Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s02e07 Episode Script
Who's the Cool Girl Josh is Dating?
1 - Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - I've had the best time hanging out with the both of you.
I think it's official that we're a squad.
Can I drink that extra Juice-box? - Take it.
- Thanks! That's my best friend.
She just had that "me, me, me, me" vibe.
You don't think that Paula feels left out, right? She doesn't feel like I've replaced her? Introducing the newest member of our girl group, Pa-Pa-Pa-Paula! PAULA: Our relationship has always been one-sided I give, you take, and that is how it works.
Hey.
I work out.
(laughs) (sighs, chuckles) Move up.
Quit texting your new girlfriend.
Um, Anna is not my new girlfriend.
We've only been out on three amazing dates.
Ha! Sorry, just Anna texted me a picture of a cat dressed up like a dog.
Where does she find this stuff? I'm just a girl in love La-la-la, lovey-dove I can't be held responsible for my actions She's an ingenue I have no underlying issues to address I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed They say love makes you crazy Therefore, you can't call her crazy 'Cause when you call her crazy You're just calling her in love.
Blam! (to "William Tell Overture"): Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell, hell, hell Go to hell, go to hell, hell, hell.
Wha ? I'm throwing it out.
(sighs) (elevator bell dings) Hey, Trish.
Hey, Eddie.
What's up Juanita? Hey, you.
- Oh, I'm-I'm George.
- Yeah, you are.
Ha-ha! Hey, PP.
What happened to all your fun desk stuff? I am re-branding.
And, uh, for starters, don't ever call me PP again.
Oh, wait a minute.
Now, you're not gonna throw out the "Honk if you're horny, Paula Proctor is 40" bumper sticker! That's classic! I have new interests now, Darryl.
REBECCA: Oh, hello, Darryl.
Good morning.
Mm-hmm.
And good morning this guy.
You are looking very well.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Actually, my-my mother found a lump on (laughing): Oh, you're so funny! You are my favorite person in this three-foot radius.
GEORGE: Well, that's nice to hear, 'cause the doctor was crying when he told us.
So it's it's probably not good.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
Okay, cool.
- But it's just one We'll talk about this talk about this later, best friend.
Okay.
That's fine.
Are you and Rebecca still fighting? Come on.
You guys are besties.
Someone should apologize.
I don't want to take sides.
No one needs you to do anything.
(sighs heavily) I wonder what selfish person would hog all the pink highlighters.
Oh! Look at that.
There they are.
(printer whirrs) I know what you want, you know.
You want me to apologize.
You know what, though? I'm not gonna apologize.
You know why? I'm always the one who apologizes.
I mean, usually it's because I'm the one that did the bad thing, but not this time, not this time.
You owe me the apology this time.
You want to know why? You want to know why? Because you came to my girl party, and you were rude to everyone, you were rude to me, you tried to leave early, you broke my new house, - and y - Look, I know you and I are not in a great place, but I have a big paper due next week.
I got to go.
Paula Paula, Paul (sighs) We got to find some way to make this better.
I know.
I just don't know how.
Hey, babe.
You seen my vest and bow tie? I need to get my barbershop quartet outfit dry-cleaned.
Ooh.
I think it's still at the dry cleaners from your last performance.
I hope they didn't give it away.
Quartet outfits are a collector's item.
Hey, you might want to get to the office party a little bit early on Friday.
The white wine flies off the card table.
Ah, I hear that.
Nothing I like better - than a warm Costco white.
- (both chuckle) God, I'm so nervous.
This is the first time I'll be singing in front of the coworkers.
This is a huge gig for us.
We even have an opener.
The boss's kids are doing the first act of Hamilton! What are you reading? You're so into it.
Is it one of your sexy vampire books? No.
It is a fascinating Supreme Court case from 1880 called Yick Wo v.
Hopkins, where the city of San Francisco had said that it was illegal to operate laundries in a wooden building.
But the reason they did that was because two-thirds of the wooden laundries were operated by Chinese owners.
So do you know what that court did? (sighs) They used the Equal Protection Clause from the 14th Amendment - Ah.
- to find that law discriminatory! Boom.
Ha! Cool! - Right? - Oh, laundry's tough we know that.
We have a stack on the washer up to the ceiling.
Uh, hey, do you need a plus-one for Rebecca for Friday? For Rebecca? What? No.
No way.
Oh, are you guys still fighting? You should call her, work it out.
I'm not gonna call her.
She can call me.
She's got my number.
She's being such a petty child.
And she started it.
She's such a baby.
(soft grunt) (click) Hi.
Hey, babe! - Ooh! - Oh! Sorry I'm so late.
Are you ready for the best coffee you've ever had in your life? - Hell to the yeah.
- (laughs) I can't believe it's been three weeks and I haven't taken you here yet.
I've been coming to this place ever since it was just a pop-up.
Oh.
Cool.
(quietly): What? Hey, Ichabod.
The usual, - please.
- You got it, Anna.
One semi-petite latte with organic coconut milk.
- And you, sir? - Just coffee for me, dude.
What kind? - It's all up there.
- Oh.
Okay.
Ooh, you've got single-origin, blended, micro-lot, Indian filter, French press, clover, Turkish, Kyoto drip, Neapolitan flip, V60, Moka pot, drip pot, automatic drop (inhales deeply) Um single-origin, I guess.
Which single-origin? We have 17 different kinds.
Eh uh Uh, you know what? Uh, you pick your fave.
(chuckles) You got it.
Cool.
Hmm.
This is awesome.
I got to remember it.
Note: Silver Brew in Silver Lake.
Repeat: Silver Brew in Silver Lake.
Taylor loves this place.
She brought me here with Lena, Cara, Gwynnie, Selena and Uzo.
All really great girls, except Uzo is a little bit of a name-dropper.
I can't believe you know all these famous people just from tweezing their eyebrows at your salon.
Well, it's not always about the tweezing.
Sometimes it's about not tweezing.
Sometimes I send my clients on, like, six-month growth retreats.
It's all about the bold brow right now; the bigger the better.
Oh! Like the dad in American Pie? Eugene Levy.
Yes! Totally! He's all over the salon inspiration board.
Before I met you, I didn't even know eyebrows were, like, a big deal.
Oh, that's what I love about you.
Love me? Love about you.
Oh.
Yeah.
Got it.
You're so refreshing.
I'm so tired of these skinny, bearded hipsters.
Thank God I'm not skinny, or hip.
Or able to grow a beard.
I like you just the way you are.
Oh.
(laughs) So, Anna I got you something.
I know we've only been seeing each other a couple weeks.
It's probably a little early to pop the gift bubble, but this is technically not for you.
Josh, what did you do? Uh, I got you a present.
Sorry.
Uh, I-I thought that was clear.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
Okay open 'em! (gasps) I got you a cat collar - for your cat! - Oh, my God, this is so cute! Josh! Gravy is gonna be the best-dressed cat in Silver Lake.
You're so sweet.
Thank you.
I love that cat.
You know, I've never loved a cat before.
Seriously.
I've always thought they were haunted.
ICHABOD: Here you go.
Whoa! That foam has a lady's face! Frida Kahlo? Well done, Ichabod.
That is my girl right there.
Talk about brows.
I wish I had her hormone imbalance.
(laughing) Oh.
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, sorry, I didn't hear the (chuckling) Wow.
(sighs): Oh, this is so great.
Hanging out.
You know, friends your own age who don't judge you.
Oh, so you're still in a fight with Paula? 'Cause you keep bringing her up without saying her name.
Just, like, call her and work it out.
I'm not gonna call her.
She can call me.
She has my number.
Forget about Paula.
We are having young fun.
Whatcha up to, Heath? Um, it's Heather, and I'm just doing a Miss Douche AMA.
A lot of questions about baking bread.
- People are really confused about yeast.
- Mm.
- What about you, V? - Oh, just surfin'.
The Internet is so much more fun now that it's a Josh Chan free zone.
I am so glad we Un-followed him.
Oh, my God.
Me, too.
I feel that.
Oh, you both Un-followed him? You really stuck it to him, huh? Yeah, it's pretty amazing.
I don't even have an urge to look at his feed anymore.
It's, like, who cares? Huh? What you got there, girlfriend? Oh, nothing.
It's just an Internet quiz to figure out what Tom Hanks movie my hairstyle is today.
Uh, what? What you got goin' on there, girlfriend? Oh, nothing.
Just watching another pimple popper video.
(chuckles) Ugh.
Mmm.
Coo.
Coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo.
Coolio.
Yeah, I love Coolio.
Yeah.
"Gangsta's Paradise.
" (sputters) Forget it.
Miss that guy.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Miss him.
I miss him.
I'm sorry, you guys miss Coolio? Yeah-huh.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Silver Brew? - What? - Nothing.
Oh, my God, who is that? - What? - Oh, nothing.
Just (chuckles) Always forget which Kardashian is which.
(chuckles) Oh, okay, describe her for me.
Is she the tall one, the naked one, or the mom one? 'Cause if you're talking about the model one or the lip one, those are Jenners.
Jenners.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jenga.
Jumanji.
Robin Williams.
Williams.
Mmm.
Willy.
Willy Wonka.
I want candy Are you both high right now? (REBECCA/VALENCIA both gasp): Oh, my God! Josh has a girlfriend! REBECCA/VALENCIA: What did you say? I knew you guys didn't miss Coolio.
- Who is that? - I-I don't know.
Okay, she's tagged as @annathebrowbarian.
You click it.
I can't.
You click it, Okay, okay, okay, click it, click it, click it, click it, click it.
okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Her name is Anna - Hicks.
- Anna Hicks? No one has that name.
That's like the romantic lead in an Adam Sandler movie.
Guys, don't do this.
If you fall down the rabbit hole of Internetting an ex's current girlfriend, you may never come back.
Shh Look at her.
Shh.
Oh, she's so pretty and cool.
Also, she has, like, a permanent flower crown filter face.
What? How do you get that? Oh, my God! I know who she is.
I read about her in Us magazine.
She does eyebrows for celebrities.
Yeah.
There's, like, a three-month waiting list at her salon.
I heard Mary-Kate Olsen had to pretend to be Elizabeth Olsen to get in.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- What?! Okay, I need to see, like, - a billion more pictures of her.
- Me, too.
No.
I mean, you know what they say.
Curiosity killed the Cat.
Look at her.
She has a cat.
She makes being a cat person - look cool.
- Exactly.
Now I want a cat.
What is going on? I don't know.
Up is down, and down is up.
I-I (sighs) Hey.
What are you doing for the next, like, 13 hours? Don't do anything healthy.
Don't be productive.
Give in to your desire.
Research me obsessively Uh-huh Find out everything you can about me You know you want to dig for me relentlessly - Uh-huh - Using every available search tool And all forms of social media Yes.
You know you want to look At my Instagram But it's private So Google me until you find out Where I went to high school And then set up a fake Instagram account Using the name and the photo of someone That went to my high school And hope that I remember that person a little bit Ah.
No.
Then request access to my private Instagram From the fake account And in the meantime scour my work Instagram account 'Cause that one's public Research me obsessively Uh-huh Find an actual picture of my parents' house on Google Maps You know you want to hunt for me tirelessly Uh-huh It's not stalking 'cause the information Is all technically public - That's true, that's true.
- Very true.
Check out every guy I used to date And deduce who broke up with who Based on the hesitation in our smiles So many unanswered questions.
Did I go to the University of Texas? Am I an EMT? Is that my obituary in which I'm survived by my loving husband, Eddie, of 50 years; children, Susan and Matthew; and grandchild, Stephanie? Wait, no.
That's just all people with my same name.
- VALENCIA/REBECCA: Oh.
- Or is it? Pay only $9.
99 on a background check Web site to know for sure.
- I'll do it.
Yeah.
- (scoffs) Yeah.
So don't stop, just research me obsessively Uh-huh, and in lieu of flowers Donate to other me's favorite charity - Aw.
- Aw.
Research me, just research me And research me and research me Oops It's three days later.
- None of this makes any sense.
- Not at all.
There's no way Josh could land someone that cool.
You guys are still here? You've been here for three days.
Well, it would've been a lot less time if someone had stopped me from creating a fake Instagram account.
I told you that's illegal, and I cannot go to jail right now.
I am one stamp away on my frozen yogurt punch card from scoring a freebie, so (groans) What could she possibly see in Josh Chan? I-I have literally no idea what he has to offer to someone like this.
Right? You both dated him.
- Yeah.
But we're mortals.
- Yeah.
And she's like a-a fairy angel.
Yeah.
I mean, really, what could she see in a guy from West Covina who still wears stitchy jeans? And supermarket flip-flops.
And lives with his mother.
Yeah.
He's the worst.
I once saw him bite off a toenail.
Well, I mean, he is very flexible and strong.
And muscular.
Yeah, and his skin color.
Would you say that's, like, caramel? It's just so yummy.
Mmm.
Delicious.
Wow, you guys just did, like, a whole loop-Dee-loop there.
Anyway, I don't know.
This-this isn't adding up.
I think it's on us to get to the bottom of this.
Yeah.
I mean, just because we're over Josh doesn't mean we can let some trendy girl exploit him.
It's not right.
You are exactly right.
We need to investigate.
Yeah.
I'll drive.
Let's Thelma and Louise this thing.
Okay.
Great.
(door opens) Thelma and Louise drove off a cliff, so - (door shuts) - be careful.
(sighs) (humming) Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da.
Ga-da-Ba-da, Ga-da-Ba-da, Ga-da-Ba-da, Ga-da-Ba-da, - Ga-da-Ba-da.
- Warming up? Yeah.
I try to lube the cords well in advance of a show.
Ah, the West Brovinas.
You're the buzz of the shipping department.
Heard so much about you guys.
- You have? - Yeah.
From you.
Every day.
(chuckles) (chuckles) I-I do love barbershop.
Mmm.
Everyone needs a hobby.
Hank, our tenor, likes to say, "It's cheaper than golf and safer than whores.
" Wait, maybe it's "cheaper than whores - and safer than golf.
" Now - Well, personally, I can't wait.
I love close harmony singing.
I die over a perfectly hit seventh.
Wow.
Uh, that's cool, - Tanya.
- Yeah.
See you tonight.
(humming) Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da - I'm so nervous.
- Okay, listen, since you're a sneaky-stalky virgin, just play it cool, okay? She won't notice anything Okay, coolio.
- If you don't notice anything.
- Okay, cool.
So we're just here to Observe and analyze, like in the style of Margaret Mead, Right.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
- Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey - Mm-hmm.
What? Who? - Just figure things out.
- Okay, I'm not stupid.
You just reference obscure things all the time.
I know.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
(whimpers) Wait, O.
M.
G.
, her outfit is beyond.
And I saw that her eyebrows are staggering, of course.
(Valencia scoffs) No, I know you're jonesing, but I can't give you any more of the stuff.
Because.
No, I'm still here.
I'm waiting on a shipment.
Mm-hmm.
What is that? - (Rebecca gasps) - (Valencia stammers) Um Okay, I'm sorry, is she giving all these women - some sort of white powder? - Cocaine? I mean, I was thinking the same thing.
- Or meth or crushed-up oxy.
Who knows? - Oh.
(shushing) Here she comes, here she comes, here she comes.
Peas and carrots, Mmm peas and carrots, peas and carrots, peas and carrots, What are you doing? Peas and carrots.
I'm saying "peas and carrots.
" It's what you do when you're faking chitchat.
I did it in my eighth grade church play, Don't Be Different.
Peas and carrots, peas and carrots, peas and carrots, (stammers) It's peas and carrots, peas and carrots, p You're saying it so loud.
Just stop.
Just Because some girls abuse it and then I have to completely cut them off.
- Oh, my God.
- You're right.
She is a drug salesperson.
- I'll call you back.
- Oh, she sees us.
She's a drug dealer.
Josh's girlfriend is a stone-cold narco.
I mean, I guess it makes sense.
You can't pay gentrified commercial rents by plucking forehead hair.
We have to tell Josh.
There's no way he'll figure it out.
I mean, let's face it, not the smartest.
No, no, no.
He's not so bright.
He once told me his favorite animal was Antarctica.
He thinks eau de toilette is called that because, - Oh, it's from a toilet.
- Oh, it's from a toilet.
- It's so sad.
- Also, he talks to telemarketers.
He'll believe anything anyone tells him.
He's too trusting, too sweet.
I mean, the guy just radiates sunshine.
- I love his mouth.
- Yeah.
We loop-Dee-looped again! - We have to tell him.
- Yes.
We can't just sit here on our big fat lazy fat cans all day.
- All right, let's go.
- Okay.
Um, hey, while we're driving, let's talk about your continued body dysmorphia, 'cause I thought we'd nipped it in the bud.
So, body dysmorphia is often caused by personal trauma, such as childhood teasing or parental over-involvement.
- (thud) - (gasps) That's weird.
Did you leave your purse on the ground? No, I didn't bring a purse.
I brought my mini calf-hair crossbody.
We're on the go.
Yeah, which is why I brought my high school JanSport backpack.
Wait.
So what did I run over? (gasps) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Gravy?! Oh! (mewing) What happened? Who ran my cat?! Oh, my little baby.
It's gonna be okay.
- It's gonna be okay.
- (meowing) Did you see who hit my cat? - Uh, uh, uh - Um, um, we saw we saw it.
It was a hit-and-run.
Someone It was a thoughtless man.
It was a man! It's always a man! - Yeah, it was a man with, um - Uh-huh.
- Um, a hat.
- Yeah.
And-and one eye and a parrot here.
A pirate? A pirate hit my cat? That's insane.
- Yeah, it was it was insane.
- (meowing) That's why she remembers it so vividly.
It was a guy with, like, yellow teeth and black eyeliner.
I bet it's one of those creeps who plays Jack Sparrow on Hollywood Boulevard.
- Oh.
(crying) - Yup.
Um, hey, we were were just gonna drive your cat to the hospital.
- Why don't we take you, too? - (meowing) (whispering): What are you talking about? It's fine.
Shh.
This is all my fault.
I was on the phone, and I left the door open.
If anything happens to him, I don't know what I'll do.
- (door opens) - (sighs) Will you excuse me for one moment? (door closes, dogs barking) What are we doing? I'm over there all by myself comforting the enemy, who smells like heaven, by the way.
I want to get out of here! Shh.
Shh.
Just-just play it cool, okay? (sighs) So, listen, it hit me when we hit the cat.
(laughs) We can't just tell Josh about Anna's drug business.
He'll never believe us.
Okay, we need proof, so I intend to do just that.
Okay, before you go over there, I told her that your name is Madge, and my name is Allegra.
Madge? So you.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Hey.
Hey, honey.
So, the nurse wants you to fill out all this information.
I just figured I'd do it since you're so upset.
- So it's just you and me.
- Okay.
Don't think.
Just rapid fire answer my questions.
So, um, name, age, height, weight? Uh, Gravy Miffy Muffins, uh, six years old, 18 inches, eight pounds? No, honey, honey.
Your name, age, height, weight.
They need it for you for some reason, okay? Okay, so, stay with me.
Stay with me.
Rapid fire.
Stay with me, okay? Okay.
So, name, age, height, weight, occupation, income, uh, felonies, misdemeanors, trouble with the law? - Uh, you're going too fast.
- Okay, got it.
I will go slower, okay? I'll slow it down.
But still, rapid fire with me.
Okay, right with me? Rapid fire.
Okay.
So name? - Anna Hicks.
- Okay.
- Age? - 29.
Older than I thought.
Good for you.
Um, height, weight? Rapid fire? - Five, three.
I don't weigh myself.
- Yes, you do.
Everyone does.
- No, I really don't.
- Put down 115, Madge.
Got it.
Um, okay.
So many questions on this stupid form! (laughs) lt's so thorough.
I don't know why.
- Um, any any run-ins with the law? - (door closes) - Like, felonies, misdemeanors? - Oh, my God! - Is he dead? - No.
He's just fine.
We reattached his tail, and he's gonna be A-okay.
- Thank God.
My little Gravy Wavy.
- We just didn't want this collar to get lost in the shuffle.
It's so pretty.
Thank you.
My boyfriend got it for me.
Mm.
Oh, thanks.
(sighs) Um, so you have you have you have a boyfriend, huh? That was the next question on this weird form.
But you have a ? So, you Yes, to yes, boyfriend, yes? Yeah.
Haven't said it out loud yet, but, um, I guess he is my boyfriend.
It's funny how hard moments make you realize who really matters to you.
Mm.
You know, um, since Gravy's A-okay, why don't I take your mind off of this, and we'll just gab like girls? So tell me about the boyfriend, girlfriend.
(laughs) Um, his name is Josh, and we've only been seeing each other for a couple weeks, so, I guess it's casual, but he's so nice, so helpful.
I've been slammed at the salon lately, and he's been helping me out a ton, making deliveries, pickups, going to Mexico to get product.
- Mexico! Oh, my God! - And he doesn't even ask any questions.
He's so nice.
Yeah.
And I feel bad for him.
He's been through some really tough times, had some toxic relationships.
Toxic? Is that is that, uh, his word, your word, or Britney's word? His word.
Toxic.
He doesn't like to badmouth his exes, but this one girl he dated hounded him to propose.
Hounded? Is that his word, your word or Elvis's word? His word.
Hounded.
And then he dated this psycho who get this quit her job, and then moved across the country to be with him, even though they hadn't seen each other in, like, ten years.
Crazy, right? It also it also could be unfair.
You know, it could be the male gaze version of the narrative.
No.
This girl sounded legit bonker balls.
She told him that she was pregnant with his baby, and then two seconds later, said that she wasn't pregnant with his baby, and then begged him to have period sex.
Excuse me.
What happened? (speaks high-pitched gibberish) Let's not slut-shame the lady just 'cause her libido doesn't go away during menstruation.
That girl, whoever she is, should be commended.
Period sex, period sex - Okay, stop.
- Okay.
When Josh finds out who ran over Gravy, he's going to flip.
He absolutely loves this cat.
Right, but, I mean, how is he even gonna find her? Him? The salon's security footage.
- What? - What? I took over the salon from a jeweler, so the entire front of the salon has cameras.
Josh and I are gonna find the person who ran over my baby if it's the last thing that I do.
Did you hear that Madge? I did, Allegra.
Oh, yeah, we could buy we could buy that place, or this place looks quite promising.
Maybe we could buy it.
Okay, look, I was trying to mislead the neighbors to make them think we're lesbians looking for a new house.
We really need to get that security video, or we are absolute toast, so how are we gonna get in? Do you have a diamond ring that we could use to cut glass? Maybe there's a kitty door or something ? How about we use these? Oh, my God, she has the cutest stuff.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You stole those? Yes.
I don't feel bad about it, either.
She was begging for me to do it.
Leaving the house with that fancy purse? And then leaving it on the floor all wide open with the tip of her keys poking out? Did I take her keys? Damn right I did.
Anyone would have done it.
If anything, I'm the real victim here.
Okay, so we need to have a serious talk about consent.
So, consent is something that must be initiated Okay.
Wow.
(alarm beeping) Aah! Aah! Aah! Don't mind us.
We're just two lesbians.
Nothing to see.
Nothing to see.
Aah! Aah! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, where is it? Where ? Okay, okay, okay, um, um, um - Oh, my God, look at this place! - Oh! Oh! - Aah! Aah! - Okay, okay.
Uh - Okay, okay, we have to guess the code.
- How? I didn't study up enough on her.
Okay, I'll try.
Uh How about her birthday? No.
Oh, Gravy's birthday.
No.
Do you know Gravy's birthday? Just Josh's birthday.
- Mm No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Fail.
- Uh Uh, her parents' credit scores? - Okay, okay.
- Uh, no.
- Uh, no.
Ugh! Her weight! Try her weight! 115! Try it! Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
No.
She doesn't weigh herself, remember? Of course she does.
Hold on.
- Goal weight! That's it! - What? - 113.
Do it! Do it! - Oh! - Do it! - (dings) I knew that bitch weighed herself.
(upbeat music playing, lively chatter) I'm really nervous.
Yeah, I get that.
Do what I do when I get nervous.
Take off your underwear.
You mean, picture people in their underwear? What? Why would that make me more comfortable? Yeah.
That's just awkward.
Nah, I walk around with my bits all wango tango.
It's very relaxing.
Oh, I'm doing a version of that.
Uh, instead of underwear, I'm wearing an old T-shirt upside down.
We haven't done laundry in ages.
Paula's been busy, and I don't know how to work the machine.
Where is Paula? I don't see her with the wives.
She's coming.
She first had to do some law stuff.
What kind of law stuff? I sincerely have no idea.
I just think the relationship between the 21st and the 18th amendment is amazing.
I mean, don't you think? Actually, I've just been sitting here thinking about what I'm gonna pick up for dinner on my way home.
I finally ran out of the frozen dinners - my wife made for us before she - I'm telling you, I have not been this obsessed about something since the first season of The Wire.
Oh.
Yeah.
- You don't watch The Wire? - No.
- (gasping) What? - I know.
I know.
Oh, I am so jealous of you that you get to watch it for the first time.
Oh, ho! Rebecca and I binged that in, like, two days.
We loved it.
She is so Avon.
I am so Stringer Bell.
It is Why am I talking about Rebecca? I'm sorry.
Never mind.
We could talk about my wife.
I did just bring her up.
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry, honey.
Go ahead.
She also pre-ordered, like, a year's worth supply of toilet paper for us.
She was so thoughtful.
I mean, even in her darkest times.
- She was like, "Sunil, I " - What time is it?! - I don't know.
- Oh.
No! Oh, my God.
Okay, I can make it.
I can I can make it.
I can I can make it.
I can make it.
- Where are you going? - I can make it.
I can make it.
I can make it.
I can make it.
(in harmony): Let me call you sweetheart I'm in love with you Let me hear you whisper That you love me, too Keep the love light glowing in your eyes so true Let me call you sweetheart I'm in love With You With you Hey.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
Oh.
Go, so thirsty.
- (song ends) - Aah! Oh! (applause) That's the end of the first song, right? I just missed the end of the first song? That was the encore.
Okay, I'll look on this computer for the footage.
Uh, as long as we're here, you look for evidence of drugs, okay? Go through the drawers.
Okay.
Got it.
Hmm.
Okay.
Found the footage from this afternoon.
Let's look at all the angles.
Maybe maybe it didn't actually get us hitting the cat.
Oh, no.
There it is.
Clear as day.
We really Yeah, we ran over that cat.
Hmm.
My brows are a little thin, aren't they? Ugh.
They're '90s brows.
Damn it.
Hey, what are you doing over there? Did you find drugs? (laughing): No.
But this lotion I'm addicted.
- Dude.
- What? Wow.
Never mind, I'll take care of this.
Okay.
Delete, delete, delete.
Delete, empty trash.
Oh, thank God.
Yes.
Whew.
Oh, what a weight off me.
I wish I could do that in my own life.
Just erase things that happened.
God, I would erase all of junior prom and sixth grade, and so many courtroom farts.
Okay, great.
Let's get out of here.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
It just occurred to me.
If she's doing anything illegal, it will be on these tapes.
We could show them to Josh.
(sighs) I really don't want to get caught.
V, look.
I know this is dangerous.
And I know how we both feel about Josh, but he's an innocent man being turned into a drug mule.
Yeah.
God only knows what he's sticking in his rectum.
Oh, my God, have we talked about that? - What? - Oh, so he never Nothing.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
No.
Uh-uh.
What was I doing? Oh, right.
I'm gonna fast-forward through this to see if she is a hopper movin' g-packs.
She's no corner boy, she's pushin' real weight.
- Ugh.
- It's The Wire.
Have you never seen The Wire? Mm.
Am I supposed to? Oh, my God.
I am so jealous of you right now.
You get to watch it from the beginning.
Paula and I binged the whole thing in two days, and we were obsessed.
We talked like Avon and Stringer Bell - for a solid month.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Wait.
Why am I talking about Paula? I hate her right now.
Okay, fast-forward, let's see.
She's plucking, she's plucking.
She's plucking.
More plucking.
- Oh, there it is, there it is.
- (gasps) Look, she's handing envelopes - of drugs to clients.
- Wow.
This is insane.
She's giving envelopes full of drugs to people out in broad daylight.
It's so brazen.
This is such important work.
I mean, we're gonna blow this wide open.
We could get a Peabody for this.
Oh, look, look.
She's taking the powder out of the envelope, and then she's putting it on the table.
She's showing them how to do the drugs.
REBECCA: Oh, she's gonna shoot up the drugs just like in Breaking Bad.
Have you seen Breaking Bad? - Eh.
- How do you live your life? - I go outside.
- That's fair.
Okay, here we go, here we go.
REBECCA: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She's gonna do the drugs.
She's getting high off her own supply.
- It's going in her mouth.
- No, no, no, no.
It's going up her nose.
- No, no, no.
- Mmm.
It's going on her eyebrows.
- She's putting coke on her eyebrows? - Is that a thing? Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
She's, she's saying something.
Let me Give me a second, I can lipread pretty well.
My semester abroad, I took a deaf lover, okay? All right.
Uh Ooh, she's about to say something.
Okay, uh Put this on your eyebrows two times a day for a month, and you will see a significant change in your eyebrow growth.
Oh.
Oh, it, it makes your eyebrows grow.
Well, that's brilliant.
And disappointing.
(scoffs) Yeah.
I guess that means that It means that Josh is dating a super fly entrepreneur who's probably just using products that haven't been outwardly cleared by the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetics Act.
Great.
Look, I-I said I was sorry.
You're not sorry.
No.
Uh, well, I-I heard the last note, and it was beautiful.
Okay, okay.
I messed up and this is all my fault.
You know how much the Brovinas mean to me, but you don't care.
Yes, I do care.
I just I should have set an alarm or something.
I got, I got caught up in something.
- Law thing.
- Oh, well, yeah.
And I You-you know what? But it's wrong.
And I know that now.
I have been so supportive, and I think what you're doing is great, but I feel left out.
You're so distracted lately.
I know, I know, but I Look, I-I-I will try to do better.
I was great out there, Paula.
I nailed that low "A".
Hank's wife said I sounded like Lou Rawls.
Tanya, from shipping bought six CDâs for her care packages for the troops.
Does she not support the troops? Wow.
Fair.
Fair.
Horrible time for a joke.
Scott.
I am so sorry.
Okay, this is all This is 100% my fault.
I don't care who's fault it is.
I just feel bad right now.
Well, I guess we should go.
Yeah.
There's nothing more to see here.
No, wait.
Look at that.
Oh, Josh gave her flowers? Wow.
That's a big bouquet of flowers, J.
Chan.
The only time he got me flowers was prom night.
Blue carnations from a gas station.
From a bucket.
In return, I gave him my virginity.
I thought this was a rebound relationship.
No, no, no, no, no.
It is.
It is.
(sighs) He just needs to get the blonde out of his system.
- Shh! What's he saying? Deaf lover.
- Oh.
- What's he saying, what's he saying? - O-o-okay, okay, okay.
He's saying "Anna, you are so cool.
I get so stoked when we chill.
" Oh, no big deal, he said stuff like that to me all the time.
He gets stoked when his mom makes bagel bites.
Um "I just had to tell you that I've never felt this way about anyone else.
" "Ever.
" "Never ever.
" Okay, I got it.
"Like, ever.
" I told you guys, curiosity killed the cat.
Mm.
It didn't kill the cat, it just ripped off the cat's tail, which has now been reattached.
Mm.
But I guess you were right.
We shouldn't have gone down the rabbit hole.
The only thing down there is regret made of rabbit poop.
Well said.
Well, I'm just glad you guys are over it.
He never loved us.
Nope, either of us.
And he's obviously over us.
So, if he's done, then we should be done too.
Mm.
It's time to move on.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Okay, let's see.
Too tall, too hairy, too bald.
Ugh, too karate.
That one'll do.
Wait, y-you're ditching me? But we were gonna go binge-watch something.
I've been saving Friday Night Lights for someone special.
I'm sorry, hon, maybe another time.
And I really do love all your girl bonding stuff, but right now, I really need to get laid.
Are you serious? You've got your jacket? Come on.
What don't where you going? Don't leave.
I'm gonna grab a drink with Hank.
Please, just stay and we'll talk this out.
Paula, I need a minute.
I need to cool off.
(door opens and closes) Hey, Sunil, it's me, what are you Oh, you're busy with the kids? Just, well I don't know, put on a movie or something No, it's fine.
No, never mind.
It's it was nothing.
Yeah, I'll I will talk to you tomorrow.
(80's power ballad-type music plays) We used to be there for each other Every second With one emoji we could read each Other's soul But since we've been apart There's an aching in my heart It's an aching that no cocktail can control And I Really wanna tell you that I'm sorry And I Really wanna tell you that I am the worst And I just wanna say I miss you every day And I will But you go first (spoken): I mean, This is almost entirely All my fault here But you gotta admit It's just a tiny bit Your fault too This is so all on me But still, you kinda have to agree BOTH: That sometimes you can be really Passive-aggressive Self-involved BOTH: So Go ahead and say you're kinda sorry So I can say "Oh, no, no, please" Just like I rehearsed If you'll open the door I'll apologize so much more Yes I will But you go first.
That'll be $300.
I'll see you again tomorrow.
Bye!
I think it's official that we're a squad.
Can I drink that extra Juice-box? - Take it.
- Thanks! That's my best friend.
She just had that "me, me, me, me" vibe.
You don't think that Paula feels left out, right? She doesn't feel like I've replaced her? Introducing the newest member of our girl group, Pa-Pa-Pa-Paula! PAULA: Our relationship has always been one-sided I give, you take, and that is how it works.
Hey.
I work out.
(laughs) (sighs, chuckles) Move up.
Quit texting your new girlfriend.
Um, Anna is not my new girlfriend.
We've only been out on three amazing dates.
Ha! Sorry, just Anna texted me a picture of a cat dressed up like a dog.
Where does she find this stuff? I'm just a girl in love La-la-la, lovey-dove I can't be held responsible for my actions She's an ingenue I have no underlying issues to address I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed They say love makes you crazy Therefore, you can't call her crazy 'Cause when you call her crazy You're just calling her in love.
Blam! (to "William Tell Overture"): Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell, hell, hell Go to hell, go to hell, hell, hell.
Wha ? I'm throwing it out.
(sighs) (elevator bell dings) Hey, Trish.
Hey, Eddie.
What's up Juanita? Hey, you.
- Oh, I'm-I'm George.
- Yeah, you are.
Ha-ha! Hey, PP.
What happened to all your fun desk stuff? I am re-branding.
And, uh, for starters, don't ever call me PP again.
Oh, wait a minute.
Now, you're not gonna throw out the "Honk if you're horny, Paula Proctor is 40" bumper sticker! That's classic! I have new interests now, Darryl.
REBECCA: Oh, hello, Darryl.
Good morning.
Mm-hmm.
And good morning this guy.
You are looking very well.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Actually, my-my mother found a lump on (laughing): Oh, you're so funny! You are my favorite person in this three-foot radius.
GEORGE: Well, that's nice to hear, 'cause the doctor was crying when he told us.
So it's it's probably not good.
- Yeah, uh-huh.
Okay, cool.
- But it's just one We'll talk about this talk about this later, best friend.
Okay.
That's fine.
Are you and Rebecca still fighting? Come on.
You guys are besties.
Someone should apologize.
I don't want to take sides.
No one needs you to do anything.
(sighs heavily) I wonder what selfish person would hog all the pink highlighters.
Oh! Look at that.
There they are.
(printer whirrs) I know what you want, you know.
You want me to apologize.
You know what, though? I'm not gonna apologize.
You know why? I'm always the one who apologizes.
I mean, usually it's because I'm the one that did the bad thing, but not this time, not this time.
You owe me the apology this time.
You want to know why? You want to know why? Because you came to my girl party, and you were rude to everyone, you were rude to me, you tried to leave early, you broke my new house, - and y - Look, I know you and I are not in a great place, but I have a big paper due next week.
I got to go.
Paula Paula, Paul (sighs) We got to find some way to make this better.
I know.
I just don't know how.
Hey, babe.
You seen my vest and bow tie? I need to get my barbershop quartet outfit dry-cleaned.
Ooh.
I think it's still at the dry cleaners from your last performance.
I hope they didn't give it away.
Quartet outfits are a collector's item.
Hey, you might want to get to the office party a little bit early on Friday.
The white wine flies off the card table.
Ah, I hear that.
Nothing I like better - than a warm Costco white.
- (both chuckle) God, I'm so nervous.
This is the first time I'll be singing in front of the coworkers.
This is a huge gig for us.
We even have an opener.
The boss's kids are doing the first act of Hamilton! What are you reading? You're so into it.
Is it one of your sexy vampire books? No.
It is a fascinating Supreme Court case from 1880 called Yick Wo v.
Hopkins, where the city of San Francisco had said that it was illegal to operate laundries in a wooden building.
But the reason they did that was because two-thirds of the wooden laundries were operated by Chinese owners.
So do you know what that court did? (sighs) They used the Equal Protection Clause from the 14th Amendment - Ah.
- to find that law discriminatory! Boom.
Ha! Cool! - Right? - Oh, laundry's tough we know that.
We have a stack on the washer up to the ceiling.
Uh, hey, do you need a plus-one for Rebecca for Friday? For Rebecca? What? No.
No way.
Oh, are you guys still fighting? You should call her, work it out.
I'm not gonna call her.
She can call me.
She's got my number.
She's being such a petty child.
And she started it.
She's such a baby.
(soft grunt) (click) Hi.
Hey, babe! - Ooh! - Oh! Sorry I'm so late.
Are you ready for the best coffee you've ever had in your life? - Hell to the yeah.
- (laughs) I can't believe it's been three weeks and I haven't taken you here yet.
I've been coming to this place ever since it was just a pop-up.
Oh.
Cool.
(quietly): What? Hey, Ichabod.
The usual, - please.
- You got it, Anna.
One semi-petite latte with organic coconut milk.
- And you, sir? - Just coffee for me, dude.
What kind? - It's all up there.
- Oh.
Okay.
Ooh, you've got single-origin, blended, micro-lot, Indian filter, French press, clover, Turkish, Kyoto drip, Neapolitan flip, V60, Moka pot, drip pot, automatic drop (inhales deeply) Um single-origin, I guess.
Which single-origin? We have 17 different kinds.
Eh uh Uh, you know what? Uh, you pick your fave.
(chuckles) You got it.
Cool.
Hmm.
This is awesome.
I got to remember it.
Note: Silver Brew in Silver Lake.
Repeat: Silver Brew in Silver Lake.
Taylor loves this place.
She brought me here with Lena, Cara, Gwynnie, Selena and Uzo.
All really great girls, except Uzo is a little bit of a name-dropper.
I can't believe you know all these famous people just from tweezing their eyebrows at your salon.
Well, it's not always about the tweezing.
Sometimes it's about not tweezing.
Sometimes I send my clients on, like, six-month growth retreats.
It's all about the bold brow right now; the bigger the better.
Oh! Like the dad in American Pie? Eugene Levy.
Yes! Totally! He's all over the salon inspiration board.
Before I met you, I didn't even know eyebrows were, like, a big deal.
Oh, that's what I love about you.
Love me? Love about you.
Oh.
Yeah.
Got it.
You're so refreshing.
I'm so tired of these skinny, bearded hipsters.
Thank God I'm not skinny, or hip.
Or able to grow a beard.
I like you just the way you are.
Oh.
(laughs) So, Anna I got you something.
I know we've only been seeing each other a couple weeks.
It's probably a little early to pop the gift bubble, but this is technically not for you.
Josh, what did you do? Uh, I got you a present.
Sorry.
Uh, I-I thought that was clear.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
Okay open 'em! (gasps) I got you a cat collar - for your cat! - Oh, my God, this is so cute! Josh! Gravy is gonna be the best-dressed cat in Silver Lake.
You're so sweet.
Thank you.
I love that cat.
You know, I've never loved a cat before.
Seriously.
I've always thought they were haunted.
ICHABOD: Here you go.
Whoa! That foam has a lady's face! Frida Kahlo? Well done, Ichabod.
That is my girl right there.
Talk about brows.
I wish I had her hormone imbalance.
(laughing) Oh.
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, sorry, I didn't hear the (chuckling) Wow.
(sighs): Oh, this is so great.
Hanging out.
You know, friends your own age who don't judge you.
Oh, so you're still in a fight with Paula? 'Cause you keep bringing her up without saying her name.
Just, like, call her and work it out.
I'm not gonna call her.
She can call me.
She has my number.
Forget about Paula.
We are having young fun.
Whatcha up to, Heath? Um, it's Heather, and I'm just doing a Miss Douche AMA.
A lot of questions about baking bread.
- People are really confused about yeast.
- Mm.
- What about you, V? - Oh, just surfin'.
The Internet is so much more fun now that it's a Josh Chan free zone.
I am so glad we Un-followed him.
Oh, my God.
Me, too.
I feel that.
Oh, you both Un-followed him? You really stuck it to him, huh? Yeah, it's pretty amazing.
I don't even have an urge to look at his feed anymore.
It's, like, who cares? Huh? What you got there, girlfriend? Oh, nothing.
It's just an Internet quiz to figure out what Tom Hanks movie my hairstyle is today.
Uh, what? What you got goin' on there, girlfriend? Oh, nothing.
Just watching another pimple popper video.
(chuckles) Ugh.
Mmm.
Coo.
Coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo, coo.
Coolio.
Yeah, I love Coolio.
Yeah.
"Gangsta's Paradise.
" (sputters) Forget it.
Miss that guy.
Yep.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Miss him.
I miss him.
I'm sorry, you guys miss Coolio? Yeah-huh.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Silver Brew? - What? - Nothing.
Oh, my God, who is that? - What? - Oh, nothing.
Just (chuckles) Always forget which Kardashian is which.
(chuckles) Oh, okay, describe her for me.
Is she the tall one, the naked one, or the mom one? 'Cause if you're talking about the model one or the lip one, those are Jenners.
Jenners.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jenga.
Jumanji.
Robin Williams.
Williams.
Mmm.
Willy.
Willy Wonka.
I want candy Are you both high right now? (REBECCA/VALENCIA both gasp): Oh, my God! Josh has a girlfriend! REBECCA/VALENCIA: What did you say? I knew you guys didn't miss Coolio.
- Who is that? - I-I don't know.
Okay, she's tagged as @annathebrowbarian.
You click it.
I can't.
You click it, Okay, okay, okay, click it, click it, click it, click it, click it.
okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Her name is Anna - Hicks.
- Anna Hicks? No one has that name.
That's like the romantic lead in an Adam Sandler movie.
Guys, don't do this.
If you fall down the rabbit hole of Internetting an ex's current girlfriend, you may never come back.
Shh Look at her.
Shh.
Oh, she's so pretty and cool.
Also, she has, like, a permanent flower crown filter face.
What? How do you get that? Oh, my God! I know who she is.
I read about her in Us magazine.
She does eyebrows for celebrities.
Yeah.
There's, like, a three-month waiting list at her salon.
I heard Mary-Kate Olsen had to pretend to be Elizabeth Olsen to get in.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- What?! Okay, I need to see, like, - a billion more pictures of her.
- Me, too.
No.
I mean, you know what they say.
Curiosity killed the Cat.
Look at her.
She has a cat.
She makes being a cat person - look cool.
- Exactly.
Now I want a cat.
What is going on? I don't know.
Up is down, and down is up.
I-I (sighs) Hey.
What are you doing for the next, like, 13 hours? Don't do anything healthy.
Don't be productive.
Give in to your desire.
Research me obsessively Uh-huh Find out everything you can about me You know you want to dig for me relentlessly - Uh-huh - Using every available search tool And all forms of social media Yes.
You know you want to look At my Instagram But it's private So Google me until you find out Where I went to high school And then set up a fake Instagram account Using the name and the photo of someone That went to my high school And hope that I remember that person a little bit Ah.
No.
Then request access to my private Instagram From the fake account And in the meantime scour my work Instagram account 'Cause that one's public Research me obsessively Uh-huh Find an actual picture of my parents' house on Google Maps You know you want to hunt for me tirelessly Uh-huh It's not stalking 'cause the information Is all technically public - That's true, that's true.
- Very true.
Check out every guy I used to date And deduce who broke up with who Based on the hesitation in our smiles So many unanswered questions.
Did I go to the University of Texas? Am I an EMT? Is that my obituary in which I'm survived by my loving husband, Eddie, of 50 years; children, Susan and Matthew; and grandchild, Stephanie? Wait, no.
That's just all people with my same name.
- VALENCIA/REBECCA: Oh.
- Or is it? Pay only $9.
99 on a background check Web site to know for sure.
- I'll do it.
Yeah.
- (scoffs) Yeah.
So don't stop, just research me obsessively Uh-huh, and in lieu of flowers Donate to other me's favorite charity - Aw.
- Aw.
Research me, just research me And research me and research me Oops It's three days later.
- None of this makes any sense.
- Not at all.
There's no way Josh could land someone that cool.
You guys are still here? You've been here for three days.
Well, it would've been a lot less time if someone had stopped me from creating a fake Instagram account.
I told you that's illegal, and I cannot go to jail right now.
I am one stamp away on my frozen yogurt punch card from scoring a freebie, so (groans) What could she possibly see in Josh Chan? I-I have literally no idea what he has to offer to someone like this.
Right? You both dated him.
- Yeah.
But we're mortals.
- Yeah.
And she's like a-a fairy angel.
Yeah.
I mean, really, what could she see in a guy from West Covina who still wears stitchy jeans? And supermarket flip-flops.
And lives with his mother.
Yeah.
He's the worst.
I once saw him bite off a toenail.
Well, I mean, he is very flexible and strong.
And muscular.
Yeah, and his skin color.
Would you say that's, like, caramel? It's just so yummy.
Mmm.
Delicious.
Wow, you guys just did, like, a whole loop-Dee-loop there.
Anyway, I don't know.
This-this isn't adding up.
I think it's on us to get to the bottom of this.
Yeah.
I mean, just because we're over Josh doesn't mean we can let some trendy girl exploit him.
It's not right.
You are exactly right.
We need to investigate.
Yeah.
I'll drive.
Let's Thelma and Louise this thing.
Okay.
Great.
(door opens) Thelma and Louise drove off a cliff, so - (door shuts) - be careful.
(sighs) (humming) Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da.
Ga-da-Ba-da, Ga-da-Ba-da, Ga-da-Ba-da, Ga-da-Ba-da, - Ga-da-Ba-da.
- Warming up? Yeah.
I try to lube the cords well in advance of a show.
Ah, the West Brovinas.
You're the buzz of the shipping department.
Heard so much about you guys.
- You have? - Yeah.
From you.
Every day.
(chuckles) (chuckles) I-I do love barbershop.
Mmm.
Everyone needs a hobby.
Hank, our tenor, likes to say, "It's cheaper than golf and safer than whores.
" Wait, maybe it's "cheaper than whores - and safer than golf.
" Now - Well, personally, I can't wait.
I love close harmony singing.
I die over a perfectly hit seventh.
Wow.
Uh, that's cool, - Tanya.
- Yeah.
See you tonight.
(humming) Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da, Ba-da-Ga-da - I'm so nervous.
- Okay, listen, since you're a sneaky-stalky virgin, just play it cool, okay? She won't notice anything Okay, coolio.
- If you don't notice anything.
- Okay, cool.
So we're just here to Observe and analyze, like in the style of Margaret Mead, Right.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
- Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey - Mm-hmm.
What? Who? - Just figure things out.
- Okay, I'm not stupid.
You just reference obscure things all the time.
I know.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
(whimpers) Wait, O.
M.
G.
, her outfit is beyond.
And I saw that her eyebrows are staggering, of course.
(Valencia scoffs) No, I know you're jonesing, but I can't give you any more of the stuff.
Because.
No, I'm still here.
I'm waiting on a shipment.
Mm-hmm.
What is that? - (Rebecca gasps) - (Valencia stammers) Um Okay, I'm sorry, is she giving all these women - some sort of white powder? - Cocaine? I mean, I was thinking the same thing.
- Or meth or crushed-up oxy.
Who knows? - Oh.
(shushing) Here she comes, here she comes, here she comes.
Peas and carrots, Mmm peas and carrots, peas and carrots, peas and carrots, What are you doing? Peas and carrots.
I'm saying "peas and carrots.
" It's what you do when you're faking chitchat.
I did it in my eighth grade church play, Don't Be Different.
Peas and carrots, peas and carrots, peas and carrots, (stammers) It's peas and carrots, peas and carrots, p You're saying it so loud.
Just stop.
Just Because some girls abuse it and then I have to completely cut them off.
- Oh, my God.
- You're right.
She is a drug salesperson.
- I'll call you back.
- Oh, she sees us.
She's a drug dealer.
Josh's girlfriend is a stone-cold narco.
I mean, I guess it makes sense.
You can't pay gentrified commercial rents by plucking forehead hair.
We have to tell Josh.
There's no way he'll figure it out.
I mean, let's face it, not the smartest.
No, no, no.
He's not so bright.
He once told me his favorite animal was Antarctica.
He thinks eau de toilette is called that because, - Oh, it's from a toilet.
- Oh, it's from a toilet.
- It's so sad.
- Also, he talks to telemarketers.
He'll believe anything anyone tells him.
He's too trusting, too sweet.
I mean, the guy just radiates sunshine.
- I love his mouth.
- Yeah.
We loop-Dee-looped again! - We have to tell him.
- Yes.
We can't just sit here on our big fat lazy fat cans all day.
- All right, let's go.
- Okay.
Um, hey, while we're driving, let's talk about your continued body dysmorphia, 'cause I thought we'd nipped it in the bud.
So, body dysmorphia is often caused by personal trauma, such as childhood teasing or parental over-involvement.
- (thud) - (gasps) That's weird.
Did you leave your purse on the ground? No, I didn't bring a purse.
I brought my mini calf-hair crossbody.
We're on the go.
Yeah, which is why I brought my high school JanSport backpack.
Wait.
So what did I run over? (gasps) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Gravy?! Oh! (mewing) What happened? Who ran my cat?! Oh, my little baby.
It's gonna be okay.
- It's gonna be okay.
- (meowing) Did you see who hit my cat? - Uh, uh, uh - Um, um, we saw we saw it.
It was a hit-and-run.
Someone It was a thoughtless man.
It was a man! It's always a man! - Yeah, it was a man with, um - Uh-huh.
- Um, a hat.
- Yeah.
And-and one eye and a parrot here.
A pirate? A pirate hit my cat? That's insane.
- Yeah, it was it was insane.
- (meowing) That's why she remembers it so vividly.
It was a guy with, like, yellow teeth and black eyeliner.
I bet it's one of those creeps who plays Jack Sparrow on Hollywood Boulevard.
- Oh.
(crying) - Yup.
Um, hey, we were were just gonna drive your cat to the hospital.
- Why don't we take you, too? - (meowing) (whispering): What are you talking about? It's fine.
Shh.
This is all my fault.
I was on the phone, and I left the door open.
If anything happens to him, I don't know what I'll do.
- (door opens) - (sighs) Will you excuse me for one moment? (door closes, dogs barking) What are we doing? I'm over there all by myself comforting the enemy, who smells like heaven, by the way.
I want to get out of here! Shh.
Shh.
Just-just play it cool, okay? (sighs) So, listen, it hit me when we hit the cat.
(laughs) We can't just tell Josh about Anna's drug business.
He'll never believe us.
Okay, we need proof, so I intend to do just that.
Okay, before you go over there, I told her that your name is Madge, and my name is Allegra.
Madge? So you.
- Great.
- Yeah.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Hey.
Hey, honey.
So, the nurse wants you to fill out all this information.
I just figured I'd do it since you're so upset.
- So it's just you and me.
- Okay.
Don't think.
Just rapid fire answer my questions.
So, um, name, age, height, weight? Uh, Gravy Miffy Muffins, uh, six years old, 18 inches, eight pounds? No, honey, honey.
Your name, age, height, weight.
They need it for you for some reason, okay? Okay, so, stay with me.
Stay with me.
Rapid fire.
Stay with me, okay? Okay.
So, name, age, height, weight, occupation, income, uh, felonies, misdemeanors, trouble with the law? - Uh, you're going too fast.
- Okay, got it.
I will go slower, okay? I'll slow it down.
But still, rapid fire with me.
Okay, right with me? Rapid fire.
Okay.
So name? - Anna Hicks.
- Okay.
- Age? - 29.
Older than I thought.
Good for you.
Um, height, weight? Rapid fire? - Five, three.
I don't weigh myself.
- Yes, you do.
Everyone does.
- No, I really don't.
- Put down 115, Madge.
Got it.
Um, okay.
So many questions on this stupid form! (laughs) lt's so thorough.
I don't know why.
- Um, any any run-ins with the law? - (door closes) - Like, felonies, misdemeanors? - Oh, my God! - Is he dead? - No.
He's just fine.
We reattached his tail, and he's gonna be A-okay.
- Thank God.
My little Gravy Wavy.
- We just didn't want this collar to get lost in the shuffle.
It's so pretty.
Thank you.
My boyfriend got it for me.
Mm.
Oh, thanks.
(sighs) Um, so you have you have you have a boyfriend, huh? That was the next question on this weird form.
But you have a ? So, you Yes, to yes, boyfriend, yes? Yeah.
Haven't said it out loud yet, but, um, I guess he is my boyfriend.
It's funny how hard moments make you realize who really matters to you.
Mm.
You know, um, since Gravy's A-okay, why don't I take your mind off of this, and we'll just gab like girls? So tell me about the boyfriend, girlfriend.
(laughs) Um, his name is Josh, and we've only been seeing each other for a couple weeks, so, I guess it's casual, but he's so nice, so helpful.
I've been slammed at the salon lately, and he's been helping me out a ton, making deliveries, pickups, going to Mexico to get product.
- Mexico! Oh, my God! - And he doesn't even ask any questions.
He's so nice.
Yeah.
And I feel bad for him.
He's been through some really tough times, had some toxic relationships.
Toxic? Is that is that, uh, his word, your word, or Britney's word? His word.
Toxic.
He doesn't like to badmouth his exes, but this one girl he dated hounded him to propose.
Hounded? Is that his word, your word or Elvis's word? His word.
Hounded.
And then he dated this psycho who get this quit her job, and then moved across the country to be with him, even though they hadn't seen each other in, like, ten years.
Crazy, right? It also it also could be unfair.
You know, it could be the male gaze version of the narrative.
No.
This girl sounded legit bonker balls.
She told him that she was pregnant with his baby, and then two seconds later, said that she wasn't pregnant with his baby, and then begged him to have period sex.
Excuse me.
What happened? (speaks high-pitched gibberish) Let's not slut-shame the lady just 'cause her libido doesn't go away during menstruation.
That girl, whoever she is, should be commended.
Period sex, period sex - Okay, stop.
- Okay.
When Josh finds out who ran over Gravy, he's going to flip.
He absolutely loves this cat.
Right, but, I mean, how is he even gonna find her? Him? The salon's security footage.
- What? - What? I took over the salon from a jeweler, so the entire front of the salon has cameras.
Josh and I are gonna find the person who ran over my baby if it's the last thing that I do.
Did you hear that Madge? I did, Allegra.
Oh, yeah, we could buy we could buy that place, or this place looks quite promising.
Maybe we could buy it.
Okay, look, I was trying to mislead the neighbors to make them think we're lesbians looking for a new house.
We really need to get that security video, or we are absolute toast, so how are we gonna get in? Do you have a diamond ring that we could use to cut glass? Maybe there's a kitty door or something ? How about we use these? Oh, my God, she has the cutest stuff.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You stole those? Yes.
I don't feel bad about it, either.
She was begging for me to do it.
Leaving the house with that fancy purse? And then leaving it on the floor all wide open with the tip of her keys poking out? Did I take her keys? Damn right I did.
Anyone would have done it.
If anything, I'm the real victim here.
Okay, so we need to have a serious talk about consent.
So, consent is something that must be initiated Okay.
Wow.
(alarm beeping) Aah! Aah! Aah! Don't mind us.
We're just two lesbians.
Nothing to see.
Nothing to see.
Aah! Aah! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, where is it? Where ? Okay, okay, okay, um, um, um - Oh, my God, look at this place! - Oh! Oh! - Aah! Aah! - Okay, okay.
Uh - Okay, okay, we have to guess the code.
- How? I didn't study up enough on her.
Okay, I'll try.
Uh How about her birthday? No.
Oh, Gravy's birthday.
No.
Do you know Gravy's birthday? Just Josh's birthday.
- Mm No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Fail.
- Uh Uh, her parents' credit scores? - Okay, okay.
- Uh, no.
- Uh, no.
Ugh! Her weight! Try her weight! 115! Try it! Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
No.
She doesn't weigh herself, remember? Of course she does.
Hold on.
- Goal weight! That's it! - What? - 113.
Do it! Do it! - Oh! - Do it! - (dings) I knew that bitch weighed herself.
(upbeat music playing, lively chatter) I'm really nervous.
Yeah, I get that.
Do what I do when I get nervous.
Take off your underwear.
You mean, picture people in their underwear? What? Why would that make me more comfortable? Yeah.
That's just awkward.
Nah, I walk around with my bits all wango tango.
It's very relaxing.
Oh, I'm doing a version of that.
Uh, instead of underwear, I'm wearing an old T-shirt upside down.
We haven't done laundry in ages.
Paula's been busy, and I don't know how to work the machine.
Where is Paula? I don't see her with the wives.
She's coming.
She first had to do some law stuff.
What kind of law stuff? I sincerely have no idea.
I just think the relationship between the 21st and the 18th amendment is amazing.
I mean, don't you think? Actually, I've just been sitting here thinking about what I'm gonna pick up for dinner on my way home.
I finally ran out of the frozen dinners - my wife made for us before she - I'm telling you, I have not been this obsessed about something since the first season of The Wire.
Oh.
Yeah.
- You don't watch The Wire? - No.
- (gasping) What? - I know.
I know.
Oh, I am so jealous of you that you get to watch it for the first time.
Oh, ho! Rebecca and I binged that in, like, two days.
We loved it.
She is so Avon.
I am so Stringer Bell.
It is Why am I talking about Rebecca? I'm sorry.
Never mind.
We could talk about my wife.
I did just bring her up.
Oh, of course.
I'm sorry, honey.
Go ahead.
She also pre-ordered, like, a year's worth supply of toilet paper for us.
She was so thoughtful.
I mean, even in her darkest times.
- She was like, "Sunil, I " - What time is it?! - I don't know.
- Oh.
No! Oh, my God.
Okay, I can make it.
I can I can make it.
I can I can make it.
I can make it.
- Where are you going? - I can make it.
I can make it.
I can make it.
I can make it.
(in harmony): Let me call you sweetheart I'm in love with you Let me hear you whisper That you love me, too Keep the love light glowing in your eyes so true Let me call you sweetheart I'm in love With You With you Hey.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
Oh.
Go, so thirsty.
- (song ends) - Aah! Oh! (applause) That's the end of the first song, right? I just missed the end of the first song? That was the encore.
Okay, I'll look on this computer for the footage.
Uh, as long as we're here, you look for evidence of drugs, okay? Go through the drawers.
Okay.
Got it.
Hmm.
Okay.
Found the footage from this afternoon.
Let's look at all the angles.
Maybe maybe it didn't actually get us hitting the cat.
Oh, no.
There it is.
Clear as day.
We really Yeah, we ran over that cat.
Hmm.
My brows are a little thin, aren't they? Ugh.
They're '90s brows.
Damn it.
Hey, what are you doing over there? Did you find drugs? (laughing): No.
But this lotion I'm addicted.
- Dude.
- What? Wow.
Never mind, I'll take care of this.
Okay.
Delete, delete, delete.
Delete, empty trash.
Oh, thank God.
Yes.
Whew.
Oh, what a weight off me.
I wish I could do that in my own life.
Just erase things that happened.
God, I would erase all of junior prom and sixth grade, and so many courtroom farts.
Okay, great.
Let's get out of here.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
It just occurred to me.
If she's doing anything illegal, it will be on these tapes.
We could show them to Josh.
(sighs) I really don't want to get caught.
V, look.
I know this is dangerous.
And I know how we both feel about Josh, but he's an innocent man being turned into a drug mule.
Yeah.
God only knows what he's sticking in his rectum.
Oh, my God, have we talked about that? - What? - Oh, so he never Nothing.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
No.
Uh-uh.
What was I doing? Oh, right.
I'm gonna fast-forward through this to see if she is a hopper movin' g-packs.
She's no corner boy, she's pushin' real weight.
- Ugh.
- It's The Wire.
Have you never seen The Wire? Mm.
Am I supposed to? Oh, my God.
I am so jealous of you right now.
You get to watch it from the beginning.
Paula and I binged the whole thing in two days, and we were obsessed.
We talked like Avon and Stringer Bell - for a solid month.
- Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Wait.
Why am I talking about Paula? I hate her right now.
Okay, fast-forward, let's see.
She's plucking, she's plucking.
She's plucking.
More plucking.
- Oh, there it is, there it is.
- (gasps) Look, she's handing envelopes - of drugs to clients.
- Wow.
This is insane.
She's giving envelopes full of drugs to people out in broad daylight.
It's so brazen.
This is such important work.
I mean, we're gonna blow this wide open.
We could get a Peabody for this.
Oh, look, look.
She's taking the powder out of the envelope, and then she's putting it on the table.
She's showing them how to do the drugs.
REBECCA: Oh, she's gonna shoot up the drugs just like in Breaking Bad.
Have you seen Breaking Bad? - Eh.
- How do you live your life? - I go outside.
- That's fair.
Okay, here we go, here we go.
REBECCA: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She's gonna do the drugs.
She's getting high off her own supply.
- It's going in her mouth.
- No, no, no, no.
It's going up her nose.
- No, no, no.
- Mmm.
It's going on her eyebrows.
- She's putting coke on her eyebrows? - Is that a thing? Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
She's, she's saying something.
Let me Give me a second, I can lipread pretty well.
My semester abroad, I took a deaf lover, okay? All right.
Uh Ooh, she's about to say something.
Okay, uh Put this on your eyebrows two times a day for a month, and you will see a significant change in your eyebrow growth.
Oh.
Oh, it, it makes your eyebrows grow.
Well, that's brilliant.
And disappointing.
(scoffs) Yeah.
I guess that means that It means that Josh is dating a super fly entrepreneur who's probably just using products that haven't been outwardly cleared by the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetics Act.
Great.
Look, I-I said I was sorry.
You're not sorry.
No.
Uh, well, I-I heard the last note, and it was beautiful.
Okay, okay.
I messed up and this is all my fault.
You know how much the Brovinas mean to me, but you don't care.
Yes, I do care.
I just I should have set an alarm or something.
I got, I got caught up in something.
- Law thing.
- Oh, well, yeah.
And I You-you know what? But it's wrong.
And I know that now.
I have been so supportive, and I think what you're doing is great, but I feel left out.
You're so distracted lately.
I know, I know, but I Look, I-I-I will try to do better.
I was great out there, Paula.
I nailed that low "A".
Hank's wife said I sounded like Lou Rawls.
Tanya, from shipping bought six CDâs for her care packages for the troops.
Does she not support the troops? Wow.
Fair.
Fair.
Horrible time for a joke.
Scott.
I am so sorry.
Okay, this is all This is 100% my fault.
I don't care who's fault it is.
I just feel bad right now.
Well, I guess we should go.
Yeah.
There's nothing more to see here.
No, wait.
Look at that.
Oh, Josh gave her flowers? Wow.
That's a big bouquet of flowers, J.
Chan.
The only time he got me flowers was prom night.
Blue carnations from a gas station.
From a bucket.
In return, I gave him my virginity.
I thought this was a rebound relationship.
No, no, no, no, no.
It is.
It is.
(sighs) He just needs to get the blonde out of his system.
- Shh! What's he saying? Deaf lover.
- Oh.
- What's he saying, what's he saying? - O-o-okay, okay, okay.
He's saying "Anna, you are so cool.
I get so stoked when we chill.
" Oh, no big deal, he said stuff like that to me all the time.
He gets stoked when his mom makes bagel bites.
Um "I just had to tell you that I've never felt this way about anyone else.
" "Ever.
" "Never ever.
" Okay, I got it.
"Like, ever.
" I told you guys, curiosity killed the cat.
Mm.
It didn't kill the cat, it just ripped off the cat's tail, which has now been reattached.
Mm.
But I guess you were right.
We shouldn't have gone down the rabbit hole.
The only thing down there is regret made of rabbit poop.
Well said.
Well, I'm just glad you guys are over it.
He never loved us.
Nope, either of us.
And he's obviously over us.
So, if he's done, then we should be done too.
Mm.
It's time to move on.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Okay, let's see.
Too tall, too hairy, too bald.
Ugh, too karate.
That one'll do.
Wait, y-you're ditching me? But we were gonna go binge-watch something.
I've been saving Friday Night Lights for someone special.
I'm sorry, hon, maybe another time.
And I really do love all your girl bonding stuff, but right now, I really need to get laid.
Are you serious? You've got your jacket? Come on.
What don't where you going? Don't leave.
I'm gonna grab a drink with Hank.
Please, just stay and we'll talk this out.
Paula, I need a minute.
I need to cool off.
(door opens and closes) Hey, Sunil, it's me, what are you Oh, you're busy with the kids? Just, well I don't know, put on a movie or something No, it's fine.
No, never mind.
It's it was nothing.
Yeah, I'll I will talk to you tomorrow.
(80's power ballad-type music plays) We used to be there for each other Every second With one emoji we could read each Other's soul But since we've been apart There's an aching in my heart It's an aching that no cocktail can control And I Really wanna tell you that I'm sorry And I Really wanna tell you that I am the worst And I just wanna say I miss you every day And I will But you go first (spoken): I mean, This is almost entirely All my fault here But you gotta admit It's just a tiny bit Your fault too This is so all on me But still, you kinda have to agree BOTH: That sometimes you can be really Passive-aggressive Self-involved BOTH: So Go ahead and say you're kinda sorry So I can say "Oh, no, no, please" Just like I rehearsed If you'll open the door I'll apologize so much more Yes I will But you go first.
That'll be $300.
I'll see you again tomorrow.
Bye!