Fun at the Funeral Parlour (2001) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Enjoy yourselves.
She stood laughing I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more My, my, my - He's very good.
- Yeah.
I love these theme nights.
I can't wait for next week.
I've already stuffed my kestrel for Kes night.
Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any more Thank you.
Good night.
(ALL CHEERING) My go.
Sing like a lion, boy bach! (CHEERING) I saw the light on the night Aren't there any other songs? I saw the flickering shadows No.
Oh, no, no, I can't watch.
I'm too embarrassed.
I'm gonna go and pass a motion.
She was woman God.
Bloody Amish night.
Give me what you owe me.
I've been having soggy dreams about this moment.
Prepare to romp with Beelzebub.
(GROANING) (PERCY FARTING) Shit.
(SINGING OFF-KEY) # Delilah, why, why, why, Delilah Why, why I felt the knife in me hand And she laughed no more My, my, my, Delilah Dr Anderson! Dr Anderson! Dr Anderson.
Oh.
No, it's not what it looks like! (SIGHING) He was one of the greatest clowns in Christendom.
Goodbye, Dr Anderson.
We'll miss you.
You cheeky monkey.
IVOR: Boys! - How is the clown? - Oh, fine.
He looks a marvel.
Yeah, I don't like clowns.
They give me the knickers.
When I was a kid, they used to make my Brussels go funny.
You know that feeling? No.
Yes, you do.
Like when you're on a swing or something.
- Or when you go over a hump-back bridge.
- Yeah, that's right.
Or when Mr Bones, the butcher, takes you in the back room and gives you beef jerky.
Yeah.
(CAR APPROACHING) Ah, right.
Are you ready? We are going down to visit Percy.
Well, how? We haven't got any cars.
They're both in service.
I've sorted that out.
We are borrowing the late Dr Anderson's car for the week.
(JOKE CAR HORN HONKING) And that'll be it now.
So, come on.
- Do you think Percy is innocent, Da? - 'Course he is.
He's a lot of things but he's not a clown killer.
Come on.
(CAR HORN HONKING) (CLATTERING) Hello.
We are here to visit Percy Thomas.
Wait here.
(WHISTLING) - Arwell.
- What is it? It's Percy's release form.
It hasn't been stamped yet.
So? Well, we could stamp it and get him out.
You can't do that.
It's illegal.
Besides, Percy's in the best place.
He's your brother, Arwell.
Don't you want to see him free again? No, I don't.
Percy's a parping druid.
He's a destructive force who should be kept locked up.
- Come on, man, Arwell.
He's innocent.
- We don't know that yet.
Well, I am your father, and I say that we approve him.
I disagree.
Percy should stay locked up.
- Rejected.
- Approved.
- Rejected.
- Approved.
- Rejected.
- Approved.
- Rejected.
- Rejected.
- Rejected.
- Rejected.
- Approved.
- Approved.
- Approved.
- Rejected.
- Rejected.
- Rejected.
Thomas, you got visitors.
Thomas? I said you got a visitor, numbnuts.
Percy.
Percy? That wasn't here before.
Oh, my God, he's gone! Now look what you've done.
You've totally ruined Percy's chances.
Good.
We better keep this to ourselves.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Quick.
(SIREN WAILING) Hey, what's that noise? I don't know.
Maybe a prisoner's escaped.
Come on, quick.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) Take a hike, shit for brains.
This is my jurisdiction.
Gather round, everyone.
All right.
Listen up, ladies and gentlemen.
Our fugitive has been on the run for about, I don't know, five hours.
That's average foot speed over uneven grounds about four miles an hour, barring injuries, so that gives us a radius of Bilko? Yeah, six miles.
What I want from you is a search of every gas station, fire station, railway station, PlayStation.
Every warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, owl houseboth barn and tawny.
Dog house, pig house, cow house, horse house, nude house, nut house, Pat Sharp Fun House.
Is there any other houses? - Wendy house, sir.
- Wendy house is a good one.
- Any more? - Greenhouse.
Hey, Bilko, you got spam for brains as well as legs? Greenhouse is transparent.
I don't think our fugitive is gonna hide out in one of those, now, do you? Nevertheless, it is a house, so check it out.
Our fugitive's name is Percy Thomas.
Let's go get him.
I can't believe he's gone and done it again.
- And I bet I know where he's headed.
- Where? Well, think now.
If you were on the run, where would be the first place that you would head for safety? Center Parcs? No, no, you soppy bloody muffin.
Home! Why would he want to go to Center Parcs? Well, it's got rapids and it's fun, whatever the weather.
Yeah.
Perhaps you're right.
Maybe he has gone to the magical place.
Are we going to the magical place? Can I ride the horses and pick the pines, and No, we've got a funeral to deal with.
Oh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but business is business.
If Percy's escaped, he's on his own.
Besides, he's not daft.
He's probably grown a beard by now.
Nobody'll recognise him.
(PANTING) Hi.
- Oh.
- Oh, which way to freedom, mister? Oh, it's It's Oh, it's that way.
- Where are you from? - Oh, the girls' prison down there.
Thanks, you're a help.
Tutti frutti.
WOMAN 1: Bye, Percy.
WOMAN 2: Bye, Percy.
MAN: Bye, Percy.
(CHUCKLING) Right.
Freedom.
(WATER RUNNING) (EXCLAIMING) Oh, he still hasn't come home.
Maybe you're right, you know.
Perhaps he has gone to Center Parcs.
Da, will you concentrate on the job in hand? We got a funeral in a couple of hours.
Huh? Oh, yes, yes, I'm sorry, Arwell.
I probably haven't been much use these last few days.
It's just that I can't stop quaking in the greenhouse.
It's the worry, you see.
(HEAVY KNOCKING ON DOOR) (GLASS SHATTERING) Hey, jerk-weed.
- You Ivor Thomas? - Yes.
MarshallJeepster.
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
That's the FBI to you.
Your son has escaped from prison.
And we have a warrant to search these here premises.
Bilko, show them.
That's a Penguin, Bilko.
I wanna see the warrant.
- Oh, I - You little tit-fart, Bilko! You get out of my short sight.
Get out of here.
Stand aside, butt-wipe.
(IVOR EXCLAIMING) So, where is the bastard, huh? Now, you listen up and you listen good.
I could have 50 Feds out back that door there quicker than you can say, "Pampers," if you don't tell me where that whip-ass scum is at.
Let's have a look here.
Who is this? That's That's Celia Craddox.
Arwell, get the Craddox out of the clown's box, for Christ's sake! Don't you touch that, knob-sod.
That there is evidence.
Bilko, I want you back in my sight, now.
I'm gonna get me some rubbings.
Where's your manners, worm-crack, huh? I want you to get me and my partner a box of Twinkies and a tin of corn beef, pronto.
Yes, sir.
We have a funeral Oh, why don't you shut your mouth, you pheasant-plucking bum-nugget.
All right.
Bilko.
All right.
Do you recognise any of these people? - That's the Academy Award-winning Ben Kingsley.
- Good.
Next.
That's the Academy Award-winning Denzel Washington.
Good.
Next.
Oh, now, that's That's the That's the late Sir Alec Guinness in Cromwell.
Good.
And, finally, this.
- Oh, that's That's Yentl.
- No, it is not.
That there is a picture of Dr Anderson the clown from San Jose.
- No, it's definitely Yentl.
- No, it is not.
This here is a picture of Oh, yeah, it is Yentl.
Bilko, you freaking quilt.
Why'd you get me a picture of Yentl? I wanna see me a picture of the clown.
Guy didn't have any pictures of clowns.
He just had Yentl.
Your son is wanted by the FBI for the assassination of three historical figures.
And Yentl.
- Don't you mean Dr Anderson the clown? - Yeah, whatever, whatever.
He killed them all.
Now I don't want to play games, Mr Thomas.
Now I wanna know where he is, and I wanna know now.
Look, I cannot help you.
I am sorry! (PHONE RINGING) Don't touch that.
Bilko, I want you to tap that phone.
All right.
Here's what we're going to do.
You're gonna get that, diaper features, 'cause I wanna get a fix on him.
And you're gonna keep him talking.
Keep him talking! 'Cause I don't wanna lose that son of a bitch.
We are gonna nail this runaway vulva.
Hello, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas and Thomas here.
PERCY: Iechyd da, Da.
It's Percy here.
I'm in Swansea.
- It's him! - I'm coming home, Da.
Oh, no, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Go back to the police station.
Bollocks to that.
I'm free and I bloody loves it.
See you later.
I'm off to see the Colonel for some finger-licking fun.
Well, Bilko, did you get a trace on that? Call wasn't long enough, sir, I didn't get a chance.
You tit, Bilko.
He could be anywhere in the world by now.
We just let that son of a bitch slip through our fingers like a trout-shaped turd, and it's all your fault.
Okay, listen up.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna play that tape back, we're gonna listen for some background noise.
Give us a clue, maybe a train announcer, nachos, Craig Charles, something, anything.
He's in Swansea.
You do know where he is.
I knew it.
Yes, he just said.
- Arwell, enough! - Shh, old-timer.
"Old-timer"? You cheeky fart.
What did he say? Didn't you hear the call? No, I was too busy listening to the noises in my brain.
He said he's in Swansea and he's gone to see the Colonel for some finger-licking fun.
- Colonel? - Sanders.
Colonel Sanders.
Leader of the Kentucky Fried Army.
Okay, Bilko, we're off to the KFC.
We're gonna get that Percy back inside before he even gets a chance to think about wiping himself with a lemon-scented refreshing clean-up tissue.
You daft, French, fanny-wizard! Now look what you've done! You've dropped Percy right in it.
They didn't know where he was until you said.
I'm only doing my bit for the community.
You don't get to be a justice of the peace just like that, you know? Right.
Gwynne, have you finished with the balloons? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yeah, all done.
Oh.
That's better.
I feel a million dollars after that refreshing wipe.
Ah, freedom.
- There he is.
- Which one? The one with the bright yellow boiler suit and the ankle chains, you winkle.
(STUTTERING) Oh, right.
That one.
Oh, freaking despair.
You get the lights on now, Bilko.
(SIREN WAILING) (CAR HORN HONKING) (CAR BACKFIRING) You all right? No, I'm not too good at the moment, to be honest.
I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Twin Peaks.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) JEEPSTER: Come on out, Percy, I know you're there.
Come on.
Show yourself, boy.
- I know you killed Yentl.
- Yentl? I didn't kill Yentl! No, no, he's right boss.
You're getting confused.
I got all the pictures muddled up, remember? - Shut up, both of you! - Yeah.
Right.
If I say he killed Yentl, he killed Yentl.
I call the shots around here.
(CAR ALARM BLARING) Get him! Hey, Bilko, where's the ticket, you freaking moose? - Well, I gave the ticket to you.
- Oh, hell.
Open the barrier! Hey, come on.
Open the damn barrier.
We're the FBI.
If you'd like to follow me into the church.
(CAR BACKFIRING) PERTWEE: Dr Anderson was a clown.
He loved performing for the kiddiwinks and the Kurds.
They do suffer terrible.
Now, however, he'll be performing to a different audience.
The worms.
Yes, the sea lion of mortality has balanced its last ball on its pancreas.
And the ringmaster of life has whipped its last big cat.
Dr Anderson, once such a funny, you know, really funny man, won't be laughing any more, for he is now a dead 'un.
Culled like a sod from a bog.
Oh, get off me, you clown! Da, it's me, Percy.
Percy, you rotten kidney.
Oh, my God, you haven't turned clown, have you? They say prison can do that to a man, you know.
No, no, no, I haven't.
I'm in disguise.
I'm on the run.
The FBI are after me.
They think I killed Yentl.
- Did you? - No, of course I didn't.
Listen, Da, you've got to get me out of here.
I'm in shtuck.
Oh, what have we got by here? Oh, it's a bucket.
Shall I? Shall I? MAN: Not funny.
See? Not laughing now, are you? You bunch of white-faced, red-conked freaks! Am I laughing? Am I laughing? Am I laughing? No! Not so funny on the other side, is it? Right.
Music.
If you'd like to turn to page 69 in your hymn books.
Nathan.
I want my MTV - What are you doing here? - Escaping.
Look, take the keys to the clown car, drive it to the border, right, - and leave it there.
You shall be safe in Bristol.
- Right.
(GUN FIRING) Whoops.
Okay, where is he? Come on out.
Show yourself, boy.
I'll find you.
You can't fool me.
Hey! Do you mind? I'm trying to bury a clown here! Why don't you shut up, boy, 'cause this is my jurisdiction.
All right, then, please yourself.
There he is.
Well, well, well, what have we here? At last we meet.
I've been searching high and wide for you, boy.
Matter of fact, I've been having me damp, soggy dreams about this moment.
Prepare to romp with Beelzebub.
Hold on.
It's you.
That's what the bog murderer said.
You can't put that stunt on me, boy.
You're mine.
It's time to die.
BILKO: Oh, no, it's not.
- You're coming with me.
- Huh? You're under arrest, MarshallJeepster Junior III.
Or should I call you Schmitz? Bilko, you get back in your lazy chair and you shut up, boy.
My name's not Bilko.
I am Dr G.
Special agent and psychiatric doctor.
Three days ago, Dr Anderson was murdered at the British Legion.
I know.
So? He was murdered by a man with one arm.
A one-armed man who'd recently escaped from the Russ Abbot Madhouse, seeking revenge on him.
(JEEPSTER LAUGHING) Well, then, there now, lookie here.
I got me two arms, tit-marsh.
Or don't they teach you how to count arms in the CIA? JEEPSTER: Oh, crap! No.
Die! Die! Die! (EXCLAIMING) IVOR: Is he dead? BILKO: Aye.
- Who was he? - His name was Schmitz.
He was the ringmaster at Dr Anderson's circus.
Then one day he had his arm bitten off by Anderson's walrus.
'Course, losing his whipping arm rendered Schmitz totally useless, and a fruitful career in clowning was scuppered.
So he seeked his revenge.
He's been planning Anderson's murder for 16 years.
- So why was he trying to kill me? - You were the only witness to the murder.
See, I told you I was innocent.
Yeah, I had arranged to have you released ages ago but your release papers mysteriously disappeared.
Oh, it's probably Schmitz.
So, anyway, I've had some new ones drawn up.
Oh, that's that bloody Penguin.
Here we go.
Yup.
Here they are.
The new papers.
I can pronounce you, Percy Thomas, to be a free and innocent man.
(EXCLAIMING) Just like Harrison Ford in all his films.
Except What Lies Beneath.
He actually turns out to be the baddie in that one.
Oh, no, sorry.
I do hope I haven't spoiled the ending for you.
- ALL: Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, good.
(IVOR EXCLAIMING) All my boys together again like a flock of lions! Hey, I tell you what.
Let's celebrate, huh? Let's crack open a tin of peaches.
Right.
And it looks like you got another body to bury.
(HALLOWEEN THEME PLAYING) SCHMITZ: I'm gonna get him back.
(SCHMITZ GRUNTING) Oh, not again.
I can see this happening another seven more times.
SCHMITZ: I'm gonna get him.