Close Enough (2020) s02e07 Episode Script

[ Cellphone chimes, vibrates ]
[ Yawns ]
♪♪
♪♪
Hey!
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
[ Screams ]
♪♪
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Truck crashes ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Sirens wailing ]
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
Pearle?
What's going on?
I'm bailing you
out of here.
Ugh, not again.
♪♪
♪♪
You have a problem,
Bridgette.
You can't put down
your phone.
That's not true,
you're being ridiculous, byeeee.
Whoa.
I was here the whole time
and you didn't even notice!
It's time to call this
what it is.
An addiction.
You need
a no-phone detox.
Uh, no.
This is not an addiction.
I'm perfectly
in control -- Hey!
I was in the middle of texting
Alex to never text me again.
Oh Oh my
Oh, my God!
Oh my God,
what's happening to me?
Your body needs time
to adjust.
But don't worry, nothing bad
ever happened
from not using your phone
for two minutes.
Ohmigod!
Guys, Bridgette hasn't texted
in two minutes.
-What?!
-Bridgette is dead?!
No.
I'm sure she's --
She hasn't posted
in half an hour.
look at the last text
she sent me.
That's exactly
what she'd type
if someone was throwing
a pillow case on her head
and pulling her
into an unmarked van!
We gotta call the cops!
No!
They won't do anything
until she's gone
for at least 48 hours.
If we want to get
Bridgette back
we're on our own.
Where'd you go,
Bridgette?
Where'd you go?
♪♪
[ Panting ]
Pearle, you can give it
back now.
I'm good.
Really good.
I just want to hold it
in my hand, you know?
I'll give it back when I know
you can handle it.
Here. You can't let your fingers
go cold turkey.
[ Beeping ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Roars ]
Bridgette, get ahold
of yourself!
[ Grunting ]
That's the withdrawal
kicking in.
Let's get you a bucket.
44 minutes
since her last update.
Okay, we're ready to post.
Are we sure that's the most
appropriate picture?
It's the one she told me to use
if she ever went missing.
[ Ding! ]
What's happening?
Bridgette's going viral.
Her lifelong dream.
[ Tablet ringing ]
Someone's FaceTiming me.
It's Kristen and Gina
from Podnapped!
Hello?
Hi, Emily?
We're from Podnapped, it's a
podcast where we get buzzed
and talk about
terrifying abductions.
I know!
I've heard every episode.
I have all your merch!
This was a bad gift.
We think our devoted audience
of abduction-istas
could help figure out
who took your friend, Bridgette.
We'd like to record a special
live episode about her.
At. Your. House.
[ Screams ]
Oh my, God. This is so awesome!
I mean helpful.
For finding Bridgette.
Who's missing.
Very sad.
♪♪
How long since
she's checked her phone?
Hour and a half.
Good God.
[ Slow motion ]
Bridgette.
[ Stammers ] Oh, no.
[ Chirps ]
Twitter bird?
Why haven't you checked me,
Bridgette?
I'm just taking a break.
[ Sinister music plays ]
♪♪
No one takes a break!
Feed me content!
Agh!
Get away from me!
♪♪
Come on!
Take a selfie.
You know you want to use
the filters.
Well, I guess one filter
couldn't hurt.
♪♪
Ew, I don't like
that filter!
[ Laughs ]
It's no filter.
What, where am I?
Where are my friends?
He, they're all dead.
We tried to tell you, but you
just kept looking at your phone.
Time to take your medicine.
I don't want to!
[ Screams ]
No!
[ Cellphone ringing ]
♪♪
She was a 26-year-old
stay-at-home influencer.
Then one day
she was gone.
And now, let's hear a theme song
we recorded
while getting trashed
in a Trader Joe's parking lot.
Kristen and Gina,
Gina, Gina, Kristen ♪
Kristen and Gina
on Podnapped! ♪
Man: Hey, get out of the way!
[ Horn honks ]
Come on!
Welcome to a very special
live episode of Podnapped!
We're here with Emily,
Alex, Josh,
and our good friend,
Pinot Grigio.
Emily, when did you notice
that your roommate,
BurningBridgette94,
was missing?
I clocked it right away.
I'm a total podnapper.
Well, then you must know
that 94% of abductors
turn out to be
the victim's best friend.
What?
I didn't do this.
Bridgette was everything
to me.
Ooh, "was", past tense.
That's a slip up.
Pretty much a confession.
Wait, wait, wait.
What qualifies you
to accuse people?
I do warm up for "Conan."
I wear vintage dresses!
So, you guys did it,
right?
-No!
-Liar!
Okay, I love your guys's show,
but none of us took Bridgette!
See how they're protecting
each other?
Exactly what I would expect
from the "Eastside Three."
Cool name!
Eastside Three swag is available
in our store right now.
-How did you?
-We used Pod Swag.
But the real question is
Has gingivitis abducted
your mouth?
Subscribe to Flosslocker
and receive
a new artisanal
dental floss every week.
We actually use this.
[ Whispering ]
We totally don't.
♪♪
I don't think I can do it,
Pearle.
Bridgette, if I can get clean,
anyone can.
You had an addiction?
Oh, I couldn't
live without it.
My whole body was on fire
until I got that next fix.
Oh, my God.
Heroin? Meth?
Six flags.
Magic Mountain.
No, I know what it is.
I had a season pass
for years.
Any ride,
you bet I rode it.
Crazanity, Dive Devil,
Green Lantern First Flight.
I was ridin' that sweet dragon
on the daily.
Then I learned, it was making me
miss out on my real life.
Real life?
You mean that stuff
I take pictures of?
Whoa.
-My theory?
Emily two-buck-chucked
Bridgette into the pot,
while Alex cooked her up with
some mussels and white wine,
and Josh played video games
on the couch.
Case closed.
We didn't eat Bridgette!
You lay out
a pretty airtight case.
So, what do you think,
podballs?
Did they eat her or is she
duct taped to a radiator
waiting to be set free?
Not to mansplain
how podcasts work, ladies,
but I'm pretty sure
you can't hear your listeners.
Oh, we can hear them.
Crowd: Set Bridgette free!
Lock up the Eastside Three!
Set Bridgette free!
Lock up the Eastside Three!
Our fans are the best.
Set Bridgette Free!
Lock up the Eastside Three!
Bridgette, what do you remember
about this picture?
I used the Nashville filter
to make it pretty.
It got 67 likes.
It probably would have
gotten more
if I posted it
later in the day.
But, do you remember
what this latte tasted like?
Wait. Have I ever actually
had a latte?
[ Slurps ]
[ Gasps ]
♪♪
[ Horn blares ]
♪♪
Whoa!
What else have I been
missing out on?
Crowd: Set Bridgette free!
Man:
They took BurningBridgette94,
get 'em!
Oh, no.
Hey!
I'm right here.
I wasn't abducted, I was just
at Pearle's for a couple hours!
I pinot disagree-gio.
This woman looks nothing
like BurningBridgette94.
Yeah, that's not her!
Where'd
the Eastside three go?
Kill them!
Glad to see you're okay,
Bridgette! Gotta go!
[ Chuckles ]
Cool, street justice!
[ Chuckles ]
You won't find
BurningBridgette94,
so stop looking for her!
She's not real.
She's a phony, chasing likes.
I've lost the last 10 years
of my life to my phone,
and I bet you all have, too.
I like this Bridgette --
in the flesh --
and that's the only like I need.
-Boo!
-She's an imposter!
You're not the real
BurningBridgette94!
Wait!
BurningBridgette94 posted!
I don't know where this is from,
but it's definitely her.
You won't find
BurningBridgette94,
so stop looking for her!
What?
I didn't post anything.
Aww.
You posted it?
I didn't want people to miss
what you had to say
just because they were too busy
looking at their phones.
BurningBridgette94's
right.
We need to stop
looking at our phones,
and start looking
at life.
[ Gasps ]
Hey, check out that dog.
Pics or it wasn't cute!
-What breed is it?
-Check Wikipedia.
-Oh, he's fast!
-I'll call an Uber.
What a twist that
she showed up alive.
Oh my, God. That never happens
on Podnapped!
Sorry we accused you,
Emily.
Well, it was wrong what you did,
but since we're besties now,
we can totally hang out
and --
Now that was a podcast!
Yeah, eat shit,
Marc Maron!
I'm good.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the bathroom.
Without my phone.
♪♪
[ Horn blows ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Door banging ]
♪♪
[ Gasps ] Oh!
♪♪
Oooh!
Lady Saveria, I am Rothgar
of the Northern clans.
Legend of your beauty
hath traveled cross the sea.
And legend of your
longsword hath
traveled here.
Lady, thy boldness--
Shusheth!
[ Both moaning ]
♪♪
Rothgar of the Northern
clans
plunder me with your massive
Viking c--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Alex!
You didn't tell us
your new book was dirty!
Uh, 'cause it's not?
"The Rigid Helmet"
is historically
accurate Viking erotica.
[ Murmuring ]
What? You wanna tell me
I'm a pervert or something?
No, I want you
to keep reading.
Really?
You think it's good?
Good? I think you reversed
my menopause.
Now I believe you left off
at Rothgar's big ol' ding dong.
♪♪
♪♪
Pearle: Thanks for letting me
tag along to your big meeting.
Harlot House publishes
all my favorite sexy books.
It's the least I can do.
If you hadn't supported me,
I never would've submitted
my manuscript.
Trust me.
"The Rigid Helmet" will be an
Ophira Book Club pick for sure.
The world's gonna know the name
Alex Dunkleburg.
It's Dorpenberger.
No shit?
Wow
The house that horny built.
The Waif and the Whip,
Sir Colton the Hung.
Queen stud.
God no! I wouldn't touch
that deal
with a dollar-store dildo.
Okay.
Eat shit, Jason.
Alex!
Brienne Bishop.
I loved your book.
Um, hi, actually I'm Alex.
[ Retches ]
Sorry.
I assumed "Alex" was a woman.
The description of love-making
was so tender and feminine.
But you said
you loved the book.
Here's The Deal:
there's no market
for an erotic novel
written by a man.
Let alone one who looks
like a werewolf
that didn't finish
transforming.
Our female audience wants
erotica from someone
who makes them feel safe.
An E.L. James,
a J.Q. Guintel,
anyone,
anyone with two initials
who doesn't immediately
make them vomit.
That's how you get on
Ophira's Book Club.
Wait a second! What if we put
your face on the book.
But I didn't
write this book.
But you encouraged me.
Think about it.
You could go to fancy
literary parties.
You could meet Ophira!
Oh, now!
You had me at "you could
meet Ophira."
Perfect.
We can call you--
APLaPearle!
Stop.
A novel of hot Viking erotica
by an older black lady named
A.P. LaPearle?
Now that I could sell.
[ Applause ]
[ Clears throat ]
The "Rigid Helmet"
chapter four.
"The journey across
the frozen highlands
had been treacherous"
[ Groans ]
With no fire,
I fear we shall freeze.
The only fire we need --
is the fire in our loins.
Oh my!
We know what that means!
[ Laughter ]
"Saveria guided Rothgar
to her glowing embers.
[ Horse whinnies ]
Closer, closer, 'til her body
quaked in ecstasy
and she screamed --"
"Valhallaaaaaaa!"
They loved you!
Oh, please.
You're the book,
I'm just the jacket.
You practically got
that crowd pregnant!
Alex, you sex pig,
start typing.
I want five more of these
disgusting, beautiful books.
And I want you
on a book tour.
Ooh!
But I can't go without Alex.
Sure, Alex can be
your "assistant." Whatever.
A.P. LaPearle is about to become
the Stephen King of books.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
For the next reading,
should I do one scarf or two?
[ Knock on door ]
Oh, my goodness.
Thank you. everybody!
It's from Brienne!
"Great news, perverts!
Ophira read "The Rigid Helmet"
and slid off her chair!
We're talking book club,
you freaks!"
Oooh,
it's happening for me!
Technically,
it's happening for me.
Mm-hmm. Sure, sure.
We need that book.
You keep typing.
I'll care of this.
[ Grunts ]
Ooh, it's from
Washington State.
[ Grunts ]
Honestly, the pages
just come to me.
It doesn't even
feel like work. [ Laughs ]
I love how humble she is.
Ooh, ooh, tell them!
You know what,
I'm gonna tell them --
She's going to be
on Ophira tomorrow!
Reading from
her new work.
[ Crowd gasps ]
Oh, I'd give up my stepson's
Yale admission to get on Ophira.
My stepson got into Yale.
What's the new book about?
This one's about
the eternal schism
between the carnal
and the divine,
set against the Jute conquest
of the sixth century.
A.P., who is this werewolf
and why
is he answering questions
about your next book?
[ Stammers ]
They can not know
he wrote this book!
Because he's my
nosy assistant.
Carry on assisting,
assistant.
The writers are talking.
[ Laughter ]
And get me a pomegranate
La Croix!
And pull your pants up!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Today we've got
A.P. LaPearle!
She's going to read
from her new book,
"The Throbbing Speeeeear!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, where the hell
is your assistant?
I think I may have gone
too far last night.
[ Door opens ]
Finally!
She's about to go on.
Give her the new pages.
No.
I'm gonna read them.
Oh, the frig you are,
buddy!
I'm doing
all of the work,
it's time I got
some of the recognition.
Alex, what's the matter?
You're the book
and I'm the jacket, remember?
Not anymore.
Either I read these pages,
or the pages and I walk.
Okay, bye.
Uh, wait, I di--
You don't think
I have a backup plan?
Harlot House designed an A.I.
that analyzed your novel
and every Wikipedia page
about Vikings,
and it generated a sequel that
is absolutely thigh-quaking.
And you are fired.
♪♪
Who's ready for some
Viking roooomaaance?
Please give a warm welcome
to my new best friend,
A.P. LaaaPeeeearle!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on, Ma,
where are you?
I don't know, this doesn't feel
right without Alex.
Pearle, your idol Ophira
is out there,
waiting to talk to you.
You're the magic behind
A.P. LaPearle,
not Alex Dunkleberg.
It's Dorpenberger.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Who wants to get hooooorny?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ahem.
"The Throbbing Spear,"
chapter one.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Rothgar and Saveria
leaned against
the mast of their ship"
Ooh. I was afraid I'd never feel
your longsword again.
There is no sea
that can keep us apart.
For we Vikings are a seafaring
people who during the 8th
to 11th century
explored wide areas of Europe
and sailed as far West
as Newfoundland.
"'Oh my God,'
Rothgar whispered,
referring to Odin,
the Norse God.
Then 4.92 milliliters
of his seed flowed,
and Saveria savored it like
a typical Viking meal of meat
and vegetables stewed
in a soapstone pot."
No! These are not the words
of A.P. LaPearle!
Get this lunatic out
of here!
This isn't right.
Ophira, I'm sorry.
A.P. LaPearle didn't
write this book
because A.P. LaPearle
doesn't exist!
Alex, get up here!
What is happennnnnning?
[ Grunts ]
I'm sorry.
Go on and show 'em.
Be the book
and the jacket.
Thank you.
He wrote it.
[ Retches ]
[ Audience retching ]
[ All retching ]
You lied to my viewers.
Irequire
vengeaaaaance!
They're in a horny rage!
♪♪
Say something sexual!
Um, supple flesh?
Dewey thighs!
Engorged member.
Insistent thrusting!
Nipple!
♪♪
[ Alarm ringing ]
♪♪
From beneath the pile
of bodies a hand shot out!
Saveria gasped.
The Gods had answered her cries.
Rothgar was alive.
And rock hard.
The end."
Oooh! Alex, that gave me
the ol' gooseflesh!
Thanks for sharing
your sequel with me.
Turns out the only fan
I needed was you, Pearle.
Yeah. We chose friendship over
money, like a couple idiots.
Okay, up top.
[ Glass shatters ]
Alright, that's enough.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪