Duckman (1994) s02e07 Episode Script

(squealing) (whistling) (screaming) What the hell are you staring at? Someone who sublimates his seething resentment of a society-imposed celibacy by wearing offensive and morally bankrupt clothing.
Oh, so, you like the new jacket? They threw in a pair of spotted underpants.
Don't you mean spotted owl underpants? Hey, like I suddnely care about brand names.
And, by the way, if you're hinting at some kind of politically incorrect insensitivity here-- I'll have you know that all these seals died of natural causes-- brain hemorrhages or something.
You realize, of course, those seals were somebody's children.
Corny, if there's one piece of advice I can give you, it's this-- Never order buttery topping after ticking off the popcorn vendor at a movie theater.
Oh.
Right.
Well, speaking of children, did I tell you mine are demanding a vacation now? Hard to believe, isn't it? Like every day with me isn't vacation enough? Hmm some kilbasa.
From Easter, I believe.
Mr.
Duckman, a vacation is the perfect opportunity to get away from your everyday worries and troubles.
In fact, Fluffy and I were thinking about asking for one ourselves.
We've worked 11 years without a vacation.
Oh, my heavens.
Do allow me to apologize for this unthinkable oversight by offering you an all-expense-paid trip to one of the world's most popular hot spots-- BOTH: Oh! As I was saying, Corny, you should thank your lucky stars you don't have any kids.
Dad Who are you and why are you squeezing the pleats out of my pants? My name is Ng.
You are my father.
"Ng," huh? How do you spell that? N-G.
What a pretty "nm.
" You live, on "mn" street? Here.
Go buy yourself a vowel.
I'm sorry, Ng.
As much as the prospect intrigues me, I couldn't possibly be your father.
Of course he couldn't! Up until he took a couple of boob-a-licious twins back to their place last year for a little (squeaking) he'd never, you know, pickled the old herring.
To be honest, I still haven't.
What? What happened with the twins? I fainted when they took off their sneakers.
NG: You mean I've traveled all this way just to find out you're not my father? Wait a minute the war.
(explosions and gunfire) There was someone.
The details are fuzzy but I remember a woman named Mai Lin whose sole desire was to pleasure me in unspeakable and often degrading ways using mah-jongg tiles and a strange vibrating bamboo device.
Mai Lin that's my mother.
Did I mention she was a fine cook? Well, Ng-man, Ng-erewski, the Ng-meister welcome to the clan.
Go into the back room.
Inside my monogrammed enema bag there's 12 bucks, a fake mustache, and a Saudi Arabian passport.
Take them and start a new life.
Duckman, I don't think you understand what this means.
Ng is my progeny, my family, my litter.
You can't just throw away your litter.
Well, you know what I mean.
I finally have someone to carry on my name.
I'm a father, Duckman.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
Come on, son.
We've got some catching up to do.
Oh, it is kind of nice for the little guy.
He should get a chance at it, too.
After all, in the end, there isn't anything like the happiness you get from being part of a family.
It's not fair! We want to go! We deserve a vacation! Duckman, you promised your kids last year you'd take them on vacation.
And, kids, what did I tell you about promises? ALL: They don't count for family, friends and other people who won't hurt you.
But I want to go on vacation.
I'd love to take a vacation, but they're just too expensive.
Maybe we could visit that place by the train tracks with the burnt tires and smoldering oil drums.
That's our backyard, dear.
The idea would be to get away.
Oh.
Sorry I didn't knock.
The neighbors had opened your front door so they could hear your argument better.
They do take an interest.
Last week, they helped us paint our house.
Dad, they sprayed "get out" on our living room window.
Whatever.
It's the thought that counts, son.
Be that as it may, I have an annoucement to make: Though I just spent the best day of my life with a boy who claims to be my son, deep down inside burns a desire to learn the truth.
Therefore, as painful as it might be, I've decided to go back to his country and find little Ng's mother, in order to determine whether or not I'm his real father.
It's the most important journey I've ever made and because I may need the moral support of my best friend and partner I'm here to ask you to come with me, Duckman.
Gee, I've got this thing.
Besides, don't you think it's a tad selfish to ask me to risk my life by trekking through unknown horrors in the wartorn jungles of a possibly still anti-American country? I'll spring for the airfare.
Then again, I could use a tan.
Wait a minute.
Free airfare, two-dollar hotels pack your bags, kids.
We are going on vacation! (all cheering) Uh, Duckman, I wasn't planning on paying for all of you.
Of course you weren't.
I wouldn't ask you to do that.
We'll leave Grandma-ma with a neighbor.
(farting) CORNFED: Strange last time I made this trip, it was as a young man naively certain I was doing my duty for a country that neither believed in the war nor would appreciate my efforts when I returned.
DUCKMAN: Inconceivable! An unconscionable travesty! There's, like, two peanuts in here.
Anyway, it would all be worth it if it meant having something as special as a son.
Uncle Corny, did you win any medals in the war? One or two.
Excuse me, but I happen to be a war hero, too.
You? Hah! You couldn't get into the Salvation Army.
(laughing) Fine.
Laugh if you will, but if I wasn't in the war, where did I get this? From the table dancer who didn't like where you tried sliding your credit card.
Okay.
Then explain this.
Mmm ravioli.
All right, all right.
What about this? (all gasping) Aha! A souvenir of war, my friends and I remember exactly how I got it.
So these are the dank, guerilla-infested jungles of Southeast Asia.
No, this is still the plane.
I couldn't stir up any memories.
But I know I was there-- why can't I remember? Sometimes when you experience something grotesque and horrifying, your brain works to repress it.
(screams): Who are you? (laughing) I see what you mean.
("Flight of the Valkyries" playing) That music I've heard it before.
(reveille playing) (snoring) (screaming) (grunting) (as Marlon Brando): You have no right to judge me.
You have the right to kill me, but you've no right to judge me.
No, wait.
Reverse that.
Judge me.
Don't kill me.
Yeah, that seems better.
For no man is an island, though some are roughly the same size as one.
I coulda been somebody.
I coulda been a contender Senator Corleone, Governor Corleone.
Props, we need more butter.
General Zod, Krypton will be destroyed.
Right.
Well, you've obviously got a lot of psychotic ranting to do.
I'll just get out of your hair uh, scalp.
(screaming) No! Come back, Wally.
We'll make fudge.
Why am I here rambling incoherently? The money the money the money (yelling) Wake up, you cretin! We're here! Okay, okay, I'm awake! I know.
But the dream-- it was so real, like something is starting to come back to me.
Who gives a hamster's hind end? Let's go, kids, and remember not to leave anything.
Before you climb down, I want you to know when I step off this plane things may get emotional for me but it helps to know that you'll be by my side every step of the way.
Look, they're going to Euro-Asia Land! (cheering) Euro-Asia Land, here we come! Or I could meet up with you when I stop bleeding.
* Can't seem to get my mind off of you * * back here at home with nothing to do * * I see I'm strong * * And I'm not so strong * * I should have known all along * * That time would tell * * Whole week without you * * Thought I'd forget * * Two weeks without you * * And I still haven't gotten over you yet * * Vacation, all I ever wanted * * Vacation, had to get away * * Vacation's meant to be spent alone * * Vacation, all I ever wanted * * Vacation, had to get away * * Vacation's meant to be spent alone * Remember, kids, we're goodwill ambassadors.
Let's represent our country with pride.
Hey, rickshaw, let's spring roll into action! My egg foo young'uns and me need a ride-- chop, chop! What is this, the Year of the Snail? I found it.
I found her address.
I went to pick up a suit I left at a local dry cleaners during the war and her address was in the pocket.
She lives at I've never been so nervous in my life, Duckman, but I have a good feeling about this.
I just hope Ng is having fun getting to know his new home.
And this is Uncle Stuffy the day he got caught in the lint trap.
AJAX: Dad, I'm hungry.
I haven't eaten anything since those rancid brownies I found in the cow pasture.
It's not your father's fault, Ajax.
His decision to forgo the map and get us there on gut instinct, thereby rendering us lost, was perfectly understandable.
But I'm thirsty.
And I have to pee.
Well, that works out perfectly, doesn't it? Ew! Ew! (chuckles, then grunts) Hey, Dad, that sign says "Camp.
" No, Ajax, it says Oh.
Actually it does say camp.
Sorry.
Force of habit.
Come on.
BERNICE: This place makes my flesh crawl.
Look, that guy's in chains and shackles.
Don't knock it till you've tried it, son.
Wait a minute.
That headband.
(gun clicks, people gasp) Uh me? Already? Well, I'm up for a new game.
Uh, a little parcheesi maybe? Granted, it lacks the riveting tension of imminent death, but the cleanup's easier.
(yelling) Any chance that meant "Lose your turn"? (yelling) Mao, babe, how about lunch? Click! (gunshot) (glass tinkling) I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to! (Duckman shrieks) I'm having flashbacks from the war! But why? What's happening to me? I must have been traumatized.
Something terrible must have happened in the war but I can't remember! Why can't I remember? (screaming) Ironic-- each of us on his own mission one paralleling and contrasting the other, both desperate attempts to retrieve lost memories of the war.
While I need to come to terms with the possibility of a future with a son I've never known, Duckman is driven to resolve the past and each must find his answer in the present, thus forming the kind of wonderful literary construction that would be at home in a great novel.
And to think-- Entertainment Weekly panned us.
Stay tuned.
There might even be a few clever plot twists left.
(yelling) Told you.
CORNFED: We seem to be trapped in one of the merciless torture-based P.
O.
W.
camps that our government says no longer exist.
What a relief.
I've got to get us out.
I've got to get to Mai Lin and find out the truth about my son.
(Duckman screaming) This place is making the flashbacks come again.
But it's worse now.
They're taking over, reducing me to a quivering, helpless heap of Jell-o.
And we'll be able to tell the difference from before how exactly? I feel them coming on.
Please! Can't somebody do something? (explosions, automatic gunfire) You can't go back in, Private! You'll never make it! (as Forrest Gump): I got to, Lieutenant.
Some things are just too important to leave behind.
(groaning) It's bad, Bubba.
It's pretty bad.
You're my best friend, Bubba.
I've never had a best friend before.
'Specially one who wants to go into the shrimpin' business with me after the war.
I'd do anything in the world to save your life, except I can only carry one of you.
Oh, well, Mama always said "Horny is as horny does.
" Okay, Sarge! I finished unclogging the septic tank, Sarge! (screaming): No! Please! Beat me, starve me, kill me but don't give me the Cronauer torture! (as Robin Williams): Good morning, Duckman! Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ.
And do schtick that's supposed to be improv but it's actually just the same stuff I always do.
People, people, work with me.
Happy-time, Cong.
Just 'cause you're Red, don't be blue.
Oh, I love what you are doing with your hair-- sort of bangs.
You walking in, but your hair is waving good-bye.
This one's for you-- a little something I call "Viva Da Nang.
" Thank you very much.
(as Gomer Pyle): Well, gollee! Surprise, surprise, surprise! * We represent the peacekeeping force * * The peacekeeping force, the peacekeeping force * That's enough! I'll tell you anything! Just stop now! Everybody down.
It's a chopper.
We're under attack! What's going on? While you were dissolving into a puddle of goo, I fashioned a crude helicopter using an old blow-dryer motor some palm fronds, and a few rubber bands I found lying around the cell.
Let's go.
(machine gun cocks) (screaming) Got to see my boy again.
Thank you, Nordic Track.
(yells) This is for you, son.
We love you, Cornfed! Yippee! Whoa, you're awesome.
(screaming) Cut! What the hell's going on? You've destroyed my set you idiot, you moron, you pint-sized pile of bacon grease.
What do you have to say for yourself? I'm rubber and you're glue.
DIRECTOR: A movie set is sacred, hallowed ground and on that set a director is God.
My people would die for me-- which, of course, is required, since I insist on complete authenticity by using real, live ammunition.
What better way to denounce war's senseless violence and killing than to project the real thing onto a 40-foot screen in all of its splendor and glory? Ooh, it's time to gaze at my reflection.
Wait a minute! A movie set.
It's coming back to me-- the trauma-- the thing I couldn't remember.
It was dark.
Soldiers everywhere.
We must have been stationed right in the heart of the action.
(applause and cheering) Ten-hut.
Listen up, everyone.
I, Duckman, projectionist extraordinaire, have procured a special treat.
WOMAN: Maybe I can "cock your gun," Rambone.
Oh, my God.
What's going on here? Let's get him, girls.
No! Don't hurt me! Please! I bruise easily.
Let me get this straight.
Your trauma is that you were a National Guard projectionist and you were beaten up by female officers 'cause you showed a porno film? (laughs hysterically) What about the flashbacks? P.
S.
A.
W.
F.
T.
S.
-- Post-Southeast-Asia- War-Film-Trauma Syndrome.
I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
He was flashing back to scenes from the 60-odd movies he's seen on the subject.
Wow.
And the scar? Probably where the film chafed me.
Hey, this is great.
Now I can put this whole thing behind me and get on with my life.
Not so fast.
Who's to say that the mere mention of a war movie won't send you into violent flashbacks? That's ridiculous, Bernice.
I'm cured.
Hamburger Hill.
(screaming) I knew this would come in handy some day.
I'm glad Duckman solved I mean, "is dealing with" his problem but I don't think I will ever find Mai Lin.
Cornfed? Mai Lin, is it really you? What are you doing here? I'm a consultant on this movie.
It's about the most emotional heart-wrenching period of my life.
And, if it's a hit, I get 12 gross points and a piece of the merchandising.
Am I in it? Of course, Cornfed.
(as Cornfed): Heidy-ho.
Not bad, though he fails to fully capture my Ozark twang.
Mai Lin, I don't quite know how to ask you this.
I'm not very good at being direct on this subject.
When we knew each other, did we do the do? Net the nasty? Join loins? Dance the horizontal hora? The wicked waltz? The naked two-step? Pump pig iron? Oh, Corny, you're still a charmer.
But the answer is no, we didn't.
But a boy came into my office and said he was my son.
You're the only one it could possibly have been with.
I'm sorry, Corny.
Our relationship was an island of beauty and culture and friendship, in the middle of all this death and destruction.
I'll always remember you but we didn't sleep together.
I don't have a son.
I'm due back.
I'd like a chance to talk before you go.
Well, did you boff her or not? Shut up, you insensitive worm.
And if I don't? I'll put you in a Full Metal Jacket! In Country! You'll be a Casualty of War on Jacob's Ladder at The Hanoi Hilton with Bat 21! Who'll Stop the Rain, Some Kind of Hero? (screams): No! Ng's not my son.
It was too good to be true.
I know how much this hurts me.
I can't imagine how he's gonna feel.
And here's Grandpa Urectal.
He fathered until Grandma laced his cereal with fabric softener.
Now that you've met our blood relatives, it's time to meet our extended family.
No! Stop this torture! I beg you! I'll confess.
I'll tell you everything.
My name's not "Ng.
" It's Frank Nolan.
I steal pictures and run cons on pigs.
I'm just a scammer who uses their credit cards to finance my way through dance school.
Please, take me to prison-- anything! Just don't make me listen to any more! (gasps) (car horn beeps, then a thud) I fought in one of history's most devastating wars.
Lives were lost, homes were destroyed but one ember suddenly glowed in the wake of all that destruction.
In the end, it's always about families being torn apart.
I thought it'd be nice if, just once, a family was created out of war.
For a fleeting moment, I knew what it was like to have a son to call my own.
I hope he knows no father could have loved him more.
I hope I get another chance to have a family.
I'm sorry, Cornfed.
I know how you must feel but, always remember, you do have a family.
You have us.
(screaming) Want some of the raisins I found in that chicken coop, Uncle Cornfed? (screaming continues) Mai Lin, wait! We could start a family now.
It's not too late.
Mai Lin, please? It'll only take a minute-- literally.
Mai Lin, think of what a child will do for your movie's demographics!