Futurama s02e07 Episode Script

A Head in the Polls You're entering the vicinity|of an area adjacent to a location.
A place you might find a monster|or Weird mirror.
These are examples.
|It could be much better.
Prepare to enter The Scary Door.
Per your request, please find enclosed|the last man on earth.
Finally, solitude.
|I can read books for all eternity.
It's not fair.
|It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad.
|I can read the large print books.
It's not!|Well, lucky I can read braille.
Hey, look, a weird mirror.
Cursed by his own hubris.
A debate's on!|Change the channel! That's what Fry said|when we turned on the debate.
C-Span 9 presents|"The Thrill of Politics.
" There are no car chases but one of these men will become|president of the world.
So? We live in the United States.
That's part of the world.
I have been gone a long time.
It's time someone|had the courage to say: "I'm against things everybody hates.
" I respect my opponent.
|He's a good man.
But frankly, I agree with everything|he just said! These candidates sound like clones.
Wait, they are clones! Even with identical DNA,|they differ on key issues.
Your three-cent titanium tax|goes too far! Your three-cent titanium tax|doesn't go too far enough! If I were registered,|I'd send a message by staying home on election day,|dressed like a clown.
- You're not registered?|- Not vaccinated, either.
One vote never made a difference.
The first robot president won|by exactly one vote.
John Quincy Adding Machine.
He enticed voters by pledging|not to go on a killing spree.
But, like most, he promised|more than he could deliver.
One vote can make a difference and even though it won't,|you're going to register.
Yes, that's a capital idea!|Let's all go register.
When did you care about voting? The very instant I became old.
The problem is,|both parties give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
They get all the breaks! You could join a third party, maybe.
Only weirdos and mutants|join third parties.
I'd better keep an eye out|at the next meeting.
- What's your party, Bender?|- I can't vote.
- Because you're a robot?|- No, a felon.
We favor huge subsidies|to the Brain Slug planet.
Okay, but what are the Brain Slugs|gonna do for the working man? - Attach Brain Slugs to them.
|- Sure, you say that now.
Is it true you can make shirts|and rope out of hemp? Dave's not here, man.
- I heard hemp makes great shampoo.
|- It does? No way!|I gotta check out this brochure.
What are you doing to protect my right|to bear doomsday devices? We'll get rid of the three-day|waiting period for mad scientists.
Today, the mad scientist can't get|a doomsday device tomorrow, the mad grad student.
|Where will it end? Amen! I don't go anywhere|without my mutated anthrax for duck hunting.
Sure, humans are cute but how will we test cosmetics? I concur.
Here's a party to get excited about.
|Sign me up.
Not with that attitude.
- Okay, screw it.
|- Welcome aboard, brother! - All right!|- You're out.
I'm actually getting interested|in politics.
With tWo Weeks left,|the question is Who Will be|the next president of Earth? Jack Johnson,|or bitter rival, John Jackson? Terrific candidates, huh, Morbo? All humans are vermin|in the eyes of Morbo.
Disaster struck|on Saturn's moon, Titan When a titanium mine collapsed,|trapping 1000 robot Workers.
Good lord! Without a quick response,|the robots Will die Within 300 years.
What rescue operations are planned? We'll pave over the area,|then move on.
The neWs sent|titanium prices skyrocketing.
- I'm rich!|- What do you mean? My body's 40 percent titanium.
I'm finally richer than those|snooty ATMs.
- Too bad you can't spend it.
|- Oh, can't I? - No.
|- Watch me, poor man.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Game's over, losers.
|I have all the money.
Compare your lives to mine,|and then kill yourselves.
Hey, get away! You get five dollars to not do|what you're thinking about.
You just lost five dollars.
Hey, buddy, little help? Thank you! Hello, peasants.
What happened to you? Yeah, did you get a haircut? No, I sold my body! Sold your body?|Bender, I've been down that road.
It's glamorous,|the parties are great but you'll spend every dollar|on jewelry and skintight pants.
How are you gonna live without a body? Bodies are for hookers and fat people.
All I need is a wad of|cash with a head.
- Now you can pay off your loan shark.
|- What's he gonna do, break my legs? This is the life.
Another martini, please? Shaken, not stirred.
Yeah! Put it all on black.
I beg your pardon, 33 black.
Yes!|The rich get richer! Strike!|In your face, Leela! Timber! Can I ride in your car? No, it looks like your neck stepped|in something.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's just your body.
Look me in the shins and say that! I've had it up to here|with this place.
I'm off to hang out with classy heads|like me, who appreciate poetry, philosophy, hats.
So long, coffin stuffers! Could one of you coffin stuffers|please carry me? Which group of heads is good enough|for me? What do you think, Fry? Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
I recognize you.
|Didn't you have a body? Yeah, but it was holding me back.
I just did the cover of|the Sports Illustrated Swim Cap Issue.
You're looking great.
- I'd like to lose a few pounds.
|- Couldn't hurt.
U.
S.
presidents.
Sturdy shelves, good security.
This place has class.
Hi, sugar.
Legally, nothing I can do|counts as sex anymore.
I apologize.
He gets this way|around meaty-looking women.
I remember you.
|I was gonna vote for you.
But voting isn't cool,|so I got trashed on Listerine.
I've never felt voting is essential|to the process.
No kidding, Ford.
So the hooker-bot says,|"That's not my expansion slot" and my friend says,|"That's not my 25-pin connector!" Bender, thou robots|really cracketh me up.
I like it here.
|What's the rent for a jar? Sorry, we can't let every|Tom, Dick and Harry move in.
No offense,|Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.
How about the closet|of presidential losers? Bob Dole needs company.
|LaRouche won't stop telling jokes.
- Pass.
|- What hath happened to your body? - I hocked it.
|- Why wouldst thou do that? - Same reason you hocked your teeth.
|- Ah, booze money.
I remember my body: Flabby, pasty-skinned,|riddled with phlebitis.
A good Republican body.
|God, I loved it.
I spent my teen years loving my body.
|Of course, it was tough love He opened relations with China.
|He doesn't care about your ding-dong.
Even if you miss your body,|being a head's great too? No, son.
|It's a sad and lonely life.
Great!|Now you tell me.
That's my style.
|Kick them when they're down.
Ones, zeros one, one, zero, zero, one - Bender, what is it?|- What an awful dream.
Ones and zeros everywhere!|And I thought I saw a two.
It was just a dream.
|There are no twos.
I know what's wrong.
My body loved me,|and I turned its back on it.
Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon|round your neck.
I'm coming home! You sold my body!|To who? I can't reveal that.
|But I'll give you $50 for the kid.
- My clothes are worth 50 bucks.
|- Deal.
How could I let this happen?|I can't go through life like this! - What about your self-destruct button?|- It's on my body! What am I gonna do? I can't stand to see a robot cry.
|Let's watch TV.
And so, ladies and gentlemen,|I'm throwing my head into the ring.
I'm announcing my candidacy|for the Presidency of Earth! Sir, the Constitution states nobody can be elected president|more than twice.
That's right, no "body.
" But, as you can plainly see,|I've got a shiny new body.
Bender, he's got your body! That double-crossing bastard!|How dare he run off with Nixon! - He must have bought your body.
|- And that electric guitar.
I'm meeting you halfway,|you stupid hippies.
I am not a crook's head.
Yeah, you are!|You stole my body.
Fry, Leela, you gotta help me.
Ordinarily I'd say no, and how|it's your fault for being an idiot.
But when a robotic Nixon is loose,|we have to take action! Idiot.
Morbo will introduce the candidates.
Puny human number one.
Puny human number two.
And my good friend, Richard Nixon.
Hello, Morbo.
|How's the family? Belligerent and numerous.
Good man.
|Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
First he steals my body,|now he's touching my stuff.
We've got to find a way|to talk to him.
Morbo demands an answer|to the following question: If you saw candy in the hands|of a small child would you seize and eat it? Unthinkable! Wouldn't think it! What about you, Mr.
Nixon?|You are under a truth-o-scope.
The question is vague.
You don't say what kind of candy,|whether anyone is watching I certainly wouldn't harm the child.
You scored big points.
What?|They ate me alive out there.
But your body's message was,|"Look at my shiny new body.
" You've got real charisma|from the neck down.
Nixon with charisma? My God, I can rule the universe! Give my body back, you thief! Look here, you drugged-out communist.
|I paid for this body and I'd no sooner return it|than I would my dog.
Shut up! Please, we're appealing|to your sense of decency.
Seriously, I'm never giving back|this body.
Beat it! Or I'll get Cambodian|on your asses! It's hopeless.
We might as well turn|in my head for the five-cent deposit.
My best friend's not getting recycled! Not for five cents,|not for 500 cents.
- I have a plan.
|- I have a better plan.
Why would Nixon stay here? You get a discount|if you've been here before.
Keep going.
|We're right behind you.
Whoa, mama.
|Get a room, you two! - We're in a room!|- Then lose some weight! Oh, yeah.
You women's libbers|really know how to party.
There I am.
Hey, Betty Friedan,|send a little of that lotion my way.
Okay.
Almost got it.
Steady.
Steady.
|Don't panic.
- You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve.
|- I want what's mine! - Don't make me kick your neck.
|- Bring it on, soup can.
Break it up, you two! That's it!|You're going to jail! And I don't grant pardons|like that sissy, Ford.
You won't pardon anyone,|because you won't get elected.
The voters aren't pea-brained|idiots anymore.
No? Listen here, missy.
Computers may be twice as fast|as they were in 1973 but voters are as drunk|and stupid as ever! The only one who's changed is me.
|I've become bitter and crazy.
Once I'm in office, I'll sell our|children's organs to zoos for meat! I'll go into people's houses at|night and wreck up the place! He lost my vote.
One vote won't make a difference.
Excuse me, while I inch myself over|to the phone and call the police.
Not so fast, Nixon!|Are you familiar with audio tape? I don't like where this is heading.
I'll go into people's houses at|night and Wreck up the place! I really sound like that? I thought I had a Clark Gable quality.
We'll trade you the tape|for the body.
Oh, expletive deleted!|You've got a deal.
Hey, I've got one last thought.
It's good to be back|in one piece again except for these damn|bumper stickers.
The sheer drama has driven turnout|to its highest level in centuries six percent! Exit polls shoW evil underdog|Richard Nixon trailing With zero votes.
Yes, the system works! The time is 7:59,|and the robot polls are opening.
The robot vote is in.
|Nixon has Won! Why'd they vote for him,|now that he's just a head? I give you the next|president of Earth! Nixon's back! I can't believe it.
|He won by a single vote.
It ain't my fault.
|I'm a non-voting felon.
It's not my fault.
|I forgot to vote.
Crud, I knew there was something|I meant to do today.
Morbo congratulates|our gargantuan cyborg president.
May death come quickly|to his enemies.
Who's kicking who around now? Knock knock.