Coupling (2000) s02e07 Episode Script

You won't admit you love me And so How am I ever To know You always tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps I don't know what it was|about him.
He was with these|two other guys, But for some mysterious reason,|he really stood out.
I think it must have been|something very deep and spiritual.
So, what did you do? Well, you know me.
|I played it cool.
Hello, I'm Jane.
Hello.
Um, excuse me.
What? You're standing|right in front of me.
Yes.
I'm Bill.
Well, hello, Bill.
You know, I thought|you were a Bill.
It really suits you.
It's one of the names|I would have picked for you.
Oh, I'm really interested|in the science of names.
Well, this is Walter|and Harry.
Fine.
I'm Harry,|he's Walter.
Either way.
Sally, please! I said no.
Did I miss anything? Lust at first sight,|contact established.
It's just one night.
|Come on, why not? Shh!|I want to hear this.
So, how did it go? Well, there we were,|just the two of us.
You're a scorpio,|aren't you? I can always spot scorpios.
|It's something I sense.
I'm not a scorpio.
I'm a scorpio.
|Maybe you were sensing me.
No.
Sagittarius? Sorry.
|Not sagittarius, either.
Now isn't this strange? I'm normally really good|at this.
I'm very attuned|to astrology.
It's one of the most|interesting things about me.
I- I-I've written|some articles about astrology.
That's true.
|Harry's the expert.
I don't know that|I'm actually a believer, But I do think|astrology represents centuries Of accumulated understanding|of different personality types.
When-when you say|that you're attuned, Maybe that's what|you were attuned to.
I'm giving a talk about this|subject on wednesday night.
Perhaps you'd|like to come along? No.
Capricorn? Sorry,|not a capricorn.
I'm so sorry.
May I just apologize|from the very depths of my being For thinking you would|have the slightest interest In anything I had to say.
Don't be silly.
|It was an honest mistake.
Leo.
Hey what you've got to|understand about Harry, He's just had|a big breakup.
His self-esteem|is not exactly peaking.
I think turning down his lecture|may have been the last straw.
Harry|here's a little exercise I think might help you|confront your problems.
If you go home tonight,|sit in front of the mirror And really, really look|at yourself, You might be|a bit more realistic About which women|you ask out in future.
Well, that's it.
Harry.
I was being sympathetic.
I was, you saw me.
No disrespect,|but I don't think you're capable Of sympathy for someone|like me.
I cried at the 'Elephant Man'.
I'm off.
Good night.
You'd better go after him, Walter.
You understand|what he's going through.
So, come on.
|How far did you get? Well, after we left the bar I was about to head off, Because we were going|in different directions.
It's always scary|when you see That final corner approaching, isn't it? And you're thinking, "Did I touch his thigh|often enough? "Did I stare at his mouth|long enough? Did I flick my hair|too much?" Flick your hair? Yeah, I used to|over-flick.
It's so easy|to cross the line Between suggesting|"flirtatious and approachable," And suggesting there's something|living in your ear.
You don't want to give|the impression You acquire vermin|when aroused.
Tonight's hot tip.
This is great.
|This is so much more detail Than we ever get into.
It's like a whole pit stop|for women.
Patrick,|why are you here? He needs a pretend-wife.
|Just for tonight.
What?|It's a long story.
Who cares?|Details, Jane.
Okay.
We were walking|along and then don't ask me how|it happened but suddenly,|out of nowhere, We were in|each other's arms.
You look totally amazed.
Hard to tell if it's the kiss|or the impact of the wall.
Oh, that's so sweet.
What are you doing? What's wrong? Well, you were a bit|horrible to my friends.
Oh.
|Of course I wasn't.
Jane, no! Oh, Bill.
Do you want to do something|completely wicked, huh? Doesn't it excite you,|the idea of getting caught? Come on, Bill,|I can tell you're excited.
And anyway,|Walter can keep watch.
Actually, do you mind|if I just go? No, no.
I'll see you|in a minute, okay? Yeah, sure.
A minute? Walter's|a really good guy, Jane.
Oh, he's great.
You'd hardly know|he was there.
Listen, I'd really like|to see you again.
Good.
But for now I'm going to check|if Walter's okay.
Oh.
I'll call you.
Yes.
Right.
You do know where to find|my phone number? My right thigh.
Hope I didn't|smudge it.
See ya.
Jane? Dinner tomorrow night,|my place? Your place? I'm a great cook.
I'll help.
|I'm a great dessert.
So that's nice,|gorgeous, and can cook? So rare to find someone|like that Who doesn't have,|you know, breasts.
So what's your plan|of attack now? You're gonna be|at his door in an hour.
It's all down|to the dress now.
Yeah.
|The dress is the clincher.
Sorry, am I in|a dress conversation? I can't be|in a dress conversation.
The moment you take|your coat off And he sees|what you're wearing, That's when|it's all decided.
So what did you choose? I've got so many,|that's the trouble.
Took me all day|to narrow it down To the main contenders.
Oh, God.
Which were? Well Hi.
Hi.
Dress one black|and sort of see-through.
Sort of see-through.
It's quite subtle.
You can't really tell|what you're looking at.
It's a dress that says, "Hello, boys.
|Next time bring a torch.
" Does a torch work|on dresses? Patrick! And dress two? Come in.
Thank you.
Dress two is the absolute peak|of my "skimpy" collection.
I love dress two.
Every time you inhale, You can see|the hope in their eyes.
That's the one.
|Definitely.
Patrick.
What's dress three? There is no dress three.
It's dress two then.
|It's got to be.
Dress one.
|Always go for subtlety.
So, come on.
|Time for the grand unveiling.
Which one did you choose? Dress three.
Nice.
You look great.
So do you.
You said there was|no dress three.
There isn't.
You've got nothing on|under your coat? Don't wait up.
Is there somewhere|I can leave my coat? What?|Oh, yes, my bedroom.
Your bedroom.
Yeah, everyone's just piled|their coats on the bed.
Everyone? I'll introduce you.
Everyone,|this is Jane.
Hello.
|Hi, Jane.
hello, everyone.
Listen,|bit of a kitchen crisis.
Can I let you|just dive in and say hi? Oh, Harry? Yeah? Could you take Jane's coat? A pretend-wife? A torch? Apparently.
Torches work on dresses? So what do you need|a pretend-wife for? It's to do with some bloke|at his office.
No, no, no.
Different|office, different firm.
This guy, Ivan I see him at conferences|and stuff.
He's the same level as me,|but we're always competing.
Cars, office size,|toilet breaks.
"Toilet breaks"? I can retain for seven more|hours than he can.
You really used to go out|with this guy? No idea.
You've erased all other men|from my memory.
Must have taken a while.
Anyway,|Ivan is always going on About this really gorgeous woman|he's married.
One day I cracked.
So you invented|a whole marriage? What, competitively? What choice|did I have? I'm 33, single,|with neat hair.
Even I think I'm gay.
The point is, I'm meeting|Ivan for a drink tonight, And, oh!|He's bringing his wife.
Now that's competitive.
So I can't turn up|without a wife.
How would that look?|It would be like Turning up at the golf club|without a car.
You know what's great|about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt,|you know you know that,|somewhere in that room, Shifting all the time,|there is the v.
A.
A the visual access angle.
A clear line of sight|right to base camp.
You just have to|switch chairs, right, Or maybe move|your head a bit.
Or accidentally fall|on the floor.
And there'll be nothing|but clear air between you And intimate sighting|number one.
Sorry.
I was just thinking|about skirts.
So why didn't you|just bring your secretary? Oh, how would that work? I'd have to bandage up|her face or something.
You mean,|he'd recognize her? No.
Is there a Steve Taylor in this bar? There's a phone call|for Steve Taylor.
Here.
Okay.
What? I'll do it.
Oh, great.
You know what? I want to meet Ivan.
Hello? Steve, I've gone|to a dinner party, And I'm accidentally naked.
I- I'm sorry? This guy's invited me|for dinner And I didn't think|there'd be anyone else here.
Steve, I'm completely naked|under my coat.
What's wrong?|It's Jane.
She's stuck naked|in someone else's flat.
Naked? Completely! She's only got her coat.
Can I speak to her?|Yeah.
Hi, Jane.
|It's Jeff.
Hi, Jeff.
Thanks.
Jeff? Uh, he's just gone|to the loo.
Might be some time.
What am I gonna do? What happens|if I take off my coat? I really like this guy.
Well, he'll certainly get|that impression.
Not helpful, Steve.
Well,|why are you phoning me? I tried the girls.
|Their mobiles are off.
You can't phone me when|you're naked.
You're an ex.
So?! Well, Susan's here.
What if she comes over|and finds out you're naked? Susan's paranoid about you.
No, Steve.
|She's paranoid about you.
Look, I'm in the middle|of a serious crisis here.
I don't have time to discuss|your relationship problems.
What "relationship problems"? We don't have any|"relationship problems.
" Have you proposed yet? We have an understanding.
Okay, there's your problem.
Steve, I'm naked|and surrounded by strangers! What's wrong|with having an understanding? Oh, for Christ's sake! Are you all right, mate? Ivan, hi.
Patrick.
One minute just checking|I've got the right place.
Excellent.
|Massive.
Okay, she's coming.
Right.
What have you|told Ivan about me? You won a beauty contest|when you were 17, You worked as|an airline stewardess, a nurse, And a catalogue model.
Your bra size is 38-D,|and your hobby is massage.
Oh, and if it comes up,|you're completely shaved.
Okay.
What's my name? Well, just choose|any one you like.
I can't believe|you're doing this.
Patrick.
|Ivan.
Nice place,|like this a lot.
Great.
Oh, and this is my wife,|Miranda.
And you must be Patrick.
Hello.
Heard loads.
Um hello.
Hello.
Sorry.
And, uh This is my wife Susan.
It is good to meet you|at last.
Uh, no.
|Hang on, you see yeah, that's my wife,|all right.
Aren't you, darling? No actually, listen do you know, You're exactly as I was|expecting.
No, you see,|the thing sorry, what do you mean? Well, silly old Ivan here|thought you were going to be Some kind of sex bomb.
Look what he's got|me wearing.
But here you are.
I mean, you're just so sweet,|aren't you? "I wish I can do sweet,"|I'm always saying.
Aren't i, dear? What a pity.
I'm sorry? Didn't you want|a ring on your finger? Are you one of those girls|who finds that too committing? Personally,|I think my commitment rings Are deeply erotic.
Not as erotic as mine.
I didn't marry her.
I won't go down|without a fight.
Well,|that will be why, then.
I better just go|and, um, you know.
Yeah.
I didn't know he had a blonde.
|I needed a blonde.
You were my first choice|for pretend-wife, You're just not blonde enough.
Do you think|I want everyone to think I'm some mad, lonely,|desperate woman? Of course you don't.
|It's just bad luck.
"I didn't marry her.
" How do you think|that makes me look? I had to say something.
|You slapped me! Twice.
|Once.
Don't argue.
What is wrong|with having an "understanding"? Well,|have you actually told her That you're gonna marry her? In my own way.
Your "own way"? Well, she accidentally overheard|me saying it on the phone When I thought I was talking|to my ex-girlfriend.
No offense, and of course|it's none of my business, But that could be the worst|proposal in human history.
Steve.
You're gonna have to be|my husband.
Patrick prefers blondes.
I love this bar.
I'm sorry? Patrick chose Susan|for his pretend-wife.
I need an emergency|pretend-husband.
You'll have to do.
He can't have Susan|for his pretend-wife.
She's my almost-fiancée.
You still haven't proposed? We have an understanding! Yeah, right.
|An understanding.
I don't want to be|your pretend-husband.
I don't want you either, But there's absolutely|nobody else available.
It has to be you,|Steve.
Are you sure|I can't take your coat? Oh, buy a magazine! What? Sorry, nothing.
You know, you're|extremely difficult to talk to.
Well, stop trying|to undress me, then.
Sorry.
|I'm sorry again.
You seem very uncomfortable.
|Is there a problem? No, no.
|No problem.
So it's just that|you're stuck talking To the least attractive guy|you've ever seen.
Yeah, that's all it is.
Yeah.
Well, I'll save you|any further discomfort, then.
For the record, I have absolutely no interest|in undressing you, And believe it or not,|I've spent absolutely No time whatsoever|imagining you naked.
Well actually, that is a bit|unbelievable, isn't it? Jane.
You're not leaving,|are you? Leaving? Why would you think|I was leaving? You've got your coat on|and you're opening the door.
Well, hello,|mr.
Jump-to-conclusions.
Listen, I was just worrying|about something.
When I invited you to dinner, You didn't think it would be|just the two of us, did you? No, no.
Not at all.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just the two of us?|I never thought that.
Not me.
What a laugh! It's just that I like|to take things kind of slowly.
Slow? So do I.
|That's great.
Yeah, give me|some of that slow.
And I just thought|you might be slipping out Because you were disappointed.
No, no.
|Not at all.
What a crazy, mad, insane,|demented sick idea.
Please stay.
Okay.
Oh, what are you doing? I thought you might|like to take off your coat.
My coat? What happened|to taking things slowly? I'm sorry? It's our first date.
|Let's not go coat-crazy! What?! Where's your bathroom?|My bathroom? Is this it? I just want to pop|to your bathroom for a minute.
Just to freshen up,|nothing horrid.
Oh! Hello.
I'm Emily.
Hello, Emily.
|Are you in the next flat? No.
|Oh.
You are.
Oh, right.
|Right.
Emily does your mother have|any nice dresses? That's the thing|about marriage, isn't it? It's about sacrifice.
Yes, absolutely.
|Sacrifice.
Yeah, I agree with you totally.
|One hundred percent sacrifice.
A hundred and ten percent.
A hundred and fifteen.
I sacrificed so much|to be with Ivan.
My acting, my modeling,|my musical career, My novel-writing.
I went through a phase where|I just sacrificed everything.
Lucky you didn't bump|into any goats, then.
Excellent dress.
|I think I can see nipples.
How could she sit there,|pretending to be a couple? We've got|an understanding.
Steve,|we've got to get over there, And you've got to pretend|to be my husband.
I can't have complete strangers|thinking I'm some kind Of man-repellent psychopath.
Bad enough from the people|who know me.
So, Susan, you must have|made lots of sacrifices To be with Patrick.
Probably not as many|as you did, darling.
Oh, I bet she did,|actually.
Didn't you, darling? My little filly, She made sacrifices|all over the place.
Didn't you, Susan? Absolutely,|Patrick, honey.
What do you think|was your biggest sacrifice? Your number one,|seriously massive, Senior executive,|corner-office sacrifice? What would that be? Well,|that would have to be my penis.
Kidding! I've still got my penis.
Kidding! Never had a penis, And that's what we've got|in common.
Look, all I'm asking you to do|is sneak into mummy's room And steal|an expensive-looking dress.
Mummy doesn't have|expensive dresses.
Mummy says we can't have|expensive things Because of the government|and daddy's girlfriend.
I only get little presents|and no crisps.
Right.
What do mummy's dresses|look like? Fat with big flowers.
Okay.
|Let's forget about mummy.
Do you have a big sister? An au pair? Is daddy's girlfriend staying? Melissa's got dresses.
|She's got lots.
And what age is Melissa? Twenty-two|and three quarters.
Oh, that's perfect!|So am I.
What's her nicest dress? Her little black one.
That sounds lovely.
|Could you go and get it? And don't tell Melissa.
Okay.
Jane? Yes? Are you okay|in there? Still freshening up.
It's just|taking longer than I expected.
Jane.
Did you get the dress?|Yes.
Can I have it?!|No.
So, Susan,|do you work, Or does Patrick manage|to support you? Well, I think|it's important For women to keep|their independence.
We have a marriage|of equals.
she's just kidding again.
I often thought I'd like|a part-time job As a top-flight|fashion consultant.
You see,|I'm very interested in clothes.
Really?|You should wear some.
How do you do that? Do what? Men.
No, there was|this beam of light.
You are so poetic.
Actually, I think|it's coming from over there.
Yeah, it'll be some guy|with a torch, as usual.
So you don't mind your husband|groping my wife, then? Well, I|no, no.
It's, um it's fine.
|We're not exclusive, either.
Please, Emily! Melissa needs her dress.
Okay, listen.
|Here's an idea.
Melissa can have my coat.
You give me her dress,|and she can have my coat.
Coats are better than dresses.
Okay.
Okay.
|Give me the dress.
My mummy's coming! Well quickly, then!|Quickly! Come on, come on! Here's the dress.
Good night, Jane.
Oh, come on.
Are you really telling me|alittle hottie like you Has never swapped? "Swapped"? I think Patrick's|quite into the idea.
No, no.
|Not at all.
Not me.
Unless you'd like to no! Sorry, no.
|Absolutely not.
I told you, dear.
Not everyone|is sophisticated like us.
The thing is, Ivan I don't share my woman.
It's like finding|the right tennis racket.
Once you've got one|you really like using, You keep on using it|until it falls apart And you have to get|a new one.
Only more emotional.
Point is,|I'm a one-woman guy, And Susan's a one-man woman.
Maybe you guys|aren't like that, But then maybe You guys haven't experienced|real love.
Everybody, I'd like you|to meet my husband Steve.
Susan, I love you|more than I can tell you.
Will you marry me? Yes.
Yes, yes.
|Of course I will! For God's sake! I thought it was time|for the grand gesture.
It is.
|Let's go home.
Oh, Patrick,|I'm sorry about this.
Oh, that's okay.
|No biggie.
And congratulations! Oh, well.
|Easy come, easy go.
Care to join us? Yeah, why not? Fancy a fresh drink? No, I'll just carry on|with Susan's.
What were we talking about? I was asking|if you swapped.
Right.
What? She's not even|a real blonde.
How would you know? Thanks.
Okay, the dining room|is the first door oh, hello, everyone.
I'm feeling a bit of a chill|coming on, So I thought I might sneak off|home and get an early night.
Sorry, Bill.
Some other time? I seemed to have|mislaid my coat.
I hope you don't mind|if I borrow this one.
Oh, and, Harry? Yeah? Stop imagining me naked.
your mind up We'll never get started wind up broken-hearted So if you really love me Say yes don't tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps