Grand Crew (2021) s02e07 Episode Script
Wine & Honors
1
Hey, yo, is everything OK with Fay?
Well, that doesn't seem good.
That seems pretty good.
OK, I'm even more lost.
Yeah, his form is trash.
Can't believe he
really shoots like that.
I got the champagne you ordered, Sherm.
- Sorry about the wait.
- Oh, it's all good.
Hey, question:
What the hell were you
and Amir talking about?
- Yeah.
- Oh, nothing.
- Just talking shop.
- Wait a minute.
Sherm, why are you poppin' bottles?
- It's only Tuesday.
- Why not?
It's Saturday somewhere.
It's definitely not.
Saturday is a state of mind.
Plus, I bought this bottle
because our boy Anthony
is receiving UCLA's Young
Alumnus of the Year award.
- BOTH: Ohh!
- Ooh!
Amazing.
Thanks, y'all. It's
not that big of a deal.
Nah, it is.
I guess I'm the man!
To Anthony's greatness, huh?
Clang, clang.
ALL: Clang, clang.
Ooh. Are you gonna get
one of those big checks
like Publishers Clearing House?
No. Why would I get one of
those for an academic award?
I don't know. Thought
maybe you'd get one.
It doesn't matter. Anthony's a legend.
- Clang, clang.
- ALL: Clang, clang!
All right, all right.
Enough about me.
Anything new going on with y'all?
I guess.
I'm having a yard sale.
Boring! Back to cheersing Anthony!
- Clang, clang!
- ALL: Clang, clang!
Whoop, whoop ♪
Cabernet and sauvignon ♪
Team is here and now it's on ♪
Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪
Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
If you got me, then I got you ♪
This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew ♪
- Oh!
- Oh, Rich.
- That boy clean!
- I call this one tux-matic.
Nice. It's a great look.
- How you feelin', bro?
- [SIGHS] Crazy.
I can't believe I'm gonna
be honored in front of
all these UCLA greats.
Well, I can, because you're an animal.
You're a beast. You got that
- you got that dog in you.
- [BARKING]
[BOTH BARKING]
OK. I see why it is in hype man mode.
Hey, when one of us eats, we all eat.
- Yay, yay!
- ALL: Yay, yay!
But what about your hype girl?
Oh, yeah. Why did you
invite Sherm instead of Fay?
That doesn't make sense.
No disrespect, Sherm.
None taken. Why the
hell am I your plus one?
This is a black tie
event, and, you know,
Fay and I are casual.
You can't be casual
at a black tie event.
Right. The dress code doesn't
match the dating vibes.
Exactly.
But it's all good. I
got my speech ready.
- I got my boys.
- Hey.
- I'm locked in.
- Ahh! Yes, let's go!
Yup, too much. I heard it.
But we should go because
we're gonna be late.
Oh, crap.
♪
I'll give you five for this.
OK. Thanks.
Five bucks? What the hell?
Yeah, I just wanna get rid of it.
That's the point of the yard sale.
Well, see, you're lucky I'm here.
I'll help you sell all this stuff
and make out like a bandit.
But it's all old junk.
Everything is just junk
until you give it a good story.
Watch and learn.
Ooh, this trash can was used as a drum
in the original production of "Stomp."
Really? I'll take it.
See her over there?
She's selling these chairs
to raise money for her uncle.
He can't sit anymore.
He lost his buttocks in the war.
Poor guy. We'll take them.
How much?
Michael Jordan used this
towel to wipe the sweat
off his head at the flu game.
Money bag, money bag, money bag, uh ♪
Money bag, money bag, money bag ♪
- He can tell from the front ♪
- Ahh!
I got it behind me ♪
And I park my Bentley
truck on my Versace driveway ♪
Seth Rogen made this couch by hand?
- BOTH: Yep.
- And it's a functional bong.
Money bag, money bag, money bag ♪
Sideways, sideways, sideways ♪
♪
Feels good to be back, fellas.
For real.
Oh, snap.
It's Reggie Hilgard.
He won this award last year.
Oh, man, there he is.
Reggie, my dude.
You remember Wyatt and Noah?
Oh, and this is the homie, Sherm.
What's up, fellas?
It's been a while, man. Seems
like everything's going great.
Hey, you know, try my best.
- How you been?
- Good, just working on my second startup.
Sold the first, and I'm partnering
with Barack and Michelle on
a healthy cereal for kids.
It's called Obam-O's.
- Dang!
- Wow.
- Staying busy.
- Clearly.
You're on fire.
You're too kind.
Hey, big congrats.
I'm excited to introduce
you tonight for your award.
I appreciate that.
Hey, you know, you did this last year.
Got any advice for me?
Nah, you'll be fine, bro.
Just don't quote the dictionary.
The dude who won this before me
crashed and burned doing that mess.
I actually think that
he was a weak candidate,
you know, a bit of a lightweight, so
Oh, I gotta make the rounds.
- Later, guys.
- [CHUCKLES]
Dang. Such a cool dude still.
Yeah.
What's wrong?
"Google defines success as the
accomplishment of an aim or purpose."
Well, damn.
I can't go out there
and give this speech.
- I'll embarrass myself in front of all these people.
- Relax.
It's not that many people.
Damn, it's a lot of
people out there! Whoo!
You know how hard it was
for me to get this cheese?
What? What's wrong?
Oh, y'all wanted some cheese?
OK, you can each have
one piece. I only have 35.
You deserve this award.
And the speech will be fine.
If you don't wanna say
the words you prepared,
just go up there and
speak from the heart.
Go say stupid stuff
to someone else, Noah.
I have a speech to figure out.
♪
That was incredible.
Who knew lying can be such an art form?
That's right. Every fib
is like a paint stroke.
This is my greatest work yet.
Also, did we just sell all
of your living room furniture?
Yeah, because it's all old stuff.
You're sweating.
You sweat when you lie.
Are you keeping something from me?
No. No.
This is just residual sweat
from lying to people all day long.
Right. OK.
Hey, did you see a small, wooden trunk
lying around anywhere?
Oh, a little guy with gold latches?
Yeah, I think we sold that to somebody.
- Oh, shoot.
- What?
That had our special bottle
of cab franc inside of it.
The expensive one we
got at the vineyard.
- Who did you sell it to?
- I don't know.
We saw so many people today,
I'm having trouble remembering.
OK, OK. Let's just think about
everyone who bought something today.
- OK.
- Was it the guy in the scrubs?
No. He bought your
shoes. He sniffed them.
- Creep.
- Oh.
Was it the lady with the three dogs?
No.
I sold her your laundry baskets,
and she kissed her
dogs right on her mouth.
It was kind of, like,
intense. Creep. Oh, my God,
was it the guy with
the crystal necklace?
Right, right! You mean the
guy with the dragon tattoo.
Yes, and guess what.
He paid with Venmo!
OK.
His name is Steven.
I got his location, boom.
Looks like he has a
thrift store in Torrance.
How'd you find that out so fast?
Venmo, Instagram, Google,
his mom's very political,
Twitter, geo tags
Listen, nobody is safe.
Come on, let's go.
♪
What's going on here?
Oh, they're having some charity auction.
People are bidding for the opportunity
to have dinner tonight with
some guy named Zeb Jenkins.
Zwhat? Zeb Jenkins?
The Zeb Jenkins?
Oh, yeah, I've heard of him.
The business mogul, right?
He was here for half a semester
and the school still claims him.
That's how they always do.
A dinner with Zeb Jenkins
would change my life.
He's your favorite CEO's favorite CEO.
International business man of mystery.
I gotta have that dinner.
All right. We're gonna
start the bidding at $1,000.
Do I hear $1,000? $1,000.
- Thank you, sir.
- No offense, Sherm,
but you are too broke for this.
Damn. Truth hurts.
$1,500. Do I hear $2,000?
$2,000? $2,000. Thank you, ma'am.
Do I hear $3,000?
$10,000.
- Ooh.
- Oh, no.
Hold up.
$15,000.
Yo.
Bro, what the [BLEEP]?
Well, we have got ourselves an auction.
$15,000.
Do I hear $15,500? $15,500?
$20,000.
$30,000.
Stop, please.
$40,000.
$60,000.
Why would you skip $50,000?
You know they're going to
make you pay for this, right?
$75,000.
Sherm, give me that damn paddle.
$100,000.
[CROWD MURMURING]
$100,000.
$100,000, going once.
$100,000 going twice.
Uh-oh.
- $200,000.
- [CROW CLAMORING]
Going once, going twice.
[BANGS GAVEL] Sold, $200,000.
Thank you very much, sir.
What the hell was that?
Me executing my plan to perfection.
Zeb is famously introverted.
He'd never agreed to a
dinner with a random person.
But that guy is clearly a plant,
and I just got his attention.
Plant or not, you were this close
to owing UCLA as much as I do.
Congrats on avoiding financial ruin.
Yeah.
♪
- Ooh, there it is.
- Can I help you?
- Ooh!
- Oh, you guys.
Hi. OK, so something happened.
We sold you this chest,
but it wasn't for sale.
We'll give you back your 60 bucks.
- 60 bucks?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm selling it for
way more than 60 bucks.
You told me yourself this
chest was a prop in all five
of "The Pirates of
the Caribbean" movies.
That's what you said. Didn't you?
Don't act like you don't
know what we're doing.
- You're a salesman.
- Oh, I know.
It was the old fib and flip.
But either way, it's gonna cost you, um,
$2,000.
- What in Rhianna's name?
- Are you crazy?
I know sentimental value when I see it.
That is so much freaking money, but
Fine, $2,000. [SIGHS]
- [REGISTER DINGS]
- There. I Venmoed you.
Whoa, Nicky, you gotta slow down.
- Great. Here you go.
- Thanks.
You can't put a price on our friendship.
And even if we did, it would
be way more than $2,000.
Aww.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey! What the hell!
- Hey!
Where's the bottle?
Give us back our money.
Oh, I sold that bottle.
Sorry, no refunds.
- Thief!
- Don't act like you and I are so different.
We're cut from the same cloth, lady.
Who'd you sell that bottle to?
- Yeah.
- My brother.
He owns a dive bar a couple
of blocks north of here.
God, he's gonna sell
that expensive-ass bottle
in a dusty-ass dive bar.
Let's go, Fay.
- Suck on that!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
Run!
So, let's get us some speeches
that will hopefully trick
people into believing
that I deserve this award.
Or you might not need to
trick anyone if you just
speak from the old ticker.
What are you, 80?
[SCOFFS] I'm not doing your thing.
He said it weird, but I'm starting
- to think Noah might be right.
- Yeah.
You're the VP of one of the largest
accounting firms in L.A.
And you do all that
volunteer work with kids.
You are one of the most
successful people that we know.
That's because y'all don't know nobody.
Sorry. I'm stressed out.
Can I please run these speeches by you?
I need to make an impression.
- OK, yeah.
- OK.
Any accountant out there
wanna be an accountant,
wanna stay a star,
don't wanna worry about they boss
all up in they spreadsheets,
all up in they calculations?
Suge from the "Source Awards."
Don't do this.
And I said, clam chowder!
Boo!
Now, now, now, now, now,
look to your neighbor,
and say, neighbor!
- Neighbor!
- I believe in you!
Amen, Amen.
But don't do that.
- None of this is working?
- I mean,
just make a couple of tweaks.
- Hello, sir.
- Ah!
Please follow me.
For real? Is it Zeb?
Was I right?
[LAUGHS]
It was Zeb.
I was right.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
♪
Please sign this NDA.
A non-disclosure agreement
to enter a janitor's closet?
OK.
So there's the man who gave my
assistant a run for his money.
Or should I say, my money?
Oh, nice to meet you, Zeb.
It is an honor.
- Man, this is a wild setup.
- Thank you.
Would you like to join me for dinner?
Nah, I'm good. [LAUGHS]
- What? Of course.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
All right. Hello. My name is Damion.
I'll be your sommelier this evening.
So, to begin, I have
us starting with a 2001
Podere Caberlot from Tuscany.
Ooh, a Caberlot. That
is a rare-ass wine.
- Yeah.
- Only one estate in the world
- carries that varietal.
- Ah.
- You know your wines, man.
- I dabble. [LAUGHS]
- Cheers.
- Cheers, man.
Yeah.
Oh. Mmm.
Ooh, that is damn good.
I'm glad you like it.
I gave the same bottle
to Pharrell Williams
for his 75th birthday.
Pharrell Williams actually 75 years old?
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, he is holding up well.
Man, thank you so much
for this opportunity.
Ah, of course, man.
You know, I didn't wanna
have dinner with just anybody.
But I gotta say, you impress me.
Whew, it's good to hear you say that
because if I had have won that auction,
I would've had to fake my own death.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
- You OK?
- Uh, yeah, I'll be fine.
I just got back from outer
space, just gravity sickness.
Damn! What's it like in outer space?
I don't know how to describe it,
other than to say it's just very
- sexual.
- Mm.
Yeah. The Earth is just, like,
this big, blue ball, waiting to
Ah I think I got it. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, Zeb, would you be
willing to take a look
at some of my business ideas?
I'm trying to find a new path,
and I know you could help me.
Yeah. I suppose I could take a look.
Oh, man.
There you go.
Ugh, this place is sketchy.
Yeah, and they clearly
don't check IDs here.
Oh, hey, you're Steve's brother.
Yeah, Kervin. Who wants to know?
We do. He sold you a bottle
of wine, and we need it back.
- I'll sell it to you.
- Oh.
- For $3,000.
- Oh, come on!
- What?
- Seems pretty important to you,
take it or leave it.
Wait. What if I drink
you under the table?
[CHUCKLES] Excuse me?
I mean, if you're scared, just say so.
You wish! I accept.
Shot for shot.
But if I win, I get my $3,000.
You don't need to do this.
- Deal.
- [POURING DRINKS]
- Nicky.
- It's on.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
Ooh.
[DISTORTED VOICE] Ohh. Ah.
What the [BLEEP] is in this?
Jalapeno absinthe.
OK, we're doing it.
Oh, God.
[GROANING]
Damion, you done hit us
with another banger, man.
What is this, cab sauv? French?
That's a good catch, man.
This is actually a 2010
Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
Ooh. Oui, oui, my dude.
- Yes. [LAUGHS]
- I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Oh, I definitely am.
Hey, so what you think
about those business ideas?
There's a lot of good stuff in here.
- I'd like to use them.
- Wait. Really?
Yeah.
Oh, this is amazing.
Partnering with you is a dream.
Oh, no, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm gonna take your
ideas. They're mine now.
What? What you talking about?
Well, you know how these
are your ideas before?
- Yeah.
- They're mine now.
- You can't do that to me, man.
- I'll put you on blast.
I'll let everybody
know you stole my stuff.
- No, but you can't do that.
- You signed an NDA.
And in that NDA, you handed
over rights to all ideas
discussed at this dinner.
[SIGHS] The hell?
First rule of business:
Don't let anyone steal your ideas.
- That's the first rule?
- Yes.
Come on, man.
Pleasure meeting you, Sherman.
Sherman?
Only my mama calls me Sherman.
You're not my mama.
Bro, where have you been?
For a second there, we
thought you were skipping out.
No, I'm good.
There's this woman here
who's a speechwriter.
I paid her for one of her old speeches.
Let me see it.
- Have you read this?
- I skimmed it. Why?
Because the first line is,
"As a strong Black woman."
- It's fine.
- I'll make adjustments up there.
You know, it's not too late
to just speak from your
Heart? I'm good.
This isn't a rom com.
Yo.
How was dinner with Zeb?
- Zeb was trash.
- Really?
They should be auctioning
off a dinner with you.
How could that possibly be true?
Well, I signed an NDA, so thankfully,
I can't talk about it.
[GROANING]
This tastes like spicy tires.
- Give up?
- No.
I never give up. [RETCHES]
OK. OK, that's enough.
She's done.
Sorry.
I did not do good today.
- Pay up.
- All right.
- Give me my purse.
- Wait, Nicky, no.
What?
Look, I've lived in
four different countries.
I've been married, I've been divorced,
I've lived in silence
in a Buddhist monastery.
Wait, what?
This bottle of wine is not
just any bottle of wine.
It's a symbol of our friendship.
And I need it so that
we can drink it together
before I, um
Nicky, I'm moving back to New York.
I didn't know how or when to tell you,
and I felt awful lying to you all day.
So please, if you can
find it in your heart
to give us back this bottle,
I want us to drink it together
before I leave Los Angeles.
Just take it. It's fine.
Damn, girl.
I taught you well.
My God, that part about
leaving Los Angeles was so good.
And those tears? Meryl who?
Wait.
You're not sweating.
'Cause it's not a lie.
I'm leaving.
What time is it?
ALL: Time to win!
We had fun last year.
But tonight's not about me.
I am so excited to introduce
this year's Young Alumnus
of the Year, Mr. Anthony Holmes!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Thank you, Reggie.
As a strong Black man,
I am excited to accept this award.
To many people, I'm
often seen as nothing more
than my full breasts
and hips and my lips.
- Oh, boy.
- Nope.
- Oh, boy.
- Damn, damn,
I'm sorry, y'all.
I spent most of the night stressing out,
trying to figure out
the right words to say.
But I think I should just
speak from the old ticker.
He said it.
Look, I'll be honest.
I didn't think I deserved
this award because I was
comparing myself to my peers.
And I've been doing
that most of my life.
You see, when you're young,
success is just an abstract destination.
You work towards the future,
but it could be hard to tell
when you've arrived.
But luckily, you don't have
to figure it out on your own
if you have the right people around you.
Look, I've done some things
that I am really proud of.
I'm the first Black Vice
President of Joseph & Philips.
- Hey, now.
- Tell 'em.
- Yep.
- I started a mentorship program
for Black and Brown kids
to help with financial literacy.
And I hit a home run at
the company baseball game.
- You know he did, baby.
- [LAUGHTER]
No, wait, hold on, I'm not playing.
I mean, I whopped that thing.
- It's outta here!
- [LAUGHTER]
But seriously,
I am incredibly grateful for this honor.
In a world where success is
just an abstract destination,
it's nice to feel
like I finally arrived.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yay, yay!
So wait, you're leaving?
Like, for real, for real?
For real, for real.
Amir's opening up a new bar in New York,
and asked me to manage it.
It just seems like a
really amazing opportunity.
I mean, I guess it makes sense.
We sold all of your belongings.
And now we know what you and Amir were
talking about the other day.
I mean, I'm so excited she said yes.
I guess I could hop on a plane for you.
Oh, thanks.
There'll always be a
spot on my couch for you.
Couch?
When I come, I want the bed.
That's fair.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, there he is, the man of the hour.
Yo, you killed that speech, my guy.
Yeah, man, once you got
past all that breast stuff,
- you was rolling.
- For real.
Thanks. Honestly, I
could not have done this
- without y'all here with me.
- Like I said before,
when one of us eats, we all eat.
- Yay, yay!
- ALL: Yay, yay!
Well, look, the night's still
young, so shall we mingle?
- Absolutely. Let's roll.
- Let's get it, yeah.
- Yo, Sherm.
- Hey, I'ma catch up
with y'all. Hey. What's good, man?
It was a crazy night.
Hey, look, I'm sorry about
what happened with Zeb earlier.
Ah, man, it's all good.
I'll come up with new ideas.
At least I got to drink wine like I was
- a part of the 1% tonight.
- [LAUGHS] Yes, sir.
Hey, look, I actually wanted
to talk to you about that.
You got a great palate.
You ever thought about
becoming a sommelier?
- A sommelier?
- Yeah.
Nah, man, I mean, I love drinking wine,
but I never thought about going pro.
Plus that world feels a
little stuffy for me, man.
I'm a real grits and gravy type of dude.
I feel that.
Well, look, you're a natural.
So if you ever change
your mind, give me a call.
Thanks, man.
[R&B MUSIC]
♪
[KNOCKING]
Anthony.
Hey.
How was the ceremony?
It was cool.
Can I come in?
Sure.
And hold me close to you ♪
So look, I know we've been
doing this casual thing
for a while now, but
tonight taught me that
I need to listen to my heart.
[SIGHS]
Fay, I want us to be together.
Wait. What happened to all your stuff?
Anthony, I'm leaving.
♪
Ya.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
Hey, yo, is everything OK with Fay?
Well, that doesn't seem good.
That seems pretty good.
OK, I'm even more lost.
Yeah, his form is trash.
Can't believe he
really shoots like that.
I got the champagne you ordered, Sherm.
- Sorry about the wait.
- Oh, it's all good.
Hey, question:
What the hell were you
and Amir talking about?
- Yeah.
- Oh, nothing.
- Just talking shop.
- Wait a minute.
Sherm, why are you poppin' bottles?
- It's only Tuesday.
- Why not?
It's Saturday somewhere.
It's definitely not.
Saturday is a state of mind.
Plus, I bought this bottle
because our boy Anthony
is receiving UCLA's Young
Alumnus of the Year award.
- BOTH: Ohh!
- Ooh!
Amazing.
Thanks, y'all. It's
not that big of a deal.
Nah, it is.
I guess I'm the man!
To Anthony's greatness, huh?
Clang, clang.
ALL: Clang, clang.
Ooh. Are you gonna get
one of those big checks
like Publishers Clearing House?
No. Why would I get one of
those for an academic award?
I don't know. Thought
maybe you'd get one.
It doesn't matter. Anthony's a legend.
- Clang, clang.
- ALL: Clang, clang!
All right, all right.
Enough about me.
Anything new going on with y'all?
I guess.
I'm having a yard sale.
Boring! Back to cheersing Anthony!
- Clang, clang!
- ALL: Clang, clang!
Whoop, whoop ♪
Cabernet and sauvignon ♪
Team is here and now it's on ♪
Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪
Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
If you got me, then I got you ♪
This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew ♪
- Oh!
- Oh, Rich.
- That boy clean!
- I call this one tux-matic.
Nice. It's a great look.
- How you feelin', bro?
- [SIGHS] Crazy.
I can't believe I'm gonna
be honored in front of
all these UCLA greats.
Well, I can, because you're an animal.
You're a beast. You got that
- you got that dog in you.
- [BARKING]
[BOTH BARKING]
OK. I see why it is in hype man mode.
Hey, when one of us eats, we all eat.
- Yay, yay!
- ALL: Yay, yay!
But what about your hype girl?
Oh, yeah. Why did you
invite Sherm instead of Fay?
That doesn't make sense.
No disrespect, Sherm.
None taken. Why the
hell am I your plus one?
This is a black tie
event, and, you know,
Fay and I are casual.
You can't be casual
at a black tie event.
Right. The dress code doesn't
match the dating vibes.
Exactly.
But it's all good. I
got my speech ready.
- I got my boys.
- Hey.
- I'm locked in.
- Ahh! Yes, let's go!
Yup, too much. I heard it.
But we should go because
we're gonna be late.
Oh, crap.
♪
I'll give you five for this.
OK. Thanks.
Five bucks? What the hell?
Yeah, I just wanna get rid of it.
That's the point of the yard sale.
Well, see, you're lucky I'm here.
I'll help you sell all this stuff
and make out like a bandit.
But it's all old junk.
Everything is just junk
until you give it a good story.
Watch and learn.
Ooh, this trash can was used as a drum
in the original production of "Stomp."
Really? I'll take it.
See her over there?
She's selling these chairs
to raise money for her uncle.
He can't sit anymore.
He lost his buttocks in the war.
Poor guy. We'll take them.
How much?
Michael Jordan used this
towel to wipe the sweat
off his head at the flu game.
Money bag, money bag, money bag, uh ♪
Money bag, money bag, money bag ♪
- He can tell from the front ♪
- Ahh!
I got it behind me ♪
And I park my Bentley
truck on my Versace driveway ♪
Seth Rogen made this couch by hand?
- BOTH: Yep.
- And it's a functional bong.
Money bag, money bag, money bag ♪
Sideways, sideways, sideways ♪
♪
Feels good to be back, fellas.
For real.
Oh, snap.
It's Reggie Hilgard.
He won this award last year.
Oh, man, there he is.
Reggie, my dude.
You remember Wyatt and Noah?
Oh, and this is the homie, Sherm.
What's up, fellas?
It's been a while, man. Seems
like everything's going great.
Hey, you know, try my best.
- How you been?
- Good, just working on my second startup.
Sold the first, and I'm partnering
with Barack and Michelle on
a healthy cereal for kids.
It's called Obam-O's.
- Dang!
- Wow.
- Staying busy.
- Clearly.
You're on fire.
You're too kind.
Hey, big congrats.
I'm excited to introduce
you tonight for your award.
I appreciate that.
Hey, you know, you did this last year.
Got any advice for me?
Nah, you'll be fine, bro.
Just don't quote the dictionary.
The dude who won this before me
crashed and burned doing that mess.
I actually think that
he was a weak candidate,
you know, a bit of a lightweight, so
Oh, I gotta make the rounds.
- Later, guys.
- [CHUCKLES]
Dang. Such a cool dude still.
Yeah.
What's wrong?
"Google defines success as the
accomplishment of an aim or purpose."
Well, damn.
I can't go out there
and give this speech.
- I'll embarrass myself in front of all these people.
- Relax.
It's not that many people.
Damn, it's a lot of
people out there! Whoo!
You know how hard it was
for me to get this cheese?
What? What's wrong?
Oh, y'all wanted some cheese?
OK, you can each have
one piece. I only have 35.
You deserve this award.
And the speech will be fine.
If you don't wanna say
the words you prepared,
just go up there and
speak from the heart.
Go say stupid stuff
to someone else, Noah.
I have a speech to figure out.
♪
That was incredible.
Who knew lying can be such an art form?
That's right. Every fib
is like a paint stroke.
This is my greatest work yet.
Also, did we just sell all
of your living room furniture?
Yeah, because it's all old stuff.
You're sweating.
You sweat when you lie.
Are you keeping something from me?
No. No.
This is just residual sweat
from lying to people all day long.
Right. OK.
Hey, did you see a small, wooden trunk
lying around anywhere?
Oh, a little guy with gold latches?
Yeah, I think we sold that to somebody.
- Oh, shoot.
- What?
That had our special bottle
of cab franc inside of it.
The expensive one we
got at the vineyard.
- Who did you sell it to?
- I don't know.
We saw so many people today,
I'm having trouble remembering.
OK, OK. Let's just think about
everyone who bought something today.
- OK.
- Was it the guy in the scrubs?
No. He bought your
shoes. He sniffed them.
- Creep.
- Oh.
Was it the lady with the three dogs?
No.
I sold her your laundry baskets,
and she kissed her
dogs right on her mouth.
It was kind of, like,
intense. Creep. Oh, my God,
was it the guy with
the crystal necklace?
Right, right! You mean the
guy with the dragon tattoo.
Yes, and guess what.
He paid with Venmo!
OK.
His name is Steven.
I got his location, boom.
Looks like he has a
thrift store in Torrance.
How'd you find that out so fast?
Venmo, Instagram, Google,
his mom's very political,
Twitter, geo tags
Listen, nobody is safe.
Come on, let's go.
♪
What's going on here?
Oh, they're having some charity auction.
People are bidding for the opportunity
to have dinner tonight with
some guy named Zeb Jenkins.
Zwhat? Zeb Jenkins?
The Zeb Jenkins?
Oh, yeah, I've heard of him.
The business mogul, right?
He was here for half a semester
and the school still claims him.
That's how they always do.
A dinner with Zeb Jenkins
would change my life.
He's your favorite CEO's favorite CEO.
International business man of mystery.
I gotta have that dinner.
All right. We're gonna
start the bidding at $1,000.
Do I hear $1,000? $1,000.
- Thank you, sir.
- No offense, Sherm,
but you are too broke for this.
Damn. Truth hurts.
$1,500. Do I hear $2,000?
$2,000? $2,000. Thank you, ma'am.
Do I hear $3,000?
$10,000.
- Ooh.
- Oh, no.
Hold up.
$15,000.
Yo.
Bro, what the [BLEEP]?
Well, we have got ourselves an auction.
$15,000.
Do I hear $15,500? $15,500?
$20,000.
$30,000.
Stop, please.
$40,000.
$60,000.
Why would you skip $50,000?
You know they're going to
make you pay for this, right?
$75,000.
Sherm, give me that damn paddle.
$100,000.
[CROWD MURMURING]
$100,000.
$100,000, going once.
$100,000 going twice.
Uh-oh.
- $200,000.
- [CROW CLAMORING]
Going once, going twice.
[BANGS GAVEL] Sold, $200,000.
Thank you very much, sir.
What the hell was that?
Me executing my plan to perfection.
Zeb is famously introverted.
He'd never agreed to a
dinner with a random person.
But that guy is clearly a plant,
and I just got his attention.
Plant or not, you were this close
to owing UCLA as much as I do.
Congrats on avoiding financial ruin.
Yeah.
♪
- Ooh, there it is.
- Can I help you?
- Ooh!
- Oh, you guys.
Hi. OK, so something happened.
We sold you this chest,
but it wasn't for sale.
We'll give you back your 60 bucks.
- 60 bucks?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm selling it for
way more than 60 bucks.
You told me yourself this
chest was a prop in all five
of "The Pirates of
the Caribbean" movies.
That's what you said. Didn't you?
Don't act like you don't
know what we're doing.
- You're a salesman.
- Oh, I know.
It was the old fib and flip.
But either way, it's gonna cost you, um,
$2,000.
- What in Rhianna's name?
- Are you crazy?
I know sentimental value when I see it.
That is so much freaking money, but
Fine, $2,000. [SIGHS]
- [REGISTER DINGS]
- There. I Venmoed you.
Whoa, Nicky, you gotta slow down.
- Great. Here you go.
- Thanks.
You can't put a price on our friendship.
And even if we did, it would
be way more than $2,000.
Aww.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey! What the hell!
- Hey!
Where's the bottle?
Give us back our money.
Oh, I sold that bottle.
Sorry, no refunds.
- Thief!
- Don't act like you and I are so different.
We're cut from the same cloth, lady.
Who'd you sell that bottle to?
- Yeah.
- My brother.
He owns a dive bar a couple
of blocks north of here.
God, he's gonna sell
that expensive-ass bottle
in a dusty-ass dive bar.
Let's go, Fay.
- Suck on that!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
Run!
So, let's get us some speeches
that will hopefully trick
people into believing
that I deserve this award.
Or you might not need to
trick anyone if you just
speak from the old ticker.
What are you, 80?
[SCOFFS] I'm not doing your thing.
He said it weird, but I'm starting
- to think Noah might be right.
- Yeah.
You're the VP of one of the largest
accounting firms in L.A.
And you do all that
volunteer work with kids.
You are one of the most
successful people that we know.
That's because y'all don't know nobody.
Sorry. I'm stressed out.
Can I please run these speeches by you?
I need to make an impression.
- OK, yeah.
- OK.
Any accountant out there
wanna be an accountant,
wanna stay a star,
don't wanna worry about they boss
all up in they spreadsheets,
all up in they calculations?
Suge from the "Source Awards."
Don't do this.
And I said, clam chowder!
Boo!
Now, now, now, now, now,
look to your neighbor,
and say, neighbor!
- Neighbor!
- I believe in you!
Amen, Amen.
But don't do that.
- None of this is working?
- I mean,
just make a couple of tweaks.
- Hello, sir.
- Ah!
Please follow me.
For real? Is it Zeb?
Was I right?
[LAUGHS]
It was Zeb.
I was right.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
♪
Please sign this NDA.
A non-disclosure agreement
to enter a janitor's closet?
OK.
So there's the man who gave my
assistant a run for his money.
Or should I say, my money?
Oh, nice to meet you, Zeb.
It is an honor.
- Man, this is a wild setup.
- Thank you.
Would you like to join me for dinner?
Nah, I'm good. [LAUGHS]
- What? Of course.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
All right. Hello. My name is Damion.
I'll be your sommelier this evening.
So, to begin, I have
us starting with a 2001
Podere Caberlot from Tuscany.
Ooh, a Caberlot. That
is a rare-ass wine.
- Yeah.
- Only one estate in the world
- carries that varietal.
- Ah.
- You know your wines, man.
- I dabble. [LAUGHS]
- Cheers.
- Cheers, man.
Yeah.
Oh. Mmm.
Ooh, that is damn good.
I'm glad you like it.
I gave the same bottle
to Pharrell Williams
for his 75th birthday.
Pharrell Williams actually 75 years old?
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, he is holding up well.
Man, thank you so much
for this opportunity.
Ah, of course, man.
You know, I didn't wanna
have dinner with just anybody.
But I gotta say, you impress me.
Whew, it's good to hear you say that
because if I had have won that auction,
I would've had to fake my own death.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
- You OK?
- Uh, yeah, I'll be fine.
I just got back from outer
space, just gravity sickness.
Damn! What's it like in outer space?
I don't know how to describe it,
other than to say it's just very
- sexual.
- Mm.
Yeah. The Earth is just, like,
this big, blue ball, waiting to
Ah I think I got it. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, Zeb, would you be
willing to take a look
at some of my business ideas?
I'm trying to find a new path,
and I know you could help me.
Yeah. I suppose I could take a look.
Oh, man.
There you go.
Ugh, this place is sketchy.
Yeah, and they clearly
don't check IDs here.
Oh, hey, you're Steve's brother.
Yeah, Kervin. Who wants to know?
We do. He sold you a bottle
of wine, and we need it back.
- I'll sell it to you.
- Oh.
- For $3,000.
- Oh, come on!
- What?
- Seems pretty important to you,
take it or leave it.
Wait. What if I drink
you under the table?
[CHUCKLES] Excuse me?
I mean, if you're scared, just say so.
You wish! I accept.
Shot for shot.
But if I win, I get my $3,000.
You don't need to do this.
- Deal.
- [POURING DRINKS]
- Nicky.
- It's on.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
Ooh.
[DISTORTED VOICE] Ohh. Ah.
What the [BLEEP] is in this?
Jalapeno absinthe.
OK, we're doing it.
Oh, God.
[GROANING]
Damion, you done hit us
with another banger, man.
What is this, cab sauv? French?
That's a good catch, man.
This is actually a 2010
Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
Ooh. Oui, oui, my dude.
- Yes. [LAUGHS]
- I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Oh, I definitely am.
Hey, so what you think
about those business ideas?
There's a lot of good stuff in here.
- I'd like to use them.
- Wait. Really?
Yeah.
Oh, this is amazing.
Partnering with you is a dream.
Oh, no, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm gonna take your
ideas. They're mine now.
What? What you talking about?
Well, you know how these
are your ideas before?
- Yeah.
- They're mine now.
- You can't do that to me, man.
- I'll put you on blast.
I'll let everybody
know you stole my stuff.
- No, but you can't do that.
- You signed an NDA.
And in that NDA, you handed
over rights to all ideas
discussed at this dinner.
[SIGHS] The hell?
First rule of business:
Don't let anyone steal your ideas.
- That's the first rule?
- Yes.
Come on, man.
Pleasure meeting you, Sherman.
Sherman?
Only my mama calls me Sherman.
You're not my mama.
Bro, where have you been?
For a second there, we
thought you were skipping out.
No, I'm good.
There's this woman here
who's a speechwriter.
I paid her for one of her old speeches.
Let me see it.
- Have you read this?
- I skimmed it. Why?
Because the first line is,
"As a strong Black woman."
- It's fine.
- I'll make adjustments up there.
You know, it's not too late
to just speak from your
Heart? I'm good.
This isn't a rom com.
Yo.
How was dinner with Zeb?
- Zeb was trash.
- Really?
They should be auctioning
off a dinner with you.
How could that possibly be true?
Well, I signed an NDA, so thankfully,
I can't talk about it.
[GROANING]
This tastes like spicy tires.
- Give up?
- No.
I never give up. [RETCHES]
OK. OK, that's enough.
She's done.
Sorry.
I did not do good today.
- Pay up.
- All right.
- Give me my purse.
- Wait, Nicky, no.
What?
Look, I've lived in
four different countries.
I've been married, I've been divorced,
I've lived in silence
in a Buddhist monastery.
Wait, what?
This bottle of wine is not
just any bottle of wine.
It's a symbol of our friendship.
And I need it so that
we can drink it together
before I, um
Nicky, I'm moving back to New York.
I didn't know how or when to tell you,
and I felt awful lying to you all day.
So please, if you can
find it in your heart
to give us back this bottle,
I want us to drink it together
before I leave Los Angeles.
Just take it. It's fine.
Damn, girl.
I taught you well.
My God, that part about
leaving Los Angeles was so good.
And those tears? Meryl who?
Wait.
You're not sweating.
'Cause it's not a lie.
I'm leaving.
What time is it?
ALL: Time to win!
We had fun last year.
But tonight's not about me.
I am so excited to introduce
this year's Young Alumnus
of the Year, Mr. Anthony Holmes!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Thank you, Reggie.
As a strong Black man,
I am excited to accept this award.
To many people, I'm
often seen as nothing more
than my full breasts
and hips and my lips.
- Oh, boy.
- Nope.
- Oh, boy.
- Damn, damn,
I'm sorry, y'all.
I spent most of the night stressing out,
trying to figure out
the right words to say.
But I think I should just
speak from the old ticker.
He said it.
Look, I'll be honest.
I didn't think I deserved
this award because I was
comparing myself to my peers.
And I've been doing
that most of my life.
You see, when you're young,
success is just an abstract destination.
You work towards the future,
but it could be hard to tell
when you've arrived.
But luckily, you don't have
to figure it out on your own
if you have the right people around you.
Look, I've done some things
that I am really proud of.
I'm the first Black Vice
President of Joseph & Philips.
- Hey, now.
- Tell 'em.
- Yep.
- I started a mentorship program
for Black and Brown kids
to help with financial literacy.
And I hit a home run at
the company baseball game.
- You know he did, baby.
- [LAUGHTER]
No, wait, hold on, I'm not playing.
I mean, I whopped that thing.
- It's outta here!
- [LAUGHTER]
But seriously,
I am incredibly grateful for this honor.
In a world where success is
just an abstract destination,
it's nice to feel
like I finally arrived.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yay, yay!
So wait, you're leaving?
Like, for real, for real?
For real, for real.
Amir's opening up a new bar in New York,
and asked me to manage it.
It just seems like a
really amazing opportunity.
I mean, I guess it makes sense.
We sold all of your belongings.
And now we know what you and Amir were
talking about the other day.
I mean, I'm so excited she said yes.
I guess I could hop on a plane for you.
Oh, thanks.
There'll always be a
spot on my couch for you.
Couch?
When I come, I want the bed.
That's fair.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, there he is, the man of the hour.
Yo, you killed that speech, my guy.
Yeah, man, once you got
past all that breast stuff,
- you was rolling.
- For real.
Thanks. Honestly, I
could not have done this
- without y'all here with me.
- Like I said before,
when one of us eats, we all eat.
- Yay, yay!
- ALL: Yay, yay!
Well, look, the night's still
young, so shall we mingle?
- Absolutely. Let's roll.
- Let's get it, yeah.
- Yo, Sherm.
- Hey, I'ma catch up
with y'all. Hey. What's good, man?
It was a crazy night.
Hey, look, I'm sorry about
what happened with Zeb earlier.
Ah, man, it's all good.
I'll come up with new ideas.
At least I got to drink wine like I was
- a part of the 1% tonight.
- [LAUGHS] Yes, sir.
Hey, look, I actually wanted
to talk to you about that.
You got a great palate.
You ever thought about
becoming a sommelier?
- A sommelier?
- Yeah.
Nah, man, I mean, I love drinking wine,
but I never thought about going pro.
Plus that world feels a
little stuffy for me, man.
I'm a real grits and gravy type of dude.
I feel that.
Well, look, you're a natural.
So if you ever change
your mind, give me a call.
Thanks, man.
[R&B MUSIC]
♪
[KNOCKING]
Anthony.
Hey.
How was the ceremony?
It was cool.
Can I come in?
Sure.
And hold me close to you ♪
So look, I know we've been
doing this casual thing
for a while now, but
tonight taught me that
I need to listen to my heart.
[SIGHS]
Fay, I want us to be together.
Wait. What happened to all your stuff?
Anthony, I'm leaving.
♪
Ya.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.