Clarkson's Farm (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

[theme music playing]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Diddly Squat Farm
was now wounded.
With no proper car park,
the shop was a ship
holed below the waterline.
And the restaurant dream was dead.
[soft music continues]
But it wasn't all doom and gloom.
Because away from our difficulties
with the local council,
Mother Nature was waking up.
[Jeremy] How's the angle?
That's good. Stop.
[Charlie] That's it. In you go.
[Kaleb] Go on.
[Jeremy] Spring had sprung.
And so, after five months
in their winter barn,
we could finally put the cows
back in their fields.
[mooing]
[Jeremy] Look at them!
Excited cows! Free!
[Lisa] Hey!
-[Lisa] So happy!
-[Jeremy laughs]
[Lisa] Aww!
[Jeremy] "I'm free and out."
[Lisa laughs]
[Lisa] It must be so nice.
[mooing]
They'd completely forgotten
what it was like to be free cows.
[Lisa laughs]
[Lisa] Ooh!
You know I am the world's leading
motoring journalist?
-I get nervous driving with you.
-No need to go "Ooh!"
It's 'cause you look at me when you talk
to me when you're driving.
'Cause I've got binocular rivalry.
I can see two things at once,
like an Apache gunship whatever
Like a goldfish.
[Jeremy] With the boisterous teenagers
released in one field
[Kaleb] Come on!
[Jeremy] We then had to release
the mums and calves in another.
[Kaleb] Come on!
[Charlie] Steady. Steady. Steady.
-[Charlie] Go on.
-[Jeremy] No.
[Jeremy] Wrong. Wrong. No, wrong.
Back down the hill.
Back down. Come on.
[groans]
Come on, then. Steady.
Good girls. Come on.
No. No. No, no, don't go along here.
Don't do this. Don't do this.
[Kaleb] Steady.
Steady.
Down you go. Down you go.
No, no, no.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Jeremy] After maiming
just about all of us
Ow! Fuck you, cow.
[Kaleb grunts]
-[Kaleb shouts]
-[Lisa] Down
[Jeremy] The delinquent calf
was finally corralled into the field.
-[Lisa] Well done, Charlie.
-[Jeremy] Well done, Charlie Ireland.
[Kaleb] Look at that.
[Jeremy] What a sight.
Do you know what this calls for?
Cup of tea.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Then there was more good news.
Because, a couple of days later,
the bird police said avian flu
was on the wane
and we could release the hens as well.
This is it, girls!
You're coming out.
[Jeremy] Here we go.
It's opening! You are free!
Look at them.
And the mob grazing is back.
Finally.
[Jeremy] Six months.
Is that the longest-ever avian flu?
-[Steph] Yes.
-[Paddy] The worst one.
-[Jeremy] Is it? The worst?
-[Steph] Yeah.
-[Paddy] They've got to the point--
-Hey!
[cockerel crowing]
-[Steph] Where did he come from?
-[Jeremy] Jesus!
That cockerel has had six months
in a women's prison.
[Steph laughs]
He liked the look of the ladies.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] But, while it was great
to have the animals out and about,
we still had the worry of how on earth
the farm could make money
when it was being subjected
to so many council restrictions.
We're gonna have to live
in a murky grey area
of loopholes and cunning wheezes
is what we're gonna have to do.
[Lisa] Yeah.
It's going to be very murky
and very grey,
where we're going to be living.
-But we have to stay
-[Lisa] Within the law.
We have to stay just on the right side.
[Jeremy] And we started this new policy
on the day we reopened the farm shop
after its winter hibernation.
[Lisa] Right, let's put
all the bread up here.
[Jeremy] Most of the stock had been
produced either at Diddly Squat
or within the council-imposed
sixteen-mile radius.
All that's local, that's fine.
This is all local.
This is all local.
This is all local.
[Jeremy] But the bags and hats and
T-shirts were not really local at all.
[Lisa] Thank you.
Hi. How are you?
[Jeremy] And so, on reopening day
We don't sell T-shirts.
We're giving them away for free.
Oh, right.
But if you'd like to buy
a Brussels sprout for £20,
I can give you a free T-shirt.
There are complicated reasons.
-Yes, that's fine.
-Great.
[lively music]
-[Lisa] So that's one Brussels sprout.
-[woman] Yeah.
[ding]
[Lisa] Green apple.
-Lovely job.
-[Lisa] Right.
[cash register]
[ding]
[Lisa] Lovely. Thank you.
Yeah, what type of potato would you like?
I've got the potato with the flame.
[cash register]
[Lisa] There we go.
[woman] Thank you very much.
[ding]
[ding]
[Lisa] Lovely. Thank you very much.
[ding]
-[Lisa] Enjoy your potato.
-Thank you.
[Lisa] Yeah, it's working well.
And I think people like the fact
that they can still buy our stock--
Well, not. They can still get it
for free, even if we can't sell it.
[Jeremy] Meanwhile, outside,
Charlie had come up with a cheeky plan
to solve our car-parking issues.
There is a little loophole open.
It's a 28-day planning notice,
which means we can use
any parcel of land for 28 days
as a temporary car park.
So we can use the field behind us.
And then luckily,
because Jeremy's got a number of fields,
we can use that field for 28 days,
and then we can use that field
for 28 days,
to keep people safely parked
so they can use the shop.
[Jeremy] Sadly, though,
there was no cunning way
of reigniting the restaurant,
as I explained to Alan when he called by.
[Jeremy] The problem I've got is
that I can't afford
to go to the Secretary of State.
[Alan] Yeah.
[Jeremy] We've gotta go through another
planning process
with old Sky at Night boy.
It's gonna be over a year--
eighteen months.
I mean, that's just gonna be
another planning committee meeting,
and then another, and
It's ridiculous,
because over in the field, as you know,
we've got a barn that has been there
a hundred years.
So after ten years,
you can do what you want.
And at the moment, they say farmers
can use a barn for a pop-up shop or
And you could turn that
into something straight away.
Hold on. Whoa.
That barn over there?
Yeah! The barn in the middle
of the field.
-We don't need planning permission?
-[Alan] No.
[Jeremy] So you're saying
we can make that
[Alan] Yes, you can.
[Jeremy] Into a restaurant?
That is already on your land
and it's there.
Just repair it.
It's a beautiful old barn.
[Jeremy] What about power?
We've got three-phase over there.
So we've got enough to take it.
We can take water from here as well.
-We don't need planning permission?
-[Alan] No.
I'm 99.9% sure.
I'm actually becoming a human tripod.
[Alan laughing]
[Jeremy] Before I fainted with happiness,
I called Charlie to ask him to check out
what Alan had been saying.
-Hi, Charlie. Jeremy.
-[Charlie] Hi.
[Jeremy] Alan's come up with an idea
[Jeremy] And half an hour later
[Charlie] We are allowed to do it.
Because it's a sound structure,
that should be fine.
Because the walls are fine,
the roof's fine.
[Jeremy] The roof's a bit not fine,
but we can make the roof fine.
[Charlie] Well, yeah,
we can repurpose it.
Why didn't anybody think of this earlier?
I don't know.
I don't know, but it's I mean
[sighs]
What a result that would be.
[Jeremy] This was the best loophole
of them all.
If a barn is smaller than
a hundred and fifty square metres
and more than ten years old,
a farmer can do anything he likes
with it.
It's not in particularly good order.
But
Look at this.
If we get this A-frame,
whatever it's called, here repaired
And then
put the tables and chairs
all round here
Look at that for a view,
to have your Sunday lunch.
Look at it!
[chuckles]
[lively music]
[Jeremy] Because there would only be room
in here for a tiny kitchen,
most of the food preparation
would have to be done at the farm itself.
So I decided the two places
should be linked with something
I'd been planning for ages:
a new farm track.
[lively music continues]
[Alan] I think you betta
set this up here, hadn't ya?
[Jeremy] While Alan set
about repairing the barn
I attached an old plough
to Thunderbird IV
and started work on my link road,
which would have other benefits as well.
Put some wildflowers down the side.
It'll be lovely.
And we can come along here,
across the road,
enter the farm shop car park,
and then we can access
all the other half of the farm
without going on the road network
and getting in everyone's way.
It's clever, this.
Clever thinking from me.
Now, I've gotta go for an absolutely
dead-straight line.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] That was harder
than I thought it would be.
So I have to go to the right
of the telegraph pole.
That's where the entrance is going to be.
Right. One, two six.
There.
[lively music continues]
[Jeremy] The arrival of Kaleb.
-[Jeremy] What?
-I suggest you stop.
Why?
It's not very straight.
You said to me,
"I want a dead-straight line, Kaleb,
"from that gateway to the new gate
that would be over there in the field."
I agree. My first one was a disaster.
-So which one is it?
-This one.
[Kaleb] It's fucking awful!
[Jeremy] That one,
God knows what came over me.
I was aiming for the lavatories.
And then I realised halfway along
that's wrong.
So I had to swerve a bit right.
[Kaleb] It's shit.
[Jeremy] No, but I know you like
saying that to me.
[Kaleb] No, no, I don't like
saying it to you.
I'd rather it just be done properly
[Jeremy] Once the route
had finally been marked out,
I needed some hardcore
to make the track itself.
And that meant digging a small quarry.
[upbeat music]
This meant bringing back Lee,
the cow barn builder,
and some of his lads
and a lot of his machinery.
It's a production line.
He digs the big stone up,
puts it into the crusher.
He picks that up and drops it here.
I pick it up from here
and put it in your trailer
and you drive
Where are you gonna dump the first load?
The first load is just there.
[reverse alarm]
["Freight Train" by Alan Jackson playing]
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] Swinging.
Wish I was a freight train, baby ♪
Wish I was a freight train, baby ♪
Wish I was a freight train ♪
What a banger.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] Ooh!
[Jeremy] Look at what we're doing here,
quarrying!
If you've got even a small garden,
for heaven's sake,
dig it up and make a quarry,
because it's the most fun.
[music continues]
[makes electric guitar noise]
No, I think this might be the piano,
actually.
[humming]
No, is it? I dunno.
[Jeremy] Look at my judgement there.
Wish I was a freight train, baby ♪
Wish I was a diesel locomotive ♪
I'd come whistling down your track ♪
Crashing in your door ♪
[Jeremy] Soon, it was time
to start making the track.
Wish I was a freight train, baby
Wish I was a freight train ♪
I'm shit.
[laughs]
[Jeremy through speaker] I have made
a hole in the plastic sheeting.
Kaleb, I'm shit at this.
This and sheep shearing I can't do.
[Kaleb] And drilling. Cultivating.
Hedge cutting, you can't do that.
I mean, the list goes on
of things you can't do.
[Jeremy] Having fired myself
from this job,
I then re-hired myself
as the roller driver,
which, for me, was a vehicular first.
Now, I think I push that green one
to make it vibrate.
Ready?
[engine revving]
[laughs] Holy shit!
Oh, I'm enjoying that!
Yes!
What a pleasant way
of spending the day.
Having your bottom vibrated
while sitting cross-legged
in a comfortable chair
and doing a manly job of work.
[Jeremy] Sadly, though,
I soon had to leave Lee to it,
as there were other jobs on the farm
that needed my attention.
One of which was to meet Pip.
[Jeremy] How are you?
[Jeremy] A highly recommended chef
who could potentially run the restaurant.
[Jeremy] So, we've already got
our own honey,
our own eggs.
This is you've got flour here
for pasta.
My son is now making
our own chilli sauces
out of chillis that we're growing.
We've got lamb.
And now we've got beef.
I think what you have here
is the beginning of a great restaurant.
I think you can use all the produce,
from nose to tail
of all the animals as well.
What sort of cooking
have you done in the past?
I have done Italian in the past.
Er, French. And British.
And then obviously
my restaurant at the moment,
we mix quite a lot of European styles
and then a little bit
of Japanese influence.
See, the thing is,
I see who comes to the farm shop,
I see who has come.
And they're Subaru drivers.
-My uncle had a Subaru.
-[Jeremy] Yeah.
That's who I'm aiming the restaurant at,
people who don't want three chips
cooked three times
and they don't want fancy.
So Asian fusion, these are not words
-that they'll particularly enjoy.
-No.
"Fuck off" will be
the sort of standard response
to any attempt to mess around
with a steak and kidney pie or a--
Yeah.
[Jeremy] I then gave Pip a tour,
starting with the headline act
of the menu.
[Jeremy] These are the two
that have been scheduled for execution.
[Pip] Okay.
-[Jeremy] That's what we'll be cooking.
-[Pip] They're huge.
[Jeremy] And this is where we put
the prep kitchen.
[Pip] Wow!
Good prep kitchen?
[Pip] It's huge.
It's bigger than my kitchen.
-You have a butcher?
-[Jeremy] Yeah.
-It goes through a guy called Henry.
-Yeah.
Who looks like Andy Garcia
in The Untouchables.
So anyway, Andy Garcia does our butchery.
-[Jeremy] See the chillis?
-Yeah, yeah.
So you get thousands and
thousands and thousands of chilli plants,
-which is
-Yeah.
[Pip] Hot sauce.
[Jeremy] Having been impressed so far,
Pip was clearly expecting great things
from the restaurant itself.
[Pip] Oh my God!
-[Jeremy] It's quite rudimentary.
-Yeah.
[Pip] Er
Right.
Fuck.
-This is kitchen.
-[Pip laughs]
That is small.
Finishing kitchen.
-Where's the rest?
-What?
Are you building out?
No, can't. The council won't let us.
Because of the rules,
which I didn't write,
you're allowed to have as much space
outside the building
as there is inside it.
-Not with a building, but with umbrellas.
-Yeah.
So you probably come to here, right
the way down to the far end of that wall.
Yeah.
And this is all tables and chairs
as well.
Yeah. You could get probably
forty-five covers, I think.
And I just had a thought.
Could you not extend the kitchen a bit
and have a barbecue outside?
No. Council won't let us.
[Jeremy] Having absorbed the fact
she'd be cooking in a shoebox,
Pip then asked me what exactly
I'd like to see on the menu,
hoping that I'd give her a precise brief.
Have you seen that film Babe,
with the pig?
Yeah.
You know when he goes home at night
and his wife's there?
What they have for supper is sort of
what I want to serve in the restaurant.
I don't know what they have for supper,
but in my imagination,
what they eat is what I want to serve.
[Pip] Right.
[Jeremy] With that valuable information
tucked away,
Pip went off to start work.
And I went back to the tricky business
of making cows pregnant.
The last round of IVF
had worked for Deeny.
But not for Pepper,
who'd needed another injection.
[Jeremy] Here we are,
Dilwyn in his usual pose.
-[Dilwyn] Hello. Can I shake your hands?
-[Lisa laughs]
[Jeremy] And today we'd find out
if finally she was up the duff.
Right, bad news.
-[Jeremy] You're joking?
-Yeah, not in calf.
So everything's there.
So I've checked her over,
everything's cycling.
But I don't see a reason
why she can't get in calf.
[Jeremy] Poor old Pepper.
What's the matter with you, sweetheart?
[Dilwyn] That's a shame.
You gotta decide where you want to go
from here, really.
-We don't--
-[Jeremy] Can I just--
Let me ask the vet.
In your experience, what would
a farmer do in this situation?
Chuck the bull in.
-[Jeremy] Chuck the bull in?
-Yeah.
Would a farmer rent a bull?
[Dilwyn] You can rent a bull.
[Jeremy] And how long would the bull
have to be here?
[Dilwyn] Two months.
So the bull lives here,
right alongside the footpath.
[Jeremy] Don't you have
to change the fences if you
-[Kaleb] You've gotta put some signs up.
-[Dilwyn] Yeah.
I mean, there is risk to it, you know.
If it gets out, you know.
Everyone panics when a bull's out, yeah?
But the majority of the time,
the bull's not there to kill someone.
I mean, yeah,
it can kill someone, admittedly.
[Jeremy] Right.
So we can put a bull in here.
And that electric fence there
that we have at the bottom--
[Kaleb] I'm fencing that one
across there.
Yeah, because we don't want the bull
in the kitchen every morning.
-Not so much.
-That really would be a surprise!
Unless he's terribly handsome.
[Jeremy] Finding a boyfriend for Pepper
would take a few days.
So, in the meantime,
I got on with another important job,
planting a crop called echium.
Fifteen mil on the barrel.
OK, gotta go, I'm on twenty mil
at the minute. I'm on two centimetres.
[Jeremy] This meant Kaleb had to make
some fiddly adjustments to the drill.
[Kaleb] Okey dokey.
[Jeremy] But I assured him
it would all be worthwhile.
Barley and wheat right now,
£300 a ton? Give or take?
Yeah, yeah.
Oilseed rape, £700 a ton?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
-Really high.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
Do you wanna know
how much you get for this?
-[Kaleb] Go on.
-£4,200 a ton.
-Really?
-Mmm.
Let's grow echium.
Right, I think I've set that.
-Do you know what it is?
-No.
Vegans won't eat cod liver oil
or fish oil.
-Mmh.
-Obviously.
But they can eat this,
which is exactly the same.
It's omega-3, omega-6, omega-9.
So it's a very, very, very,
very good oil.
-Yeah.
-Very healthy. Vegans love it.
So we are profiteering from veganism,
which I like.
And then, the bees
absolutely love echium.
[Jeremy] Once Kaleb had finished
adjusting the settings,
we filled the hopper
with vegan gold dust
told the computer what it was planting
[Kaleb] Four, eight, two, okay.
Imagine if NASA
used a computer like this.
[Kaleb] Who's "Nassi"?
[Jeremy] And set off.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Well, look at this.
With my snazzy new weight box,
no wheelying.
This rig is now about fifteen tons.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] The good thing about growing
echium is that it rarely needs
to be sprayed with chemicals
or fertiliser.
So there's no need for fiddly tramlines.
The bad thing is that I'd forgotten
how everything worked.
I've gotta set the fan speed.
Er
Set.
Oh no, it's Oh no.
Oh shit. I think I've just
Kaleb, can you hear me?
I can't remember
how to set this computer up.
[Jeremy] The farming foetus
patiently explained the tech.
[Kaleb] It's the little tractor
at the top, remember?
[Jeremy] No. I've never used this drill.
You have. You drilled some wheat,
and then fucked up on that.
-[Charlie] Didn't you drill Deadman's?
-Yes.
-Have you seen the cock-up in there?
-[Charlie] Well, I have walked it.
You stick with writing.
Let me do this.
No, 'cause there's no tramlines.
You don't need tramlines for this,
which is why I'm doing it.
[Charlie] It's very low-input, yeah.
[Jeremy] Kaleb continued
with my refresher course.
[Kaleb] Push that up.
-And then see where it says Markers?
-Yeah.
Pull that down.
-I want the marker out this way?
-Yes.
[Jeremy] Out you go.
Oh shit!
[Kaleb] No, just stop.
Bring that back in.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] Hold on. No.
Wait, wait, wait.
[Jeremy] Right.
-Shit!
-[Kaleb] Fucking 'ell.
[Kaleb] Whose idea was it
to grow echium?
[Jeremy] Finally, I was ready.
Here we go.
[Kaleb] Whoa. Stop!
Fan speed, thirty-nine thousand RPM.
Excellent.
-[Kaleb] Whoa! Stop!
-[Charlie] Jeremy, stop. Jeremy, stop.
[Charlie] You're basically a bulldozer.
You've just got a foot of soil
along the whole of the front.
Because the trash isn't flowing
through the drill.
What? Sorry. What's trash?
The only thing I could do is pick
the drill right up on the culters.
Well, it's not leaving it level enough.
-Because you know we've gotta swath it.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
I don't understand a word of that.
[Kaleb] Can I just
Level this machine up.
Push it out on the top link a little bit.
I hate it when he goes
between whatever implement's
on the back and the tractor.
Any minute now
there'll be a squelching sound.
And then a siren.
And then a gavel.
And then
the sound of me squealing in a jail cell.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] Once Kaleb had done
whatever it was he did,
I got going again.
Right. Ten KPH.
[Jeremy] And basically, I had one job.
I was making a groove in the field
with my marker
so that on the return leg,
if I kept that groove
in the middle of my bonnet,
I'd know I was exactly three metres
from the bit of the field
I'd already planted.
[Jeremy] Don't take your eyes off it,
Jeremy.
Keep your eyes on it.
Keep your eyes on it.
[Jeremy] However, after I turned round,
I realised that because of the way
this field had been cultivated,
the groove from where I was sitting
was invisible.
[Jeremy] Fucking hell.
Absolutely no idea here.
Simply not visible.
Trying to see effectively
where a very small metal beetle
has been wandering along the field.
It's not doing anything.
I'm going over most of the field twice
and some of the field not at all.
Oh fucking hell!
I'm gonna be in so much trouble
when this grows.
This seed is too expensive
to keep cocking it up.
[Jeremy through speaker] I dunno
what I'm doing here, Kaleb.
I can't bloody see this marker.
I just can't see it.
[Jeremy] I braced myself
for the customary bollocking.
But amazingly, it didn't arrive.
[Kaleb] That's hard. I'll give you that.
I'm not gonna moan at you
if you miss any.
[Jeremy] Kaleb then decided
to use his roller
to make a wavy line in the field
[upbeat music]
So that when my metal beetle
went over a newly flattened bit of soil,
I'd be able to see the mark it made.
So you think I'm gonna be able
to see the lines,
now that you've done that zig-zag thing?
[Kaleb] Yeah.
You see the difference now?
[Jeremy] Yes.
I can see where you have been.
[upbeat music continues]
He's right, this is transformatory.
I can do this now.
[Jeremy] A bit of Diddly Squat teamwork
had saved my vegan bacon.
[Kaleb] Where you are now,
you're bang on, absolutely bang on.
Yeah.
There you are, you little beauty.
[Jeremy] With the echium planted,
we received news that our new rent-a-bull
was on its way,
which meant I had to do
some preparatory work
with my head of security.
[Jeremy] Right, the bull's
coming at three. So about an hour?
[Gerald] Yeah.
[Jeremy] So I've gotta get these signs up
telling ramblers
'Cause, you know,
this is a public footpath.
[Gerald] Yeah.
[Jeremy] That there's a bull in the
field. But, here's what's interesting.
You can't put on the sign "Danger, Bull"
because then I'm admitting
I know it's dangerous
and then that makes me liable.
But you can't say it's safe either
because
[Gerald] Yeah.
Have you ever been attacked by a bull?
I know an old farmer
You know, this is a story, right?
When they were doing the winter
littering down
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
They must weigh half a ton,
those brown bales, don't they?
And if you come down to an Hereford
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
But you never can tell.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
That was with the bale
in the thing and all.
[Jeremy] Right. Now, I've got some signs.
[Gerald] That's why I was never
a big lover of having a bull.
[Jeremy] So, I've had these done.
[Gerald laughs]
You know those people in the village
that moan all the time
[Jeremy groans]
in the pub on a Sunday
with their red trousers on?
[Gerald] Yeah.
[Gerald] Yeah! Yeah!
[laughs]
[both laugh]
[Jeremy] Right.
Yeah, that's the one.
[Jeremy] Once the signs were up,
I showed Gerald how I'd used
farm equipment
as a bull-containment measure.
[Jeremy] So we've got
an electric fence there.
If that doesn't work,
-I put this here
-Yeah.
-As a barrier.
-Yeah.
To stop him getting on the footpath.
So, if you has him here, you would ask me
to go out there with you, you know
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Simple as that.
[Jeremy] Not knowing whether I'd done
a good thing or not,
we then waited for the arrival
of the bull,
which we'd rented from the family
who'd supplied the cows.
-[woman] Hello.
-[Charlie] Hello.
[Jeremy] Good to see you.
-Is he here?
-[Jeremy] The gigolo has arrived.
Ooh my God.
His face is there, with like a ring.
[man] Here he comes. Come on, boy.
[Jeremy] Look at the size of that head!
He's enormous! Look at him!
-[man] Come on, boy.
-[woman] Good boy.
[Lisa] Wow.
[Jeremy] Look at his testes!
-[man] Go on.
-[Jeremy] Aye.
[Jeremy] Lisa? Would you like
to know what he's called?
[Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] The name's Maestro.
Breakheart Maestro.
That's his name!
-[Jeremy] Breakheart Mae
-[Lisa] Look at them run!
[Jeremy] Look at the lady cows,
coming for some action.
-[woman] They're running up, literally.
-[man] They are.
[Lisa] They're about to hump him,
I think.
[Jeremy] This is like a nightclub.
"Pick me! Pick me!"
[Lisa gasps]
-He's on!
-Yes!
-[Jeremy] He's on! Straight away
-[woman] No, that's a cow. No, "she".
-[Jeremy] What, the cow's shagging him?
-[man] Yeah.
What the hell?
You brought a gay cow!
Why did that happen?
-[woman] Don't panic.
-[Charlie] No, no.
[Jeremy] But that's not gonna work
They're just sussing out.
They're sussing each other out.
[woman] So all these calves are his.
-[Jeremy] Are they?
-[woman] Yeah. So all the calves--
He's had all these women before?
[woman] Yeah, they're his calves.
[Jeremy] Look, the one
we're really bothered about is Pepper,
right at the back, the one
we really need for him to go and--
Oh, look, he's heading that way.
He's heading for Pepper.
[Kaleb] I think Pepper's weight
is an issue now.
[Jeremy] What, he's not gonna fancy her
'cause she's too fat?
[Kaleb] No, not that.
[laughter]
Well, what then?
Just reasons of getting into calf
that cause
complications when they're too fat.
-[Jeremy] Really?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Are they just going
to get out the wind?
[Lisa] Oh, they're showing him
where the water is.
[Kaleb] They're just showing him
the weak fences!
[Charlie] "Lean there."
[Jeremy] This was a perfect,
happy moment.
But once everyone had gone, I was left
to reflect on what was actually at stake.
We've tried three times now
to get Pepper pregnant with AI,
artificial insemination,
and it hasn't worked.
So this is her last chance.
If he can't make her pregnant
[sighs]
You fill in the blanks.
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
I got a taste
of what filling in the blanks
would feel like
because it was time to take
the first of the restaurant cows
to slaughter.
[Lisa] Aw.
[Jeremy] Do you know which one it is?
-The one at the back?
-Yeah.
[Kaleb] 297.
[mooing]
No, he knows.
[Kaleb] It's always sad
when you have two animals go in.
Like, you know,
when you have thirty
[Jeremy] That's what you said
this morning.
It's exactly what Lisa said.
When you're taking all the sheep off
it's like, well, you know
I never feel sad
when I'm taking the sheep off.
[laughter]
-Fucking sheep.
[Jeremy] But even you
don't like doing this.
I don't like doing this bit, no.
Shall we do this?
[clanging]
-Go on, then.
-[Jeremy] Go on. Off you go.
[Kaleb clucking]
I don't like leaving
that other one behind
'cause he's gonna be ever so lonely.
I remember going here with the sheep.
It was just devastating.
I can't imagine it's going to be
much better today.
[sheep bleating]
[Jeremy] Go on, then. Go on.
Come on, cow.
There you go.
[sheep bleating]
-[man] Private kill, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Private what?
-[man] Private kill, yeah.
-Private slaughter.
-Yeah.
Sign and put the date
on the bottom there, please.
[Jeremy] There you go.
-Presumably he's dead already, is he?
-No, he's in there still.
Oh is he? The last time,
when we brought the sheep,
they were dead by the time
we'd done the paperwork.
-You can go and see him.
-No, I'm-- I might do. We'll see.
Yeah.
Let's go and see him.
-Cheers.
-Morning.
Morning. Morning.
[Jeremy] At the dignitas pen,
I met the abattoir boss.
-Good morning.
-[Jeremy] How are you?
I'm well, thanks.
[Jeremy] Who, when I'd been upset
about the sheep on my last visit,
had found just the right words
to make me feel worse.
[abattoir boss] It's a shame
'cause they're nice sheep, aren't they?
[Jeremy] This time round, I was hoping
he'd be a bit more understanding.
He looks a nice wedge of meat,
to be honest,
you know.
[Jeremy] See you, cow.
See you on the flip side.
I just have to remember
he's done his bit for the soil
and he's going to feed a thousand people.
That's why I had him.
[Jeremy] And I'd have to be thinking
the same thing the following week,
when Cow 2 was scheduled to go.
Because the wheels of the restaurant
were now well and truly turning.
Alan and his chaps
were busy with the building work.
And despite my nonsensical
Babe and Subaru brief to Pip,
she'd come up with some offerings
she hoped would hit the spot.
This is ox tongue, which I know,
you know,
there's only two tongue and it's not that
big, so it can't feed that many people.
-Can I have a piece of tongue?
-Yeah.
Go for it.
Mmm. Mmmm.
[Jeremy] What have we got here, then?
[Pip] Just a little egg
and pickles.
[Jeremy] Mmmm.
Mmm, I did it.
Damn!
Whenever anybody tastes
anything on television,
they always go, "Mmm,"
even if it's disgusting.
Yeah!
[Jeremy] And I just did it.
All right. I hope it's not disgusting!
[Jeremy] No, that's really delicious.
I'm gonna try some of this lamb chilli-
-[Pip] Lamb breast.
-Ooh.
-[Pip] Our chilli.
-Mm-hmm.
[Pip] Chilli. A bit of vinegar. Garlic.
Mint. Coriander. Olive oil.
A tiny bit of sugar.
That's just amazing.
-So this is our flour?
-Yeah.
-[Pip] Your beer.
-That actually is beer bread?
-Yeah.
I've never had beer bread before.
-[Pip] Yeah, it's good.
Cor, jeez, Pip, that is so good.
-[Jeremy] And this is whipped pork?
-Fat.
-[Jeremy] Fat?
-Yeah. I just thought
It's in all the slimming magazines.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] Right, well,
they're all just amazing.
[Jeremy] More importantly,
it was clear that Pip
could work wonders with a cow.
[Jeremy] Mmm.
-Oh, beef tartare.
-[Pip] Yeah.
OK, that's just wonderful.
It's a beef broth and I've put
a bit of bone marrow in there as well.
Bone marrow is my favourite.
-This is a ribeye, yeah?
-Yeah.
Is that just salt on it?
[Pip] Yeah. A bit of rosemary
and butter.
[Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
-Our potatoes.
-[Pip] Yeah.
They're really good for roasting.
Really nice.
And it all comes on a plate
like this and you just tell 'em--
Yeah, and then everybody serves.
-You just get a piece of meat like that?
-[Pip] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Pip, I think
that's spectacularly good.
I'm really excited now by this.
We're actually going to do it.
["Goody Goody Getter"
by Denise LaSalle playing]
[Jeremy] I now knew that we could make
an exciting menu using stuff
from our farm and from our neighbours.
And that the food would have
a smooth ride
from the prep kitchen to the restaurant,
because the farm track
was coming along nicely.
[reverse alarm]
[music continues]
[reverse alarm]
[Jeremy] You could do with a few more
flashing lights on that thing, Kaleb.
[Kaleb] Remember, we're in construction.
Maybe I haven't got enough.
[Jeremy] There you go, Fuck Trumpet.
Shall we call it a night after this one?
[Kaleb] Yeah. You look like such
an old man right now. It is unreal.
I like the cross-legged
driving position.
[Kaleb] You look like you're sat there
with your glasses on the end
of your nose, cross-legged,
reading a column or something
about how to get it up
in the morning.
[Jeremy] Truth be told, I really had been
feeling like an old man all day.
[lively music]
And the next morning, I found out why.
[sighs] Oh. Not again.
Shit.
[Jeremy] However, because this is a farm
and farms can't just stop,
I decided
to take a leaf out of Putin's book
on COVID precautions,
and set up
a morning meeting with Charlie.
Hi, Jeremy.
[Jeremy] Sorry about this.
You can be Macron and sit down there.
-What have we got here?
-So there are a few things.
We've got some planning stuff
back from the council--
-[Gerald] All right?
-Hey, look who's here.
[Jeremy] G dog!
Are you feeling better?
[Gerald] I reckon!
You know, it's got to be
like this when a dog goes underneath
[indistinct]
[Jeremy] Are you still positive?
-[Gerald] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] Can we just notice this?
He's in his seventies, positive,
up and about.
In my sixties, positive,
up and about.
Unlike the snowflake generation.
[Gerald] No wonder
[speaking indistinctly]
[Charlie] I've got some bits for you.
We've got some planning stuff back
from the council.
You know, we put in a prior notification
to say, "Look, we're just gonna build
the farm track"?
Well, they've actually refused it.
They refused a farm track?
[Charlie] Yeah. Because they've said
that it's already begun
and it's not considered reasonable
and necessary for agricultural
purposes within this unit.
[Jeremy] So you can't build a farm track
on your own farm?
No, no. You can't.
[Jeremy] Exactly.
[Charlie] The council won't let us
do any more.
[sighs]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Have you ever heard of a farmer
being turned down for a farm track?
Never.
[Jeremy] Never.
[Jeremy] So, what about the restaurant?
[Charlie] They cannot know, because
they will find something to stop us.
[Jeremy] No, but everyone
in the village literally does nothing
but spy on us.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] Holy cow! Look at this!
They won't stop here.
[Charlie] This is just the first stage.
We always agreed it would be
a couple of weeks, not fucking two days.
The countdown has begun.
[theme music playing]