Fairfax (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

[school bell rings]
Bro, the Internet
is going apeshit
for this Latrine henchman tee.
- Fuck Brian forever.
- Sick. - Oh
Hey, guys, guys, Spirit Chair's
taking the podium.
- Let's show her some respect, huh?
- [applause]
[whoops]
Good morning, Fairfax!
- [sighs]
- [Lily] What the heck is up, Hypebeasts?
Is everybody totally stoked
for Friday night's dance?
- [cheering]
- Yeah, you are! [whoops]
A-go, Fairfax, go, Fairfax.
[whoops, laughs]
You spoke and we listened.
The theme of this year's
dance is
Peace in the Middle East!
[jeering]
Nah, nah, no, it isn't.
Wait, but-but you said we could.
I said sit your woke ass down.
Ain't nobody getting busy
to J Balvin
over some Aleppo sliders.
The real theme of Friday's dance
is Westy-World, y'all.
- [airhorn sounding]
- [cheering]
[shouts]
That's right. I'm-a turn the gym
into a trap house carnival.
Quattro, call every bird
we know.
'Cause this about to be
the biggest party of the year.
Oh ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Drop ♪
- Waitin' for ♪
- The drop ♪
- Waitin' for the ♪
- Oh ♪
Waitin' for the ♪
Hey, yo, with Cody gone,
clout king is anyone's game.
This is my year, fam.
We're talking sponsorships,
ad revenue,
Illuminati Christmas party.
Stick with me and we'll be
verified in no time.
[sighs] The only thing I'm
verifying is my love for Lily.
- Hmm.
- [stammers] Okay.
Step one, tell her
how I feel at the dance.
Step two, go camping at Zion.
And step three, finally birth
a baby deer together.
Man, how the fuck does Dale
have bigger balls than me?
You know what? Screw it, if Dale
can tell Lily how he feels,
I can turn Melody's
cold shoulder into a warm one.
I'm just excited
to bring my girl
and my gang gang
together as one.
I really think you guys
are gonna hit it off.
We're excited, too, Tru.
I'm learning JavaScript
on Duolingo
so I can speak her language.
That means so much.
She hates code-switching.
So, what,
you're just gonna dance
with a phone in your pocket
all night?
- [laughter]
- [Truman] What?
Trust, bro,
I got something planned.
It ain't gonna be
nothing like that.
You just wait and see,
you guys are gonna freak.
Yo, it's gonna be
the best night ever, boo.
We got a pregame photo op
at Dale's,
then gang gang limo ride,
then we're back at Dale's
for a sleepover,
then Grant's gonna take us
to IHOP in the morning.
Wow. That's a lot of time
with the gang gang.
Can't we just be, like,
a real couple for once?
You know, just the two of us?
Yeah. We will, girl.
Whenever the gang gang
takes a bathroom break.
- [groans]
- [Truman] Oh, come on, baby.
I was playing.
Don't go sleep mode on me.
You my juicy boo,
you my juicy boo.
It's Cerise and Tru, come on.
Oh, there she is.
I just want my Tru-boo
all to myself sometimes.
I feel the same way, baby.
But I just want my gang gang
to fall in love with you
like how I fell
in love with you.
Just think,
my girl and my homeys?
Come on, now,
that's the ultimate collab.
Okay, anything
for my main squeeze.
Hey, that's my girl.
Now, let's get ready
for your big debut.
You got the juice,
let it rain on me like, ooh ♪
Baby gonna ride it like
"What's up, Melody?"
[laughs, gasps]
- Oh
- I been underground makin' moves ♪
But I'm here tonight,
let's groove ♪
If you down, girl,
come through ♪
You got the, you got the ♪
If you fall in love ♪
Don't fall for me ♪
You got the, uh,
you got the, uh, you got the ♪
If I lose control
[gasps]
You got the, you got the
Diego, you're voting for me
for clout king, right?
Don't forget who hooked it up
with those Jordan 5s.
Why isn't Truman here yet?
The dance starts
in, like, 20 minutes
and I'm already sweating through
my first shirt of the night.
Rubins are
notorious perspirators.
That's why my dad
sleeps in the nude.
Speaking of Truman, you guys,
we got to be super supportive
of him and Cerise tonight, okay?
You got it, D.
That's what the gang gang does.
- [horn honks]
- Gang gang.
- Hey
- Hey! Truman. There he is. - There's my man.
Introducing the new
and improved Cerise.
You wear those shoes
and I will wear that dress ♪
Oh, kiss me ♪
- What the fuck?
- [chuckles]
Hey, gang gang.
I am so juiced to meet you guys.
You must be Benny.
- [crunch]
- [screams]
My Kruegers!
I'm so sorry, dawg.
She didn't mean it, I promise.
I swear it was an accident.
It's my first time on wheels.
Ugh. Can I order you
shoe cleaner?
It's cool. It's cool.
I'm just gonna go do
a quick Headspace
and I'll be right back.
Cerise, I can't tell you
how good it feels
to finally have another girl
in the group.
Also, I have a ton of charging
cables in the fanny
in case you need extra juice.
No pun intended.
Aw, you guys are so sweet.
- [horn honks]
- [all] Whoa!
Your chariot awaits, me lords
and ladies Holy shit!
I mean, uh, you, uh,
you must be Truman's girlfriend.
So nice to meet you.
Holy cow, Dad.
This limo is bitching.
- Isn't it bitching, guys?
- Totally bitching.
For a vehicle that no longer
meets EPA standards
because of its contributions
to ozone depletion.
Uh [chuckles]
Are you insinuating my dad
doesn't care about
Mother Naytch?
Hey, babe,
appreciate the eco-tip,
but I just think maybe we should
let Dale have this moment.
Of course. Limos are such
a fun school dance cliché.
[muffled music playing]
[grunts, gasps]
Honey, I'm gonna take the kids
and their Roomba to the dance.
I'll be back in 20
with pad thai.
- [Kelly Mac & John Jaylien Wesley: "LOTP"]
- Party, party ♪
We the life of the party
[grunts] Son of a bitch.
That box tee with my face on it
is a beautifully designed
and tastefully curated kick
to the nads.
We have to respond.
Even my fishies agree.
Broller coaster, don't be mad,
but maybe we should
lay low for a bit.
Oh, I'm sorry, do you not trust
your brother/elder twin?
Of course I do. I'm just
worried about you, Bri-Guy.
You're right. I need to squash
this beef, Arby's style.
- With extra cheddy.
- Classic HR stuff.
You know, this reminds me
of when Dion from Refrigeration
had a little tiff with Miguel
in Home Theater.
- It turned out
- That's it. 'Form him.
- On it. Sorry, sweetie.
- Chloroform? No, no.
[muffled grunting]
Now, arrange a meeting
with Hiroki.
- [P-Lo: "Same Squad"]
- Same squad, same squad, same squad
This is so dope.
Cerise, you comfy?
So comf, Tru-boo.
You look so foine tonight, babe.
You guys,
doesn't Cerise look foine?
Yeah, you can barely tell
she's a mop on a Roomba.
- [grunts]
- No, what he means is,
yeah, you can barely tell
you're new to this,
- 'cause you're such a natural.
- Thank you.
And, Derica, you're such
a natural at tracking down
discontinued shades
of Girlbossier foundation.
D! You're wearing Girlbossier
and you ain't sharing?
Okay, fine. Ha, ha.
I'm wearing their concealer.
But only because I have
this horrific pimple,
and I didn't want
anyone to notice,
but now we're all talking
about it, so thanks.
Hey, it's cool, D.
Everybody gets a pass.
[inhales sharply]
- Right, babe?
- Of course.
I've mastered girl code.
My nonexistent lips are sealed.
Wow-ee, you guys, look.
- [dance music playing]
- [all] Oh, my God.
[Benny] Yo.
The king of debt
has done it again.
Boo, let's take
a sexy selfie together.
You read my mind, baby.
You guys, get in this shot.
All of us?
- Cheese!
- Oh, okay.
- [Benny] Gang gang.
- [Dale chuckles]
It's clout time, baby.
- [cheering]
- [Benny] Let's fucking go!
This-this is how we live ♪
This is how we live
[whoops] Welcome to Westy-World,
motherfu
I mean, students.
Y'all ready to get your dicks
wet I mean, party?
[cheers] This party is cracking.
A'ight, gang,
what do we want to do first?
They got
the Guess Westy's Debt booth,
Pin the Booty
on Mrs. Weston. Oh.
We definitely got to hit up the
Zillow Mortgage Bounce Haus.
Sorry, Tru,
I got a date with destiny.
And there's my queen now.
Wish me luck.
Ooh, I see Melody.
I wonder what
her hair smells like.
I'm gonna go find out. Bye.
Hmm. Benny?
How about you, me and Cerise
hit the henna face tat staysh?
Get some matching Gucci Mane
ice cream tattoos?
Dawg, you know ice cream rules
everything around me,
but I got to start mingling
with these people
before the polls
close in an hour.
And then there were two.
Lily?
- [laughter]
- Lily?
Excuse me, sorry.
Hey, hey, Lily.
Lil, I have something
super important to tell you.
[boy] Yeah, me, too.
[exhales]
[Disco] [laughs] Whoa, whoa.
You on the list?
Uh, no, but
Come on, Derica.
Let's just fast-forward
to the part where we drag
you out of here.
[sighs]
[groans]
[laughter]
Hans Kim.
Heard you got a trampoline.
Say, have you cast your vote
for clout king?
Uh, sorry, Benny.
Jules already got to me.
He hooked it up with
a $20 gift card to Chipotle.
What the fuck?
Want to give you a call,
but I know
Thanks for making me feel like
a real girl tonight, Tru-boo.
Hey, you're the realest
person here, babe.
I wouldn't trade you
for all the juice in the world.
I love it when we jam,
just the two of us.
When I'm with you, it's like
the whole world melts away.
- Mmm What the?
- [Benny] Yo.
This dance fucking sucks.
[grunts]
Yo, what? What happened, bro?
Jules is straight-up bribing
kids with diarrhea gift cards.
And Melody's in the Fort Knox
of VIP booths.
There's no way I can get to her.
Tell me about it, D. It's like
Schwimmer's over there.
You got to get in line
and take a number.
Come on, let's get the fuck
out of here.
I'm-a call us a Jewber,
aka Dale's dad.
Hey. Uh-uh, wait a second.
Y'all are just gonna give up
after one try? Come on.
If I had given up on Cerise
after she catfished me
at Chernobyl Fest,
we wouldn't be here right now.
Yeah, I don't know if you can
really compare our situations.
Hey, you know what?
We're gonna help you.
Wait, we are? But, Tru
Babe, if you help them with this
they're gonna stan you forever.
It's perfect, y'all.
Cerise is a genius, for real.
She's like
the hotter version of Google.
Wait, really, Cerise?
You would do that for us?
Of course.
I would love to help you.
It would be my p-p-pleasure.
♪
[Phyllis] Here.
Ugh, where the "F" is he?
[Hiroki] I'm right here, bitch.
♪
Okay, listen, my liege
I mean, Hiroki. Fuck!
[laughs]
Look, I asked you here because
I want to squash this beef
once and for all.
Oh, I'm all for squashing beef.
I just have one caveat.
I want you to leave Fairfax.
Melrose, La Brea, Sunset.
Go to Abu fucking Dhabi for all
I care, but Fairfax is mine.
- [Kruize: "Lala Land"]
- I'm wearing 8 ♪
I got the fro
Damn, it's like The Bachelor: Middle School edish.
I haven't seen a sausage party
like this since my Scout days.
Dale, look at me.
I'm a billion dollars
in experimental marketing tech.
You think I'm gonna let
a couple seventh grade boys
get in my way?
Peep this shit.
Hmm, looks like Cubby's
grandma isn't doing too well.
[phone ringing]
[gasps] Mom? Is everything okay?
[woman's voice] It's Grandma,
Cub Cub.
She's not gonna make it
through the night.
We need you
to come home right now.
What? [panting]
I'm coming, Grandma!
- [laughs]
- Holy smokes.
- Girl, that was savage.
- One down,
seven to go.
- [phone chiming]
- Whoa.
Oh, yeah!
[phone buzzing]
- All right, Dale. You're up.
- [inhales] Okay.
- [grunts, chuckles]
- [gasps] Dale.
Hey. I love your suit.
It's so beige.
Oh, thanks.
My dad got married in it.
I, uh, I just wanted to say
Girl, you look sexy as hell.
[laughs]
[both laugh]
- Ooh, ooh.
- Chug, chug. Chug it, kid.
How's it looking, D?
Melody hasn't looked up
from her phone once and
WTF? Disco's wearing Latrine
night-vision goggles?
Are you serious? How are
we supposed to get past him?
If you can't get in,
you got to draw 'em out.
Hold up. Are we about
to set up a thirst trap?
[Skiddalz: "Make It Happen"]
A tisket, a tasket,
a mil off in my basket ♪
I don't have it now,
but I bet I'll make it happen ♪
Happen, happen,
I bet I'll make it happen
[Cerise] Jackpot.
This hippo's about to get
very, very hungry.
- [Spandau Ballet: "True"]
- Ooh. Mmm.
- I think it's working.
- Crank up that thirst meter, babe.
Ooh.
Huh.
[grunts] Oh, my God.
Is anyone else, like, really
craving a Cinnabon right now?
I know this much is true
Looking for something?
- [Ni/Co: "Let's Get Weird"]
- [cheering]
Oh [laughs]
Into your world
[shouts]
- Ta-da!
- [cheering, applause]
Shit, that was inspired.
- I'm donezo. It's over.
- [Cerise] No, it's not.
According to my CPU, only 75.6%
of the seventh grade has voted.
The remaining 24.4%
is undecided,
and 83% percent of the 24.4%
Yo, not everyone
is a genius robot.
Can you spell it out
for the basics?
It means you still have
a chance.
Let me ask,
how flexible are you?
What a great word, wanna
invite me into your world ♪
Ain't no alien,
forget what you heard ♪
- [music stops]
- [crowd gasping]
[screaming]
[Weston shouting]
Ladies and gentlemen,
gaydies and gentlethems,
please give it up
for the cloutiest kid I know,
Benjamin Hyung-Joon Choi.
- [Missy Elliott: "Lose Control"]
- [crowd gasping]
Follow my lead.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- Here we go now ♪
I've got a cute face,
chubby waist ♪
Thick legs in shape ♪
Rump shakin' both ways ♪
Make you do a double take ♪
Everybody here ♪
Get it out of control
What the fuck?
'Cause Misdemeanor said so ♪
Everybody
It's working.
- Everybody ♪
- Step, step ♪
- Everybody ♪
- Let's go ♪
- [cheering, applause]
- Yeah! Ha, ha!
You did it, Cerise.
I-I'm gonna win clout king!
And I'm gonna have Truman
all to myself.
[cackles]
Wait, what?
Have fun being clout king.
Bye, bitch.
- Benny, dude, that was sick.
- Oh, my God.
She wants to break up
the gang gang.
I got to go tell everyo
[shouts]
May I have this dance?
[cries] No!
I thought about your offer
and here's my counter.
Fuck you! You go to Melrose.
Me leave? Bitch, I am Fairfax.
I'm as much a staple of this
block as this Jewish deli.
You're a fad, Brian.
A flash in the pan,
like your dumbass
tennis ball shoes.
Billie Eilish loves
the tennis ball shoes.
You know, you talk
a big game for someone
who had to check themselves
into a home for clout fatigue.
That's right.
He fucking fatigued that ass.
You wish. The Dorito Boy
helped me get my groove back.
And unless you
and your twin sister
with her Kmart slacks leave,
the whole world
is going to be off Off-Brian.
That's it.
[both shout]
[muffled grunting]
[laughs]
[Brianna] Oh, God.
- [grunts]
- Fuck.
[laughs] I'm immune
to chloroform,
you ungrateful twat.
I've been microdosing for years
to prepare for this
exact situation.
No
Yes! Face it.
Whatever you do,
however you come at me
I will always clap back
louder and harder.
Put him down, you fucking brute.
- [grunts]
- Brian.
You barked up the wrong bitch,
Hiroki.
This means war!
Oh, fucking bring it, then!
- Jennifer, let me go.
- [Joji: "Sanctuary"]
Look, it's the CIA.
They found out
you were hacking the Pentagon.
- Really? Where?
- [Benny panting]
[chuckles]
So, uh,
- is this, like, the super, super VIP section, or
- Shh.
I don't care what Nabisco says.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I'll give you
somethin' so real ♪
- [Derica moans]
- [panting] Derica.
- Huh?!
- We need to talk.
Benny, I will kill you.
- Now!
- I'll be right back.
If you've been waitin'
for fallin' in love
Lily, I-I really like you.
I've liked you
since the first time
you threw a dodgeball
at my face.
You make me feel
like a salmon swimming upstream.
I like you, too, Dale.
I guess call me a grizzly bear,
'cause I want to scoop you up
and rip you to shreds.
Oh, geez.
Oh, my God. Dale.
- Is that Molly?
- Altoid.
- For when I do this.
- First kiss ♪
Dale!
Gang gang emergency meeting.
- Now!
- No. No. No, no, no, no. Lily!
It's okay!
Just come find me after?
Benny,
this better be
the most important fucking thing
- in the world.
- For real, man.
I was about to French.
Yo, we need to talk
about Cerise.
Dude, I was so wrong about her.
- She is incredible.
- Yeah.
She's like an angel
sent from fruit snack heaven.
She's fucking evil, you guys!
- Huh?
- Nah, B.
Look, I thought so, too,
at first, but I was hella wrong.
She's a little kooky
'cause she's a computer program,
but she's not evil.
You were 100% right.
- How do you know?
- Dawg, she's a master manipulator.
Don't you see?
This whole fucking night
was just her plan
to get rid of us.
Okay, guys, I think
we got to just talk to Truman
and clear this all up.
Uh, I don't know.
If we confront him about Cerise,
he might flip out on us again.
Look at me. She is
a fucking psycho robot bitch!
Did someone say
"psycho robot bitch"?
- [screams]
- You.
Tell them.
You're trying to break up
- the gang gang, aren't you?
- Oh, he's right.
- I'm splitting up the stupid little gang gang.
- [Derica and Dale gasp]
You're too much of a distraction
for my Tru-boo.
But we accepted you
with open arms.
You think I give a fuck
about your junior high crushes
and your lame-ass
clout king race?
Truman is mine.
And now that you cornball losers
have what you want,
I have what I want.
[laughs]
- [feedback screeches]
- All right, Hypebeasts.
It's time to announce
our clout king and queen.
- [cheering]
- May the powers of Stephen Sondheim
and RuPaul's Drag Race bless me.
- You won't get away with this.
- [Cerise scoffs]
Of course I will.
The gang gang's toast.
Especially after Truman hears
that you tried to murder me.
Tried to what?
- Aah, let go of me, Benny. Ow!
- Yo, I'm not doing anything.
- Derica! How could you?
- Dude.
- What is going on?
- [grunts] Dale? Stop!
- Shit.
- Guys? - No, I thought we were friends.
- No! No!
- Cerise, no.
[screams]
- Oh, my God.
- What the fuck? - Holy shit.
- [drumroll playing]
- This year's clout king is
Holy shit,
it's Benny Choi.
- [cheering]
- Yeah! That's my boy!
Let's go, Benny!
All right, where is
that little baby pumpkin at?
Yeah, where is Benny? Or Cerise?
Or Derica and Dale?
Oh, this is bad.
This is really, really bad.
- [door opens]
- [Truman] Hey, yo, yo, yo, Benny!
You will not believe it.
What the fuck?
Cerise!
[panting]
- Baby!
- [coughs] Truman.
Oh, thank God. You're alive.
Cerise, baby, what happened?
The gang gang called me
a psycho robot bitch
and then p-p-pushed me
off the stairs
- and tried to murder me.
- [gasps]
- No, we didn't!
- Yo, she's lying, Tru.
- Fuck you, Cerise!
- Look.
I can prove it.
Psycho robot bitch!
[gasps]
What the hell is wrong
with you guys?
Cerise spent all night
trying to help you.
All she wanted
was to be friends,
but you just couldn't let her
in the gang gang, could you?
Truman, let us explain.
Explain this, D.
You didn't approve of Cerise
from the start.
Your whole "inclusivity" brand
- is bullshit. And Dale.
- Oh!
You never told me
that you had a Scouts badge
in betrayal,
you fake-ass friend.
No, it's not for betrayal.
It's for B-trails.
They're the bunny slopes
of hiking.
Dale, shut the fuck up!
Bro, she's trying
to tear us apart.
You got to be kidding me, Benny.
Derica and Dale,
that's one thing,
but I did not expect this shit
from you, bro.
I thought you were my boy.
We were collab partners
for life, but nah.
We still are, bro.
Come on!
You're really gonna believe
a fucking app on your phone
over us?
I'll give you an app.
And a main course.
You're just jealous
'cause I'm out here evolving
- while you're stuck in basic-ass Latrine land.
- Yeah?
Well, what about you, man?
Your whole life
is one giant
untitled shit project!
[Derica and Dale gasp]
- [grunts]
- It's no use, babe.
They just hate us
'cause they ain't us.
The only people
trying to break up gang gang
is you three.
[sniffles]
Fuck you guys forever.
Let's get out of here, Cerise.
- [Dale] Truman, no.
- Dude, please. - Truman, wait.
[whirring]
[Weston clears throat]
I've never been this horny
for drama.
I'm sorry, Derica.
A lot of my followers are bots,
so I can't be seen with you.
It's bad for my brand.
- [gasps] Melody.
- [Weston] Benny,
I got to say,
that was some fucked-up shit.
You are no longer clout king.
Wait, I won?
- Not anymore.
- [gasps] So I won?
Nope. I'm the clout king.
Suck it, you basic bitches.
- Let's roll, Salary.
- [vehicle approaching]
[horn honks]
Blessings, Fairfax Middle.
- Cody?
- Cody? Oh, dear God. No.
That's right. I'm back, baby,
and I'm a changed man.
I've officially rebranded
to @Cody4Jesus.
Oh, yeah ♪
No pranks, all charity.
Sup, Lils. You want to talk?
Oh, my God.
Lily. But I
I, uh, I need to, uh
I need to go.
- Worst.
- Night. - Ever.
Trust me, boo.
They are gonna pay for this.
[gasps]
Babe, look.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
What do you want?
To take down Latrine.
In that case,
have a seat, my liege.
Phyllis! A round of pickles
for the table.
- Mr. Bad Guy ♪
- Bad guy ♪
- Know I'm not the one ♪
- I'm not the one ♪
I'll burn the city down
for fun ♪
- I'm doing whatever I like ♪
- Whatever I like ♪
- If you see me, better run ♪
- Better run ♪
'Cause I'm mister,
mister, mister, mister ♪
This is not a joke ♪
This is not a drill ♪
Pop up and we pop 'em ♪
Get it poppin' like a pill ♪
Drop 'em like an Irish Car
Bomb shot, and I'm for real ♪
- Mr. Bad Guy ♪
- Bad guy ♪
- Know I'm not the one ♪
- I'm not the one ♪
I'll burn the city down
for fun ♪
- I'm doing whatever I like ♪
- Whatever I like ♪
- If you see me, better run ♪
- Better run ♪
'Cause I'm mister,
mister, mister, mister ♪
Mister, mister, mister ♪
Chirp.