Friends from College (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

1 [PHONE RINGING.]
Come on in, everyone.
Just find a seat and gather round.
Thank you guys so much for for joining me This is a very, very special day.
So let's get this show on the road.
Oh Who's the birthday boy? No.
No one's birthday.
We're gathered here today to wish me well and kind of send me on my way.
- Where are you going? - I am transitioning.
You're doing gender reassignment surgery? So brave, Max! You are a woman.
- Stop, it's not a Please stop! - You're gonna be so great.
I'm transitioning into a new line of work.
Erm I'm an author now.
Oh Ethan Turner and I are gonna be co-writing the second book in his boy-horse universe.
You're like gone, now.
That's true.
And I know it is sudden, which is why I'm willing to stay on, - in a reduced role, to help kind of - Yeah, I want Joanna Ableman - and Melissa Town.
- T.
J.
Kirtsman.
I get T.
J.
Kirtsman.
Fine, but I get Steph Gupta.
Bullshit.
I get Gupta.
I'm the one who found her for Max.
- Gupta and I get each other.
- She likes me better.
- We had drinks last Friday.
- Put her on the line right now.
Calm down.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Wow, that was [SCOFFS.]
It's like 15 years to build that client list, and just a I feel like my whole career just kind of walked out of there with them.
You know? You know, Max? I quit my job to be a writer.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
I was 24, working.
Data entry.
You know, somewhere in my closet is an unpublished novel about a woman, who works in data entry by day.
And by night Suffers from crippling depression.
Anyway.
God.
Good for you! I got to say congrats.
I mean, there are not a lot of 40-year-olds, who would just you know, give everything up to start again from the very, very bottom.
Not many people can do that.
Congrats.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, man.
It's a relief that Jon knows about everything.
I'm wondering if we should just go ahead and tell everybody.
I think you're right.
But, so, is there like a little tiny part of your brain that's worried that once we do tell everybody, - this is going to stop being fun? - Don't say that.
I think we're gonna tell everybody, and it's going to be better than ever.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
We're a couple.
He did not hear me - No.
- And it was still fun.
[SAM LAUGHS.]
Know what? You're right.
So, Who do you think we should tell first? And are you okay with that? Okay, something like this? Yes, that's great.
Great.
Okay.
I'm just wondering if though, instead of "Prince Thick Mane galloped to the granary.
" we do something like "thundered to the granary.
" Feels like a little more evocative, stronger.
Again, I really think at this point in the process, We should focus more on the story - and less on, you know, the verbs.
- Totally, yes.
Totally.
Story, not verbs.
That's good.
Story, not verbs.
[TYPING SOUND.]
You want to maybe just try it though, and just type in "thundered"? Mhm You know, I think just to see what it looks like.
- with other words around.
- Are you serious right now? You're right.
You're right.
Let's go to tiebreaker.
Alan! Alan! We need you again, buddy.
[EXASPERATED SIGH.]
Come on.
Why? T90X, son.
Look at them Paul Ryan abs.
What we got here? "Thundered" or "galloped"? Could it be both? You know, maybe it could.
Prince Thick Mane galloped thunderingly to the granary.
Does that work for you, Ethan? No.
None of this is working for me.
He is Thunder Crankily.
[CHUCKLES.]
One way that we can do this more quickly would be if we split up the chapters.
How does like we we work separately? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know how that would be Tricky, right? How do you How would we even You know? We should pitch on that.
This is what we should do.
We have an outline, so probably one way that we could split up the chapters is that I could just do all the odds, and you can do the evens, and then we - come back later? Yeah? - Yeah, that could work.
We split it Odds are easy.
So What? We would just like kind of bang it out separately? - Uhum - You know? And then just come together and polish it - together? - Exactly.
Yep.
We have a plan, boys.
Look at us.
We're doing it.
Alan, your sweat on the keyboard.
So I just don't I'll be in here.
Let me know if you need help.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- Yeah.
- How you doing? I am good.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Yeah.
When are you heading out of town? I'm gonna leave right after this.
Gotta beat the holiday traffic.
- Well, tell your parents I say hello.
- I will.
Yeah.
They'll like that.
Good.
Good.
Look.
I know that I have been somewhat of a disaster lately.
I had not noticed.
I mean, you know, I've had this crazy year where I've basically been careening all over the place emotionally and Yes.
Yes.
Which is yeah Why this would never work.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
I mean, one of the reasons.
- One of many reasons.
Yeah.
- Yes.
- I also just got out of a relationship.
- Right.
So, I definitely don't need to jump right back into something new.
Yeah, of course.
And I just did, too, so I get that.
- Yeah.
- I understand.
Yeah.
You just got divorced for crying out loud, so Oh, right.
- Yeah.
- And is the ink even dry? [NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, it's like, what are we doing? It's like, I have no idea.
I know.
It's like, me either.
It's like, make a decision.
It's like, we probably only have one shot.
- Yeah.
- So It's like our lives are half over.
- It's like we're gonna be dead soon.
- It's like, I know that.
It's like then why not? It's like, I'm starving.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
It's like, let's get some pie or something.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
[THROWS UP.]
Hey.
What's your deal? Excuse me.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Go! Push Hard! - Charlie! - Go and push.
- Go! - Charlie! Charlie, I just I need to talk to you for a second.
Fuck! - What do you want? It's the playoffs.
- I just need a minute.
Rodney, you're in.
Rodney, Sam.
What do you want? Well, remember when we were trying to have a kid together? Uhh Yeah.
[CHEERING IN THE BACKGROUND.]
Hey.
What's up? Erm I need to talk to you about something.
Can we meet? - Can you just tell me now? - I really think we should meet, so because I don't want to - I want to be upfront about - Just spit it out.
- Spit it out.
- Lisa Turner? Okay.
Sam and I are seeing each other.
Oh, congratulations.
Who gives a shit? I hope you live happily ever after.
This is the least I've ever cared about anything in my life, okay? Bye.
That was easy.
You're really close.
Sorry.
[SIGHS.]
So, am I going to be seeing Felix today? No.
Dr.
Fosenheim is in surgery, but I'll put your file on his desk.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Alright.
Just give me a sec.
Just trying to find it here.
I mean, there is something in there though, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah.
I see the yolk sac right here.
Looks good.
Oh, my God.
We made a yolk sac.
[LAUGHS.]
It's so crazy.
At least this is a good thing.
And I'm sorry that I was pushing marriage on you.
I don't care if we ever get married.
- But I think I want to get married.
- Really? Yeah.
Me, too.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Okay, so you are measuring at six weeks and one day.
- Okay.
- Wow! It's amazing.
You guys know it down to the week? Yeah, even down to the day.
And there's no margin of error? Nope.
Uh-uh Okay, so you'll come back in a few weeks, and Dr.
Fosenheim will check for a heartbeat, and that's when we'll see if we're really in business.
- Okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- Thank you so much.
Yeah.
[PETER GABRIEL - BOOK OF LOVE PLAYING.]
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
[SIGHS.]
No.
[EXCITEMENT SCREAM.]
I don't want to be grandma.
I want to be a glam-ma.
Then I want him to call me Charlie? - I want him to call me - Hi, it's Lisa, say hello to Glam-ma and Papa.
Hi.
It's so nice to meet you guys.
Gosh, she's so pretty.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
- I need to I really need to go.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
Guys, I'll call you right back, okay? Bye.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
They're just so excited.
This is exciting! I know.
Okay.
I don't know how to tell you this.
This is so fucked up.
Umm Okay.
So the baby is not It's not your baby.
[BURST INTO LAUGHTER.]
Really.
What? I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry! It happened.
And and it was just the one time.
- Whose is it? - Well Fuck it.
I don't care.
Fuck it, and then fuck you.
- Charlie.
- No.
You You know what the worst part is? We lost.
We're out of the playoffs.
I got here as fast as I could.
What's wrong? Ugh I'll tell you inside.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, I need you to promise not to act shocked at all during what I'm about to say.
- Okay? - I won't.
Yeah.
Uhum.
[SIGHS.]
I'm pregnant.
Interesting.
With Ethan's baby.
Cool.
- Am I allowed to ask what happened? - Yeah.
Erm We were clearing out the storage unit, and Erm you know, one thing led to another, so.
What do you mean one thing led to another? In the storage unit? I've no idea.
I don't know.
We were We were nostalgic.
I mean Ethan was playing Far Side and we were drinking wine.
and then I don't know how it happened.
I mean it was a mistake.
It was obviously a mistake.
I mean we tried to have a baby together for years, and we couldn't, and we slip up this one time.
It was one time, and then boom! So you had sex in the storage unit? Why are you so fixated on the storage unit part of the story? - So that's a yes? - Yes.
In the storage unit.
We had sex in the storage unit.
And Now I'm pregnant.
Oh Congratulations! No.
No congratulations, okay? - Why? - No.
You've wanted this for like the last ten years.
What are you talking about? This is the biggest mess of my entire life.
- So you don't want to be pregnant? - What? How could you say that? Of course I want to be pregnant.
I mean this is like literally all I wanted for the last ten years.
- So, congratulations! - No.
It's too soon for congratulations.
One out of three pregnancies at this stage end in a miscarriage.
And I haven't even seen the heartbeat yet.
So here's to hoping you see a heartbeat.
Yeah? Then I'll be forever yoked to some guy who cheated on me for our entire marriage.
Yeah, that's right, Marianne.
Everybody wins in that scenario.
- Have you told Ethan? - No.
I'm not going to.
That's just insane.
I need to find out if this pregnancy is real first, okay? I mean, I I've been disappointed so many times before, you know, and I just [SIGHS.]
I don't know.
I just I don't want to tell him and then it's not real, you know, and then he's back in my life.
I get it.
Okay? 100 percent.
I got it.
Oh, my God.
What? Do you believe in reincarnation? Honestly.
I mean it's possible.
What if this baby [VOICE CRACKING.]
that you're carrying is Tag being reborn? [CRYING.]
What? That's a fun thought.
[SOBS.]
[HANDS TAPPING.]
[CLAPS.]
[HITS TABLE.]
It's a good to have your egg at room temperature.
At the same time, I'm gonna add a little bit of [PAN KNOCKING NOISES.]
Oh, my God.
Honey.
And now the Q doesn't See how it kind of sticks It doesn't spring.
It's supposed to be - Yeah.
You know it doesn't - It's supposed to type.
I'll just stand back and let you You don't need to alright.
Or do you want to go and come back, and I'll if you're going to be a while.
I'm done.
- That's it? - Yeah, I'm done.
Do you know like about science, like a fantasy Fantasy's kind of my world.
Get in there.
Have a seat.
Well, yeah.
King Strong Back is That's kinda like the centerpiece of the whole thing.
Try "Triumphantly".
It doesn't, right? It doesn't feel like it at all.
- No, it doesn't.
No.
- She wouldn't respond to that.
The princess's breasts It doesn't have do that in the script yet.
I think metaphors are good.
Metaphors are good.
I disagree, but You can't just go right to the center There's no passion with these two.
- There's gotta be - You know there's no passion.
That's the whole point of the kingdom.
- They're just horses fucking now.
- They're horses! Good luck writing a book, because You know? I will have some good luck.
Thank you.
[NOTIFICATION SOUND.]
With us? Sam and Ethan, together? They're together? "Come celebrate Fourth of July with us.
We would love to see you.
Love, Sam and Ethan.
" This is revolting.
it's unconscionable.
Did you even know they were together? No.
I talk to Sam all the time, and she never mentioned anything about being with Ethan.
It's like a total barf zone, man, I want to be thinking about our nation's independence, not Sam and Ethan's underpants mushing together.
He's so scrawny, Nick.
Don't put those grotesque images in my mind.
- I don't want to see it.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, you're gonna see it, because we have to go.
- Really? - Eww - So what's the plan? - Why are you wearing a jean bikini? - Tell me you have a change of clothes.
- It's a jeankini.
This is supposed to be less uncomfortable.
- Don't worry about it.
- You're making this more awkward.
What's the plan? Guys, we need to be real caj.
tonight, okay? Real caj.
I'm all about caj.
I'm like a saber-tooth caj hound.
- Okay.
Please.
Let's focus.
- Yeah.
Look.
I've been trying to work on a relaxed face.
Okay.
Like Really? Okay.
You guys are together? [SCOFFS.]
- Cool.
- I'm cool with it.
Oh, so you guys are together now? Why don't you use the face that you had - before you made that face? - I don't remember that face.
- Can you show me the face? - Yeah.
- No.
- That's my normal face? - I don't think that was me.
- Good.
Now my face is weird.
- What's that face? - I'm being casual.
That's not a casual face.
What's that face? I don't know.
None of my faces feel natural anymore.
I don't know what to do with my jaw.
If we can't remember our normal faces.
We have to leave.
We can't be here.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Come on in.
- Hi.
- It's so great to see you guys.
- Yeah.
- You got a big box.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
How are your pages coming? I just finished my first two chapters.
I'll send them to you.
It's 65 pages.
65 pages? - Two chapters is 65 pages? - Exactly.
No.
Please don't worry.
Not solid.
It's really rough.
And it needs a lot of editing.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
Sure.
You know, I did that, too.
I wrote like 70 pages to 100 pages.
- Wow.
that's half the book.
- Yeah.
[ETHAN LAUGHS.]
And, read 'em rough.
- Rough, just kind of - Oh, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just you know but like a lot of pages.
- Good.
- I'm having the best time.
I love writing! Good, buddy.
[SIGHS.]
We should've not come here.
This is a bad idea.
So guys erm who wants to know what's inside Nick's box? - I would.
- Me.
- We all do.
- Me, too.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
Okay.
It's fireworks.
Oh, shit.
No way.
- Hey.
- No way! [LAUGHTER.]
Just to be really clear though.
I mean we can't set off illegal fireworks in my backyard.
What are you? A cop? - [ALL LAUGHING.]
- No, just a homeowner.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
Can I have a serving plates for when the burgers are done, babe? [CRICKET SOUNDS.]
I am so sorry.
Alright.
Alright, fine.
You know what? - Let's just do this.
- Let's not.
Yeah.
No, we're going to do it.
- No, we should not.
- Just say what you got to say, - okay? - Do not.
Just shit takas, get it all off your chest.
- OK? - Babe! - No.
No more with the babe, please.
- God.
Would you stop? - I can't.
- He's doing it, again.
- Make him stop.
- Too many babes.
Look.
We have to get comfortable with this, if we're going to be together.
[DISAPPROVINGLY.]
Oh, together.
And you guys have to get comfortable, too, so, say your piece.
Max, you start.
Why? No.
I don't want to talk about it.
I'm not comfortable with you guys.
You know? Being and then I don't want to.
say it.
That's fine.
Nick, you go next.
I didn't like it when he touched your back.
- No.
- Okay.
Fair enough.
Why don't we start with something like him - touching my arm? - Right.
Okay? - I don't like it.
No.
- You need to stop.
What's happening? - It is going.
- No.
God.
- No.
Why? - Can you take it? - Your whole bodies are touching.
- His front sides! What's happening? - Are your eyes closed? - Honestly, this isn't funny.
- [SAM AND ETHAN CHUCKLE.]
- Honestly, guys.
This isn't funny.
Are you being serious? You guys have had the most destructive, dishonest relationship since college, [SCOFFS.]
and we're supposed to be on board with all of this? Marianne, we are trying to do the right thing here.
- Yeah.
- What about Lisa? I've told her already.
She's not upset.
She's probably not upset because you're looking at why.
What? What? No.
I mean I said she's probably not upset because She's with me now.
So.
Yeah.
If she were here, we'd probably, you know, be calling each other babe, too.
Huh I did not know that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now you know.
- Well, you know what? Good for her.
- Yeah.
And you.
That's - That's great.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
Yeah, and trust me, Nick.
You're not together.
Do you know something? You know what, guys? I'm out.
Marianne, come on.
Don't go.
- Marianne - Let's just talk it out.
Marianne.
Come on, honey.
That was weird.
She's still in mourning.
I think she'll be fine.
Hey.
- Let's set off some of those fireworks? - Yes.
Let's do that.
All right.
- All right.
- Cool.
Erm yeah, this little bad boy is called Forced Entry.
Oh I don't want that.
Eww Okay.
Here we go.
Uhh Okay.
Here we go.
Oh That was weird.
You know what? They're like six years old, so maybe they don't work anymore.
- Don't put it in your mouth.
- [SCREAMING.]
Don't do it.
Guys, take it easy.
Not a big deal.
Just stop being a bunch of hyper diaper-wipers, alright? - Nick, don't.
- It's fine.
[FIREWORKS SOUNDS.]
Oh, my God.
Get cover! Oh, my God.
That's my kitchen.
You shouldn't have left the door open.
Gosh This is such a mess.
[BROKEN GLASS SOUNDS.]
Wow This is not coming off.
I am so sorry that your kitchen is destroyed.
It was fun.
It was really fun.
Actual fireworks went off in here.
How cool is that? - Should we set off more? - No.
No, definitely not.
We did it.
We're on the open now.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
No turning back.
You know what? I feel so much lighter now.
Me, too.
Babe.
[PETER GABRIEL - "BOOK OF LOVE" PLAYING.]