
Oh, look at that.
It's like a toboggan full of kimchi.
Mm.
Lot of Koreans in here, huh? Yeah.
That means it's authentic.
Korean to white ratio is very promising.
Yeah, just saying, lot of Koreans.
There's no need for that.
- For what? - Whatever that was.
Racism? Is that what you're saying? Because it's actually more racist to think that's racist.
Oh.
How do you figure? It's like how Americans think it's insulting to call Mexicans "Mexican.
" As if it's an insult to actually be from Mexico.
It's just their ingrained sense of superiority shabbily masked behind political correctness that really highlights our latent racist views.
Maybe it was just your tone of voice.
Yeah, we should get some drinks.
Hey, can I get a whiskey? Neat.
Double, please.
And for you, Miss? A Negroni.
Instructions.
Okay.
Always get it wrong.
Isn't it just gin, Campari, and vermouth? And an orange twist.
Doesn't seem that complicated.
Even the most capable-seeming people can be useless.
Take my coworkers, just riding Jordan's coattails.
They act like I'm some dumb assistant, but I went to Michigan.
And oh, my God, Sarah She made me plan the entire engagement party.
Like that's a part of my job description.
Totally sexist.
If I was a man, she never would have asked me.
Did I say double? I'm gonna go check.
You should come with me.
Huh? To the engagement party.
What better way to show Jordan and Sarah how happy we are together? Yeah.
Okay.
- But first, kimchi.
- Mmm.
[lighter clicks.]
VALERIE: Do you do this often? Invite women that you barely know onto hotel roofs? Would you believe me if I told you you were the first? Nope.
And hey, I do know you.
[laughs.]
- Oh, you do? - Sure.
Mm.
Okay.
What do you what do you know? I know this isn't your thing.
No.
But you're good at it.
Thank you.
And you were laughing downstairs because you were happy and you haven't had a lot of those moments lately.
No, I haven't.
- All right.
- Mm-hmm.
So I'm gonna ask you a quick question.
Okay.
Can you name the happiest minute of your life? Um, I don't know.
My wedding day.
No.
Too obvious.
Too obvious.
Okay.
Um When Laura was a baby, she cried all the time, and we were living in this shithole apartment in Encino and and it was it was the kind of cry where you didn't think there was any possible way she could be okay, or that anything would ever be okay ever again.
And one morning, Drew took her out just to give me a break and before I knew it, I I don't even know.
I don't think I knew what I was doing.
I had packed a bag and I got in the car and I just started driving north.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Did you know where you were going? No.
No.
But when I got past Santa Barbara, I saw this sign.
Wait.
Was it for Anderson's Pea Soup? Holy shit.
Was it? [laughs.]
[laughs.]
Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah, it was.
It was relentless.
It was like "Anderson's Pea Soup, 54 miles.
32 miles.
14 miles.
- And you stopped? - Of course.
I mean I told myself that everything would be okay if I could just make it to the soup.
How was it? - It was terrible.
- No.
[laughs.]
It was just covered in toppings bacon, cheddar, sour cream, it was - Oh, fuck.
Like a baked potato? - Exactly.
It's like they spend 50 miles advertising this one fucking thing and then you get there and it's like they're doing everything they can to try to cover it up.
Nothing's ever as good as you think it's gonna be.
What'd you do? Uh I ate the soup and then I turned the car around, drove home.
Walked in the front door.
And Drew had Laura in the high chair and she was still crying.
And I just knew that everything was gonna be okay.
That was my best minute.
Never told anyone that before.
Not even Drew.
I want to see you again.
Okay.
JACK: Tomorrow? Can't tomorrow.
Aw.
Why not? Because I'm going out with your friend Harry.
Ah.
You're the next one up.
- What does that mean? - [sighs.]
Jennifer put you two together, right? - Yeah.
- She's always trying.
I guess I respect her perseverance.
Come on.
He's cute.
JACK: Not when he drunk texts.
Come over afterwards.
We can laugh about it.
We'll see.
I think we should have sex with Spencer.
[chuckles.]
Oh, are you serious? I mean, the kid's dying.
It's the least we could do.
I can think of less.
You ever had a threesome? - No.
- Me neither.
It'd be the perfect opportunity.
Two girls who want to have a threesome don't lack for opportunity.
Not with someone who's dying.
That's a selling point how? You don't think it would be fun? One night, we do whatever we want with him, and that's it.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
- Yeah? - Sure.
Why not? [door opens.]
[chuckling.]
Guess where I was.
Jack? [laughs.]
How was it? It was so fun.
Oh, Mom.
Yeah.
Who wants pizza? We should get pizza, right? Like, a few pizzas.
I'm I'm gonna get a pizza.
Do you want pizza? - Hey.
- Hey.
We have an idea.
What kind of idea? Hi.
Okay.
What what do we think? Too short for a room full of pediatricians? ALEX: No.
They're used to two-year-olds running around the waiting room, Porky-Pigging it.
[phone chimes.]
- Ugh.
- What? Emojis.
Two beers, a frog, and a-a crying cat.
Harry? What's the matter? I just I don't know.
- I should have said no.
- Why didn't you? Because I wanted to hang out with Jennifer.
And also make Jack a little bit jealous.
Okay.
But then he said that Harry has this drunk texting problem and I mean, what the fuck is crying cat? What is that? Am I crying cat? I don't want to be crying cat.
- You're not crying cat.
- Well, it's a bad start.
So hang for a bit.
See if it gets worse.
He won't drunk text if you're with him.
[door opens.]
Hi.
You both look nice.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, Spencer, my mom and uncle.
Mom and Uncle, Spencer.
- Hi, there.
- Welcome.
Hi.
You guys can go up.
More friends.
Oh, don't get too attached.
Cancer kid.
[phone chimes.]
Oh, shit.
Uber's here.
Where are you going? - Out.
- Out where? This is one of those times you'd rather not know.
Okay.
Fine.
Then I'll stay.
I mean, since Laura's friend has cancer.
Val, he'll have cancer whether you stay or not.
ALEX: Bye-bye.
[jazzy music.]
Alex.
- Fallon.
Hey.
- Hey.
- You came.
- Wouldn't have missed it.
- You look great.
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
For the happy couple.
Went off registry for this one.
[chuckles.]
That's totally unnecessary.
The cow was more than enough.
It was 100, but who's counting? Sarah, you look lovely.
Thank you, Alex.
Can I get anyone a drink? Absolutely.
I will do a bourbon.
Neat.
And Negroni, orange twist, equal parts vermouth and Campari.
Perfect.
WAITER: Great.
I'll be right back with that.
[alt rock music playing.]
So, uh, how does this work? Do I make an open bid or, like, a proposal? All right, well, if we could avoid transactional references, - that'd be great.
- Right.
Sorry.
Let's just enjoy ourselves.
We should, you know, set some ground rules first.
Right? Also, pass me that.
Oh, sure.
- Condoms are a must.
- Obviously.
Okay, uh, what about kissing? I like kissing.
You okay? Oh.
First-time jitters.
That's all.
We can slow down, if you want.
No, it's let's have fun with it.
Okay, then.
[upbeat music playing.]
'Cause we got the same kind of thing going on [phone chimes.]
We got the same kind of thing going on So we go into business together We'll have a love that [sighs.]
I don't want something for nothing You want a love that's real To make love grow, I know We both got to give, yeah We got the same kind of thing going on We got the same [phone chimes.]
[scoffs.]
It wasn't just good, that show was great.
Really? Great? It's the "My So-Called Life" of your generation.
Come on.
"Welcome to the O.
C.
, bitch"? Yeah, one of the best sentences ever uttered on television.
Mm-hmm.
I guess I remember the music.
Yeah, Death Cab.
"One guitar and a lot of complaining.
" Hey, that's a quote.
Summer.
Summer! BOTH: Tijuana episode! Yes.
Oh, my God, you are good.
- You are very good.
- Hey, remember Caleb's funeral? That Imogen Heap song juxtaposed with, you know the dark I'm gonna hit the dessert table.
Um, me too.
[clears throat.]
Really? "The O.
C.
"? I haven't watched that trash since middle school.
You're really making me work here.
I'm making you work? I hated that show.
You could have fooled me.
Tighten up, will you? Your performance is all over the place.
You what? Your little act for Sarah.
No, it's not an act.
- I'm not doing an act.
- It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm doing the same thing with Jordan.
Well, trying, but it's impossible with you going all Jekyll and Hyde.
Just even out.
Find a rhythm.
You can't only be into me when Sarah's watching.
You're noting me? Wait, what? What? You and Jordan? Yes, we've been emotionally involved for months.
You're using me? Dude, we are using each other.
Did you really not get that? We had sex in my office.
And? [laughs.]
Oh, my God.
You're hilarious.
- [laughing.]
- Fallon.
May I speak with you for a moment, please? Of course.
What is wrong with you? What would you like to do next? Would you like to, perhaps, make a toast, or join us on our honeymoon? I asked you to stop.
I asked you.
Stay away from me.
It isn't fair.
I moved forward.
I moved past you, and now everywhere I look, all I see is [jazzy music.]
I should go.
[Michael Nau's "While You Stand" playing.]
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
I am a mountain High as can be Yes, and I am an ocean While you While you stand by me Oh, but I am the fool, you know [knocking on door.]
Anytime you don't No telling why I'll go MAN: Yes? Oh, sorry.
I-I have the wrong room.
I'm sorry about that.
Mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm I know the starlight [knocking on door.]
Laid by its bed Felt all its waterfalls falling Against my head Well, it don't come easy, they say It always did for me But tomorrow's on its way So I guess we'll see What we see [sobs.]
Mm, mm-mm Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm I am the mountain High as can be Yes, and I am an ocean while you Stand by me Oh, but I am the fool, you know Anytime you don't No telling why I go Or where I won't Where I won't Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm Mm, mm-hmm Mm, mm-mm