Frasier (2023) s02e07 Episode Script

1
- Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm over it.
Okay, good, 'cause it's just
a game, so it would be stupid
- if you actually
- Firefighters should not lose
to actors in softball!
Shouldn't happen.
I mean, how does a team
called "First Responders" get killed
by A Midsummer Night's Team?
Oh, you think because we're actors
we can't play serious sports?
You kept calling the dugout "backstage."
And then that shortstop
the way he'd catch the ball
and then just consider it,
like it was Yorick's skull.
I mean, give me a break.
(LAUGHS)
Wait. Augustine?
Are you jealous?
Pfft. Yeah, you think I could be jealous
of a guy named "Augustine"?
I don't know, Frederick Gaylord Crane.
He's tall, he's handsome,
he was the best player out there.
Yeah, and he also cheated.
Tripped me on the base path.
But I got him back.
Grabbed his scarf
as he was rounding third.
He spun like a top.
Was that before or after
his game-winning grand slam?
During.
Oh, hey, Dad. Remind me.
- Where'd you go to college?
- Ah.
Today is the
Harvard-Yale game, Frederick.
Figured you and your chums
would enjoy that.
Don't they like sports?
Yeah, but mainly
when they're played by athletes.
Did I hear you're throwing
some kind of a party?
Not just any party.
The Psychology Department
has asked me to host
their annual alumni tailgate.
You're throwing a tailgate?
Yes, at the apartment.
You, uh you do know
what a tailgate is, though?
Yeah, of course, I know.
I know. In fact,
the very first tailgate was
at a Harvard-Yale game in 1906.
Oh, really? Did you have a good time?
I am elevating the form
by hiring one of the Back Bay's
finest caterers.
And, as a doffed cap
to the bloodlust
of the everyday sports fan,
I've arranged
to have a Yale Bulldog piñata.
You wicked scamp.
(LAUGHS)
- I'm gonna clean up a little.
- Right.
Oh. What a quaint tavern.
I've always admired
how you don't need much.
Uh, Dr. Crane, Eve,
this is my sister, Monica.
- Oh. Lovely to see you.
- Oh.
- Pleasure to meet you both.
- Nice to meet you.
Oh, so, you're up from Yale then?
I-I thought Bulldogs traveled in packs.
Oh.
I'm taking a page
out of my sister's book
and going solo today. (LAUGHS)
Oh, it must be nice
to exist outside the male gaze.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, I've missed this
good-natured bantering of ours.
I haven't said a word.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Oh, dear, that's my husband
Russell calling.
You'd think his only duty
is to dote on me.
(LAUGHS) It's not his only duty.
He's also Chief of Neurosurgery.
Oh.
I know what you mean.
My Mark is constantly
calling and texting me.
It's like, "You have me already.
Stop trying so hard."
Oh. Mark?
- Hmm.
- Well, I should take this.
Uh, hi.
Oh, no, nothing important.
So,
where are we on being honest
about each other's family members?
More importantly, who is Mark?
Why haven't you told us
about this new boyfriend?
Oh, gosh, lots of reasons.
Work gets in the way,
I don't want to jinx it,
and also, I only just made him up.
And why would you do that?
Because storytelling is in my blood.
Why do you think? You just met her.
She's always been like this.
Always just a little bit better,
a little bit smarter,
and always just shoving it in my face.
She's like a scorpion with those jabs.
A beautiful, married scorpion
who some say redefined
the comparative semiotics
of late-Germanic poetics.
You won't catch me saying that.
FRASIER: Remember, Olivia,
I, too, have a sibling
who attended Yale.
And trust me,
I have wasted far too much time,
money and energy
on a petty sibling rivalry
which goes on to this day.
So you're saying take the high road?
No, I'm saying bury her.
For all of us. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Oh. Alan.
Happy Harvard-Yale Day.
Oh, yes. Rah-rah and so forth.
You know, I was surprised to hear
that you're hosting a tailgate,
what with the other party.
I will now utter the three saddest words
in the English language.
"What other party?"
Well, the party at the president's home.
The Oh. Oh, uh
Don't-don't worry. Don't worry.
I'm sure nobody's going.
- And who is nobody?
- Oh, yes-men,
hangers-on, sycophants.
Nobel Prize-winning Valdo Kotnik.
Valdo Kotnik is in Cambridge?
Valdo Kotnik is going to another party?
Allegedly.
Well, definitely.
Who's Valdo Kotnik?
He's just the most illustrious
author in Estonia,
one of the finest minds of our time.
He's incredibly reclusive.
He hasn't been seen in public in years.
He's like Pynchon or Salinger or
- Bigfoot?
- Off you go, Eve.
His name is Sasquatch.
You know, I'm sure the president
wouldn't mind you joining.
You just cancel your tailgate
and come along.
No, I can't cancel. It's in an hour.
Oh, curse etiquette.
How it jails me.
I could have met the bright star
of Estonia,
the troubadour of our common suffering,
the master of the memoir form.
Well, I'm sure
your party might be fun, too.
Did I hear talk of a piñata?
I could have discussed
The Greys of Valga
with the man himself.
Perhaps he would have
even looked at my own memoir,
even offered to write a blurb for it.
Oh, I've got to find a way
to get to that other party.
- I've got it.
- Hmm?
You could pretend
to be twins.
I
could pretend to be twins?
Yes. Like The Parent Trap.
But I'm just one person.
Well, that's the genius, you see?
You pretend that you're at your party,
but in reality,
you're at the president's house.
Alan, I can't be at two parties at once.
Exactly. The Parent Trap.
So, uh, Mark. Fascinating.
- Where did you meet him?
- At the symphony.
- Works there?
- Plays there.
- Capacity?
- Guitarist. Spanish.
Spanish man or Spanish guitar?
- Both.
- Oh.
A soloist. So he's musically
and emotionally unavailable.
- Hmm.
- Do you think you're drawn to him
because of your distant father?
He's your father, too!
You're deflecting like your mother.
- We have the same family!
- Mm.
No, Mark is obsessed with me.
- He's always at my side.
- Oh, so it's not long-distance?
Nope, he is right here in Boston.
So he'll obviously be at the party.
- Obviously.
- (LAUGHS)
- (PHONE BUZZING)
- (GASPS) Oh, it's Russell again.
Excuse me. Hi, Russell.
No, do not send roses to this bar!
Damn her. What was I thinking?
A fake boyfriend? What am I gonna do?
How about we get someone to
pretend to be Mark at the party?
I have tons of actor friends.
Oh, that sounds complicated.
Maybe I should just bite the bullet,
and end this childish ruse.
MONICA: (LAUGHS) A model?
Please, I'm a professor.
The only thing
I model are linguistic patterns
as they pertain
to Heideggerian modalities.
(LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Find me a fake boyfriend.
On it.
Oh, Dad, you okay?
You look like one of the guests
at one of your parties.
Just found out there's a better party
the same time as my own.
Ah, I wouldn't worry.
I bet you could still make it.
I mean, knowing your parties,
some hilariously tragic
and completely avoidable catastrophe
will end the whole thing
in, what, like, 20, 30 minutes?
My guess?
Piñata full of bees.
Freddy.
That's it.
I'll sabotage my own party.
No fine wine, no haute cuisine.
Oh, Dad, no, not the haute cuisine.
Quiet, you!
And thank you.
Freddy, Freddy, I need your help.
Step right up. I'm on a roll.
Olivia needs a handsome fake boyfriend
to impress her sister
at your dad's party,
but none of my friends are free.
And you were wondering
if I could just
Ask one of the guys
on your softball team, yes!
- (LAUGHING): Yeah. Right. Great minds.
- Yeah.
- One of the cute ones?
- Mm, yeah.
Sure, sure. Uh, sorry.
Which ones
do you think are the cute ones?
Where do I start? Uh, Tom,
Abiola, James. (GASPS)
- Nicholas.
- G-Got it.
Okay, I'll make some calls.
Call Nicholas first.
Okay, thank you. You're the best!
One of the cute ones?
I'm the cute one.
(LIVELY CROWD CHATTER)
Look at my guests.
Enjoying themselves.
Kindling old friendships.
Forging new ones.
What a disaster.
What happened to sabotaging the party?
I tried. I got rid of Haruki's
food, and I nixed the decor.
Why didn't you get rid of the alcohol?
That keg is shockingly heavy!
But I have one last arrow
in my quiver
the poison pill to any
respectable gathering. Come.
Everyone, attention! (LAUGHS)
The frozen pizza bagels
are ready! (LAUGHS)
Ah. Hello, Frasier.
And, also, you're welcome.
- For what?
- For getting Valdo to come.
Yes, that's right.
My friend in the Slavic
department owed me a favor.
Plus, of course, Valdo loves good booze,
which the president didn't have,
because some people have no taste.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, pizza bagels.
Alan, thank you.
This is wonderful news. I
Maybe I can still get Valdo
to write a blurb for my memoir.
Hmm.
But does this mean he
might already be at the party?
- Do you see him?
- Well, I have no idea.
I don't even know what he looks like!
Well, even he doesn't know
what he looks like.
Rumor has it, he had all the
mirrors in his house removed.
Yes, his author photo is
a picture of a wheat field!
(PHONE CHIMES)
Excuse me.
Ah. Well, here comes good
old Alan to the rescue again.
My friend has just texted,
"Should let you know
what Valdo looks like
before my phone dies."
- We may be on our own.
- Yes.
All right, no need to panic.
Uh, David, you mingle a bit.
Try to find out which one Valdo is.
And I will go upstairs
and print out an excerpt
of my memoir just to pique his interest.
Yeah. Valdo needs good booze.
Right. I'll fetch a bottle
of 2017 Château d'Yquem
from the basement.
Ooh, ooh, you could pair it
with the first meal he had
- when he escaped to Sweden!
- Strawberries and cream!
- And I can do that!
- Perfect.
Gentlemen, once more unto the breach.
Excuse me?
- Yes.
- Have you ever written a memoir
that explores the depths
of childhood trauma and despair?
- GUESTS: Yes!
- Who hasn't?
Of course. Of course.
Good to see you. Augustine!
Oh, just in time.
Okay, they're about to show up.
Remember,
you're Olivia's boyfriend Mark,
a prominent Spanish guitarist.
Perfect. This is a great role.
Thank you so much for this opportunity.
You're gonna be great.
- Any questions?
- No. Just, uh, in terms of accent,
really getting to the core
of the character here,
what are we thinking for Mark? Is he
(WITH SPANISH ACCENT): an
erudite scholar from Salamanca?
- Could be.
- Or perhaps
(SPANISH ACCENT): Mark is a
serious Basque from Bilbao?
Why not?
(SPANISH ACCENT): Maybe
a fun-loving Andalusian
with a flair for the dramatic?
Anything! (LAUGHS)
Except for the last one.
- Uh-huh.
- Today is all about improv.
So, whatever anyone asks you,
just say "Yes, and."
"Yes, and." Okay.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (GASPS)
Oh, they're here. They're here.
- Are you ready?
- Hold on. One moment.
(INHALES AND EXHALES)
- Listo.
- (LAUGHS)
Mi amor.
Ooh.
Mark! You beat us here.
Yes, and I've been counting
the minutes till your arrival.
- Aye, Monica, Monica, Monica.
- Oh.
- Mwah. Mwah.
- Oh! Oh!
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Oh.
- And you, as well.
- Ah.
Allow me to take your coats
and get you a drink.
Oh.
Oh! Oh!
Not bad.
You know, I just pray
he's not one of those
that's using you to get to me.
- Shall we?
- MONICA: Uh-huh.
- Sweetheart.
- Oh!
Hi, I'm Mark.
Oh, this is, wait. Uh, t-this is Mark?
- (SIGHS)
- A different Mark.
Uh is he from Spain, too?
(CHUCKLES) Don't be silly. He's
British.
(BRITISH ACCENT): S'right, love.
Land of the lorries, land of the loos.
(LAUGHS) W-What part of England
are you from?
Oh, more like what part isn't he from?
No, this adventurer
has-has planted his flag
in every shreeve and shire,
every hamlet and dale.
But where did his story start?
To know that,
you'd have to know England,
but it's a little place called
London.
- Big family?
- All dead.
- He has suffered much hardship.
- MONICA: Oh.
- (SIGHS)
- But he persevered.
- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- And joined the Royal Air Force.
Overcoming his extreme vertigo.
(EXCLAIMS)
Excuse us a minute.
What are you doing?
I'm being Mark, innit?
(NORMAL ACCENT): Well,
I was gonna ask one of my friends,
but then I was, like (SCOFFS)
I'm obviously the best option.
I already found a Mark. I texted you.
"We're good on Mark."
And you responded, "Yay!"
Uh, no. Your text was a question,
"We're good on Mark?"
To which I responded, "Yea."
Y-E-A. It's not "Yay."
There's no question mark.
Well, the question mark was implied.
- There's no such thing.
- "Yay," there is.
Oh. Hey, Dad, I got a question
about punctuation.
Ooh! No, stay on task.
Okay, can you please just go?
Augustine is already playing Mark.
Wait, Augustine's here?
Augie's doing a great job.
Oh! So he's Augie now.
What is your problem with him?
I'm sorry, was that a question?
I didn't hear a question mark.
All right, I got the wine now.
Which chapter should I give him
Alan, what's going on
- with the strawberries and cream?
- I don't know.
I-I was just just give me a minute.
Okay, it-it's a simple recipe.
- Why's my juicer out?
- I don't know.
(STAMMERS) I was stirring
and I was stirring and,
and nothing happened
- and I-I-I panicked, okay?
- If you don't know how to make
strawberries and cream,
why did you volunteer?
It's strawberries and cream,
how difficult can it be?
(OVEN CHIMES)
And in case we need it,
I've preheated the oven.
I'm still confused.
You're seeing two men?
- Yes.
- Both named Mark?
Yes.
See, I-I was seeing Mark,
but we took a break,
and that's when I met Marc,
Marc with a "C."
But part of me still
really likes Mark
not C-Marc, K-Mark
which is tricky because Marc is great
(QUIETLY): but so is Mark.
I know what's going on here.
You want me to help you decide
between the two of them because
after years of failure in love,
you no longer trust yourself.
Mm, no, no, no, that's not necessary.
No, no, no, no, no. I get it.
It's hard for you to ask for my help.
But that's what big sisters are for.
By the end of this party, you'll know
which Mark is best.
I will dig deep
down to their most hidden motivations.
I really don't want you
- to put yourself
- Uh! Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!
Shoo.
Accept the gift.
Alan?
Are you cutting those
strawberries crosswise?
This is not a prison kitchen!
Lengthwise, Alan, lengthwise.
Frasier, where are your aprons?
Just behind you, the left drawer.
- I quit.
- Oh.
Which Mark should I start with?
Why don't you stay here,
- and I will go and grab one for you?
- Oh, thank you.
- Alan.
- Hmm?
I need you to distract my sister.
I have two fake boyfriends here,
and I need to get rid of them
before she finds out.
My God, Olivia. You have a sister?
Yes. Monica.
All my life, I have been in her shadow.
No matter how hard I try,
she just always seems to eclipse me.
I just really need some help right now.
Say no more.
Thank you.
Hello. Alan Cornwall.
Oh, Alan. Olivia's told me
so much about you.
Oh! All good things, I hope.
Hmm
Do you think your reliance
on alcohol is related
to your estrangement from your family?
This is a trap.
- Excuse me.
- ¿Sí?
Are you a reclusive Estonian author?
(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT): Yes, and
it is pleasure to meet you.
I am, of course,
merely being polite as I am a recluse.
Oh, well.
Fantastic. Don't move.
Freddy. Freddy, Freddy, Freddy,
Freddy, you need to get out.
Oh, no, Mark, you have to leave?
(QUIETLY): Leave now.
(LOUDLY): But my sister hasn't
talked with you.
(QUIETLY): Do not talk with my sister.
(BRITISH): Oh, yeah.
Sorry, toots.
Uh
Feeling a wee bit dizzy. Whoa, whoa!
Steady, old boy. (CHUCKLING)
(AMERICAN): Wait. Olivia, are you?
Are you lying to me so that I'll leave
so Augustine's the only Mark?
No, I want you both gone.
Well, why is he just
standing there then, huh?
Like some kind of idiot
who's not even that handsome.
- Jealousy is a sickness, Freddy.
- Mm.
Stop it! Nobody's lying
except for the lying
we already know we're lying about, okay?
Eve, get rid of the handsome man.
(SPUTTERS)
He barely has cheekbones.
All right. I will get my coat.
But you have just lost the best
fake boyfriend you never had.
I am mentally exhausted.
Are you holding up physically?
I guess.
Great.
Whisk this for three more minutes.
Uncle, I found Valdo.
Oh Wonderful.
Olivia, I'm so sorry.
Would you mind slicing
those strawberries for me?
Lengthwise?
Abort mission. Freddy's already
pretending to be Mark,
and now Olivia wants everyone to leave.
Ugh. Freddy. He stretched out
my athletic scarf
and now it looks ridiculous.
Thank you for your help, but please go?
Of course.
I'll see you at softball rehearsal.
Sweetie (WEAK CHUCKLE)
it's called practice.
Ah, the pride of Estonia. (CHUCKLING)
- (WEAK LAUGH)
- Already leaving?
I-I, I was dying to talk with you.
Yes, and I you.
FRASIER: Oh! Wonderful.
You know who I am.
Of course I know who you are. You are
you.
Oh! (CHUCKLES) Come, come and sit.
"As the sun ripened over Lake Siljan,
"we feasted on wild strawberries
and sweet cream."
"And it was as if we were
tasting the sunset itself."
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
You've read The Greys of Valga.
I wrote The Greys of Valga.
You're Valdo Kotnik?
You're Valdo Kotnik.
I am so sorry.
I've insulted you, it's
Mortally insulted.
The only way to repair such an insult is
to offer me a glass
of this excellent sauternes.
Paired, of course,
with your unflinching beauty.
Who am I to argue
with a Nobel Prize winner?
Ah
The Greys of Valga.
- It haunts me still.
- Mm.
It haunts me, too.
So many greys.
Yes, yes. And, honestly,
the way you still manage to,
to evoke hope in your writing.
I mean, it's difficult
enough in fiction,
- let alone in-in the memoir form.
- Oh.
Thank you.
I am very proud of my, uh book?
(CHUCKLING)
- It is book, yes?
- (LAUGHING) You.
- (LAUGHS)
- You're so modest.
You know, you know,
I-I was wondering, I've
I have been written a memoir of my own,
- and I, I would hate to presume, but
- No, please.
- Presume it, presume it.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Oh. Well, then. Um
If you could just maybe read
a sample chapter?
(STAMMERS) And if you would,
consider proffering a blurb?
For you, I write blurb.
- Oh.
- Powerful blurb.
Five stars. Book nice for beach.
Sticker say "Valdo's Book Club."
(LAUGHING)
Such a sense of humor.
(STAMMERS) This is very exciting.
I'll tell you what.
One good sauternes deserves another.
Uh, you'll know exactly
what that means in a moment.
This is for a special guest,
not some beatnik.
And you've finished the bottle.
Well, fine. Fine.
Vulgar and rude. My goodness.
You must be a Yale man.
I'll get another bottle.
Huh.
Wow. You're still here.
Time to leave, buddy.
Actually
(GROANS SOFTLY)
I was asked to stay, buddy.
Oh, yeah?
Why should I believe a cheater?
(SCOFFS) - 'Cause I don't
care what Eve says about you.
I know you're a
(BRITISH): bloody arse.
You are. And I tell you something,
I wouldn't have a cup of tea with you
if you was the last bloke
in Knightsbridge!
¡Eres un cabrón!
- (BOTH SHOUTING)
- Boys, boys!
Boys. Gather yourselves.
Yeah, knock it off.
I don't think either one of you
are right for my sister.
Well, surely not the one
who's a violent psychopath.
Well, at least I'm not
a cheating cheater.
Oh! He cheated on my sister?
No, worse.
It was softball.
What, what is going wrong here?
- Have you gone insane?
- W No. He
How can you talk
to Valdo Kotnik that way?
- (ESTONIAN ACCENT): Yes, very rude.
- No.
This isn't Valdo Kotnik.
This is Marc, with a "C."
Sí.
Yeah. Watch out, everybody.
This bloke's just trying
trick all of youse.
Frasier, good news.
Uh, my friend's phone is
finally recharged.
So let's see, uh, "Valdo has
salt-and-pepper hair,
is wearing a green jacket
and horn-rimmed glasses."
Oh, dear.
(EVE GASPS)
Oh, no, Olivia.
How dare you?
Valdo Kotnik?
You're dating Valdo Kotnik?
Uncle, when you have a minute,
I think I may have made a mistake.
Olivia.
How, how could you?
How could I what?
How much attention do you need?
Having two boyfriends
wasn't exciting enough,
you had to go after a third?
Sure, it can be intoxicating,
having men rely on you.
I should know. (CHUCKLES)
There's never a break
when you're married
to Dr. Russell Oxridge.
He's always calling.
And calling and calling
"Where's the remote?
Where are the batteries?
"Is it double-A or triple-A?
How do I open the back of the remote?"
Damn it, Russell! How can you open
a human skull and not know how to open
the back of a TV remote?
(PANTS)
But, you know, at least
you found one decent man
because both of these Marks
are terrible!
Especially that one.
(BRITISH ACCENT): Boom! Better Mark.
Mr. Kotnik, um
I-I would like to apologize for my,
my twin's brutish behavior just now.
("TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING)
FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.
(CHUCKLES)
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Captioned by Media Access