Difficult People (2015) s02e07 Episode Script
Carter
1 - JULIE: Tourists! - BILLY: Come to our show.
- JULIE: Hey, tourists! - BILLY: No need to wait in line for Broadway show tickets.
New show "Swiftical," the musical.
We want to see "Hamilton.
" But itâs the New York Fringe Festival.
Come on.
Taylor Swift.
Itâs tomorrow night.
Oh, we want to see "Hamilton," though.
Well, Lin-Manuel Miranda endorsed our show.
His quote is right there on the flyer.
Who is Lin-Manuel Miranda? We want to see "Hamilton.
" Ugh.
These mutants.
Iâll go get us some Bubba Gump.
Whereâd you get that Lin-Manuel quote? - I made it up.
- Brilliant.
Hey, you look like you were homeschooled.
Come see our show.
Itâs about your hero, Taylor Swift.
Yeah, and itâs also about "Hamilton.
" Do you think this is the closest these people have ever been to an actual Jew before? Probably the closest is ordering a cinnamon-raisin bagel at Einstein Brothers.
Oh, my God, that chain.
Do you think they did a focus group and they were like, "Okay, which Jew do you hate least?" And people were like, âI donât know.
Albert Einstein.
â Yeah, well, whatâs the one other national bagel brand people know? Lenders.
I know.
Exactly.
Because Money-Lending, Hook-nosed, Sneaky, Showbusiness Rat Jew Bagels was too long of a name to fit on the bag.
Hey! You guys like comedy? Well, we used to.
Yeah.
Now we do it.
(DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC) I tried to get us reservations at Le Cirque, but this place is way more expensive.
Remember on Real Housewives when Aviva Drescher threw her leg at Le Cirque? I wonder if they got to keep that leg.
What if itâs attached to their restroom key? "Mom, this is very generous of you.
" Mom, this is very generous of you to take us out to lunch to celebrate our big play opening tomorrow night.
Play? Thatâs not ringing any bells.
No.
I invited you here because I have very good news.
Savannah Guthrie finally found an eye shadow that flatters her? You know, I never knew it was possible for a woman to clash with their own eyelids.
I have been tapped by Bravo to be an in-house psych consultant when they audition reality show cast members! - What? - They bring me women; I interview them; and then I give them my professional opinion whether they would have a nervous breakdown and whether that breakdown would be compelling television.
Who do you know at Bravo? And can they please explain "The Peopleâs Couch"? A very sweet therapist friend of mine was up for the job and she wanted me to write a recommendation, but instead I submitted myself.
So you Gwyneth Paltrowâd the job right from under her nose? So I am going to help cast the new "Real Housewives of New York City.
" Well, Mom, maybe I should give you a heads-up about the kind of women who are stars on that network.
Why? Because I canât do my own job? No.
Itâs because you havenât watched those shows and I have more experience.
Honestly, Julie, when did my good news become all about you? Moments after my theater debut became about your new television job.
I am very good at diagnosing people quickly.
Yes.
I am too.
As soon as I saw Paula Abdul dancing around with that cartoon cat, I knew that woman would have a problem with pills.
(LAUGHS) Thanks again for forcing Billy to cast me in his Taylor Swift musical, Mommy.
Muah.
Casting you was common sense.
Youâre a god damn star.
Besides, I told him that if he didnât cast you, - he couldnât have the night off.
- (CHUCKLES) Who knows? Maybe itâll be a big hit like "Hamilton.
" You mean the play I wrote? God damn it.
Not again.
No, no, no.
Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote "Hamilton.
" Bullshit.
Lin and I went to the same elementary school in Inwood.
In the fourth grade, I presented a book report on Alexander Hamilton, and it rhymed.
Thatâs when Lin got the idea.
Now heâs onstage every night, and that couldâve been me getting the MacArthur Genius Grant for making hip-hop accessible to Ben Brantley.
Oh, Iâm so sorry that instead youâre a successful business owner with a gorgeous wife.
This guy.
Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen? Is there some sort of sex party the trans waitress wasnât invited to? - Take two.
- Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen? If Alec Baldwin is coming in here, I refuse to serve his problematic ass.
- (TOGETHER) Bring it on.
- Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen? If CeeLo Green is coming in here, I have not forgotten his tweets about rape.
- Brava.
- We feel good about that one? Restaurant week starts off tomorrow.
Weâve got 400 customers coming in a single day.
Oh, the meat just came.
Tonight the vegetables come, and weâll be good to go.
Ugh.
We better be.
Restaurant Week is our only chance to undo the damage done by that evil Zagats.
So you donât want me to come in? Is that it? Iâm the secret shame? Iâm just supposed to hide out of sight? Girl, youâre not getting the night off.
Fuck! Got 400 people coming through.
Denise, mama, Iâm gonna tell you the same thing I told Tommy Tune and those seven chorus boys: itâs physically impossible to fit all those people in here.
But it sure would be fun to try.
BOTH: (LAUGH) Candidate number 23.
When do I get to meet Andy Cohen? Please focus, Marilyn.
Would Melissa make a good housewife? You know, itâs funny.
Melissa she said something to me that reminded me of my wedding.
It was 1969.
I was a knockout.
Stay on topic, Marilyn.
Is Melissa stable enough to be on a reality show? Well, stability is subjective.
A couple of years ago, I thought that stevia was the right sweetener for me.
My A1C had come back Moving on.
Olivia.
We worry that Olivia may too normal for the show, but fans do like strong, confident women.
Let me stop you right there.
Strength and confidence are two different things.
Let me explain why I have both.
Marilyn, weâve reviewed 25 of the candidates At $1, 000 a pop.
And itâs clear that evaluating others may not be the best job for you.
Well, fuck you, too, and Iâve already invoiced you.
But I think I may have another job for someone as self-inclined as you.
Go on.
Baby, you were so right about moving the tables.
Yeah.
Iâm always so right.
Yeah, but sometimes youâre so wrong.
Come on.
Just call the vegetable people.
They shouldâve been here hours ago.
You know, youâre even cute when youâre worried about the vegetables coming on time.
All right, well, why donât I hit you with my car, youâll become a vegetable, and then Iâll pull the plug? Oh, you gonna pull my plug? Is that what youâre gonna do? - You gonna pull my plug, huh? - Why are you so nasty? Please, come and pull my No, this is not an obscene phone call.
Iâm sorry.
This is Nate from Dâs.
What time are my vegetables coming? JULIE: Why canât our owner just leave us at home? Weâre cats.
We hate traveling.
I know.
Of all the people in the world who could have adopted us, why that bitch Taylor Swift? And then we sing the "Let Me Shit Alone In A Box" song.
Okay.
Do you want to go from the top? Yep.
Sounds good.
Oh, my God.
Billy.
Weâre almost sold out.
What? Weâve never sold out one of our shows.
Weâve never even sold out like half of one of our shows.
And all we did was quote the guy who wrote "Hamilton" on the flyer I mean, success by association.
BILLY: You know, when we decided to do that, I was a little worried, but now I know we were doing the right thing.
Excuse me.
Iâm sorry.
Are you Billy Epstein and Julie Kessler? Aw! A fan.
Whatâs your name, little buddy? Oh, hold on.
Let me guess.
Itâs Bryce.
Are you gay, Bryce? What can we sign for you? Itâs from Shake It Off, Incorporated.
Youâve been served.
Itâs a cease and desist from Taylor Swift, herself.
- What? - Billy! I think you may be better for the show if you were on it.
The truck just hit a damn costume shop on 72nd Street.
The vegetables are not coming.
How would you feel about being Countess LuAnnâs new shrink? We canât do "Swiftical"! - BOTH: Fuck! - Terrific! (UPBEAT MUSIC) Well, if the showâs off, Iâm gonna fire Matthew.
Thatâs the only upside to this.
(LINE TRILLS) - MATTHEW: Hey.
- Hey, Matthew.
MATTHEW: What? Yeah, hey, the showâs canceled, so youâre fired.
- MATTHEW: (SCREAMING) - Okay.
The only thing more depressing than having a Fringe Festival show is having to cancel a Fringe Festival show.
Yeah.
Itâs kind of flattering that we were even on her radar - enough for us to get sued.
- Fucking Taylor Swift.
Oh, hey, look.
Itâs the two losers from "The Moth" last year.
- Who the fuck are you? - Andrea Mumford.
Really? I remember the two generic white Jews on stage making pop culture references in lieu of jokes, and you have no recall of a girl in a wheelchair doing spoken word poetry about her rapist uncle for 45 minutes? Listen, lady.
We meet a lot of people.
- Okay.
- What are you even doing here? Oh, I have to ask the Fringe organizers to move my show to a bigger venue.
We keep adding dates, but they keep selling out.
Of course you have a Fringe show.
Yeah, Iâm doing a one-woman version of "Snowpiercer" where I play all the roles, including the train.
Iâve already gotten seven Obies, and itâs not even in previews.
- "Ooh, Iâm a train.
" - "Iâm a train.
Choo-choo-choo.
" - Fuck you.
- Fuck you too.
You know what? Let me guess.
You two dipshits have a show, too, but nobodyâs seeing it, so youâre here to ask for your deposit back.
The jokeâs on you, Andrea.
They donât give you your deposit back.
And as a matter of fact, weâre just here on a victory lap because our show just sold out in such record time.
Pretty important show, too, you know.
Not, like, a train thing, you know.
- No.
- Itâs like kind of picks up where "Hamilton" left off.
Really? "Hamilton"? How is your show anything like "Hamilton"? Our showâs exactly like "Hamilton.
" - Mm-hm.
- For starters, itâs about another president.
Well, Hamilton was never a president.
Yeah, and like Hamilton, itâs a president that people donât really write about a lot, so our take on him is pretty unique.
Iâm gonna tell you one more time: Hamilton was never president.
Yeah.
Nothing wrong with another musical about presidents.
- Andrea, how are you? - Hi, Raul.
- Good to see you.
- Thank you.
You too.
You know, Billy and Julie here were just telling me how fast their show sold out.
"Swiftical"? Really? Your important "Hamilton" show is called "Swiftical"? - No.
Itâs called "Carter.
" - Mm-hm.
âCause itâs about Jimmy Carter.
- Mm-hm.
- Heard of him? Yeah, and we were just coming here to ask Raul if we could change the title.
Yeah.
Weâre changing it to "Carter.
" "Swiftical" is now "Carter.
" Oh, great.
Well, how much like "Hamilton" is it? - Is there rapping in it? - Yes.
- Is there hip-hop dancing? - Oh, yeah.
Well, then, I certainly hope that I can get a ticket, âcause Iâll be there.
- I certainly hope you will.
- Oh, I certainly will.
Great.
Yeah.
See if you can get a ticket.
- Probably canât, though.
- Oh, donât worry.
- MATTHEW: What? - Hey, Matthew.
Itâs Billy.
The showâs back on.
Youâre re-hired.
- MATTHEW: (SCREAMING) - Oh, God.
Fucking Andrea Mumford.
Why did we lie to her? I donât know, but we did, and now we have a show tomorrow, and we donât have a single idea.
You could always change the subject matter but keep the material.
Arthur, itâs very sweet of you to help, but please leave the art to the artists, and the farts to the fartists.
Okay, hear me out.
What if we change the subject matter, - but we keep the material? - Thatâs what I just said.
Are you suggesting that we Weird Al our own musical? Change the lyrics but leave the melodies intact? Without ever once brushing out our natural curls? Yes! Oh, my God.
Thatâs brilliant.
So all we have to do is change the Taylor Swift specifics to Jimmy Carter specifics, and weâre home free.
Yeah.
Weâll replace John Mayer with Yasser Arafat.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC) Throughout his second term, he, Roz and Amy Ate their chicken fried He pissed Israelis off He called their policies apartheid BOTH: Carter, you did a lot of things I guess Carter Your second wife was Sharon Gless Autosave.
The new script is very creative, but Iâm not comfortable being credited as historical advisor.
But itâs sweet that I included you.
Yes, but there are things in here that are not accurate.
- Like what? - Well, at no point did Jimmy Carter weigh in on Suzanne Somersâ salary dispute with the producers of "Threeâs Company.
" And it took me a long time to figure out who you were confusing Rosalynn Carter with, but itâs Emmylou Harris.
Oh, shit.
We need to get the "Carter" flyers printed.
Are there any Kinkoâs left in New York City? I think thereâs one.
But you have to go on the deep web to find it.
Donât just stand there, dear.
Cook us breakfast, and then find it.
And just because Jimmy Carter is from Georgia does not mean he knew NeNe Leakes.
- Arthur! - Why canât you support me? - MARILYN: Julie! - JULIE: Mom.
Hi.
Wow, this is where youâre doing your show? Itâs like the cellar from "Silence of the Lambs," but you havenât lost weight yet.
What do you want, Mom? Iâm busy.
Bravo has asked me to be on camera as Countess LuAnnâs therapist! - What? - They were looking for someone who felt the benefits of television exposure outweighed the slippery slope of patient confidentiality.
Et voilà ! All right.
I got a lot of work to do.
Congrats.
Iâll talk to you later.
Well, wait.
You watch that show.
You mentioned before that you might have some advice.
Nope.
Nothing.
No advice.
Just be yourself, away from me.
Why are you sulking? I guess Iâm just processing the fact that my mom is gonna be on TV before I am, and that my first exposure to audiences will be as a reality starâs daughter.
- Did you say star? - All right.
You know what, Mom? My Jimmy Carter musical is in less than 11 hours, and I need to rehearse, so Carter? I hope you have a song about how much Israeli blood is on his hands from his negotiations with Hamas.
Donât you pitch me ideas that you clearly lifted from "Kiss Me Kate.
" So these were all just lying in the street, covered in glitter? Yes.
A truck crashed into that costume store on 72nd Street The one near the last remaining Kinkoâs in New York City.
I took everything era-specific I could find.
That is insane.
Although, I have to say I kind of wish there was a way we could use some of the Taylor Swift stuff, you know? Like, that cow costume is amazing - for the Tennessee hoedown.
- Youâre right.
There has to be a way we can use it.
Yeah, and we have to use those fucking kitten costumes too.
And I mean, we got to use Mr.
Pea Donât even say the name.
I donât want to risk getting sued again.
But, yes, we have to make Matthew wear this.
Weâll just call him something else.
Oh, and the flyers came out great too.
Look at these.
And it turns out Lin-Manuel Miranda - loves this show too.
- Ooh, let me see.
Here.
We have to make Matthew give those out.
Okay, but you know I can only be outside for about five minutes at a time.
Iâm very sensitive to low temperatures.
As you know, my body fat levels are virtually Chenowethian.
- Fuck you, Matthew.
- Yeah.
What are you two amateurs doing? We have less than four hours until the show starts, and we havenât even run Amy Carterâs dream ballet.
Speaking of dreams, Matthew, I hope one day yours are crushed.
The only thing thatâs getting crushed of mine is whatever Mr.
Sondheim wants when Iâm finally invited to his alleged sex dungeon.
- What a gorgeous view, LuAnn.
- Yeah.
Right? Thatâs what you get when you live in a penthouse.
Good morning, everyone.
Countess, how are you? - Morning.
- Marilyn, Iâm Allison.
Cheryl, who you met at Bravo - she had a nervous breakdown.
- Oh! And because she was in Thailand when it happened, their euthanasia laws long story short, sheâs probably dead.
- Oh.
- But, silver lining, Iâm producing your segment now.
All right.
Well, okay.
Well, Iâve never counseled a patient in her own home before.
Oh, just treat it like a normal therapy session.
Yeah, like a normal, well-lit therapy session with cameras and a Countess.
All right, well, so far itâs fun.
All right.
Good.
Letâs go.
When do we start? Oh, weâve been recording since you got here.
You didnât get me yelling at her housekeeper, did you? Hereâs why you donât need her side of the story Can we talk about my fight with Sonja, please? Of course.
Which camera do I look at? Now, see, hereâs where my daughter Julie could help me.
- Do you have a daughter? - I do.
You do? Do you get along? We get along great.
Sheâs amazing.
Oh, you are so lucky.
Honestly, all I do is fight with my daughter.
I donât know what it is.
I do everything I can.
Thereâs always friction.
I think sheâs jealous of me.
Thatâs too bad, but can we get back to my therapy session, please? Yes, of course.
Go ahead.
So I tell Sonja Iâm writing another book, and she totally checks out on me.
Well, of course Iâd need to know a little bit more, LuAnn, but off the top, Iâd say that youâre dancing around the real conflict.
I am not.
Although, Iâm an excellent dancer.
- Well, so am I.
- No, Iâm a really good dancer.
Yeah, well, Iâve won championships.
Anyway, why is Sonja upset that youâre writing a book? Maybe because itâs a toaster oven cookbook, and her whole thing is cooking with a toaster oven? Well, I donât think sheâs jealous of you.
I think she feels that youâre trying to one-up her in her realm just like I did with Julie.
You know, I have a very good idea that I think will help you and Sonja.
There is a play that I think is important for all of us to see.
Well, if itâs "Kinky Boots," Iâve seen it 11 times.
Cyndi keeps asking me for notes.
I mean, at this point, you have to say, "Whatâs done is done.
" Holy shit.
Weâve got a full house.
- Shit.
Shit.
- Okay.
We can do this.
"Now weâre just gonna put on our wigs and play make-believe," just as John Travolta and Kelly Preston say to each other every morning.
Places.
Thank you.
Places.
Yes.
But first we pray.
Our Father, Guido Sarducci, who art in Don Novello, thank you for this audience.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
(TOGETHER) Carter! You know, I know we donât get along, but I really love you guys.
(BANJO MUSIC) Howdy.
Iâm Professor Cashews.
Iâm here to tell you a story about a peanut farmer who became president.
Oh! Mind if I put these kitten skins down and sit a spell? (AUDIENCE MUTTERING) MAN: Oh, jeez.
Unbelievable.
- Now, let me see.
- WOMAN: That was the worst.
MATTHEW: Our story starts at a humanity habitat being built for poors.
Make sure you get a lot of footage of my daughter, right there.
Mind you donât hurt your thumb, Gloria Steinem.
You might break a nail.
Try to be as inconspicuous as possible.
JULIE: You know what, Jimmy Carter? You can go fuck yourself.
(AUDIENCE SHUSHING) - Weâre invisible.
- MAN: Be quiet.
MARILYN: Weâre invisible.
I am not sitting with Sonja.
I am not.
Just sit in there.
Itâs all right.
- Iâm not sitting next to her! - Iâll sit between you.
Fair-weather bitch.
I was a peanut farmer I was a Southern charmer Makinâ Palestine my Valentine Like Greg meetinâ Dharma Sonja.
Sonja.
Come on.
Just be cool.
- Oh, like, donât be uncool? - All right? Just be cool.
- Sonja, please.
- Can it, Countess.
- Oh, my God.
- I hate her.
- I hate you.
- All right, Countess, please.
Shit.
Matthewâs show started half an hour ago, and weâre still chopping vegetables.
Not our fault.
The veggie truck didnât come.
We need to prep.
We have priorities.
Yeah, but are they the right priorities? You know, we have a family restaurant, but no family if we donât leave this place to someone, theyâll turn it into a Chase bank or a CVS or condos that only Russian sex traffickers can afford.
So what are you saying? Iâm saying that What, baby? I think we should adopt a baby.
Are you serious? Because you hate kids.
Only âcause Iâm not related to them.
- Okay, what about Matthew? - Matthewâs grown.
Heâs getting married.
He doesnât even need me anymore.
Sunrise, sunset.
Hey, listen.
Iâve been suggesting we have kids ever since I went to that "Yo Gabba Gabba" concert by myself and was detained by security.
Letâs go to Connecticut.
Weâll adopt a white baby.
Weâll be like the reverse of those celebrities that go to Africa.
Or Sandra Bullock.
Remember? She got a Katrina baby from New Orleans - after that Nazi cheated on her.
- Mm-hmm.
Fuck Restaurant Week.
Fuck these vegetables.
Baby, I feel so good about this.
- Me too.
Really good.
- Yeah.
Iâm Ronald Reagan.
And this is a song about my legacy.
Put that away.
Put it away.
I I ignored AIDS, I ignored AIDS I donât understand what this play has to do with Carter.
Or us.
Or anything.
I ignored AIDS AIDS This is just a waste of our time.
(OVERLAPPING WHISPERS) MAN: Shut up! Letâs go to the tanning salon in Chelsea.
At least there people recognize us sorry.
What were we even fighting about? - I donât know.
- Stay.
Keep shooting.
(GENTLE ROCK MUSIC) Gene Simmons, David Bowie At your service to show A lot of stuff about a president you hardly even know The â70s were crazy, I got a ton of poon I drink Liz Taylorâs lady juice Right out of a coke spoon Carter beat Gerald Ford And gave the White House solar panels Gave us ten new HBO channels Skateboarded with Andrew Rannells Why does this Southern Baptist matter? Whatâs he teaching us sluts? That ignoring Carterâs legacy is totally nuts ALL: Carter, you are a martyr And you were smarter than other Carters Like Aaron, Nick, Beyonce, Nell, Lynda, Dixie, Graydon Well Carter, now we know about you (SCATTERED CLAPS) MAN: Whoo.
I donât think they got it.
Yeah, well, if they stayed, they would have.
(SIGHS) Iâm gonna go get the AIDS cow.
Okay.
- DENISE: There he is.
- (GASPS) - Thereâs my big star.
- Mama De-neesy Nash, you made it.
Of course.
And I have wonderful news.
Come on.
Sit.
Nate and I have decided to adopt a baby, and youâre gonna be a big brother.
No! (SOBBING) He took it much better than I thought.
Yeah.
(SOBBING) Oh.
Julie.
I came to your show.
I brought cameras.
- I noticed.
- Because you should be on TV.
Not me.
Well, Marilyn, you did the impossible.
LuAnn and Sonja are no longer fighting.
I told you I knew what I was doing.
The LuAnn/Sonja conflict was supposed to be the arc of this whole season.
Remind me what arc means in your world and who LuAnn is.
Now I got to start shit with Bethenny.
Marilyn, youâre fired.
I should have given you advice when you asked for it.
Yeah, youâre always selfish that way.
You want to grab a couple of AIDSyâs hooves? LIN-MANUEL: Hello? Who said I said this show was better than mine? Lin-Manuel Miranda? Yeah, I know who I am.
Who the fuck are you? Iâm Billy.
Hey, can Julie and I have tickets to "Hamilton"? - No.
- Well, well, well.
If it isnât Lin-Man-well, well, well.
You steal any fourth-grade book reports lately? Nate.
Fuck, dude.
Iâm sorry.
Thank you.
I just wanted an apology.
- (SIGHS) - Enjoy your Tonys.
Oh, I do.
Sometimes I pretend oneâs a boy Tony and oneâs a girl Tony, and I make them kiss.
Not that two boy Tonys canât kiss.
I donât know why I said that.
Thatâs very heteronormative.
Itâs just Iâve already named THEM: Roger and Desiree.
Anyway, itâs great to see you.
Youâll hear from my lawyer.
Hey, can I be in "Hamilton"? Sure.
We rehearse on Monday.
- Really? - LIN-MANUEL: No! You know, Iâm just gonna go ahead and say it: That was the best play I ever saw in my life.
- Really? - Yes.
- Thank you, Arthur.
- Thanks, babe.
ANDREA: Guys, I really loved it too.
In all seriousness.
Iâm not kidding.
JULIE: Youâre not fucking with us? - No.
- Thanks, Mumford.
- Yes.
Thank you very much.
- That means a lot.
Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, hey, there.
- Hello.
Wanna get some coffee sometime? - Oh, uh - Excuse me.
Hi.
Whatâs going on? This is my boyfriend.
Back off, bitch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Youâre fucking that? Oh, my God.
When youâre ready for some A+ pussy, my numberâs on the card.
Excuse me? Hey, take a hike, Shining Time Station.
Iâll shine your station.
BILLY: There she goes, the midnight train to Georgia.
That was very rude.
JULIE: You gonna call her? ARTHUR: Of course not.
Wait.
Whereâs Matthew? (SOBBING) (JAZZY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) - Hey, you like comedy? - No! - Donât be a dick! - No! Thought they didnât know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow
- JULIE: Hey, tourists! - BILLY: No need to wait in line for Broadway show tickets.
New show "Swiftical," the musical.
We want to see "Hamilton.
" But itâs the New York Fringe Festival.
Come on.
Taylor Swift.
Itâs tomorrow night.
Oh, we want to see "Hamilton," though.
Well, Lin-Manuel Miranda endorsed our show.
His quote is right there on the flyer.
Who is Lin-Manuel Miranda? We want to see "Hamilton.
" Ugh.
These mutants.
Iâll go get us some Bubba Gump.
Whereâd you get that Lin-Manuel quote? - I made it up.
- Brilliant.
Hey, you look like you were homeschooled.
Come see our show.
Itâs about your hero, Taylor Swift.
Yeah, and itâs also about "Hamilton.
" Do you think this is the closest these people have ever been to an actual Jew before? Probably the closest is ordering a cinnamon-raisin bagel at Einstein Brothers.
Oh, my God, that chain.
Do you think they did a focus group and they were like, "Okay, which Jew do you hate least?" And people were like, âI donât know.
Albert Einstein.
â Yeah, well, whatâs the one other national bagel brand people know? Lenders.
I know.
Exactly.
Because Money-Lending, Hook-nosed, Sneaky, Showbusiness Rat Jew Bagels was too long of a name to fit on the bag.
Hey! You guys like comedy? Well, we used to.
Yeah.
Now we do it.
(DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC) I tried to get us reservations at Le Cirque, but this place is way more expensive.
Remember on Real Housewives when Aviva Drescher threw her leg at Le Cirque? I wonder if they got to keep that leg.
What if itâs attached to their restroom key? "Mom, this is very generous of you.
" Mom, this is very generous of you to take us out to lunch to celebrate our big play opening tomorrow night.
Play? Thatâs not ringing any bells.
No.
I invited you here because I have very good news.
Savannah Guthrie finally found an eye shadow that flatters her? You know, I never knew it was possible for a woman to clash with their own eyelids.
I have been tapped by Bravo to be an in-house psych consultant when they audition reality show cast members! - What? - They bring me women; I interview them; and then I give them my professional opinion whether they would have a nervous breakdown and whether that breakdown would be compelling television.
Who do you know at Bravo? And can they please explain "The Peopleâs Couch"? A very sweet therapist friend of mine was up for the job and she wanted me to write a recommendation, but instead I submitted myself.
So you Gwyneth Paltrowâd the job right from under her nose? So I am going to help cast the new "Real Housewives of New York City.
" Well, Mom, maybe I should give you a heads-up about the kind of women who are stars on that network.
Why? Because I canât do my own job? No.
Itâs because you havenât watched those shows and I have more experience.
Honestly, Julie, when did my good news become all about you? Moments after my theater debut became about your new television job.
I am very good at diagnosing people quickly.
Yes.
I am too.
As soon as I saw Paula Abdul dancing around with that cartoon cat, I knew that woman would have a problem with pills.
(LAUGHS) Thanks again for forcing Billy to cast me in his Taylor Swift musical, Mommy.
Muah.
Casting you was common sense.
Youâre a god damn star.
Besides, I told him that if he didnât cast you, - he couldnât have the night off.
- (CHUCKLES) Who knows? Maybe itâll be a big hit like "Hamilton.
" You mean the play I wrote? God damn it.
Not again.
No, no, no.
Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote "Hamilton.
" Bullshit.
Lin and I went to the same elementary school in Inwood.
In the fourth grade, I presented a book report on Alexander Hamilton, and it rhymed.
Thatâs when Lin got the idea.
Now heâs onstage every night, and that couldâve been me getting the MacArthur Genius Grant for making hip-hop accessible to Ben Brantley.
Oh, Iâm so sorry that instead youâre a successful business owner with a gorgeous wife.
This guy.
Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen? Is there some sort of sex party the trans waitress wasnât invited to? - Take two.
- Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen? If Alec Baldwin is coming in here, I refuse to serve his problematic ass.
- (TOGETHER) Bring it on.
- Why are there 12 cases of olive oil in the kitchen? If CeeLo Green is coming in here, I have not forgotten his tweets about rape.
- Brava.
- We feel good about that one? Restaurant week starts off tomorrow.
Weâve got 400 customers coming in a single day.
Oh, the meat just came.
Tonight the vegetables come, and weâll be good to go.
Ugh.
We better be.
Restaurant Week is our only chance to undo the damage done by that evil Zagats.
So you donât want me to come in? Is that it? Iâm the secret shame? Iâm just supposed to hide out of sight? Girl, youâre not getting the night off.
Fuck! Got 400 people coming through.
Denise, mama, Iâm gonna tell you the same thing I told Tommy Tune and those seven chorus boys: itâs physically impossible to fit all those people in here.
But it sure would be fun to try.
BOTH: (LAUGH) Candidate number 23.
When do I get to meet Andy Cohen? Please focus, Marilyn.
Would Melissa make a good housewife? You know, itâs funny.
Melissa she said something to me that reminded me of my wedding.
It was 1969.
I was a knockout.
Stay on topic, Marilyn.
Is Melissa stable enough to be on a reality show? Well, stability is subjective.
A couple of years ago, I thought that stevia was the right sweetener for me.
My A1C had come back Moving on.
Olivia.
We worry that Olivia may too normal for the show, but fans do like strong, confident women.
Let me stop you right there.
Strength and confidence are two different things.
Let me explain why I have both.
Marilyn, weâve reviewed 25 of the candidates At $1, 000 a pop.
And itâs clear that evaluating others may not be the best job for you.
Well, fuck you, too, and Iâve already invoiced you.
But I think I may have another job for someone as self-inclined as you.
Go on.
Baby, you were so right about moving the tables.
Yeah.
Iâm always so right.
Yeah, but sometimes youâre so wrong.
Come on.
Just call the vegetable people.
They shouldâve been here hours ago.
You know, youâre even cute when youâre worried about the vegetables coming on time.
All right, well, why donât I hit you with my car, youâll become a vegetable, and then Iâll pull the plug? Oh, you gonna pull my plug? Is that what youâre gonna do? - You gonna pull my plug, huh? - Why are you so nasty? Please, come and pull my No, this is not an obscene phone call.
Iâm sorry.
This is Nate from Dâs.
What time are my vegetables coming? JULIE: Why canât our owner just leave us at home? Weâre cats.
We hate traveling.
I know.
Of all the people in the world who could have adopted us, why that bitch Taylor Swift? And then we sing the "Let Me Shit Alone In A Box" song.
Okay.
Do you want to go from the top? Yep.
Sounds good.
Oh, my God.
Billy.
Weâre almost sold out.
What? Weâve never sold out one of our shows.
Weâve never even sold out like half of one of our shows.
And all we did was quote the guy who wrote "Hamilton" on the flyer I mean, success by association.
BILLY: You know, when we decided to do that, I was a little worried, but now I know we were doing the right thing.
Excuse me.
Iâm sorry.
Are you Billy Epstein and Julie Kessler? Aw! A fan.
Whatâs your name, little buddy? Oh, hold on.
Let me guess.
Itâs Bryce.
Are you gay, Bryce? What can we sign for you? Itâs from Shake It Off, Incorporated.
Youâve been served.
Itâs a cease and desist from Taylor Swift, herself.
- What? - Billy! I think you may be better for the show if you were on it.
The truck just hit a damn costume shop on 72nd Street.
The vegetables are not coming.
How would you feel about being Countess LuAnnâs new shrink? We canât do "Swiftical"! - BOTH: Fuck! - Terrific! (UPBEAT MUSIC) Well, if the showâs off, Iâm gonna fire Matthew.
Thatâs the only upside to this.
(LINE TRILLS) - MATTHEW: Hey.
- Hey, Matthew.
MATTHEW: What? Yeah, hey, the showâs canceled, so youâre fired.
- MATTHEW: (SCREAMING) - Okay.
The only thing more depressing than having a Fringe Festival show is having to cancel a Fringe Festival show.
Yeah.
Itâs kind of flattering that we were even on her radar - enough for us to get sued.
- Fucking Taylor Swift.
Oh, hey, look.
Itâs the two losers from "The Moth" last year.
- Who the fuck are you? - Andrea Mumford.
Really? I remember the two generic white Jews on stage making pop culture references in lieu of jokes, and you have no recall of a girl in a wheelchair doing spoken word poetry about her rapist uncle for 45 minutes? Listen, lady.
We meet a lot of people.
- Okay.
- What are you even doing here? Oh, I have to ask the Fringe organizers to move my show to a bigger venue.
We keep adding dates, but they keep selling out.
Of course you have a Fringe show.
Yeah, Iâm doing a one-woman version of "Snowpiercer" where I play all the roles, including the train.
Iâve already gotten seven Obies, and itâs not even in previews.
- "Ooh, Iâm a train.
" - "Iâm a train.
Choo-choo-choo.
" - Fuck you.
- Fuck you too.
You know what? Let me guess.
You two dipshits have a show, too, but nobodyâs seeing it, so youâre here to ask for your deposit back.
The jokeâs on you, Andrea.
They donât give you your deposit back.
And as a matter of fact, weâre just here on a victory lap because our show just sold out in such record time.
Pretty important show, too, you know.
Not, like, a train thing, you know.
- No.
- Itâs like kind of picks up where "Hamilton" left off.
Really? "Hamilton"? How is your show anything like "Hamilton"? Our showâs exactly like "Hamilton.
" - Mm-hm.
- For starters, itâs about another president.
Well, Hamilton was never a president.
Yeah, and like Hamilton, itâs a president that people donât really write about a lot, so our take on him is pretty unique.
Iâm gonna tell you one more time: Hamilton was never president.
Yeah.
Nothing wrong with another musical about presidents.
- Andrea, how are you? - Hi, Raul.
- Good to see you.
- Thank you.
You too.
You know, Billy and Julie here were just telling me how fast their show sold out.
"Swiftical"? Really? Your important "Hamilton" show is called "Swiftical"? - No.
Itâs called "Carter.
" - Mm-hm.
âCause itâs about Jimmy Carter.
- Mm-hm.
- Heard of him? Yeah, and we were just coming here to ask Raul if we could change the title.
Yeah.
Weâre changing it to "Carter.
" "Swiftical" is now "Carter.
" Oh, great.
Well, how much like "Hamilton" is it? - Is there rapping in it? - Yes.
- Is there hip-hop dancing? - Oh, yeah.
Well, then, I certainly hope that I can get a ticket, âcause Iâll be there.
- I certainly hope you will.
- Oh, I certainly will.
Great.
Yeah.
See if you can get a ticket.
- Probably canât, though.
- Oh, donât worry.
- MATTHEW: What? - Hey, Matthew.
Itâs Billy.
The showâs back on.
Youâre re-hired.
- MATTHEW: (SCREAMING) - Oh, God.
Fucking Andrea Mumford.
Why did we lie to her? I donât know, but we did, and now we have a show tomorrow, and we donât have a single idea.
You could always change the subject matter but keep the material.
Arthur, itâs very sweet of you to help, but please leave the art to the artists, and the farts to the fartists.
Okay, hear me out.
What if we change the subject matter, - but we keep the material? - Thatâs what I just said.
Are you suggesting that we Weird Al our own musical? Change the lyrics but leave the melodies intact? Without ever once brushing out our natural curls? Yes! Oh, my God.
Thatâs brilliant.
So all we have to do is change the Taylor Swift specifics to Jimmy Carter specifics, and weâre home free.
Yeah.
Weâll replace John Mayer with Yasser Arafat.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC) Throughout his second term, he, Roz and Amy Ate their chicken fried He pissed Israelis off He called their policies apartheid BOTH: Carter, you did a lot of things I guess Carter Your second wife was Sharon Gless Autosave.
The new script is very creative, but Iâm not comfortable being credited as historical advisor.
But itâs sweet that I included you.
Yes, but there are things in here that are not accurate.
- Like what? - Well, at no point did Jimmy Carter weigh in on Suzanne Somersâ salary dispute with the producers of "Threeâs Company.
" And it took me a long time to figure out who you were confusing Rosalynn Carter with, but itâs Emmylou Harris.
Oh, shit.
We need to get the "Carter" flyers printed.
Are there any Kinkoâs left in New York City? I think thereâs one.
But you have to go on the deep web to find it.
Donât just stand there, dear.
Cook us breakfast, and then find it.
And just because Jimmy Carter is from Georgia does not mean he knew NeNe Leakes.
- Arthur! - Why canât you support me? - MARILYN: Julie! - JULIE: Mom.
Hi.
Wow, this is where youâre doing your show? Itâs like the cellar from "Silence of the Lambs," but you havenât lost weight yet.
What do you want, Mom? Iâm busy.
Bravo has asked me to be on camera as Countess LuAnnâs therapist! - What? - They were looking for someone who felt the benefits of television exposure outweighed the slippery slope of patient confidentiality.
Et voilà ! All right.
I got a lot of work to do.
Congrats.
Iâll talk to you later.
Well, wait.
You watch that show.
You mentioned before that you might have some advice.
Nope.
Nothing.
No advice.
Just be yourself, away from me.
Why are you sulking? I guess Iâm just processing the fact that my mom is gonna be on TV before I am, and that my first exposure to audiences will be as a reality starâs daughter.
- Did you say star? - All right.
You know what, Mom? My Jimmy Carter musical is in less than 11 hours, and I need to rehearse, so Carter? I hope you have a song about how much Israeli blood is on his hands from his negotiations with Hamas.
Donât you pitch me ideas that you clearly lifted from "Kiss Me Kate.
" So these were all just lying in the street, covered in glitter? Yes.
A truck crashed into that costume store on 72nd Street The one near the last remaining Kinkoâs in New York City.
I took everything era-specific I could find.
That is insane.
Although, I have to say I kind of wish there was a way we could use some of the Taylor Swift stuff, you know? Like, that cow costume is amazing - for the Tennessee hoedown.
- Youâre right.
There has to be a way we can use it.
Yeah, and we have to use those fucking kitten costumes too.
And I mean, we got to use Mr.
Pea Donât even say the name.
I donât want to risk getting sued again.
But, yes, we have to make Matthew wear this.
Weâll just call him something else.
Oh, and the flyers came out great too.
Look at these.
And it turns out Lin-Manuel Miranda - loves this show too.
- Ooh, let me see.
Here.
We have to make Matthew give those out.
Okay, but you know I can only be outside for about five minutes at a time.
Iâm very sensitive to low temperatures.
As you know, my body fat levels are virtually Chenowethian.
- Fuck you, Matthew.
- Yeah.
What are you two amateurs doing? We have less than four hours until the show starts, and we havenât even run Amy Carterâs dream ballet.
Speaking of dreams, Matthew, I hope one day yours are crushed.
The only thing thatâs getting crushed of mine is whatever Mr.
Sondheim wants when Iâm finally invited to his alleged sex dungeon.
- What a gorgeous view, LuAnn.
- Yeah.
Right? Thatâs what you get when you live in a penthouse.
Good morning, everyone.
Countess, how are you? - Morning.
- Marilyn, Iâm Allison.
Cheryl, who you met at Bravo - she had a nervous breakdown.
- Oh! And because she was in Thailand when it happened, their euthanasia laws long story short, sheâs probably dead.
- Oh.
- But, silver lining, Iâm producing your segment now.
All right.
Well, okay.
Well, Iâve never counseled a patient in her own home before.
Oh, just treat it like a normal therapy session.
Yeah, like a normal, well-lit therapy session with cameras and a Countess.
All right, well, so far itâs fun.
All right.
Good.
Letâs go.
When do we start? Oh, weâve been recording since you got here.
You didnât get me yelling at her housekeeper, did you? Hereâs why you donât need her side of the story Can we talk about my fight with Sonja, please? Of course.
Which camera do I look at? Now, see, hereâs where my daughter Julie could help me.
- Do you have a daughter? - I do.
You do? Do you get along? We get along great.
Sheâs amazing.
Oh, you are so lucky.
Honestly, all I do is fight with my daughter.
I donât know what it is.
I do everything I can.
Thereâs always friction.
I think sheâs jealous of me.
Thatâs too bad, but can we get back to my therapy session, please? Yes, of course.
Go ahead.
So I tell Sonja Iâm writing another book, and she totally checks out on me.
Well, of course Iâd need to know a little bit more, LuAnn, but off the top, Iâd say that youâre dancing around the real conflict.
I am not.
Although, Iâm an excellent dancer.
- Well, so am I.
- No, Iâm a really good dancer.
Yeah, well, Iâve won championships.
Anyway, why is Sonja upset that youâre writing a book? Maybe because itâs a toaster oven cookbook, and her whole thing is cooking with a toaster oven? Well, I donât think sheâs jealous of you.
I think she feels that youâre trying to one-up her in her realm just like I did with Julie.
You know, I have a very good idea that I think will help you and Sonja.
There is a play that I think is important for all of us to see.
Well, if itâs "Kinky Boots," Iâve seen it 11 times.
Cyndi keeps asking me for notes.
I mean, at this point, you have to say, "Whatâs done is done.
" Holy shit.
Weâve got a full house.
- Shit.
Shit.
- Okay.
We can do this.
"Now weâre just gonna put on our wigs and play make-believe," just as John Travolta and Kelly Preston say to each other every morning.
Places.
Thank you.
Places.
Yes.
But first we pray.
Our Father, Guido Sarducci, who art in Don Novello, thank you for this audience.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
(TOGETHER) Carter! You know, I know we donât get along, but I really love you guys.
(BANJO MUSIC) Howdy.
Iâm Professor Cashews.
Iâm here to tell you a story about a peanut farmer who became president.
Oh! Mind if I put these kitten skins down and sit a spell? (AUDIENCE MUTTERING) MAN: Oh, jeez.
Unbelievable.
- Now, let me see.
- WOMAN: That was the worst.
MATTHEW: Our story starts at a humanity habitat being built for poors.
Make sure you get a lot of footage of my daughter, right there.
Mind you donât hurt your thumb, Gloria Steinem.
You might break a nail.
Try to be as inconspicuous as possible.
JULIE: You know what, Jimmy Carter? You can go fuck yourself.
(AUDIENCE SHUSHING) - Weâre invisible.
- MAN: Be quiet.
MARILYN: Weâre invisible.
I am not sitting with Sonja.
I am not.
Just sit in there.
Itâs all right.
- Iâm not sitting next to her! - Iâll sit between you.
Fair-weather bitch.
I was a peanut farmer I was a Southern charmer Makinâ Palestine my Valentine Like Greg meetinâ Dharma Sonja.
Sonja.
Come on.
Just be cool.
- Oh, like, donât be uncool? - All right? Just be cool.
- Sonja, please.
- Can it, Countess.
- Oh, my God.
- I hate her.
- I hate you.
- All right, Countess, please.
Shit.
Matthewâs show started half an hour ago, and weâre still chopping vegetables.
Not our fault.
The veggie truck didnât come.
We need to prep.
We have priorities.
Yeah, but are they the right priorities? You know, we have a family restaurant, but no family if we donât leave this place to someone, theyâll turn it into a Chase bank or a CVS or condos that only Russian sex traffickers can afford.
So what are you saying? Iâm saying that What, baby? I think we should adopt a baby.
Are you serious? Because you hate kids.
Only âcause Iâm not related to them.
- Okay, what about Matthew? - Matthewâs grown.
Heâs getting married.
He doesnât even need me anymore.
Sunrise, sunset.
Hey, listen.
Iâve been suggesting we have kids ever since I went to that "Yo Gabba Gabba" concert by myself and was detained by security.
Letâs go to Connecticut.
Weâll adopt a white baby.
Weâll be like the reverse of those celebrities that go to Africa.
Or Sandra Bullock.
Remember? She got a Katrina baby from New Orleans - after that Nazi cheated on her.
- Mm-hmm.
Fuck Restaurant Week.
Fuck these vegetables.
Baby, I feel so good about this.
- Me too.
Really good.
- Yeah.
Iâm Ronald Reagan.
And this is a song about my legacy.
Put that away.
Put it away.
I I ignored AIDS, I ignored AIDS I donât understand what this play has to do with Carter.
Or us.
Or anything.
I ignored AIDS AIDS This is just a waste of our time.
(OVERLAPPING WHISPERS) MAN: Shut up! Letâs go to the tanning salon in Chelsea.
At least there people recognize us sorry.
What were we even fighting about? - I donât know.
- Stay.
Keep shooting.
(GENTLE ROCK MUSIC) Gene Simmons, David Bowie At your service to show A lot of stuff about a president you hardly even know The â70s were crazy, I got a ton of poon I drink Liz Taylorâs lady juice Right out of a coke spoon Carter beat Gerald Ford And gave the White House solar panels Gave us ten new HBO channels Skateboarded with Andrew Rannells Why does this Southern Baptist matter? Whatâs he teaching us sluts? That ignoring Carterâs legacy is totally nuts ALL: Carter, you are a martyr And you were smarter than other Carters Like Aaron, Nick, Beyonce, Nell, Lynda, Dixie, Graydon Well Carter, now we know about you (SCATTERED CLAPS) MAN: Whoo.
I donât think they got it.
Yeah, well, if they stayed, they would have.
(SIGHS) Iâm gonna go get the AIDS cow.
Okay.
- DENISE: There he is.
- (GASPS) - Thereâs my big star.
- Mama De-neesy Nash, you made it.
Of course.
And I have wonderful news.
Come on.
Sit.
Nate and I have decided to adopt a baby, and youâre gonna be a big brother.
No! (SOBBING) He took it much better than I thought.
Yeah.
(SOBBING) Oh.
Julie.
I came to your show.
I brought cameras.
- I noticed.
- Because you should be on TV.
Not me.
Well, Marilyn, you did the impossible.
LuAnn and Sonja are no longer fighting.
I told you I knew what I was doing.
The LuAnn/Sonja conflict was supposed to be the arc of this whole season.
Remind me what arc means in your world and who LuAnn is.
Now I got to start shit with Bethenny.
Marilyn, youâre fired.
I should have given you advice when you asked for it.
Yeah, youâre always selfish that way.
You want to grab a couple of AIDSyâs hooves? LIN-MANUEL: Hello? Who said I said this show was better than mine? Lin-Manuel Miranda? Yeah, I know who I am.
Who the fuck are you? Iâm Billy.
Hey, can Julie and I have tickets to "Hamilton"? - No.
- Well, well, well.
If it isnât Lin-Man-well, well, well.
You steal any fourth-grade book reports lately? Nate.
Fuck, dude.
Iâm sorry.
Thank you.
I just wanted an apology.
- (SIGHS) - Enjoy your Tonys.
Oh, I do.
Sometimes I pretend oneâs a boy Tony and oneâs a girl Tony, and I make them kiss.
Not that two boy Tonys canât kiss.
I donât know why I said that.
Thatâs very heteronormative.
Itâs just Iâve already named THEM: Roger and Desiree.
Anyway, itâs great to see you.
Youâll hear from my lawyer.
Hey, can I be in "Hamilton"? Sure.
We rehearse on Monday.
- Really? - LIN-MANUEL: No! You know, Iâm just gonna go ahead and say it: That was the best play I ever saw in my life.
- Really? - Yes.
- Thank you, Arthur.
- Thanks, babe.
ANDREA: Guys, I really loved it too.
In all seriousness.
Iâm not kidding.
JULIE: Youâre not fucking with us? - No.
- Thanks, Mumford.
- Yes.
Thank you very much.
- That means a lot.
Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, hey, there.
- Hello.
Wanna get some coffee sometime? - Oh, uh - Excuse me.
Hi.
Whatâs going on? This is my boyfriend.
Back off, bitch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Youâre fucking that? Oh, my God.
When youâre ready for some A+ pussy, my numberâs on the card.
Excuse me? Hey, take a hike, Shining Time Station.
Iâll shine your station.
BILLY: There she goes, the midnight train to Georgia.
That was very rude.
JULIE: You gonna call her? ARTHUR: Of course not.
Wait.
Whereâs Matthew? (SOBBING) (JAZZY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) - Hey, you like comedy? - No! - Donât be a dick! - No! Thought they didnât know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow