Code Monkeys (2007) s02e07 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
-Code Monkey
very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dean: It's my dad's birthday.
He's gonna be so psyched!
What's up?
Dave: What do you get a guy
who's killed everything?
A triceratops?
Dean: Even awesomer.
Oh, he's coming.
Hide, everybody.
Larrity: All right, boy.
You know better than
to wake me when I'm taking
an anger nap.
People: Happy birthday, boss!
Larrity: You know I don't
like surprises, boy.
Jerry, get the hell up.
It's only some buckshot.
Jerry: Not again.
Dave: Whoa, tell it to that guy.
Larrity: What's in that box?
Dean: I got you
an awesome birthday present,
Dad.
It's only the last white rhino
in the whole world.
What's up?
Larrity: Sweet molasses cakes.
I'ma send that majestic
mother[beep] right back to hell.
Now, Mary, when I say "pull,"
you best open that crate.
A kill before 10 a.m.
It is my birthday.
Get ready, Dean.
Mary: Great. Nothing could
possibly go wrong here.
Larrity: Pull! Aah!
Dean: Dad, bro!
The inside of your face is now
on the outside of your face!
Larrity [muffled]: Somebody grab
the rest of my teeth.
Dang it, I was gonna watch
that "CHiPs" marathon.
Ha ha! I guess that's out.
Yee-ha!
Listen up, people.
As you all know,
my dummy son gave me
a face full of lead.
Dean: What's up?
Larrity: I'ma be here
for a few days.
Dave: Sweet.
So, the office is closed?
Larrity: Hell no.
It's business as usual.
Somebody needs to take my place.
Jerry lacks balls.
Todd lacks charm
and tolerable body odor.
Uh, Benny is a kid.
He's bright
but he's just a kid.
Black Steve, well, he's black.
Dave is intriguing but
ultimately a terrible idea.
Well, Dean, my boy,
I'm putting you
in charge while I'm gone.
All you gots to do
is produce one game.
It's time for you
to spread your wings, boy.
Dean: OK, bro, but I don't
fly so hot.
Larrity: I mean at the office.
Dean: Oh. I'm gonna
need a ride there.
Shotgun. I called it!
Larrity: God help us all.
Dean: What's up?
This is a pitch meeting.
I want you to say stuff.
My head's gonna move
if I like it or if
I don't like it.
And some of you might
get punched, so, do it!
Mary: This is it.
This is my nightmare.
Jerry: OK. I'll go first.
Um, in my game,
"self-esteem Engine,"
the first--
Dean: Too confusing! Next!
What's up?
Todd: I would like
to resume work on
"Shadow of the Mermen II:
Quest for Daylight."
What say you?
Dean: Ohh.
That's a nerd game, nerd.
Todd: Dean, I hardly think--
Dean: Uh, shut up
or I'm gonna brick your neck.
Dave: You mean break his neck.
Dean: It might.
Man: Hi. Is Mr. Larrity here?
Dean: Yo. I'm Mr. Larrity now
'cause I shot my dad
in the face.
What's up?
Now get lost.
Man: OK. Well,
I'm Howard Scott Warshaw.
Your father hired me last week.
Jerry: The Howard Scott Warshaw?
Legendary designer of
"Yar's Revenge"?
"Raiders of the Lost Ark"?
"Saboteur"?
Howard: "Saboteur"?
That game was never released.
Jerry: Well, yeah, but I have
a bootleg copy.
Someday, the world will know
that game's brilliance, Howie.
Howard: OK.
Jerry: Howard, you're the reason
that I became a programmer.
You're my idol!
Dave: Yeah, Jerry keeps
a picture of you
on the ceiling over his bed.
That makes you his most frequent
sex partner.
Jerry: Shut up, Dave.
What happens at pajama party
stays at pajama party.
Your rule.
Dean: Shut up, everybro!
Come on!
Clare: Dean, it's really hot
when you tell people to shut up.
Tell more people to shut up.
Dean: Shut up, Clare. God!
Clare: Wow.
Dean: Shut up or I'll choke you.
Clare: Yes!
Now throw a stapler at me.
Slap me with it, Dean.
Crack my damn skull, Dean.
Do it!
Mary: Creepshow.
Dean: Everybody get out of here
and go make stuff.
It better be sweet,
or I'm gonna hit you
with this brick!
So, let's rock, bros!
What's up?
Howard: Nice to meet you, Dave,
Mary, Black Steve,
Benny, and Tommy.
Jerry: Bye, Howard. Huh.
Must not have heard me.
[Shouts] Bye, Howard!
Hey, did you notice that Howard
didn't say good-bye to me?
Do you think he hates me?
Dave: That's not
our problemo, dude.
Right now, we have a boss
with the IQ of a sponge.
A contraceptive sponge.
Jerry: I know.
It's terrible.
Dave: Wrong.
It's awesome!
What is terrible is that we have
not found a way to take
advantage of it yet.
Now, how do you trick
a contraceptive sponge?
You go through the back door.
Jerry: Huh?
Dave: I've got it, man.
Damn, I am a va-genius.
Jerry: Um, so, Mr. Larrity, uh,
we've got a game pitch.
Dean: Gotta do it
while you're lifting, bro.
Dave: Uh, Jerry will lift
while I pitch.
Come on, Jerry.
Jerry: I don't really
lift weights.
Dean: Lift, wuss.
Dave: OK, so, the game
is called "Bros," and get this--
it's about bros
doing only things
bros would do
in bro situations.
Dean: Whoa! Dude,
that game sounds awesome!
It reminds me of my real-life
fraternity bros.
Put it into production.
What's up?
Dave: OK, but to
make it professional,
we're gonna need a few things.
One, a naughty nurse costume.
Also, a naughty nurse
and her twin
who is also naughty
to go in the costume
along with their boobs,
and also pizza
to go with the boobs
and the nurse.
And this is all for bros, dude.
Jerry: I can taste death.
Dave: Uh, oh, and Jerry
will require
a blow-up doll of Mary
but only with
a smaller hoo-ha ♪
to make his pee-pee feel
a little [deep voice] mm-mm.
Dean: No problem, bro,
as long as it's for bros.
Dave: Of course it is.
I wouldn't lie about
something like bros.
Mary: Dean being the boss
has got to be
one of the signs
of the apocalypse.
Black Steve: This morning,
he asked me for his allowance.
That's not my job, bitch.
Mary: What is that?
Jerry: It's not a blow-up doll
that looks
like you, so, I don't know.
Mary: This is officially
the worst workplace
in the entire world.
Dave: All right,
listen up, people.
Jerry's dreams came true
and yours can, too.
Just tell Dean what you need
to help you work on
the game "Bros,"
and Dean will give it to you
because he's an idiot.
People: No way.
Jerry: I have to
go to the bathroom now.
Mary: Leave the doll, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh, then I don't
have to go to the bathroom.
Dean: Bros!
Did you hear about "Bros"?
It's totally awesome.
I'm putting
tons of money into it.
What's up?
Black Steve: Holy hell.
He is that stupid.
Dean, I need $2,000.
Dean: For what?
Black Steve: Research.
For "Bros."
Dean: Oh, of course.
No problem, bro.
Mary: I need a new sofa
in my office.
Dean: Why?
Mary: Uh, so I have
somewhere to sit
while I think about
the game "Bros."
Dean: Double cool.
You got it, bro.
Mary: You actually did
something cool for us.
Dave: You can thank me later,
on the sofa.
Clarence: I need
a new ladder ♪
Dean: What for?
Clarence: For bros
to do me on ♪
Todd: I'd like
the office exterior
to be flanked by gargoyles.
I think not only would it add
a touch of class to this place--
Dean: Take that!
Todd: Ooh!
Dave: Dude, you deserved that.
You didn't say
the magic word--"Bros."
Dean: What do you need,
dude bro?
Howard: I don't need anything.
Dean: OK, jerkweeds.
Everybody, I want you to get
back to work. What's up?
Howard: See you tomorrow,
Dave, Mary,
Black Steve, my man.
Jerry: Hey!
OK, Jerry, all right, man.
You're a tough guy.
All right, tough guy,
you can do this.
You have the initiative,
the gall, and the gumption.
There's no way you can fail.
You can do it.
[Dialing phone]
[Line ringing]
Howard on recording:
This is Warshaw Central,
where if your note's
not too appalling,
it's you back
we will be calling.
[Beep]
Jerry: Um, oh, hey, Howard!
Um, Jerry here, uh,
you know, from the office.
I think we forgot to say
good-bye to each other earlier,
and I just didn't want you to
think I was being rude,
so, uh, so, good-bye. Ha ha!
So stupid! Uhh!
[Dialing phone]
[Line ringing]
Howard on recording:
This is Warshaw Central,
where if your note's
not too appalling,
it's you back
we will be calling.
[Beep]
Jerry: Howard! Hey!
It's Jerry again.
Hey, listen,
that last message might've
sounded a little weird.
I hope not. Anywho,
I just wanted to let you know
how cool I think you are.
I'm really excited
to see you tomorrow.
Um, go team. Good-bye!
[Dialing phone]
[Line ringing]
Howard on recording:
This is Warshaw Central,
where if your note's
not too appalling,
it's you back
we will be calling.
Jerry: Uh, guess who?
Ha ha ha!
Just kidding.
It's Jerry again.
Um, I forgot to say that
I got you something
and I'll give it to you
tomorrow at work.
God, I hate myself.
Oh, did that record?
Oh, it probably did!
Oh, that's cool.
Keep going, keep going.
Um, anyway, this is Jerry
signing off from work.
So stupid! Uhh!
Dean: Uhh, uhh, uhh, uhh.
Look, I made business stuff!
Clare: Yes, you did.
You are such a big, important
man, Dean,
and I like that.
And you know what
the best part of being
a big, important man is?
Dean: Uh, no.
Clare: You get to fire people.
Dean: Awesome.
Who do I fire first?
Clare: How about everybody?
Dean: Yeah!
Aw, but then who do I boss?
Clare: Well, who do you
want to hire?
Dean: My bros!
Clare: Are they totally hot?
Dean: Duh, yes.
Clare: Then let's get them
in here.
Now fax me super hard.
Fax me now. Aah!
[Fax machine beeping]
Dean: This chick is rad.
Dean: Bone-Dog bro! Sneaks bro!
Hog bro! What's up?
[Dean and bros talking at once]
Dean: Yo, everybody,
these are my bros
from my fraternity in Florida!
Dean and bros:
Alpha Sigma Sigma!
Hog Bro: You know!
Mary: You went to college?
Dean: Yeah, I'm really smart.
You know, like,
they made my dad give 'em a gym.
This is my bro Bone-Dog.
He's insane!
Bone-Dog: I put a whole codfish
up my butt.
That's why they call me
the Bone-Dog.
Dean: And this is my bro
the Hog.
Hog: [Oink oink]
What's up?
They call me that because
I ride a motorcycle.
Dean: Yo, and 'cause you dated
a hog, bro. What's up?
Hog: Oh, yeah.
Dean: Yo, and last
but not least,
my bro Sneaks!
Sneaks: They call me Sneaks
'cause I sneak into
girls' rooms at night
and I steal their panties.
And sometimes, I have sex with
them when they're passed out.
I'll totally sneak you, bro.
Clare: Cool.
You guys are hot.
Dean: My bros are here to help
out with our new game "Bros."
Bone-Dog's our new broducer,
Sneaks is our new broordinator,
and Hog's gonna head up
the brogramming.
Black Steve: Damn, like this
place needs more crackers.
Dean: Now, everybody get
psyched, because it's rush week,
and if you don't rush,
then you get fired.
Come on, bros, I'll show you
around the frat house.
Dean and bros:
Alpha Sigma Sigma!
Dean: What?
Dean and bros:
Alpha Sigma Sigma!
Bone-Dog: Whoo!
Mary: What the hell?
We can be fired?
This is so not cool.
Clarence: Who cares?
I'm gonna get ♪
Paddled like an Eskimo kayak ♪
Jerry: Dave?
Dave: Huh. Mixed emotions
about this one.
Check in with me later.
Jerry: Hey, Howard.
Sorry about those weird messages
from last night.
Answering machines are
funny things, right?
Howard: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Jerry: Oh, hey,
I-I got you this.
Um, you know, I was
thinking about you.
Only in a cool way.
They're shoes, so,
I thought maybe you could
try them on
and if they fit
or if they don't,
we could just go out to lunch
together or whatever.
Howard: Uh, I don't eat lunch.
Ever.
Look, I gotta go.
See you later, Dave.
Jerry: Bye, Howard!
Dave: Jerry, you are driving
the short bus to Weirdo City.
You do not buy
another man shoes.
Jerry: Yeah, I guess
that is sorta weird.
[Rock music playing]
Bone-Dog: Nerd alert.
Todd: Oh, God, no!
Bone-Dog: How'd you like to be
the rear admiral, bro?
Todd: An official rank.
Intriguing.
OK. Aah!
Dean: Ah-ha!
You're in nerd pain.
Todd: I demand that you cease!
Hog: It was a joke!
Let us make it up to you.
Sneaks: We want to take you
to the Purple Nipple
right now, bro.
Todd: Yes.
Looking at female boobs
is a form of male bonding,
I've been told.
Fellows, let us create
the mammary memories at once.
Quick step! Aah!
Bone-Dog:
You're already there, bro.
Todd: Tou-che.
My nipples are indeed purple.
Egads. It's grades
one through 12 all over again.
Jerry: Hey, Howard,
it's, uh, it's Jerry again.
I wanted to see--
Dave: No more, dude.
Jerry: All right.
I'll just let it go.
Dean: Hey, bros.
My dad just called and he wants
a brogress report.
How are we doing on "Bros"?
Dave: Let me show you
the brototype.
Dean: Brototype?
Hells yeah, bro!
Dave: In "Bros" level one,
you're a bro
whose mission is to chug beer.
Dean: That's awesome, dude, but
make it awesomer. High five.
Sneaks: Make this guy
chug more beer.
[Dave sighs] Man, just watch
a few more seconds, OK, dude?
Dean: You're so thinking
outside the box, bro.
Hog: Yeah, he's synergizing.
This guy totally deserves
a bromotion.
Dean and bros: Bro, bro, bro,
bro, bro, bro, bro!
Bone-Dog: Nice rack.
You need some spice with that?
Mary: Er, huh?
Hog: Nice nipples, lady.
Your war helmets are awesome.
Mary: Good time for a wet
t-shirt contest, huh, boys?
Bone-Dog: Yeah, wet t-shirt,
dude. Par-tay!
Mary: You win!
Bone-Dog: Oh, my glutes, dude!
Todd: Uhh.
Please have mercy on me.
My nipples are very sore
from your twisting
and my rectum is truly aflame.
Bone-Dog: I'll have mercy
if you tell us
what the capital of Thailand is.
Todd: Bangkok.
Bone-Dog: Oh, yeah, dude.
Whatever you say!
Todd: Ooh!
Sneaks: Rad.
Hog: Classic.
Todd [voice breaking]:
Will this never end?
[Crying] Am I not a man?
Mary: You're not a very
convincing woman.
Dean: Thanks for coming out
to the meeting.
If you're present, say "Sup!"
Bros: Sup.
Dean: Cool.
Now it's time to get on
with the brogram.
Bone-Dog: I'd like to broceed
to the next
piece of business, bros.
It's the power pole.
Grab my shaft, dude.
Black Steve: Nah.
[Snakes and Hog talking at once]
Dean: Hey, that violates
brotocol.
Mary: Aah! Will you please
stop it with the bros!
There is no such thing
as brotocol.
Dean: What are you
talking about, bro?
Clare: Dean, remember
what we said
you could do to
mean, ugly people?
Dean: Uh, choke 'em?
Clare: Yes, but also
fire them!
Dean: Oh, yeah!
Dude, Mary, Black Steve,
you both are being
very unprofessional,
and that kind of behavior
is dumb.
You two are fired.
Now get out of my sight.
Mary: Good! You're an ass.
Clare: You heard him, losers.
Clare's in charge--I mean, Dean.
Now get out before
I call the cops.
Black Steve: This ain't over.
Dean: All right, everybody,
it's time for a pep talk.
Now, we have to be
more broficient
so we can increase broductivity.
I want all of you
to be more broactive
about your broformance today.
Bone-Dog: Brotally, man.
Dean: Yo, that's not a word.
Party foul on Bone-Dog.
Let's get him!
Sneaks: Yeah!
[Men hooting]
Dean: You guys are
the best, man.
Clare: I'm going to wear this
when I marry
the most powerful man
at GameaVision.
I love you.
I love you.
Say you love me!
Dean: Uhh! I love you,
too, dude. Whatever.
[Phone rings]
Larrity: Dean!
Dean: Oh, hey, Dad bro.
What's up?
Larrity: My face is feeling
much better, so,
I'm coming back
to the office tomorrow,
and there better be a game
waiting for me to look at.
Dean: Whatever, man!
Stop hassling me, bro.
You are not the boss of me!
Larrity: I do not
believe my ears.
Are you sassin' me, boy?
If there's no game,
you can forget about
that new Sea-Doo I promised.
Dean: Oh, we totally don't have
"Bros" finished.
What are we gonna do?
My ass is grass.
Clare: I thought you were a man,
but you're only a boy.
Dean: What?
No, make your words slow down.
Clare: You want to bone me,
you have to kill your dad,
and then you'll become
more awesomer.
Dean: Yo, but Daddy
is my dad, bro.
Clare: Do you want
to do me or not?
Dean: Uh, yeah.
Why are you doing this to me?
Clare: There's only one thing
to do, Dean--
kill Mr. Larrity.
Kill him!
Dean: No way, dude.
Then I won't get a Sea-Doo.
Clare: You can buy
a fleet of Sea-Doos
when you're the only boss.
Todd: Holy lord of
the black elk.
Patricide.
Larrity: Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Gosh, these face rehab
exercises are a bitch!
Mary: Mr. Larrity
we need to talk.
Black Steve: You know I'm
usually respectful of
your decisions, no matter
how [beep] stupid they are,
but this is just
[beep] ridiculous.
You've got frat boys
going wild at the company.
There's goats [beep] everywhere.
Mary: Dean just fired
Black Steve and me,
which means that not a single
responsible adult
remains at GameaVision.
I say we burn the mother down.
Larrity: That fat one
with the helmet's
still there, isn't he?
Todd: Sire, I bring
dread tidings.
I beg you, do not shoot the ma--
luckily, that bullet
was deflected by
my teet guards.
Larrity: Quit your yapping
about your metal bikini
and tell me the bad news!
Todd: The witch Claire has cast
a spell upon Dean.
She has enchanted him with
the promise of forbidden fruit.
Larrity: Her lady plum?
Todd: Among other sweet meats
to be surrendered
only upon your death.
Larrity: Hell, I'm almost
outta here!
Todd: Sire, he plans
to kill you.
Larrity: That figures.
Us Larrity men
have always been susceptible
to the charms
of a woman who don't
give away her produce.
I once killed 5 men just to have
lunch with Dixie Carter.
Black Steve: You wanna
go back there
and settle this street style?
Todd: Stop that.
I must return these
to the "Conan" exhibit or
Grace Jones will be pissed off.
Larrity: There's only one way
to fight a fraternity,
and that's to be a fraternity.
Mary: But I'm a woman.
Larrity: Verdict's still out
on that, fella.
[Clink]
Jerry: Howard!
Howard, are you home?
[Glass shatters]
Howard: What the hell?
Oh, it's on now.
Jerry: Hi, Howard!
I just wanted
to talk to you about something.
Now, I know we're not
best buds yet,
but your game "Yar's Revenge"
got me through some
really tough times,
like when my mom left my dad
for my other mom.
I would imagine that I was Yar,
firing my Zorlon Cannon
trying to destroy Qotile,
who in my mind was my mom,
and I'd think one day,
I'll take back Zerak 4,
and I'll throw them
right at my dad!
Howard: Yes,
that's the guy, officer,
and I hope you brought
the heavy jacket,
because this dude is unhitched.
Officer: Sir, I'm going to have
to ask you to come with us.
Jerry: Did you know that
after you kill Qotile,
your initials "HSW" can be
seen on the screen?
At least say good-bye!
[Rock music playing]
Mary: So, what's the plan?
Larrity: Follow my lead. Hyah!
Bone-Dog: Sup, old bros?
Hold on--I smell money
and farts.
Are you Dean's dad?
Larrity: That's right,
and I banged your mama.
Bone-Dog: Whoa, dude,
right to the mom joke.
That's messed up, bro.
Larrity: And she smelled like
Galveston at low tide.
Now point me towards my son Dean
so I can go kill him,
and none of you Alpha Sigma
Sigma pirates'll get hurt.
Bone-Dog: Bro, if you want
to get to Dean, bro,
you gotta go through us, bro.
Larrity: Fine!
We hereby challenge
your fraternity for
rights to this house.
Sneaks: We accept
your challenge,
as required by
the ancient brotocols.
Larrity: Then let us broceed.
Man: "Fight for the Frat House,"
challenge one:
paddle battle.
[Men grunting]
Bone-Dog: Hey, bro, come over
and grab a paddle, man.
Dave: Oh, man, you idiots
make me feel like a genius.
Man: Winner--Alpha Sigma Sigma.
Challenge two--brodeo.
[Men grunting]
Man: Winner--"Big" T. Larrity.
Bone-Dog: Oh, man,
this is brotesque.
Man: Challenge 3--baby pool
beer chug.
Hog: The only rule is
if you barf,
you have to barf in the beer.
[All slurping]
[Todd vomits]
[Mary and Hog vomit]
[Sneaks vomits]
[Black Steve vomits]
Hog: Bro for it, Bone-Dog.
Black Steve:
Suck on it, Larrity!
[Bone-Dog vomits]
Man: And the house goes to
"Big" T. Larrity.
Larrity: We beat you Alpha Sigma
Sigma holes fair and square.
Now step aside.
It's time for me
to kill my son.
Todd: Uhh. Bone-Dog,
my nemesis, myself,
good night, sweet prince.
[Indistinct]!
Bone-Dog: [Muffled speech]
[Todd farting]
Todd: Shh.
There will be no dreams.
Clare: This is a mess.
You don't send a frat boy
to do a frat man's job, Dean.
Dean: I don't get it.
My bros are
usually super good at
beating people up.
We practice all the time.
Clare: Well, your bros blew it.
If you ever want to put
your you-know-what
in my you-know-where--
Dean: Wait, what? Where?
Why are you talking
in code and stuff?
Are you a spy, bitch?
Clare: You'll find out
after you kill your father.
Dean: Fine.
Let's do this thing!
Oh, hey, Dad.
What's up?
Uh, your face looks fancy,
so, that's cool.
Larrity: Well, son,
I heard you wanted to kill me.
Dean: Yeah, sorta, but,
you know, whatever.
What's up?
Larrity: I'm afraid
I can't let you do that.
Dean: OK, that's cool.
I'm just gonna go
back to my office then.
Ow, my blood!
Damn it, my skin
got his ass kicked hard.
Larrity: And so, natural order
is restored once again.
Clare: Um, this was
all Dean's idea.
Don't shoot me.
Your face looks really good.
Larrity: I ain't gonna shoot ya.
In fact, I'm giving you a raise.
You showed some serious
management potential, ugly.
Clare: Thanks.
It's a push-up bra.
Larrity: Boys, we have
had our fun,
but you know I gots to fire you.
Sneaks: It's cool.
I'm gonna go back
to Bear Stearns.
Dave: You know, it was fun being
an Alpha Sigma Sigma
while it lasted, sorta.
I guess.
I don't know.
Dave and Sneaks:
Alpha Sigma Sigma!
Dean: Yo, someone should really
call Bone-Dog's wife.
Dave: Where the hell
have you been?
Jerry: At County.
Some dude named Oscar
took my underpants.
Dave: You were in jail?
Jerry: Heh. It's a private joke
between me and Howard.
Howard thought it'd be
a really funny joke
if he put me in jail,
and it's cool because
good pals can take a joke,
and I took it, so, I guess that
means that we're good pals!
Howard: Heh heh heh.
Not so much.
In fact, I'm giving notice.
I'm packing up, moving my family
someplace safe.
Later, bros.
Jerry: Did you hear that?
Howard said good-bye to me.
Dave: I'm pretty sure he was
looking at me when he said it.
Jerry: Hey, Howard, you were
saying good-bye to me, right?
[Elephant trumpets]
Dean: You two are fired.
Now get out of my sight.