Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

1
[electricity crackling]
[hard rock music playing]
Are you ready for your big trip, Zuzs?
Very excited!
First time back in Krakow
not under Soviet control.
Oh, my friend Jake Kashminski
was just in Poland.
You know him, right?
Diane, not all Polish people
know each other.
No, we do. I know Jake, he is nice guy.
Okay, here is my client list.
Do good job for them.
How come you get all her clients?
[all laughing]
Were you genuinely asking that question?
Oh, sweetie.
No, it's just because I'm more reliable.
No offense.
Offense!
I'm reliable and I'm great at my job.
Oh! Oh!
- [whirring]
- Ah! Ah! Oh!
[all coughing]
Okay, point taken.
- [horn honks]
- Ooh, that's my Uber!
That's an Uber?
Yes, he's my friend, Uber Kowalski.
I am coming!
Bye, Zuzs! Have a great time!
[sighs]
I could use a vacation.
Your life is a vacation.
Now, clean up that damn talc.
And not with your nose.
I did that one time!
[theme music playing]
Come here, you wiry little son of a bitch.
Ah! Gotcha!
[Gideon] Diane, come in here, please.
Oh, he said "please."
You're in trouble!
Okay, busted.
My Barbicide is Blue Curaçao.
I'm the one that keeps microwaving fish.
- I don't understand the cash register
- Stop! Enough!
Listen, I have a proposal for you
I accept. One night, one million dollars.
You can do whatever you want.
No questions asked.
You can remove the tape
when I'm done speaking.
Remember that lotion
you gave me for Christmas?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I've been using it every day
and I gotta hand it to you,
it's incredible.
I think it could be a hit.
And I believe that
[sighs]
You and I
Sweet Jesus, is this happening?
should go into business together.
[muffled] Are you fucking kidding me?
Remove the tape.
Ah!
Ooh, I got another hair!
Gideon, I am in, baby!
Let's start a test batch.
We can sell it here. Maybe 20 jars?
Twenty jars
Let's see, Cubs are playing at home
till Friday,
Styx cover band at Sluggers next week,
carry the one
I could get that to you by Q3,
at the earliest.
Okay, I knew this wouldn't work.
Too unreliable.
No. I'm reliable! I can do this!
And I can get them done by tomorrow!
Please don't make me regret this.
Oh, I will!
I mean, I will do a good job.
[hard rock music playing]
Hey, that's my old art teacher.
Yes, it is.
Kreativ Jus believes
that supporting local artists
is important for the betterment
of our communities.
And it's a huge tax write-off.
Hey, Samuel.
I don't know if you remember me
Sure! Daniel, right?
How's the journey of the young artist?
Good! I mean, not so much with the art,
but at home, we do listen
to a lot of Journey. [chuckles]
How much is this one?
Ah! You have a great eye.
That's an oil-on-canvas,
crafted as a response
to the climate crisis.
I'm asking $250.
- I'll give you ten bucks for it.
- Ugh!
Well, you seem passionate
for the piece so, I accept.
Oh, for credit cards,
there is a one-dollar processing fee.
Eh, forget it.
Hey, screw that guy.
He wouldn't appreciate it, anyways.
Oh, it's fine, Daniel.
Every piece will find
its way home, eventually.
Plus, I have plenty of other chances
to sell one today.
[cricket chirping]
[stomp]
[gentle music playing]
Ha!
I got the stain out.
[laughter]
Have a good day at work, honey.
You too.
Jill Grierson. Hmpf!
Mark, I was washing your underwear
and I had a revelation.
I know, I'm dehydrated.
No, I want a job.
With Daniel gone and no new baby,
I want to do something!
Isn't this exciting?
Yes! I mean, where's this all coming from?
Jill Grierson, across the street,
had three kids, went back to work,
and now, she's a big-time VP at Sky Zone.
- Why can't I do that?
- You want to work at a trampoline park?
No, I'll do what I used to do,
event planning, remember?
I planned Jeremy Piven's 40th birthday.
Yeah, but that was 20 years ago.
Bonnie, don't feel like you need to work.
I make plenty of money.
I got us covered, babe.
That's not what this is about.
I need purpose, Mark.
I need to do something
other than scrub your yellow undies.
Okay. Well, two things.
One, I will drink more water, and two
I think you should go for this.
Aww. [giggles]
This is so exciting!
Get over here and kiss me
with those dry lips.
[hard rock music playing]
[Samuel] Come here.
Oh, hello again.
Hey Uh, I'm gonna just grab
these cans if that's okay.
Oh, cool!
Are you doing some kind
of mixed media piece?
Yeah exactly.
That's such a great way
to find inspiration!
You know, I'd actually like
to buy you lunch and pick your brain.
How about you don't use the phrase
"pick your brain"? It's disgusting!
[gasps]
I'm sorry.
Look, the truth is,
I make more money recycling these cans
than I do selling my art.
Art is bullshit, okay?
The whole thing is a racket.
What? But you've spent your life doing it.
Yeah, and look at me!
I'm elbow-deep in trash.
You want some advice?
There are two kinds
of artists in this world,
ones who make money
and ones who cut their fingers
on cans of Feisty Cherry Diet Coke.
Figure out which one you are.
How do I do that?
I don't know Create something.
See if people respond to it.
If they don't,
go into another field, quickly.
[squeaking]
Gimme that! That's mine!
[refined baroque music playing]
Hmm.
[Diane] Daniel! Little help?
Ugh. I've asked you to wear pants
when you make queso!
It's a health and safety issue.
No queso! I told Gideon I could
make 20 bottles of my lotion.
And I can't blow it
because no one thinks I'm reliable.
Now, hold this Reese's Pieces bag
so I can pour this hot lotion in.
Wait, I have a ton of little mason jars
from work. Just use those.
Great idea! That's teamwork.
Is it supposed to be this watery?
Balls! Proportions must be off.
Needs more beef fat, my secret ingredient.
Balls again, I'm all out!
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know!
You can't just buy beef fat
in the middle of the night.
- Not even in Chicago.
- [gasps]
- Eureka!
- What?
The Eureka Diner down the street!
Oh, right!
The home of the meatloaf smoothie.
Come to Mama.
Hmm.
Enjoy.
Tell your friends.
[Diane snoring]
- Diane!
- I'm up! I'm up!
No, you weren't.
But you have earned your chair nap today.
I have to say, I'm impressed!
You actually delivered.
Yeah, I was worried
when I ran out of our secret ingredient.
But luckily, I was able to get my hands
on some beef fat from the diner.
Diane, please don't tell anyone
we use beef fat.
In the lotion business,
we call it "tallow."
Now, this sold out in a day.
Can you make 50 more?
Fifty? Pfft!
Now that I got an unlimited source
of beef fat
- Tallow.
- I can do a hundred!
Let's do this, partner.
Don't touch me with those beef hands!
When she sang that acoustic version
of "Proud Mary," all the chairs turned.
She picked Blake Shelton,
which I get for her sound,
but if I was her, I
- We're being raided by the SEC! Run!
- [clamoring]
- What?
- Hold the elevator!
- [clamoring]
- Uh
Please vacate the premises!
But what about my job?
It's over! This company is bankrupt!
It no longer exists!
Uh
[Diane] Beef fat, beef fat
Gonna get paid ♪
[humming]
[gasps]
Hey, fellas.
Can we talk to you for minute
in car, please?
Sorry, guys, I have a strict
"don't get into a car
with guys wearing tracksuits" rule.
Fool me nine times, shame on me.
Right. Let us help you.
[Diane screams]
[muffled screaming]
Yes! A two liter!
Okay, if you guys are cops,
you gotta tell me.
[man] We are not police.
I am Stanislas. I own diner. [chuckles]
What were you doing with our garbage?
Well, me and my boss Gideon
are doing this little lotion company,
and the secret ingredient is beef fat.
So, you started business, huh?
I have good news for you.
Our beef fat is all yours.
You can have, eh?
For real? Thanks, Stan!
Can I call you "Stan"?
No. Only thing,
you need to give us little taste.
Of the lotion? Sure.
It's actually a decent substitute
when I'm out of mayo.
No, no. You give us
little taste of lotion business.
Oh! I'm not sure about that.
We have to run that past Gideon and he's
Yes, yes. So, it's done.
Partners.
- Mm!
- Eh
You're gonna want to wash that.
Get these motherfucking char dogs
off my counter,
or I'm gonna slap your geeky
fuckin' face with 'em!
[chuckles] Good one!
Hey!
Daniel, what are you doing here?
I saw on Instagram that you were
having an installation at Wiener's Circle.
Well, thank you for the follow,
that makes two.
What do you got here?
So, you kinda threw me
into an existential crisis
and I painted something.
And I'd like to show it to you
and I need you
to be totally honest with me. Okay?
You should abandon all hope
of ever making a dime being an artist.
Find something else.
Play the horses. Learn to code!
Okay, I get it. Jesus Christ, too honest!
[retching]
- [groans]
- [counter lady] Uh-uh!
That's on you! Clean that shit up!
You see? This is what you'll be avoiding.
[counter lady] Don't got all fuckin' day!
What do you want?
After I left Let's Get This Party Starty
Events in 2001,
I pivoted to a new client who I've been
working exclusively with for 18 years.
I planned everything from dances
to musical premieres
to homecoming rallies,
and let me tell you,
this client could be very demanding.
He's my son. [laughs]
We're looking for someone
with a larger social media presence.
We're hoping to hire someone
a bit more fresh-faced.
We're headed in a different direction,
towards someone
with more valuable experience.
[sighs]
[cash register dings]
And enjoy the lotion.
Gid, we're gonna sell out again!
That is wonderful!
Now, I'll tell you what's not wonderful
is this logo you've chosen.
Yeah I just took a stab at it.
Well, I want someone to stab me
when I see it.
It needs to change.
Ah! Another great idea from Gideon.
And I thought we could call the lotion
Congeal.
- I love it! Congeal it is. Genius.
- Hmm.
Why are you being so agreeable?
You don't appear to be that liquored up.
- I told you, I'm a respons [gasps]
- [door opens]
Partners!
I'm sorry, can I help you?
Stanislas.
Diane take my beef fat for lotion,
so we are partners now, yes?
I'm pretty sure I told you, Gideon.
Wow, you really don't listen
when women speak, huh?
You most certainly did not tell me,
you gaslighting maniac.
Partners, partners, don't fight.
So, how many jars we sell today?
- Zero.
- Fifty.
- Ugh!
- Excellent. So
Next time, maybe we sell double.
One hundred. We can do this!
A hundred jars? I can't do that overnight.
Girl, you're gonna have to!
["Too Many Cooks"
by Delta Generators playing]
Too many cooks in your kitchen ♪
Too many mouths to feed ♪
I thought I was your Master Chef ♪
How many cooks do you need ♪
Too many cooks
Many cooks in your kitchen ♪
Alright ♪
Daniel, that was an intense cook,
but we did it!
Wait, what about the label?
Shit, I forgot!
Wait, what's that?
Nothing, just a bad painting I made.
I was gonna throw it out.
Well, I think it's great. Can we use it?
Really? You like it?
It's perfect!
Do you think you can
hand-draw 100 tiny labels
in the next three hours?
Um, no, but I could use a computer.
Whatever you gotta do, Steve Jobs.
I planned everything from dances to
musical premieres to homecoming rallies.
So, I spent a lot of time organizing and
Excuse me, boys, but I am talking to you!
Eyes up, phones down!
- Mm!
- Now, you listen to me.
You'd be lucky to have me work here.
Nobody is more demanding
than a bunch of rich, white women,
and I have planned parties
for hordes of them.
So, if you don't give me this job,
it's your loss.
Wait, Mommy! I mean, Bonnie!
Yo, real talk?
That kind of boss-lady energy
is what we need at our events.
Yeah, I could really see you
telling someone the open bar is closed
and it is now cash only.
[both] You! Are! Hired!
[honking]
Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!
I absolutely, unequivocally,
beyond a shadow of a doubt
love it!
Hell yeah! Are you serious?
Daniel, it's wonderful!
It's defined, yet generic. Genius!
Okay. Wow! Thank you so much,
because I was in a very dark place
and I felt
Listen, I'm gonna go ahead
and take the focus back.
- Copy that.
- I spoke with Borough about our product.
And they wanna order a test run
of 500 units!
Holy shit, G-string! This is amazing!
I know, very exciting!
Now, can we move on to some news
that's not amazing?
You have gotten us into a partnership
with Eastern European criminals!
[polka music playing]
I told one of them
he couldn't smoke inside
and he kissed me on the lips!
Look, I agree they're not great
for our lotion business.
There is no lotion business.
We're being run by the mob!
Relax, they're not hurting anyone.
Hey, uh those guys
are straight up robbing customers.
Like, putting their hands
in pockets and shit.
Diane, you need to fix this.
Get them out of here, now!
Don't worry, partner,
I know exactly what to say.
Stanislaus, we need to talk.
Yes, we do.
You need to get television channel
called Ultima Polska.
I have spoken to Gideon
and we have decided that
we'd like to part ways with you.
Part ways?
But where will you get your beef fat?
It is not so easy to procure.
Oh, we'll figure that out.
But I'd like to thank you for your help
and ask that you hit the road.
[ominous music playing]
That does not work for me.
All partners have to agree on things.
I do not agree.
Well, that's why
you're not a partner anymore, so
We make handshake deal.
Nikolai was witness, he is Notary Public.
I see it all. Legally binding.
I say I am still partner.
Or else.
That's a comb.
Hurts more with comb.
Deal stands.
Well, good talk.
I'm glad we hashed this out.
So, I'm beginning to think
these guys are a real problem.
Okay, here's what we do.
We bring them coffee,
but the sugar packets are poison.
- That was in Breaking Bad.
- I'm not writing that down.
Oh! Oh, oh! We put them all on a plane,
then, it crashes on an island.
Then, they have to live together,
but it's actually purgatory.
Stop pitching plots of TV shows.
Why? TV shows bailed me
out of trouble dozens of times.
I've beaten two DUIs off Matlock alone,
and beaten off to Matlock alone.
Wait, that's it! Matlock!
We need to do this legally.
If we can prove ownership,
we can threaten them with a lawsuit!
Bingo! What we need is a patent lawyer.
Where the hell are we gonna
find one of those?
Um, didn't you date a patent lawyer,
like, very recently?
Oh, yeah! Stewart!
Anyhoo, that's the gist of our problem.
God, you look good, man.
- What was I thinking?
- Focus, damn it!
So, what do you think?
Sounds like you need to file an injunction
to protect your product.
Yes! Will this work?
If they don't agree to step aside,
we'll see them in court.
Legally speaking, this is a slam dunk.
Fuck yeah! Swish!
See? I told you these guys
were no match for my buddy, Stewart.
Aw, thanks, Diane.
Just out of curiosity,
who is the other party?
It's, like, these Polish gangsters.
[chuckling]
I wouldn't even joke about that,
those guys are notoriously brutal.
Anyway, I'll get these drawn up.
Okay, so, you're telling me my 401(k) is
A four-oh-none-k.
Jesus Christ!
So, no retirement, my savings
were all tied up in company stock.
What am I supposed to do?
Mark, great news!
I got the job!
[sobbing]
Mark, you're crying.
I'm just so happy for you.
That's all it is.
I'm so excited!
It's not a lot of pay,
but for the first time in years,
I feel alive!
That's so great!
Hey, how much money is it, exactly?
Don't worry, Mark,
you're still the big breadwinner.
By, like, a mile.
[fake laughter]
Great. Good.
I'm gonna go buy some pencil skirts!
[sobbing]
Pack it up, boys. This shit's over!
What is the meaning of this?
Well, Stan, we got a little thing
called a "pattern."
"Patent!" My God!
And this is an injunction
filed on our behalf,
which will hold up in court
over any handshake deal.
May I see this, please?
Oh my God! That was laminated!
[snaps fingers]
We're not going anywhere!
I am back!
Stanislas?
Ciocia Zuzana?
You know him?
He is nephew.
Jesus! They really do all know each other!
Well, I hope you two get along
because apparently, he's me and Gideon's
new business partner!
- [speaking Polish]
- Ow! Ow!!
[both continue speaking Polish]
[slapping]
[Zuzana scolding in Polish]
[apologizing in Polish]
[In English] My apologies.
Ow!
[scolding in Polish]
Damn, Zuzana!
Yeah! You really had to give away
all those pierogies?
Thank you, Zuzana, for your protections.
Well, looks like Diane fixed another one.
[chuckling] What? You did nothing.
Exactly. And we're still on the hook
for that Borough order.
What are we going to do?
We don't have a beef fat hookup now.
Pardon me,
I have to drain fluid from feet.
They are like sausages.
Long flight, layover in Vienna.
Man next to me have diarrhea.
Wait a second.
Vienna.
Sausages.
Diarrhea!
I know what we gotta do!
Amazing first day, Bonnie!
You! Killed! It!
This dog wedding
is going to be off the chain!
More like "off the leash!"
[both] Yes!
- [horn honks]
- Uh! My Uber's pulling up. Bye!
Can I offer you a water?
No, thank you, I'm Mark?
Bonnie?
You have every right to be angry
at me for not telling you.
I just didn't want you
to think less of me.
I'm not angry, honey.
And now, we're both restarting.
We're gonna do this together.
We're a team.
We're a team.
- [door opens and closes]
- Are you coming in?
Actually, I have an airport pickup at
Munster, Indiana?
Oh, come on!
Sweet peppers are better by far!
Not a chance! Hot peppers all day!
[overlapping discussion]
Guys! Guys!
We can't have this debate every day!
Ladies and gentlemen,
may we please take a moment of your time?
Call security!
Wait! We need your beef fat.
Beef fat that you've been
paying top dollar to dispose of.
So, we take it off your hands,
free of charge.
To quote Warren Buffett,
this is "mutually beneficial."
And to quote Jimmy Buffett,
"How did you get backstage?"
So, whaddya say, folks? Do we have a deal?
Thanks for buying this.
It's the first piece I've sold in years.
I'm glad it found its home.
And I am going to treat myself
and get my water turned back on.
[chuckles] It's bath time for Samuel!
Diane, when I first met you, I had a hunch
that one day, we'd be dragging
coolers full of beef fat
into your busted-ass apartment together.
Really?
[laughing] No!
But I'm strangely glad we are.
Forget making art, let's make some lotion!
Yep, I'll put on my work clothes.
- [ripping]
- Ah!
Oh my God, those are not tear-away pants!
[Diane] I think I ripped some of my taint.
[polka music playing]