Clone High (2023) s02e07 Episode Script

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
NARRATOR: Previously,
on a very special Clone High.
The clones resolved
their differences
and achieved perfect
friend-group harmony.
Literally, everyone's
doing great
and Abe Lincoln
even found a girlfriend.
That's all well
and good for them,
but I live for the drama.
I got no tea to spill--
(GRUNTING)
Of course,
as soon as I say that
I spill tea all over my lap.
Ah, fuck!
I just washed these pants.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
-JOAN OF ARC: Hey, Abe.
-Oh, hey, neighbor slash BFF.
Your hair is so freshly tousled.
Let me guess, you just got back
from a date with Mary?
I know we've only been together
for two weeks,
but I told her
those three little words.
You did?
-I'm a virgin.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I really think she's the one.
Well, as your best friend,
I need to dig a little deeper
for confirmation.
I mean,
would you do anything for her?
Definitely.
I'd sacrifice anything.
My credit score,
my dignity, my virginity.
Actually, virginity
is number one on that list.
That's sweet.
But, would you hold a kitten
in a bag in a river for her?
-Yes!
-Would you take her to the prom
if she was only a head?
-Yes!
-Would you sit with her parents
-at her beginners' improv show?
-Of course.
But would you still do
all that for her
if she were a sea turtle?
Shell yeah.
Wow! Your girlfriend
is best friend approved!
I can already see you two
becoming festies.
-Fast besties? Really?
-Of course!
Is there any better foundation
for a friendship
between two girls
than a deep connection
-to the same guy?
-Um
I'll bring her
to lunch tomorrow. You'll see.
-(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH)
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(GRUNTS, MOANS)
-I guess, I was done with that?
-(ABE LINCOLN CHEWING)
-(MARY MOANS)
(BOTH GRUNT, MOAN)
-(MOANS, CHUCKLES)
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Baby, meet me outside to help me
study for AP Foreign Tongues.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, she means French kissing.
(CHUCKLES) Isn't she clever?
(LAUGHS EMPHATICALLY)
I, er, uh, am totally fine
with someone else doing
sexy puns! Fine with me!
(CLONES SIGH)
Hey, we need
to be supportive here.
It can't be easy for Mary
to jump into
a new friend group like this.
And Abe really likes her,
so let's make her feel welcome.
Hold on,
we don't even know this girl.
Sure, she's manic and pixie-like
and Abe's absolute dream girl,
but there's gotta be more
to the story.
As the new editor in chief
of the school newspaper,
-it's my job to find it.
-There's no story here.
We're all gonna get along
with Mary
and Mary's gonna
get along with us,
-and we're gonna be
one big happy family.
-(RECORDER BEEPS)
Why do you wanna be friends
with Mary so bad, Joan?
What's your angle here?
It's all about the angles, see?
And something tells me you've
got more than a protractor.
Ooh, that's good.
Ooh, yay, I recorded it.
Look, if we're mean to Mary
that could push Abe away.
We're all finally
in a good place with each other
and I just don't want things
to fall apart again.
Focus up and help Mary fit in!
-(RECORDER BEEPS)
-Where was she going?
There were still 15 minutes
left in the lunch period.
Joan quickly realized
her mistake and sat back down.
("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
Way, way back in the 1980s ♪
Secret government employees
Dug up famous guys and ladies ♪
And made amusing
Genetic copies ♪
Then the clones as teens
Were frozen ♪
Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
Back for reasons
They’re not disclosin’ ♪
Giving high school
Another try ♪
It’s time to watch
Clone High ♪
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
(PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH AND
MR. BUTLERTON SINGING
"SYMPHONY NO. 5" BY BEETHOVEN)
-Cinnamon! You idiot!
-What? I'm nailing this.
I just looked
at the clone manifest.
You haven't made
a single new clone since 2012.
We've got extras
in the freezer, remember?
Yeah, but no good ones.
You need to start harvesting
new clones at once.
Look, Candide, I'll be honest.
Making clones
is backbreaking work.
There's the digging up
the graves,
getting into the coffins,
extracting DNA from the dead
historical figures.
Filling the graves back up.
Filling the graves back up!
Thank you, Mr. B.
And you gotta do all of this
in the middle of the night,
which, I'm sorry,
but I have a bedtime.
-Scudworth, get me new clones!
-Oh, boy!
Looks like we're getting back
in the saddle, Mr. B.
Yee-haw! Time to dust off
the supersecret
DNA-extracting lab equipment.
-Gear me up!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
SCUDWORTH:
Shovel! Gloves! Mud boots!
Lifting belt!
Trail mix sans raisins!
Headlamp! Butt lamp!
Crotch lamp!
Let's get busy--
(GRUNTS) Cramps!
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(GRUNTS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, turds, you guys wanna do
some locker room talk?
-Hell yeah!
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(CHUCKLES)
You know it, my dudes!
And I, too, can join in
now that I have
a living human girlfriend.
Might not be long
until I join JFK
in the "people who have
made love at least once" club.
You'd be joining me
in that club too, A-Train.
Wait, you're not flying
Virgin Airlines, Confucius?
I leggo my virgo
a couple years ago
to our chauffeur's daughter
once removed.
Our chauffeur has a chauffeur
and I did it with her.
Well, then I'll be
in rarefied air
-with the two of you.
-(GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER
CLEARS THROAT)
ABE: George Washington Carver?
You got your peanut shelled?
-Indeed.
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Ditto over here.
-Topher?
I'm bad at it, but I've done it.
Not a virgin, bro.
They don't call me Peenie
for nothing!
-I do sex.
-Wait.
So, I'm stranded on
the Virgin Islands by myself?
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
-(GROANS)
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
It's okay, buddy. It'll happen
when the time is right.
And with the right person.
Or a trio
of open-minded cousins.
Mary's my person,
I just know it.
Besides, I don't have
many other choices.
Look at this.
"We, the girls of Clone High,
are not attracted to Abe."
Damn, that's a lot
of signatures.
And they notarized it.
Well, I guess
if Mary makes you happy, man.
-That makes us happy, man.
-Oh, yeah.
We'll be supes happy for you
and Mary doing the intercourse.
Thanks, guys.
-Hey, nice penis, Confucius.
-Thank you.
-(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(OWLS HOOTING)
(CARTOON TIPTOEING)
(CARTOON TIPTOEING)
I told you snooping
on Mary would lead
somewhere interesting.
What could she be doing
in the cemetery at night?
We're not snooping,
we're friend-making.
And lots of people hang
in cemeteries at night.
Like for film screenings
or for film screenings.
This sucks.
Frida, why did you wanna
come here?
I didn't wanna come,
I thought you wanted to come.
-Oh, my God. We're the worst.
-I'm just gonna go say hi.
-Hey, Mary. Whazap?
-(MUSIC FADES) ♪
You here for a film screening
like us?
No.
So, what brings you
to the cemetery,
if you don't mind me asking?
On the record.
Just visiting loved ones.
Look how many flowers
she's putting down.
Maybe she has a big family.
Like, a big dead family.
There's got to be something
juicy here! I'm goin' in.
-(CAMERA CLICKS)
-(GASPS)
I didn't say
you could take my picture.
(OMINOUS MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
(GASPS) What?
Why did you do--
How did you do that?
I don't like pictures.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-No, no, no. We're sorry.
We want to be your friend.
Right, guys?
I-- I mean,
I'm definitely not terrified.
-Us, you, friend.
-Very much friend.
We know how much Abe likes you,
and we just wanna make sure
you feel comfortable around us
since we're a big part
of his life.
Me, being the biggest part
of his life as his best friend.
Okay. I see what this is.
Okay, good.
We're getting somewhere.
You're in love with Abe.
-(DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What?
Oh, my God. That's totally why
you're doing this.
I can't believe I didn't see it!
-Yup, now it makes sense.
-Joan, you tricky slut.
No, Abe and I are just friends!
Nothing more, nothing less.
That's what we've always been
and that's what we'll always be!
We can't be friends anymore.
-I'm sorry, Joan.
-Wait, what?
Mary said it's clear
that you "like me" like me.
-So, we can't hang.
-(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Like, at all.
-It's really obvious.
-(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH)
-(GROANS)
But I don't, like,
"like you" like you.
-I'm with Confucius!
-I brought pizza!
You're just my male best friend,
as you have been for years!
Come on, Abe!
You know, I'm starting to think
that maybe having
a girl best friend
is a big reason why
I'm the only guy at school
who's still a virgin.
A friend isn't
what I need right now, Joan.
I need a lover.
-(GASPS)
-Sorry, but this is goodbye.
(SOMBER MUSIC FADES) ♪
Stupid friggin' cords! (GROANS)
(SOMBER MUSIC
RESUMES, CONCLUDES) ♪
I've tried calling Abe,
DM'ing him, snapping at him.
I even sent a messenger pigeon.
And now, the messenger pigeon
isn't even talking to me!
-(SQUAWKS)
-It just talks at me.
I can't believe Mary's
keeping us apart!
Why do you wanna talk
to Abe so bad, Joan?
-'Cause you like him?
-(RECORDER BEEPS)
-No.
-Mary seems to think so.
Yeah. Well, who is Mary anyway?
She's definitely not as manic
and pixie-like as we thought.
And who was she cloned from?
She's never even
said her last name
and there's like
a million Marys from history.
-That's a good point.
-HARRIET TUBMAN: Interesting.
I don't know any Marys
from history.
-(DOOR OPENING)
-Oh, don't mind me.
I am definitely not here
printing out
a list of nearby gravesites home
to untapped historical figures.
Oh, Scudworth!
We were just wondering
who Mary was cloned from.
-Mary?
-Yeah.
Is she like Mary Queen of Scots,
Mary Tudor, Mary Shelley,
Mary Todd Lincoln?
Oh, that would be clever,
wouldn't it?
If I cloned
Abe Lincoln's actual wife
and didn't tell anyone and just
set her loose in the school.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah, that's not what I did.
Oh, you silly clones.
I've never cloned a Mary.
My sister's name is Mary,
and she is human garbage.
And speaking of human garbage,
I am off to the cemetery!
Mr. Scuddleworth
never cloned a Mary?
-Who the eff is she then?
-Oh, we're gonna find out.
(GASPS) Oh, my God. This is it!
This is my story!
I can be the next Gayle King!
Or the next, um-- Um
There's not a lot of famous
Black female investigative
reporters, are there?
-Uh, Gwen Ifill?
-Oh, Gwen Ifill!
I knew that, I was just
about to say Gwen Ifill.
I was about to say it!
Okay. Let's go,
I can't listen to this.
(BOTH MOAN, SMOOCH)
Hey, Mare. Do you think ending
my friendship
with Joan forever
was maybe a bit too harsh?
I've been thinking, too, Abe.
And I think tonight is the night
that I'm finally ready
to have sex with you! (LAUGHS)
That is what you want, right?
Yes. Absolutely. Joan who?
Who needs friends
when I have Mary?
And soon you shall have me
and I'll have you.
(KISSES, CHUCKLES)
See you tonight
at our usual place.
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Yes!
A High School Musical
mid-air jump for joy?
-What's up, Abe?
-It's Mary.
Sorry. Here you go.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-It's Mary! We're gonna do it!
Tonight!
The sex! Real sex!
I've dreamed of this moment
since I was a tall, horny child.
This is a big moment.
Losing my virginity changed me.
I made my first sex pun
that day,
and ever since it's formed
my whole personality.
(LAUGHS) I said "hole." (LAUGHS)
Let's get you ready!
Where are you gonna do it?
The sexiest place in the world,
the cemetery!
(OMINOUS MUSICAL STING) ♪
-What?
-No, nothing.
-Yeah. Congrats.
-Cemetery sex is very normal.
Hope she gives good headstone.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, fellas.
Maybe I'll dig a little grave
and put my virginity in it.
-(LAUGHS)
-Er, uh.
-Hey, that's a good one.
-Cemetery sex is very normal!
-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(HUMS)
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Wow! She doesn't
even lock her door.
No Ring camera, either?
She's just trying
to get kidnapped, huh?
JOAN: Whoa. So many mirrors.
(SCOFFS) The amount of Windex
you have to use
to keep these clean.
-(GASPS)
-Bruh. What in the world?
CLEOPATRA: "Wall of virgins
I've had sex with?"
I hate that font. (SCOFFS)
And what are these?
Affirmations? Pathetic.
JOAN: "You can do it, Mary."
"Go have cemetery sex with Abe."
Ew. "Who cares
if they call you Bloody."
"Don't forget
to unplug the air fryer."
Wait. "Call you Bloody"?
-Uh. Gals
-Wait. No. It-- It can't be.
That's our sleepover night.
That must mean (GASPS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Guys
I don't think she's just "Mary."
I think she's Bloody Mary!
But she went back in the mirror!
Wait, what sleepover was this?
We left you out of that one.
-Right, you weren't invited.
-Persona non grata.
JOAN: So what happened was,
we summoned Bloody Mary
and let her
out of the mirror dimension.
FRIDA KAHLO:
She was hella chill.
We had a great time.
HARRIET: Then she hopped back
in the mirror dimension
and we said goodbye forever.
-JOAN: Or so we thought.
-(SCREAMS)
-What is she doing here?
-It says here.
"Bloody Mary is a demon
that emerges after you look
in a mirror
and say her name three times."
'Kay. Yup. Check.
That was totally us. Okay.
"Bloody Mary then appears
and preys on virgin boys
-to have sex with them"
-(GASPS)
HARRIET: "in order
to steal their life force
and remain youthful.
The only way to force
a stubborn Bloody Mary back
into the mirror dimension
is to say 'please.'
Just kidding, you gotta stand
in front of her
and say 'Bloody Mary'
6,969 times!
If you liked that--" Oh!
"I'd really appreciate it
if you donate to my page."
God damn.
Confucius said Abe
was going to the cemetery
with Mary tonight!
She's not just toxic,
she's a monster who's gonna try
and kill my best friend!
Or suck him dry,
literally and figuratively!
Let's grab the others.
We have to stop her
before it's too late!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
So just to clarify,
am I invited to this?
-Very funny, babe.
-Just come on!
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
-(GRUNTS)
-You can do it.
Shut up! I know I can do it.
Just let me concentrate.
Please, Mama.
Maybe if I just (SCREAMS)
Come on. (GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
Still got it! Eat shit, fence!
Cloney babies, here we come!
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(ABE VOCALIZING)
-JOAN: Abe!
-Oh, hey guys!
Thanks for coming
to cheer me on,
but I'm not sure
if Mary wants an audience.
Mary is a demon who wants
to have sex with you
to steal your soul
and stay young forever!
What? Joan! You're ruining
what is clearly
a very romantic moment!
Abe, my eyebrow doesn't
just freak out over nothing!
This is real!
Your girl Mary is Bloody Mary.
And by the way,
I want first bite at the story.
So if Dateline comes
sniffing around,
just tell 'em
I have an exclusive, yeah?
MARY: Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
(CHUCKLES) Nothing!
Uh, my friends were just leaving
so we can have sex.
They mistakenly thought
that you were
the soul-sucking demon,
Bloody Mary. (LAUGHS)
That's funny.
Because I am!
-(CLONES SCREAM)
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You know what?
Not a deal-breaker.
-But it will kill you, Abe!
-People die all the time, Joan!
Joan is just jealous
and she wants you to herself.
Will people please
stop saying that?
-I'm with Confucius!
-Hi!
We're here
so you don't die, Abe!
Can't you see
this relationship is toxic?
Of course,
I can't see that Joan.
I'm off-the-charts
horny right now!
Okay, guys, come on.
Remember what we have to do
to stop her! 6,969 times!
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
-(GROANS)
-Mary, No!
As much as I want you
to lose it, buddy, Mary sucks.
And not in a good way.
She blows.
Also not in a good way.
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
Stop trying
to lock my snatch latch.
Perhaps my loved ones
can buy some time. (LAUGHS)
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
Bloody Mary.
Oh, no! All the graves
she put flowers on.
Those must be her exes!
Flowers for the guys
she de-flowered. I get it.
-(BOTH SCREAM)
-(GROWLS)
-We gotta stop them!
-(SKELETONS GROWL)
Oh, my God!
I think she's had sex with more
people than me! (SCREAMS)
SCUDWORTH:
Why is this taking so long?
This has to be six feet by now!
I can't do this anymore.
This grave is for me.
Oh, Mr. B, let's face it,
grave robbing
is a young man's game,
and you and I are two old farts.
I wish these dumb bodies
could simply dig themselves up!
-(BOTH SCREAM)
-(GROWLS)
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
-Bloody Mary.
-(GROANS)
CLONES:
(CHANTING) Bloody Mary.
There's too many ex-lovers!
But-- (CHUCKLES)
Check this guy out.
He doesn't even have a head.
My shin! He's treating it
like a corn cob!
-CLONES: Bloody Mary.
-(SCREAMS, GASPS)
Wait, these skeletons
are all teen boys, right?
-(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-CLEO: Yoo-hoo. I'm feeling
so lonely
and yet so sexually experienced!
(GASPS, GROWLS)
Cleo, you gorgeous bitch.
You've done it again.
-(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-Let's finish this!
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
-Bloody Mary.
-Only 6,000 more times! Come on!
-No, no, no!
-No, no, no, no!
(GROANS, GRUNTS)
Not on my watch, stupid.
Take that!
You just made a grave mistake.
(CHUCKLES)
-(SKELETON GROANS)
-Mr. B! We did it!
Now let's take a little sample.
This is all we need to create
the perfect next baby clone
beloved singer Don Ho!
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
CLONES: (CHANTING)
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.
(GROANS) Bloody Mary.
Lips are, uh, too chapped
to say it any-ore! Loody Ary.
Loody Ary. Me either!
We're at 6,966!
Only three ore to go! Loody Ary.
-(BLOODY MARY GROANS)
-It's not working.
Yes, time to sex you. (GROANS)
Wait! I'll do it.
-I'll have sex with you.
-What?
I don't want you to end up
with blue balls.
But we can't let her
give you red balls!
That is the sweetest thing
a friend could offer, JFK,
but I was really not planning
on losing my virginity to a guy.
-Nice try.
-JOAN: I'll do it!
-I'll have sex with you!
-What?
-No!
-Seriously?
She doesn't wanna be
with you, Abe.
She just doesn't want
anyone else to be with you.
-That's how jealous she is!
-Oh, my God. She's right!
I'm just trying
to save my best friend's life.
-Wow.
-Don't listen to her!
I'm the one you want.
Yes, but I also
wanna stay alive.
And I'd be lying if I said
I never thought
about losing my virginity
to Joan, Bloody Mary.
(SCREAMS) What are you doing?
-Oh, right! I said Bloody Mary.
-(GROANS)
Oh, I said it again!
What if I say it backwards?
How do you say
Bloody Mary backwards?
-Oh, crap!
-(SCREAMS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SCREAMS)
How do you like this shade?
Bitch.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Wow. Okay. Back to what
we were talking about.
I'm all yours, Joan.
God, I can't believe
we're actually doing this!
Abe, I'm not having sex
with you now!
I beg your pardon?
We were only doing it
to save your life!
And you put Loody Ary
back in the mirror dimension,
so, you know, life saved.
So, I'm not having sex
with anybody then?
My offer's still good, pal,
if that helps. Nah? All right.
(GROANS)
-Abe, I'm sorry, this--
-Not now, Joan!
This could've been
the best night of my life!
I could've just had sex!
But because of you,
I'm just another
naked virgin in a cemetery!
-Abe!
-Mary was right about you!
(SOBBING)
Offering to have sex
with Abe was genius, babe.
You knew he'd say Bloody Mary
the whole time, didn't you?
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
-You're amazing.
Yes, Joan was a hero,
but it was also clear
that her feelings were more
complicated than she let on.
If you print that, I'll put you
in the mirror dimension.
Copy that.
I will go with my back-up story.
(FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪