Crossing Swords (2020) s02e07 Episode Script

1
‐ Ooh, new flags! Vexillology is my hobby.
‐ Oh, this is bad, Broth. Really bad.
‐ I'm with you, man.
Asymmetry is so last season.
And royal blue? Really?
A little on the nose.
Wait, no. What's happening?
‐ The Old King hijacked the throne
‐ Jacked it.
‐ and he's completely nuts!
‐ Nuts.
I'm sorry. I pathologically
can't take things seriously.
I‐I'm sure everything will be just fine.
‐ You there! Jews!
Show your tits or get off my lawn!
Woo!
Patrick, do what he says,
or we won't get the beads.
Ah!
‐ Fools!
‐ Behold, your rightful king!
‐ Fuck
‐ Why does your ex‐girlfriend's
grandpa get to be king?
When is it my turn? I wanna be king!
‐ The Old King was always
supposed to be the king,
but Merriman overthrew him.
Now, the Old King's back, which is bad.
That's all you need to know, Broth.
It's bad.
‐ I am living for this family drama.
‐ I'm honored to be back on the throne.
I plan to restore this
kingdom to greatness.
‐ He seems cool.
‐ Uh‐huh. Give it a second.
‐ And as your ruler,
I'd like to talk about
the new declarat‐‐
Ew
I hereby declare that if the king‐‐
parentheses me‐‐
pees himself, everyone who sees it‐‐
parentheses you‐‐ must also pee!
Under penalty of death!
‐ And there it is.
‐ I can't go. I'm pee shy!
Is he gonna kill me?
The other king never
made me piss my pants!
‐ I didn't think I'd ever say this,
but this kingdom is in trouble
without Merriman on the throne.
‐ Ah, hell yeah! I love a good
"Patrick saves the day" scheme.
Let's get Merriman back. What's the plan?
‐ There's no plan!
I'm just a squire!
Regime change is not my department.
‐ The sound of your
voice is like a waterfall.
Oh! Yeah. Oh
‐ From public school to this.
Kind of a lateral move.
‐ Oh! A man who appreciates fine cuisine.
I've always thought that
"ladle" is a sexy word.
Ladle‐ladle‐ladle‐ladle‐ladle‐ladle‐ladle.
‐ Mom! What the hell are you doing?
‐ I'm obviously seducing this guard,
so we can get out of here.
‐ It won't work, ma'am. All of us assigned
to your watch are eunuchs.
‐ Oh. Is scissoring off the table?
‐ Please don't say scissor.
‐ I noticed your tunic is still dry.
Y‐yes, sir!
I, um, don't know how to pee on command
‐ Well, if you want to be a knight,
you need to learn how to do a lot
of useless stuff on command.
‐ Kings are going to order you
to do a lot of stupid shit.
As long as you're doing that
stupid shit with your boys,
it's all worth it.
The brotherhood.
‐ Sir,
the brotherhood's all I've ever wanted.
‐ Good, good to hear.
Now, piss your pants!
‐ Ah! Ah. Ah
‐ Good man.
‐ As you may know, my grandfather
has appointed me to be
his top royal advisor.
‐ Are we having taquitos for dinner?
Taquitos are my top royal advisor.
‐ Uh, r‐right Which is why
I wanted to talk‐ito
about a new policy
that we are working on.
‐ I'm bored. When do we watch
the sweaty gladiators
stab each other in the neck?
Oh, excellent joke, Your Majesty.
N‐no, the‐the gladiator fights stopped
long ago for being too barbaric.
The safety of our subjects
is of the utmost importance.
The‐the loyal subjects, that is.
‐ Pretty sure she wants to kill me.
‐ So, I have recruited
someone very special.
Please welcome my new head of security.
Sir Midnight Darkness X!
Six‐foot‐twelve! 450 pounds!
335 confirmed kills!
Even his two mothers,
one of whom he calls Carol,
quake in terror at the sound
of his approaching footsteps.
Holy shit!
‐ It's really him!
‐ Fucking legendary!
‐ Why did you have that?
‐ It's my mom's lucky bra.
She said to only use it
in case of an emergency.
‐ He will ensure that anyone
who challenges the throne
will be dealt with accordingly.
‐ Enough chit‐chat. New Bungles.
Dance!
‐ Blarney? You're working here?
‐ I'm the new court jester!
We're coworkers now, dingleberry!
‐ Patrick, your ex is walking over.
‐ Mm‐hmm. Yeah. I can see her.
‐ Don't worry. I'll be right here
the whole time. I got your back.
‐ Fuck off, Broth.
‐ Bye, Patrick!
‐ Patrick, walk with me.
‐ Danielle
‐ Princess Danielle, cretin.
I should execute you on the spot.
You ruined years of planning,
killed my mother, and nearly killed me!
How does it feel knowing I finally won?
‐ Uh, bad?
‐ Well, it makes me horny.
Something about your
crushed little spirits
brings my panties to a boil.
So, I won't kill you.
‐ That's a relief.
‐ On one condition.
Tell me where Merriman is.
‐ Where's Merriman?
Ask me something easier like
where's the wind?
The man's a ghost.
He's everywhere and nowhere at all.
You could drop in the middle of
the Serengeti, and 48 hours later,
he'd pop up in the middle of your bathtub,
ready to shave your legs.
‐ Well, that was colorful.
Look, my regime will never
be seen as legitimate
until Merriman is under my control.
I need him back.
I don't know where he is?
‐ Wow. I should absolutely kill you.
Mm, but then again, the panties thing.
Hm
Maybe a little manual labor
will loosen your tongue.
Report to the soup kitchen
tomorrow for peeling duty.
‐ Your stories are fascinating!
Not at all boring.
Tell me more about this ska band.
‐ Yeah, it was great
before Skanky Hank bailed.
We were almost signed, man.
‐ You just need to do some visualization.
Close your eyes.
‐ Ah!
Now, imagine signing the contract.
Skanky Hank isn't there.
He just got syphilis.
Are all those zeros for you?
Yes, yes! They are!
‐ I wouldn't sign that contract yet.
‐ Ow! What the hell?
‐ Tulip, you are obviously too
dangerous to keep in this dungeon.
‐:
Oh no, for the love of Christ!
Don't put me in the other dungeon!
‐ Your sex dungeon?
Oh no, that would be impossible.
I'm having it converted into
a children's literacy center.
‐:
No! Literate children
talk back twice as hard! Oh
‐ You will be exiled to
a mid‐range island resort.
Three and a half out of five stars.
Still under remodel.
‐ The mediocrity is worse
than if it were just bad!
‐ My god, you're so dramatic.
Tropical island? I'll pack my things.
‐ Oh no. You're not going.
No, no. I have a much more
suitable punishment for you.
‐ Ho, ho! You're gonna kill me?
Fuck! You! I'll shank you, bitch!
Attica! Attica!
‐ Oh no,
I'm not going to kill you.
Some fates are worse than death.
‐ Oh, Blossom!
‐ Patrick!
‐ Ah!
Patrick, hey. It's the king. Merriman.
We used to work together, remember?
I wore this.
‐ What are you doing?
You're the most wanted man in the kingdom!
If anyone sees you here,
we're both dead.
‐ I can't leave until I hear
your "Patrick saves the day" scheme.
‐ Why does everyone think
I have a plan for this?
‐ Don't yell at me.
I don't have anywhere else to go
‐ I'm sorry. I really am glad you're okay.
Everything's crazy with
your dad in charge.
‐ Yeah! I know!
That's why I overthrew him!
I mean, he made 69
the only legal sexual position!
It's like trying to eat ice cream
while someone else
is shoving ice cream in your butt!
You don't get to enjoy
the ice cream, Patrick!
And I'm starving.
No one will give me food.
‐ You need money to buy food.
‐ No one will give me money, either!
‐ Go get a job, so they'll give you money,
then buy food.
Food will give you energy
to go back to your job to earn
more money to buy more food.
‐ Ah It's the perfect cycle.
‐ Just make sure to save
some for taxes to give to the king.
‐ What? I work all day to give
my money to some asshole
just because he was born to the right dad?
This cycle is flawed! Do other people
know how fucked up this all is?
‐ Nope. You're the first person
to ever figure it out.
Here's some food and clean clothes.
Follow the river south to
the village by the woods.
We used to vacation there when I was
little. It's a good place to lay low.
‐ Hold onto this for me. You're the only
one I can trust to take care of him.
‐ Him?
‐ Goodbye, Crownie.
Goodbye, Merriman. I will miss you.
Oh, Crownie. Don't cry.
‐ How did you‐‐ Never mind. Just go. Now.
You know who they're sending after you?
Sir Midnight Darkness X.
‐ Oh, I'm so scared
Fuck off, Patrick! I'm built like a tank.
‐ Hm?
Oh!
‐ A hobo took my money.
‐ Patrick!
Hi, hon!
‐ What are you two doing here?
‐ Your mother heard about
a fancy new place in this shitty village.
Turns out, there's a meal
between breakfast and lunch.
‐ It's called blunch, and the champagne
has orange juice in it!
‐ Can you believe it?
‐ All hail the new
slash old king.
‐ Nice chat, you two.
Hope you're walking home.
‐ Blunch, blunch, blunch!
‐ Hey, little bro! Did you hear
the kingdom instituted
mandatory Taco Tuesday!
‐ I'm making queso!
‐ Come on by! We're hosting!
‐ Wow. Free healthcare,
government‐enforced family fun?
Maybe the Old King has
his shit together after all.
Hi! I'm Patrick.
I'm here for peeling duty.
I'm really excited to
make a difference here.
You know, peeling vegetables
for homeless people is‐‐
‐ Vegetables for homeless people?
Nah. You've been assigned
to peel vegetable homeless people.
‐ I'm sorry, what?
‐ The needy gotta eat.
It's the perfect cycle.
‐ You're peeling comatose homeless people
to serve to other homeless people?
‐ It's not that bad.
If you don't think about it.
‐ That doesn't make any sense!
Why would you peel them?!
‐ The husk is mostly dirt.
Look, these orders are coming
from the king directly, kid.
It's either do your job or get beheaded.
Hey, Patrick!
Don't worry. They're like lobsters.
I've heard they don't feel a thing.
They do scream though.
‐ Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Oh!
‐ Queso is just melted cheese!
‐ Queso makes a house a home!
‐ Well rum?!
It won't stop between
upright and totally flat.
What kind of bullshit
Oh, fine! This is just fine! Fine!
Goddamn three‐and‐a‐half‐star resort!
‐ I'd love to introduce the three of you
to our new lady‐in‐waiting.
Come on in, cousin!
Welcome, Blossom.
I believe you already
know the other girls.
‐ Get out of the way, Human Shield!
‐ Hey! She's a person,
not a job description.
Henceforth, Human Shield
will be known as Human Being.
‐ My name's Meredith.
No one cares.
‐ Now, I've created a new
job for you, Blossom.
"Morale facilitator."
‐ I'm a fucking cheerleader?
‐ Let's practice, shall we?
Blossom, say something nice
about Human Being's new flower crown.
It doesn't look like fat shit.
Surely, you can do better than that.
Kiss each other!
‐ No! Stop. That won't be necessary.
‐ You're right.
Kill each other!
In the gladiator pit!
‐ Danielle!
You sent me to peel homeless people?!
‐ That'll be all for now.
‐ Chopping up poor people as food
doesn't strike you as psychotic?
‐ Well, the Old King's original plan
was way more horrifying!
I'm softening that man's worst instincts.
‐ You know Merriman
would be better for this kingdom!
‐ I'd be better for the kingdom,
but I can't replace the Old King
until Merriman is locked up or dead!
Which you. Could. Help. With.
But you're being a total
little bitch about it. Oi!
Your order is to bring me Merriman.
Dead or alive?
‐ Oh! Surprise me.
‐ Ow!
‐ Right. I've gotta go jill off.
This sexual tension
between us is killing me.
‐ Man, I wish I had one of those
plans everyone thinks I have.
Maybe my plan
is ruining that guy's plan.
‐ Wait, what's that saying?
"You give a man some jerky,
he eats for a day.
Use that jerky to fish,
and he eats for a lifetime!"
Well, that was a load of bullshit.
Oh, I'm still hungry.
If only the woods could sustain a person.
Get‐get outta here! Shoo! Vermin!
Sustenance!
I can use this mushroom to catch a fish!
No! That's where I went wrong before.
Oh, ho! I'm adapting!
Mm
That's gross. Blech. I'll just chase it
by licking this toad.
There we go.
Now, the rest of day
should be perfectly normal.
You! Giant stump. Are you hiring?
I need food plus tax money.
Oh This isn't good
‐ Excuse me!
Have you seen a man come through here?
‐ A man?
Can you get a bit more specific, lad?
I only had one visitor today.
Black armor, about six‐foot‐twelve,
head like a boulder,
and soul dark as night.
See how much more helpful
that was than just "a man"?
‐ Yes. I do.
‐ Well, he's right behind you.
‐ You're even bigger close‐up.
‐ Everyone's bigger close‐up.
‐ So, Princess Danielle said
I should tag along on your mission today.
She thought I might learn something.
I‐I wanna be a knight,
you know, just like you.
We die young,
but benefits are pretty good.
‐ Ooh! You see something?
It looks like mud to me.
Is mud a clue?
He went this way, one hour ago.
‐ How do you know that?
You can tell
by the depth of the footprints.
Also, he left that.
‐ You are so wise, fancy worm!
Do you know the secret of the universe?
Oh
Hey, man, we are all one
in this majestic ballet of life.
Life life life life life
This is my place in the dance.
Do you know your place in the dance?
It's
‐ Holy fucking fuck!
This is fine, man.
A natural part of the cycle,
even as it severs
my delicate butterfly spine.
Oh no!
No, I don't like it!
No, I don‐‐ I don't like it!
‐ I still don't see why a couple's
retreat is necessary, Mark.
We just did one!
‐ You were late,
and I did the whole thing myself, Coral!
‐ Well, I'm here now.
‐ But you're not really present!
Can't we just put aside our roles
as pirate queen and CPA,
and just be woman and man
for a single weekend?
‐ Fine. You have my undivided attention.
Help!
‐ Oh, thank God.
Tulip, is that you?
What's wrong?
‐ Oh, Coral! Thank goodness.
Look! This sushi's made
with imitation crab!
‐ Wow, this feels like a new low.
‐ What are you doing here?
‐ Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm going to die crushed by
a weighted blanket of averageness.
‐ Hey, hey! That's what I call Mark.
Why don't we try and cheer you up?
‐ I'm the pirate queen of the world!
‐ I'm definitely gonna
break up with her this time.
Probably.
‐ So, basically, I wanna be
a knight to help people.
But I guess I never thought about
having to serve under a king
that's so unpredictable?
Why did you wanna be a knight?
I wanted brothers,
and knighthood is a bond
thicker than blood.
You are a squire now,
but one day, you will be a knight.
That makes us family.
‐ Ah! What the hell?
Oh my god!
Yup. That's a dickmouth viper.
The venom turns your dick inside out,
then makes it tunnel up through your body
and pop out of your mouth.
‐ Wow! You saved me!
The number one rule of knighthood,
always protect each other.
Hm
He's close.
Huh?
‐ Sire, run! It's Sir Midnight Darkness X!
X X X
‐ Oh
You're in danger! Run!
‐ Don't you lecture me,
you little bunny!
I'm gonna boop your nose!
‐ Are you high? Not today, man!
Be careful,
little bunny.
There's a big bear behind you
with an axe! Which seems redundant.
Here's the rock you threw to distract me.
Step aside.
‐ Listen,
I know you're just following orders,
but Merriman would be
better for the kingdom.
Knights follow orders.
‐ King Merriman, run!
‐ You've gotta try harder
than that, scary bear!
Oh!
‐ No!
‐ Go find a beehive, bear.
Rubber chicken! Classic gag.
Wait! Butterfly! I have some sad news
about one of your friends!
Brother?
‐ Ah
Merriman!
Please come back!
I betrayed the brotherhood.
I killed Sir Midnight Darkness X
to help Merriman escape.
‐ Traitor!
I sentence you to death.
Uh, bring out the chopping block.
‐ I deserve it. I broke my oath
and let down my kingdom.
‐ He's so fucking emo.
Why is that so erotic?
Um, instead of beheading him,
what if we
reopened the gladiator arena?
‐ For realsies? Hooray!
‐ No, you can just behead me.
‐ It's settled then. Guards!
Get this prisoner prepared for battle.
I'm stalling for you as best I can.
‐ You should've let them chop off my head.
‐ Oh, that's so hot.
Are you doing that on purpose?
‐ Patrick! I think these
people may be trying to kill you.
‐ Good.
‐ Oh
What the
Where am I?
‐ Looking good, Maxwell.
I'll get you those reports
by the end of the day.
‐ What the devil?
‐ You see the game last night, Maxwell?
‐ What game?
‐ Ha! Exactly. Classic Maxwell.
‐ Am I in Hell?
Holy shit.
I am in Hell!
That was amazing.