Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e07 Episode Script
The Art of Gambling
What do you know about art? I know a little.
Did some naked modelling in college.
Ah, I guess that's one way to make some money.
That's funny.
I paid them.
Oh.
Well, tell me this.
Why isn't Wessex on the art trail? I would tell you if I knew what that was.
It's this tourism thing where people drive from town to town and look at art.
Every town around here is on it except us.
And if every other town fell off a lucrative tourism bridge and landed in a pile of cash, I suppose you'd want to do that too.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, where'd you hear about this art thing? I read about it.
I read a lot of those artsy publications.
Art trail? I want to get Wessex on this art trail.
Okay.
Seriously, though, you--? You modelled naked in college? Yeah, all the time.
They used to call me the Wrinkly-- Please don't finish that sentence.
No, that's it.
They just called me the Wrinkly.
Oh.
Your résumé is very impressive, Claire.
Has a real impact.
Thank you, Barbara.
I used the Impact font.
Oh.
Now, the reason we're hiring someone new is that our current anti-gambling campaign isn't working.
"Why stop now?" Yeah, on the back we list reasons why you should stop.
But, you know, nobody ever turns it over so-- Anyway, this is gone, and we're looking for someone else.
Why should that be you? Well, we at Kendall and Associates-- Are small.
Going with your firm might be too much of a gamble.
- Well, um-- - I mean, why should I blow on my fist and roll the die for you? We will work twice as hard as anyone else out there.
I don't know, Claire.
I don't want to take a penny between my thumb and forefinger and scratch away the latex, only to reveal a box saying, "Play again" if you know what I mean.
You know melons? I did the campaign for those.
Oh, didn't know they had one.
But you are aware of melons.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm not going to make any promises, but I'm going to let you come in and pitch to me.
Oh, thank you! I feel like I hit the jackpot! Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Yeah, Claire, that's kind of inappropriate.
Wow, Claire must really want this job.
She's smiling and nodding more than usual.
(Laughing) What gives? Anti-gambling account.
Something to do with video lottery terminals.
Oh, those things ruin lives.
Really? I shoot you not.
People mortgage their homes for their habits.
- So are VLTs like legal? - Yup.
- And they make a lot of money? - Yup.
- And they ruin people's lives? - Yeah.
- We got to have one.
- No! I did not get into the business of selling alcohol to people to ruin lives.
Good for you, taking a stand.
Who wants to make a hundred grand a year on people's misery? - A hundred grand? - A honey G.
Fine, if it will make you happy and get you off my back, we'll get one.
So did you find someone to do your art thingy? I think so, yeah.
I read about him in one of my arty periodicals.
Ah, sculptor.
His name is Lenny-Man.
He's a sculptor.
Lenny-Man? What kind of name is that? It's a hyphenated name, like Spider-Man.
I didn't know that artist either.
No, look, I want to meet with Lenny-Man.
And I want to meet with the guy that runs the art trail.
Okay, done.
Any chance you'll need me to do some nude modelling? - No.
- Too bad.
Those were the best days of my life.
You really liked that art class, huh? Art class? No, that was engineering.
Yeah.
Karen, I'm going to work from home.
I need you to forward all my calls.
Adorable.
I love how you used the plural.
I am working up a pitch for a major account.
Oh.
Ooh, big pitch, huh? - Batter up.
- Yeah, gambling awareness.
I'm a little nervous.
Okay, well, here's a little sales tip, man to man.
When you pitch a client, make it appear like you've got common ground, that you share a connection.
What kind of connection? A connected one.
Like when I pitch a contract to a bike company, I pretend that I do biathlons, and I wear a pair of bike shorts.
- Okay.
- Okay.
When I pitch a contract to cowboys from Alberta (Western accent): I talk with a drawl and I wear-- - A cowboy hat? - No, ass-less chaps.
I'm not sure about this.
Feels sort of unethical.
Do you think one's going to be enough? Oh, one's plenty.
I put it by the window to lure in all the weak and addictive personalities.
Come on, Fern.
You think that really works? Hey, guys, I saw the VL machine from the window.
That's so cool! But wrong.
But cool.
Glenbridge, Belleville, oh, Hamilton.
It's impressive.
Yes, I've done pieces in all of North America's major hamlets.
How many of those were nudes? Who is this guy? He's the mayor.
No, you.
Who are you? Oh, oh, I'm the chief of staff, Alan Duffy.
Oh, you'll be the lackey that will be setting up my studio space.
That's me.
I like this guy.
Seriously, though, how many were nudes? We're in a bit of a time crunch.
You think you'd be able to finish your sculpture in two weeks? - Yes.
- Good, you're hired.
When do we start? Shouldn't we ask him a few more questions, like-- Oh, I don't know-- What his rate is? I don't like to talk numbers.
Oh, I can appreciate that.
Fifty grand.
Wow, that's-- That's a lot of-- Deal! Just because he says, "Deal!" doesn't mean we necessarily-- Do you want to get on the nude-art trail or not? If it helps, I have access to a tanning bed.
Yeah.
Damn it.
Ooh, gambling's got you a little testy.
Not doing too well with the kings and queens? The screen keeps cutting out.
Oh, yeah, likely story.
Hey, you know computers.
Any chance you could take a look? Sure, buddy.
Anything to get you away from this thing.
Thanks, pal.
Hm.
(Machine chiming) Soft.
Sexy.
My name is Mike.
And that is why you should, um, hire Kendall and Associates.
Sorry, Claire.
I think we're going to have to go in another direction.
Another direction? What direction? Oh, it's a euphemism for "we're not hiring you.
" Wait, there's something I forgot to mention.
We have something in common, a connection.
A connection? Yes, we are connected, and our connection is-- I'm a problem gambler.
Yeah, I don't know how that-- Sorry, I-- I meant a recovering problem gambler, fully recovered.
A fully-recovered problem gambler.
You know, it took a lot of guts for you to come in here with this.
(Sighing) Speaking about addiction is never easy.
No, I meant this.
It's pretty weak.
But to your credit, you've been there.
You gambled and lost, and came out the other side, so I'm going to put my money on big loser to win.
And am I big loser? - Yes.
- Yes! Shall we go for a drink to celebrate? Sure, I'm not a recovering alcoholic or anything, unless you want me to be.
DAN: Nice place.
Looks expensive.
Well, he's an artist and he needs his ambiance.
You know, it's been a week.
I haven't heard anything yet.
That's because I'm getting it done.
Oh, can I have a peek? I mean-- Don't worry.
I won't judge.
Anything goes.
There's nothing here.
You said, "Anything goes.
" Yeah, anything, not nothing.
I didn't say, "Nothing goes.
" Yeah, well, inspiration hasn't hit.
Well, inspiration needs to hit.
I think I can help.
All right, let's get her done.
Oh, man, you're just wearing socks! I know.
I'm kind of embarrassed by my toes.
(Sighing) Hey, sorry I'm late.
Alan had to show me something.
Can I get a Scotch? It's 11:00 a.
m.
Yeah, I know.
I hope you don't mind.
My client's meeting us.
I wanted to run a few ideas past her.
Oh, there she is.
Don't act surprised if I mention my gambling problem.
What gambling problem? I faked a problem to land the job.
Oh, Claire! Hi, Barbara.
Hi.
This is my partner, Dan Phillips.
Oh, of course.
I know about you.
Oh, Claire's probably told you I've been her crutch through this terrible gambling addiction.
No, because you're the mayor.
Right, mayor by day, crutch by night.
He's been very supportive.
Yeah, she's come a long way since her days of lying and deceit and pulling other people into her world of lying and deceit.
(Machine chiming) Hey, buddy.
(Grunting) You almost finished? You've been fixing that thing for a week.
(Grunting) Wow, you are really intent on your work.
Shut up! You're jinxing me from fixing this machine.
Sorry.
Just want to say I think you're doing a really great job fixing the machine.
I'm fixing it.
Sure, sure.
Can I get you anything? Drink on the house? Some finger food so you can keep one hand free for fixing? Sure, for fixing.
(Machine chiming) Yes! Great, now I got to fix the bell noise! Is it okay that we're meeting here? I wouldn't want the VL to trigger an episode.
Oh, it's okay.
I asked Jeff to put me on a VLT no-play list.
No-play list? Why? I'm a-- I'm a reformed gambler.
Kicked the habit a couple of years ago, right, Dan? It's been hard.
I still find playing cards hidden in secret stashes around the house.
I've blacked most of it out, so if you need specifics, I can't tell you.
Wow, well, don't worry, Claire.
As soon as our machine gets fixed, you'll be the first to not play it.
(Machine chiming) Ugh! Still broken.
I'm sorry.
This isn't working out.
We're going to need that deposit back.
Deposit? Oh, no, no, no, there's no deposit.
Oh, good.
No, we paid up front.
- Ugh! - Oh, don't worry.
This is how it always goes.
First people hire me.
Then they try to fire me.
Then they find out they can't.
Then, if there's time left, I do art.
Fine, but you got to get something done on time.
Then no further interruptions! From now on, I'm only dealing with the sycophant.
- That's me.
- Alan, I want you to tell the tiny mayor that I want no further interruptions! Lenny-Man says he wants no further interruptions.
I heard him.
He also said you were tiny.
You know, could we go back to the "try to fire him" part? Five dollars on girl for the 11th.
Gotcha.
What's going on? Oh, baby pool for Sheila.
Cool, put me down for five on boy.
Sorry, we're not taking any more bets.
Fifty on caesarean.
Oh, thank you, Sheila.
I thought you weren't taking any more bets.
From you.
I heard about your gambling habit.
- Oh.
- Mm-hm.
(All laughing) Oh, what's going on in there? That's the baby shower.
Maybe I'll drop in for a slice of cake! Oh, you probably shouldn't, because the cake was paid for by the baby pool.
And also, there's going to be a draw later, so you-- You know what? I don't care about your baby pool or your baby shower.
I was just betting five bucks to be polite.
And because you're a problem gambler.
Yeah, go ahead.
Go to preggy's stupid baby shower.
Look stupid in there.
And PS, I bet she is going to have the lamest baby ever.
There you go betting again.
Ooh! Hey, you're back.
Whoo, and I am drained.
Being an artist's assistant is hard work.
So how's the piece coming along? Great.
Ever since you stopped pestering us, Lenny's been getting a lot of work done.
Oh, so you're on the first half of the hyphenated name basis with him now, are you? Yeah, totally.
Anyway, the piece looks great.
It's going to make you look real good.
So, you know, what's it look like? Give me details.
I can't say.
Talking about it diffuses the energy.
What energy? The energy, the energy.
- Oh, yeah, the energy.
- You wouldn't get it.
Oh, and by the way, sorry about what happened in the studio before.
Oh, it's okay.
No, it's unprofessional.
I should not have kept my socks on.
(Machine beeping) (Machine chiming) Hey, Mike.
I see you're blowing off Sheila's baby shower too.
Like, who wants to eat cake with a stupid pregnant woman anyway? I mean, she'll probably eat most of it by herself.
Rah, rah, rah, rah! Okay, I got to use the john.
Save my seat until I get back.
Um, sure.
Don't let anyone sit here.
- Okay.
- Anyone.
Gotcha.
Machine is hot.
- It's about to pay the Fairy Man.
- The Fairy Man? Just hold the seat.
(Machine chiming) (Gasping) Claire, you shouldn't be-- I didn't! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! Barbara? Claire, what the--? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
I'm not-- No, no, it's not what you think.
It's not what you think.
It's not what you-- It's not what you think.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
(Machine ringing) Dan? There's something you should see in the studio.
Hello.
Is it me you were looking for? Go, check it out.
Oh, it's me! Great, isn't it? I guided his hands.
You told me he was doing something that would make me look good.
You do look good.
What's the problem? I finished on time! I want a new piece! The art-trail guy is coming today.
Screw the art-trail guy! - I already did.
- Ooh, boom goes the dynamite.
I don't have to put up with this.
My work has been featured on public-access television on three continents! I am one of the foremost face painters in the children's festival circuit and I am artist-in-residence at Leswig's Fairmount Mall! When you look back on this time, and you only only see one set of footprints, you will know it was then that Lenny-Man carried you! Great, now what? Why are you asking me? Have I ever been helpful? Thanks for giving me a chance to explain what you saw at Fern's.
I appreciate you taking the time.
No problem at all.
I've cleared the entire afternoon.
This is an intervention.
I-- I really don't think I need this.
When's the part when we get to tell Claire how much she's hurt us? It's the only reason I'm here.
I took the afternoon off work for it.
How did I hurt you? You called my baby lame! I didn't say it was lame.
I said it was going to be lame.
Okay, now, let's do a little role-playing.
Who would like to be Claire? Oh, please let me be stupid Claire.
Jeff, you have been quiet.
Show us how Claire hurt you, and wear this wig.
Oh, Dan, may I introduce the chair of the art trail? Gregory, Gregory Chair.
Oh, great.
Um, I'm sorry to do this.
We're going to have to reschedule.
That's disappointing.
And I have a reporter from inFlight Magazine with me.
InFlight Magazine? Seriously? Yes, what a shame.
She was going to do a huge spread on the Wessex art scene.
Oh, one of those articles with the English on one side and the French on the other? Yes, that's right.
And it was going to be in the best spot too, right between the cologne ads and famous Canadians' birthdays.
You know what? Let's have lunch to talk this through, yeah? Huh? I've always wanted to see my name in French.
(Machine beeping) Oh, you look rough.
I've just been through a horrible experience.
They made me wear a wig, and they wouldn't let me take it off until I cried.
Claire is addicted to gambling because of that stupid machine! I'm starting to think maybe Mike is hooked.
Triple cherries! Triple seven! I'm addicted to gambling! (Sighing) It all seems so obvious now.
No, don't do it.
Reconsider.
No, this thing has cost enough wigs and crime.
(Gasping) What did you do? I was about to make some serious progress in fixing it.
We're getting rid of it for your own good.
If this VLT goes, I never will.
I'm staying here in protest.
You're an addict.
Liar! Say that all you want.
Liar, liar.
- I'm not listening.
- Liar! Liar! You want me to keep your tab open? Liar! Liar! Liar! Thanks for the intervention.
Mm, I know it can be painful.
Yeah, especially the part where we played the trust exercise, and no one caught me.
Well, goodbye.
Oh, by the way, I'm going to have to pull you from the account.
What? For your own good.
The stress has obviously triggered your addiction.
But the intervention fixed me.
I won't gamble again.
That's what they all say.
I need this account.
You need the account? Or you need the thrill of the account? Yeah.
It was all BS, okay? I'm not a gambler.
I never was a gambler.
I lied because I wanted the job.
Denial, the classic sign.
Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine, I am a gambler.
I am a terrible gambler, but I won't do it again.
Bargaining, another sign.
Look, I'm begging you.
Yeah, begging is not one of the signs, Claire.
Please, please, please, put me back on the campaign.
I have nothing.
The melon thing was like eons ago.
Please? All right, maybe there is something I can do.
Liar! Liar! Liar! Come on, man, you're making a scene.
Liar! Liar! All right, you want to be like this? Today I learned the power of role-play.
This is what you look like.
- Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! Liar! Yes, but can you give us a hint of what the piece looks like? Well, I would tell you what it won't look like, a bust of Dan.
Yeah, about the piece, we're going to need a little more time, because, you know, we just don't want to do something ordinary.
- Like-like a bust of Dan or-- - Yeah, so.
I love it! MIKE: Liar! - Hu.
Performance artists in the corner.
- Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! Liar! Oh, yeah, they're fantastic, aren't they? Yeah, see, that's why we'll need a little more time, because they'll be-- Painted blue and-- Rolling around in feathers.
And you can have this up and running in a month? Uh-huh.
MIKE: Liar! Liar! I hate you, man.
Just do it.
Are we doing this thing or not? (Sighing) (Machine chiming) - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! So we just launched the big anti-gambling campaign.
Oh, they're keeping you in on that? That's great.
Yeah, it was touch and go with Barbara at first, but she put me at the centre of the campaign.
Wow, congratulations.
Thanks.
Did some naked modelling in college.
Ah, I guess that's one way to make some money.
That's funny.
I paid them.
Oh.
Well, tell me this.
Why isn't Wessex on the art trail? I would tell you if I knew what that was.
It's this tourism thing where people drive from town to town and look at art.
Every town around here is on it except us.
And if every other town fell off a lucrative tourism bridge and landed in a pile of cash, I suppose you'd want to do that too.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, where'd you hear about this art thing? I read about it.
I read a lot of those artsy publications.
Art trail? I want to get Wessex on this art trail.
Okay.
Seriously, though, you--? You modelled naked in college? Yeah, all the time.
They used to call me the Wrinkly-- Please don't finish that sentence.
No, that's it.
They just called me the Wrinkly.
Oh.
Your résumé is very impressive, Claire.
Has a real impact.
Thank you, Barbara.
I used the Impact font.
Oh.
Now, the reason we're hiring someone new is that our current anti-gambling campaign isn't working.
"Why stop now?" Yeah, on the back we list reasons why you should stop.
But, you know, nobody ever turns it over so-- Anyway, this is gone, and we're looking for someone else.
Why should that be you? Well, we at Kendall and Associates-- Are small.
Going with your firm might be too much of a gamble.
- Well, um-- - I mean, why should I blow on my fist and roll the die for you? We will work twice as hard as anyone else out there.
I don't know, Claire.
I don't want to take a penny between my thumb and forefinger and scratch away the latex, only to reveal a box saying, "Play again" if you know what I mean.
You know melons? I did the campaign for those.
Oh, didn't know they had one.
But you are aware of melons.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm not going to make any promises, but I'm going to let you come in and pitch to me.
Oh, thank you! I feel like I hit the jackpot! Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Yeah, Claire, that's kind of inappropriate.
Wow, Claire must really want this job.
She's smiling and nodding more than usual.
(Laughing) What gives? Anti-gambling account.
Something to do with video lottery terminals.
Oh, those things ruin lives.
Really? I shoot you not.
People mortgage their homes for their habits.
- So are VLTs like legal? - Yup.
- And they make a lot of money? - Yup.
- And they ruin people's lives? - Yeah.
- We got to have one.
- No! I did not get into the business of selling alcohol to people to ruin lives.
Good for you, taking a stand.
Who wants to make a hundred grand a year on people's misery? - A hundred grand? - A honey G.
Fine, if it will make you happy and get you off my back, we'll get one.
So did you find someone to do your art thingy? I think so, yeah.
I read about him in one of my arty periodicals.
Ah, sculptor.
His name is Lenny-Man.
He's a sculptor.
Lenny-Man? What kind of name is that? It's a hyphenated name, like Spider-Man.
I didn't know that artist either.
No, look, I want to meet with Lenny-Man.
And I want to meet with the guy that runs the art trail.
Okay, done.
Any chance you'll need me to do some nude modelling? - No.
- Too bad.
Those were the best days of my life.
You really liked that art class, huh? Art class? No, that was engineering.
Yeah.
Karen, I'm going to work from home.
I need you to forward all my calls.
Adorable.
I love how you used the plural.
I am working up a pitch for a major account.
Oh.
Ooh, big pitch, huh? - Batter up.
- Yeah, gambling awareness.
I'm a little nervous.
Okay, well, here's a little sales tip, man to man.
When you pitch a client, make it appear like you've got common ground, that you share a connection.
What kind of connection? A connected one.
Like when I pitch a contract to a bike company, I pretend that I do biathlons, and I wear a pair of bike shorts.
- Okay.
- Okay.
When I pitch a contract to cowboys from Alberta (Western accent): I talk with a drawl and I wear-- - A cowboy hat? - No, ass-less chaps.
I'm not sure about this.
Feels sort of unethical.
Do you think one's going to be enough? Oh, one's plenty.
I put it by the window to lure in all the weak and addictive personalities.
Come on, Fern.
You think that really works? Hey, guys, I saw the VL machine from the window.
That's so cool! But wrong.
But cool.
Glenbridge, Belleville, oh, Hamilton.
It's impressive.
Yes, I've done pieces in all of North America's major hamlets.
How many of those were nudes? Who is this guy? He's the mayor.
No, you.
Who are you? Oh, oh, I'm the chief of staff, Alan Duffy.
Oh, you'll be the lackey that will be setting up my studio space.
That's me.
I like this guy.
Seriously, though, how many were nudes? We're in a bit of a time crunch.
You think you'd be able to finish your sculpture in two weeks? - Yes.
- Good, you're hired.
When do we start? Shouldn't we ask him a few more questions, like-- Oh, I don't know-- What his rate is? I don't like to talk numbers.
Oh, I can appreciate that.
Fifty grand.
Wow, that's-- That's a lot of-- Deal! Just because he says, "Deal!" doesn't mean we necessarily-- Do you want to get on the nude-art trail or not? If it helps, I have access to a tanning bed.
Yeah.
Damn it.
Ooh, gambling's got you a little testy.
Not doing too well with the kings and queens? The screen keeps cutting out.
Oh, yeah, likely story.
Hey, you know computers.
Any chance you could take a look? Sure, buddy.
Anything to get you away from this thing.
Thanks, pal.
Hm.
(Machine chiming) Soft.
Sexy.
My name is Mike.
And that is why you should, um, hire Kendall and Associates.
Sorry, Claire.
I think we're going to have to go in another direction.
Another direction? What direction? Oh, it's a euphemism for "we're not hiring you.
" Wait, there's something I forgot to mention.
We have something in common, a connection.
A connection? Yes, we are connected, and our connection is-- I'm a problem gambler.
Yeah, I don't know how that-- Sorry, I-- I meant a recovering problem gambler, fully recovered.
A fully-recovered problem gambler.
You know, it took a lot of guts for you to come in here with this.
(Sighing) Speaking about addiction is never easy.
No, I meant this.
It's pretty weak.
But to your credit, you've been there.
You gambled and lost, and came out the other side, so I'm going to put my money on big loser to win.
And am I big loser? - Yes.
- Yes! Shall we go for a drink to celebrate? Sure, I'm not a recovering alcoholic or anything, unless you want me to be.
DAN: Nice place.
Looks expensive.
Well, he's an artist and he needs his ambiance.
You know, it's been a week.
I haven't heard anything yet.
That's because I'm getting it done.
Oh, can I have a peek? I mean-- Don't worry.
I won't judge.
Anything goes.
There's nothing here.
You said, "Anything goes.
" Yeah, anything, not nothing.
I didn't say, "Nothing goes.
" Yeah, well, inspiration hasn't hit.
Well, inspiration needs to hit.
I think I can help.
All right, let's get her done.
Oh, man, you're just wearing socks! I know.
I'm kind of embarrassed by my toes.
(Sighing) Hey, sorry I'm late.
Alan had to show me something.
Can I get a Scotch? It's 11:00 a.
m.
Yeah, I know.
I hope you don't mind.
My client's meeting us.
I wanted to run a few ideas past her.
Oh, there she is.
Don't act surprised if I mention my gambling problem.
What gambling problem? I faked a problem to land the job.
Oh, Claire! Hi, Barbara.
Hi.
This is my partner, Dan Phillips.
Oh, of course.
I know about you.
Oh, Claire's probably told you I've been her crutch through this terrible gambling addiction.
No, because you're the mayor.
Right, mayor by day, crutch by night.
He's been very supportive.
Yeah, she's come a long way since her days of lying and deceit and pulling other people into her world of lying and deceit.
(Machine chiming) Hey, buddy.
(Grunting) You almost finished? You've been fixing that thing for a week.
(Grunting) Wow, you are really intent on your work.
Shut up! You're jinxing me from fixing this machine.
Sorry.
Just want to say I think you're doing a really great job fixing the machine.
I'm fixing it.
Sure, sure.
Can I get you anything? Drink on the house? Some finger food so you can keep one hand free for fixing? Sure, for fixing.
(Machine chiming) Yes! Great, now I got to fix the bell noise! Is it okay that we're meeting here? I wouldn't want the VL to trigger an episode.
Oh, it's okay.
I asked Jeff to put me on a VLT no-play list.
No-play list? Why? I'm a-- I'm a reformed gambler.
Kicked the habit a couple of years ago, right, Dan? It's been hard.
I still find playing cards hidden in secret stashes around the house.
I've blacked most of it out, so if you need specifics, I can't tell you.
Wow, well, don't worry, Claire.
As soon as our machine gets fixed, you'll be the first to not play it.
(Machine chiming) Ugh! Still broken.
I'm sorry.
This isn't working out.
We're going to need that deposit back.
Deposit? Oh, no, no, no, there's no deposit.
Oh, good.
No, we paid up front.
- Ugh! - Oh, don't worry.
This is how it always goes.
First people hire me.
Then they try to fire me.
Then they find out they can't.
Then, if there's time left, I do art.
Fine, but you got to get something done on time.
Then no further interruptions! From now on, I'm only dealing with the sycophant.
- That's me.
- Alan, I want you to tell the tiny mayor that I want no further interruptions! Lenny-Man says he wants no further interruptions.
I heard him.
He also said you were tiny.
You know, could we go back to the "try to fire him" part? Five dollars on girl for the 11th.
Gotcha.
What's going on? Oh, baby pool for Sheila.
Cool, put me down for five on boy.
Sorry, we're not taking any more bets.
Fifty on caesarean.
Oh, thank you, Sheila.
I thought you weren't taking any more bets.
From you.
I heard about your gambling habit.
- Oh.
- Mm-hm.
(All laughing) Oh, what's going on in there? That's the baby shower.
Maybe I'll drop in for a slice of cake! Oh, you probably shouldn't, because the cake was paid for by the baby pool.
And also, there's going to be a draw later, so you-- You know what? I don't care about your baby pool or your baby shower.
I was just betting five bucks to be polite.
And because you're a problem gambler.
Yeah, go ahead.
Go to preggy's stupid baby shower.
Look stupid in there.
And PS, I bet she is going to have the lamest baby ever.
There you go betting again.
Ooh! Hey, you're back.
Whoo, and I am drained.
Being an artist's assistant is hard work.
So how's the piece coming along? Great.
Ever since you stopped pestering us, Lenny's been getting a lot of work done.
Oh, so you're on the first half of the hyphenated name basis with him now, are you? Yeah, totally.
Anyway, the piece looks great.
It's going to make you look real good.
So, you know, what's it look like? Give me details.
I can't say.
Talking about it diffuses the energy.
What energy? The energy, the energy.
- Oh, yeah, the energy.
- You wouldn't get it.
Oh, and by the way, sorry about what happened in the studio before.
Oh, it's okay.
No, it's unprofessional.
I should not have kept my socks on.
(Machine beeping) (Machine chiming) Hey, Mike.
I see you're blowing off Sheila's baby shower too.
Like, who wants to eat cake with a stupid pregnant woman anyway? I mean, she'll probably eat most of it by herself.
Rah, rah, rah, rah! Okay, I got to use the john.
Save my seat until I get back.
Um, sure.
Don't let anyone sit here.
- Okay.
- Anyone.
Gotcha.
Machine is hot.
- It's about to pay the Fairy Man.
- The Fairy Man? Just hold the seat.
(Machine chiming) (Gasping) Claire, you shouldn't be-- I didn't! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! Barbara? Claire, what the--? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
I'm not-- No, no, it's not what you think.
It's not what you think.
It's not what you-- It's not what you think.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
(Machine ringing) Dan? There's something you should see in the studio.
Hello.
Is it me you were looking for? Go, check it out.
Oh, it's me! Great, isn't it? I guided his hands.
You told me he was doing something that would make me look good.
You do look good.
What's the problem? I finished on time! I want a new piece! The art-trail guy is coming today.
Screw the art-trail guy! - I already did.
- Ooh, boom goes the dynamite.
I don't have to put up with this.
My work has been featured on public-access television on three continents! I am one of the foremost face painters in the children's festival circuit and I am artist-in-residence at Leswig's Fairmount Mall! When you look back on this time, and you only only see one set of footprints, you will know it was then that Lenny-Man carried you! Great, now what? Why are you asking me? Have I ever been helpful? Thanks for giving me a chance to explain what you saw at Fern's.
I appreciate you taking the time.
No problem at all.
I've cleared the entire afternoon.
This is an intervention.
I-- I really don't think I need this.
When's the part when we get to tell Claire how much she's hurt us? It's the only reason I'm here.
I took the afternoon off work for it.
How did I hurt you? You called my baby lame! I didn't say it was lame.
I said it was going to be lame.
Okay, now, let's do a little role-playing.
Who would like to be Claire? Oh, please let me be stupid Claire.
Jeff, you have been quiet.
Show us how Claire hurt you, and wear this wig.
Oh, Dan, may I introduce the chair of the art trail? Gregory, Gregory Chair.
Oh, great.
Um, I'm sorry to do this.
We're going to have to reschedule.
That's disappointing.
And I have a reporter from inFlight Magazine with me.
InFlight Magazine? Seriously? Yes, what a shame.
She was going to do a huge spread on the Wessex art scene.
Oh, one of those articles with the English on one side and the French on the other? Yes, that's right.
And it was going to be in the best spot too, right between the cologne ads and famous Canadians' birthdays.
You know what? Let's have lunch to talk this through, yeah? Huh? I've always wanted to see my name in French.
(Machine beeping) Oh, you look rough.
I've just been through a horrible experience.
They made me wear a wig, and they wouldn't let me take it off until I cried.
Claire is addicted to gambling because of that stupid machine! I'm starting to think maybe Mike is hooked.
Triple cherries! Triple seven! I'm addicted to gambling! (Sighing) It all seems so obvious now.
No, don't do it.
Reconsider.
No, this thing has cost enough wigs and crime.
(Gasping) What did you do? I was about to make some serious progress in fixing it.
We're getting rid of it for your own good.
If this VLT goes, I never will.
I'm staying here in protest.
You're an addict.
Liar! Say that all you want.
Liar, liar.
- I'm not listening.
- Liar! Liar! You want me to keep your tab open? Liar! Liar! Liar! Thanks for the intervention.
Mm, I know it can be painful.
Yeah, especially the part where we played the trust exercise, and no one caught me.
Well, goodbye.
Oh, by the way, I'm going to have to pull you from the account.
What? For your own good.
The stress has obviously triggered your addiction.
But the intervention fixed me.
I won't gamble again.
That's what they all say.
I need this account.
You need the account? Or you need the thrill of the account? Yeah.
It was all BS, okay? I'm not a gambler.
I never was a gambler.
I lied because I wanted the job.
Denial, the classic sign.
Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine, I am a gambler.
I am a terrible gambler, but I won't do it again.
Bargaining, another sign.
Look, I'm begging you.
Yeah, begging is not one of the signs, Claire.
Please, please, please, put me back on the campaign.
I have nothing.
The melon thing was like eons ago.
Please? All right, maybe there is something I can do.
Liar! Liar! Liar! Come on, man, you're making a scene.
Liar! Liar! All right, you want to be like this? Today I learned the power of role-play.
This is what you look like.
- Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! Liar! Yes, but can you give us a hint of what the piece looks like? Well, I would tell you what it won't look like, a bust of Dan.
Yeah, about the piece, we're going to need a little more time, because, you know, we just don't want to do something ordinary.
- Like-like a bust of Dan or-- - Yeah, so.
I love it! MIKE: Liar! - Hu.
Performance artists in the corner.
- Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! Liar! Oh, yeah, they're fantastic, aren't they? Yeah, see, that's why we'll need a little more time, because they'll be-- Painted blue and-- Rolling around in feathers.
And you can have this up and running in a month? Uh-huh.
MIKE: Liar! Liar! I hate you, man.
Just do it.
Are we doing this thing or not? (Sighing) (Machine chiming) - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! - Liar! So we just launched the big anti-gambling campaign.
Oh, they're keeping you in on that? That's great.
Yeah, it was touch and go with Barbara at first, but she put me at the centre of the campaign.
Wow, congratulations.
Thanks.