Corporate (2017) s02e07 Episode Script
Labor Day
1 [Fly buzzing.]
[Elevator humming.]
[Elevator bell dings.]
I can't fucking believe we have to fucking work on fucking Labor Day.
It's like everyone died.
Except worse, because they didn't.
At least there are fewer distractions here than at home.
I can't believe Kate and John gave us an assignment due the day after Labor Day.
This is corporate fascism, and we are big-time victims.
In fairness, they did give us the assignment two months ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were we supposed to do? Evenly spread out the work over the course of a few weeks? You're right.
That's crazy.
We are big-time victims.
Thank you! [Scoffs.]
[Ding!.]
[Singsong voice.]
It's beginning to look a lot like Labor Day.
Now that we have every light source in the building running through one outlet, let's write this speech about reducing Hampton DeVille's carbon footprint.
God, it's hot in here.
I forgot they turn the A/C off over the weekend.
Why did we even wear suits today? Nobody's here.
I guess I was sort of on autopilot this morning.
Most of the time, I'm barely paying attention to what I'm doing.
Sometimes I don't even realize I'm at work until I'm leaving for the day.
[Slurps.]
Oh! That coffee's from Friday.
If we're gonna be trapped here on a holiday, let's at least be comfortable.
Okay, we know basically what they need to say.
Let's just throw some stuff out there.
All right.
How about this? "Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and we're responsible for a string of murders across Central Florida in 2003.
" "Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and for the next few minutes, try not to imagine us having terrifying sex.
" Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and we flew here today on a private fucking jet to tell you about how the environment is in trouble.
Are you giving a speech or guiding a plane on the tarmac? I'm using my hands to speak.
Any good public speaker will tell you that the hands are the mouth of the torso.
No one will tell you that.
But if they did, they would use their hands.
Okay.
How about this for a second sentence? "Hampton DeVille is going green.
" Ohh! Powerful.
Sorkin-esque.
This is really starting to come together.
I'm hungry.
Oh, are you? Yeah.
I are.
[Drawers sliding.]
Ooh! Really fancy cookies.
I think Grace knew we would do this and she left those there for us to find.
I can't think of another reason they'd be here.
What else does she have in here? - Oh, my God.
- Mmm.
Is this a mouse house? Whoa.
This is crazy.
The attention to detail is shocking.
Is that a coffee table made of staples? That's Grace's portrait on the wall above the mouse's bed.
Is that a dart board with a cat's face on it? That's clever.
The floor's made of Popsicle sticks.
This must have taken hundreds of hours.
- It's a mouseterpiece.
- Okay.
You think you know someone for years, and then you see something like this, and you're like, "I don't know who this person is, and I never did.
" I don't think I'll ever recover from seeing this.
Okay.
We should really get back to work.
Definitely.
[Clanking.]
Whoa.
This guy's been busy.
MATT: Jackpot! [Tchaikovsky's "Piano Concerto No.
1 in B flat minor" playing.]
Wait, Matt.
That's a Christmas tin.
That popcorn is nine months old.
See? That's where you're wrong.
But don't worry.
Popcorn doesn't expire.
- It's like yogurt.
- Oh! "I had the dream again.
Christian told me I had good taste in music.
The feeling was unlike anything else I've ever experienced.
The next thing I knew, I was flying, soaring, in fact, sitting on Christian's shoulders, and I had no idea where I left my bikini top.
" Okay.
It's tasteful.
Whoa.
That's a lot of stress balls.
Are these bite marks? We should really get back to work.
[Hollow clanking.]
Best moment of my life was hitting a home run in Little League.
I was 9, and I was terrible at baseball.
Awful.
But then, one time at bat, I stepped up to the plate, swung as hard as I could, and blasted it over the fence! Nobody on my team had hit a home run all season.
But there I was, Fatty Matty, standing at home plate stunned Puhh! as the ball flew over the fence.
I have never again felt anything even really approaching the joy that I felt that day.
Your life would be a Greek tragedy if it weren't so boring.
All right, one more pitch, and then let's get back to work.
[Crack!.]
Whoo! Fatty Matty does it again! [Doors creaking.]
- Is that a dinosaur? - [Distant thud.]
Did you hear something? CHRISTIAN: No, working from home wasn't really an option.
Too many distractions.
I never should have bought that rock tumbler.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
I don't know why I agreed to give this speech in the first place.
I mean, the last thing I fucking need is another fucking honorary degree from fucking Harvard.
[Laughs.]
I know.
All right.
Uh, talk soon, Eminem.
[Thud.]
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in the air They fly so high Nearly reach the sky Then, like my dreams, they fade and die [Clears throat.]
Good evening.
I'm Christian DeVille.
This honorary degree from Harvard is going to sit in the trunk of my car.
Oh, come on, Chrissy.
Okay.
Um, I'm Christian DeVille.
And I was rejected by Harvard.
But that didn't stop me from becoming a self-important asshole.
You're a wizard, Christian.
So you're going to Hogwarts.
[Gasps.]
Ohh! You're looking quite handsome tonight, Professor McGonagall.
Would you care to go out for a butter beer? Shut up, Draco! You dirty Slytherin! I'll see you on the Quidditch field! [Soft crunch.]
Avada Kedavra, Snape! Thank you, Mr.
President of Harvard, for this honorary doctorate degree.
But it would certainly be a shame if somebody cut it in half! Ahh.
[Inhales sharply.]
[Sword thuds.]
Hmm.
Okay, Chrissy.
Here are the rules.
You slice this pear, you go back to work.
- [Swish!.]
- [Groans.]
- [Swish!.]
- [Groans.]
[Doors creak softly.]
- [Swish!.]
- [Grunts.]
[Thud.]
[Crunch.]
Who's out there?! - Those are my pants.
- Shit.
Sorry.
[Both breathing heavily.]
Can you tie my tie? It takes me like five times every time.
It'll just be faster if you do it.
Umm - Hurry up, Jake.
- Shut up! "And, ultimately, going green isn't just for us.
Going green is for future generations.
" [Chuckles softly.]
JAKE: Ohh! Mr.
DeVille.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Working on Labor Day, if you can believe it.
We've been holed up in this office all day.
There's an intruder in the building.
And they're still at large.
Come with me.
CHRISTIAN: I don't think I've ever been down here before.
MATT: This is our floor.
It's sort of the nerve center of the company.
[Fly buzzing.]
It's very sad.
- [Clattering.]
- [Christian screams.]
[Sighs.]
I have to say this little hunt is starting to feel downright spooky.
We're like the Hardy Boys, huh? [Chuckles.]
No.
"Scooby-Doo.
" You're Scooby.
You're Shaggy.
And I'm Velma.
She was the smart one.
MATT: Well, looks like the cafeteria's empty.
Whew.
Y-You know what they used to do in "Scooby-Doo"? They'd get distracted and make these really big sandwiches.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
[Tchaikovsky's "Piano Concerto No.
1 in B flat minor" playing.]
CHRISTIAN: So you two were the only ones here all day, and you worked the whole time? Yeah.
I guess you could say work is our passion.
Impressive.
I'm a bit of a procrastinator myself.
If I don't want to do something, oh, I just start goofing off.
I can't picture that.
I hate it when something gets stuck in my teeth.
Ruins my whole day.
It always happens to me with popcorn.
Popped corn? Oh.
Yeah.
I went to the movies last night and saw the new Oscar-nominated animated shorts with my friend "Popcorn" David Corn.
Anyway, the shorts were The shorts were really interesting shorts.
- Uh, there was - Dave is a really solid dude.
Hm.
You know what I'm always tempted to do when I'm here alone? What? Snoop around in other people's offices.
Wouldn't that be fun? "Last night I had my favorite dream again.
I was a lioness.
" [Laughs.]
"Licking Christian's head.
It tasted even better than the last time.
" What's that? I don't know.
Let's take a look.
Okay.
I think I'm done looking through John's office.
Hmm.
CHRISTIAN: When I was 8 years old, I hit a home run in Little League, which was a bit of a miracle because typically, I couldn't hit a thing.
[Grunts.]
Aah! All the boys used to call me Missy Chrissy.
I rode the bench all year.
But final game of the season, coach had no choice but to put me in.
[Grunts.]
The game was tied.
Bottom of the ninth.
I stepped up to the plate.
And I knocked it out of the park! [Chuckles.]
You know, even though - I own a multibillion-dollar corporation - [Spits.]
hitting that home run is still the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
[Grunts, laughs.]
Oh, G I'm just kidding.
But those Harvard idiots will eat that up.
I'm gonna put that in my speech.
All right.
One more, and then we get back to work.
Now, put a little stink on this one, Shaggy Koufax.
[Clank!.]
In your face, Shaggy! Missy Chrissy does it again! Hey, Matt! Look what I found! CHRISTIAN: And the crowd goes wild! [Laughs.]
[Grunts.]
John! What are you doing here?! I ordered a beautiful poster as a little Labor Day present for my wife, but I forgot it in my office.
- What, you give Labor Day gifts? - Well, yeah.
Well, we always exchange gifts on Labor Day.
I mean, this is our first one, but we always do it.
- She got me a CD tower.
- John! I don't know how to explain this to you, but Christian has been stalking the hallways of Hampton DeVille with a sword looking for an intruder eating popcorn, and right now you fit the description! You need to get out of here, or he's gonna kill you! - I had a dream about this.
- Go! John.
Ball.
Who were you just talking to? Nobody.
I mean, myself.
You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Shaggy? [Crunch.]
Popped corn.
I think we should get back to work.
That's a great idea.
And find that intruder once and for all.
[Crunch.]
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in the air They fly so high Nearly reach the sky Then, like my dreams, they fade and die Fortune's always hiding - I've looked everywhere - [John breathing rapidly.]
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in - Mr.
DeVille, wait! - Why? [Squeaking.]
Well, who do we have here? So you're the intruder.
[Laughs.]
And what a cute little intruder you are.
I'm going to name you Trudy.
Trudy the Intruder.
[Laughs.]
Well, Scooby, Shaggy, it looks like we've solved our mystery.
Or should I say mouse-tery? [Laughs.]
Ha ha ha.
Ha.
Boys, it's been fun, but I've got to get back to work.
I'm going to lock myself in this office and not leave until I'm finished.
MATT: Uh, but we still haven't looked through Kate's office.
Now, Shaggy.
That'll have to wait until next Labor Day.
Please find her a nice home.
[Squeaking.]
Happy Labor Day, Trudy.
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in the air They fly so high Nearly reach the sky Well, Trudy, thanks for saving us.
I wish I could take you home and feed you to Pebbles, but you showed me kindness, so I will do the same to you.
Fortune's always hiding - Okay, what do we have so far? - [Exhales sharply.]
"Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and Hampton DeVille is going green.
" Great.
This thing is gonna write itself.
We just hunker down and focus, we'll be done in no time.
- Agreed.
- [Slurps.]
Oh! By the way, I did a photo shoot with Pebbles last night.
- You want to see? - Of course, I fucking want to see.
Get over here.
Pretty bubbles - She's a natural beauty.
- She really pops on the screen.
She's a born star, and I'll fucking kill anyone who says otherwise.
- She should be in the movies.
- That's what I keep saying.
It's just the things that you do They make me go kind of creepy Ha-ha, I don't know But I love it
[Elevator humming.]
[Elevator bell dings.]
I can't fucking believe we have to fucking work on fucking Labor Day.
It's like everyone died.
Except worse, because they didn't.
At least there are fewer distractions here than at home.
I can't believe Kate and John gave us an assignment due the day after Labor Day.
This is corporate fascism, and we are big-time victims.
In fairness, they did give us the assignment two months ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What were we supposed to do? Evenly spread out the work over the course of a few weeks? You're right.
That's crazy.
We are big-time victims.
Thank you! [Scoffs.]
[Ding!.]
[Singsong voice.]
It's beginning to look a lot like Labor Day.
Now that we have every light source in the building running through one outlet, let's write this speech about reducing Hampton DeVille's carbon footprint.
God, it's hot in here.
I forgot they turn the A/C off over the weekend.
Why did we even wear suits today? Nobody's here.
I guess I was sort of on autopilot this morning.
Most of the time, I'm barely paying attention to what I'm doing.
Sometimes I don't even realize I'm at work until I'm leaving for the day.
[Slurps.]
Oh! That coffee's from Friday.
If we're gonna be trapped here on a holiday, let's at least be comfortable.
Okay, we know basically what they need to say.
Let's just throw some stuff out there.
All right.
How about this? "Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and we're responsible for a string of murders across Central Florida in 2003.
" "Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and for the next few minutes, try not to imagine us having terrifying sex.
" Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and we flew here today on a private fucking jet to tell you about how the environment is in trouble.
Are you giving a speech or guiding a plane on the tarmac? I'm using my hands to speak.
Any good public speaker will tell you that the hands are the mouth of the torso.
No one will tell you that.
But if they did, they would use their hands.
Okay.
How about this for a second sentence? "Hampton DeVille is going green.
" Ohh! Powerful.
Sorkin-esque.
This is really starting to come together.
I'm hungry.
Oh, are you? Yeah.
I are.
[Drawers sliding.]
Ooh! Really fancy cookies.
I think Grace knew we would do this and she left those there for us to find.
I can't think of another reason they'd be here.
What else does she have in here? - Oh, my God.
- Mmm.
Is this a mouse house? Whoa.
This is crazy.
The attention to detail is shocking.
Is that a coffee table made of staples? That's Grace's portrait on the wall above the mouse's bed.
Is that a dart board with a cat's face on it? That's clever.
The floor's made of Popsicle sticks.
This must have taken hundreds of hours.
- It's a mouseterpiece.
- Okay.
You think you know someone for years, and then you see something like this, and you're like, "I don't know who this person is, and I never did.
" I don't think I'll ever recover from seeing this.
Okay.
We should really get back to work.
Definitely.
[Clanking.]
Whoa.
This guy's been busy.
MATT: Jackpot! [Tchaikovsky's "Piano Concerto No.
1 in B flat minor" playing.]
Wait, Matt.
That's a Christmas tin.
That popcorn is nine months old.
See? That's where you're wrong.
But don't worry.
Popcorn doesn't expire.
- It's like yogurt.
- Oh! "I had the dream again.
Christian told me I had good taste in music.
The feeling was unlike anything else I've ever experienced.
The next thing I knew, I was flying, soaring, in fact, sitting on Christian's shoulders, and I had no idea where I left my bikini top.
" Okay.
It's tasteful.
Whoa.
That's a lot of stress balls.
Are these bite marks? We should really get back to work.
[Hollow clanking.]
Best moment of my life was hitting a home run in Little League.
I was 9, and I was terrible at baseball.
Awful.
But then, one time at bat, I stepped up to the plate, swung as hard as I could, and blasted it over the fence! Nobody on my team had hit a home run all season.
But there I was, Fatty Matty, standing at home plate stunned Puhh! as the ball flew over the fence.
I have never again felt anything even really approaching the joy that I felt that day.
Your life would be a Greek tragedy if it weren't so boring.
All right, one more pitch, and then let's get back to work.
[Crack!.]
Whoo! Fatty Matty does it again! [Doors creaking.]
- Is that a dinosaur? - [Distant thud.]
Did you hear something? CHRISTIAN: No, working from home wasn't really an option.
Too many distractions.
I never should have bought that rock tumbler.
Yeah.
[Laughs.]
I don't know why I agreed to give this speech in the first place.
I mean, the last thing I fucking need is another fucking honorary degree from fucking Harvard.
[Laughs.]
I know.
All right.
Uh, talk soon, Eminem.
[Thud.]
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in the air They fly so high Nearly reach the sky Then, like my dreams, they fade and die [Clears throat.]
Good evening.
I'm Christian DeVille.
This honorary degree from Harvard is going to sit in the trunk of my car.
Oh, come on, Chrissy.
Okay.
Um, I'm Christian DeVille.
And I was rejected by Harvard.
But that didn't stop me from becoming a self-important asshole.
You're a wizard, Christian.
So you're going to Hogwarts.
[Gasps.]
Ohh! You're looking quite handsome tonight, Professor McGonagall.
Would you care to go out for a butter beer? Shut up, Draco! You dirty Slytherin! I'll see you on the Quidditch field! [Soft crunch.]
Avada Kedavra, Snape! Thank you, Mr.
President of Harvard, for this honorary doctorate degree.
But it would certainly be a shame if somebody cut it in half! Ahh.
[Inhales sharply.]
[Sword thuds.]
Hmm.
Okay, Chrissy.
Here are the rules.
You slice this pear, you go back to work.
- [Swish!.]
- [Groans.]
- [Swish!.]
- [Groans.]
[Doors creak softly.]
- [Swish!.]
- [Grunts.]
[Thud.]
[Crunch.]
Who's out there?! - Those are my pants.
- Shit.
Sorry.
[Both breathing heavily.]
Can you tie my tie? It takes me like five times every time.
It'll just be faster if you do it.
Umm - Hurry up, Jake.
- Shut up! "And, ultimately, going green isn't just for us.
Going green is for future generations.
" [Chuckles softly.]
JAKE: Ohh! Mr.
DeVille.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Working on Labor Day, if you can believe it.
We've been holed up in this office all day.
There's an intruder in the building.
And they're still at large.
Come with me.
CHRISTIAN: I don't think I've ever been down here before.
MATT: This is our floor.
It's sort of the nerve center of the company.
[Fly buzzing.]
It's very sad.
- [Clattering.]
- [Christian screams.]
[Sighs.]
I have to say this little hunt is starting to feel downright spooky.
We're like the Hardy Boys, huh? [Chuckles.]
No.
"Scooby-Doo.
" You're Scooby.
You're Shaggy.
And I'm Velma.
She was the smart one.
MATT: Well, looks like the cafeteria's empty.
Whew.
Y-You know what they used to do in "Scooby-Doo"? They'd get distracted and make these really big sandwiches.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
[Tchaikovsky's "Piano Concerto No.
1 in B flat minor" playing.]
CHRISTIAN: So you two were the only ones here all day, and you worked the whole time? Yeah.
I guess you could say work is our passion.
Impressive.
I'm a bit of a procrastinator myself.
If I don't want to do something, oh, I just start goofing off.
I can't picture that.
I hate it when something gets stuck in my teeth.
Ruins my whole day.
It always happens to me with popcorn.
Popped corn? Oh.
Yeah.
I went to the movies last night and saw the new Oscar-nominated animated shorts with my friend "Popcorn" David Corn.
Anyway, the shorts were The shorts were really interesting shorts.
- Uh, there was - Dave is a really solid dude.
Hm.
You know what I'm always tempted to do when I'm here alone? What? Snoop around in other people's offices.
Wouldn't that be fun? "Last night I had my favorite dream again.
I was a lioness.
" [Laughs.]
"Licking Christian's head.
It tasted even better than the last time.
" What's that? I don't know.
Let's take a look.
Okay.
I think I'm done looking through John's office.
Hmm.
CHRISTIAN: When I was 8 years old, I hit a home run in Little League, which was a bit of a miracle because typically, I couldn't hit a thing.
[Grunts.]
Aah! All the boys used to call me Missy Chrissy.
I rode the bench all year.
But final game of the season, coach had no choice but to put me in.
[Grunts.]
The game was tied.
Bottom of the ninth.
I stepped up to the plate.
And I knocked it out of the park! [Chuckles.]
You know, even though - I own a multibillion-dollar corporation - [Spits.]
hitting that home run is still the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
[Grunts, laughs.]
Oh, G I'm just kidding.
But those Harvard idiots will eat that up.
I'm gonna put that in my speech.
All right.
One more, and then we get back to work.
Now, put a little stink on this one, Shaggy Koufax.
[Clank!.]
In your face, Shaggy! Missy Chrissy does it again! Hey, Matt! Look what I found! CHRISTIAN: And the crowd goes wild! [Laughs.]
[Grunts.]
John! What are you doing here?! I ordered a beautiful poster as a little Labor Day present for my wife, but I forgot it in my office.
- What, you give Labor Day gifts? - Well, yeah.
Well, we always exchange gifts on Labor Day.
I mean, this is our first one, but we always do it.
- She got me a CD tower.
- John! I don't know how to explain this to you, but Christian has been stalking the hallways of Hampton DeVille with a sword looking for an intruder eating popcorn, and right now you fit the description! You need to get out of here, or he's gonna kill you! - I had a dream about this.
- Go! John.
Ball.
Who were you just talking to? Nobody.
I mean, myself.
You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Shaggy? [Crunch.]
Popped corn.
I think we should get back to work.
That's a great idea.
And find that intruder once and for all.
[Crunch.]
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in the air They fly so high Nearly reach the sky Then, like my dreams, they fade and die Fortune's always hiding - I've looked everywhere - [John breathing rapidly.]
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in - Mr.
DeVille, wait! - Why? [Squeaking.]
Well, who do we have here? So you're the intruder.
[Laughs.]
And what a cute little intruder you are.
I'm going to name you Trudy.
Trudy the Intruder.
[Laughs.]
Well, Scooby, Shaggy, it looks like we've solved our mystery.
Or should I say mouse-tery? [Laughs.]
Ha ha ha.
Ha.
Boys, it's been fun, but I've got to get back to work.
I'm going to lock myself in this office and not leave until I'm finished.
MATT: Uh, but we still haven't looked through Kate's office.
Now, Shaggy.
That'll have to wait until next Labor Day.
Please find her a nice home.
[Squeaking.]
Happy Labor Day, Trudy.
I'm forever blowing bubbles Pretty bubbles in the air They fly so high Nearly reach the sky Well, Trudy, thanks for saving us.
I wish I could take you home and feed you to Pebbles, but you showed me kindness, so I will do the same to you.
Fortune's always hiding - Okay, what do we have so far? - [Exhales sharply.]
"Hi.
I'm Kate, and this is John, and Hampton DeVille is going green.
" Great.
This thing is gonna write itself.
We just hunker down and focus, we'll be done in no time.
- Agreed.
- [Slurps.]
Oh! By the way, I did a photo shoot with Pebbles last night.
- You want to see? - Of course, I fucking want to see.
Get over here.
Pretty bubbles - She's a natural beauty.
- She really pops on the screen.
She's a born star, and I'll fucking kill anyone who says otherwise.
- She should be in the movies.
- That's what I keep saying.
It's just the things that you do They make me go kind of creepy Ha-ha, I don't know But I love it