F is For Family (2015) s02e07 Episode Script
Fight Night
1 [moaning.]
[sighs.]
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- Oh, this was a mistake.
- Oh, man.
Did I put it in the wrong place? How old are you? - Fourteen.
- Fourteen? - And a half.
- Oh, my God! I thought you were just short! You got to go! We shouldn't have done this! - You're the one who started it! - Why'd you have a boner? Because I could see your boobs! What was I supposed to do? You have to get out of here right now! If Vic finds us here like this, he'll go crazy! [door slams.]
Stupid dick! [Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing.]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts.]
Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [boom.]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
[sighs.]
Sue, as I mentioned many times yesterday, I am very sorry I took that money.
I didn't know you needed it.
- Okay.
- So you're saying we're okay? I'm saying that I'm acknowledging that I heard what you said.
[sighs.]
Look, it's just that I don't want us to be like this with each other.
Especially today.
It's such an important day.
Oh, Frank! You did remember! That's all I need! I love that you finally care about my work.
I'm so nervous about meeting Henrietta Van Horne today.
I mean, she founded the company.
If she likes the Salad Tosser, it doesn't matter what Tracy said.
It's a go.
Sue, it's our anniversary.
Oh, shit! I forgot our anniversary! Now I'm sorry! See? We all make mistakes.
Exactly equal mistakes.
You're sorry, I'm sorry.
But it doesn't mean we still can't have a great anniversary.
Let's go on a date.
Oh, honey, we haven't done anything like that in years.
I know.
It's exactly what we need.
It'll be like the old days.
I'll take you to an early movie, we can go to a nice restaurant, we can get to second base in the back seat.
Don't you have to work tonight? Oh, well, Smokey will just have to find someone to cover me for a change.
That would be great.
I'll wear that dress you like.
I'll wear that tie from our first date.
It still has that hollandaise sauce stain on it.
I love that stain.
It looks like Barbara Stanwyck.
That's what I was wearing when I gave you that locket.
Right.
The locket.
And remember what we did after I gave you that locket? I think you do.
That's my little anniversary present.
Ooh.
I think that's a big present.
I woke up with it.
Oh, wait.
The kids are downstairs.
Oh, gotcha.
I'll get the door.
And I'll put on a little present you can unwrap.
Little music to help the mood? [radio DJ.]
Faulty wiring is being blamed for a four-alarm house fire that killed a family of nine - and a stable of horses in Ryetown - Jesus! Ready for loving.
Frank, make an effort.
My feet get cold.
Oh, ow.
- Oh, you cut me with your toenail.
- You told me to take my socks off.
- Oh, my balls! - I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Okay, here we go.
Starting over again.
Yeah.
Oh, that perfume smells really [sneezes and farts.]
- Oh, Jesus, Frank! - I'm sorry! [Frank.]
Oh - Honey, I don't think this is happening.
- Okay.
That wasn't us at our best, but tonight's gonna be a great night.
Sure it will.
[door opens, closes.]
- [shower running.]
- At this point, I'd settle for average.
Mr.
Jeffords, I want all my fans to know that was not my jacket the cops found the illegal substance in.
So it was your jacket? That is correct, Jim.
This is my jacket.
Dad, what does "illegal substance" mean? It means turn on a cartoon.
Okay, I'll see you at three.
And I don't need an anniversary gift.
My present is you.
And mine is you.
Good luck today! Thanks! - Isn't she great? - So, what are you gonna get her? She just said she doesn't want a gift.
That means you better get her one and it better be good.
Ah, Christ.
Why do you women play these mind games? No means yes.
Yes means no.
Don't drive drunk.
- Just say what you mean! - That's no fun.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
Do I have to go to school today? Nah, you know what? Take the day off.
- Really? - Fuck no.
Get a-moving, you'll be late.
But I've been up since 5:30, and it's cold out, and I'm tired from my route.
And I'm tired from your bitching.
What's the point of it all anyway? The point is that's life, and life has no point.
You work hard, you get ahead, you start a family, and the kids don't appreciate you.
Next thing you know, you're old, no one comes around anymore, and you're staring at the wall.
One day, the neighbors notice a funny smell, and that's when they figure out the cat's eating your face.
So go to school! My dad's so full of shit.
"Work hard, you'll be rewarded.
Get bigger balls.
" His balls aren't that big.
They're disgusting.
Get to school, you little shit! I'm going, I'm going! He doesn't even know what grade I'm in.
School's a bunch of bullshit too.
Let's skip today.
- I can't do that.
- Sure you can! It's just one day, nobody's gonna miss us.
And we can go anywhere we want now that we got rid of Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
You made that awful boy go away? Oh, he was evil.
He made me see the other side of sterilization.
Bless you, boys! [humming tune.]
Uh-oh.
Mr.
Shicklegruber knows our dark secret.
If Jimmy ever finds out Jimmy's gone.
Come on.
Lighten up.
Just cut with me.
I don't know.
I have a perfect attendance record.
I've got my eyes on that big end-of-the-year pizza party.
Last year, it was just me and the lunch ladies.
Come on! It'll be fun.
Just do it.
Well, okay.
I'm allergic to cheese, wheat, tomatoes, and water anyway.
Tracy thinks we're in Ryetown, right? Yep.
I told him Julie had another butter tub emergency.
That fat, hoarding, cheese-smelling pile of psoriasis scabs is a real lifesaver.
Vivian Saunders, as I live and breathe.
And who might you be? Sue, ma'am.
Sue Murphy.
Oh, now don't you "ma'am" me.
I may live in a mansion, but I'm still the same plain housewife who invented a burping bowl and became filthy stinking rich.
Come in.
And invite your chauffeur in too.
- We drove ourselves.
- [laughs.]
Oh, my God, you're serious.
Henrietta, we gals sure miss you around the office.
Oh, thanks, but I don't miss it for one second.
I'm content just to sit here, collect my nickel royalty for every bowl sold, and admire my collection of antique monkey paws.
You know, it's almost impossible to find an un-cursed set.
But since you came all the way out here, what's this new idea you want to tell me about? What is the biggest problem you face in the kitchen? My maids getting deported.
It's funny, the skinny ones can run, but the fat ones seem to clean better.
Oh, yeah.
I know what you mean.
But Wet lettuce.
Right.
Wet lettuce.
Luckily, Sue has invented a handy device that can gently and efficiently dry your lettuce in seconds.
May I present the Salad Tosser.
And I care about it because? Oh, yes, right.
The pitch.
No pressure, dear.
Your five minutes began 46 seconds ago.
- [timer ticking.]
- [clears throat.]
Chester, put some elbow grease in them titties! [phone rings.]
Champagne Chariot, not responsible for broken condoms.
Anyone who gets fucked with a bowling alley rubber deserves to get pregnant.
Smokey speaking.
Smokey [coughs.]
it's Frank Murphy.
Frank Murphy, my favorite sugar shover.
Hey, you don't sound so good.
I don't feel so good.
I'm sorry, but I got the flu or something.
Don't think I can make it in tonight.
I'm so sorry you ain't feeling good.
Why don't you come on down so I can take your rectal temperature with my goddamn foot, you lying motherfucker? Smokey, I'm sorry, but tonight's my anniversary and I haven't Your anniversary? Oh, that's important! Don't come in tonight.
What'd you get her? I still have to go to the store.
Man, get off the goddamn phone and get your woman a nice present before she ends up like my wife and starts fucking everybody in the goddamn neighborhood! And congratulations! Well, back to work.
One, two, three, baby! One, two, three, baby! [Bill.]
Yeah! Now you break something.
I don't think I want to.
You're such a goody-goody with your perfect family and your dad who doesn't yell at you.
Mine doesn't even ask me about the hockey tryouts he forgot to take me to! [grunts.]
It's your turn! Do something! Okay.
Um That's a start.
Sorry, Mom.
Hey, you guys cut school today, too? No.
We get home-schooled by an owl.
Our daddy glued one of them professor hats to his head.
He kept spinning his neck around trying to make it fall off, but then he gived up.
Hey, you guys want to do something really fun? - Yeah! - No.
Let's go to the supermarket and lick some meat! [Bill.]
I got a better idea.
What if we stuff these clothes with some leaves and dirt and threw it at a car? We can't do that.
It's dangerous.
It'll be fun! Come on, you're making a big deal out of nothing! [Ben.]
Holy shit! Who left the seat up? Jesus Christ.
What am I, the Shah of Iran? Frank? Frank Murphy? Oh, fuck me.
Hey, Ginny.
Greg.
Oh, I love hearing our names together.
I love women! I love putting my tongue in her head! I'd love to chat, but today's our anniversary and I got to buy Sue a present.
Congratulations! Oh, I'm so happy you two have what Greg and I do.
Marriage is a lot of work.
So much work.
It's important to do things together as a couple.
Like, you caught us on Greg's "Pants Shopping Day.
" Every Thursday at noon, Greg's got to look at pants in this very store.
He's such a man.
Excuse me, lover, I have to go try these on.
He's always in room three.
Oh, he's so superstitious.
Good seeing you, Ginny, but I got to go pick out something nice for Sue.
Feeling pressured to get a good gift? Pressure? No! Why would I feel any pressure? Good for you for going the extra mile.
Greg and I have learned that the secret to a happy marriage is being in touch with what your partner needs.
Let me give you a tip.
[Greg.]
Oh, the tip! It's important to show your love in small ways, and sometimes very big and expensive ways.
Jesus, I got to get Sue something really good.
The jewelry department's on the second floor, right? [Greg.]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Thanks, pal! "No longer will your salad be held prisoner by the forces of moisture.
Caesar the day with the Salad Tosser.
" [timer stops.]
Well, that was uninspiring.
Thank you for wasting what's left of my morning.
- Show them out, Huddleston! - But Henrietta this is a great idea! I hear great ideas all day long.
I don't buy ideas, I buy passion! You think you can just waltz in here, read your little book report and voila, you're a millionaire? I've got passion! Well, then I feel very sorry for your husband.
- You have no right to say that to me! - Sue, stop it.
No, you stop it.
I'll tell you something about passion.
- I worked my ass off on this invention.
- Well, clearly not all of it.
I came up with this idea when my secondhand washing machine broke down.
I spent all night building a mock-up in my garage.
I sold a precious locket that my husband gave me to pay for this prototype that you have the gall to say I don't have passion for! And this is a great idea! And if you can't see that, then you don't deserve the name Mrs.
Plast-a-Ware! Oh, Sue.
I haven't slow clapped since Kennedy was shot.
You passed the test, Sue.
That's how you sell a product and that's the kind of passion I can get behind! You really mean it? Sue, once upon a time, I was a young housewife, just like you: poor, overweight, no sense of style or elegance.
But then I invented a container out of a new space-age material called plastic.
And with that first bowl, came the sound of a revolution: The Big Burp.
Sue, this invention is your Big Burp.
And just like I said to my high school choir director, I want this baby! And I want to sell this baby! So, you'll recommend it to Tracy? Fuck him! This is mine! It's the product I need to get my company back from those pricks who pushed me out.
Girls, next week at the stockholder meeting, when they expect me to just show up and pose for pictures, we'll spring the Salad Tosser on them! That's wonderful! Now, bring it in, ladies.
[together.]
Sisters unite! It comes with me everywhere.
Kevin Murphy! There you are! Ah! It was her idea! Don't kill me! What was that rocking tune I heard coming out of your basement last night? You guys are sounding great! I felt that song in my balls.
And coming from your balls, that means a lot.
My main Monocles, how'd you like to play at a party I'm throwing this weekend? It'd be the kittay's tittays! Oh! A party at your house? All the guys from the station are gonna be there.
Record company suits.
My dwarf buddies.
My sensei, guys from the dojo, purple belts and above.
Yes! We will be there and we will rock you so hard! It's for Cutie Pie's birthday! She's just the greatest chick a dude could ever have.
Kevin, maybe you'll get a girl like her someday.
What day? Not yesterday! Cutie Pie makes my heart race.
She makes me sweat a lot.
She makes me feel like there's a hole in my nose.
I freaking love that girl! I want her to have her babies, man! Hey, Kevin! What are you doing here? Oh, man, I need to lie down.
I drive better like this, anyway.
I like to look under the steering wheel! It's a leather rainbow! - [horn honks.]
- [Vic laughs.]
- Oh, shit.
- Now we're playing a party! After struggling for two weeks, we finally made it! This is gonna be so rad to the max! That effigy looks like your dad.
Yeah.
My stupid dad.
Let's throw him in the road.
Our daddy ran over a dummy once, but that dummy was filled with people blood.
We stayed in Mexico that summer and Daddy grew a beard.
Oh man, here comes a car! - Throw him! - Wait, no! Don't throw it! Why'd you do that? You were gonna cause an accident! On purpose! Come on, we're trying to have fun! This is not fun.
Jesus, you are such a pussy! I don't want to be friends with you anymore.
Ah! A person! [laughing.]
Pussy.
[Frank.]
God damn it.
Stop ripping.
Fucking Charlie Brown.
Bald loser who can't direct a play.
[Sue.]
I'm all ready.
Wow.
Sue, you look beautiful.
Thanks.
Somebody today told me I look fat.
No, no, no.
Who would say that? You're gorgeous.
Really? Yeah, come here.
[phone rings.]
Does it ever fail? Let the machine pick it up.
[robotic voice.]
Leave a message at the tone.
[beeps.]
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, this is Vice Principal Eugene Menard Christ, what the fuck did Kevin do now? from Southwick Elementary.
Oh, don't tell me Bill's in trouble.
I need you to come to the school as soon as you can to discuss a matter of some importance about your daughter.
[both.]
Huh? Hi.
Can we make this quick? It's our anniversary, and we have a date planned.
So what is it? Lice, mumps, she kiss a boy? Please tell me it's a boy.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, we held a State Mathematics Assessment Test recently.
Maureen got a perfect score.
That's wonderful! Yeah! You know, you could've just told us on the phone.
No girl has ever achieved that highly.
Until five years ago, girls weren't even allowed to take the test.
It was believed to make them barren.
So, obviously, Maureen cheated.
Or she can never have children.
You think she cheated? - You cheated?! - No, I didn't! She sat next to the only other student who got a perfect score.
Scott, will you come in? This is Scott Ichikawa.
As you can see, Scott is a boy.
An Oriental boy.
- They're really smart.
- How could you?! - I didn't cheat off him! - Yes, you did! Aw, Christ, another kid down the drain.
I am so sorry.
This kind of thing never happened when I was watching the kids.
This is my fault? You're the one who left her family.
I had to work after you lost your job.
Oh, well, happy anniversary to you, too.
Not that you care about our anniversary.
You forgot it.
And I got you a beautiful ashtray made out of crystal.
That's practically diamonds.
If we could bring the discussion back to your daughter's cheating on a test.
You should be thanking me.
I got a job and kept this family fed when you weren't pulling your weight.
I'm pulling my weight now! I bust my ass six nights a week, feeling every bump in the goddamn road because I provide a valuable service! I make people happy! Well, you're not making me happy.
I never see you.
You're not my husband, you're my roommate.
You get home when I'm leaving.
You leave when I get home.
You spend more time in that stupid truck than you do with me! Well, at least the truck doesn't judge me.
You should be glad I called Rosie to get that job, because now I can Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You told me you got that job from the Employment Office.
I never said that.
I said I went down there.
- You said you got it from there! - All right, I lied! I fucking lied! Is that what you want to hear? No! Nobody wants to hear that! But I didn't take a handout! I'm bringing money in! You took money from me! Why the fuck are you hiding money from me anyways? I thought we were a team! I had to hide it so you wouldn't blow it on another fucking TV! Oh! Oh! You're gonna throw the TV in my face? I didn't hear you complaining when you were watching the Rose Bowl parade.
"Ooh, Frank! Look at the begonias!" You stole from me! And because of that, I had to pawn that locket you gave to get my invention made! You hocked our locket for your little salad thing?! And you're busting my chops about how I got my job? You know what? Just go! Never come home, for all I care! Be with your precious truck and your rubbers! Well, if I had a rubber 15 years ago, we wouldn't be here today! You said you had control! I said that in the missionary position! You're the one who turned over! Stop it! Stop yelling! Okay, okay, I cheated! I cheated off Maureen! She's the genius! I hate school! I'm the only one in my family who doesn't like books! I want to ride motocross! They will call me Mr.
Moto Cross! Just let me go home! [Scott sobbing.]
Oh, my God.
Now can I join computer club? Good fucking grief.
[phone ringing.]
Bob Pogo.
Bob, it's Frank Murphy, I didn't think you'd be there this late.
- What do you want - Please just hear me out.
I'm sorry I left you on the side of the road yesterday.
If your offer to give me my job back still stands, I'll do it.
I'll help you take down Scoop Dunbarton.
You think I'd bring you back after what you did to me and that innocent Puerto Rican who went to jail for our sins? Well, you're right, I would.
I got to get rid of Scoop! Thank you, Frank.
I knew you'd have pity on me.
I'm not doing this for you.
I need to save my marriage, and the only way to do that is to get my old day job again.
Meet me tomorrow.
We have no time to waste.
Who wants ice cream? [Pogo.]
No! It burns! The ice cream burns! [thunder rumbles.]
A little rain? Is that all you got, you pussy? [thunder rumbles.]
[sighs.]
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- Oh, this was a mistake.
- Oh, man.
Did I put it in the wrong place? How old are you? - Fourteen.
- Fourteen? - And a half.
- Oh, my God! I thought you were just short! You got to go! We shouldn't have done this! - You're the one who started it! - Why'd you have a boner? Because I could see your boobs! What was I supposed to do? You have to get out of here right now! If Vic finds us here like this, he'll go crazy! [door slams.]
Stupid dick! [Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing.]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts.]
Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [boom.]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
[sighs.]
Sue, as I mentioned many times yesterday, I am very sorry I took that money.
I didn't know you needed it.
- Okay.
- So you're saying we're okay? I'm saying that I'm acknowledging that I heard what you said.
[sighs.]
Look, it's just that I don't want us to be like this with each other.
Especially today.
It's such an important day.
Oh, Frank! You did remember! That's all I need! I love that you finally care about my work.
I'm so nervous about meeting Henrietta Van Horne today.
I mean, she founded the company.
If she likes the Salad Tosser, it doesn't matter what Tracy said.
It's a go.
Sue, it's our anniversary.
Oh, shit! I forgot our anniversary! Now I'm sorry! See? We all make mistakes.
Exactly equal mistakes.
You're sorry, I'm sorry.
But it doesn't mean we still can't have a great anniversary.
Let's go on a date.
Oh, honey, we haven't done anything like that in years.
I know.
It's exactly what we need.
It'll be like the old days.
I'll take you to an early movie, we can go to a nice restaurant, we can get to second base in the back seat.
Don't you have to work tonight? Oh, well, Smokey will just have to find someone to cover me for a change.
That would be great.
I'll wear that dress you like.
I'll wear that tie from our first date.
It still has that hollandaise sauce stain on it.
I love that stain.
It looks like Barbara Stanwyck.
That's what I was wearing when I gave you that locket.
Right.
The locket.
And remember what we did after I gave you that locket? I think you do.
That's my little anniversary present.
Ooh.
I think that's a big present.
I woke up with it.
Oh, wait.
The kids are downstairs.
Oh, gotcha.
I'll get the door.
And I'll put on a little present you can unwrap.
Little music to help the mood? [radio DJ.]
Faulty wiring is being blamed for a four-alarm house fire that killed a family of nine - and a stable of horses in Ryetown - Jesus! Ready for loving.
Frank, make an effort.
My feet get cold.
Oh, ow.
- Oh, you cut me with your toenail.
- You told me to take my socks off.
- Oh, my balls! - I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Okay, here we go.
Starting over again.
Yeah.
Oh, that perfume smells really [sneezes and farts.]
- Oh, Jesus, Frank! - I'm sorry! [Frank.]
Oh - Honey, I don't think this is happening.
- Okay.
That wasn't us at our best, but tonight's gonna be a great night.
Sure it will.
[door opens, closes.]
- [shower running.]
- At this point, I'd settle for average.
Mr.
Jeffords, I want all my fans to know that was not my jacket the cops found the illegal substance in.
So it was your jacket? That is correct, Jim.
This is my jacket.
Dad, what does "illegal substance" mean? It means turn on a cartoon.
Okay, I'll see you at three.
And I don't need an anniversary gift.
My present is you.
And mine is you.
Good luck today! Thanks! - Isn't she great? - So, what are you gonna get her? She just said she doesn't want a gift.
That means you better get her one and it better be good.
Ah, Christ.
Why do you women play these mind games? No means yes.
Yes means no.
Don't drive drunk.
- Just say what you mean! - That's no fun.
[groans.]
[sighs.]
Do I have to go to school today? Nah, you know what? Take the day off.
- Really? - Fuck no.
Get a-moving, you'll be late.
But I've been up since 5:30, and it's cold out, and I'm tired from my route.
And I'm tired from your bitching.
What's the point of it all anyway? The point is that's life, and life has no point.
You work hard, you get ahead, you start a family, and the kids don't appreciate you.
Next thing you know, you're old, no one comes around anymore, and you're staring at the wall.
One day, the neighbors notice a funny smell, and that's when they figure out the cat's eating your face.
So go to school! My dad's so full of shit.
"Work hard, you'll be rewarded.
Get bigger balls.
" His balls aren't that big.
They're disgusting.
Get to school, you little shit! I'm going, I'm going! He doesn't even know what grade I'm in.
School's a bunch of bullshit too.
Let's skip today.
- I can't do that.
- Sure you can! It's just one day, nobody's gonna miss us.
And we can go anywhere we want now that we got rid of Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
You made that awful boy go away? Oh, he was evil.
He made me see the other side of sterilization.
Bless you, boys! [humming tune.]
Uh-oh.
Mr.
Shicklegruber knows our dark secret.
If Jimmy ever finds out Jimmy's gone.
Come on.
Lighten up.
Just cut with me.
I don't know.
I have a perfect attendance record.
I've got my eyes on that big end-of-the-year pizza party.
Last year, it was just me and the lunch ladies.
Come on! It'll be fun.
Just do it.
Well, okay.
I'm allergic to cheese, wheat, tomatoes, and water anyway.
Tracy thinks we're in Ryetown, right? Yep.
I told him Julie had another butter tub emergency.
That fat, hoarding, cheese-smelling pile of psoriasis scabs is a real lifesaver.
Vivian Saunders, as I live and breathe.
And who might you be? Sue, ma'am.
Sue Murphy.
Oh, now don't you "ma'am" me.
I may live in a mansion, but I'm still the same plain housewife who invented a burping bowl and became filthy stinking rich.
Come in.
And invite your chauffeur in too.
- We drove ourselves.
- [laughs.]
Oh, my God, you're serious.
Henrietta, we gals sure miss you around the office.
Oh, thanks, but I don't miss it for one second.
I'm content just to sit here, collect my nickel royalty for every bowl sold, and admire my collection of antique monkey paws.
You know, it's almost impossible to find an un-cursed set.
But since you came all the way out here, what's this new idea you want to tell me about? What is the biggest problem you face in the kitchen? My maids getting deported.
It's funny, the skinny ones can run, but the fat ones seem to clean better.
Oh, yeah.
I know what you mean.
But Wet lettuce.
Right.
Wet lettuce.
Luckily, Sue has invented a handy device that can gently and efficiently dry your lettuce in seconds.
May I present the Salad Tosser.
And I care about it because? Oh, yes, right.
The pitch.
No pressure, dear.
Your five minutes began 46 seconds ago.
- [timer ticking.]
- [clears throat.]
Chester, put some elbow grease in them titties! [phone rings.]
Champagne Chariot, not responsible for broken condoms.
Anyone who gets fucked with a bowling alley rubber deserves to get pregnant.
Smokey speaking.
Smokey [coughs.]
it's Frank Murphy.
Frank Murphy, my favorite sugar shover.
Hey, you don't sound so good.
I don't feel so good.
I'm sorry, but I got the flu or something.
Don't think I can make it in tonight.
I'm so sorry you ain't feeling good.
Why don't you come on down so I can take your rectal temperature with my goddamn foot, you lying motherfucker? Smokey, I'm sorry, but tonight's my anniversary and I haven't Your anniversary? Oh, that's important! Don't come in tonight.
What'd you get her? I still have to go to the store.
Man, get off the goddamn phone and get your woman a nice present before she ends up like my wife and starts fucking everybody in the goddamn neighborhood! And congratulations! Well, back to work.
One, two, three, baby! One, two, three, baby! [Bill.]
Yeah! Now you break something.
I don't think I want to.
You're such a goody-goody with your perfect family and your dad who doesn't yell at you.
Mine doesn't even ask me about the hockey tryouts he forgot to take me to! [grunts.]
It's your turn! Do something! Okay.
Um That's a start.
Sorry, Mom.
Hey, you guys cut school today, too? No.
We get home-schooled by an owl.
Our daddy glued one of them professor hats to his head.
He kept spinning his neck around trying to make it fall off, but then he gived up.
Hey, you guys want to do something really fun? - Yeah! - No.
Let's go to the supermarket and lick some meat! [Bill.]
I got a better idea.
What if we stuff these clothes with some leaves and dirt and threw it at a car? We can't do that.
It's dangerous.
It'll be fun! Come on, you're making a big deal out of nothing! [Ben.]
Holy shit! Who left the seat up? Jesus Christ.
What am I, the Shah of Iran? Frank? Frank Murphy? Oh, fuck me.
Hey, Ginny.
Greg.
Oh, I love hearing our names together.
I love women! I love putting my tongue in her head! I'd love to chat, but today's our anniversary and I got to buy Sue a present.
Congratulations! Oh, I'm so happy you two have what Greg and I do.
Marriage is a lot of work.
So much work.
It's important to do things together as a couple.
Like, you caught us on Greg's "Pants Shopping Day.
" Every Thursday at noon, Greg's got to look at pants in this very store.
He's such a man.
Excuse me, lover, I have to go try these on.
He's always in room three.
Oh, he's so superstitious.
Good seeing you, Ginny, but I got to go pick out something nice for Sue.
Feeling pressured to get a good gift? Pressure? No! Why would I feel any pressure? Good for you for going the extra mile.
Greg and I have learned that the secret to a happy marriage is being in touch with what your partner needs.
Let me give you a tip.
[Greg.]
Oh, the tip! It's important to show your love in small ways, and sometimes very big and expensive ways.
Jesus, I got to get Sue something really good.
The jewelry department's on the second floor, right? [Greg.]
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Thanks, pal! "No longer will your salad be held prisoner by the forces of moisture.
Caesar the day with the Salad Tosser.
" [timer stops.]
Well, that was uninspiring.
Thank you for wasting what's left of my morning.
- Show them out, Huddleston! - But Henrietta this is a great idea! I hear great ideas all day long.
I don't buy ideas, I buy passion! You think you can just waltz in here, read your little book report and voila, you're a millionaire? I've got passion! Well, then I feel very sorry for your husband.
- You have no right to say that to me! - Sue, stop it.
No, you stop it.
I'll tell you something about passion.
- I worked my ass off on this invention.
- Well, clearly not all of it.
I came up with this idea when my secondhand washing machine broke down.
I spent all night building a mock-up in my garage.
I sold a precious locket that my husband gave me to pay for this prototype that you have the gall to say I don't have passion for! And this is a great idea! And if you can't see that, then you don't deserve the name Mrs.
Plast-a-Ware! Oh, Sue.
I haven't slow clapped since Kennedy was shot.
You passed the test, Sue.
That's how you sell a product and that's the kind of passion I can get behind! You really mean it? Sue, once upon a time, I was a young housewife, just like you: poor, overweight, no sense of style or elegance.
But then I invented a container out of a new space-age material called plastic.
And with that first bowl, came the sound of a revolution: The Big Burp.
Sue, this invention is your Big Burp.
And just like I said to my high school choir director, I want this baby! And I want to sell this baby! So, you'll recommend it to Tracy? Fuck him! This is mine! It's the product I need to get my company back from those pricks who pushed me out.
Girls, next week at the stockholder meeting, when they expect me to just show up and pose for pictures, we'll spring the Salad Tosser on them! That's wonderful! Now, bring it in, ladies.
[together.]
Sisters unite! It comes with me everywhere.
Kevin Murphy! There you are! Ah! It was her idea! Don't kill me! What was that rocking tune I heard coming out of your basement last night? You guys are sounding great! I felt that song in my balls.
And coming from your balls, that means a lot.
My main Monocles, how'd you like to play at a party I'm throwing this weekend? It'd be the kittay's tittays! Oh! A party at your house? All the guys from the station are gonna be there.
Record company suits.
My dwarf buddies.
My sensei, guys from the dojo, purple belts and above.
Yes! We will be there and we will rock you so hard! It's for Cutie Pie's birthday! She's just the greatest chick a dude could ever have.
Kevin, maybe you'll get a girl like her someday.
What day? Not yesterday! Cutie Pie makes my heart race.
She makes me sweat a lot.
She makes me feel like there's a hole in my nose.
I freaking love that girl! I want her to have her babies, man! Hey, Kevin! What are you doing here? Oh, man, I need to lie down.
I drive better like this, anyway.
I like to look under the steering wheel! It's a leather rainbow! - [horn honks.]
- [Vic laughs.]
- Oh, shit.
- Now we're playing a party! After struggling for two weeks, we finally made it! This is gonna be so rad to the max! That effigy looks like your dad.
Yeah.
My stupid dad.
Let's throw him in the road.
Our daddy ran over a dummy once, but that dummy was filled with people blood.
We stayed in Mexico that summer and Daddy grew a beard.
Oh man, here comes a car! - Throw him! - Wait, no! Don't throw it! Why'd you do that? You were gonna cause an accident! On purpose! Come on, we're trying to have fun! This is not fun.
Jesus, you are such a pussy! I don't want to be friends with you anymore.
Ah! A person! [laughing.]
Pussy.
[Frank.]
God damn it.
Stop ripping.
Fucking Charlie Brown.
Bald loser who can't direct a play.
[Sue.]
I'm all ready.
Wow.
Sue, you look beautiful.
Thanks.
Somebody today told me I look fat.
No, no, no.
Who would say that? You're gorgeous.
Really? Yeah, come here.
[phone rings.]
Does it ever fail? Let the machine pick it up.
[robotic voice.]
Leave a message at the tone.
[beeps.]
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, this is Vice Principal Eugene Menard Christ, what the fuck did Kevin do now? from Southwick Elementary.
Oh, don't tell me Bill's in trouble.
I need you to come to the school as soon as you can to discuss a matter of some importance about your daughter.
[both.]
Huh? Hi.
Can we make this quick? It's our anniversary, and we have a date planned.
So what is it? Lice, mumps, she kiss a boy? Please tell me it's a boy.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Murphy, we held a State Mathematics Assessment Test recently.
Maureen got a perfect score.
That's wonderful! Yeah! You know, you could've just told us on the phone.
No girl has ever achieved that highly.
Until five years ago, girls weren't even allowed to take the test.
It was believed to make them barren.
So, obviously, Maureen cheated.
Or she can never have children.
You think she cheated? - You cheated?! - No, I didn't! She sat next to the only other student who got a perfect score.
Scott, will you come in? This is Scott Ichikawa.
As you can see, Scott is a boy.
An Oriental boy.
- They're really smart.
- How could you?! - I didn't cheat off him! - Yes, you did! Aw, Christ, another kid down the drain.
I am so sorry.
This kind of thing never happened when I was watching the kids.
This is my fault? You're the one who left her family.
I had to work after you lost your job.
Oh, well, happy anniversary to you, too.
Not that you care about our anniversary.
You forgot it.
And I got you a beautiful ashtray made out of crystal.
That's practically diamonds.
If we could bring the discussion back to your daughter's cheating on a test.
You should be thanking me.
I got a job and kept this family fed when you weren't pulling your weight.
I'm pulling my weight now! I bust my ass six nights a week, feeling every bump in the goddamn road because I provide a valuable service! I make people happy! Well, you're not making me happy.
I never see you.
You're not my husband, you're my roommate.
You get home when I'm leaving.
You leave when I get home.
You spend more time in that stupid truck than you do with me! Well, at least the truck doesn't judge me.
You should be glad I called Rosie to get that job, because now I can Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You told me you got that job from the Employment Office.
I never said that.
I said I went down there.
- You said you got it from there! - All right, I lied! I fucking lied! Is that what you want to hear? No! Nobody wants to hear that! But I didn't take a handout! I'm bringing money in! You took money from me! Why the fuck are you hiding money from me anyways? I thought we were a team! I had to hide it so you wouldn't blow it on another fucking TV! Oh! Oh! You're gonna throw the TV in my face? I didn't hear you complaining when you were watching the Rose Bowl parade.
"Ooh, Frank! Look at the begonias!" You stole from me! And because of that, I had to pawn that locket you gave to get my invention made! You hocked our locket for your little salad thing?! And you're busting my chops about how I got my job? You know what? Just go! Never come home, for all I care! Be with your precious truck and your rubbers! Well, if I had a rubber 15 years ago, we wouldn't be here today! You said you had control! I said that in the missionary position! You're the one who turned over! Stop it! Stop yelling! Okay, okay, I cheated! I cheated off Maureen! She's the genius! I hate school! I'm the only one in my family who doesn't like books! I want to ride motocross! They will call me Mr.
Moto Cross! Just let me go home! [Scott sobbing.]
Oh, my God.
Now can I join computer club? Good fucking grief.
[phone ringing.]
Bob Pogo.
Bob, it's Frank Murphy, I didn't think you'd be there this late.
- What do you want - Please just hear me out.
I'm sorry I left you on the side of the road yesterday.
If your offer to give me my job back still stands, I'll do it.
I'll help you take down Scoop Dunbarton.
You think I'd bring you back after what you did to me and that innocent Puerto Rican who went to jail for our sins? Well, you're right, I would.
I got to get rid of Scoop! Thank you, Frank.
I knew you'd have pity on me.
I'm not doing this for you.
I need to save my marriage, and the only way to do that is to get my old day job again.
Meet me tomorrow.
We have no time to waste.
Who wants ice cream? [Pogo.]
No! It burns! The ice cream burns! [thunder rumbles.]
A little rain? Is that all you got, you pussy? [thunder rumbles.]