Doug (1991) s02e07 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
I WAS GOING TO CLASS,
MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, WHEN
HEY, FUNNIE
PUT THESE ON.
NO THANKS, I'M WEARING
MY OWN UNDERWEAR.
NO, ON THE
STATUE, DUFUS.
WE ALWAYS DRESS OLD
MAN BLUFF'S STATUE
ON SCHOOL
ANNIVERSARY DAY.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
HUH, HUH?
OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW
YOU PUT ON THE SHORTS
WHILE I GET THE RES
OF THE "ENSEMBLAY."
I'VE GO
A FUNNY FEELING.
Skeeter:
DOUG.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I'M JUST HELPING OU
WITH SCHOOL ANNIVERSARY DAY.
SCHOOL
ANNIVERSARY DAY?
WHAT DO
YOU MEAN?
( laughing )
WHAT A SUCKER!
ROGER.
( all gasp )
WATCH IT.
GET IT.
HOLD I
RIGHT THERE.
MR. BONE?
MR. BONE!
TAMPERING WITH
SCHOOL PROPERTY, EH?
YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW.
OH, NO, NOT THE RULE BOOK.
LET'S SEE, TAMPERING
WITH UNDERGARMENTS
BOXER SHORTS, FLANNEL BRIEFS,
HERE WE GO
"RULE NUMBER 47: ANY PERSON OR
PERSONS INVOLVED IN OR AROUND
THE ACT OF PUTTING
"POLKA-DOTTED UNDERWEAR
"ON THE SCHOOL FOUNDER'S STATUE
MUST SERVE
ONE SATURDAY DETENTION."
( gasping )
Mr. Bone:
OH, YES.
AND YOU ALL HAVE
MR. FUNNIE TO THANK.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
Mr. Bone:
REMEMBER, RULE 821 FORBIDS
NOTE PASSING IN DETENTION HALL.
ALSO, SPITBALL SHOOTING,
KNUCKLE CRACKING, DAYDREAMING
THANKS FOR RUINING
MY WHOLE WEEKEND.
YAWNING, WHISTLING,
BUBBLE-GUM BLOWING
Doug:
GOSH, SKEETER
THERE'S A RULE
AGAINST EVERYTHING.
I HEARD THAT.
RULE NUMBER 1,256:
NO WHISPERING
BEHIND THE BACK
OF THE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL.
OH, MAN.
OH, MAN.
WHO THOUGHT YOU COULD
GET IN TROUBLE
FOR BREAKING STUPID RULES?
I BET QUAILMAN WOULD KNOW
HOW TO DEAL
WITH A RULE MANIAC
LIKE MR. BONE.
THE ADVENTURES OF QUAILMAN
A SUPERHERO ABLE TO STAY UP
PAST HIS OWN BEDTIME
AND HIS CANINE COMPANION,
QUAILDOG.
BILLS, BILLS, AND MORE BILLS.
WHAT'S THIS?
NOT ANOTHER SWEEPSTAKES, I HOPE.
SILLY, POINTLESS RULE BOOK.
"YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
BROKEN A RULE."
LOOKS LIKE
THE RULEMEISTER
IS UP TO HIS OLD
TRICKS AGAIN.
HE MUST LEARN THAT RULES
AREN'T SILLY AND POINTLESS.
THEY ARE FOR THE COMMON GOOD
OF THE PEOPLE.
TIME FOR SOME
SERIOUS INVESTIGATION.
"OBEY THE RULES, OR ELSE."
THE RULEMEISTER MAY HAVE
GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME
BUT WHAT DO THE PEOPLE THINK?
( gasps )
Quailman:
STOP ME IF
I'M BEING NOSY
BUT WHY ARE ALL OF YOU
STANDING UPSIDE DOWN?
AT 3:00 YOU HAVE
TO STAND ON YOUR HEAD.
DIDN'T YOU READ
THE RULEMEISTER'S BOOK?
STANDING ON YOUR HEAD?
SOMEONE HAS TO STAND UP
TO THE RULEMEISTER
AND JUST SAY NO TO SILLY
AND POINTLESS RULES.
WOW, WHAT A SUPER HERO!
I'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM.
NOW, TIME FOR SOME NOURISHMENT.
COME, QUAILDOG.
( barks )
NOT JUST YUMMY, BUT LESS FILLING
THAN THOSE OTHER FROZEN CHEESES.
HERE'S YOUR
CHANGE, QUAILMAN.
EXCUSE ME,
BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHEN YOU GIVE
SOMEONE CHANGE
YOU HAVE TO HOP
UP AND DOWN.
HOP UP AND DOWN?
I CANNOT FOLLOW SUCH
A SILLY AND POINTLESS RULE.
SUIT YOURSELF, BUT I'D HATE
TO MAKE THE RULEMEISTER MAD.
THAT'S JUST RULEMEISTER RUBBISH.
( howling )
Rulemeister:
WELL, THAT'S WHA
YOU THINK, QUAILMAN.
YOU DARED TO DISOBEY
MY SILLY AND POINTLESS RULES.
NOW YOU MUST PAY.
MY PRECIOUS WEEKEND BLASTER WILL
SPEED UP THE EARTH'S ROTATION
FROM FRIDAY TO MONDAY.
( whirring to life )
( beeping )
NO MORE SATURDAYS.
NO MORE SUNDAYS.
NO MORE WEEKENDS.
( Rulemeister laughing
demoniacally )
BOY, THESE CHEESE-ON-A-STICKS
SURE PACK A WALLOP!
WAIT TILL THEY SEE THE PENALTY
FOR QUAILMAN'S DISOBEDIENCE.
Quailman:
"WEEKENDS DISAPPEAR.
WHY? BECAUSE I SAID SO."
THE RULEMEISTER.
EGADS, IT'S MONDAY ALL RIGH
BUT WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE WEEKEND?
Mr. Dink:
Quailman, it's Bud Dink.
Sorry about not coming by
but I couldn't find the time--
literally.
White:
This is Mayor White.
We were supposed to play
goof-off golf this weekend.
But now it's Monday.
Did I miss something?
I'm so confused.
NO MORE WEEKENDS.
DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT THIS MEANS?
NO MORE PLAYING QUAILBALL;
NO MORE QUAILBRUNCH.
Rulemeister:
Too bad about the weekends.
THE RULEMEISTER!
But you disobeyed
my silly and pointless rules
so everyone must suffer.
NOBODY RUINS MY WEEKEND
THAT EASILY.
COME ON, QUAILDOG,
WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
Crowd:
WE WANT OUR WEEKENDS!
WE WANT OUR WEEKENDS.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
Rulemeister:
FAIR?
WHO SAID RULES HAD TO BE FAIR?
WHEN WILL
I CUT MY HAIR?
WHEN DO WE GET A DAY
OFF FROM SCHOOL?
DON'T COME CRYING TO ME.
TALK TO QUAILMAN.
HE BROKE THE RULES,
NOW EVERYONE MUST SUFFER.
QUAILMAN?
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO, IF YOU WAN
YOUR WEEKENDS BACK
YOU'D BETTER OBEY MY RULES.
I LOVE THIS JOB.
MY LITTLE PLAN IS A SUCCESS.
NO ONE WILL DARE
DISOBEY MY RULES AGAIN.
NO MATTER HOW RIDICULOUS
THEY ARE.
Quailman:
DON'T COUNT ON IT.
QUAILMAN! QUAILDOG!
THAT'S RIGHT,
YOUR SILLY SCHEME IS SCUM.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE HERE.
YOU'RE BREAKING ANOTHER RULE.
SEE?
"NO VISITORS AFTER 6:00!"
DON'T MAKE ME MAD,
I'VE HAD A LOUSY WEEKEND.
IT'S THE LAST WEEKEND
YOU'LL EVER SEE.
THANKS TO ME, THERE ARE
NOW FIVE DAYS IN THE WEEK:
MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY,
THURSDAY, FRIDAY
THIS GUY'S GOT A SCREW LOOSE.
I'VE GOT TO USE
MY POWERS OF INTELLIGENCE
TO COME UP
WITH A PLAN PRONTO.
THE RULE BOOK.
THAT'S IT.
( grunts )
NOW TO UNLEASH
TO THE SPEED OF THE QUAIL.
REMEMBER, KIDS,
READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.
ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S IT, MISTER.
YOU'VE BROKEN
ANOTHER RULE.
NO ONE READS MY RULE
BOOK EXCEPT ME.
NOW YOU'RE GOING
TO GET IT.
OH, YEAH?
HOW ABOUT RULE NUMBER 1,987,642?
HUH?
"ALL SOCKS MUS
MATCH AT ALL TIMES
EXCEPT ON WEEKENDS."
OH, NO, I'VE BROKEN MY OWN RULE.
I'M WEAK, I'M A FAILURE.
I'M I'M MELTING.
( sobbing )
OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
DON'T BE SUCH
A SILLYMEISTER.
YOU REALLY SHOULD
GET A HOBBY.
BUT FIRST, I MUST UNFIX
THE WEEKEND BLASTER.
AND SO, THANKS TO THE QUAIL
POWERS OF SPEED, INTELLIGENCE
AND THIS INSTRUCTION MANUAL.
QUAILMAN BEAT THE RULEMEISTER
AND GAVE EVERYONE
THEIR WEEKENDS BACK.
Quailman:
"HOW TO CREATE A NEW DAY."
I KNOW, WE CAN CALL IT "FUNDAY."
AND SO, QUAILMAN SLOWED DOWN
THE EARTH'S ROTATION
TO CREATE A NEW DAY
OF THE WEEK, FUNDAY
MUCH TO THE DELIGHT OF
WEEKEND LOVERS EVERYWHERE.
( cheering )
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISTER.
I SAID HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
RULEMEISTER--
I MEAN, MR. BONE.
YOU KNOW, THE RULES.
NO DRAWING IN DETENTION HALL.
HMM, WHAT WOULD QUAILMAN DO?
UM, MR. BONE.
DO THE SCHOOL'S RULES
APPLY TO EVERYONE?
EVERY PERSON WITHOUT EXCEPTION.
BUT YOU'VE JUST BROKEN
ONE OF YOUR OWN RULES--
"NO GRABBING OTHER
PEOPLE'S COMICS."
Patti:
AND ACCORDING TO YOUR RULE BOOK
THE PUNISHMENT IS
ONE SATURDAY DETENTION.
I CAN'T STAY HERE,
I HAVE A YODELING CLASS.
IT'S A RULE, MR. BONE.
BUT IT'S A SILLY
AND POINTLESS RULE.
BUT THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN
TELLING YOU, MR. BONE.
I DON'T WANT TO MISS
MY YODELING LESSON.
MAY I SUGGES
A NEW RULE?
NOT ANOTHER RULE.
JUST ONE MORE.
RULE NUMBER 1,900,003:
NO MORE SATURDAY
DETENTIONS.
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY?
IT'S UP TO YOU,
MR. BONE.
WELL, I SAY LAST ONE
OUT'S A ROTTEN EGG.
( kids shouting gleefully )
WELL, QUAILMAN, I GUESS SOME
RULES AREN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL.
RIGHT?
( Quail whistle )
( yelps )
( barks )
HUH?
WHOA!
WHAT?
HUH?
HEY!
( screaming )
( grunting )
( screaming )
( splash )
( yelling )
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
THIS MORNING I WAS PUTTING
THE FINISHING TOUCHES
ON MY LANDSCAPE WHEN
( growling )
( yelps )
HEY! HEY! HEY!
PORKCHOP!
LUCKILY IT WAS ONLY
THE BACK OF MY PAINTING.
I GO TO
THE BLUFFINGTON ART GUILD
FOR PAINTING CLASSES.
AND TODAY WAS THE DAY
OUR TEACHER, MS. PERIGREW
WAS GOING TO CHOOSE
TWO PAINTINGS FOR COMPETITION.
WOULD IT BE BEEBE'S?
SHE WAS PAINTING
HER FAVORITE SUBJECT.
OR MR. DINK'S?
STAND BACK-- ARTIST AT WORK.
( chuckles )
WHOA!
OR WOULD IT BE
Patti:
DOUG?
PATTI.
CAN YOU HELP ME?
SURE.
DO YOU LIKE
MY PAINTING?
I WANT YOU TO BE
COMPLETELY HONEST.
WELL, I THINK
IT'S GREAT, PATTI.
YOU DO?
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
I WORKED SO HARD.
YOU'VE MADE ME SO HAPPY.
MAYBE IF YOU PU
A LITTLE MORE SNOW ON TOP
AND A COUPLE
MORE TREES.
OR, YOU CAN LEAVE
THE TREES OFF.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
MOUNTAIN.
IT'S NOT A MOUNTAIN,
IT'S MY GRANDMOTHER.
HUH? OF COURSE.
JUST A LITTLE
ART JOKE, PATTI.
Ms. Perigrew:
DOUG FUNNIE.
THERE YOU ARE.
I'M SORRY.
I WAS JUST HELPING PATTI.
I'LL GET BACK
NO, PLEASE,
GIVE HER ADVICE.
GIVE ME ADVICE.
THAT PAINTING YOU
DID IS WONDERFUL.
YOU LIKE IT?
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I LIKE
BUT I DO KNOW
WHAT ART IS
AND YOUR PAINTING IS GENIUS.
YOU'RE GOING
TO BE A VERY
FAMOUS ARTIST.
ME? FAMOUS.
MAYBE LIKE
THAT GUY ON TV.
OKAY, WELCOME BACK
TO THE SHOW.
TODAY WE'RE GOING
TO DO A LAKE.
WE JUST TAKE A LITTLE
OF THIS HAPPY BLUE
A LITTLE PRUSSIAN BLUE
ON OUR BRUSHES
AND A LITTLE TITANIUM WHITE
AND THERE'S OUR LAKE.
( gasping )
YOUR PAINTING
IS GOING TO THE
COMPETITION TONIGHT.
REALLY?
WELL, I NEVER
BUT I DIDN'T,
I MEAN, PORKCHOP
PORKCHOP, IS THAT THE TITLE?
OH, HOW MYSTERIOUS.
( crowd murmurs )
BUT I DIDN'T.
I NEVER REALIZED
YOU WERE SO GOOD.
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE?
DOUG'S A GENIUS.
WHAT COULD I SAY?
OKAY, I GUESS I COULD HAVE
TRIED HARDER TO TELL THEM
BUT THEY KEPT TELLING ME
WHAT A GENIUS I WAS.
( groans )
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER
RIGHT THEN.
THEY'RE PROBABLY HANGING
IT IN THE MUSEUM.
WHAT DO I DO?
( whimpers )
FLIP-FLOPS?
HOW ARE FLIP-FLOPS
GOING TO HELP?
OH, YEAH.
SMASH ADAMS, SECRET AGENT.
YEAH, HE'D KNOW
HOW TO CLEAR THIS UP.
( radar bleeping )
IT'S NO USE.
THE SHOW'S IN THREE HOURS.
WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN HERE?
SITTING.
WELL, SIT SOMEPLACE ELSE.
AND TAKE YOUR
FINGER PAINTS.
MY FRIENDS ARE
ON THE WAY.
IF THEY SAW YOU WITH
YOUR LITTLE PAINTS
I'D JUST DIE.
( doorbell rings )
OH, NO, HURRY UP
AND GET OUT OF HERE.
WHERE IS HE?
HI, YOU'RE DOUG?
MY NAME'S PENNY.
MAY I TOUCH YOUR HAND?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HE DID A PAINTING.
MS. PERIGREW
SHOWED IT TO US
IN ART CLASS.
YOUR BROTHER'S
A GENIUS.
WHAT FEELING!
IT'S TOTAL
POST-POST-NEO!
WERNER SCHNOZZLE
IS FLYING IN TO
JUDGE THE SHOW.
THE WERNER SCHNOZZLE?
THE FAMOUS ARTIST?
DOUG IS BETTER THAN SCHNOZZLE.
HE COULD CRUSH SCHNOZZLE
WITH A NUMBER 6 SABLE BRUSH.
( all talking at once )
( doorbell rings )
HELLO.
I'M MS. PERIGREW.
I HOPE YOU
DON'T MIND
I BROUGH
A REPORTER.
WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE
TO BE THE NEX
REMBRANDT?
WHO IS YOUR
BIGGEST INFLUENCE?
DOUG WOULD
MOP THE FLOOR
WITH REMBRANDT.
WHO IS YOUR BIGGES
INFLUENCE, DOUG?
WELL
I CAN ANSWER THAT.
ME-- JUDY FUNNIE.
J-U-D-Y
F-U-N
GOT ANY OTHER WORKS
YOU COULD SHOW US?
SURE.
Ms. Perigrew:
WHAT IS THAT?
THESE ARE JUST SOME DRAWINGS.
THIS IS QUAILMAN, AND THIS
IS PORKCHOP, AND THIS IS
WELL, A FRIEND OF MINE.
YOU'RE JOKING,
RIGHT, DOUG?
THESE DRAWINGS,
THEY'RE
THEY'RE
NOT YOU.
THEY AREN'T?
COULD YOU PAIN
US SOMETHING?
All:
YEAH, DO A PAINTING, DOUG.
BUT, WELL, I DON'T HAVE
A CANVAS OR ANYTHING.
I DO.
( giggles nervously )
GO AHEAD, DOUG,
DON'T BE SHY.
WELL
AMAZING.
HE'S IN HIS
SUBMINIMALIST PERIOD.
THIS IS THE MOS
BEAUTIFUL THING
I EVER WITNESSED.
THIS IS SENSATIONAL.
YOU'LL HAVE
YOUR OWN SHOW
AT THE MUSEUM.
MY OWN SHOW?
Man:
Little did anyone suspect
what this doodle by
Doug Funnie would lead to.
OH, DOUG, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
THEN THIS EVENING EVERYONE
WAS AT THE BIG ART SHOW.
YOU SEE, I TRIED TO BRING OU
THE ESSENTIAL PORCHOPPINESS
OF THE PORKCHOP.
( all talking )
WHAT WAS I SAYING?
THIS WASN'T ME.
I WAS TALKING LIKE
JUDY'S FRIENDS.
JUST THEN I SAW THE OTHER
PAINTING THAT WAS CHOSEN.
HEY, DOUG.
Doug:
EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, PATTI.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'M SORRY THEY PUT MY
PAINTING NEXT TO YOURS.
IT'S NOT EVEN MODERN.
OH, THAT'S
I DON'T KNOW WHA
HIT ME JUST THEN.
I LOOKED AT ALL THESE
GREAT PAINTINGS AROUND ME--
THE ARTISTS I WANTED TO BE LIKE
AND HERE I WAS WITH A PAINTING
THAT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME
THAT I DIDN'T EVEN DO
AND I SURE DIDN'
FEEL LIKE A GENIUS.
WHAT WOULD MS. PERIGREW THINK
IF SHE KNEW PORKCHOP AND
A RACCOON DID THE PAINTING?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.
BUT I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.
( applause )
LET ME JUST SAY
IT TAKES A GREAT TOWN
TO MAKE AN ARTIS
LIKE DAN.
MY NAME'S DOUG.
AND IT TAKES A GREAT MAYOR
TO MAKE A GREAT TOWN.
EXCUSE ME, MR. MAYOR.
HERE HE IS.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
Man:
IT'S SCHNOZZLE.
( all clamoring )
IT'S
SCHNOZZLE.
WERNER SCHNOZZLE
IS HERE.
WELCOME TO OUR CITY,
MR. SWIZZLE.
SCHNOZZLE.
IT TAKES
HE'S TOUCHING ME.
WHY IS HE TOUCHING ME?
DON'T TOUCH HIM.
I'M ELAINE PERIGREW.
SHH!
THAT'S THE MOST MAGNIFICEN
PAINTING I'VE EVER SEEN.
WHO DID THAT AMAZING PAINTING?
EXCUSE ME?
HERE HE IS--
DOUG FUNNIE.
I'M HIS BIGGES
INFLUENCE--
JUDITH FUNNIE.
J-U-D-I-T-H
F-U-N-N
NO, WAIT.
I MEAN, I DIDN'
DO THAT PAINTING.
WHAT?
( crowd gasping )
IF YOU DIDN'
DO THAT PAINTING, DOUG
I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHO DID.
PORKCHOP DID.
MY DOG, PORKCHOP,
AND A RACCOON DID I
BY ACCIDENT.
I'M SORRY.
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT DOG DID NOT DO THA
PAINTING, MR. SWIZZLE.
WHY, THAT'S
PREPOSTEROUS.
YOUR DOG DID THAT PAINTING
OF AN OLD WOMAN?
THAT ONE WITH THE MOUNTAIN?
Schnozzle:
THOSE WRINKLES
AND WHITE HAIR.
BUT, MR. SCHNOZZLE,
REALLY, THE TECHNIQUE.
TECHNIQUE,
SCHMECHNIQUE.
I COULD TEACH
A DOG TECHNIQUE.
IT'S THE FEELING THAT COUNTS.
YOU CAN'T TEACH THAT.
WELL, LIKE I'VE ALWAYS SAID
IT TAKES A GREAT TOWN
TO MAKE A GREA
ARTIST LIKE PEGGY.
MY NAME'S PATTI.
IT TAKES A GREAT MAN
TO ADMIT WHEN HE'S STUPID.
Doug:
I'M SORRY MR. SCHNOZZLE DIDN'
LIKE YOUR PAINTING, PORKCHOP.
BUT I'M GLAD HE LIKED PATTI'S.
( yelps )
( doorbell rings )
( all talking )
DOUG, WAS THAT YOU
PLAYING THE PIANO?