Everybody Loves Raymond s02e07 Episode Script

- Ally, no Popsicles before dinner.
- When is dinner? As soon as Daddy gets home.
See, that's him right now.
- See, it's working fine.
- Just check it.
- Frank, Marie, what are you doing out here? - Fixing your light.
We didn't want to disturb you during dinner.
But your motion-sensor light is not working properly.
It seems to be working just fine.
Now, yes, but something must be wrong with it because it didn't go on when Raymond came home.
No, Ray's not home yet.
Did you get us that light so you would know when Ray gets home? Also for your protection.
Instead of you looking for that light we could just send white smoke up the chimney.
No, I wouldn't want to bother you.
No, the light system works fine.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra my 6-year-old daughter and twin 2-year-old boys.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would defy gravity for you but mine would because Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't - Hello? - Frank.
No, never mind.
It's not the light.
I know.
God forbid you should ever listen to me.
But, Ray, you promised.
Come on, I made lemon chicken and everything.
He's not coming home for dinner? It might be the lemon chicken.
Yeah, she's here.
Yeah, so's your dad.
- Pretty much everyone but you, again.
- I smell lemon chicken.
It's no good.
No, I understand.
Yeah, okay.
I'll save you some.
Okay.
Bye.
- That's terrible.
It's just terrible.
- What? Raymond doesn't come home for dinner.
Marie, Ray has the kind of job where he just can't leave at 5:00.
You know, games go into overtime, and players have to be interviewed.
Lots of things come up at the last minute.
Let me ask you this delicately.
Is it possible he doesn't want to come home? What's the blunt version of that, you kick me as you say it? No! I just read an article about this very thing in the New York Times.
We get Newsday every day.
What are you buying the Times for? I like the obituaries.
They're very well written.
- You don't even know those people.
- I feeI that I do after I read about them.
So you've got a bunch of new friends, all dead.
Frank, Marie.
So what did the article say? According to some new research a lot of people stay at work longer than they have to.
They're happier at the office.
It's easier.
Yeah, there's friends and chitchat, whereas at home - there are kids, and mess, and - Nagging.
I don't think that Ray would Now I've upset you.
Forget everything I just said.
You know what? It's probably just the lemon chicken.
All right, Barone lines up for the kick.
The look of determination.
Or is that stupidity? It's a tough kick.
Barone's been battling a hangnaiI all season.
All right, already! Are you ever off? - Come on, a little lower, Andy.
- It's into the wind.
It's a bit of a drizzle, too.
Here it is.
Here's the kick, it's up.
It's good! Hey, my wife's here, everybody.
Hey, my wife.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? - I brought you dinner.
- What? Really? Okay.
- Yeah.
I thought you were working, I thought you had a column due.
I do.
- I do.
It's a tough one, too.
- The one on paper football? No.
I know this looks bad but writing doesn't only happen when you're writing.
A big part of writing is actually the thinking.
Sometimes you're just thinking, and you've got to just say: Stop thinking about it, so you can just really "think about it.
" That's what we were doing here with the paper football thing just letting the thoughts jell up.
I know.
Look, it sounds crazy, but that is the writing process.
So now you know.
- Yes, I do.
- Come on, what? Come on.
- We're just working here.
- Pizza in the house! All right.
Pizza? What, did somebody have a baby? - Hey, Debra.
- Dave.
If she's eating, it's coming out of your slices.
- Yeah.
- I am an idiot.
- You're not.
- Come on.
I've been staying up late to reheat food for you.
I know, and I love it.
- Come on.
Is that lemon chicken? I love it.
- Your mom was right.
No, that's crazy talk.
She read this article in The New York Times about people like you - who'd rather be at work than at home.
- I wouldn't rather be at work.
Believe me, I wish I wasn't here right now.
Why not? I mean, this is a lot more fun than cleaning up and raising kids and paying the bills.
Boy, I wish I had someplace to hide out.
I'm not hiding out.
I'm earning a living.
Which was your idea, I believe.
Come on, don't you think I'd rather be with you guys? If you want pizza, you'd better get in there, they're animals! All right! WheeI of fortune! - We're kind of busy here, Andy.
- That is so easy! "It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
" I got it in two letters.
Ray usually needs four.
Yeah.
Could you maybe watch that in the other room, please? Look, I'm sorry.
They got the game highlights on.
They're like nuts in there with the sports.
- So this is working, huh? - This is part of work.
- Yeah.
You could do this at home, Ray.
- You thinking of working at home, Ray? What? No, Andy, that's not what we're talking about.
- I mean, that would be great, but I can't.
- Why not? That one guy does.
Oh, my God.
They've got "fat lad sings," they still can't get it! - Who works at home, Andy? - Golden from the Post.
They set him up with a satellite dish, a fax, and a modem.
- He never has to leave the house.
- You ever read his stuff? It's like he's phoning it in.
Because, well, he is.
- So you don't want to? - I do.
- I don't think my boss would let me.
- You said your boss liked you.
Likes him? They share a coffee mug.
We do not, Andy.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
It's obvious you don't want to be home, Ray.
I do.
Look, I'll talk to Bill tomorrow.
Bill's in there.
Thank you, Andy.
I'll miss you.
- Okay, kids, say goodbye to Daddy.
- Why isn't Daddy going to work? Daddy's at work.
I'm working at home.
Can I go to schooI at home? No.
You wouldn't like it.
None of your friends are here, no one to talk to, all alone.
You'll be fine.
Me? I'm happy.
Look at me, I'm going to work in my bathrobe.
I'm like Hugh Hefner, minus everything good about his life.
- Look, the guy's here with your stuff.
- Yeah.
- Ray Barone? - Yeah.
Guy from tech support.
Your satellite dish is in the truck I got your fax machine and your modem.
Where do you want it? The office.
I want it back at the office.
I want to be back at my office.
Where do you want it? - Hook it up downstairs.
- Where? Right through that door there.
CarefuI.
Don't fall and break it.
Unless you want $30.
You heard me.
So what's going on at work? Lunch? Hey, don't order the meatball sandwich.
No, it's great.
Everything's great here.
Yeah, I got one of those nice home-office setup things.
Yeah.
- Hello! Anybody home? - Hey, I got to go.
- Debra? Are you down there? - I'm not dressed! - Raymond? - He's not dressed either.
What are you doing home? Come on down.
Raymond's home.
- Oh, boy.
- What are you doing in your robe, darling? - You sick? - No.
You were fired? I wasn't fired.
I wanted to work at home, so I'd have more time to spend with my family.
That's so nice.
You want to spend more time with us.
No.
This family.
My family.
I can remember when we were your family.
Anyway, I got a lot of work to do Let me ask you, do these pants look all right to you? Are you still growing? She hemmed them.
They're two inches too short.
It's nice to see a little sock.
Ma, I'm out there with criminals, okay? It's life or death.
I have to be taken seriously.
Why don't you make them into shorts, like the mailman? The mailman? You're so unappreciative, Robert.
Okay, Ma, fine.
I just won't get out of the squad car, okay? Let's hope there's no crime today.
That'll give me time to just maybe go by the post office and I can talk about fashion tips with the other mailmen.
All right, thanks for stopping by and whatever.
- Look at that.
- Yeah, that's a fax machine, Ma.
I've got a lot of important faxes coming in, and I gotta get to them, all right? - What's this one? - This is from Dave.
Apparently he's faxed me his buttocks.
I don't like that, Raymond.
Yeah, I got it, Dave.
Thanks.
Yeah.
My mom's looking at it right now.
Never mind, "What is she wearing?" - All right, listen, Ma, I got a lot of stuff - Ray! - Yes, Deb, I'm coming right up.
- He's working! Ma, it's okay, all right? I need a little break now.
How would you sit on one of those? - Hey, you're home.
- Yeah.
- Good.
Look, Mom's here.
- Ray, what happened here? Coffee pot.
There was a little bit in there when I went downstairs.
Okay, I'll fix it.
No, don't.
Just remember next time to shut it off, okay? Unless you want the fire department to come and shut it off.
Will they do that? - Marie, what is this? - That's not mine, dear.
Dave wanted to see if the fax machine was working, and that's the test.
That's Dave.
Didn't recognize him without his cigarette.
Yeah, he's trying to quit.
You want to help me unload the bags from the car? You know, I would, but I've got to get back to work.
- Yeah, but it'll just take five minutes.
- Hey, I'm working at home which means that I'm home, but I'm working, you know? When I'm here during the day, you should just pretend that I'm not here.
Okay, all right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
- All right, I'll help with the bags.
- Don't be silly, sweetie.
No, there's no problem, I'm here.
You go to work, Raymond - and I can help Debra.
- No! That way, everybody'll be happy.
Cookies from a log.
You heat them up.
Well, that's almost baking.
It was the best of games, it was the worst of games.
Dear readers, as you must have realized by now "I am a fraud.
" Hey, Geoffrey.
What, are you home from preschooI already? - Yeah.
- Yeah? What have you got? Your Tortoise and the Hare disc.
I can't play now.
Daddy's working.
Come on, see? Daddy's doing his column.
Don't look yet.
Don't you wanna go upstairs and play? Mommy's got pudding.
Now come here.
- Come on.
Let's see what we got.
- I gonna read it.
- Wanna put this on? - Put this on.
Look, your brother's here, too.
Yeah.
This is like the ice-cream truck, this music.
Come on.
Let's see what we got.
Mrs.
Hare.
Let's click on her.
Hey, Ray.
There's a traiI of ants leading to a half-eaten sandwich up there.
Have them bring it down.
Dishes in the sink, okay? Boys, come on, we can't bother Daddy while he's working.
We got to go pick up Ally.
Come on.
You know what? They don't have to go.
What do you mean? You told me to pretend you weren't here.
Yeah, I know, but look, if I'm gonna work at home, this is part of home, right? Okay, if you're sure you're gonna be okay, 'cause I got errands to run and I'm okay.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
All right, let's see.
Double shot, one head to the other! Give me a high-five! High-five on the nose.
High-five on the nose.
Here's a little game.
If you're happy and you know it, smack your dad, hey! Wisenheimer.
That calls for a belly sandwich.
All right, put the kids away.
The game is on.
- What game? - Any game.
We saw the satellite dish.
- You got games floating around all over.
- Yeah, pull something down.
You know, I've got to get back to work.
I've been interrupted all day here.
Look at all those channels.
That's a gift from God.
- Did work pay for this, too? - Yeah.
- Well, maybe - I can't get you one.
- How about for me? - No.
- Maybe a discount - Nothing.
- At least you could ask.
- Shut up! Just watch.
Wait, what is this? Hawaii Five-O! - Hey, what language is that? - Holy crap, that's Korean! - Leave this on! - This is coming in from Korea? - Yeah.
- Hey, anybody wanna order pizza? I could've been a pretty good hockey player.
You know, I'm big, had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.
Yeah, but eventually, you would've had to let go of the side.
- Hey, pizza! - Hey! Ballerina! Ray, what's going on? I thought you were gonna be working.
I am working.
See? PenciI.
Ray, can I talk to you? I'm working.
In the kitchen, please? - I'll call you if there are any fights.
- I may be calling you.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna clean it all up right now.
Where are the twins? Are they under here somewhere? - They're napping.
- They're napping? It's 5:00, Ray.
They're gonna be up all night now! I know, I couldn't help it.
They fell asleep during "Hawaii Bing-Bao.
" I know you did this for me, and I really appreciate you trying What is this stuck to my non-stick pan? - Those are crayons.
It's a funny story - No, don't.
You know what? You're probably not getting too much work done here, are you? Actually I'm getting all the games, and I like watching them without pants.
I know, but, like, I see all these distractions, you know? Your mother, and the kids, your father, your brother.
Your mother.
What I'm saying is, if you want to go back to the office, I will understand.
- You're the one who told me - I know, Ray.
I was wrong, okay? Go back to the office! I can't take it! I can't live this way! - What are you talking about? - Just get out! - All right, calm down! - I can't! Look at the coffee pot! Again, Ray! And the schmutz is all dripping out, and Look at them! God! Don't you miss your friends? All right, I'll go back.
I thought I was doing this for you.
Thanks, no.
You've done enough for me.
Really.
Okay? - It's just that - What? I was playing with the kids today, and it was kind of fun.
I like seeing them when they just come home from schooI.
They tell me about their lunch, their snack, and I got the boo-boo report.
It's nice.
Yeah, I know, but, I mean, I know you and you're gonna get tired of that after a while, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
I don't need to hear it again.
- But it was fun today.
- Good.
Then that's good.
So you'll go? I don't get you.
You weren't happy when I wasn't here, and now you're not happy when I am here.
Yes, it's confusing, isn't it? Well, I guess that what I want is for you to want to be here but not actually be here.
I can do that.
- I can want to be here whenever you want.
- Good.
And maybe you could just try to be home for dinner sometimes.
I will.
Okay, good.
Thanks, Ray.
You wanna go back to your game? I could pretend I'm at the office, and just, you know, take a little break.
Just like at the office.
'Pumpkin man.
"'Why are you looking at me like that?' said the worm.
" - You wanna do a chapter? - You're the one who had to give them a nap.
You keep reading.
- What time do the cartoons start? -5:00 a.
m.
- Right.
Come on.
We're going downstairs.
- Going downstairs.
- Why? - Maybe there's cartoons on in Korea.